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Update
Posted a year agoI wanted to give an update to anyone who has not heard from me in some time, and apologize for the silence. There's a lot that's been going on, and a lot of *nothing* going on as well.
First and foremost, I have begun a process in getting recognition and benefits for Disability. The initial application was denied, as expected, so I have been working with a law firm for the past several months in getting the ball rolling on an appeal. We finally have the application for Appeal in, and are waiting on confirmation for that, along with a date for the Hearing that will have to come up next. I have homework to do along that, evidence I need to work on to support my claim, that I've admittedly been very much struggling to do for the past several months, because of how I cope with stress.
Namely, my coping mechanism for stress is to zone out. And I zone out in multiple ways; mind numbing games, hyperfixations, smut, and youtube. Sometimes combinations of the bunch. I entertain myself with ideas and imagination, in D&D and in alone time.
This isn't always a problem unless I'm stressed a lot, and *boy* have I been super stressed for the past several months. That marathon I did? Last thing I've done with writing. Since then, money has been tight, so stress has been elevated; I've lost all of those months to zoning out. It's almost been an entire year of *nothing* happening productivity wise. Which, with my dumb MDD, only adds to the stress, perpetuating the mess and cocophony of self deprication, and leading to even more zoning out. My projects, 4 of them now, have been sitting and gathering dust because I've had this unhealthy coping mechanism take up my entire life for so long. And, well, now isn't any different.
But here's some good news. Today, and Yesterday, I have been feeling an upswing. My mood is a bit more stable, my stress is a bit lower, and my habit of zoning out is a bit more under control for the short moment of reprieve I have. So I'm writing this journal. I want to say thank you to all of the people who support me, and are patiently waiting for me to get back to those projects. You all mean the world to me.
I've half a mind to do something in July as an anniversary to my first, successful, Choose Your Own Adventure story. It will be a fundraiser of some type, possibly a growth drive? I'm still rattling around ideas, but a certain someone has been encouraging me to keep going and keep perservering on my work and self care. So there WILL be something, I promise you that.
I will be doing what I can to get back to working on those projects. I want to get at least two of them finished before July. And I know you all will enjoy them. One of them, probably my toughest, yet most gratifying. A short story in a fantasy setting with worldbuilding that I'm quite proud of. The second, a gift to myself and a certain dork that has been patiently waiting for their floofy bed~
In the meantime, if you have suggestions for what I do in July, feel free to drop a comment, or send me private messages! I love chatting and won't say no to some extra ideas, no matter what gets used or not.
Love you all
Max
First and foremost, I have begun a process in getting recognition and benefits for Disability. The initial application was denied, as expected, so I have been working with a law firm for the past several months in getting the ball rolling on an appeal. We finally have the application for Appeal in, and are waiting on confirmation for that, along with a date for the Hearing that will have to come up next. I have homework to do along that, evidence I need to work on to support my claim, that I've admittedly been very much struggling to do for the past several months, because of how I cope with stress.
Namely, my coping mechanism for stress is to zone out. And I zone out in multiple ways; mind numbing games, hyperfixations, smut, and youtube. Sometimes combinations of the bunch. I entertain myself with ideas and imagination, in D&D and in alone time.
This isn't always a problem unless I'm stressed a lot, and *boy* have I been super stressed for the past several months. That marathon I did? Last thing I've done with writing. Since then, money has been tight, so stress has been elevated; I've lost all of those months to zoning out. It's almost been an entire year of *nothing* happening productivity wise. Which, with my dumb MDD, only adds to the stress, perpetuating the mess and cocophony of self deprication, and leading to even more zoning out. My projects, 4 of them now, have been sitting and gathering dust because I've had this unhealthy coping mechanism take up my entire life for so long. And, well, now isn't any different.
But here's some good news. Today, and Yesterday, I have been feeling an upswing. My mood is a bit more stable, my stress is a bit lower, and my habit of zoning out is a bit more under control for the short moment of reprieve I have. So I'm writing this journal. I want to say thank you to all of the people who support me, and are patiently waiting for me to get back to those projects. You all mean the world to me.
