It's been another half year or so... But NEW THINGS

BEEN BUSY
Things have been busy. I've lost 40 pounds, I have more muscles than I've ever had, and I'm feeling frisky and better then I've been in a long time. Did a lot of yardwork, exercise, and better eating.

BETTER MENTAL HEALTH
Things are getting better. It's been a full year since I haven't had anyone abuse me (or let anyone abuse me) and I've been recovering well mentally.

FRIENDS HELPING
has been keeping me in good company. I can say my time visiting has been good on my overall health. I hope this trend continues.

I'M AN UNCLE NOW!!
Well tell you the truth I've technically been one for years but my sister is having kids. So that's a thing. I have mixed feelings but I am somewhat happy to be one. I always thought myself as the fun Uncle.

Still a lot more to do... Adopting several projects: Video game creation and design. There are a couple of fun ideas I have. I also wanna make some fun text adventure games. Will be fun to see how people enjoy my ideas.

Anyway that's about it... Other than that I've been frisky and reconnecting with friends. Being my charasmatic and friendly self. Hope I get somewhere in a year or so, it's been a lot of work.

What else can I say? The support has been very warm and something I didn't know I needed. Having those around to support and offer it is very comforting.

I'm grateful for all the affection and guidance and help. I'm doing my best. I've been very tired lately. Physical and emotional tolls have been exhausting me.

At least I am able to still enjoy life. Critters I've saved over the years popping up in my head now thinking about how much good I've done in my struggle. Holding onto the good things. Thinking about the life and love I try to put out in the world.

Just gotta keep my focus on these things. Enjoy what time I have left. Shoot high and work hard.

I've been told now that my dad's cancer is incurable which means it's basically a death sentence.

It's really weighing hard on me and I just want everyone to know what I'm going through. There's a lot more on my mind but this one has been the heaviest one as of late

This one is going to be short.

I'm probably insane at this point. I don't know what to feel or do and I am pushing things away and being unstable and I don't have a clue what I want to do.

I just want to lay in bed all day and do nothing.
I'm stressed and tired and just need to have nice things happen to me. Not right now, things are not nice.

And the times I do feel something positive and warm I end up doing or saying something stupid.

I'm just... Broken.

[Edit] I did have something nice happen to me recently. I connected with a few special individuals. Right now things are just really tough and I want everyone to know I'm trying to feel better and get out and work and be productive and positive. It's just hard when it's you at the end and start the day, alone in your own head, with all the voices telling you how you aren't doing enough or all the things you've eff'd up, and the confusion of not being able to figure out what you need to do.

Hello again <3 gonna hug you tight for just taking the time to read this.

I sometimes write journals here to help others see what I've been up to if they want to without poking me.

Almost half a year ago I gave my last update, But recently my mentality has gotten a lot better. I had a lot of lows but sometimes those are the ones you need to get in deep and get it all out and then sort through the mess of emotions. Seems like all my stress and trauma piles have shrunken down a bit and I'm getting a better hold on myself. I'm less stressed, I get angry less often, I am crying a lot less, and I'm finding myself in a more cheery, not entirely happy, but more cheery and optimistic mindset.

I'm getting back into piano and recently had a little cute duet with a dear friend <3 And credit where credit is due,  ashtalon should be given some good hugs and loving for being so sweet. And since then I've just been getting better and better. I've cleaned up my apartment really well, got rid of furniture cluttering my place, and finally got to hanging out with new friends locally. It's been nice. Of course I'm still not perfect. I've actually fallen out of roleplaying a bit in favor of audible company other than roleplaying a lot of things out. Suppose I was really into it but life has gotten to be real demanding. But I see that as a plus even though I don't get as much quality time.

I digress, The point being I still have stuff to work on but things are slowly moving in a more productive direction. I might even crack open my science books and study them again just for the fun of being able to teach others. Or even teach piano! I would LOVE to teach people piano. But I'm still sooooooo rusty and unpracticed. I need to pick it back up pronto.

Just wanted to share things, I'm trying to figure my life out still, but I'm not sad anymore. I'm still focused on myself but I'm in a place where I can focus more on those around me.

Soon I might even get back into Furaffinity and FINALLY POST ALL MY NEW ART OH MY LORD. It's been like 2 years since I posted ANYTHING artwise and I only uploaded 3 on the same day. I need to start drawing again for gifts and stuff. It's going to be great. More later! but as for now I'm just going to relax and try to keep this going.

