If anyone hasnt read the new FA rule update, perhaps you should.

I'm genuinely not sure how long I'm gonna remain unbanned. I know theres 6 months to clear galleries enough to comply with the new rules but going forward with the mental regression rule...I'm not sure how to approach that. Weirdly I think my account is gonna be more impacted by the new rules than this one, which feels super odd.

For me my little side was largely all about the headspace, and lets be clear they're not saying mental regression is banned, just mental regression (and physical regression) which then results in things like diaper changes and breastfeeding is banned.

Its okay for minors to be involved in this content but its not okay if the minor was once an adult because that somehow makes it sexual in some way.

I will say that YES regression is a fetish for me, its something i'm strongly drawn to and I think about daily, what isnt true is that fetishes are automatically sexual. That's a fallacy, but it's FAs website so they can define what they want how they want, they've used HALF the defintion of the dictionarys version of fetish because it makes that simple for them, ignore the intricacies of what most of this community has been trying to explain for the past month. That makes my blood boil truthfully, cherrypicking in that way, but again, it's their site they can do what they want, it's always been that way.


So do I feel welcome and safe here...No. No I haven't felt safe since that initial level 4 week long suspension, and struggling to get straight answers out of FA mods about why certain images were banned, felt like pulling teeth most of the time and downright just soul destroying the rest of the time. However I do feel that FA has clarified their line of thought and I feel that the writing on the wall is clearer now. I feel less unsure about what is breaking the rules even if now MORE stuff is suddenly breaking the new rules. At least its clearer.

Will I be leaving, No, although I can't say for certain how long I will remain unbanned as mental regression can obviously be subjective. I HAVE unsubbed to FA+ (altho its still showing the icon until my monthly cycle ends) I wont be giving FA any more money.

I think it's important to still have a presence here for the time being but ALL of my work will be getting uploaded to my website https://squiggles.ikklespace.net/ (which you can set up a free account to) So when theres suddenly holes in my comics where pages have been deleted you'll have somewhere to keep the continuity.

I still feel that we're all valid for having this need in us. There's nothing wrong with having an inner child and wanting to let that child feel the sun on their face after being stuffed in a closet. My inner child deserves to be free she was locked away for so long and I wont shut her in again. No matter how many folk tell me I'm wrong for having this part of me. This is absolutely the hill I will die on, and proudly so.

Most importantly, please be kind to yourselves okay, It's hard when we put something so vulnerable out online because it makes it easier to be attacked, but I appreciate the people who have shared their inner kid here and elsewhere online, you deserve to be seen and you deserve to be loved

((A very long winding musing of my history, no need to read))

I was thinking a lot about my history and where I came from in terms of where I am now. As most of you know I'm in my forties so for the first 18 years of my life the internet didnt exist. It blows my mind to know that there are adults alive today who didnt know he world before the internet. I suppose its the equivilent of the 1900 folk suddenly getting electricity or cars, its one of those things that irrevocably affects the world.

So anyway I knew I had baby tendencies when I was about 4, The usual story of having too much responsibility from a young age, looking after younger siblings etc etc, but it was hammered home on 2 occasions, one during a storm where i was so terrified i ran to my parents room for comfort then turned me away and refused support, so I had to go back to my own bed whilst a hurricane battered the house and so I hid under my covers and imagined being rocked to sleep like a baby, an that sorta just stuck.

Then when I was 8, Mum forced me into nappies as a punishment for acting childish sure I've read plenty of stories over the years where that happens to someone, but at the time as an 8 year old against an adult, it was not a pleasant experience. I was fighting and kicking and screaming but it still happened, it was completely against my will. i remember feeling so mortified at the time. But again something clicked in me, like a recognition that 'oh hey, mum is actually giving me attention' although it was obviously abusive.

