I feel emptiness where my companions once stood. I took them all for granted and now, I have...nothing. All there is are just... memories. Painful memories.

The good that once was, and the bad that lingers evermore.

A World Undone and so it had begun.

What have I done, rat. What have I done?. The world of mine has truely been undone. It was my fault rat, it was truly my fault. All the bridges that were are all long gone. What have I done rat, what have I done?? I driven my land into darkness and filled it with despair.

My tears poor out rat, they pour out so much. It drowned out the color now and left me with only one. I let out my anxieties rat, I let out my anger and my fears. Now the monsters roam freely and the happiness of the land has all but disappeared.

Mr.Rat, Mr.Rat, what am I to do. I am alone here waiting for you. With no friends and my demons running about, I wait in darkness for you to come too. Save me Rat, save me, please do! Put an end to this misery, this torment and this pain. Put an end to me and let me be free. Please Mr.rat, please come too. Isle Pilikuto is calling for you, its calling you home. It's calling you.

"I'll be there soon."
Chapter 1:

Have a good day everyone!

Today is Gym day for me!

Its time I face the truth and stop hiding within every crack and shadow. Its time I face judgement for what I've done. I'm not a very good person, I'm a terrible friend and I feel no one should really like me. I am a bad guy, apparently. I can't hold conversations, I fail to be engaging, I don't really do many social things like playing videos games with people, and everyone assumes I hate them or something, when I just don't have many opinions on anything.

As a person right now, I'm lost, Im sad. I lost the my best friend / the person I really love during decemember because Im a terrible person who couldn't control his feelings. Lets face it I was abusive (mentally) and I don't deserve that person. I don't really deserve anyone. I never called him stupid or insult him, I tried to be supportive, but honestly I don't... remember any of the bad stuff I've ever did to the person. I just feel that I'm bad, and I lost my best friend, the person I love and I can't personally fill the void. I want him back, but he deserves better. I miss everything about him, but theres nothing there for me and everyone (his friends) consider me as a monster and they're right. He was the only thing that made me happy through... I miss all the good times I had with him, the friends I made, the adventures I had with him. Watching him to continue to grow as an artist, as a friend and spending time with him. I really miss that. I really miss him. Nothing can really fill this pain I am having. I'm a mess.

I just wanted to get this journal out there because I need to accept the fact that. I'm a mistake and I feel instead of bottling my feelings inside, why not let it out and recieve the full punishment of the people around me. Let people know, how I feel. I lost the love of my life because I can't mentally control my emotions and it allowed my world to crumble before me. I... I'm sorry. I miss you. I hate myself everyday cause I lost you. If only I could of been a better person. If only I wasn't me.

I miss him. So very much. I can't bare with the pain anymore. I am a monster.

Been playing quite a number of games as of late and wanted to start talking about them for some reason, So here goes:

Champions Online
I've been playing Champions online again. I decided to see how many achievements I could get since the last time I played it was on a non-steam account. I managed to create a number of my npcs as free to play characters (i.e Silver Account Archetype Characters), and best of all get one of them to level 32! I'll be playing that character later today because of my goal to unlock The Void Archetype from the Nightmare event, that and to reach my main to cap level. I do want to brag about my character for a bit, their not anything special but I love the fact that I made a number of my ocs into actual characters within the game. So far I have seven character, them being: Acheron, Axelshane (Main), Creed, Eraudo, Fin, Martin, Trade, Wallace. If you want to know more about them hit me up. I honestly really hope to play with people on there so if you want to hit me up on champions online do that as well! I really have to adventure with one of my favorite artist friends  HunterBahamut someday! Hope you get your computer fixed my dude!

Pathfinder
 RunawayDanish had created a pathfinder game a while back that I decided to take a part of. My character is a Wusklin (custom made character) named Jadugaar, He's an Alchemist! I've been having a great time playing Zano's Pathfinder game! This session was a fun one as we got to explore some mines! I'm glad I got to play with some amazing people within the game such as  Tala128 Everyone in the pathfinder group is really great and I admire Zano as a DM! Keep up the amazing work man I can't wait until the next session in 2-weeks bound!

Super Smash Brothers Ultimate
I play smash brothers ultimate, but most days I play with my amiibos: I got like six so far, but I totally want to get the Piranha plant Amiibo when it comes out. He's going to be my personal practice buddy as I try to main the character. I mean when I first saw that teaser trailer of the character my heart lit up yo and I decided he's gonna be my main / waifu. It's not weird!!! YOUR WEIRD! Anyways yeah I been playing the game like hell. I like leveling up my amiibos and teaching them stuff such as taunts! Its really silly but its fun! I recently got two new amiibos (Martin, and Wolf) to join my collection. If you are wondering here is my current collection!:
(Yellow) Yoshi: Gary
(Johto League) Pikachu: Aonolk
(Yellow) Bowser: Ethan
(Purple) Greninja: Croak
(Green) Lucario: Martin
(Lightblue Jacket) Wolf: Diggory

If you are interested in being my switch buddy don't be shy to ask! I'll accept you as a friend! I mean if you are cool and stuff haha. Like I consider a lot of people cool so never undershoot yourself. I don't ever actually hate anyone! I don't know where I am going with this... I'm sorry!!!