Also sorry if I haven't poked you in a while ;; But feel free to poke me anytime! I'm usually off in my own head most days and sometimes I forget people exist for a bit ;;

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii.


Just venting this here so I'm not telling everyone what's been happening with me again and again.

I've been tired more than anything... This new job has me ok my feet a lot, allergy season has kicked up, and it's starting to warm up. Each is not my favorite in each case. But I've been barely successful for half a year now saving money and making smart investments.

Recently there were some losses in the fandom, some passed away, some I discovered just disappeared, and I'm feeling more and more lonely as time is marching forward and I have lost quite a few valued friends.

It's been eating away at me... I've been residing alone for most of my life and last year I gave roommates a go and I was left holding the bag.

I'm not feeling like I'm okay. I feel like I need more company and I'm almost desperate to hold onto the friendships I have. I've lost so much over the last few years and I'm feeling like I'm slowly going insane.

Hey!

I know i'm bad at reading other's journals and I'm bad at keeping up nowadays with how busy and tired I am all the time, things that I wanna do, and the time I dedicate to loved ones. I am back on my feet. I've financially recovered, I'm finally buying stuff for myself, clothing, gear, new shoes, heck I just bought scrubs for work!

It's been hard for a long time and finally I've got a nice stable position, and I can only go up from there. I've settled in a good place for now, but now I find myself wanting more. So I'm investing in hobbies I've dropped for years, I'm investing in friendships and relationships again, and I'm forming some really close bonds. It's felt like forever since I've felt good. Things have been rough.

I'm going to try and catch up with everything, upload all my art, start drawing again, start playing more music and taking some theory classes, and I'm going to be more productive and invest so in a few years I may be able to afford a house for myself. Soooooon good things! For now, just work work work and play when I can get downtime.

Nothing too big happening, but I thought after all I've been through I should let you guys know I'm thinking of you all. Just haven't gotten around to poking everyone ;; Feel free to poke me and help me touch base if you happen to catch this :P <3.

I've been busy over the last year and a half after the last two years spending all the time to get to this point.

I'm struggling financially, physically I have just recovered from physical pain that was chronic since January. It's since gotten better but I'm still recovering. I'm still stiff in my side. But the biggest pain wasn't physical.

I got fired from a job I worked so hard on and got no help. Then even at home I was neglected, abused, and even then I still lost out in the end. I lost friendships, I've lost time and sanity and even now I'm still sore from cleaning up a mess... And it still wasn't enough to be perfect.

It feels like I've been battling a war on my own and I haven't had the guts or confidence to take my life in my own hands for fear of hurting those I thought I could call friends.

I'm just so tired but I'm trying hard to get back on my feet. I'm pushing to rebuild what was taken from me, pride, confidence, and my security and sanity. But I'm still around. Just still fighting the big fight and getting through life.

-Amrien

Hey! It's been a while since I posted an update.

God there's so much to talk about. Things kinda of zipped by.


I graduated!! I'm a bachelor of science (finally). I thought I'd never graduate at the rate I was going. But the years haven't been kind to me and I've been hard at work keeping it all together.

I'm moved out! I have two new lovely roommates who I care about greatly, they give me so much interaction and I'm so happy, but yet, there're still things that, albeit in the back of mind, still cause me stress.

In completely fine, nothing it wrong but I'm still adjusting and with that I've been very aloof and quiet. I'm still alive! I'm merely getting used to my life living in the new den.

Poking me for anything is completely welcome, I'm trying to get better at that myself (without being obnoxious or annoying).

I've got tons more to talk about, I've already had some crazy adventures, joys, frustrations and laments. But I'm doing well and hopefully soon to nail a job here within my major. Things are in the air.

Hope you are doing well! Thank you for taking the time to catch up with Lil old me <3

I've had a lot of time since I've been out of school and it’s felt like I’ve been studying for what seems like forever. Just a few weeks of freedom, the trip to visit goodnoodle, Ashyre, was fantastic. Best vacation I ever had and she was amazing. I got to hang out with good friends and people who treat me like more than family. I can't wait to go back!

But since I returned home, in the slump of depression and negativity, I realize how miserable I am.

I have absolutely no yearning to remain in my current arrangement and I'm pushing hard to get out. I had a positive outlook on things before I returned home and it just all left me less than a day being back home and having to be subjected to the emotional strain that is my family.

