I realized it's been dang near 3 years since my last journal. That's crazy!

There really isn't an excuse, and hardly an explanation.

Us, here in the furry community, aren't unfamiliar with mental health issues. Well, that's the crux of it, I've a few different matters there, intermingled with the physical.

Long and short is ADHD and some dramatically nasty anxiety means medication is a tightrope walk. "Try this medication" it causes self-harm tics. "Try that medication, but now you can't be on that other medication", it turns out that other medication is far more necessary. Whoops," "Here's this medication" and enjoy the insomnia.


I don't think I've spoken much of physical health here, maybe the odd snippet here or there in my gallery.

Long and short or the matter, I was born at 26 weeks, aka severely premature.
The trauma of being birthed lead to some bleeding in the brain, which caused a blockage where cerebral-spinal fluid leaves the brain. This blockage is right by the brain stem, it's too high risk an area to surgically remove it.

In some cases the body just naturally dislodges? Dissolves? I've actually never asked what happens when...the problem is no longer there. Regardless, sometimes the problem goes *poof* and yeah, everything is hunky-dory!

It hasn't in my case (I won't complain because given my birth circumstances and what could've happened, I am incredibly lucky. I have my sight, I have my mental faculties, physically I'm largely healthy, I can walk and run, my coordination issues are relatively minor! Many don't have that luck)

This blockage creates what's known as "hydrocephalus", more colloquially known as "water on the brain". Where the interior of the brain fill with fluid, in my case, cerebral-spinal fluid. Due to the normal passageway of the fluid leaving the brain being blocked, in my case it

To rectify this, and y'know, keep my all not dead and such, they install a tube and pump system known as a VP Shunt.
It pumps the fluid from my brain, into my abdomen where the body just treats it as waste.

How it effects (both while functioning and malfunctioning) a person varies, I think based on where the build up happens to put the most pressure (apparently, in a lot of people malfunction of the shunt causes balance and coordination issues)

For me, both while it's functioning, and even when it's not I get nasty headaches and migraines.
When it's malfunctioning though, as pressure builds there extra things that will crop up (for example I'll get audiotory and visual hallucinations). Headaches are what I always notice.

For the first time in my life, doctors are offering prescription medications. Unfortunately, so far, no luck, run out of the oral medications and now am going through the injection ones. Been close, a 30 day injection worked amazingly....for 2 weeks. Then it was 2 weeks of more severe (likely "rebound") headaches.

More extreme methods are being discussed, like botox (which nnng).

Which further hinders things and is killer on focus and progress.
I've a referral, and need to make an appointment with the neurologist, and we'll check my shunt and it's function (it's been...12 years....it's supposed to be yearly at a minimum) and see if anything is going on there to increase the headaches.

I figured out my core issue with posting (because I've been drawing and am even considering doing art and subsequent prints for selling to tourists, and perhaps looking into further avenues).

It's anxiety, it has shown me some issues that are far more deeply rooted than I'd realized. Stuff like "I don't like this piece (usually due to perfectionism and not being "good enough") how can I expect others to like it?"
Sometimes "like" is replaced with other words "care/ care for" or "hate". Usually just connected to "It should be better". Stuff clearly more self-esteem and anxiety driven.

There's a lot I want to do, more I want to share. Did you guys know I've an official fursona? Yeah, most don't because the anxiety has frozen me from starting(it feels overwhelming) and only like 3 people have seen her., pfft

I've considered bringing back the idea of having the Hubby play manager, but there's been some chaos, so that'd be a minute.

Will I be posting anytime soon? Hopefully, but who knows.

I need to figure out how to either quash or work with that anxiety first.

If you've made it through this muck, thank you! I appreciate you taking that time!
Hopefully, I'll post an update soon with news that's more exciting

I'm gonna prattle on into the void, but should the void want to speak in turn and offer advices I wouldn't complain.

I've been working on some stuff with my art. It's something that can't be shown as it's mental.

I have art, I have a whole stash. I just didn't want to post it.

So into my mind I go. At first I suspected it was the usual quality insecurity, the whole "It's not good enough" to post. I realized that was not the case. Trying to convince myself that was the issue, because that would be "easy", felt wrong, like I was hitting a wall.

I stepped back and had to wander the depths of my mind.

One thing I realized is "You don't have to do full polished pieces, you can just do things with less detail, things at different stages of the art process. A sketch can be just as complete as a full on painting"
Along with the "Draw what you want to draw"
I'm not doing any sort of freelance work, it is 100% okay to draw whatever I want.
I did a couple scribbles to help myself there (like so: https://tinyurl.com/ysc65ewr) Little known fact, I love drawing me some sighthounds!

