♥ To every guy that said, "Sex can wait"...
♥ To every guy that said, "You're beautiful"...
♥ To every guy that was never too busy to drive across town to see her...
♥ To every guy that gives her flowers and a card when she is sick or down...
♥ To every guy who has given her flowers just because that's how he rolls...
♥ To every guy that said he would die for her...
♥ To every guy that really would...
♥ To every guy that did what she wanted to die for...
♥ To every guy that cried in front of her...
♥ To every guy that she cried in front of...
♥ To every guy that holds hands with her.
♥ To every guy that kisses her with meaning..
♥ To every guy that hugs her when she's sad...
♥ To every guy that hugs her for no reason at all...
♥ To every guy who would give their jacket up for her...
♥ To every guy that calls to make sure she got home safe...
♥ To every guy that would sit and wait for her for hours just to see her for ten minutes...
♥ To every guy that would give his seat up...
♥ To every guy that just wants to cuddle...
♥ To every guy that reassured her that she was beautiful no matter what...
♥ To every guy who told his secrets to her...
♥ To every guy that showed how much he cared through every word and every breath...
♥ To every guy that thought maybe this could be the one...
♥ To every guy that believed in her dreams...
♥ To every guy that would have done anything so she could achieve them...
♥ To every guy that never laughed at her when she told him her dreams...
♥ To every guy that walked her to her car and opened the door...
♥ To every guy that gave his heart...
♥ To every guy who prays that she is happy even if he's not with her...

Not many girls appreciate nice guys anymore. And because of this, there are not many left out there. I guarantee 90% of the men on your page will not repost this because they care more about their image.

- If you are a nice guy, repost this in your journal with the title: "Nice guys STILL finish last";

- If you are a girl that thinks every guy should treat a girl this way, repost this in your journal with the title: "To Every Guy".

I do not really know why I am writing this journal thing at all or what I am trying to say. Most of this is just some random thing, due to the fact that my thoughts aren't working right. I am for some reason unable to form any type of intelligent thought and have been unable to for the past week or so.

Of all the things that hurt right now, it is the loss of my intelligence that is most terrifying. I have always been alone, never had friends, have a family that seemed to regret who and what I was even when I was a little boy.

I love to talk to and play with momma more then anything. The times that I am interacting with him (momma) I am so very happy and I feel as if I was the happy little boy (or in our case, a little toddler colt) that I was supposed to be, but was not permitted to be, due to me being so wrong and bad.

Also I loved taliking and playing with many others on Skype, but the longer I do it the more repetitive it gets. I know I am boring, I keep saying or doing the same things (in role play) repeatedly over and over and over again. I sit and read the AB, pony or role plays others do and I am amazed at what they can come up with. At the same time i am very saddened that I am unable to come even anywhere close to being in the same universe as they are when they play with each other.

As I sit and read what others write in role plays i have three voices in my head speaking to me (I am not schizophrenic, all three are my voice just as like different ages and self created personalities.)

The first sees the writing and says "You have to try harder, become better, do as well as they do you stupid idiot! (nice how the part that tries to help insults me, huh.)

The second says "Just give up, you will never be as good as them. Just sit and watch them be great at it and observe how pathetic you are at yet another thing you fail to try to do."

The third one says "Just do all of them a favor and leave them alone, ignore what they do and be what you are good at and do the only thing you are not a total failure at...being alone."

Perhaps that is the reason I am more and more being ignored, overlooked and they generally act as if i am not even there to begin with. Because I am such crap at playing, that I suck so much, when compared to the others they play with I am less then nothing, useless and incompetant.

I have always been very sad, even though I have been quite good at hiding that sadness behind a mask of happiness at whatever I was doing at the time (video games, writing, reading, doing math, making pony videos, posting them on YouTube and trying to draw art.)

I do know that there are some who like or even love me and I am grateful for that and them, what they do or try to do with and for me. If someones sees something about them self it doesn't matter how much someone says something to counter that self belief, what that individual believes to be true, remains true. It is like the

-I am very sorry if the example below I will use hurts or offends anyone, that is not my intent or desire at all in any way, shape or form. I know those who have the issue or issues I will use are very sick and they need help, but it is the only one I can think of right now.-

Lets say there is this girl or boy who believes themselves to be fat, ugly, stupid useless or something else and every time they look in a mirror, instead of seeing a beautiful young lady or handsome young gentleman, they see someone who is disgusting to all those around them or those who they wish to impress for whatever reason. So they start to not eat, make themselves vomit to not gain weight, mutilate themselves in an attempt to "fix" what they see is wrong physically or even do very drastic things to correct the mistake that they see him or her self as (hurtingor even trying to end their life.) Even though their parents, siblings, friends, and peers constantly tell them they are perfect, beautiful, special and wonderful, nothing that is said can convince them that their belief is false.