So fast forward to the day the internet came, an I finally had a computer and reliable access, it was super important to me to make a space online for folk like me, I'd seen on programs like jerry springer and eurotrash and the occasional newspaper story where there were some people in the world who wanted to act like babies (always men and always being fairly degenerate because thats the sort of sensationalism the tv shows were after) but was there really lots of us? Up until I was about 16 I thought I was the only one in the world who had this weirdness about me and it was very much a shameful part of my life, thinking there was something wrong with me.

So I set up a yahoo group, I was called babysmig back then (back in the wild west internet days were nothing was sanitized) and ended up creating an Adult baby hub thing in this group, it quickly grew to over 3000 users. SO there WERE people like me out there, although it was more of a sexual thing for a lot of folk on that group, I was still happy to have created something. One morning I woke up and tried to log in only to find my username no longer existed, an actually the group no longer existed and that yahoo had essentially killed lots of accounts and groups overnight. No chance for appeals or objections. It was over. (feels familiar patreon)

It's hard having a community being ripped out from under you, the isolation and then the self loathing creeps in, the purge cycle begins, get rid of everything, I must be wrong to want this...etc etc...
I'm told a lot of the younger generation doesnt go through purge cycles as they were able to use the internet to find support. I wonder how true that is, where a lot of the community here is 18+ (for good reason) but sometimes I think how would 15 year old me have dealt with trying to reach out to folk and being told go away dont come back till your older. Perhaps just knowing that there was a community to come to once I hit that magic age would have been enough. Honestly though I probably would have done the dumbass thing of faking an older account.

Anyway after the yahoo group death I floated around and stumbled on Ageplay.org. (known as guardian island) This was quite an interesting concept for a site as it had a light side and a dark side quite literally. It was two forums split on the site, so you had the safe ageplay side (I guess what would be called Agere these days, where there were role play rooms and toy swaps and such) and you had the kinky bondagey more sexual side of ageplay in the other forum with a grey area in the middle for people on both sides to mingle if they wanted to. This worked really well and is where I kinda got the inspiration for the various colour coded rooms in Flares room party in Shine. The fact was we were all together, not quite all into the same things but respecting of one another and open to discussions and learning from one another, I feel thats something thats almost getting harder to do these days, the polarisation and gatekeeping ive seen over the years...It not something I like to dwell on cause it can feel quite bleak, who gets the moral high ground, who gets to punch down etcetc...

Ageplay.org was where i came across my husband Paul, he was a moderator there and was very much a stable force on the site, he had a little girl, in fairness I had a mummy person and over a long while we all eventually met up in real life and got on really well and that kinda made our poly relationship.....But thats a different story...

When Yahoo killed my group I eventually after healing from the loss of that I moved to blogspot and made a blog there, I think I was called ikklesammy by that point having babysmig die with yahoo, and I created a community there where we ran easter/haloween/christmas competitions and had a chatroom and it was just very joyful and free and no stress, this was before I was making stories or art and there wasnt really much in the way of responsiblity...Or at least it didnt FEEL like responsiblity and then blogspot died....By this point we had seen that coming so had the forethought to create our own website where we could migrate to and so did that and ikklespace was born and fastforward to Patreon killing my account and then creating squiggles....

I think this is a long winded way of saying that theres a real strong need in me to build community. I grew up for so many years not having one and feeling so lost and alone that there's nothing altruistic in what im doing, if i'm being honest with myself it's almost about helping the past version of me, that lost teen, that suicidal teen who thought no one could possibly love her because she was such a mess of a person for needing this very specific kind of love. Creating a community, bringing folk into this together. Shine is largely like that too, a sort of letter to the past version of me, that things will be okay, that you're okay for having these needs, you can be you and its okay to be accepting of yourself. You're fine the way you are.

I dunno why I wanted to write this today. I just...I'm just glad i'm here, but also still very aware of how shakey or how easily a community can suddenly be wiped out, but no matter how many times it happens, I'll keep building.

So I've started drawing cottontail nursery again. The new chapter has started over on my website https://squiggles.ikklespace.net/ I'll post a few pages over there on the $10 tier first and then they'll start turning up here too. So just letting everyone know.

