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Ten Years Later...
Posted 2 years agoDo you remember why you are here? Every single decision you make will alter your future in ways you cannot even imagine. Your control over the future is so much more insignificant than any of us realize.
However… insignificant it may be, but it is not nonexistent. It is up to you to exercise what little control you have and bend your life to your will. If your will is strong enough, that insignificance will diminish accordingly.
Hey I get it. We all get down. We all get hopeless. And sometimes we make a mistake so profound, that your future may never recover. You may not even realize you made that mistake until it is too late!
I am the same way. Today is the day. The day that I have survived a full decade of living life, the past, present, future… all of it from a decision so benign, so minor… and yet it is the reason I am here today.
It shone a light so bright into my eyes that it blinded me. It enraptured me. It took control of my will and made me stumble towards a doomed future. So when that light was finally turned off… Everything was dark. Everything seemed so far away.
I searched blindly for years for that light to come back again. I destroyed my life, piece by piece because that was the future that I had chosen. I chose what I wanted, and I sought to claim it, no matter the cost.
A mistake made so profound, that it instigated a chain that I was destined to be shackled to. An unbreakable and uncontrollable path all the while time marched ever onwards without restraint or mercy.
And when the winds blew, they held me back. When the water flowed, it carried me as it willed. When the lightning flashed, the briefness of its light only blinded me more. When the snow fell, it froze me in its tracks.
When the earth moved, it weighed me down. When the fires burned… I burned my bridges with it. All that was left was the light and the dark. And how it seemed what little light I saw was fading away.
The light I needed. What I wished for. What had blinded me in the first place is what I thought I wanted. What I needed. The first link in the chain. The flap of the Butterfly’s wings, throwing me into Chaos.
The light of the halos of those who I thought would save me from the darkness, only to be replaced by the demons that hid underneath angelic costumes… twice defied my will. And thus, I weaken.
And so here I stand, no longer sure of what I wish for. That light is gone. And it has been gone for quite some time now. Who am I? What do I want? What do I live for? Why am I here? Why… am I here?
That question is the one to answer. Why am I here? Why are any of us here? Why are YOU here? What is your reason? What is your light? Will you let it blind you as it did me? Or will you let it guide you to your future?
Oh? Do you claim to have no light? Just as I have? Perhaps the answer we seek lies within us all. The truth being told, life has no meaning at all. It never has. And it never will. We have no purpose in this world.
But do not despair! Do not weep! For that is… paradoxically so… what makes life good in the first place. After all… if there is no purpose or reason… then it falls to us to grant that reason!
We ourselves decide that path. And though it may be uncontrollable, as I said, it is not completely so! So… when you tell me, when I tell myself that there is no purpose to why I am here…
All I can say is… Be your own light. Guide yourself to what you wish. Redeem the future that was stolen from you.
That light. As hackneyed as it may be to say… It does truly come from within.
So Photon, my dear friend… what say you we abolish the darkness we have surrounded ourselves by? And be the light that we have been searching… so very long for? What do you say to the proposition…
…of remembering why we are here…?
The future awaits your call…
With that said, this account will soon be no longer used.
I will be moving to
as soon as I feel no longer lazy. XD
However… insignificant it may be, but it is not nonexistent. It is up to you to exercise what little control you have and bend your life to your will. If your will is strong enough, that insignificance will diminish accordingly.
Hey I get it. We all get down. We all get hopeless. And sometimes we make a mistake so profound, that your future may never recover. You may not even realize you made that mistake until it is too late!
I am the same way. Today is the day. The day that I have survived a full decade of living life, the past, present, future… all of it from a decision so benign, so minor… and yet it is the reason I am here today.
It shone a light so bright into my eyes that it blinded me. It enraptured me. It took control of my will and made me stumble towards a doomed future. So when that light was finally turned off… Everything was dark. Everything seemed so far away.
I searched blindly for years for that light to come back again. I destroyed my life, piece by piece because that was the future that I had chosen. I chose what I wanted, and I sought to claim it, no matter the cost.
A mistake made so profound, that it instigated a chain that I was destined to be shackled to. An unbreakable and uncontrollable path all the while time marched ever onwards without restraint or mercy.
And when the winds blew, they held me back. When the water flowed, it carried me as it willed. When the lightning flashed, the briefness of its light only blinded me more. When the snow fell, it froze me in its tracks.
When the earth moved, it weighed me down. When the fires burned… I burned my bridges with it. All that was left was the light and the dark. And how it seemed what little light I saw was fading away.
The light I needed. What I wished for. What had blinded me in the first place is what I thought I wanted. What I needed. The first link in the chain. The flap of the Butterfly’s wings, throwing me into Chaos.
The light of the halos of those who I thought would save me from the darkness, only to be replaced by the demons that hid underneath angelic costumes… twice defied my will. And thus, I weaken.
And so here I stand, no longer sure of what I wish for. That light is gone. And it has been gone for quite some time now. Who am I? What do I want? What do I live for? Why am I here? Why… am I here?
That question is the one to answer. Why am I here? Why are any of us here? Why are YOU here? What is your reason? What is your light? Will you let it blind you as it did me? Or will you let it guide you to your future?
Oh? Do you claim to have no light? Just as I have? Perhaps the answer we seek lies within us all. The truth being told, life has no meaning at all. It never has. And it never will. We have no purpose in this world.
But do not despair! Do not weep! For that is… paradoxically so… what makes life good in the first place. After all… if there is no purpose or reason… then it falls to us to grant that reason!
We ourselves decide that path. And though it may be uncontrollable, as I said, it is not completely so! So… when you tell me, when I tell myself that there is no purpose to why I am here…
All I can say is… Be your own light. Guide yourself to what you wish. Redeem the future that was stolen from you.
That light. As hackneyed as it may be to say… It does truly come from within.
So Photon, my dear friend… what say you we abolish the darkness we have surrounded ourselves by? And be the light that we have been searching… so very long for? What do you say to the proposition…
…of remembering why we are here…?
The future awaits your call…
With that said, this account will soon be no longer used.
I will be moving to
as soon as I feel no longer lazy. XDTFF 2023
Posted 2 years agoHey! It's been a while! I just wanted to announce my attendance to TFF 2023 in a couple weeks :P
Now... I do not normally do this, because every time I have attempted to attend a convention outside of the local one I have, Denfur, it has ended in abject failure in the most bizarre and most middle fingered way possible. Here is how all that worked out-
TTFC 2019. Canceled due to work cutting my hours too drastically through the summer that descended it.
MFF 2019 for the same reasons
All of 2020 was a wash for obvious reasons. I was actually on the registration page for BLFC 2020 when I was like, you know what? Things are not getting better. I better not try to do this, just in case. And they didn't.
Most of 2021 was the same story. But MFF 2021 had a little fun shitshow. With work shutting us out for the 3 weeks in November I needed to go to save that money because there was a huge covid scare there. Funnily enough, my BF tested positive. And I did not. I WAS symptomatic too. Mildly so, sure, but I was. So OBVIOUSLY I couldn't go. AND I had registered. Won a room in the main hotel to boot. Fuck you, covid. Jeez...
2022 was a two part shitshow. So that same job that had a covid scare suffered a harsh loss of work and business. So it's 2019 part 2, but worse. No TFF, FWA, or AC even if I wanted to. And by the time I got back to my old job where I was making money again, I couldn't take the time off to go to local furmeets, let alone conventions! Sheesh I got in trouble for taking a couple days off for Denfur for fucks sake! So buh-bye BLFC and MFF once more. Although MFF was already scuffed due to the previous year's penalties...
But now. FINALLY after so many years. TFF 2023 looks promising. I have the time off. I have the money. I have a room. I have registered. There is very little standing in the way this time. Buuuut I am still convinced something will, because something CAN. I could get sick again, for example. But that is like, the only reasonable thing I can think of. I hope so, I really hope that I can finally make it this time.
Downside being... I am going to TEXAS. Noooo---!!!
Sigh. Now. With all that said. Who will I see there, filthy animals?! :P
Now... I do not normally do this, because every time I have attempted to attend a convention outside of the local one I have, Denfur, it has ended in abject failure in the most bizarre and most middle fingered way possible. Here is how all that worked out-
TTFC 2019. Canceled due to work cutting my hours too drastically through the summer that descended it.
MFF 2019 for the same reasons
All of 2020 was a wash for obvious reasons. I was actually on the registration page for BLFC 2020 when I was like, you know what? Things are not getting better. I better not try to do this, just in case. And they didn't.
Most of 2021 was the same story. But MFF 2021 had a little fun shitshow. With work shutting us out for the 3 weeks in November I needed to go to save that money because there was a huge covid scare there. Funnily enough, my BF tested positive. And I did not. I WAS symptomatic too. Mildly so, sure, but I was. So OBVIOUSLY I couldn't go. AND I had registered. Won a room in the main hotel to boot. Fuck you, covid. Jeez...
2022 was a two part shitshow. So that same job that had a covid scare suffered a harsh loss of work and business. So it's 2019 part 2, but worse. No TFF, FWA, or AC even if I wanted to. And by the time I got back to my old job where I was making money again, I couldn't take the time off to go to local furmeets, let alone conventions! Sheesh I got in trouble for taking a couple days off for Denfur for fucks sake! So buh-bye BLFC and MFF once more. Although MFF was already scuffed due to the previous year's penalties...
But now. FINALLY after so many years. TFF 2023 looks promising. I have the time off. I have the money. I have a room. I have registered. There is very little standing in the way this time. Buuuut I am still convinced something will, because something CAN. I could get sick again, for example. But that is like, the only reasonable thing I can think of. I hope so, I really hope that I can finally make it this time.
Downside being... I am going to TEXAS. Noooo---!!!
Sigh. Now. With all that said. Who will I see there, filthy animals?! :P
I Made it. 10 Years a Furry.
Posted 2 years agoIt sucks that I have to be late to the party when it comes to commemorating my 10th anniversary in the furry fandom. I... honestly cannot believe that we are already here. The future... The past... It always makes me wonder where my life has gone, where it is going, and most mysteriously of all-- where could it have gone. Now, I ask this because I could have easily found this fandom even sooner had I known what to look for. After all, I may have been exposed to furry art as early as Summer of 2010! For the record I was only 13 years old at the time! Can you imagine a 13 year old me running around calling myself a furry and-- ........Okay. Probably for the best to have waited until I was 16 like what ACTUALLY happened.
It's funny. Because despite that added maturity- I WAS still 16. I made a LOT of critical mistakes during my first days in the fandom. Most notably starting what would become a personal war on love. That I would proceed to spam journals about for the first few years here XD If any of you have somehow stuck it all out with me during ALL that time... All I can say is wut. And... How?! XD Seriously though, I really do not know how I survived it. And honestly, my mental health has been completely destroyed by it. It just... makes me wonder what could have happened if something went just a SMIDGE differently. A lot really...
And thus along the way I would pick up new interests and fascinations to go along with my science loving ass. There is so much to think about when it comes to life. Alternate universes and timelines... Chaos Theory and the Butterfly Effect. I oh so very subtly have been incorporating these interests into all my characters since 2015. Have you noticed it? Kudos if you have, but I do not expect anyone to have. SO. I wish to delve into this a little further... I wish to revive everything about myself. Seeing that 10 years has passed me by so very quickly has made me realize just how much of my life is wasting away. I am not doing anything! I tell myself time and time again that I MUST change this! I want to write some more. I even want to learn to draw! Hell! Go back and make some gaming Youtube videos again like I did when I was first discovering the fandom! Thank the website that made me find this fandom! Do SOMETHING! Idiot fops! XD I'm 26 now! 10 years long a furry!
So... I suppose it would be good to go through each and every year I was a furry right? Well... I would... But I'm lazy. XD I know! That is my EXACT problem stopping me from writing in the first place dammit! Well that and demotivation... and writer's block... and possible ADHD... and okay. I gotta power through it. I have the power. I have the potential. Had I committed myself, I believe I had a strong chance to have become a successful writer in this fandom! Ah... just one of the many possible alternate paths...