Minecraft: Patch 1.3
 TripleJ a talented artist invited me to his Minecraft realm and I was like "Sure I'll play with you!". The last time I played minecraft was a while ago back in patch I guess 1.2? Anyways, I ended up making me a new skin! An actual Axelshane skin to go with me finally! I haven't yet showed TripleJ in game, but I can't hella wait yo! I'm super proud of it haha! Honestly I haven't met him in the realm at all, but I hope to see them there! I played there yesterday working on my house in his world! I hope to create amazing strange landmarks that he'll hate me for! Adventure awaits for me there whenever I get the chance to play!

[EDITED]
Kingdom hearts 3
I forgot to mention I am playing kingdom hearts 3 AHHH! I forgot to mention that, but I had champions online daily on my brain so it slipped my mind! Yeah I'm playing kingdom hearts 3, even through I never have played the last 11ish games of the series! but hey! I'm having a blast with the game! Can't wait to play more later today ;D
[EDITED]

I've been lax on any artwork and I must apologize for that. I do want to work on a comic series, its been a real goal of mine and I'm gathering as many notes as I can before actually working on the series. I also do plan on doing adult art, I know there are quite a number of followers wanting that, that follow me and I'll be happy to oblige. Anyways will be doing a comic thing soon with art. - Much Love AXELSHANE

I wonder if he misses me sometimes.

I've never been a person with good communicate skills. I've always tried to communicate with people, make friends and seek happiness from that. I don't try hard enough though or I'm always afraid of communicating with people due to the option of failure or just not really wanting people to know much about me. I have a fear of people finding out about myself and I don't like people assuming my personality over the way I act, its weird!! Then again, I don't really know how I act towards people. I always felt like I've change my personality based towards someone. I really don't know who I am as a person.

Last December was pretty much the worst month and it somewhat seeps towards this month as well. I'm highly troubled by it, but I don't want to speak about it y'know? A lot of shit happened and I am not stupid enough to not notice it was because of previous issues that went on with myself. I don't really feel comfortable about talking about it. I don't want to talk about it, I just want to move on with the crap that happened from December and recover from it. However at the moment of time I just choose not to and I hate myself for it. I guess its because its such a fresh wound in my mind and it effects me a lot. Yet I find myself learning a lot about myself from the explosion.

Before December I suffered from anxiety and depression. The Anxiety of my friends and this group I was in. I always freaked out about not losing them and not making them unhappy and it really drove me to be unhappy. This fear, drove me into depression, it motivate me to try and appease something that I felt I really lacked in. I pretty much lacked in communication and humanizing with people. I mean I talk to people, I can relate, but I never am really good with getting close to people past the first week, month or so of the friendship hurtle. I just... everything was so complicated and I feared a lot of myself. I feared myself into getting close with people, with anyone. I've have so many mixed emotions in myself, a lot of conflict at home that I just bottle up and had no real good positive release. It just condense and then I had my friendships and dramas from that. I didn't know how to compute into being a human. All this its all a jumble of issues that drove into me. Excuses but it all sum up with I couldn't handle my situation around me and even the person I am. There's just a lot of regret and all I can say is, that yeah I knew that shit was gonna happen.

I closed my server thinking its over, y'know? like why would I want to run a server with everyone hating me. I felt like I failed everyone because I couldn't control my emotions in the past. I couldn't just talk and yet I still can't talk. I regret leaving my bubble and joining a community because I felt like every time I reach out I dug myself deeper into a hole. I feel like I myself am a monster that can't understand the world around me, but I continue every single day trying to figure out who I am. I feel like I have no common ground with anyone, I try to, but look at what it has gotten me too.

I just can't understand and part of me is scared of finding out the answer. I'm sorry new and old friends that I failed you in our friendships. I'm sorry.

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I've been trying to build a reference with my characters lately, been working on clothes on them. Not only that, I've also been redesigning them as well. I like them a lot, like hella a lot, but not all of them are there.
Creed, Croak, Diggory, Eraudo, Fin, Martin, Scarab, Trevor, Wallace, and Xavier are still missing still. I might post what I got so far on here, just because they look so pretty, well I mean minus Ethan. I kinda wanna redraw is expression. I'm not personally happy with it. I mean jeeze if you can see it, its like woah Kukki, Lanius, Neal they all look so snazzy and nice, its pretty cool.

The thing I posted on the top was a little thing I saved up, on the side of doing art I like to work on minor project in so called "Experimental games" prototypes of things I could maybe do? The thing was the idea of how a clock would work. I wanted to do something with making a clock in multimedia fusion 2, it came up pretty cool, I ended up messing up and instead of like "Saving" the time and being able to reload it, I didn't notice I set it up as all counters were saving for one counter. Imagine 3 counters; Day, Hour and Minute, right? Well I was created a placeholder conditions where it would "Save" the all three counters for the day ini, and so when it loaded that ini it ended up doing nothing, It did something but it made no sense. I think it lightly save the hours or minutes, but the days kept reverting back to zero and that was like super frustrating.