You can read up to page 140 on my website for free and page 141 is the new one I posted today on the $10 tier

Ill be trying to do 2 pages a month to begin with, so the 1st of the month is a housebroken then the 7th would be a cottontail, 14th(ish) a housebroken and 21st(ish) a cottontail....We'll work it like that for a while, see how that goes

So, on Monday I have to do an hour presentation to my class about my experience of my Asexuality and how that relates in a gestalt therapy space. I've been doing a bunch of research and pulling stats from various GSRD sites (in therapy land the growing trend is to use GSRD instead of the Rainbow alphabet) Learning a lot and trying to squish some of that into a powerpoint presentation....I should point out I have never ever in the history of my 43 years on the planet ever built or presented a powerpoint presentation so im not sure why I suddenly feel like this is the right format for me to do my hour long tutorial thing. *shugs* Glutton for punishment perhaps.

Im not nervous, im probably more nervous about not being nervous, but I am feeling a bit battered and bruised from having read so much about asexuality and how it seems so wildly misunderstood or forgotten or denied and even legislated against, even in certain therapy text books surrounding sexuality it seems to suggest that asexuality is a choice rather than an orientation, and that just makes me feel weirdly angry. It makes me cross but that anger manifests itself in a need to educate.

It's kinda how I've felt about the whole being suspended last week thing, seeing various horrible people come out the woodwork to attack who I am with misinformed ideas, a sense of self righteousness that they're the good guys, spewing nonsense about what im into and what i'm thinking when all i'm doing is being myself.

The bubbling of an unfair feeling has churned my gut whilst these two events have been sorta simultaneously going on for me. Being swept up in sweeping generalisations.

Gestalt theory its about understanding your whole self and how you contact the world. I'm quite an anxious person in reality. I'm coming to realise that the anxiousness isn't actually IN me as such but that anxiety is a product of my environment. If I was in an environment that accepted my little side and my asexuality, my anxiousness disappears. So its a product of my surroundings.

How do I build resilience where I can contact a hostile environment without it directly creating that feedback loop of anxiety. I need to make contact with the world, I cant just shut it out, but that would be the easiest solution obviously, but how to build that security in me that i can withstand the onslaught of misinformation and disgust thrown my way. Is it possible? Can therapy actually build armor that's thick enough to withstand that, but also delicate enough that it just doesn't block out everything? That's largely the question I'll be posing to my class on Monday.

So Hi. How's it going? Anything interesting been happening around here?

I wanted to say, thank you for the outpouring of love and support and just...It's been a tough week for a lot of us and continues to feel tough. I have so many messages and notes to read that I wasn't able to access. I have so much catching up to do and I also have to somehow find time to go through my galleries and try to work out what is and isn't acceptable, I thought I'd been doing a good job of that, but I guess I learned the hard way that this wasn't the case.

I will say this though. I am currently in discussion with someone on the appeals team (I don't know who exactly) and I'm hoping with some open dialogue that I can get better clarification for all of us about what is and isn't acceptable, and hopefully relay that to folk. I will keep people updated

I don't know what the future for me on this site is. I want to stay, to shout Louder than ever that it's okay to be a babyfur and a little and an AB/DL and that none of this is hurting anyone, but I must admit the ban has me a little shook up and what I once thought of as a safe space sadly doesn't quite feel as safe as it once did.

I just wanted to end this with, know that you're loved okay. That theres nothing wrong with you for wanting to be little or being an AB or whatever you're into. Keep each other safe and lean into the community, we're pretty tough and supportive when we all come together.

Shine will hopefully start being uploaded again from Friday. I also have a website that hopefully people can access which is here https://squiggles.ikklespace.net/ where all the comics are going to be if FA bans me for good.

I really missed folk here and yeah it's just gonna take time to work through all the messages i couldnt access.

So It's been a little while since I last updated folk on whats going on...so here goes.

Since the last update on journal

I was the opening act of a 4 day punk festival, had a full tent and it went down very well so YAY that felt pretty good to also get it out of the way. I got to go and see and her partner we got to hang out and went to a softplay center for an adults only evening and it was a bit overwhelming cause there were sooo many people there but it was still nice to play a little.