I've half a mind to do something in July as an anniversary to my first, successful, Choose Your Own Adventure story. It will be a fundraiser of some type, possibly a growth drive? I'm still rattling around ideas, but a certain someone has been encouraging me to keep going and keep perservering on my work and self care. So there WILL be something, I promise you that.
I will be doing what I can to get back to working on those projects. I want to get at least two of them finished before July. And I know you all will enjoy them. One of them, probably my toughest, yet most gratifying. A short story in a fantasy setting with worldbuilding that I'm quite proud of. The second, a gift to myself and a certain dork that has been patiently waiting for their floofy bed~
In the meantime, if you have suggestions for what I do in July, feel free to drop a comment, or send me private messages! I love chatting and won't say no to some extra ideas, no matter what gets used or not.
Love you all
Max
Marathon
Posted 2 years agoI COMPLETELY FORGOT TO POST HERE TOO!! AAAAAAAA
I will be doing a marathon tomorrow, 9/10/2023 at 8a.m. CDT where I take various short, casual comms to help alleviate some of my financial situation.
Rules are as follows: I will begin in the morning, opening up. You, if you would like, will send me a private message on whatever platform you find me (Discord is fastest, FA is slowest). Then, I reply if/when I can get to you next! We talk briefly about what you'd like for a 500+ word commission, and then it's Pay What You Want! (Minimum of 10$ please)
And then when pay goes through, I get right to work on it, and deliver it in 30 minutes or less. I have made two example pieces to showcase what you can expect (like this one: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/53615355/ )
Here's a short list of my limitations:
Yes:
Sizeplay
Growth
Macro/micro
Fantasy
Silly nonsense
Silly somesense
Silly makecents
Maybe:
Hardcore NSFW (sex stuff)
Hardcore Kink (BDSM, consensual NonCon, anything similar; Leans closer to No)
Vore
Destruction (Leans closer to Yes)
Heavy Plot (depression, existentialism, nihilism) (Don’t expect a yes on this one)
Weight gain (heavy-set or ‘very curvy’ characters are okay, but I get slightly uncomfortable with outright obesity and just rolls of immobility-causing fat.)
No:
Bad End (Anything involving death)
Potty stuff
Gore (A little blood is a big maybe, but I don’t do viscera or anything like that)
Cruelty (See Hardcore Kink for possible exceptions)
True non-consent
UNDERAGE CHARACTERS (sfw non-kink stories notwithstanding, I will not do underage content in kink scenarios, ever, so don’t even bother)
Don’t see something? Ask!
I am not ready to open back up for full, official comms yet, so I felt this was a good compromise. I can do quick little stories, and get a little financial help in the short term, and it doesn't get in the way of the writing I'm currently working on! (1/3rd of the way done with that, btw!)
This is only a one day thing. If it goes well, I may do more like this in the future! So if you feel like getting a short, quick story from me, this is your chance!
I will be doing a marathon tomorrow, 9/10/2023 at 8a.m. CDT where I take various short, casual comms to help alleviate some of my financial situation.
Rules are as follows: I will begin in the morning, opening up. You, if you would like, will send me a private message on whatever platform you find me (Discord is fastest, FA is slowest). Then, I reply if/when I can get to you next! We talk briefly about what you'd like for a 500+ word commission, and then it's Pay What You Want! (Minimum of 10$ please)
And then when pay goes through, I get right to work on it, and deliver it in 30 minutes or less. I have made two example pieces to showcase what you can expect (like this one: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/53615355/ )
Here's a short list of my limitations:
Yes:
Sizeplay
Growth
Macro/micro
Fantasy
Silly nonsense
Silly somesense
Silly makecents
Maybe:
Hardcore NSFW (sex stuff)
Hardcore Kink (BDSM, consensual NonCon, anything similar; Leans closer to No)
Vore
Destruction (Leans closer to Yes)
Heavy Plot (depression, existentialism, nihilism) (Don’t expect a yes on this one)
Weight gain (heavy-set or ‘very curvy’ characters are okay, but I get slightly uncomfortable with outright obesity and just rolls of immobility-causing fat.)
