I consider myself pretty mastered sexually, so that I'm not an irrational pervert or anything.. But damnit, I still have my instances. This is what happens when I'm femally deprived and geeked on caffeine while playing Second Life. All she did was type laughter responses and I kept yakking away anyway. :P.

[21:08] Aury Rote: holy damn some furs crack me up.. I see this awesome machine avatar based off of your fox.. and he decides to throw a penis on.
[21:09] Mephitis Jezebel: HAHAHA XD
[21:11] Aury Rote: I gotta tell ya. in the fur fandom, we really hit high highs andlow lows in personalities.
[21:12] Mephitis Jezebel: hehe yeah X3
[21:12] Aury Rote: that almost reminds me of the time someone had that cool aid man avatar and stuck a penis on it as well.
[21:13] Mephitis Jezebel: LMAO
[21:15] Aury Rote: I recently saw this drawing of a fur dancing to music in underwear.. and the caption said "What's better than dancing to tunes in your underwear?" and I thought.. "Snuggling for hours on end in underwear of course!"
[21:19] Mephitis Jezebel: X3
[21:19] Aury Rote: oh god, here I go with the undies again.
[21:20] Aury Rote: you know what I should do one of these days? Make a big long rack, and any time I lose myself into the thought of undies, hang one onto said rack.
[21:22] Mephitis Jezebel: I should send you a pack of frilly pink girl's panties for x-mas >:D
[21:22] Aury Rote: haha. Remember last year how you said you loved candy? I ought to send you a big package of it to ya some day.
[21:23] Aury Rote: ..but my nosy family would wonder what I'm doing with a box of FPU.
[21:23] Aury Rote: OH I DON"T KNOW TO FIX THE DRAPES
[21:25] Mephitis Jezebel: X3
[21:25] Aury Rote: but the frills have to be soft, silky and short. best frills ever.
[21:25] Aury Rote: oh gawd, and now I'm describing the optimum pair.
[21:39] Aury Rote: undiiiies.
[21:40] Mephitis Jezebel: XD
[21:40] Aury Rote: damnit, now I'm horny.
[21:42] Aury Rote: I need unf. and not just any unf. unfyunfyunf unf.
[21:43] Aury Rote: with undies.
[21:43] Mephitis Jezebel: rofl
[21:45] Aury Rote: I'm logging this in livejournal, yo.

Alright, it's blatantly obvious that I'm struggling all to heck in art right now..

I can't draw with anything but flash decently. I can't sketch with open canvas.. Hell, I can't do ANYTHING with open canvas. I can't use any other program but flash for my works..

I lost my sense of perspective and imagination. I can't visualize my art the way I used to anymore. I want it back.

Almost all sketching and inking tutorials are way beyond my comprehension. I'm a dumb bolt that can't figure them out. I can't learn from what teaches me.

I can't get practice in. Because I keep frustrating over my disappointment and stopping.

<.< now you know.

Art.

Is frigging.

Impossible.

I.

Fail.

At drawing.

From  skyshadow

Interview the Character!
To put it simply, ask the character a question / questions that you would like to know about him/her and the character would answer it to the best of his/her ability.

Character of choice: Kirei the Raptress - http://www.furaffinity.net/view/577088/

Ask any questions at all! n.n

Bwaha. I'm gonna let this entry serve as a chuckle and opinion. Here's a photo I sent to this website..

http://www.hotornot.com/r/?eid=RZSMSRG&key=SBJ

I'm sure most of you all have heard of the website www.hotornot.com . I gotta say.. I got curious. So I took a photo of myself.. After the day was over, I ended up with a score of 8.3 out of 10 from 23 total votes. Though another picture of mine ended up as 3.5 out of 10 (Can't remember vote total) Simply because I had a meaner facial expression and sunglasses. And my skin just looked different due to the coloring of my low quality cam.

I got curious.. but after frittering a few hours here, I think it's safe to say that website is kinda shallow. Apparently they have meeting services as well. Nothing like validating people on their looks, huh? *rolls his eyes*

Looks can only get one so far methinks.. Personality, personality, personality!