Eehhh fuck it. Have my recap journals instead. Could give you a good idea what I was thinking at the time perhaps. Not proud of some of these, but... ya know. I was a stupid kid.
Maybe eventually I will do retrospectives on each of these years that will go more in depth with what happened in each of them, through the lens of an older and debatably wiser fox that I have become nowadays. As we head further into the 2020s, and 2023 in particular, it is wondrous to see just how profoundly different my life has become, and each piece of sturdy, and never-budging moments of history that changed it. But what if it were malleable? Just how different could life have become if your influence over the future was truly infinite? Perhaps we could never be as we should be, if there is such a thing as and immovable fate. I want to know. I want to know if my life truly is on a worthwhile path. But as long as I can make the choice to make it so, that should be enough for me.
Here is to another decade everyone. 10 years a furry out of many, many more to come! Cheers! <3
It's funny. Because despite that added maturity- I WAS still 16. I made a LOT of critical mistakes during my first days in the fandom. Most notably starting what would become a personal war on love. That I would proceed to spam journals about for the first few years here XD If any of you have somehow stuck it all out with me during ALL that time... All I can say is wut. And... How?! XD Seriously though, I really do not know how I survived it. And honestly, my mental health has been completely destroyed by it. It just... makes me wonder what could have happened if something went just a SMIDGE differently. A lot really...
And thus along the way I would pick up new interests and fascinations to go along with my science loving ass. There is so much to think about when it comes to life. Alternate universes and timelines... Chaos Theory and the Butterfly Effect. I oh so very subtly have been incorporating these interests into all my characters since 2015. Have you noticed it? Kudos if you have, but I do not expect anyone to have. SO. I wish to delve into this a little further... I wish to revive everything about myself. Seeing that 10 years has passed me by so very quickly has made me realize just how much of my life is wasting away. I am not doing anything! I tell myself time and time again that I MUST change this! I want to write some more. I even want to learn to draw! Hell! Go back and make some gaming Youtube videos again like I did when I was first discovering the fandom! Thank the website that made me find this fandom! Do SOMETHING! Idiot fops! XD I'm 26 now! 10 years long a furry!
So... I suppose it would be good to go through each and every year I was a furry right? Well... I would... But I'm lazy. XD I know! That is my EXACT problem stopping me from writing in the first place dammit! Well that and demotivation... and writer's block... and possible ADHD... and okay. I gotta power through it. I have the power. I have the potential. Had I committed myself, I believe I had a strong chance to have become a successful writer in this fandom! Ah... just one of the many possible alternate paths...
Eehhh fuck it. Have my recap journals instead. Could give you a good idea what I was thinking at the time perhaps. Not proud of some of these, but... ya know. I was a stupid kid.
2013--
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/5371693/
2014--
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/6383942/
2015--
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7281359/
2016--
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8002393/
2017--
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8561306/
2018--
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8998498/
2019--???
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9366411/
Okay I did not actually do one for 2019 because I thought 2019 was too uneventful XD
...Oh how times change. Here is a whole ass decade recap instead XD
2020--
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9727915/
2021--
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10089353/
2022--
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10438433/Maybe eventually I will do retrospectives on each of these years that will go more in depth with what happened in each of them, through the lens of an older and debatably wiser fox that I have become nowadays. As we head further into the 2020s, and 2023 in particular, it is wondrous to see just how profoundly different my life has become, and each piece of sturdy, and never-budging moments of history that changed it. But what if it were malleable? Just how different could life have become if your influence over the future was truly infinite? Perhaps we could never be as we should be, if there is such a thing as and immovable fate. I want to know. I want to know if my life truly is on a worthwhile path. But as long as I can make the choice to make it so, that should be enough for me.
Here is to another decade everyone. 10 years a furry out of many, many more to come! Cheers! <3
2022.
Posted 2 years agoBeen since last year since I did an update. And I am late to boot XD
But there is one very important reason why that is.
I legitimately do not know what to even say. I've struggled to even gather my thoughts of the year in a way that I can convey to you because--
2022... was probably the single most nothing year I have ever had in my entire life.
Kay so... It WAS better than 2020 and 21.
I blame the way 2022 started. As I was in the midst of a crisis of the financial variety, and due to that, it set me up for a meandering year to follow. My BF not being able to work did not help...
But... as far as bad things go, the first few months were it. Nothing else seriously bad happened this year at all. However, the reciprocal is true, as nothing good happened either. Nothing happened.
2022 is nothing- the year.
The only thing I can really say was Denfur 2022? But even then, nothing happened THERE either!
Even in 2020 and 21, as bad as they were, I was still able to do a few things here and there. So honestly I am conflicted right now. How SHOULD I feel about 2022? Because on one hand, the year wasn't objectively bad. Except the first quarter or so of course. But the year was no good either. In some ways, a nothing year could be worse than a bad year too.
I promised myself a future where I could enjoy my life in my own way on my own terms. And 2022 wasn't it. For all its flaws, 2018 is the closest year I can say that I had lived the future I desire. (This future I set out for to keep myself alive after the pure horror that was 2014, by the way).
And the closest other year to me that was a nothing year would be 2015. But that was because my focuses were all on the "war on love" and so much so that I paid little attention to other things outside of it.
One of my recent submissions literally sums up how I feel about everything right now
I will say this however... I don't feel as hopeless as I did at the end of 2021. Things are not good. But they are still better than 2022. Perhaps healing from the devastation that 2020 and 21 was what 22 was all about. And 2023 is already poised to be a significantly better year still. I desperately hopes it stays that way. 2023 is going to be a landmark year for me, as it will mark my 10th anniversary in the furry fandom. Do you see the date I joined FA? Yeah... It's just weeks away now... And while I want it to be a big event, I am not sure how to. It all snuck up on me so fast...
And the fact that things CAN sneak up on me so fast is WHY I care so much about the future. I want to be ready for any and everything that comes my way! Trial or triumph. All of it! So 2023? Let me see what you have got for me...
2012 > 2010 > 2013 > 2018 > 2019 > 2009 > 2015 > 2011 > 2022 > 2017 > 2016 > 2008 > 2021 > 2014 > 2020
But there is one very important reason why that is.
I legitimately do not know what to even say. I've struggled to even gather my thoughts of the year in a way that I can convey to you because--
2022... was probably the single most nothing year I have ever had in my entire life.
Kay so... It WAS better than 2020 and 21.
I blame the way 2022 started. As I was in the midst of a crisis of the financial variety, and due to that, it set me up for a meandering year to follow. My BF not being able to work did not help...
But... as far as bad things go, the first few months were it. Nothing else seriously bad happened this year at all. However, the reciprocal is true, as nothing good happened either. Nothing happened.
2022 is nothing- the year.
The only thing I can really say was Denfur 2022? But even then, nothing happened THERE either!
Even in 2020 and 21, as bad as they were, I was still able to do a few things here and there. So honestly I am conflicted right now. How SHOULD I feel about 2022? Because on one hand, the year wasn't objectively bad. Except the first quarter or so of course. But the year was no good either. In some ways, a nothing year could be worse than a bad year too.
I promised myself a future where I could enjoy my life in my own way on my own terms. And 2022 wasn't it. For all its flaws, 2018 is the closest year I can say that I had lived the future I desire. (This future I set out for to keep myself alive after the pure horror that was 2014, by the way).
And the closest other year to me that was a nothing year would be 2015. But that was because my focuses were all on the "war on love" and so much so that I paid little attention to other things outside of it.
One of my recent submissions literally sums up how I feel about everything right now
I will say this however... I don't feel as hopeless as I did at the end of 2021. Things are not good. But they are still better than 2022. Perhaps healing from the devastation that 2020 and 21 was what 22 was all about. And 2023 is already poised to be a significantly better year still. I desperately hopes it stays that way. 2023 is going to be a landmark year for me, as it will mark my 10th anniversary in the furry fandom. Do you see the date I joined FA? Yeah... It's just weeks away now... And while I want it to be a big event, I am not sure how to. It all snuck up on me so fast...
And the fact that things CAN sneak up on me so fast is WHY I care so much about the future. I want to be ready for any and everything that comes my way! Trial or triumph. All of it! So 2023? Let me see what you have got for me...
2012 > 2010 > 2013 > 2018 > 2019 > 2009 > 2015 > 2011 > 2022 > 2017 > 2016 > 2008 > 2021 > 2014 > 2020
So... About 2021...
Posted 3 years ago...Well this year sucked. I mean... Is it no surprise? I have not had a genuinely good year since 2012 after all... but that isn't to say that there weren't good things about it. There are silver linings in even the worst of years, and yes, 2020 and 2021 are included in that notion. Like I said, last year was off to a decent start for me, for the most part. This year as well, actually. Off to a solid start, but a decline followed by late spring.
Overall, 2021 was indeed a better year. But that's like saying one piece of shit is better than the other. They're both still shit. Alright so... what was my 2021 like? Well January sucked. Obviously. I was still living with my most recent abusive ex. ...Ugh... the fact that I can now apply that moniker to TWO people now is not something I was ever hoping to be able to say... But at least there was good on the horizon at the time. By February, I got away, on my own this time, got my own apartment. And spent February and March living by myself. a lieu mid February-March 2017. Definitely much needed. I do enjoy living by myself, but it isn't sustainable in the long run. Especially in the metro area of a major US city.
Since October 2020, I was in a... oh I dunno how to explain it, since I refuse to be in a long distance relationship EVER again after what happened to me in 2017... but there was another fur that I was getting close with. And he ended up moving in with me in April of this year. And... we've been going steadily ever since. So the end of my so-called "war on love" has been paused. Potentially ended. After everything I have been through, I refuse to say that is HAS ended, however. But the fact that it has not instantly disintegrated like the previous two attempts does show a light of hope, so to speak.
But that isn't to say things are... perfect... Life has actually gotten a bit worse since he moved in. Of course that isn't his fault; I'm not blaming him. Just... misfortune tends to follow me everywhere. Exacerbated by his lack of financial responsibility... but that is the ONLY thing I can say that he did wrong. He and I are working out doing better in this regard today, but back in the summer and fall, my financial status had 100% stagnated. Even went on a slow, ever encroaching, ever anxiety inducing decline. I knew that if something bad happened to us then, we would be screwed.
I wasn't that much better... I overspent my budgets on Denfur and some furry art here and there despite me knowing the situation... while not grave yet... was not looking promising. Until... my fears were realized.
At the end of October, my BF and I contracted Covid. Or at least... I am 90% positive I did. He tested positive. And despite me being very mildy symptomatic, my tests. All of them. Came back negative somehow... But covid was the least of our worries, of course. This meant we could not go to work. ...when I had only $80 left in my account after paying rent for November. ...and due to the complications that resulted from my tests, work wouldn't let us back for over THREE FUCKING WEEKS. So like I said... the slow burn of our financial decline had finally come to a nasty head at the worst possible time. He and I were poised to attend MFF, but after that fiasco, there was absolutely no chance. We had to apply for federal aid to make it through the rest of November. And that is not to mention the inevitable drop in hours at work post holiday season, so our immediate future is still at the moment compromised. We are not in immediate danger anymore, but it's still looking... not good. If we can make it to tax return season, then we can definitely turn things around. But until that point... It's going to be a bumpy, bumpy road.
But that is just my concerns in my own personal life. On top of that, I am of course very, very concerned with the current state of the world. Politically... environmentally... everything. It's only adding to the decline that my mental health has seen. For fuck's sake, I am writing this the DAY after a massive wildfire swept through a nearby town from me because of a record warm and record dry late fall-early winter season. None of this is supposed to happen here. Colorado does whatever the fuck it wants weather wise, but even I know... that this is not normal. And no one in power seems to want to do ANYTHING to mitigate this.