The other, a major one is I'm afraid of being judged largely for my subjects. It's a little funny as it's not the typical "Oh no, I don't want to be judged for drawing lewd stuffs/porn" Still a SFW artist, sorry guys :P.

I haven't quite pinned down why this is the case, still working there. Especially since it's been things like drawing foxes or dog, or concepts for a 'sona (Shout out to  Shadowhide and his mate for being my sound boards and giving feedback). Perhaps it's the new subject matter that's coming with the potential 'sona?

Who knows?

Have any of you ever hit these walls? If so, how'd you get through it?

For the past few months have been doing weekly studies. We've decided to stream this week's session at 2pm PST, 5pm EST, 22:00 GMT.

This week we're studying human expressions, and if it gets tedious for us, some random doodles.

It'll be streamed via youtube over yonder: Ba-doop

We talk, so there will be sound. You can join in via chat! I'd love to hear from you all. You can also just mute and watch though.
I hope to see you there
Completed, but you can watch it if desired using the about link

I'm curious, what, if anything distinguishes my art/style what-have you?

I've wanted to ask for a good while but have always worried about wording it poorly. That'd it'd come off asking for compliments or some such.

I don't mean things like "you do x really well" as it's not about skill or lack thereof (though I do intend to make a journal asking for critique later on so you can put some of that here if you'd like, I guess). Rather when my art appears in your inbox does it stand out in any way? Can you see a piece and go "Oh hey, Akorr posted."

If so, what makes it stand out or catches your eye?

What makes Akorr's art Akorr's?

This is just idle curiosity, I don't plan to change my style because mine may be generic. I do want to find weak points and improve, but I don't want to end up chasing my tail right now. Just kind of a "What do others see?"

I'm curious, do any of you guys have a sort of...apathy feels like such a strong word. For years I told myself "I'll build a back log and then I'll post, I'll be active."

However, now I have a back log I just need to scan it, and in some cases just post. However, the desire isn't there.
Not in a depressed "No one cares" kind of why, not a "it's pointless" kind of way. More it's old news and I don't care, why should I expect you guys to, y'know?

As a teenager all over the internet I saw "if you don't like your art it'll show and others won't either", and I guess it stuck with me. Except instead of not liking the art I'm just waiting to long to bother, I suppose?

Don't get me wrong, I want the social aspect just like everybody else! I just know I'm not real good at playing the game(I prefer one on one discussion and on art in general with the occasional critique)...and haven't been playing for, geeze, almost a decade now.
I hope I'm a more worthwhile "player" when I try again though! But that's not the issue here. Perhaps it's social media itself? I want to just create, not compete? I don't know, still trying to get to that root.

Do you guys ever struggle with this sort of thing? If so how have you combated it?
Do you guys prefer artists the post consistently, and/or are you okay with someone who posts a little more sporadically?(When I say this, as long as I stay on top of my mental health, it won't be years in between posts)

There's been some issue with my meds. I talk with the psych tomorrow. Honestly, I don't want to get rid of the adhd meds. So whether he tells me "suck it up, buttercup" and no more adhd meds, we push with my current regime(at max dosage with 2 of the meds) or I start over in the depression and anxiety medication department.
There is potential that may throw me back in areas I can't predict.

My current plan of action is to scan everything I have done and post them every so often, unsure of the schedule yet. My plan had become "just draw for a month", post sketch dumps every so often on a schedule with any illustrations getting they're own submission. Now I'm tempted to leave even sketches individual submission to have some extra backlog buffer room.
Within reason, obviously I wouldn't post say a single gestural sketch.

The goal to eventually begin being active on various sites, work on that first step in the whole sociability thing. FA being the first site, then eventually a few others. Slow and steady, as they say, slow and steady.
I plan to update/edit this sometime between Friday and Sunday. So I can give you guys something more solid.

Update: Some of you more familiar with psychiatry may have found my fears overblown. May need to do some cognitive excercises to try and reign in the anxiety. Once I told him I wanted to remain on the adhd meds he was willing to work with me(after questioning the whys, "What are the benefits you're seeing?"). There is one dosage lower, so we lowered it, if that doesn't work another medication will be added to this mess.

I also bought a mouthguard I use when the jaw-clenching and teeth-grinding (or hair-chewing, finger chewing, shirt-chewing...) acts up. I will say it feels like a kick in the teeth that adding one medication would throw me so far back in the anxiety department, and not only bring back old tics, but gives me a few new ones for good measure. I knew there was a risk, but didn't expect this.

There is a back-up if this lower doseage doesn't work, that isn't just "drop the meds", I am grateful for that.