I mean what is the point, why am i writing this? For some words of temporary kindness from someone, for the slim chance of compassion, for the purpose of even for a moment making one of you out there look at me instead of acting as if I am nothing more then a temporary blight on your otherwise splendid day, for maybe, just maybe the purpose of screaming out to someone "LOOK AT ME", for the momentary notice of anyone out there who would in all normal circumstances not even see me or notice that I even exist at all?

It has been said in the past that "the most damaging and deadly enemy one can have is the friend who is a deceiver and never truly cared to begin with."

I have no answer to my own question, maybe there is no answer at all.

The 5 songs I use to make my self feel better or even worse when I am sad are (they go from worst feels to best. -Please listen to the 5 I put up and maybe put up your 5 songs, with links if possible and why these songs make you feel that way.-

1. Heart Moving https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=65vu8HenkQw

It is just the music and lyrics that force upon me a sad feeling, I am not sure why though.

2. Saying Goodbye https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNfHU748SYQ

This one is probably the worst, it is what I would call my suicide song, the one I would listen to as i am doing whatever it is I was doing to end the pain, as they say.

3. Realeza https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAAsqVuOF3g

This is another where I just do not understand why it makes me feel so sad, but it does.

4. A stray child https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O2La7UHRoR0

This song reminds me of my childhood, always alone emotionally... a stray child.

5. In the land of twilight, under the moon https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-9lKKvMwAE

In this song it the lyrics

"now you are watchin' us outside the circle
wanna be in the company
boy, but you are lonely
dance with nobody
run away child, to your hiding place"

Those words are more or less the story of what has been the case every time I have tried to join in with others in their endeavors, conversations or activities. I get rebuffed and then i run away to my hiding place, which is a land of total darkness, silence and no hope of anything, but solitude...forever.

At work last night/this morning (around 5 am EST) this happened to me.

i went outside to stand in the colds and be alones for 15 minutes, there was a stallion standing by the coke/pepsi machines and he asked me something, I didn hear him clearly so i troted over to him and asked what he said. he said that he asked me "if I like the gay stuff?"
I said "yea, ima gay" ( as it turns out i misunderstood what he asked.)

He then asked "how big i am?"

I thought that is a weird question and then replied that "I am normal size i guess."

He spoke softly and i had to get closer to hear him, when I was standing next to him he grabbed me and started to touch, I was very shocked and frozen when he did that, in my not reacting I guess he took it as a approval and he unzipped my pants and put his hand inside my pants and started to rub.

I got very worried and started to get scared, not only that it was happening, but also what would happen if somepony in management would come out and see the scene or if he was a set up by somepony to try to get me in trouble, like after he touched he would go into store and tell somepony i made him touch me.

I pulled away and zipped up my pants and walked back a few steps and just looked at him. He turned around and and me if i thought he had a nice bottom?

I said it was okay and then he pulled me back by the soda machines and put his pulled down a little pants against my front and then tried to reach around and unzip me again as he said "put it in my plot" (he used a different bad word)

I got very worried and quickly trotted far away to think. I came back to the area a few minutes laters and he was gone.

i was frozens when he was touching, torn between the pleasure, the shock and the fear of it being seen

I won't reveal who it was and why i said these things to them, but what I said was true and it is how I feels and why I am getting so lost and starting to hide from life (all the real things that are good and all the bad things that i imagine.)

START OF EXCERPT

never be sorry that you opened up to me. I feel verys happies and honored that you did wif me. Ima very sowwy that i do not speak more and that is most likely my biggest issue, some sort of self fulfilling prophesy. The one where I say to my self "i am alone and i always will be" and then no matter how close I might get to somepony I just stop talking. not because i want to, in fact it is very much the opposite, but the closer I get to someone in any form, the more I shy away and avoid any possibility that i might say or do something stupid that would at least in my mind make that person hate me quicker, because he or she will someday, everyone eventually does, so why bother with trying to speak.

I growing up never had friends (I am not kidding, it wasn't until I was 34 (I am 36 now and will be 37 on Jan 26) that i had the first thing i could call a friend.) I as a child never learned how to talk to people, how to interact, how to relate, how to socialize with others who are either my peers (age range) or those who share a similar interest with me, you know those things that bring people together to start interacting, that eventually develops into a friendship or more serious (sometimes.) I was always alone, kept to myself and had my muzzle in books and stuff, it may have been that kids tried to interact with me idk, but if they did i pushed them away and did things that made them dislike and tease me (acted weird etc etc, and with children, it is the ones who stand out apart from the crowd that are the most picked on and teased.) Again I figured, assumed or thought as a young boy (elementary aged) that they hate me, they don't like me, they never have and never will, so i might as well give them a good reason for their dislike. Home life was horrible, if I wasn't being punched by my drunk step father, I was being ridiculed, teased, and made fun of my others in my family.