I'm returning down the hole of self-depreciation and thoughts that circle about my self worth, how much I mean to others, how me being anti-social whilst in this state creates a bigger void between me and those I care about.

It's just getting harder to contain all the abomination of grief and despondence and I had to let it out somewhere. I'm not happy. Not yet. I had a taste of what I could do and it's left me in a worse state than before I left. Almost like post con depression but this feeling makes it hard to get out of bed. Hard to give any sort of effort toward anything and half the time I just lose interest and sleep all day.

I hope, if you have worries or worried about me, that this gives you a little insight to what I've been dealing with. It seems I'm still not recovered from the previous year and I still need time to figure my life out.

I'm almost done with School! I passed all my classes and I'm soon going to be free from the laborious torment that is being a science major. (all jesting aside, it takes a ton of work)

I only have one more semester left and, though my social life has shriveled into a dried up husk and my wallet is more full of air than money, I feel I can bounce back!

I am doing much better mentally, especially after heavy tragedy that has stuck me mid summer last year and several tragedies before that.

I'm recovering. I feel stronger every day. I work out in my room (though i should invest in some cardio, I'm getting quite the muffin top), I work on projects and I'm knocking out my to-do list nearly every day.

Things are better! And I know I haven't been around, things have piled up, and I'm not looking forward to submitting all of my new art and stickers... That's going to be an all-day chore at some point XD.

I'm still around! Please poke me. I'll have much more free-time until the fall semester starts up again. Hit me up for a chat, game, rp, or just come for a quick dm. It's nice to hear from you even if it's just a hello <3.

I planned a trip to Utah to visit (excitement!) until the 17th and I leave on the 3rd of July. If you are trying to contact me during that time, aim for the evenings during the week as I will most likely be out and about.

Thank you for checking in on me here too! It means more than you know for you just reading this. big smooch and hug for you <3 see you soon ;3

-Amrien

Hello Everyone!!!

I think it's about time to get started on filling in blanks to those who haven't seen me in a while.

I've got a lot going for me this year. I've managed to talk to an old friend (one whom means more than anything to me) and we've come up with a plan to move in together! I'm movin at the end of this year!!! EXCITING!

However this means leaving a lot behind, giving up comfort, pushing for my own success, working harder than I've ever worked, and being true to my responsibilities and obligations.

I've started drawing again! (granted I haven't done much more than doofy sketch ideas) I'm working on trying to ramp up to commissions as a goal for this year. I plan on working out a lot more, playing piano, uploading all my art here (FINALLY), and keeping in touch with those I hold dear to me more often.

These goals are off to a bumpy start!

School this semester is going to prove to be my hardest. As it is i'm looking at more than 14 tasks I have to do for school alone on top of all the other stuff I need to get done. I'm working on it! So much that I haven't slept very much this week.

But please stay in touch if you want to hear from me. I'm not going to be as free to poke people often. I'm going to be working off plans primarily, constantly monitoring what I need to get done and how much time I can stay free, but you're welcome to poke me. I'll reply when I can.

I've set the bar pretty high this year, but already doing well in classes, I've been drawing and successfully hanging out (even if i'm pooped).

I will be posting my art when I can AND my own creations when I can find the appropriate time.
I'm excited for 2020.

Some people this year have had quite a few amazing and life changing events happen. I've seen some of my friends grow and many take on far more challenging endeavors. Some of my dear friends have gotten life partners, mates they can cherish over a lifetime. Others have fought through their depression and are now emerging and feeling as if they're a completely different person. Such things are quite wonderful to hear, even if the events leading to those conclusions haven't been easy. It's been a struggle for many this year. Seems 2019 was the year of growth and change.

For me, This year has been a trying one on many levels. I've gone through several stages of development and strain this year. It hasn't been easy on me at all. I've been at my wits end and it seemed this year has zoomed by and all my friends have all gone and grown without me. I have been more honest about my hardships as of late. Though I've not been so public with every event, it's been a year of storms and tribulation for me.

It feels like I've been in a slumber all year and woke up to find my world changed around me. And now I want to catch up and spend more time with my loved ones. But I fear I won't be able to, moving away, pushing for my future, more time away from those I care and yearn to be around. I just hope i'll have time to be around those I love in 2020 more than I have this year as much as I hope they desire my attention.

