Hey folks, I'm reaching deep.

I need to raise $380 for my friend here. She's in Argentina, and she's desperate. She's the only breadwinner, she needs money for food, to keep the electricity on and medicine for her sick father.

Anything, please, even $5.

https://ko-fi.com/art_of_ren

I'm mentally in a huge, deep, dark, black as night, pit. The walls are vertical. I've been here for two days.

Someone help pull be out
I want out

I wish I knew what I was doing wrong here. What I can do to somehow fix this.

I can count on less than one hand, in fact, I can count on two fingers the amount of people that give me any sort of semi regular attention. I have so many others. No matter how much I've helped, how much I encourage and be nice to...how much money i spend, i just I can't give anyone to give a shit about me.

I know I'm neurodivergent, I know I have ADHD and autism and depression and anxiety and mood disorder. I know I can be self destructive.

And I understand that's not easy to get along with. That I'm not the easiest person to get along with. That I can sometimes be high maintenance.

But fuck..why is this so hard. Why is it so hard to get people to care? What am I doing wrong?

Silly idea, but why not, I went ahead and started a go find me to get a 3d model of Halulu made, which I would be willing to hand out if certain conditions are met such as correct crediting, and that she is top only, along with certain no-go fetishes of her being depicted it.

Here goes nothing; https://ko-fi.com/O4O61EZJWZ/goal?g=0

Why is it that the furry community is expected/obligated to care about the characters of popufurs but I just never get any traction on my own creation?

I'm not going to name names but we all know who those popufurs are, and there are a fair amount.

Why is the furry community this way?

There is such a high barrier of entry. Popufurs are just these kings and queens we crown and then grovel at their feet for no fucking reason. It's as if they were cult leaders.

This elite group of people expect/demand the communities attention and people fall over themselves to grant this attention?

Would there be any interest from anyone here about potentially having me open a patreon or kofi for getting Halulu, my Orca in 3d and having her available, as a top only, for renders and animations with other people's characters? Or something like that?

I dont know if its a good idea or not, modeling Halulu is about $700 ish, I'm wondering if there is a way to safely monetize where I dont completely lose creative control of her, but also make her available in terms of render/anim comms with other folks' 3d characters.

I dunno...is this stupid, or what?

Hey everyone! If you like text and art based RPGs, or you like a fascinating story, or you like massive muscles, male hoods, or growth. Or a combination of them all, you should totally download and play this beta.

Play it here at https://dawnofcorruption.net

I've played it multiple times, it's an awesome game, and  Sombreve is the bestest creative bean.

Support his incredibly hard work in reaching this milestone of getting his beta release out!

Also, consider supporting his work on his patreon available at https://patreon.com/posts/12090197…

And another week of my friends telling me to go fuck myself comes to a close, caaaannnnt fuckin wait for next week of the same.

Nothing I do here matters. No matter what idea I come up with, what I try to create, how much I shell out for something to be created, no one gives a shit. No one does and no one ever will. Been in the furry world since the early 2000s and I'm just as obscure as I was when I first started.

Most people I know on Telegram or Discord, except a few exceptions (and there are people who do talk to me), can either be fucking bothered to message me back for DAYS on end. Why am I here? What in the actual fuck am I even doing here?

And yeah, I'm guilty of it myself, theres people who I dont know who have tried to get to know me, and for what ever reason I get uncomfortable like, I dont know what you really want from me. Its most likely they want my wallet, but thats what I get I guess.

Pushing the old journal off, thats all this is for

I wish I was dead.

I can't do anything about it, I won't do anything because I got family and responsibilities

But that's how I feel

Sometimes the easy way out is so appealing.

Nothing matters. My life is shit and agony and just being a resource for others to consume.

I'm 37, my youth is at its end, and no matter how much money I make my family gobbles it up.

Fuck everything. I hate myself. I hate myself for my abject self loathing.

Sometimes the easy way out is so appealing sounding. Then my family could just get my insurance money..

I'm safe. I'm not going to do anything...but my mind wishes I would.

It would be nice if my friends talked to me.

So here's an interesting piece of news, not sure why I'm posting it here but hey, its a journal.

Everyone that reads my journals knows of Jai, of course, my massive 20 foot tall Gundarii, who is ALWAYS a top.

Wellllll, thats been the case for two decades, and I feel like its time for a change. I came across  sombreve and what can I say, I love his demon-self a lot, from character design, to personality, to sheer looks. And we got to talking, and I feel like I can say that  sombreve is basically Jai's Lord, God, and Master now. There's some lore behind this that will be coming. Jai will still be a top that others can have fun with, but his big, boulder-like black ass belongs to Sombreve.