My mom was under a tornado watch on my BIRTHDAY. She lives in IOWA. My birthday is in DECEMBER. How can ANYONE think this is acceptable, for FUCK'S sake!? Just all of these things... we all knew this was going to happen. We did nothing. And now that these things are here, we are still doomed to do nothing about it. For the first time in my life... I have no hope for 2022 being a good year... I think it's going to be more of the same with no hope whatsoever...
And you must think about what this means for me. I am willpower incarnate. A guy who looks to the future for a place of solace and hope. All this stems from a shitty past and a shitty present. I want to look forward to the future for improvement in the quality of life, to have SOMETHING good to cling on to, but... again... for the first time ever, I cannot find that hope. I have nothing. Nothing good to look to any longer. As I said on Twitter, I have not felt this hopeless since 2014. Since before I rebranded myself and my fursona to BE willpower incarnate. I'm honestly now scared of the future. It was never supposed to be this way... and I no longer have my coping mechanism... So I no longer no what to do anymore. All I can really say now is... 2022? Let's... let's just get this over with. I would say Happy New Year now. But... it really isn't. The only way to shut down my willpower has happened. I can only hope that 2022 won't be AS BAD as we think. Because we all know it's gonna suck. It's gonna suck real bad. But just how badly is what remains to be seen... ...so I guess we shall find out as such together, will we? As long as we hold onto what little we have dear to our hearts... we must find a way to move forward. Because time wills us to move forward. We have no choice in that matter. So, my friends... let's go into 2022 together...
Overall, 2021 was indeed a better year. But that's like saying one piece of shit is better than the other. They're both still shit. Alright so... what was my 2021 like? Well January sucked. Obviously. I was still living with my most recent abusive ex. ...Ugh... the fact that I can now apply that moniker to TWO people now is not something I was ever hoping to be able to say... But at least there was good on the horizon at the time. By February, I got away, on my own this time, got my own apartment. And spent February and March living by myself. a lieu mid February-March 2017. Definitely much needed. I do enjoy living by myself, but it isn't sustainable in the long run. Especially in the metro area of a major US city.
Since October 2020, I was in a... oh I dunno how to explain it, since I refuse to be in a long distance relationship EVER again after what happened to me in 2017... but there was another fur that I was getting close with. And he ended up moving in with me in April of this year. And... we've been going steadily ever since. So the end of my so-called "war on love" has been paused. Potentially ended. After everything I have been through, I refuse to say that is HAS ended, however. But the fact that it has not instantly disintegrated like the previous two attempts does show a light of hope, so to speak.
But that isn't to say things are... perfect... Life has actually gotten a bit worse since he moved in. Of course that isn't his fault; I'm not blaming him. Just... misfortune tends to follow me everywhere. Exacerbated by his lack of financial responsibility... but that is the ONLY thing I can say that he did wrong. He and I are working out doing better in this regard today, but back in the summer and fall, my financial status had 100% stagnated. Even went on a slow, ever encroaching, ever anxiety inducing decline. I knew that if something bad happened to us then, we would be screwed.
I wasn't that much better... I overspent my budgets on Denfur and some furry art here and there despite me knowing the situation... while not grave yet... was not looking promising. Until... my fears were realized.
At the end of October, my BF and I contracted Covid. Or at least... I am 90% positive I did. He tested positive. And despite me being very mildy symptomatic, my tests. All of them. Came back negative somehow... But covid was the least of our worries, of course. This meant we could not go to work. ...when I had only $80 left in my account after paying rent for November. ...and due to the complications that resulted from my tests, work wouldn't let us back for over THREE FUCKING WEEKS. So like I said... the slow burn of our financial decline had finally come to a nasty head at the worst possible time. He and I were poised to attend MFF, but after that fiasco, there was absolutely no chance. We had to apply for federal aid to make it through the rest of November. And that is not to mention the inevitable drop in hours at work post holiday season, so our immediate future is still at the moment compromised. We are not in immediate danger anymore, but it's still looking... not good. If we can make it to tax return season, then we can definitely turn things around. But until that point... It's going to be a bumpy, bumpy road.
But that is just my concerns in my own personal life. On top of that, I am of course very, very concerned with the current state of the world. Politically... environmentally... everything. It's only adding to the decline that my mental health has seen. For fuck's sake, I am writing this the DAY after a massive wildfire swept through a nearby town from me because of a record warm and record dry late fall-early winter season. None of this is supposed to happen here. Colorado does whatever the fuck it wants weather wise, but even I know... that this is not normal. And no one in power seems to want to do ANYTHING to mitigate this.
My mom was under a tornado watch on my BIRTHDAY. She lives in IOWA. My birthday is in DECEMBER. How can ANYONE think this is acceptable, for FUCK'S sake!? Just all of these things... we all knew this was going to happen. We did nothing. And now that these things are here, we are still doomed to do nothing about it. For the first time in my life... I have no hope for 2022 being a good year... I think it's going to be more of the same with no hope whatsoever...
And you must think about what this means for me. I am willpower incarnate. A guy who looks to the future for a place of solace and hope. All this stems from a shitty past and a shitty present. I want to look forward to the future for improvement in the quality of life, to have SOMETHING good to cling on to, but... again... for the first time ever, I cannot find that hope. I have nothing. Nothing good to look to any longer. As I said on Twitter, I have not felt this hopeless since 2014. Since before I rebranded myself and my fursona to BE willpower incarnate. I'm honestly now scared of the future. It was never supposed to be this way... and I no longer have my coping mechanism... So I no longer no what to do anymore. All I can really say now is... 2022? Let's... let's just get this over with. I would say Happy New Year now. But... it really isn't. The only way to shut down my willpower has happened. I can only hope that 2022 won't be AS BAD as we think. Because we all know it's gonna suck. It's gonna suck real bad. But just how badly is what remains to be seen... ...so I guess we shall find out as such together, will we? As long as we hold onto what little we have dear to our hearts... we must find a way to move forward. Because time wills us to move forward. We have no choice in that matter. So, my friends... let's go into 2022 together...
Denfur 2021?!
Posted 4 years agoAw heck. This one might actually happen. But should I be optimistic, or pessimistic about its future...?
Oh but surely if it does come to be... I will be there. A golden fox guarantees it...!
.............oh yeah and hi and stuff sorry for going silent again. It just keeps happening. I mean... I am lurking if that means anything? ...I understand that it may not. XD
I also failed to make an 8 year anniversary post in January. I had a raccoon move in with me. I have been hanging in there. Blah yadda blah blah... I am not sure what to say now.
...Man I have changed a LOT since 2013-15. And not all of it is for the better.
And the less said about my writing the better, I am just gonna leave it at that
Oh but surely if it does come to be... I will be there. A golden fox guarantees it...!
.............oh yeah and hi and stuff sorry for going silent again. It just keeps happening. I mean... I am lurking if that means anything? ...I understand that it may not. XD
I also failed to make an 8 year anniversary post in January. I had a raccoon move in with me. I have been hanging in there. Blah yadda blah blah... I am not sure what to say now.
...Man I have changed a LOT since 2013-15. And not all of it is for the better.
2020 Anno Domini Ends Here.
Posted 4 years agoBack in 2009... I had no qualms calling 2008 the worst year of my life. My young mind could not fathom the idea of a worse year than that. Fast forward six years, and 2014 had happened, which was SO bad for me, that I entirely redesigned my fursona in such a way, that I had used it as my own way to convince myself to just keep going! I could not fathom the idea that there would be a worse year than 2014. ...And then 2016 happened, and it literally ripped my life apart, piece by piece by piece. I could not fathom the idea that there could be a worse year than that. And then 2017 came pretty damn close. Was abused mentally, and had three important people in my life die? Yeah no thanks.
And then there was this year. The year 2020 Anno Domini. What. Can I even say about it? Could I say that this year blows all those other shitty years way out of the water? By... a lot? Oh sure, this year was off to a promising start what with a personal financial boom and a boyfriend to call my own once again. But come on guys... come on. We have been through this song and dance before. Many, many times before. FAR too many. I do not even NEED to say that wouldn't last long... It NEVER does. It NEVER has! But this year... this year made it even more SPECIAL. As this year has mastered what made the past years so unbelievably shitty. My health was not great, like 2008 (although 2013-14 and 2018 were worse), my mental health bottomed out again, like in 2014. Aspects of my life that I worked my ass off to get back in 2018 and 19 were taken away from me again, like in 2016. I was used and abused by said "boyfriend" AGAIN, just like 2017. ALL of that on TOP of the other crises that would come to affect me in 2020 Anno Domini. A worldwide pandemic. Closures of furmeets and furcons. Threats to mine and my friends' lives from the alt right world. (I mean I don't LOOK it, but I am of mixed race.) Wildfires galore. I know California and Australia got the worst of it, but Colorado was definitely no place to be either.
Look man, what can I say? Worst year ever? Yes. Absolutely. There is no debating it. None. Ever. Period. In fact, I cannot fathom the idea that-- no. No fuck that. I cannot say that phrase. Because I know that when I do, a year in the future will attempt to contest 2020 Anno Domini for the title of worst year ever. And I canNOT let that happen... So now I DO have qualms in saying that 2020 Anno Domini is that... that. So I won't. I cannot.
Man... I say this every year... I keep on saying that next year will be better. Next year will be the one. The one to turn my life around. And I have been trying SO hard to. Since 2015 I have said this. Over and over and over. But shit just keeps continuing to pile up. But here I am, still attempting to make it through and find what I had been looking for since 2013. I keep holding on in some vain hope that I will find a way. But it is getting harder and harder to keep going. I built my fursona and persona on a concept of infinite willpower. But I am only human. And no amount of willpower is gonna be infinite. There will be a day that it will run out. And I can only hope that I can get what I want before that happens... I have to remember that even though the clock is ticking ever closer to a brand new, hopefully better year in 2021... I also have to remember that the clock on my will to keep going is ticking, just the same.
I cannot wait forever. I cannot try forever. I cannot last forever. In good and bad, that is just how things are. Remember that.
So 2021? I do not exactly have high hopes for this new year but... Can in be worse than 2020 Anno Domini? Heh. Even someone as pessimistic as I am doubts it. But I have been RUTHLESSLY surprised on more occasions than there EVER should be. 2020 Anno Domini WAS one of those occasions after all...
I really do not know what else to say... but 2020 Anno Domini? Burn. In. Hell.
And then there was this year. The year 2020 Anno Domini. What. Can I even say about it? Could I say that this year blows all those other shitty years way out of the water? By... a lot? Oh sure, this year was off to a promising start what with a personal financial boom and a boyfriend to call my own once again. But come on guys... come on. We have been through this song and dance before. Many, many times before. FAR too many. I do not even NEED to say that wouldn't last long... It NEVER does. It NEVER has! But this year... this year made it even more SPECIAL. As this year has mastered what made the past years so unbelievably shitty. My health was not great, like 2008 (although 2013-14 and 2018 were worse), my mental health bottomed out again, like in 2014. Aspects of my life that I worked my ass off to get back in 2018 and 19 were taken away from me again, like in 2016. I was used and abused by said "boyfriend" AGAIN, just like 2017. ALL of that on TOP of the other crises that would come to affect me in 2020 Anno Domini. A worldwide pandemic. Closures of furmeets and furcons. Threats to mine and my friends' lives from the alt right world. (I mean I don't LOOK it, but I am of mixed race.) Wildfires galore. I know California and Australia got the worst of it, but Colorado was definitely no place to be either.
Look man, what can I say? Worst year ever? Yes. Absolutely. There is no debating it. None. Ever. Period. In fact, I cannot fathom the idea that-- no. No fuck that. I cannot say that phrase. Because I know that when I do, a year in the future will attempt to contest 2020 Anno Domini for the title of worst year ever. And I canNOT let that happen... So now I DO have qualms in saying that 2020 Anno Domini is that... that. So I won't. I cannot.
