You know what sucks? Being scared of talking to someone you recently rubbed the wrong way. So intimidated and petrified, that you freeze right up. Afraid you'll somehow get them angry at you again, afraid you'll say the wrong thing, or give off the wrong impression, or what ever.

Now I've got a knot in my stomach, fuck me..

Got the gas tank for my race car dropped, wasn't as bad as I thought it was, though I still lost a shirt, and jeans to the gasoline, the smell just wouldn't come out.

Need to pick up some epoxy for fuel tanks from Permetex to get it re-sealed, and see how it holds up for this Saturday.

Eh, on another note, still bleh.

Eh, well, a weekend of racing, or at least pit-crewing for my friend is a bit of a stress reliever, this 3 day weekend is awfully nice at the moment.

Its a nice distraction, not having to think about anything else. But now, I'm on eggshells again as far as my thoughts are concerned..also kinda just...still blugh, I just dont know ya know? About this whole situation my last few journals have been about.

What a week its been, arguments with good friends, horrible things to realize about one's self, massive panic attack, a hangover due to the fact I got drunk to take the edge off said panic attack, and finally, FINALLY when I think the week might end better?

I'm drilling a couple holes in the floor of my Bump-to-Pass circle track car to drain water after washing it, I forget the old addage of look before you drill.

I freaking drilled a god damn hole into my gas tank, so no racing this weekend.

Seriously?

Fuck.
My.
Life.

How does one get over someone when you find out they're unattainable? That they'll never return your feelings?

Especially if someone else you know also has feelings for them, but this other someone..there is just no way in hell you can compete with them?

I've never thought in a million years, that I would ever get a crush on someone, especially on something as unreal as the internet. Go figure, but, I got jealous, and maybe got obsessive because of it.

I want to turn the switch off, I really do, because I dont have a hope in hell. I wish I could have just swallowed it, dismissed it as something stupid. Maybe I wouldn't feel so horrible.

Back in about 2007, I was two years into my job at Best Buy, one of the stores near where I lived. The prior day, at a place called Jackson Prairie Speedway, it was a Saturday, and about 100 degress in jackson valley. I pit crewed for my best IRL friend, who ran ministocks there. One of the people who was there, a racer named Renny, was sponsored by a company called Wired X energy drinks. I made the mistake of having one, as they were free and ice cold...1500mg of Taurine, then had one later, 350mg of guarana and caffine. On the way home, I started shaking uncontrollably, pulled over to vomit, and so on.

Somehow went to bed, the next morning, symptoms returned, and I drove to work.

I started feeling anxious, frightened, petrified even, and sad...started crying, and before I was sent home, I started hyperventalating, collapsed near the Loss Prevention desk, screaming my lungs raw. They rolled me over on my side, called 911 Emergency, and I was taken to Hospital on a gurney.

That was when I was diagnosed as having Depression Disorder, with Anxiety.

For the last few years, I have been on 40mg of fluoxetine, (generic prozac) to combat this, but it leaves me with some un-normal social tendencies, stuff I have gone to therapy for, and stuff I deseperately try to fix.

Unfortunately, I still continue to this day to have panic attacks, but I know the signs, and thought I had managed them.

Except today, I got sent home from work for shaking, vomiting, crying, and now I'm at home, no Lorazepam, just a bottle of wine.

Hooray.

Edit: 12:35PM 5/24/21012

MNIO

Uhg, I mean, now Im gompletely shit tossfhedg. Fuck, I mean, now I'm completely shittossed. Hooooray for dulling a panic attack when alcohol is all ya gott. And hooray for numbing increidble, gratuitous anmounts of emotional pain. Cause seriously, I'm com-letley, cvompmye, cp,. compltely asbsolujtely PISSED out of my mind after a bottle of wine, a beer bottle, anfc a bottle of cider after getting sent home from work due to my awesome p[anic attack. So, yeah, alcohol, REALLY is good at numbing emotional pain, especially VAST amounts of it that get dumped on you all at once.




...hjooray..hooray...hooray...,

Old journal was old, had to push that message down,  misfitscribbles I dont believe is accepting more slots.

 misfitscribbles is offering 30 slots at 30 dollars a piece, colored, money up front (which he doesnt like doing) to get a new pc as his old one is dying/dead!