My great grandfather has died. One of my closest family members. My grandparents are some of the most friendly people I know of.. My grandfather had something that I do not. He had peace of mind.. He was happy with his life. That alone really made me look up to the man. He, his wife often spent a lot of personal time with me and my sister, and gave us many things. He had a great sense of humor and a lovely wife by his side.

This is the first time I've ever felt the pain of loss. I'm currently already totalled by my current self loathing, my loneliness, and everything I spite about myself. I've never dealt with two weights of sadness on my shoulders alone. But i feel so selfish that I'm not paying absolute homage to my grandfather, who rightfully deserves to be put before me.

Gosh, This is too much to bear. It seems like every time I try to bring myself back up to my feet, I crumble off of them the moment I do.

My grandfather himself though.. he was such an amazing, healthy guy.. at pushing 88, he was still able to drive and walk without any dependence on anything. I just... can't put it into exact words the greatness of him. Just like I can't believe the magnitude of my sadness.

I'm sorry my words have failed you, Grandfather.. The sadness is almost overwhelming.. if only I was in a better frame of mind..

Rest well, Grandfather..

You know what? I hear a lot about human intelligence, or rather, human stupidity. My current nutshelled theory on it is "Even when one is smart, one can be dumb." What this implies is that human intelligence is limited, but stupidity is not. Meaning that no matter how smart you are, you are still vulnerable to failing or screwing up epically. But the overall factor of intelligence seems to lay within whom screws up the least, and makes the smallest intellectual failures.

But another thing I wonder, is human intelligence genetic/inherited? Because if that's true, I think I can point out one thing that might have a factor.. Umongst a lot of my friends, often whom I consider relatively smart, seem to loathe the idea of having offspring. And yet we got a whole bunch of these promiscuous individuals, whom seem to have little intelligence potential, going around shagging and ditching each other to become solo mothers, whom are also of bad stereotypes, raising kids on minimum wage, some singlehandedly having roughly almost 10 kids. But the same can be applied to those who have settled down. There was this one amish family who had like 12 kids, their excuse being that god told them it was a good idea. That's a pretty skewed ratio in regards to the future generation.

Just some thought I picked up off the top of my head. Kudos to you brilliant minds with big families for bringing good into the gene pool. :P

Have you ever hit that point in your artistic life where you just feel like your art skills are absolute ass? I know I am. I do have a select couple of people who enjoy my art..but it doesn't help me from saying that I'm far from even content with my art..

I can't find help. I can't find comprehensive material to learn from, nor can I find anyone willing to mentor me. Those who I ask help for that are better than me tend to not help me at all due to thinking that what they know is beyond my comprehension. It sucks.. I have no way of learning.

What's paining me the most right now is my sense of perspective. It's absolute crap. I can't think in different angles or use my imagination to think of different angles.. And it is this that mangles my anatomy.

I got no foundation for improvement now. And I badly want to improve. Even if I practice, I'll be practicing everything wrong.

(+++) This like whoa...
(++) Oh my! <3
(+) I like it
(~) Indifferent/undecided
(-) Not my thing
(--) Turn-off
(---) My mouse is on its way to Back button
(?) Never saw that before

This wasn't the best fetish quiz out there.. It lacked a lot of options it seems. The biggest grievance was how they made "baby" synonymous with "diaper", which I promptly took out. No wonder is earns a --- all the time because it's NOT AWWWWWWWWRIGHT. Diapers are a kinky thing in itself, and shouldn't have to be related to the current ills out there, like the reputation of babyfurs or pedophilia. or scat, or watersports.. u.u

The quiz was also lacking in the more gentle, loving spectrums like being held and protection.