Man... I say this every year... I keep on saying that next year will be better. Next year will be the one. The one to turn my life around. And I have been trying SO hard to. Since 2015 I have said this. Over and over and over. But shit just keeps continuing to pile up. But here I am, still attempting to make it through and find what I had been looking for since 2013. I keep holding on in some vain hope that I will find a way. But it is getting harder and harder to keep going. I built my fursona and persona on a concept of infinite willpower. But I am only human. And no amount of willpower is gonna be infinite. There will be a day that it will run out. And I can only hope that I can get what I want before that happens... I have to remember that even though the clock is ticking ever closer to a brand new, hopefully better year in 2021... I also have to remember that the clock on my will to keep going is ticking, just the same.
I cannot wait forever. I cannot try forever. I cannot last forever. In good and bad, that is just how things are. Remember that.
So 2021? I do not exactly have high hopes for this new year but... Can in be worse than 2020 Anno Domini? Heh. Even someone as pessimistic as I am doubts it. But I have been RUTHLESSLY surprised on more occasions than there EVER should be. 2020 Anno Domini WAS one of those occasions after all...
I really do not know what else to say... but 2020 Anno Domini? Burn. In. Hell.
Two Dozen
Posted 4 years agoWell I am not gonna rant about time this time around. Y'all get the point.
I am now 24 years old. I cannot believe I am ACTUALLY nearing 8 years in the fandom. One third of my life spent in a landfill. A landfill I love, sure, but... wow. Crazy.
I am now 24 years old. I cannot believe I am ACTUALLY nearing 8 years in the fandom. One third of my life spent in a landfill. A landfill I love, sure, but... wow. Crazy.
Oh Yeah and...
Posted 5 years agoMy birthday is 10 days away. It is coming up quick. AGAIN.
Can I NOT get too much older too quickly PLEASE? Oy vey... but. Yeah. Gonna be 24... Fluff me.
Can I NOT get too much older too quickly PLEASE? Oy vey... but. Yeah. Gonna be 24... Fluff me.
AAAAAAAUUGH!
Posted 5 years agoAnimated Telegram PFPs?
Posted 5 years agoSo that is something I noticed...
And I was considering getting a new arty thing that could have potentially been used as a PFP for Telegram, FA, otherwise and etc. o.o;;
Now I am curious... I wonder...
Course I still love the one I have now. But. There is a reason why a second is being considered. I know exactly what I wish for (which is unprecedented).
But who to get such a thing from remains a conflicting decision as ever (which is much less unprecedented).
Hmmm.....
And I was considering getting a new arty thing that could have potentially been used as a PFP for Telegram, FA, otherwise and etc. o.o;;
Now I am curious... I wonder...
Course I still love the one I have now. But. There is a reason why a second is being considered. I know exactly what I wish for (which is unprecedented).
But who to get such a thing from remains a conflicting decision as ever (which is much less unprecedented).
Hmmm.....
Switch Friend Code
Posted 5 years agoI mean yeah... I got stuff. Like Animal Crossing. Smash. Pokemon. IDK. Just wanted to plop this down if anyone was interested I guess haha. Dunno how often I'll be on. Switch doesn't like my Internet for some reason..
SW-8279-4617-5491
SW-8279-4617-5491
SW-8279-4617-5491
SW-8279-4617-5491
SW-8279-4617-5491
SW-8279-4617-5491
BLFC 2020?
Posted 5 years agoYeah I am probably going to go... haha.
But I am concerned this coronavirus thing is going to shut that right down.
...It better not! I hope not! It's not going to, right...?
Ugh. Guess we'll have to wait and see then huh...
But I am concerned this coronavirus thing is going to shut that right down.
...It better not! I hope not! It's not going to, right...?
Ugh. Guess we'll have to wait and see then huh...
Hmmm...
Posted 5 years agoThere is a lot of underwear in my favorites. Wonder what I should do with this revelation....
Seven Years
Posted 5 years ago...So. I have now been on FA for 7 years huh? I have personally declared myself a part of this trashpile called the furry fandom since the day I signed into FA for the very first time. I do not even know if I should ask where all the time went. As I am sure you are all extremely tired of it.
And to celebrate an anniversary as big as this, I.... got nothing.
Oh I could try to get back into writing. ...as if I hadn't been trying to re-motivate myself to do so time and time again... But I am starting to feel better in this regard... slowly. Very slowly. So slowly that... the velocity of as such is the perfect antithesis to time! ...Okay I'll shut up about how fast time is now...
Well, there has been one thing on my mind for a long time now actually... I think I may have brought this up once before, but I do not remember if I actually did or not. And that is in regards to my NSFW account. Call me crazy, but I am thinking about merging the two. Like, was it even the right call in the first place to have separate accounts? Maybe if I was an artist, but since that doesn't apply to me. What was the point? Heh... I had forgotten a long time ago by now...
But there is one concern I have for merging the two-- I would have to reupload everything from that account onto here! And I do NOT want to just outright flood all of your inboxes with copious amounts of porn...!Lord knows... some of you might like that though
So I leave this to you? How would you feel if I did THAT for my glorious 7th anniversary in the furry fandom? Eh. Honestly? Regardless of responses or the lack thereof, I might just do it anyway on a day I am not feeling totally lazy.
Which in this context means never. Oh dear... Welp. We'll just have to see what happens....
And to celebrate an anniversary as big as this, I.... got nothing.
Oh I could try to get back into writing. ...as if I hadn't been trying to re-motivate myself to do so time and time again... But I am starting to feel better in this regard... slowly. Very slowly. So slowly that... the velocity of as such is the perfect antithesis to time! ...Okay I'll shut up about how fast time is now...
Well, there has been one thing on my mind for a long time now actually... I think I may have brought this up once before, but I do not remember if I actually did or not. And that is in regards to my NSFW account. Call me crazy, but I am thinking about merging the two. Like, was it even the right call in the first place to have separate accounts? Maybe if I was an artist, but since that doesn't apply to me. What was the point? Heh... I had forgotten a long time ago by now...
But there is one concern I have for merging the two-- I would have to reupload everything from that account onto here! And I do NOT want to just outright flood all of your inboxes with copious amounts of porn...!
So I leave this to you? How would you feel if I did THAT for my glorious 7th anniversary in the furry fandom? Eh. Honestly? Regardless of responses or the lack thereof, I might just do it anyway on a day I am not feeling totally lazy.
Which in this context means never. Oh dear... Welp. We'll just have to see what happens....
The 2010s in Review~
Posted 5 years agoSo this decade was... a special one. For the sheer fact that it is the first one that I will ever remember in its entirety comprehensively. Because oh I dunno... the 2000s started when I had just turned 3? So yeah... I would just like to take a moment to reflect upon quite the tumultuous group of cycles around the sun? Yeah? This ought to make up for the lack of any journals lately, right? Maybe? Heh. I just cannot believe... that the time has come to do something like this. 3,652 days... Goes so fast huh? To think it will only continue to accelerate more and more is unfathomably scary... But... such is life.
2010- The year of discovery
If I had to sum up 2010 in a few words, it would be... it was good. If anything, the year started off fairly quietly. In 2008, I had suffered a terrible physical ailment that left 2009 recovering from it all as its sole purpose. 2010 was the first full year being in better straights. But as far as that goes, I am not sure what to say about 2010. It was a good year, yeah, but sometimes I wonder why that is. Was it the lack of BAD things that happened? Something I have overlooked? Or was it just a lot of small, insignificant things that eventually added up? Perhaps it was that last one yeah...
I mean this is the year I discovered what I liked in media, like books and music, games, and stuff of that nature. It's when I got my paws on a computer for the first time, albeit it was a school computer lol. Got 4th place in a math competition too.
At the year's dying breaths though, is probably when I took my first few steps into the furry fandom without knowing it. As around my 14th birthday was when I discovered furry artwork for the first time. And yes. It was porn lol XD
Yes, yes 2010 was a good time. Even a few hiccups here and there could not stop it.
2011- The year of incompetence
2011 was a... weird one. Kinda. 2011 started off quiet, in what would probably be called a GOOD way? As to be perfectly honest, 2011 was the year that showcased the majority of my own sheer, personal stupidity. It's kind of embarrassing the things I tried way too hard to have here. Oh yeah. In the long run, it most certainly was important, as I know for a fact I would not be here. What was that thing? Having an online presence that is what. Ooooof course, my technological ineptitude did stop that in its tracks. And it is ineptitude I still have to this day lol XD Well obviously it did work out in the end, but yikes did it take up most of the year... Like... oooouch. I swear 2011 was a thoroughly unproductive year. Not that it mattered too much, being only 14... My first volunteer trip to Yellowstone. It was when I started high school...! How can that be SO long ago now?! Incredible.. I heard the concept of furries for the first time, buuut. I heard the wrong definition. I heard it describe the art, and not the people in a fandom. If I had... I do... wonder.
O-oh yeah. And this was the year I created Aero! ...A beta, more avatar-like version of him, but... he got his start in October! So yeah. That is something!
2012- The year of gold
2012 is the best year of my life insofar. End of story. Why was that? I guess it was because 2012 was probably the year I felt the least alone. Among other things. School was going fantastically. Youtube was a fun thing to be on at the time. Oofs remember Youtube in 2012? Man.. good times. Lots of Minecraft tho. I had no problems with it though, since I was a part of the problem lol. This also had to have been the year I did the most reading too... There was not an awful lot of things to do in the summer, since I dislike summer... a lot.
And of course. The bombshell of my online life- At 2012's dying days around Christmas, while everyone was wondering how we were all still alive... I discovered a certain internet subculture... One that would invade my life and change it irrevocably. Bron-- no it's furries duh~ Though at the time, I knew literally nothing about it and was wondering.. would I consider myself one? Hmm... What did I decide on I wonder... Another day may come when I would elaborate on how this happened too!
<--- also when I met this adorable boi~
2013- The year of polarization
Look at my page. Do you see that sign up date? Do I need to reiterate what this particular year is known for starting with in my life? I do not think I do... As starting in 2013, the furry fandom would become a large part of my life. And it would remain to be, now, going into the 2020s. With 2012 already having been an awesome year, it would be needless to say that throwing furries into it made the first few months of 2013 even better! Yeah... easily the peak of my life, again, I hope it to be merely insofar... It was a beautiful time to be alive. And I truly miss those days. But I swear that someday, things will outshine even this.
So where did things go wrong? Honestly that I am not 100% certain on. As things steadily declined through the summer, both in mental health and physical health. Why? Beats me.. And when my junior year of high school began, I knew that I was in trouble. It was so much harder than it was in the immediate past. And then... I fucked up. I fucked up bad. So indescribably badly that I am where I am today as a direct result of the long chain of events that transpired since: I reached out to try and help others with mental health. Clearly I badly misunderstood how in over my head I was... As I started feeling increasingly more alone and isolated. And then, I got sick. Super badly. Thankfully lasted a month and not more, but... Sadly things would not get much better.
2014- The year of tribulation
In contrast to 2012, 2014 was probably the worst year of my life, as far as mental health goes. So much so, that I really just don't want to talk about it much. Focusing on improving my future has taken all my focus after all.. All that is really needed to be said is that 2014 was filled with heartbreak, heartache, depression, desolation, desperation, angst, and again. Sheer stupidity and incompetence on my part lol! I was a MESS. My health collapsed again early on in the year. But after summer started to progress, things got slowly more okay again. Well, about as okay as things can get regarding everything that was happening. If anything, 2014 was the best year for me trying to draw, as I have never drawn so much in one year before, and I do not think I ever will again. I also held my first job, finished my first major writing project, got my hands on my favorite game ever, Xenoblade Chronicles, AND redesigned Aero completely. Most of who is now was intact even back then. As the willpower incarnate. To help guide my way in the darkest of times. As I hope, and expect, that no year would contest 2014 as the worst ever again.