I was feeling pretty chuffed that I was close to clearing my commission queue so that when I started classes again I would be able to hit the ground running and focus a lot of my time on my studies, then my Cat Bell got super sick randomly and ate a massive hole into my savings...£2500 so far and she still needs a few more vet visits but shes mostly back to being her happy meowy self, So I took a bunch of YCH commissions that have made a dent in that unexpected cost but not enough so Ill hafta take more once ive worked through everything I have taken on, but Its basically chaos as usual here hahaha.

Then my course started This week again and its already been several days of full on stuff, seeing my new supervisor and doing inductions for my start with real therapy clients, I was supposed to be seeing my first clients on the 18th of this month but due to HR not filing paperwork, thats now been pushed back to the beginning of october, which is annoying but suddenly gives me a few days of my life back to be able to tackle the commission queue so theres good and bad to that decision.

Ive also been told I need to start working on a presentation for my extended essay...I was like...what? where? when? who? We're 10 minutes into our first day back to class and we're already expected to be thinking about that. So that firstly threw me into a bit of a panic. Like...As I've said over the years...Acedemia isnt something I excel at, I've been barely scraping by on all my essays and theyve only been 2500 words but these new ones need to be 5000 so like...feeling a bit overwhelmed by that.

But then it was suggested with this particular essay we should think about what specialty we'd like to think about going into when we qualify and use that as a focal point of the essay. I want to specifically get into helping folk with kinks and sexuality issues. Thats ideally where I want to be. I want to help folk accept themselves and thats kinda one of my driving forces behind Shine for example.
Gestalt is all about becoming whole, and how the individual does that. How the persons field(their environment and the wider environment as a whole) impacts their ability to do that.

SO for example I'm asexual and for a long while that caused me personal distress and shame (and occasionally still does) because the wider field is all very much Sex is good, are you really a human if you dont want sex, what's wrong with you? Even now the World Health organisation whilst it's declassfied homosexuality and being transgender as no longer being something that needs fixing being asexual is still very much on that list if its something that causes the asexual person to be distressed by their asexuality. I would guess quite a percentage of folk who have a non-conforming sexuality has been distressed by that at some point. Im also aware that a lot of Asexual people are frustrated by the sort of infantalising they are subjected to, "Oh you just havent had good sex, oh are you a virgin still? Do you know how to do it?" Or seen as not adult as they've not jumped through that specific hoop.

And theres me with my diapers and baby paraphinallia which feels like im making a mockery of their concerns, SO I do carry quite alot of shame around that too

So I'm thinking something like Kink and Asexuality in a gestalt space could be an interesting topic to focus my essay on and considering we need to do presentations in class around our topic could be interesting to see how others in my class deal with that.

Anyway thats just a random amount of stuff I better go back to drawing. *hugs* Hope folk have been well. Stay safe.

So Furaffinity was down for a bit and by the time it finally came back I was already in a field so I can't upload it here because my laptop is at home.

So you currently have 2 choices you can go to my website, sign up for a free account and the page that should be here on FA today you will find in the comic section there.

https://squiggles.ikklespace.net/

Or you can wait till Tuesday when I'm back from punk camping and I'll post it as priority when I get home.

I'm glad FA is back though.

Life this year has been a smidge more bumpy than I am accustomed to, anyone who has been reading my journals this year can probably testify to that, but as a bi-product of trying to keep my head above water I've kinda been really blinkered to what's been going on in my friends lives and the past few weeks with things finally finally FINALLY starting to settle down out of that dust I've suddenly been able to see so many of my friends have been going through so much themselves and I've been horrified by my lack of knowing any of it. So wrapped up in myself, so insular.