Front door open, back door under new ownership. Expect to see more of these two as Jai has a bit of a new chapter as a character now, getting absolutely wrecked, destroyed, and ruined, in all the ways he can be by this massive, purple demon.

Hello everyone, for my Brontosaurus character, Straxus, one of my darkest characters, I need some feedback!

https://www.furaffinity.net/gallery.....559309/Straxus

On his speedo hes always had a skull and crossbones, but in an upcoming commission I'm tempted to change it up.

So reply with the following options

1) Leave it alone as just Skull and Crossbones.
2) Replace with text that reads Death Sentence
3) Replace with text that reads Lethal Contents
4) Leave it as Skull and Crossbones, but add one of the two text options to the waistband, and if so which one.

or none of the above! Let me know!

Its funny, most of my journals arent ever positive, its just me bitching, but its what I got for an outlet, so...

TFW you constantly reach out to a friend you've helped and supported for a long damn time, to try and talk to them, and they just couldn't give a flying fuck to hold a conversation or message you back. That's fucking unbelievable.

This is aimed towards a certain someone whom I haven't visited in real life, just so I can prevent some another of mine who is genuinely in a very busy part of their life from thinking I mean them. (Just incase they're reading it).

Opportunity to get a birthday gift of Straxus to myself, but with whats been going on IRL, creativity has been a bit shot.

So, what would YOU guys like to see of the big bronto? It would likely be limited to just him in the image, but I'm open to all ideas anyway.

Pretty fuckin cool when you just learn that, apparently, in order for me to "be in the furry community", that my politics that I keep to myself MUST apparently become everyone else's fucking business.

When I know for a fact I'm only allowed to have certain opinions and allowed to say certain things.

Its rich its really fucking rich.

If you go on Twitter and say that after what happened today, we need a violent revolution, America needs to burn, people need to die, etc, you are a Coward and a Liar, with a capital C and capital L.

You either mean it, in which case, you wont do it, so you're a coward and a liar.

Or, you don't mean it, in which case, you are a coward to claim that you do mean it, and also a liar.

Maybe you jack off to the idea of being in a political Death Squad, to kill all the 'subhumans' who don't agree with you politically, who knows.

Its ghoulish. Its vile. Its demonstrably demonic, and 9.95 times out of ten, its the worst kind of disingenuous virtue signaling. "Oh, I want to my friends to hear and praise me for how Che Guevara I am, fucking UNF."

Keep an eye on this, ladies and gents: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/47548997/

If its harder these days to buy a commission than it was to buy my house and finance it, fuck it, and fuck the whole process.

Clearly you dont want my money, and any help I've given you in the past means absolute dick.

That is all.

It's always disheartening to pay for a service in advance, and not really...receive the service, or even receive communication about the service.

It's hard to justify these days full payment for commissions when the last few I've tried I just don't get. I'm waiting on four months for one, a year on another.

But no one works on a deposit system either, I just have to take their word at face value. It's a catch 22. I also have no recourse to recoup my money.

Please note, this is a general complaint to the Ether. I'm not naming any names, or naming any specifics, so I am not somehow throwing anyone under the bus publicly in any way shape or form.

Hmm, need to get some models made for some of my other characters, maybe ones that can be exported to SFM or something like that, see if anyone wants to take a crack at Straxus the Bronto

I cant even begin to tell you all how hard it is being Libertarian. Things where so...so much easier when I was a leftist 10 years ago. 2010.

I have lost friends, been proverbially spit on, told I'm a Nazi or a fascist because of my hobbies, I'm so alone.

According to others, both here and elsewhere I'm ignorant, stupid, dumb, a yokel, a redneck, white trash, and other slurs related to my Italian heritage.

Its all so utterly tiresome. So tiresome.

Apparently some people have been talking behind my back about how my characters are hot, but how its such a shame about how I'm a "Right Wing Nazi".

First off, if you think that, fuck you for calling me a Nazi without evidence.

Second off, if you tell others that behind my back, fuck you for not having the stones to say it to my face.

Third off, if you think that or tell others that, you don't know a god damn thing about me, so how about you, I don't know, ASK what I actually believe or what I find to be true rather than just assuming it because of badges I have in my profile.

Yes, I'm a member of the NRA Furs FA group, no, its not a "Hate Group", and if you genuinely believe that, then you have no bloody concept of what Hate even means.