Buuut little did I know, things would actually get worse in time. Yikes.
2015- The year of silence
This might be a short entry. 2015 was a year that had some major things, but not... much. There was very little good, but also very little bad worth talking about here... This would be my final year in school. And the only I would spend any time in college up to this point. I graduated this year from high school, started my Walmart career, was cheated on, and ultimately decided to move to Arizona in 2016. ...Aaaaand that is about it! Yeah. Not much to say. But after 2014, I think this might be for the best.
I DID also create Lukan and Klaus' characters during this year too, for what that is worth. Got my first art commissions. And yeah. That is that.
2016- The year of mistakes
If only things got better or stayed quiet in 2016. Hoo boy, this year was a complete and utter disaster. There is no way I can deny or deflect THIS fact. So big red flags right away- dropping out of college, and leaving my simple and familiar life in Wyoming to pursue a relationship in Arizona-- what was I thinking? Yeah sure my mom was on board as we both were wanting to leave Wyoming anyway, but wow. WOW. We did EVERYTHING about as poorly as you could. Nowhere to stay, and no jobs lined up in a town neither of us knew anything about? What the FUCK made us think we would be alright with that?! Nevertheless, we recovered from that for the time being. Until May, when we ran into a real possibility of losing everything again. I was forced to ask for help. And that led to me eventually having to send my mom back to Iowa with her family since I could not afford to keep us both there on a part time job at Walmart.. no way.
What resulted from that was rapidly increasing loneliness, confusion, desperation, and carelessness. Ultimately losing my purpose to be in Arizona in 2016's final hours.
But hey, if anything, Zootopia was awesome right? Pokemon Sun and Moon? Heh...
2017- The year of facades
So 2017 was known for one thing in my life. And that would be my abusive ex boyfriend. Just about everything this year involved him and... well... I would like to not be mad at him anymore and move on so... I may keep this one brief too.
Pretty much the first half of 2017 or so boiled down to this-- can't wait to be with new boyfriend and too paranoid to spend too much money. And the second half was me... calling out for help, having moved to Colorado. When I joined Telegram late that year, I wonder how many furs... suspected. *shrug* Who knows.. I had to pretend everything was alright, while my captor pretended to be a good person. Still wondering if it is a good thing I let him take my virginity...
OH YEAH. AND I WAS HIT BY A CAR THIS TIME TOO. Will be dealing with BS from that in 2018 and 2019... Ugh. Losing a lot of family and people I liked did not help much either.
It was in 2017 that I started to take a few steps back and just... evaluate. What am I fighting for? Why am I here? What are my goals? What should I do? ...Some of these questions are still unanswered... Part of this is why I started to write Life is Just a Storm, after all..
2018- The year of recovery
I would not necessarily call 2018 an explicitly GOOD year, it most certainly had a lot of good going on about it. I was finally able to go to furmeets on a relatively frequent basis. I hit my first conventions this year in AC and Denfur. Some... more personal milestones were hit. Saving money (sorta) and meeting new local furs (sorta) was good too!
But... there was an air of uncertainty about the year. As even though there were a lot of good things about 2018, I just had to wonder... what did it all amount to? What was the purpose of all of these things if they did not lead to anything long term? Especially in the realm of relationships, as let's not forget-- Loneliness is a BITCH. Also Walmart made me rage quit. It's... another relatively quiet year, especially after summer ended. I did start working on my telegram sticker pack with
and got my new computer... commed my fursuit partial from 
as well, but sadly... not much else.
Oh. And and I made things more official~ Now... how... how on Earth are we going to unite now...?
2019- The year of stagnation
Oof. I may have to take back what I said about 2011 being an unproductive year. Boy, did I let this one pass me by SO quickly that is obscene. I do not even think I can do a "2019's death..." journal due to the emptiness that was 2019 as a whole. Are there things to talk about? Sure! ...Not much. Most of it was biding time as I waited for more money to come in. I had full intentions on blasting my way through improvement this year but... Sticker pack grew more than I thought. Work started screwing me over at the absolute WORST times possible.. my partial costing a bit more than I anticipated... and to my horror, I found myself facing the possibility of homeless once again! How? How did things get to this point SO fast? It's scary thinking, that going into 2020, these problems are still not resolved. And as long as they are not, I cannot focus on full recovery, and beyond that, thriving. It just kind of makes me wonder... what is it going to TRULY take to seize the future as my own? To be able to independently live as I desire? As what I have been doing is not proving to be enough.
I must use this new decade as a learning platform. To have everything completely turned around by 2029! This is my hope. My dream. My goal. No matter how depressed and down I may get. I cannot let my will waver for even a moment. Each second is precious, since they are speeding up at an alarming rate.
As surreal as it is for me to say this... but... not just 2019 is over. But an entire decade is shifting. It almost does not feel real. It does not feel like reality at all. And yet. It is. Here we are. A new era. A new opportunity will be opening. New changes.
New... horizons.
So let's do this. Let's seize our futures as our own. Our reality. Live as we desire. Without obstruction. Without fear. And whatever challenges that lay ahead, we will rush through with no hesitation. That is what I would like to see starting in 2020. Being able to say that... I. No. WE are willpower incarnate....
Happy New Year, everyone.
2010- The year of discovery
If I had to sum up 2010 in a few words, it would be... it was good. If anything, the year started off fairly quietly. In 2008, I had suffered a terrible physical ailment that left 2009 recovering from it all as its sole purpose. 2010 was the first full year being in better straights. But as far as that goes, I am not sure what to say about 2010. It was a good year, yeah, but sometimes I wonder why that is. Was it the lack of BAD things that happened? Something I have overlooked? Or was it just a lot of small, insignificant things that eventually added up? Perhaps it was that last one yeah...
I mean this is the year I discovered what I liked in media, like books and music, games, and stuff of that nature. It's when I got my paws on a computer for the first time, albeit it was a school computer lol. Got 4th place in a math competition too.
At the year's dying breaths though, is probably when I took my first few steps into the furry fandom without knowing it. As around my 14th birthday was when I discovered furry artwork for the first time. And yes. It was porn lol XD
Yes, yes 2010 was a good time. Even a few hiccups here and there could not stop it.
2011- The year of incompetence
2011 was a... weird one. Kinda. 2011 started off quiet, in what would probably be called a GOOD way? As to be perfectly honest, 2011 was the year that showcased the majority of my own sheer, personal stupidity. It's kind of embarrassing the things I tried way too hard to have here. Oh yeah. In the long run, it most certainly was important, as I know for a fact I would not be here. What was that thing? Having an online presence that is what. Ooooof course, my technological ineptitude did stop that in its tracks. And it is ineptitude I still have to this day lol XD Well obviously it did work out in the end, but yikes did it take up most of the year... Like... oooouch. I swear 2011 was a thoroughly unproductive year. Not that it mattered too much, being only 14... My first volunteer trip to Yellowstone. It was when I started high school...! How can that be SO long ago now?! Incredible.. I heard the concept of furries for the first time, buuut. I heard the wrong definition. I heard it describe the art, and not the people in a fandom. If I had... I do... wonder.
O-oh yeah. And this was the year I created Aero! ...A beta, more avatar-like version of him, but... he got his start in October! So yeah. That is something!
2012- The year of gold
2012 is the best year of my life insofar. End of story. Why was that? I guess it was because 2012 was probably the year I felt the least alone. Among other things. School was going fantastically. Youtube was a fun thing to be on at the time. Oofs remember Youtube in 2012? Man.. good times. Lots of Minecraft tho. I had no problems with it though, since I was a part of the problem lol. This also had to have been the year I did the most reading too... There was not an awful lot of things to do in the summer, since I dislike summer... a lot.
And of course. The bombshell of my online life- At 2012's dying days around Christmas, while everyone was wondering how we were all still alive... I discovered a certain internet subculture... One that would invade my life and change it irrevocably. Bron-- no it's furries duh~ Though at the time, I knew literally nothing about it and was wondering.. would I consider myself one? Hmm... What did I decide on I wonder... Another day may come when I would elaborate on how this happened too!
<--- also when I met this adorable boi~ 2013- The year of polarization
Look at my page. Do you see that sign up date? Do I need to reiterate what this particular year is known for starting with in my life? I do not think I do... As starting in 2013, the furry fandom would become a large part of my life. And it would remain to be, now, going into the 2020s. With 2012 already having been an awesome year, it would be needless to say that throwing furries into it made the first few months of 2013 even better! Yeah... easily the peak of my life, again, I hope it to be merely insofar... It was a beautiful time to be alive. And I truly miss those days. But I swear that someday, things will outshine even this.
So where did things go wrong? Honestly that I am not 100% certain on. As things steadily declined through the summer, both in mental health and physical health. Why? Beats me.. And when my junior year of high school began, I knew that I was in trouble. It was so much harder than it was in the immediate past. And then... I fucked up. I fucked up bad. So indescribably badly that I am where I am today as a direct result of the long chain of events that transpired since: I reached out to try and help others with mental health. Clearly I badly misunderstood how in over my head I was... As I started feeling increasingly more alone and isolated. And then, I got sick. Super badly. Thankfully lasted a month and not more, but... Sadly things would not get much better.
2014- The year of tribulation
In contrast to 2012, 2014 was probably the worst year of my life, as far as mental health goes. So much so, that I really just don't want to talk about it much. Focusing on improving my future has taken all my focus after all.. All that is really needed to be said is that 2014 was filled with heartbreak, heartache, depression, desolation, desperation, angst, and again. Sheer stupidity and incompetence on my part lol! I was a MESS. My health collapsed again early on in the year. But after summer started to progress, things got slowly more okay again. Well, about as okay as things can get regarding everything that was happening. If anything, 2014 was the best year for me trying to draw, as I have never drawn so much in one year before, and I do not think I ever will again. I also held my first job, finished my first major writing project, got my hands on my favorite game ever, Xenoblade Chronicles, AND redesigned Aero completely. Most of who is now was intact even back then. As the willpower incarnate. To help guide my way in the darkest of times. As I hope, and expect, that no year would contest 2014 as the worst ever again.
Buuut little did I know, things would actually get worse in time. Yikes.
2015- The year of silence
This might be a short entry. 2015 was a year that had some major things, but not... much. There was very little good, but also very little bad worth talking about here... This would be my final year in school. And the only I would spend any time in college up to this point. I graduated this year from high school, started my Walmart career, was cheated on, and ultimately decided to move to Arizona in 2016. ...Aaaaand that is about it! Yeah. Not much to say. But after 2014, I think this might be for the best.
I DID also create Lukan and Klaus' characters during this year too, for what that is worth. Got my first art commissions. And yeah. That is that.
2016- The year of mistakes
If only things got better or stayed quiet in 2016. Hoo boy, this year was a complete and utter disaster. There is no way I can deny or deflect THIS fact. So big red flags right away- dropping out of college, and leaving my simple and familiar life in Wyoming to pursue a relationship in Arizona-- what was I thinking? Yeah sure my mom was on board as we both were wanting to leave Wyoming anyway, but wow. WOW. We did EVERYTHING about as poorly as you could. Nowhere to stay, and no jobs lined up in a town neither of us knew anything about? What the FUCK made us think we would be alright with that?! Nevertheless, we recovered from that for the time being. Until May, when we ran into a real possibility of losing everything again. I was forced to ask for help. And that led to me eventually having to send my mom back to Iowa with her family since I could not afford to keep us both there on a part time job at Walmart.. no way.
What resulted from that was rapidly increasing loneliness, confusion, desperation, and carelessness. Ultimately losing my purpose to be in Arizona in 2016's final hours.
But hey, if anything, Zootopia was awesome right? Pokemon Sun and Moon? Heh...
2017- The year of facades
So 2017 was known for one thing in my life. And that would be my abusive ex boyfriend. Just about everything this year involved him and... well... I would like to not be mad at him anymore and move on so... I may keep this one brief too.