I am very sorries that your health is bads and i would gladly and without a first hesitant thought give up my health in the hope that my sacrifice would help you get better and live a long and happy life (I sadly know that it doesn't work that way in 99% of cases. There are situations where what i have would help you or another, such as heart, lungs, kidney, liver etc etc and in those cases, i would 110% willingly give up living that someone like you would be able to live the life I never was able or was allowed to

END OF EXCERPT

Most others are making out some sort of list of all the things they want from others that cost money for free, so i figured i would put up my list. It is simple, one item and the only thing i would want that i have any prayer of getting. So without any further ado....

MY LIST OF XMAS WANTS

1.Solitude

END OF LIST

Old friends who I thought abandoned me long ago.

I took this online test created by John W. Beiter, Ph.D.

Here are my results and i must say that they are 99% accurate and fair about who i am .

Partner orientation Submissive: You indicated that you are most comfortable with being the submissive partner, which typically means you are waiting for your partner to initiate sexual activity with you to confirm their desire for you.

Arousal method Touch: You indicated that you are usually aroused through being touched by your partner.

Pleasure Emotional: You indicated that you more often experience your sexual pleasure through your emotional feelings.

Sexual encounters Adventuresome: You indicated that you feel most comfortable in your sexual encounters where there are experiences of variety and creativity.

Sensitive, sensual and kind. Enjoys the present moment and prefers not to rush pleasure, achieving orgasm within their own time frame. Loyal and committed to their sexual partner. Not likely to introduce new ideas but is receptive to them and adopts a willingness to try anything at least once.

Here is the link to the test if you wish to take it yourself *giggle*

http://www.bspitest.com/tests.html

The meaning of the title is an extension of what some have said to me both publicly and privately, but then they act differently or at least different from what their words would suggested they would be like IRL and what I experienced at GEMMACON from Monday, September 29-October 2nd, 2014

Before getting to the events that took place in Atlanta, GA, i must first state what I believe and explain why I believe that if not some of the community are hypocrites, then they act as such, even if they are not truly hypocritical.

There are many examples I could use to explain my position, in fact too many, so I will choose one of the least inflammatory ones I can think of at this time.

let's say there is a man, woman or teen who is LGBT, the fact that they are who and what they are is no ones business but their own and no one has the right or position to "out" them publicly. If that person should choose to use flamboyant mannerisms or should happen to speak in a high tone voice in a public setting, even when they are with others, that is their choice and those in the same group have no position to request or order them to "stop the action" due to any possible discomfort those actions may cause one or more in the group.

Yes, that LGBT individual would probably most likely try to limit, control or cancel outright his or her actions to make those he is with, likes or cares for be happy, after all he is out with them because he likes them and he or she would not want to cause them any form of displeasure.

The perceived hypocrisy comes when one or more of those who asked that LGBT individual to not publicly do whatever to show that he is how he is (not that there is anything wrong with that at all) goes ahead and for example publishes a picture of themselves (on the internet, where far, far, far, far more then a small group of possible IRL onlookers will potently see said picture and simply download it, then take the pic and post it to some sort of social media site (Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, Reddit or any others out there.) with either a humorous joke, a innocent remark or something that either might be seen as hurtful or would clearly be known to be a personal attack upon the person shown in the picture.

In doing so that individual did exactly what the LGBT person was doing IRL, but was asked to stop, isn't that the very definition of hypocrisy?

I bring all this up due to the great emotional distress I am still under
19 days after I left the meet-up in Atlanta, GA.

First of all, it was a disaster from the word go lol. After I arrived on a Greyhound bus in Atlanta at 10:30 pm, I sat in the station until 2:30 am, not knowing that there were trains overhead that would take me to the hotel I was to stay in. So I ended up sitting in the station until 5:30 am, when the trains started up again. In the process of that 7 hours i got conned twice and almost in an altercation with one of the residents of Atlanta over a quarter I had dropped on the ground (if there had not been a police officer across the street, I would have been hit and most likely robbed.)

I arrived at the hotel, went to the room and got a few hours sleep, woke up and went downstairs to wait for what would turn out to be one of the 4 bright points that took place during the meet event. The first of four happy things was I met the delightful, energetic, rambunctious, very happy, kind and wonderful  KennyKitsune

We talked as we went to the room and he gave me a gift, a shot glass from Texas as well as some really awesome and cool balloons. We went to eat at KFC and then back to the room to sleep, in preparation to meet (at least for me) for the first time ever  Toddlergirl

Kenny and I walked to this puppet museum place to wait for  Toddlergirl and her daddy to arrive, eventually they did and we all went inside. It was kinda cool, but it was a shame that none of the puppets of Frank Oz were shown, it was more of a tribute to Jim Henson and his contribution to the art of puppetry.