We've finally started medically treating the adhd, Strattera. Nothing huge, but it's helped me how crippling my mental what-its have been. I've been able to work on art daily. I'm not doing full blown illustrations with consistency yet, but I do believe I can post consistently.

My question, would you guys prefer these "scribbles" posted in dumps or sketch pages or individually?
I think sketch dumps/pages would be easier to stay on top of, plan a day to scan and just orgnaize it. As more complete pieces, or pieces I'm looking for critique or feedback on will be posted individually though.



Rambling about Menta Health
Honestly, my psychiatrist isn't sure if the adhd diagnosis I got as a kid was a misdiagnosis or not. Apparently severe adhd and severe anxiety can look very similar. That's a big part of why we went the non-stimulant route. It'd either help or wouldn't. Stimulants have too much risk of undoing the work we've done with the anxiety.

One day, I sat down and I just...drew. It was amazing! My biggest issues (with just about everything) is:
1- I have to do things in spurts, my focus was in spans of about 10 minutes then my brain would scream for something else. Not boredom, but I "Okay we did this, now let's go do that." I would try and force it but it'd just end with me fidgeting and angry because for reason I didn't understand I just physically couldn't. I needed to do something else.
If I can't finish in that span, it isn't happening, or wouldn't, I suppose.

2- Everything has/had a thought, and it was exhausting. I wouldn't think "I want to draw a cat" and draw a cat. I'd think "I want to draw a cat" and every part of the process would play out in my mind and it was just so exhausting, guys. This was with anything, from showering to chores. Everything felt like so much. It still happens but man, I don't know if it's a specific med or the the combination but it's shut those thoughts down. Things come at a slower, reasonable rate. It's easier to organize my thoughts and routine structures, I can function.

I describe my thought process to my docs/mental health workers and such as a scene from those old rubber hose cartoons. Where the mother will call out to her children, and, suddenly, the screen is full of nothing but moving children and it's damn near impossible to focus on just one(or even focus on the scene at times),or if you do manage to keep tabs on one another catches your eye and dang, you lost track of the first kid, just gone. Sometimes it's connected, sometimes it's not.

It's hell and I am so, so grateful that things have slowed. I hope to keep improving, I have several more goals to hit yet! I'm happy to be able to focus and indulge in hobbies again
Mental Health done

Andy got a new job, it was all very sudden. He applied, didn't hear back for two months and bam! Interview, 2 days later he has the job.He went from nights to days.
It feels like everything's been turned on a dime and I am struggling deeply to adjust. Feels like I took several steps back in terms of progress. Suddenly getting to my appointments is a struggle. It's led to a lot of internal conflict because the fixes seem obvious but taking those steps feel almost paralyzing. Have to handle it in small steps but feeling like I should deal with it faster.

Another frustration was forward with the psych about a concern, got a bunch of half answers and pussyfooting. Ended up so flustered I forgot to talk about switching. Therapist and I had discussed a segue for this kind of case and I just spaced it completely.

I did get my first set of professional grade gouache paint, dang does quality make all the difference with gouache! Okay, it makes a difference with any medium, but I found cheap gouache doesn't give as nice tactile feedback. It feels like I might as well just be using watercolor, which is why I barely bothered with it for so long. The texture and lay down so far is so much nicer! I've yet to do anything proper with it yet, but there's a little motivation there.

If I could just find the energy. Apparently that energy and motivation are among the last things to return when it comes to this muck. Mixed feelings on that, it's good it should return and I can properly indulge in hobbies...at some point. It's not there yet though and I'm constantly in a battle with myself between the want to indulge in hobbies but not finding worth in it.
"It's just gonna be another thing in the half-done pile, never to be completed"
I have dedicated an old, cheap sketchbook to thumbnailing. While it's not consistent I am getting the ideas down and playing with compositions and color a little bit.

Not often nor consistently, but I'm trying. I think right now finding some consistency would be my best bet. Don't have to do it often, just gotta do it consistently.

I am slowly learning and accepting consistency is a big player in all this for me. It's, so far, proving more important than frequency. Still struggling with it though, feeling like frequency is more important.
Conflate it with reliability, I think.

If you've made it this far, thank you. I do appreciate having this extra space to get things out. It helps me clear my head a little. Perhaps I'll go back to a consistent journalling on here...and in real life. Need to find a good rate to pick up the gratitude journal at too, weekly, maybe?
Daily just led to a lot of routine? Habits? The sincerity disappeared and with it the point of the exercise.

The Prozac is hitting it's point where it should at it's best. I don't know if it's doing for the depression but it's doing wonders for the anxiety!