Pretty much the first half of 2017 or so boiled down to this-- can't wait to be with new boyfriend and too paranoid to spend too much money. And the second half was me... calling out for help, having moved to Colorado. When I joined Telegram late that year, I wonder how many furs... suspected. *shrug* Who knows.. I had to pretend everything was alright, while my captor pretended to be a good person. Still wondering if it is a good thing I let him take my virginity...
OH YEAH. AND I WAS HIT BY A CAR THIS TIME TOO. Will be dealing with BS from that in 2018 and 2019... Ugh. Losing a lot of family and people I liked did not help much either.
It was in 2017 that I started to take a few steps back and just... evaluate. What am I fighting for? Why am I here? What are my goals? What should I do? ...Some of these questions are still unanswered... Part of this is why I started to write Life is Just a Storm, after all..
2018- The year of recovery
I would not necessarily call 2018 an explicitly GOOD year, it most certainly had a lot of good going on about it. I was finally able to go to furmeets on a relatively frequent basis. I hit my first conventions this year in AC and Denfur. Some... more personal milestones were hit. Saving money (sorta) and meeting new local furs (sorta) was good too!
But... there was an air of uncertainty about the year. As even though there were a lot of good things about 2018, I just had to wonder... what did it all amount to? What was the purpose of all of these things if they did not lead to anything long term? Especially in the realm of relationships, as let's not forget-- Loneliness is a BITCH. Also Walmart made me rage quit. It's... another relatively quiet year, especially after summer ended. I did start working on my telegram sticker pack with
and got my new computer... commed my fursuit partial from 
as well, but sadly... not much else.Oh. And
and I made things more official~ Now... how... how on Earth are we going to unite now...?2019- The year of stagnation
Oof. I may have to take back what I said about 2011 being an unproductive year. Boy, did I let this one pass me by SO quickly that is obscene. I do not even think I can do a "2019's death..." journal due to the emptiness that was 2019 as a whole. Are there things to talk about? Sure! ...Not much. Most of it was biding time as I waited for more money to come in. I had full intentions on blasting my way through improvement this year but... Sticker pack grew more than I thought. Work started screwing me over at the absolute WORST times possible.. my partial costing a bit more than I anticipated... and to my horror, I found myself facing the possibility of homeless once again! How? How did things get to this point SO fast? It's scary thinking, that going into 2020, these problems are still not resolved. And as long as they are not, I cannot focus on full recovery, and beyond that, thriving. It just kind of makes me wonder... what is it going to TRULY take to seize the future as my own? To be able to independently live as I desire? As what I have been doing is not proving to be enough.
I must use this new decade as a learning platform. To have everything completely turned around by 2029! This is my hope. My dream. My goal. No matter how depressed and down I may get. I cannot let my will waver for even a moment. Each second is precious, since they are speeding up at an alarming rate.
As surreal as it is for me to say this... but... not just 2019 is over. But an entire decade is shifting. It almost does not feel real. It does not feel like reality at all. And yet. It is. Here we are. A new era. A new opportunity will be opening. New changes.
New... horizons.
So let's do this. Let's seize our futures as our own. Our reality. Live as we desire. Without obstruction. Without fear. And whatever challenges that lay ahead, we will rush through with no hesitation. That is what I would like to see starting in 2020. Being able to say that... I. No. WE are willpower incarnate....
Happy New Year, everyone.
Streaming?!
Posted 6 years agoYeah well.. I don't even know what to say right here.. Just wanted to state that maybe I may or may not try to stream playing games and stuff down the line. Maybe. If I wasn't so technologically inept this would be a clearer answer, but... Perhaps I am becoming less so?? (Emphasis on the question marks)
It must be something to even be able to navigate the internet TBH.. I am surprised I made it THIS far lol XD
I am so utterly useless lol.
But this is something I am considering. I've got nothing else I am motivated enough to do right now. My writing motivation is gone, and I got nothing else to really offer right now..
SIgh… Really wish I felt like writing again. But you know what? AT LEAST I FEEL LIKE DOING SOMETHING XD
Also YEESH. Why has my journal productivity been so slack lately?
Will post this on Inkbunny and Twitter too because meh.
It must be something to even be able to navigate the internet TBH.. I am surprised I made it THIS far lol XD
I am so utterly useless lol.
But this is something I am considering. I've got nothing else I am motivated enough to do right now. My writing motivation is gone, and I got nothing else to really offer right now..
SIgh… Really wish I felt like writing again. But you know what? AT LEAST I FEEL LIKE DOING SOMETHING XD
Also YEESH. Why has my journal productivity been so slack lately?
Will post this on Inkbunny and Twitter too because meh.
Denfur 2019 in Review
Posted 6 years agoOofs okay yikes uh... I have to be real with y'all, but I did not have the best of times at Denfur this year...
While it is true most of it was due to my lack of preparedness as a whole, I gotta say the organization was a bit lacking as well. Okay. So what happened.
Since I am local, I did not bother getting a room for the con. And my roommate was my source of transportation to and from the convention so... As a result, I had no idea exactly where to put my fursuit stuff since he had the keys to the car. You can see where this went; I almost lost it. Thankfully I didn't but I think you can understand that scared the DAYLIGHTS out of this poor foxxo. I did not shake it off until nearly the end of the day.. This was all on the first day by the way, Friday.
I had a bunch of friends bringing me down on Telegram through a chunk of the con. This one is more my fault; I should have addressed them when I wasn't there, but yeah. No help.
Kay so then on Saturday, I practically missed the fursuit photo shoot because again, roomie has the keys and I had to wait for him. As a result of me rushing my suit on, I left my fan in the car. ...Almost overheated at the end of the parade. Lots of almosts going on here. I can't imagine what would have happened if they WEREN'T almosts..
Due to the fursuit games being unforgivingly early on Sunday, I completely missed them since my roommate and I were not even awake until they had already started. Like what the hell? Are they at 10 AM at other cons? Oof. I wanted to take part, dammit.
But as far as scheduling goes, it really did feel really weird this time around. Like, completely different from last year. It did not exactly feel... right. I dunno.
Oh yeah and what was scheduled, IE, the panels, most of them were not very interesting or too niche that they did not apply to me.
And then the dealer's den. While it was a lot bigger than last year, the layout was just puzzling. You could get into it from two ends. But what was in between was a single path, zigzagging between the booths. I wasn't in there a WHOLE lot, but I can imagine this caused a lot of "traffic jams". Seriously, take a look at the layout for the dealers den and you'll see what I mean. The 18+ dealer's room was in a separate room this time, which makes sense. What DOESN'T though was that it was far from the regular dealers room, and stuck next to the panel rooms. Odd. It's the first thing you see going in one of the entrances too! I wonder what impression THAT may have left on some who may not know the fandom all that well.
Okay I am sure I am just nitpicking at this point. But while I did not have a GREAT time at Denfur this year, I can say that it really wasn't BAD either. I mean I DO still have my suit. I did NOT pass out at the parade.. Everyone I am sure did what they could to make the accommodations work. They did what they could to avoid it being "hallway con" again, I saw that effort. ...It still was a bit of a "hallway con". But I think that is more to do with the layout of Crowne Plaza more than the con itself. But what do I know?! This was only my second Denfur, and THE second Denfur overall! Lots of room for changes I am sure. Let's make 2020 a better year, yeah? Yeah. I know we can do it.
While it is true most of it was due to my lack of preparedness as a whole, I gotta say the organization was a bit lacking as well. Okay. So what happened.
Since I am local, I did not bother getting a room for the con. And my roommate was my source of transportation to and from the convention so... As a result, I had no idea exactly where to put my fursuit stuff since he had the keys to the car. You can see where this went; I almost lost it. Thankfully I didn't but I think you can understand that scared the DAYLIGHTS out of this poor foxxo. I did not shake it off until nearly the end of the day.. This was all on the first day by the way, Friday.
I had a bunch of friends bringing me down on Telegram through a chunk of the con. This one is more my fault; I should have addressed them when I wasn't there, but yeah. No help.
Kay so then on Saturday, I practically missed the fursuit photo shoot because again, roomie has the keys and I had to wait for him. As a result of me rushing my suit on, I left my fan in the car. ...Almost overheated at the end of the parade. Lots of almosts going on here. I can't imagine what would have happened if they WEREN'T almosts..
Due to the fursuit games being unforgivingly early on Sunday, I completely missed them since my roommate and I were not even awake until they had already started. Like what the hell? Are they at 10 AM at other cons? Oof. I wanted to take part, dammit.
But as far as scheduling goes, it really did feel really weird this time around. Like, completely different from last year. It did not exactly feel... right. I dunno.
Oh yeah and what was scheduled, IE, the panels, most of them were not very interesting or too niche that they did not apply to me.
And then the dealer's den. While it was a lot bigger than last year, the layout was just puzzling. You could get into it from two ends. But what was in between was a single path, zigzagging between the booths. I wasn't in there a WHOLE lot, but I can imagine this caused a lot of "traffic jams". Seriously, take a look at the layout for the dealers den and you'll see what I mean. The 18+ dealer's room was in a separate room this time, which makes sense. What DOESN'T though was that it was far from the regular dealers room, and stuck next to the panel rooms. Odd. It's the first thing you see going in one of the entrances too! I wonder what impression THAT may have left on some who may not know the fandom all that well.
Okay I am sure I am just nitpicking at this point. But while I did not have a GREAT time at Denfur this year, I can say that it really wasn't BAD either. I mean I DO still have my suit. I did NOT pass out at the parade.. Everyone I am sure did what they could to make the accommodations work. They did what they could to avoid it being "hallway con" again, I saw that effort. ...It still was a bit of a "hallway con". But I think that is more to do with the layout of Crowne Plaza more than the con itself. But what do I know?! This was only my second Denfur, and THE second Denfur overall! Lots of room for changes I am sure. Let's make 2020 a better year, yeah? Yeah. I know we can do it.
DENFUR 2019
Posted 6 years agoIt starts today!! Who else will be there?! I demand to see you XP
But a word of note. I have tinnitus in my right ear; the ringing has left me harder of hearing on that side. Haha ^^;;
But in the meantime... I'll be foxing the place up ^^;
But a word of note. I have tinnitus in my right ear; the ringing has left me harder of hearing on that side. Haha ^^;;
But in the meantime... I'll be foxing the place up ^^;
Out of Curiosity...
Posted 6 years agoHow would y'all feel about me making YouTube videos eventually? Soon even? I have been considering it for many years now, but could never do so because... well...
….If ya followed me for the past few years, I think you can guess...… Oof.
Needless to say I am finally reaching a point where I can do so again.
They'd probably be things about the fandom and how it's impacted me, games and stuff. Maybe even well... a review series of sorts. All I really have to do right now is get a decent microphone... Yeah that is it; everything else is there for the most part. ……...Got any recommendations?
Okay... I am still not 100% certain about this because it feels like every time I TRY to get into it, life derails me significantly enough for me to stop for months. Even years!
But... as I said in my last journal... Things are slowly re-stabilizing. And I intend to keep it that way now that I have a lot more control this time around.. Let me know what your thoughts are if ya have any!
Foxxo says have a good day, and stay determined...
….If ya followed me for the past few years, I think you can guess...… Oof.
Needless to say I am finally reaching a point where I can do so again.
They'd probably be things about the fandom and how it's impacted me, games and stuff. Maybe even well... a review series of sorts. All I really have to do right now is get a decent microphone... Yeah that is it; everything else is there for the most part. ……...Got any recommendations?
Okay... I am still not 100% certain about this because it feels like every time I TRY to get into it, life derails me significantly enough for me to stop for months. Even years!
But... as I said in my last journal... Things are slowly re-stabilizing. And I intend to keep it that way now that I have a lot more control this time around.. Let me know what your thoughts are if ya have any!
Foxxo says have a good day, and stay determined...