Anal on Males (-)
Anal on Females (-)
Breasts (~)
Breast Expansion (-)
Weight Gain (-)
Bondage (+)
Clothing (+++) ((This one's a creative one. I love loincloths.. frilly pink undies..))
Leather (+)
Stockings (+)
Shoe/Boots (+)
Suit and Tie (~)
Muscle, Male (+)
Muscle, Female (++)
Herm (---)
Cub (---)
Diaper (+++)
Transformation (~)
Macro/Micro (+) ((Only when the size difference doesn't exceed 20 feet.. :P ))
Impregnation (-)
Pregnancy (-)
Lactation (-)
Vore (+)
Paw/Foot (~)
Incest (-)
Yuri (F/F) (~)
Yaoi (M/M) ~)
Hetero (M/F) (+)
Bi (---) ((Haven't had good experiences with bisexuality, especially since a big number of them are much more perverted than myself and insist that I have homo in me :/))
Girly Boys (~) ((I want my girly GIRLS DAMNIT, THEY HARDLY SEEM TO EXIST))
Butch Girls (~)
Mind Control (-)
Rape (---)
Uniform (-)
Orgy (+) ((All depends..))
Subbing/Domming (+++) (Worship me, and I may yet be merciful!))
Biting (~)
Cheesecake (~)
Solo Masturbation (+)
Scat (---)
Inflation (~)
Fat/Pudge (-) ((Alot of people love this, but it's all cool.))
Tech (~)
Watersports (--)
Glasses (+)
Tentacles (~)
Oviposition (-)
Masochism (-)
Sadism (-)
Multiple body parts (~)
Partial Nudity (+++) ((I love a tease.))
Gore/guro (--)
Snuff (+) ((Only in vore!))
Hyper (---)
Zoophilia (~)
Electricity/e-stim (-)
She-males (-)
Cross-dressing (~)
Skunk spray (~)
Oral (+++)
Asphyxiation (~)

I want to thank you all for the huge amount of practically needed feedback on my past journal entry.

I noticed a huge chunk of you do your sketches traditionally. Which is something I should get into the habit of again. I lack a scanner and feel confused as to go abouts digital transition. That and I seek to learn traditional on a more separate term.

But my ultimate question now is.. I wonder what would be my best means to a digital sketch?

Inking and coloring will have to wait.. but I also have ideas for them as well.

I think it just hit me that I got my ass kicked in open canvas. I noticed alot of skilled artists don't use the circle sketch method.

I take frigging FOREVER to draw ANYTHING. and it's really frustrating as an artist since I don't want to be a michaelangelo. But damnit, I shouldn't have to spend four tofive hours on a freakin' sketch..

Hey there folks.. Just a journal entry thinking about self-popularity again..

One of my bigger motives for popularity is that I love feedback on my art. When people tell me that they like the drawing, the flaws of my drawings, sharing of ideas, even red outlinings from superior artists, I appreciate it when I get alot of positive or constructive feedback from people who visit my page.

But I noticed that despite having a decent number of watchers, that I haven't been getting a lot of feed back.. It leaves me wondering why.

But while I'm wondering why I get a lack of feed back, I also want to ask you people. What would you expect from me in the FA community? Let me know your suggestions.. like my art, feedback here helps!

woohoo! I just got a wacom tablet, the Bamboo! I think it's a.. 4 by 5.. or something..

This is the part where I have to practice my skills as an artist..

Is there anybody here willing to mentor me on anatomy, poses, and general use of the tablet?

I seriously have the urge to learn now..

Just because I can't get over how hilarious it is to drop a Road Roller, here's a video of one flattening a car.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ad4OfGOpNZ4

WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Hey folks! I'm gonna take a breather from request for the next few piccies.. I have a few ideas that I need to jot down.

I also ordered a wacom bamboo tablet a couple days ago! You could be looking at art improved tenfold when I get it.. no guarantees that it'll be tenfold, but I'm HOPING it'll make me do digital art better..

Pardon this entry for anyone not into reading emo entries[read:are insensitive] But damn.. this is something I need to get out of my system.