It's a bit of a double-edged sword. I developed what I thought was apathy. After some talking with the therapist turns out it's less apathy and more the absence of anxiety. It weird because so much of what I did was driven by fear. It's something I carried for a long time. It's good, of course, to not feel like I'm one step away from everything falling apart.

Downside? I'm like Zuko when he joined up with Aang. Rather than anger it's fear. I don't know how to get myself to do stuff with fear telling me if I don't do x everything will collapse. Andy will leave, you'll end up on the streets with nowhere to turn. Might as well just skip to the end...or do x. Whichever is easier.
Still struggling with low energy which doesn't help.

We're working on it in therapy. Found one that doesn't work but that just means identify why it happens while working on the next step. She suggested turning it from "I have to do this" to "I want to do this" there's a smarmy inner voice that goes "No, you don't" It's enough to justify not doing it.

This voice frequently comes up with art. But we're dissecting it and will combat it. We're also talking bout my art. I'm in an awkward transitional phase of my life and I don't know where I want my art to go.

Do you guys remember your "Toony or realistic" phase? Where you didn't know where you want your style to go? It's akin to that, torn between texture and playing with color some or keeping it as I do, trying to keep shading as smooth as my skills allowed. Perhaps forgoing harsh shapes altogether but trying to keep pushing contrast.
She, my therapist, has suggested studying art history. I must admit I'm wary of putting myself in any sort of academic setting, at least for now. I am certainly not in a place to handle it without a teacher or mentor.
We're also working on why I rush through my pieces and as a result end up making sloppy mistakes and finding the piece sub-par. Don't thumbnail, rarely reference, don't plan colors like I want to and should. Just jump in sketch, transfer to proper paper, and rush through coloring as quickly as I can, lest I lose interest and it ends up in the half done pile.

I hope we can treat the adhd come my next psych visit(perhaps that'd help with the rushing?). And I want to be tested for a few things, runs in the family, wanna play it safe.

Right now though, for the first time in a long time I feel good. I'm not where I want to be but for the first time in years I feel like I'm taking true strides forward.

Oh man,things have been interesting.

I got real and proper insurance. Thus began the search for a doctor that specializes behavioral issues and trying to find a psychiatrist and start looking into neurologists for other unrelated things. Keeping my psychotherapist because I feel she's done a ton for me these past 8 month or so.

After a couple of months of just not hearing back we finally got an appointment with a doctor, awesome! I get there, tell her I'm looking to treat my ADHD and be tested for anxiety and depression. We didn't even get to the anxiety or ADHD. She started talking to me about depression, what kind of thoughts I had and such. It led to her becoming completely and utterly convinced I'm a danger to myself. Either my husband needed to take me to the ER and get me admitted or sign a waiver.

So I ended up in the VHS ward for 24 hours. I want to be clear I have never attempted anything. Simply have some dark thoughts. It was quickly realized I am not suicidal, the psychologist told me that talking about those dark thoughts would get me detained though so keep hush hush unless I'm actively considering hurting myself. However, I definitely need to see a psychiatrist

Ended up staying overnight so I could see the in-patient psychiatrist, she figured that'd be the quickest route.

It was all very draining and traumatic. I get the fun of trying to find another doctor.

It was a blessing in disguise though. I got some diagnosis so I'm finally treating some of my issues that weren't diagnosed before, and thanks to the hospitals social services I was able to get into an out-patient psychiatrist in full and proper much quicker than I would have on my own. I might switch psychiatrists but the foots already in the door.
Downside, everyone still sees me as a threat to myself despite the worst I've ever done is bite myself. It's not a nice feeling.

We're not treating the ADHD, which is understandable but something that's been high on my priority list for awhile. My thought process being if I could focus and get stuff done that'd help my depression a ton. They don't want to throw a stimulant on my anxiety, and my anxiety is what concerns them the most. Which is fair, still a little disappointed that my plan didn't happen though. Especially because stimulants kick in quickly rather than the several weeks anti-depressants take to fully kick in.

So the goal is to get that to a stable point with the depression and anxiety, especially the anxiety and then we can work on the ADHD according to them. For the first time in years I finally feel like I'm making real strides forward though.

Over the years my hobbies have slowly fallen to the wayside as my mental health declined, art being among them. I'm really hopeful that as this journey continues I'll be able to pick it back up in full. I've been wanting to get my art out there again. To do art consistently, finish things and post it consistently as well. Prove to myself that, yes, I can still do this, I just need a little help getting back on my feet.
I'm hopeful this is the start of it.

I deleted my old journals to have a clean slate. I'm still planning on making another "Goals and how I'm doing" tracker journal though.