During the visit to the puppet place we went into a room and started to watch a few minute long video about puppets and in being alone with those three, I took out my paci and started to use it to comfort and relax me in that stressful situation. The movie ended and we walked out of the room.

I had forgotten that I had my paci in my mouth as i walked around (usually at home here in Richmond, KY I sometimes when I am out and about I use it to be happy and stuff. I was approached by one of us in the group and asked to not use it in public, due to the act of using it made this individual feel uneasy and uncomfortable. I was told it is alright to use it in private, but not in public. I know this persons reasoning and the reasons for them to feel as they did are valid and reasonable, but so was my right to use it and as an american citizen look like a fool to some if I should choose to, but to make this person happy and not ruin the trip for anyone else I choose to put my paci into my pocket and not bring it out again until I was back on the bus to Cincinnati, Ohio, in doing that, in bowing to the wishes of the group my heart was broken.

The group walked and talked as I walked behind everyone else alone, when we stopped to get some sort of lunch I kept walking off to be alone and to partake in another method of stress relief. I tried to join the group and be a part of the conversation and activity, but looking at them and having to hide who I truly was to not make anyone feel "uncomfy" caused me far too much pain, which forced me to repeated ly walk away to be alone.

After the lunch we went to the world of Coke museum, which was cool, except for Lime Coke EWWWWIEEEEE *giggle*. We learned that  babydrake would arrive and meet us there, He arrived as our visit to Coke museum was winding down and the group did their babyish greetings and such, -in public I might add, no one in the group was concerned with the few dozen people around in public then it seems.-

Later that night we all went to this pretty nice restaurant (by my standards at least) and we looked at the menus, all the food there was so expensive. I am not a military person, i am not in law enforcement, and i am not a famous and very talented artist, that can look at a $20 steak and not think that it is too expensive, I work at Wal-Mart, my general meal price range tops at 6 or 7 dollars at McDonalds.

The group started to talk with each other about the furry event that took place in Seattle, WA a week earlier, it seems that they all went and i didn't, i felt so out of place and alone. I was intimidated so, I walked outside to be alone and pace for a bit so i can gather the courage to go back in and maybe, just maybe become accepted by them. I sat at the table, looking into their eyes and at how they acted and I completely froze up, i couldn't move, speak, breath or blink. Momma (Sterling) told me when I spoke to him online that I most likely had a panic or anxiety attack from the stress of the situation I was in. Only Kenny showed any form of concern for me, he reached out his hand and took mine. I calmed a bit, but was more or less silent as I ate and just allowed them to enjoy their food.

Drake, Kenny and I went back to the room, those two cuddled as they fell asleep and I laid alone, as I buried my face into my pony plushie and softly cried myself to sleep.

-I will be combining the bar events into one event, they happened on back to back nights-

The next two days we as a group walked and did stuff and later that night we all went to a bar, the group ordered drinks and talked. Soon more of the people who came to go to the aquarium arrived and all of them seemed to be having a good time. I started to feel really out of place, so I went outside and the 2nd of 4 happy moments of the trip happened. I got into quite the engaged and deep conversation about comic book superheros and villains, video games and my love MLP:FIM with 5 and a 7 year old brothers and their grandmother. It is funny that I had more in common with two little children, then I did with those who I came to see and thought were just like me.

I enjoyed the time I spent talking to those youngsters, but later one of the group came outside and told me "Put your paci in your pocket. A couple people are being given a ride by someone who doesn't know anything about what we are into and no one wants to scare off the "normal" people. So once again I put it away and hid who I was to make the group happy.

As i stood outside, the "normal" person the group member referred to came outside and the two of us had an energetic conversation about the history of video games. cars and other things. We talked and I slowly became comfortable enough to reveal who I really was inside and it felt so good. This "normal" person was far more accepting and understanding then he was given credit for, as are most people if you only give them a chance and are open and honest about yourself, most out there will accept it, they might not like or approve, but they will accept it.

On the night prior to the aquarium visit we went to a place called "Varsity" to eat dinner. it was good and reasonably priced, but then I saw how the group was acting as they were sitting down -see title of journal-, some were playing and running around, some were making babyish faces and doing little play type things, some family units were playing in their headspace thing. I wonder why any one person wasn't made to feel uncomfy about those things being done in public, there were children around, parents, grandparents, employees, college students and many others seeing what they were doing. Why did no one in the group ask them to stop, were they not afraid of how some simple and narrow minded individuals might have thought about their babyplay?

My final night in Atlanta I was told by drake that the group had talked and that they had decided that it would be a bad idea if I were to attended the post-aquarium dinner event with the group. I was more or less told that I was not wanted there among those mature and civilized adults who would never act like anything, but their true age (yea right.) Once again I laid alone and cried to sleep.