Simply put, I'm lonely as heck here. Alot of the people who I've been really close to have really drifted apart from me, and I find myself missing them. But worse are these damned crushes I keep developing. I've been developing crushes left and right. The kind of crush where you want to have something very sensual happen and to commit an extent of devotion to someone. Though a lot of these have been forming onto females that I know or meet.

Many of these crushes have failed due to various outcomes. Fortunately I've been able to accept the failure. But I find myself waking up feeling empty about my existance constantly.

This one crush I've now developed was on a fellow fur that is way out of my league. I'll leave it at that, but this is what I'm going through. Fawning over people that seems hopeless to pull off even getting anywhere close to them, let alone trying to partner off.

*sigh* And I know exactly why all of this is happening..

[A] - Available?
As in single? very.

[B] - birthday?
June 16th

[C] - crushing?
I've been developing crushes left and right. I just don't want to admit them directly to those I have said crushes on out of fear of rejection!

[D] - drink you had last ?
Coke

[E] - easiest person to talk to?
Shel, Byron

[F] - fav. color(s)?
None

[G] - gummy bears or gummy worms?
Either

[H] - hometown?
T-Dot!

[I] - ill?
Not in years.

[J] - juggle?
Naw.

[K] - killed someone?
Hmm, definitely no if you mean literally.

[L] - longest car ride?
3 hours?

[M] - milkshake flavor?
Banana?

[N] -number of sibilings?
3

[O] - one wish?
To be happy. Either that or an all-powerful guy like the Silver Surfer.

[P] - person you called last?
My old Man.

[Q] - queer?
Can't say I am.

[R] - reasons to smile?
http://img166.imageshack.us/img166/.....0743341zy1.jpg

[S] - song you last heard?
Killswitch Engage - When Darkness Falls

[T] - time you woke up this morning?
I think it was at 1? I really snoozed this time.

[U] - underwear?
Boxers, Briefs, diapers, loincloths. IS THAT A GOOD ENOUGH ANSWER!?

[V] - vegetarian?
lulz!

[W] - worst habit?
misinterpreting others.

[X] - xrays you had?
One of my back.

[Y] - your number of friends on myspace/aim/msn/yim

im:10
aim: 39
msn:46

[Z] - zodiac sign?
Not really valuable to me.

I'm risking infamy here but..

The new update for Smash Bros. Brawl with Sonic being in it just happened.

I can't even process a logical reaction to this, except to say that a part of me inside just became an hero.

That game means alot to me.. I understand the entry of third party characters, but.. Sonic..

Do you consider yourselves to have a vivid imagination? I fear I'm losing my own, and I don't. How do you guys hang onto it and utilize it so well?

So I went out to meet a fur in RL today. And for some reason, despite it all being good and doing a few fun things, I was provided good hospitality, but I left with a greater feel of loneliness than from before. Why I feel this way is beyond me.

It's probabally because I always feel out of place, and that I have yet to feel like I belong somewhere.. It is because I doubt myself too much.. Because I have convinced myself that I am unlovable. Yes, there IS someone out there for me. But I will never find that someone..

This is because I'm too emotionally dependant for anyone. I require too much to be happy. And I will never find someone who could fulfill such happiness..

One thing that's frustrating about being a newb artist is that I higly doubt I'll ever find someone who will mentor me in artistic skills to teach me anything. No anatomy, coloring, inking or anything.. One thing I don't like is how so many artists have chosen to ignore me time and time again despite countless approaches, not even responding to a hello.. leaves ya feelin' kinda rejected.

But no matter who, they don't deserve to be picked on by me, simply because they don't owe me anything. They don't even have to acknowledge my presence, and they don't have to initiate an approach of any kind.

It just feels like a bit of a downer when a huge number of them choose to do so, and to do it every time..

Many years have I grown with a sadness inside of my mind. And yet I can never find myself the happiness I desire. There is so little peace of mind, and so much turmoil inside the subconsciousness of my thoughts, and yet, my troubles are nothing vast, and my life calm. I am unable to find the answers to be happy with myself, but nobody seems to be able to achieve a peace of mind or happiness that I've longed for all my life. What is true happiness? Is there a way to identify what it really is? Just once do I long for the enlightenment of this feeling, to be away from sorrow and inner conflict, and to be in a mind-world of goodness.