Oh Hey (Ramblings)
Posted 6 years agoDistracted foxxo is distracted. Look at that...! 300 watchers...! Um... hey when did this happen?? Four weeks ago?
Oh s**t
Oops. Sorry ^^;;
Foxxo has been busy trying to regain control of life to do much lately haha. Please forgive. Even though I have been doing so way too much but, hey, such things take time especially... given the circumstances um... Yeah...
But hey, yeah, things are going significantly better now than ever before. Still got a lot of work to do. License and car... Why must stagnation haunt me...? Oof. Everything else though... Yes. We're getting somewhere. Hopefully soon I'll be able to hop onto once again my novel project, LIJAS, and well... writing in general too! As in short stories. And stuff. Commissions and such are on the table, but I have to get things ready for such a thing.
Um... let's see what else...? Oh yeah, my fursuit partial came in a week ago! We'll be seeing him come up Saturday/next Sunday-ish? XP Yays.
Oh yes. And if any of yas are coming to Denfur or TTFC in August, let me know. I want to see all yas lol XP Oof shame I cannot make AC this year.. I lucked out too much in making it last year, I know.. >.>;
Hmm... I think that's it for now. Time for another three month gap between journals lol XP Have a good one everybody as we end Pride Month (sadface) and head into the second half of 2019 already oof…
BAI.
Oh s**t
Oops. Sorry ^^;;
Foxxo has been busy trying to regain control of life to do much lately haha. Please forgive. Even though I have been doing so way too much but, hey, such things take time especially... given the circumstances um... Yeah...
But hey, yeah, things are going significantly better now than ever before. Still got a lot of work to do. License and car... Why must stagnation haunt me...? Oof. Everything else though... Yes. We're getting somewhere. Hopefully soon I'll be able to hop onto once again my novel project, LIJAS, and well... writing in general too! As in short stories. And stuff. Commissions and such are on the table, but I have to get things ready for such a thing.
Um... let's see what else...? Oh yeah, my fursuit partial came in a week ago! We'll be seeing him come up Saturday/next Sunday-ish? XP Yays.
Oh yes. And if any of yas are coming to Denfur or TTFC in August, let me know. I want to see all yas lol XP Oof shame I cannot make AC this year.. I lucked out too much in making it last year, I know.. >.>;
Hmm... I think that's it for now. Time for another three month gap between journals lol XP Have a good one everybody as we end Pride Month (sadface) and head into the second half of 2019 already oof…
BAI.
Twitter, LIJAS, Fursuit, and Things
Posted 6 years agoSo it has been a fair bit since I journaled um... let's see uh...
I'm starting to become more active on Twitter, because I dunno. Still don't have enough going on in life to justify it but uh...… yeah. If you follow, be wary that there may be some lewd stuff on there. I dunno whether I want to sort that out or not. Maybe, but not now..
LIJAS progress is slow. I know. I'm sorry. But ye olde motivation and depression and other shit have more than just kept me down.. they've almost stopped me entirely. I like to keep quiet about how I've been feeling nowadays (yeesh what stark contrast to 5 years ago), so I haven't been letting very many people know about the serious decline in my mental health lately.. The only evidence you have been seeing of it is... well... Me not doing a whole lot. And this has been my explanation for my lack of anything since like, 2016. I want to change that, I do. But the second I sit down to write or do anything productive, I just. Stop. Dead. And just cannot do it. And if I force myself to do anything, than the result will... well let's just say if it were a YouTube video, it'd outdo YouTube Rewind 2018's dislikes by a margin so big, the entire universe wouldn't fit in it. So I am, for now, trying to focus on healing. Though that uh... will take time, if the past FIVE YEARS hasn't been a good indicator for that.. Everything right now is just big mess. And I don't have the means to get out of it at present.
As for my partial fursuit.. Will be started soon, by the looks of things; it's paid in full, my measurements and things are being taken care of. Not long now.. Will be great when that is taken care of! So if there is any optimism to be found in me right now, it would be in that.
One step at a time.
Hope y'all have been doing better than me, because if not.. PLEASE let me hug you..
I'm starting to become more active on Twitter, because I dunno. Still don't have enough going on in life to justify it but uh...… yeah. If you follow, be wary that there may be some lewd stuff on there. I dunno whether I want to sort that out or not. Maybe, but not now..
LIJAS progress is slow. I know. I'm sorry. But ye olde motivation and depression and other shit have more than just kept me down.. they've almost stopped me entirely. I like to keep quiet about how I've been feeling nowadays (yeesh what stark contrast to 5 years ago), so I haven't been letting very many people know about the serious decline in my mental health lately.. The only evidence you have been seeing of it is... well... Me not doing a whole lot. And this has been my explanation for my lack of anything since like, 2016. I want to change that, I do. But the second I sit down to write or do anything productive, I just. Stop. Dead. And just cannot do it. And if I force myself to do anything, than the result will... well let's just say if it were a YouTube video, it'd outdo YouTube Rewind 2018's dislikes by a margin so big, the entire universe wouldn't fit in it. So I am, for now, trying to focus on healing. Though that uh... will take time, if the past FIVE YEARS hasn't been a good indicator for that.. Everything right now is just big mess. And I don't have the means to get out of it at present.
As for my partial fursuit.. Will be started soon, by the looks of things; it's paid in full, my measurements and things are being taken care of. Not long now.. Will be great when that is taken care of! So if there is any optimism to be found in me right now, it would be in that.
One step at a time.
Hope y'all have been doing better than me, because if not.. PLEASE let me hug you..
Okay. This Could Get Really Bad.
Posted 6 years agoPfft. And Life itself has tossed upon me the first big trial in order for me to face head on for the year of 2019.
Soo... If you guys remember, back in November of 2017, I was hit by a car right? Well ever since July of last year, the day before I left for Anthrocon since wow it's hard to forget THAT fact, I had heard literally nothing from the police (Since January), district attorney (February), insurance (March) or hospital (July) at all. Nadda. Nothing.
Welllllll... This morning I just got a $13,000+ bill from said hospital (Total cost for all of it being $15,197.55). Great. I THOUGHT WE DEALT WITH THIS. So it would seem that something unbeknownst to me has befallen this case. So I guess some phone calls are in order.
Fuck. Well now I am half panicking. But I swear to GOD I will NOT let this hinder my future. I already swore that NOTHING is going to get in its way this time...!
Pray for me... This may get ugly...
I'll be sure to update things as we go along....
...Maybe one of these days I'll finally have my peace and quiet...
Soo... If you guys remember, back in November of 2017, I was hit by a car right? Well ever since July of last year, the day before I left for Anthrocon since wow it's hard to forget THAT fact, I had heard literally nothing from the police (Since January), district attorney (February), insurance (March) or hospital (July) at all. Nadda. Nothing.
Welllllll... This morning I just got a $13,000+ bill from said hospital (Total cost for all of it being $15,197.55). Great. I THOUGHT WE DEALT WITH THIS. So it would seem that something unbeknownst to me has befallen this case. So I guess some phone calls are in order.
Fuck. Well now I am half panicking. But I swear to GOD I will NOT let this hinder my future. I already swore that NOTHING is going to get in its way this time...!
Pray for me... This may get ugly...
I'll be sure to update things as we go along....
...Maybe one of these days I'll finally have my peace and quiet...
2018's Death
Posted 6 years agoSo I have just been informed that the end of the year has been attained once again. This. This is unprecedented. Soon, time will even outpace the expansion rates of the universe!
Well, joking aside, that means it's time for me to recap my year's experiences as I have done since the very start, back in 2013 when I first joined this fandom.
And maaaaan oh man. What a year this was. Probably the year I've done the most in this fandom up to this point! Still not a whole lot, but it is compared to before, and I cannot be happier than now for me to say, things, they're looking up for me, slowly but surely.
This year was spent almost entirely on recovery. Every year I have been in this fandom has NOT been kind to me, if you haven't noticed. The last two years, 2016 and 2017 being the most damning of all. I have made great strides this year, but there is still more to go. So. How did this year shape up for me??
In the month of January 2018...
Immediately I have hit a milestone-- My first local furmeet. I know right? Took god damn long enough. Well, being in Wyoming, small towns, and an abuse ex's house over the course of five years kiiiiiinda stopped me big time if you could not tell. During this month I got away from that ex, moved to Aurora, Colorado, and experienced my first two local furmeets thanks to this fact. I may pretty much live in the slums right now... But it IS close to a lot of stuff so there is that.
On the downside though, this was when I was starting to notice a serious shift for the worse in my health. 2018 was probably the worst year ever in terms of my overall physical health and I still do not know why...
In the month of February 2018...
Not too much different happened just yet. Started a job at a new location, one that TOTALLY sucked balls by the way. Continued the furmeet escapades. Funny how I went from being able to go to none, to a couple a month. Colorado's furry community is quite active. ^^
This was a pretty rocky month as a whole. Probably the worst or second worst of the year. But even at that, it wasn't even that bad. Place it in 16/17... And it would seem like one of the best.
Also KINDA worth noting is the progression of Life is Just a Storm, really starting to get into gear around this time..
In the month of March 2018...
FINALLY started playing Xenoblade Chronicles 2. I dunno if y'all know this, but the Xenoblade trilogy of games are my favorite games, like. Ever. So good. In fact, I practically tossed this month into actually... playing it so nothing much happened. Oops. ^^;;;
In the month April 2018...
Beat Xenoblade 2 and... DEAR LORD. I caught a real nasty cold this month, and it pretty much dominated the final third or so of the month. It was nasty for just how damn long it lasted...! I think my roommate
keeps getting me sick... X_X; ...As you can probably tell, not a helluva lot happened in the first half of the year really. It's when we get to the second half where things begin to get interesting...
This month's Foxtrot, which is a major furmeet for Colorado every even numbered month, was a pretty big blast tho.
In the month of May 2018...
Still not much happened. The gist of my initial recovery was to raise as much money as I can in order to regain what I had lost in the previous years. A-as much as I can of course. May was sort of just focused on that shizzles. That damn cold finally went away. Over three weeks long. Please let that never happen again.
I-I also sworn I would try to use Lukan and Klaus more often, b-but that hasn't panned out...! What is wrong with me aaahhh…!
In the month of June 2018...
So things start getting more interesting... June, right off the bat, started with me rage quitting Walmart. Four stores and three years later, they finally got me to just straight up quit. This was not great at first, as my future depended on me raising money on its behalf. So that... Was probably why I am still not satisfied just yet right now. Peh.
Well, it did give me more time to focus on LIJAS at least.. I dunno when I would have gotten done with Blizzard if I did not have a month to myself for a while. That, and I got to hang out with a lot of friends more often too, so there is that!
Oh yeah. Got my learner's permit too. Can't forget about that.
In the month of July 2018...
A lot of things. Just. A lot.
I went to Anthrocon. So time to cross off my first con off the checklist of furry trashy things of me to do...
I wonder what else I could-- Oh! Commission a fursuit, that's another good one! Checkaroo! ...Still waiting for it tho. Aaaaagh! The wait! I was informed it was gonna be agonizing and they were NOT wrong...!
And I started a new job! Which is... better than before I guess, but I am not really liking it quite as much anymore... Bleh.
And also. My main computer died. The one that I had for quite some time just went kaput. So depressing. A friend gave me their craptop which would hopefully tide me over until I got a new good one, but uh... That... Did not last that long either. I demand a lot out of my stuff. Guess it was just too much. XP
Aaaand to round things out, found a furmeet in Aurora that's weekly. What. A total 180 from this point previously...
AND I STARTED MY TELEGRAM STICKER PACK. Courtesy of Thank you so much for bearing with me! Especially since there will be around 150 of them. S-so far anyways...! OoO;;
In the month of August 2018...
Denfur! The new convention that takes place in Denver after the disastrous end of RMFC! Living in Aurora, a 15 minute drive from the convention center pretty much guaranteed my attendance. Won a couple gaming tournaments there. Cool. Had to miss some furmeets partially to make sure I could go. Work... would not appreciate me trying to get a lot of time off so soon.