The third and fourth happy things of trip took place at the aquarium itself, but before i get to that i should mention that after drake and I arrived at the aquarium, he spent his time on his phone and I spent my time just walking around as I played as my true self in my head. Soon the group arrived and talked for a bit. I went and tried to join them, but once again I saw -see title of journal- and i was hurt by it. I walked away for several minutes and sat alone and cried, no one came to see if i was alright, no one noticed i was gone and no one seemed to care either way, they all just went inside the aquarium as a happy group and left me behind.

I eventually came to my senses and went to join the group, I caught up to them and was still crying a little,  tavimunk stopped me and asked if I was alright, I shamefully pushed his hand and concern aside and for that i very humbly apoligise to you Tavi.

The 3rd happy thing happened at the aquarium and that was the AT&T Dolphin Tales show, it was so awesome and fun. It was really corny and silly, but the little one inside me absolutely loved it and for the first time since my time with Kenny I was happy and smiling inside and outside. After the show (I saw it twice) I had the 4th happy thing happen, I saw and bought a new friend and family member, a pink plushy penguin I named "Blip."

After the Aquarium was done I went alone back to the hotel to pack so that I could be on the Greyhound back home.

My question is, why were all of the group allowed to act act their true baby selves in public (playing with each other, doing baby talk, a few acting as an AB family would, and just having fun, but the one thing i tried to do was rejected not once, but twice, i was told not to be myself, to hide who and what I am just to make others feel happy, and that my friends is the textbook definition of the word -HYPOCRISY-

Over the past 2 weeks I have been shown by many on Skype and those who also attended GEMMACON (who it is positive that they are far wiser then I am) that what I do, love, what I am, who I am, the things that interest me and more or less every facet of my life that gave me happiness or joy is wrong.

It should not be discussed, practiced, shown in a public setting, due to the indisputable fact that if even one person might be offended by a belief, practice or action. I speak of my love of MLP: FIM, being AB, DL, ABDL, gay, an independent free thinker. Since even one person is offended by any one of those listed loves of mine they need to be secret, hidden and thought of in the same light as any other act a person might do that would bring harm, embarrassment or shame to another such as any illegal act.


If even one single person would have said "you know what, to heck with those people who don't approve of whatever, if doing X makes you happy, then do it however you want. I mean it is not like -ANY- of the things I am or love to do ever would have brought any actual substantial real world harm to another.

Alright, I surrender, you win. Everything I love to do and believe is shameful, so I will be hidden and speak and be seen no longer.

1.) For some ABDL is a fun thing to do from time to time.
2.) For some it is a fettish to get your kinks,
3.) For some it is an escape from the stresses of "real life"
4.) For others it is a lifestyle, a reality

Which are you or would you wish to be if circumstances permitted?
1, 2, 3 or 4

There is a new original Netflix series called "Bojack Horseman." The main character is a anthro horse *horse head, but human hands and body. In the opening credits/ theme song so far i Have seen a cat, bear, dog, pigeon, pig, bluebird, frog, female sheep, fox and I think some sort of teddy bear (all anthro). There are also humans in it as well. I will watch the premiere episode and then review it for all of you (will try to be spoiler free) *giggle*

Once again I hear from a friend "You are too old" and that reminds me of the other times that I have heard that. I heard it when I joined a brony chat room when I was 33 You are too old, I heard it when I asked someone that I really, really liked to allow me the privilege of being with him when I was 35 You are too old, I have heard it in a AB/DL room that the age of those in it (and active) are 15 to mid twenties You are too old many times. I have heard it from many, many, many different people in many, many, many places.

There was a time and some of you no doubt heard this "You are too young" to do whatever, but that will change, you will grow up (increase in age), but I cannot grow down, I cannot get younger, I cannot be anything, except who and what I am and that person is just TOO DAMN OLD to do the things he loves to do and be around the ones he loves to be around. I do not see a point in getting any older, if all it will do is push me even further past some imaginary line that I am too old to see now, a line that all those younger than me I guess can see just fine.

*giggle* http://puu.sh/aRXcF/d4f17f5a34.jpg *giggle*

You miss them when they are not around.

You can't wait to hear from them
.
If you don't hear from them you worry.

If you do hear from them you smile.

You are very forgiving of their...antics.

Even if their antics embarrass you, it makes you smile.

You defend them to your family and friends.

You feel comfortable knowing they will do the same.

You sit close to one another.

You love holding one another.

You get excited knowing they are on their way to you

You want to listen to what they have to say and learn from them everything that they can do. So that you can learn those things to make yourself their equal and share in their life.

You are willing to look past any deficiencies they may have and look to what is good and right in them.

You are willing to do whatever must be done to improve or correct those deficiencies (If they can be improved upon.)

You are willing and excited to try new things, even if they make you feel embarrassed or seem at first weird or yucky.

You are willing to do anything for them.

You are able to accept their faults and want to help them improve upon them.