There is so much I want to accomplish in this life. There is so much I want to master. But why could I desire mastery over so many things, when I cannot even master my own being? I want to master being an artist.. a vocalist.. a wise man.. a fighter.. a lover.. an empath.. a business.. and yet I can't even make progress towards mastering myself. Many times in the few years I have been alive, I have I failed myself and doubted my own self with no way to trust myself. It is this own self mastery which I am unable to find the answers for, and make progress towards? What must I do to be content with my own being?

But happiness seems so vague, so unpredictable.. happiness can come from humor.. accomplishment.. indulging in personal interests.. love.. yet for this drake, in doing all the aforementioned, the sadness overshadows it by far. Is this overshadowing normal? Many people have had bad lives, that so much here leads to so much misery. sadness and bad intentions seemingly overdo everything else that is happy and good in the world. This type of turmoil seems to serve as an obstacle not only towards my own joy, but the joy towards high portion of those here as well.

I am rather philosophical tonight.. when sadness deprives me of the feelings that I long for, I can only wonder why, and long for the answers.

Well first and foremost, I got alot of watches over the past few days! Just to quiz on all you new watchers.. I want to know why? n.n

and comments.. There are two things I need to address about comments..

1) I need to comment on people's material more. Because I should be doing this more than I am.. I don't do it enough.

2) I need people to comment on my material more! Because I LOVE them, and feedback/critique on art always helps.

I got some stuffs to work oooonn.

</sugar>

Something tells me that I'm socially inept to the point that I'm cursed to never have a female relationship that won't even happen, let alone last..

I really wish I could experience something like this while I'm young, but it seems that I'm not supposed to.

The 2k get has passed.. but I don't think anyone had the screenshot! It's a pity.. I was considering giving a kiriban to the next 2k getter.. but Nyah. I think I can reserve one for 3000.

Also, This week has been full of highs and lows.

The lows was that I almost lost my wallet that had my SIN card in it! I just realized that it was in there, and a classmate gave me my wallet back.. shit.. That guy's gonna have some great karma for that gesture.. but I can't believe how badly I fooked up there.. as if mistaking an commissioner for an artist wasn't bad enough.. I seem to outdo my own stupidity sometimes. But that's okay.. Human intelligence is limited, while stupidity is not. Even when one is smart.. one can be dumb.

I will leave all my important cards at home from here on. That was a big mistake I had learned the hard way. It was a blessing that my wallet was given back to me.. Given he didn't check my number, I could have had my frigging identity taken.

Also.. Today kinda sucked in RL.. I had to take the day off school for my mental help. Two problems involving that. One, I forgot ((again, being stupid assed)) to get a doctor's note.. and I couldn't recall my school to call them in about my absence. That's gonna cost me.

Two, The damned woman diagnosed me with asperger's syndrome. I didn't know what it was until I researched it.. and when I did, I just thought to myself "what a load of cockadookey." The ONLY thing that seemed to have matched me and asperger's was the fact that I had a crappy social life as a kid. But you can't grab things like that by the home. I will rant about it in another journal entry.

But there were good stuff this week as well. I met alot of awesome new people on the internets! And I got drawn a bunch!

outside of FA, I met this incredible Bat ((I'll keep her name out for now..)) Who was quite smart, sensible, and oh so fun to flirt and have fun with. She has a history of troubles as well, but she seems to bear it well. Her fortitude is something to look up to. She claims to be a female in RL as well.. but I can only take her word for it for now.. ((I had been lied to about this before.))

And I want to thank everyone who has drawn Aury in the recent days. ((Don't smite me if I leave your name out!))

 lysozyme
 venothaya
 slutmut
Kazanthi
 chiger
 mocha_mephooki

Just to name a few. Thank you all SO much for the up and coming of this n00b artist, and those who kept me company as well. n.n