Halulu, and all my Gundarii, AND me, demand you go over there and get a slot!

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3408615/

Eh, wanted to bump off the previous journal finally.

Interested in getting Halulu in pics now with other people as I have plenty of her by herself. Anyone who's willing to go halves for example on one.

So, anyone watching tempted?

Some simply rules: Halulu's big, she just is, she wont shrink, so keep that in mind if you want to get nailed by her. Mainly, she's completely and utterly dominant, however, if you could break her like she breaks others? Like, if you outclass her in height, weight, muscle, endowment, she'd probably lust after you.

Feel free to reply, or note me with artist suggestion, and your idea and I'll think about it.


Also, the art whore in me decides its time to give permission for gift art, any and all, if you wanna draw Halulu, go for it!

So, its time for a new Halulu pic, probably a detailed black and white, just her. Ideas for poses, backgrounds, ect, I need them! Gimmie! Can be tame, nude, hardcore, but its just her in the pic. I wont be offended by any ideas (except scat or something like that), so lets see just how many Halulu fans are out there.

Uploaded a lot of new pics I've gotten of my charachters, let me know what you think! I need to get some more hardcore pics of them done, kinda for example show how much of a body breaker Halulu actually is. =P

In any case, enjoy them!

Like, three journal entries in like five years. I am the most horrible journal keeper alive, blugh!

So, anyway, lots of stuff happened since last post, and I might talk about that in the future, but for now, this post will involve something different. The characters I have created, and to a greater extent, the species of some of those characters.

My main character of course is Kyu, the giant red Gundarii Warrior I've had some commissions for. There is also Jai, a bigger black Gundarii warrior who towers a bit over Kyu, though I dont play him as much, and he seems to be gathering some dust.

Righto! So, what I would like to do, for those of you out there that enjoy Kyu, and perhaps would like to know more about him/the Gundarii in general, feel free to ask my over IM, in notes, or in a response to this journal questions you have about them.

My other character who I play nearly as much as Kyu, is of course, the monstrous Orca SheMale(shebull), Halulu! Very similar in size and build to Kyu, though probably a bit bigger.

I hope to maybe have some descriptions, bios, stuff like that up here in the next few weeks after I kinda plan it out as to what is canon with them, and what is not, as I have had plot bunnies with both, and played them different ways with different people in different situations. BUT I will try to have something up here.

I will try to get a weekly post in here somehow, someway, to those of you who care! (And fuck you if you dont! =) j/k)

Ciao for now!

I havent really updated this journal much, I dunno, I've never really kept up on one, I used to back when I was in high school..I had so much to angst over and so much to vent about, but I find it harder to write down these days than I used to. It seems so much easier to just talk to friends rather than some everything up. I'll try to update more than I did, but I dont know how deep I'll go into stuff.

Uhg, I've been so busy with work, Best Buy around holidays just gets so so shithouse, its insane. I've been driving myself bonkers of my Language Theory class as well. As I write this I have a bit of a headache, its thanksgiving break, but that also means its one more black friday I thought I could avoid, but alas, one more black friday to spend with best buy.....ohhhh boy. Anywho, thought I'd get a buzz, and I hope to post more stories and art of my lovely lovely Gundarii charachters (and about their race, this will be Gundarii central), as I havent ever really put much about them down on paper since their creation.

And a few of my non-Gundarii charachters hopefully might surface as soon as I can afford to get a few more comissions.

Thanks for watching!

-Kyu

So yeah, I've never posted here before so here we go.

School is nuts right now, last quarter, doing ok so far and midterms are next week. Fun fun fun. Racing starts this saturday, a nice trip up to Port Angeles...two hours in a work truck pulling a trailer, uhg. I dont drive the race car, pit guy, its tons of fun for me though.

Beyond that just digging that awesome pic of Jai that modem did, something about powerful, godly hung, godly strong guys just turns me on to be honest, dont know what it is, probably aint normal but hey.

Anywho, I'm no artist so don't expect much outside of favorites, but we'll have to see how it goes.

-Kyu aka Alabar aka Kaumana