No:
Bad End (Anything involving death)
Potty stuff
Gore (A little blood is a big maybe, but I don’t do viscera or anything like that)
Cruelty (See Hardcore Kink for possible exceptions)
True non-consent
UNDERAGE CHARACTERS (sfw non-kink stories notwithstanding, I will not do underage content in kink scenarios, ever, so don’t even bother)
Don’t see something? Ask!
I am not ready to open back up for full, official comms yet, so I felt this was a good compromise. I can do quick little stories, and get a little financial help in the short term, and it doesn't get in the way of the writing I'm currently working on! (1/3rd of the way done with that, btw!)
This is only a one day thing. If it goes well, I may do more like this in the future! So if you feel like getting a short, quick story from me, this is your chance!
Personal Progress
Posted 2 years agoHey all, feel like I should give another update.
I'm doing better. Slowly, but surely, I'm finding a rhythm that works for me. I've taken a rather big step, and a bold ambition, in creating and maintaining a Choose Your Own Adventure style story on twitter! (I have half a mind to do so on Mastodon and Cohost too, but I haven't figured out those platforms very well yet, let alone how to do voting polls to keep the 'choose' part of the CYOA going.)
This project has lit a fire under my ass, so to speak. It's getting me into a pattern of "11 o'clock, do some writing, call it good and post in the morning". Its been really helpful, both in keeping myself on task, and in giving a genuinely fun story to, admittedly, what little audience can see it on the dying platform.
If you guys see this, firstly I wanna apologize for being not great at checking the many journals that I have notifications for here (not to mention submissions... holy wow geez there's 1424S up there next to my name and it frightens me). Secondly, please check my twitter for the ongoing CYOA story! The more interaction it gets, the better! Those polls need more votes to keep things seeming fair, and it's just nice for me to see people looking at it.
Here is the poll that just ended tonight, for the 5th part to the story! I will be doing a part every day for all of July, short as they may be, so come check often! (User beware, though, this and my twitter account are nsfw friendly spaces, and I do not shy away from retweeting some lewd, sizey stuff.) https://vxtwitter.com/MaxMann154302.....300147713?s=20
I hope you guys can enjoy the story as much as I have in writing it! This was just the motivation I needed to actually get back to things that have been weighing on me for... well, too long. And once THOSE things are sorted, I will consider finally reopening for commissions. Please stay tuned until then!
Sincerely,
Allexander (aka Felix aka Max)
I'm doing better. Slowly, but surely, I'm finding a rhythm that works for me. I've taken a rather big step, and a bold ambition, in creating and maintaining a Choose Your Own Adventure style story on twitter! (I have half a mind to do so on Mastodon and Cohost too, but I haven't figured out those platforms very well yet, let alone how to do voting polls to keep the 'choose' part of the CYOA going.)
This project has lit a fire under my ass, so to speak. It's getting me into a pattern of "11 o'clock, do some writing, call it good and post in the morning". Its been really helpful, both in keeping myself on task, and in giving a genuinely fun story to, admittedly, what little audience can see it on the dying platform.
If you guys see this, firstly I wanna apologize for being not great at checking the many journals that I have notifications for here (not to mention submissions... holy wow geez there's 1424S up there next to my name and it frightens me). Secondly, please check my twitter for the ongoing CYOA story! The more interaction it gets, the better! Those polls need more votes to keep things seeming fair, and it's just nice for me to see people looking at it.
Here is the poll that just ended tonight, for the 5th part to the story! I will be doing a part every day for all of July, short as they may be, so come check often! (User beware, though, this and my twitter account are nsfw friendly spaces, and I do not shy away from retweeting some lewd, sizey stuff.) https://vxtwitter.com/MaxMann154302.....300147713?s=20
I hope you guys can enjoy the story as much as I have in writing it! This was just the motivation I needed to actually get back to things that have been weighing on me for... well, too long. And once THOSE things are sorted, I will consider finally reopening for commissions. Please stay tuned until then!