They are the last thing you think about before you fall asleep and are the first thing you think about when you awake.

You are willing to tell the one you love every minute detail of your day and life no matter how insignificant, menial, trivial or stupid it may be to you and knowing at the same time that they truly care and are listening.

You want nothing more than them to be happy, even if that doesn’t include you.

You want to hold them close to your body and heart, but realise that you must let them go so that they may live their life.

You know that time apart is not only a good thing, but a necessity.

You are willing to put them before yourself, Their wants, needs, dreams, desires, and wishes.

You want to protect them from pain, sadness, and fear.

You will do anything and everything you can do to make them feel and be safe from sadness.

You are always honest with them and yourself in all things, your words, actions, thoughts, desires, wishes and dreams, even if that truth might make another sad it could also help them see that you value and respect their opinion.

You never willingly lie to them.

You do not (or try not to) keep secrets about yourself from them. Yes, some of your secrets may upset or scare them away, but you were honest with them and that shows love.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

http://insidemovies.ew.com/2014/08/.....ms-dead-at-63/ *cries*

/me Squeals

provided I am drug free and not a wanted criminal or a felon, I am employed at wal-mart
position is maintenance, pays $8.45/hr it is more or less cleaning.

- Name: Lawrence

- Single or taken: Single

- Sex: Male

- Birthday: 26th January

- Sign: Aquarius

- Hair color: Brown

- Eye color: Blue

- Height: 5'9 or 5'10"

- Are you straight/bisexual/gay?: Gay and Demisexual.

____________________________________________________________________________
S P E C I F I C S
____________________________________________________________________________

- What kind of shampoo do you use?: Coconut scented

- What are you listening to right now?: Meatloaf, Billy Joel and MLP:FIM S1-S4 songs

- Who is the last person that called you?: None

- How many buddies are online right now?: around 30ish.

____________________________________________________________________________
F A V O U R I T E S
____________________________________________________________________________

- Animal: Dogs, Snakes and wild cats

- Colour: Pink

- Drink: Dr pepper

- Element: Water

- Food: Swedish Meatballs

- Game: Final Fantasy VI (III in the USA)

- Movie: The Rocky Horror Picture Show

- Song: Anything from the Everclear, Meatloaf and MLP:FIM

- Subjects in school: Psycology

- T.V Series: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Bob's burgers, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, South park, Real Time with Bill Maher and Littlest Pet Shop
____________________________________________________________________________
H A V E | Y O U | E V E R
____________________________________________________________________________

- Given anyone a bath?: Eeyup

- Smoked?: Eeyup

- Bungee jumped?: Eeyup

- Made yourself throw up?: No

- Skinny dipped?: Eeyup

- Ever been in love?: Eeyup

- Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: Eeyup

- Pictured your crush naked?: eeyup, teehee

- Actually seen your crush naked?: Eeyup

- Cried when someone died?: probably

- Lied: Eeyup

- Fallen for your best friend?: Eeyup

- Used someone?: Nope

- Done something you regret?: Eeyup

____________________________________________________________________________
C U R R E N T
____________________________________________________________________________

- Clothes: Tshirt and Diaper

- Desktop picture: Pinkie Pie

- CD in player: No

- DVD in player: No

____________________________________________________________________________
L A S T | P E R S O N
____________________________________________________________________________

- You touched: Momma

- Hugged: Momma

- You kissed: Momma

- You IMed: Momma

- Talk to online: Momma

- You sexed it up with: Emerald Radiance (Skype and RP only)

___________________________________________________________________________
A R E | Y O U
___________________________________________________________________________

- Understanding?: Eeyup

- Open-minded?: Eeyup

- Arrogant?: Sadly, Eeyup

- Insecure?: Yes

- Random?: Always

- Hungry?: Always

- Smart?: Very

- Moody?: Yes

- Organized?: Sometimes

- Shy?: Extremely

- Difficult?: maybe

- Bored easily?: Eeyup

- Entertained easily?: Eeyup

- Obsessed?: Eeyup lmao

- Lazy?: Eeyup

- Angry?: Sometimes

- Happy?: Eeyup

- Hyper?: Eeyup

- Trusting?: Very
___________________________________________________________________________
R A N D O M
___________________________________________________________________________

- In the morning: Drawing, writing or being a baby

- Love is: Wonderful for those lucky enough to have it

- I dream about: Being a baby with momma and daddie

- What do you notice first in the sex you're into: Their personality

___________________________________________________________________________
W H O
___________________________________________________________________________

- Makes you laugh the most:. Momma

- Makes you smile: Momma and Daddie

-Gives you a funny feeling when you see him/her: No one at this time
_____________________________
D O | Y O U | E V E R
___________________________________________________________________________

- Sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone special to IM you?: Eeyup

- Wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: Eeyup

- Wish you were younger?: Eeyup

- Cry because someone said something to you?: Often
___________________________________________________________________________
N U M B E R
___________________________________________________________________________

- Of times I have had my heart broken?: Three times

- Of Cd's: 0

- Of scars on my body: Four or Five

- Of bones I've broken: 1 (left Pinkie finger)

Name: Lawrence
Nickname: Amethyst Apple, Ame, Amy, Amekins, Amykinsies, Pinkie Pie, Pinkie,
Location: Richmond, KY
Age: 36
Height: 5'9"
Zodiac sign: Aquarius
Any pets: Many little ponies (toys)
Favorite thing about yourself: My imagination
Worst habit: de-valuing and belittling myself
Fun fact: I married myself to my Pinkie Pie Plushie

Identity, Sexuality & Personality

Gender identity: Male, but not sure
Sexual preference: Homosexual
Romantic preference: monogamous
"Kinsey Scale" score: null value
Relationship status: single and available . . . teehee
Myers/Briggs type: huh?
Hogwarts house: Ravenclaw

Routine

"Early Bird" or "Night Owl": Night Owl
Bath or shower:Shower if I am alone, bath if with Momma
First thought in the morning: YAY, I am squishy
Last thought before falling asleep at night: I love you Momma and Daddie

School/Work

Do you work or are you a student: Student (sort of).
What do you do well: I am not sure I do anything well :(.
Where do you see yourself in 5 years: In a home with lots of fellow padded babies, kittens, pups and ponies, with Momma and Daddie.

Habits (Do you…?)

Drink: No (too poor)
Smoke: No comment.
Do Drugs: Buck no, never have and never will.
Exercise: What is that *giggle*.
Have a go-to comfort food: Swedish Meatballs
Have a nervous habit: I um . . . get very quiet and I pretend I am a dangerous villain.

What is your favorite…?

Physical quality (in yourself): I have no good physical qualities.
In Others: Personality first, everything else second.
Mental/emotional quality (in yourself): My imagination and my genuine caring for all others.
Food: Swedish Meatballs
Drink: Apple Juice (what else would a baby like me drink?)
Animal: Ponies, Puppies and Wild Cats.
Artist/Band/Group: "Weird" Al Yankovic, Metallica and Everclear
Author/Poet: J.K. Rowling
TV Show: My little Pony Friendship is Magic and Law and order: Special Victims Unit
Actor/Actress: Alan Rickman, Kate Mulgrew, and Zachary Quinto (Gabriel Grey/Syler from heroes)

Hello and hugs, brohooves, nuzzles or whatever social greeting you are comfortable with to all those who choose to read this, and I will be honest in my assumption that of those who choose to read this, even fewer will respond or even care about the thoughts and feelings expressed in this and following journals that I will compose.

Now that the pleasantries are taken care of, to the body and purpose of this journal, as I read through all of your wonderfully special and unique user profiles and journals. I see all the various icons and I guess flash based images or avatars that signify the groups you are a part of and the super adorable families that you have built over time. To be honest I am a little jealous of seeing them. I do not mean to be one who is made to feel less important or less valued by others when I see in your profiles or the Skype chat room(s)all of the incredibly close and loving bonds that have been formed by you. My questions are

1.) How do you find and/or join the groups you are a part of?

2.) Those of you who have ABDL families (large or small), how did you find your mommas, daddies, brothers, sisters, sons, daughters or pups?

3.) When you found those who you wished to be a part of your heart and family, how did you ask them to be amongst you and what did you say?

4.) How do you create or use the icons or avatars in your profiles to show your familial relationships or group affiliation?
I am very sorry if these questions are upsetting to some and I would completely understand and accept a response of “Butt out” or “I did what I did to find my ABDL family and you must do the same.”

Until next time this is Amethyst Apple (Pony) and Kara (furrsona) saying have a wondrous morning, afternoon and evening.

(A warning, I am not the best writer in terms of grammar, punctuation, syntax, proper prose in writing, and other fundamentals of writing either in the causal or the academic sense. Please bear with me as I attempt to learn how to write properly as I continue to write, I use Microsoft Word 2010 to write, then I copy/paste to FA, so some of the errors are caught by the software, thankies berry muchsies <3)

Greetings, salutations, hello, hiya, and welcome to my journals. In these communications I will attempt to share my feelings, my thoughts, what is going on in my life, and whatever else tickles my fancy. In this first journal I will tell you about myself, the life I have lived, how I am now, what I am involved with and what I hope and wish to have in the future.

First of all, I guess I should tell you my name, I am Amethyst Apple (yes, that is my main pony OC’s name, but I identify with him more than I have ever the person and name I was born with and have lived as. If my ABDL momma Rene (Ryan) did not advise me not to do it, I would legally change my name to Amethyst Apple.) I am a gay thirty six year old man who is single (no I am not, nor would I ever use this or any forum to try to “pick up guys”, besides if that was even a possibility, I would clam up instantly and become as silent as the audience after Rarity tries to tell a joke. (I am a very, very shy colt.)