The next side project I want to do with the game is the idea of planting a tree, and waiting 3 in-day games for it to grow. I should explain how time would work in the project though. The counters are set for every minute = 1 second, every 60 seconds = 1 hour, and every 24 hours = 1 day. Yet during this silly prototype thingy I've spend up the minutes into 1 milliseconds for whatever. I'll keep you updated with what I come up with. My goals aren't that entertaining, I wanted to do something simplistic, planting trees, watching them grow. All in good fun! <3

In gaming news, I spent time playing the new Smash game. I enjoy it quite a lot, it lets me spend time with my friend, also with my amiibos. I know "You bought those silly things?" Yeah, I'm honestly a sucker for the idea, y'know? I mean the concept sold me; Buy a figurine, and teach / level and play with it as your own personal companion / training buddy. I'm still said that is quite limited into the game, but oh well, its still fun harnessing my skills from them. I have like 5 amiibo's and silly enough I named them after my ocs! I'll be glad to talk all about my amiibos later, but for now I want to continue on what other games I played. So I also played Pokemon Let's go Pikachu, It's been quite fun, and just recently I was playing [EA] star wars battlefront 2. I'm enjoying the campaign for what it is. I'm really in the mood to play some Starbound and maybe finish Let's go Pikachu. Geeze I got like a hell list of games I want to play. Maybe one day I'll even finish the Digimon: Next Order game. I need to tackle that ugh!

Oh and for comics, I should try doing some random 1-shot comics, my friend has been talking to me about four panel comics, where the set up is; Setting / Setup, Progression, Falling Action, and Conclusion. It seems like an interesting setup, I might try it soon. I'm still working on finishing the clothing of my characters, but I will post a comic page I was working on. I don't know if I should continue working on the imagine, or progress the image of it. Hmm. I think personally I should work on the background a little more. I dunno, Hey its 4AM, I probably should snooze.

Hello 2019!

I was planning to take a 2-3 month break, but I feel somewhat mentally better then how I was in December, so its all good in the hood. I cut ties with quite a few people, its sad, its suck, but whatever. 2019 is a new you and I'm going to keep moving over! So get ready world! I'm coming at you with a new mindset!

Alright so the question is how do I start this year? I got lots of yearly resolutions to get off my chest, stuff I made up on the spot, but hey New years a rolling and I you just got to go with the times. This yeah I'm going to be a lot more socially proactive if I can. the end of 2018 was garbage and I want to just null that whole thing and I guess push forward. As you probably saw I posted like a group of characters and two comic pages and both were fun to make honestly. Quite a number of people likes the comic pages, but I didn't really get kinda the feed back of comments and stuff I was hoping, but its okay! I was elated to show it to people and I appreciated my friend who said something about it. Its really cool y'know! I gotta work out of this weird mentality I've always been having, this expectations of expecting something that I really personally don't know what I want. Its weird, I'm mentally weird and I gotta figure myself out a little more of continue to fix, improve and define who I am as a person.

Anyways Happy late new years! Let's hope for a good year!

Gonna take a break from the fandom. <3 Much love.

I'm going to be a lot more active now on my Twitter and FA, so expect more Art, Journals and Tweets going out on those. I think the best thing for me to do is to build myself as a character? In terms of just better find myself, better work out and around the falls I have as a person and just push myself from my comfort zone. I need to re-evaluate who "Alexander" or "Axelshane" is. I gotta learn to break away from my negativity and my fears and work towards something even if its something small.

I've let my fears taken over my, I let my fears become who I am and I've felt lost because of it, I think its time to crush said fears and push myself out from that bubble. I've lost so much this month, I'm not going to go down not like this... Wish me luck! <3

This month has been utter crap for me, however looking back through the years I can completely understand the explosion and fire that is happening around me. You can't always write off your mistakes if only life was so easy to. The most you really can do is learn from them, let your mistakes be your scars and continue from there on out.

I myself will have to crawl out from a hole I made, and live with the terrible decisions I've done. Stuff I never paid to much upon, that I never thought about until it was too late. I can't show anger towards another person, I can only just accept that I made mistakes, I am human after all and I will have to receive the punishment of those mistakes and learn from them. A task that is scary when alone, a lot of bridges were burn during my reign and as I stand covered in the ash of my sin. I can only wonder what now? Where do I go from here and if there is a chance to amend my actions. So much to figure out... scary stuff my dudes.

Dearest friend

I guess its over now as I tearful wave goodbye. No apology will seem to fix our broken friendship as it sinks to the bottom. All memories sunken in my ill mistakes of my undying rage. I weep for those better types, I weep for us again, yet you and I know it will never come. Its over, you're done and the book is close. Maybe time could heal our woes, but time is a cruel mistress and I can't bear this pain no longer. Day by day I clench my chest hoping it was a nightmare and no more, but alas a nightmare turn reality and thus I cry, but the pain no longer sunders and I know you no longer care. So take your friends, and take self as I say goodbye, take care and I wish for the best, for there shall be no spite from me for I miss thee. It's over isn't it? ... I sigh and say it is and I am sorry. I miss you

Goodbye my love.
Your's truly.

You are all beautiful! <3