Sincerely,
Allexander (aka Felix aka Max)
An update on me
Posted 2 years agoI don't know who will see this, but I needed to come clean and explain where I've been, what I've been struggling with.
I'm new to socializing with other furries. New to being open. New to writing comms.
I'm new to a lot of things these past couple of years. Least of all meeting people I can even call friends in this community. There have been a lot of ups that I could never have expected.
But there have also been downs.
Around my birthday last year, I opened up for writing comms for the first time. The first to take it up was a friendly-enough fellow. When they suggested the story, they wanted it like other stories they'd gotten. The theme of it felt a bit out of my comfort zone, but I wanted to try. So for a month, closing on 2 months, I worked on figuring out the 5k words to make this work in a way I was comfortable with it. I have a bit of a procrastination problem sometimes, but the days spent were still strong and productive. I'd felt really good about the work put in.
When I showed the rough draft to the client, it was rejected. And the two months it took to get, made them think it would take 2 more months to change, so they backed out.
I failed.
I was pretty crestfallen. I let my second client know I was going to be a bit slow on theirs (I had picked up a second comm during work on the first), and... I kind of vanished. I gave the second client a quick 1k gift as apology around christmas, and they've been so patient with me and said they still wanted the comm. But I've been paralyzed for so long... I barely have the story started, just 300 words so far after nearly 6 months.
Just going back to try and work on it makes my heart sink. "I'm just going to fail again." "They've waited so long, how can I face them?" "I'm not any good at this, I should just give up."
I'm plagued by doubt and remorse. I feel so guilty for taking so long, and feel absolutely useless.
I've been talking with newer friends and other cool folks, thinking about opening emergency comms to help with the cost of a big dental expense. But I'm still struck with fear. I don't know if I can do it. Am I even going to write anything worthwhile again?
I am posting this to hopefully give some clarity on my situation. I'm still not any better. I don't know if I ever will be. I'm sorry. But... thank you so much for being patient with me. And to the person who is still waiting on a comm from me... I hope you can forgive me for taking so long.
Max, aka Allex
I'm new to socializing with other furries. New to being open. New to writing comms.
I'm new to a lot of things these past couple of years. Least of all meeting people I can even call friends in this community. There have been a lot of ups that I could never have expected.
But there have also been downs.
Around my birthday last year, I opened up for writing comms for the first time. The first to take it up was a friendly-enough fellow. When they suggested the story, they wanted it like other stories they'd gotten. The theme of it felt a bit out of my comfort zone, but I wanted to try. So for a month, closing on 2 months, I worked on figuring out the 5k words to make this work in a way I was comfortable with it. I have a bit of a procrastination problem sometimes, but the days spent were still strong and productive. I'd felt really good about the work put in.
When I showed the rough draft to the client, it was rejected. And the two months it took to get, made them think it would take 2 more months to change, so they backed out.
I failed.
I was pretty crestfallen. I let my second client know I was going to be a bit slow on theirs (I had picked up a second comm during work on the first), and... I kind of vanished. I gave the second client a quick 1k gift as apology around christmas, and they've been so patient with me and said they still wanted the comm. But I've been paralyzed for so long... I barely have the story started, just 300 words so far after nearly 6 months.
Just going back to try and work on it makes my heart sink. "I'm just going to fail again." "They've waited so long, how can I face them?" "I'm not any good at this, I should just give up."
I'm plagued by doubt and remorse. I feel so guilty for taking so long, and feel absolutely useless.
I've been talking with newer friends and other cool folks, thinking about opening emergency comms to help with the cost of a big dental expense. But I'm still struck with fear. I don't know if I can do it. Am I even going to write anything worthwhile again?
I am posting this to hopefully give some clarity on my situation. I'm still not any better. I don't know if I ever will be. I'm sorry. But... thank you so much for being patient with me. And to the person who is still waiting on a comm from me... I hope you can forgive me for taking so long.
Max, aka Allex