Most of my past can be read in the following Google doc link, it is a short biography of my pre MLP:FIM life, it was written about a year and a half ago and much has changed since its writing.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/.....Y-iBht53w/edit

So, after some time had passed and by chance or maybe it was planned for me, I somehow (sadly I do not remember how I first met momma) met a person named Sterling Pinion http://overzealousfancolt.deviantart.com/ on Skype. We talked for a few weeks and I learned that he was ABDL. I had no clue as to what that was I had never heard of such a thing. The idea intrigued me and I started to do some research on what ABDL was. As I read more and more about it, read the stories of those who are ABDL, the lives they had lived, the difficulties they had prior to discovering their true selves and that they have some of the same fears and feelings I myself have. I talked with Sterling for a few weeks more about what it is to be ABDL (I know I may be phrasing that wrong) and I slowly transitioned from the stallion I was before, to the colt that I feel I was always meant to be or at least I was never allowed to be when I was that age IRL. Eventually he asked me if he could be my IRL ABDL momma. I cried with happiness as I said yes and we have moved forward as mare and colt since then. There have been a few bumps in the road, a few misunderstandings and many tears from my own insecurities, guilt, shame and other bad feelings that I live with due to my past. I love him so very, very much and I treasure who and what he is not only as my momma, but also as the person he is inside, his personality, his values, his outlook on life, his natural drive to get things done that must be done, and that no matter what he is there for his friends and family (both IRL and ABDL.)

Yes, I know that it sounds like I am writing some teenaged love letter to my “crush”, but I do not love momma in that way. There was a time that I had thought that I was “in love” with momma in the romantic or sexual sense, but those feeling were misplaced and misidentified. Through careful and thoughtful examination of my feelings, his feelings and that kind of stuff I came to realize that I do love him, but it is a pure love that is reserved for how a child would feel for his or her parent (I know that he is not my actual mother or father, meaning that he did not create me in the biological sense, nor did he marry the person who created me.) Come to think of it perhaps he did create me in a manner of speaking, perhaps he helped create or I should say give re-birth to the person I was when I was a real little boy, helping me find and bring out from that dark lonely place filled with nothing but darkness, fear, sadness, anger, hate, resentment and so much terrible emotional pain.

Now to get on a happier tone, in spending time with momma, I came to learn that he had feelings for a very special somepony named “Wise” that he had known for some time. At first I was a little jealous, but that faded quickly and I accepted that as I should have from the beginning that momma wanted or needed real life companionship, a kind that I would be unable and unworthy to supply. After a little bit I spoke to “Wise” myself and he had a delightful personality I liked him, he was funny and silly. At the time I had a colt friend named “Vivid” and it was nice for a while, but he was too young (19) and far too immature for the serious long term relationship I was looking for and need. We lasted a few months and recently I was dumped by him (it was for the best, he needs to grow up and evaluate and maybe learn what “Love” really is in my opinion.) The reason I bring up “Vivid” is that through him I got for the first time in my life a “daddie.” (Again I know that it is not real life, only role play and such, perhaps in the long distant future that might change is some way?) I know that I have a biological father, but I never met him and I have a stepfather, but I do not like or care for him in any way (that is explained why in the Google Doc link above.) “Vivid had asked “Wise” to be our daddie (without asking me about that) that was a little off putting to me at first, but then I talked with momma about “wise” being my daddie, then I spoke to “Wise” and nervously accept him into my life, I haven’t regretted that decision for even a millisecond since then. Daddie is very kind, wise and supportive of his little colt and I treasure the time he spends telling me bedtime stories or doing changes of my dipey (online text)


As for the future, I hope to get the job I interviewed for at McDonalds two hours ago, I hope to one day maybe become an ABDL daddie or momma myself and maybe just maybe one day live in the same place as momma and daddie, making us a true family (I know that the decision to do that is not mine to make and that it not only depends on both momma and daddie maybe becoming the type of partners who live with each other, maybe married legally, but also on me proving that I can and will be useful in the regard of paying my own way and contributing to the household my time, money and honest true self.) I hope to further develop my furrsona “Kara” who is a sissy Caracal kitten/cat. I hope to try to improve my artistic skill by practicing and not looking at all of you truly wonder artists, seeing your very good and wonderful works of art and saying to myself “These are so perfectly done, I will never be this good, so I might as well give up.”

That is all I have to say in this Journal, if you should have any questions, comments (good or bad) or concerns that you wish to discuss, feel free to make your comment. No matter what I will always answer back with courtesy, respect, compassion and truthful honesty, thank you and have a very pleasant morning, afternoon and evening.