For my good friends, I couldn't list you all. You know who you are. If you're reading this and I've talked to you this year, I've for sure thought of you at least once. I never forget my friends, even if i'm shy and boring and I don't poke you or we haven't chatted. You're always welcome.

To all my dearest friends I thank you so much for being apart of my life. I try so hard to tell you how much I feel for you and how my heart yearns to be around you all who bolster my happiness so much. Without you, I'd not be the same fluff I am today. I've grown quite a bit and have learned far more about myself with you around. I can't possible count how many people have impacted me this year but you all know who you are, lord knows I can't stop complimenting you guys :P <3 you all are amazing.

I hope 2020 will be easier, for both me and everyone else. I hope I see more of you and wish for the best in 2020. I'm very optimistic about the future and I hope your plans go through!

With love and lazy affections,
-Amrien Winterweiss

I think I'm ready to start looking for some kind of relationship... I don't have anyone in mind and I'm not eager to find just anyone and just hook up. But I would like to start something. Now to just find someone to start it with.

Eh, we'll see what happens.

I've been focusing on myself for a long while and I'm still shifting my focus to my success and what i'm doing for the future.

Recent tragedies have brought me down for a bit, Losing a close companion, time spent and wasted, money lost, jobless again, life giving me a blow to the face.

been spending a lot of my time with chores lately, cleaning up my room and my life, moving on from my misery.

School starts up next week. I'm goign to be busy again, might have to move out, might have to figure out if I'm staying here, am I moving elsewhere? who'll come with me? Where am I going?

It's just going to be a long hard road from this point forward.

This journal is a promise that i'll be here still. I just won't be going out to poke people. So PLEASE POKE ME! I'll be here, telegram, discord, yada yada. I really do look forward to seeing you all again <3 and please take care while I'm busy.

Hi... I don't know how to talk about my problems.

Think others have noticed how I'm usually sad or i had these moments where I'm not happy and people worry. I know it's getting old. I am tired of it all myself.

No i'm not having one of those moments... I just thought i'd fill you all in on some of the troubles... instead of keeping it all to myself.

I've been a victim of emotional and social abuse for as long as I can remember. I've never fit in, always too friendly, always too energetic and bouncy at times. I've been called names, told things I'd rather not repeat, bullied and physically abused by others

At home I am subject to similar treatment, not as often, but similar in all respects. It's been something I've been subject to forever, very little changes over time.

Recently It's been worse, my life is reaching a critical turn and I'm doing my best to handle it all. I've been under so much continuous stress that it's caused me to malfunction in so many ways... I've never been diagnosed but I believe I've been chronically and sometimes clinically depressed for the better portion of 5-6 years now and I've tried to hide it and handle it on my own.

I'm getting help and I've been reclusive in doing so for myself. I don't mean to make it look like I don't care or my priorities have shifted or anything. It's just... So hard to keep up when all I want to think about is how much I don't feel worthy of being anyone's friend or even having the faintest voice that tells me "They don't really like you, they're just saying that because you have a cute character." or "You'll never be truly liked, there are so many better people out there" or "Why do you even try? You'll never be accepted". I dunno. I'm not well I guess.

I hope you all are having a good 2019. So far it's like running through a giant pool filled with cement. The deeper i get submerged, the harder it is for me to move and breath. But I still fight, I've been doing it all my life, I'm a big boy X3

I just hope you'll all be patient and wait for me. I know I've been asking for quite a while... but I'm just not there yet. I'll catch up. Promise.

I'm gonna be doing this thing.

so I'm gonna be poking and participating in more chats and being around more often. Feel free to message me whenever and i'll get to you when I have a chance.

It's been a hard road, lots of choices, lots of dedication, lots of progress made toward what I want out of life.

However, I find that if I live for myself and take my time it seems to go a lot smoother. I have heard advice from others, taken it to heart, but It just never seemed to work out due to habit. But now that I'm taking steps, all seems to be getting better.

I hope things continue on this path and that I'm able to spend more time with those I like more and meet more people who would enlighten it.

I don't know what happened but i'm feeling amazing. I know it's random and it's funny, but I'm just... feeling so goooooood and confident and want to celebrate. Might set up a drawing session with a friend and submit all the commissions I haven't posted yet.

It's gonna be some time before I'm free again, but let me know if you'd like to spend time with me either online or in person!

see ya then!