So after all that, my bank account, and the progress I made towards my goals were just... dashed, delayed, and destroyed...
Was it worth? Hell yes.
In the month of September 2018...
Things started to quiet down after quite the eventful summer. My temp craptop went into cardiac arrest and I was out of a computer for half the month plus almost all of October. THAT SUCKED. If anything, I managed to finish LIJAS Part 1 amidst the technological chaos!
In the month of October 2018...
Gots my new, super powerful $2,000 computer that once again put my bank under a bit of stress, but it was one of the things on my list of things to obtain in order to regain control of my life. So that's fiiiiiiine.
Declared my long time best friend my sweetheart <3 after knowing each other for six years, a month before I even joined this trashpile.
Started to truly see what I have been needing to do with my life this entire time, especially what all my critical flaws were. I had quite the self revelation around this time. I feel more determined than ever to make the future I desire my reality. After all, Aero Novara, who celebrated his 7th birthday during this month, is all about my resilience to persevere towards the future..
In the month of November 2018...
November was another very quiet month, probably the quietest of the entire year in all honesty... The only thing to really note is my appearance on Discord, which I gotta do more with by the way...
The month was basically about pulling together my budget in order to rebound from getting the new computer. Other than that it was the same old stuff. Weekly meets. Overnight job. On hiatus as well as I wanted to take a break from LIJAS for a while. Just... working towards my goals one day at a time...
In the month of December 2018...
Whew, my 22nd birthday was uh... was quite the blast! Cannot believe the Foxtrot meet landed on it... A-among other things I should probably keep to myself ^^;;;
SMASH BROS. ULTIMATE THO
More work. Really got tricky, thank you Christmas. Oh and also an unfortunate bout of depression around said holiday. I've only just now shaken it off as I am writing this. Sad times.
But other than that, December is where I started working on some things that will hopefully come to fruition in early 2019. Like LIJAS Part 2, some YouTube stuff. I hope to get more into gaming and play stuffs with some of you guys!
All a part of my plan to make 2019 THE year for me. As I walk and work. Step by step. Making strides towards the future I desire. The future I decided I will already have. I hope 2019 will be the vehicle I need, and have the last of what I have yet to obtain in order to do just that. My fursuit. A car. A whole new life. A whole new me. I might even become united with my sweetheart Matt sometime next year, even though I still don't expect that until the turn of the decade.. Anthrocon and Denfur are cons I plan to return to even though the former just got a little... Complicated.
We'll see! Even if I have already decided my future, I know that there will be challenges to face that will attempt to write it contrary to my favoring. Just as I have persevered through the turning point in 2013...
The desolation of 2014...
The silence of 2015...
The destruction of 2016...
The betrayal of 2017...
And the slow recovery of 2018...
Whatever the next year has in store for me in particular, I have this to say: Feel free to try and break the spirit of the Incarnation of Willpower itself. I dare you.
As I hope 2019 will continue the positivity I have had overall this year, I hope for the same for all of you! I will see you all. Next year XP
2017: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8561306/
2016: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8002393/
2015: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7281359/
2014: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/6383942/
2013: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/5371693/
Well, joking aside, that means it's time for me to recap my year's experiences as I have done since the very start, back in 2013 when I first joined this fandom.
And maaaaan oh man. What a year this was. Probably the year I've done the most in this fandom up to this point! Still not a whole lot, but it is compared to before, and I cannot be happier than now for me to say, things, they're looking up for me, slowly but surely.
This year was spent almost entirely on recovery. Every year I have been in this fandom has NOT been kind to me, if you haven't noticed. The last two years, 2016 and 2017 being the most damning of all. I have made great strides this year, but there is still more to go. So. How did this year shape up for me??
In the month of January 2018...
Immediately I have hit a milestone-- My first local furmeet. I know right? Took god damn long enough. Well, being in Wyoming, small towns, and an abuse ex's house over the course of five years kiiiiiinda stopped me big time if you could not tell. During this month I got away from that ex, moved to Aurora, Colorado, and experienced my first two local furmeets thanks to this fact. I may pretty much live in the slums right now... But it IS close to a lot of stuff so there is that.
On the downside though, this was when I was starting to notice a serious shift for the worse in my health. 2018 was probably the worst year ever in terms of my overall physical health and I still do not know why...
In the month of February 2018...
Not too much different happened just yet. Started a job at a new location, one that TOTALLY sucked balls by the way. Continued the furmeet escapades. Funny how I went from being able to go to none, to a couple a month. Colorado's furry community is quite active. ^^
This was a pretty rocky month as a whole. Probably the worst or second worst of the year. But even at that, it wasn't even that bad. Place it in 16/17... And it would seem like one of the best.
Also KINDA worth noting is the progression of Life is Just a Storm, really starting to get into gear around this time..
In the month of March 2018...
FINALLY started playing Xenoblade Chronicles 2. I dunno if y'all know this, but the Xenoblade trilogy of games are my favorite games, like. Ever. So good. In fact, I practically tossed this month into actually... playing it so nothing much happened. Oops. ^^;;;
In the month April 2018...
Beat Xenoblade 2 and... DEAR LORD. I caught a real nasty cold this month, and it pretty much dominated the final third or so of the month. It was nasty for just how damn long it lasted...! I think my roommate
keeps getting me sick... X_X; ...As you can probably tell, not a helluva lot happened in the first half of the year really. It's when we get to the second half where things begin to get interesting... This month's Foxtrot, which is a major furmeet for Colorado every even numbered month, was a pretty big blast tho.
In the month of May 2018...
Still not much happened. The gist of my initial recovery was to raise as much money as I can in order to regain what I had lost in the previous years. A-as much as I can of course. May was sort of just focused on that shizzles. That damn cold finally went away. Over three weeks long. Please let that never happen again.
I-I also sworn I would try to use Lukan and Klaus more often, b-but that hasn't panned out...! What is wrong with me aaahhh…!
In the month of June 2018...
So things start getting more interesting... June, right off the bat, started with me rage quitting Walmart. Four stores and three years later, they finally got me to just straight up quit. This was not great at first, as my future depended on me raising money on its behalf. So that... Was probably why I am still not satisfied just yet right now. Peh.
Well, it did give me more time to focus on LIJAS at least.. I dunno when I would have gotten done with Blizzard if I did not have a month to myself for a while. That, and I got to hang out with a lot of friends more often too, so there is that!
Oh yeah. Got my learner's permit too. Can't forget about that.
In the month of July 2018...
A lot of things. Just. A lot.
I went to Anthrocon. So time to cross off my first con off the checklist of furry trashy things of me to do...
I wonder what else I could-- Oh! Commission a fursuit, that's another good one! Checkaroo! ...Still waiting for it tho. Aaaaagh! The wait! I was informed it was gonna be agonizing and they were NOT wrong...!
And I started a new job! Which is... better than before I guess, but I am not really liking it quite as much anymore... Bleh.
And also. My main computer died. The one that I had for quite some time just went kaput. So depressing. A friend gave me their craptop which would hopefully tide me over until I got a new good one, but uh... That... Did not last that long either. I demand a lot out of my stuff. Guess it was just too much. XP
Aaaand to round things out, found a furmeet in Aurora that's weekly. What. A total 180 from this point previously...
AND I STARTED MY TELEGRAM STICKER PACK. Courtesy of
Thank you so much for bearing with me! Especially since there will be around 150 of them. S-so far anyways...! OoO;;In the month of August 2018...
Denfur! The new convention that takes place in Denver after the disastrous end of RMFC! Living in Aurora, a 15 minute drive from the convention center pretty much guaranteed my attendance. Won a couple gaming tournaments there. Cool. Had to miss some furmeets partially to make sure I could go. Work... would not appreciate me trying to get a lot of time off so soon.
So after all that, my bank account, and the progress I made towards my goals were just... dashed, delayed, and destroyed...
Was it worth? Hell yes.
In the month of September 2018...
Things started to quiet down after quite the eventful summer. My temp craptop went into cardiac arrest and I was out of a computer for half the month plus almost all of October. THAT SUCKED. If anything, I managed to finish LIJAS Part 1 amidst the technological chaos!
In the month of October 2018...
Gots my new, super powerful $2,000 computer that once again put my bank under a bit of stress, but it was one of the things on my list of things to obtain in order to regain control of my life. So that's fiiiiiiine.
Declared my long time best friend
my sweetheart <3 after knowing each other for six years, a month before I even joined this trashpile. Started to truly see what I have been needing to do with my life this entire time, especially what all my critical flaws were. I had quite the self revelation around this time. I feel more determined than ever to make the future I desire my reality. After all, Aero Novara, who celebrated his 7th birthday during this month, is all about my resilience to persevere towards the future..
In the month of November 2018...
November was another very quiet month, probably the quietest of the entire year in all honesty... The only thing to really note is my appearance on Discord, which I gotta do more with by the way...
The month was basically about pulling together my budget in order to rebound from getting the new computer. Other than that it was the same old stuff. Weekly meets. Overnight job. On hiatus as well as I wanted to take a break from LIJAS for a while. Just... working towards my goals one day at a time...
In the month of December 2018...
Whew, my 22nd birthday was uh... was quite the blast! Cannot believe the Foxtrot meet landed on it... A-among other things I should probably keep to myself ^^;;;
SMASH BROS. ULTIMATE THO
More work. Really got tricky, thank you Christmas. Oh and also an unfortunate bout of depression around said holiday. I've only just now shaken it off as I am writing this. Sad times.
But other than that, December is where I started working on some things that will hopefully come to fruition in early 2019. Like LIJAS Part 2, some YouTube stuff. I hope to get more into gaming and play stuffs with some of you guys!
All a part of my plan to make 2019 THE year for me. As I walk and work. Step by step. Making strides towards the future I desire. The future I decided I will already have. I hope 2019 will be the vehicle I need, and have the last of what I have yet to obtain in order to do just that. My fursuit. A car. A whole new life. A whole new me. I might even become united with my sweetheart Matt sometime next year, even though I still don't expect that until the turn of the decade.. Anthrocon and Denfur are cons I plan to return to even though the former just got a little... Complicated.
We'll see! Even if I have already decided my future, I know that there will be challenges to face that will attempt to write it contrary to my favoring. Just as I have persevered through the turning point in 2013...
The desolation of 2014...
The silence of 2015...
The destruction of 2016...
The betrayal of 2017...
And the slow recovery of 2018...
Whatever the next year has in store for me in particular, I have this to say: Feel free to try and break the spirit of the Incarnation of Willpower itself. I dare you.
As I hope 2019 will continue the positivity I have had overall this year, I hope for the same for all of you! I will see you all. Next year XP
2017: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8561306/
2016: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8002393/
2015: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7281359/
2014: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/6383942/
2013: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/5371693/
I Dunno About You, But I'm Feelin' 22!
Posted 6 years agoYeah sorry about making the last journal a link to this song, but... It's both so fitting and not.
Because. Well.
MY 22ND BIRTHDAY IS TODAY
And yet...
I still feel like I am 16 or 17 years old or something.
I mean, I know time goes fast, much, MUCH faster than light, but... But STILL! :S
How can this be?
Heh. Ponder as I may, it will not change the fact that time will continue to accelerate. So with this new year in mind, I have this to say. Let's make it the best one yet. Even better than 15, because I fudgin' loved that year.. ^^;
Well. We'll see what happens. XP
Because. Well.
MY 22ND BIRTHDAY IS TODAY
And yet...
I still feel like I am 16 or 17 years old or something.
I mean, I know time goes fast, much, MUCH faster than light, but... But STILL! :S
How can this be?
Heh. Ponder as I may, it will not change the fact that time will continue to accelerate. So with this new year in mind, I have this to say. Let's make it the best one yet. Even better than 15, because I fudgin' loved that year.. ^^;
Well. We'll see what happens. XP