I've always had pride in myself about being available to people and actually this year looking back I can't help but feel like I've been pretty selfish, some may say for good reason, but I actually feel quite ashamed by my lack of empathy when so many folk have shown me such compassion and understanding this year. It'll be good to get back to the less stressed version of myself, the one that's emotionally available to folk and who isn't being pulled a hundred different directions. I want to be available to people and I feel sad that i've neglected a lot of folk whilst i've been wrapped up in my own various dramas. Thanks for sticking with me and I promise to do better in future.


This coming week I'm away from Thursday afternoon through to Tuesday Afternoon for this big punk festival I play at every year and that'll be a nice way to reset me I think followed by a weekend of seeing Kim and Elara which I'm really looking forward to, and then it'll be into being a therapist for real time, which I keep having nightmares about. So im trying to enjoy what little non-responsible time I have left before September kicks in and starts being super responsible in a way i've not ever really experienced before.

I think this coming year, I'm going to have to seriously up my little side game. The last 2 years it was the first thing I sacrificed in order to get my studying done and things like Pawpets and juggling a bunch of stuff, but its just left me in a bit of a mess really, that bit of me feels super unfullfilled and lost and abandonned and I think if i'm gonna function at 100% I kinda need to look after that bit of me rather than neglecting her, so I need to work out how to actually do that as Ive never been successful at this particular juggling act, maybe set aside some time once a month to just try and be small even if its without someone looking after me, or my therapist keeps saying I have to figure out a way to look after that bit of me myself....But I have no clue how to even start that, any suggestion please put them on a back of a postcard and send them to....

Anyway that's enough rambling, back on with drawing stuff....

The last few weeks have been...well....If I wrote everything down and sent it to a publisher they'd send it back saying it's too outlandish, that amount of stuff cant possibly happen in such a short space of time.
But you forget Mr fake publisher, this is my life we're talking about here, and as we've seen so far this year, this year has been a bit of a wild one.

I went for a job interview at a university on Friday early afternoon and a little over 12 hours later by 5am Saturday morning several police officers (actually there were 11 in total, one very small woman police officer talking to me and the rest like 7 foot blokes) were clambering over my house, including rummaging through my nursery. Life comes at you fast sometimes. (No one was hurt and no one was doing anything illegal, it was actually me who called the police LOL I just wasnt expecting so many of them to turn up, musta been a slow news night in my area cause i think the whole precinct came to my house)

I hadnt expected the neighbours to be up at that point so the local whastapp group had a million pics of all the police cars thinking they were doing some kinda dawn raid on our house....Which I guess is kinda what it musta looked like from a curtain twitchers point of view. SO when we went to the pub on saturday night even the bar staff were like what the heck was happening at your house? We dodged all the questions which only drove them into more of a frenzy wanting to know. It was kinda intense. I can't really go into the ins and out of what it was all about other than I got to offload on my therapist on monday and she was proper like "Wow that is A LOT, how are you coping?" and I think that might have been a rhetorical question. Im not sure how i'm coping. I just...Am? Sometimes when you're stuck in a situation you have little control over, you just hafta ride that wave, and thats very much how a lot of this year has felt like, focus on the things I do have control over and just get on with the stuff i dont have control over.

My Mum has been released from the mental hospital as of Thursday last week and I think she's mostly doing okay. She's a long way from being well again but she's def improving now and managing her condition a day at a time. So that's super positive at the moment.

I also started taking a short course in CBT (Thats Cognitive behavioural therapy for all those kinksters out there thinking that came a bit outta left field for Star) because Gestalt Therapy is a really long term kinda of therapy and a lot of the placements only offer 10-12 week sessions so i thought if i could get some extra tools in my belt to use to maybe help clients reach a goal in a shorted time frame...its not really what I wanna be doing as i want long term work but gotta adapt to the challenge.

And I got the job I went for the interview for on Friday. So Come mid September this squiggle is gonna be a proper trainee therapists with real people to therapize. Exciting and terrifying in equal measures.

Ive also started sketching one page of shine out a day (just the sketch) so by the time my placement starts in September i should have a whole years worth of pages planned out, and that'll take some of the pressure off what i need to do this coming year as the sketch part is always the bit that takes the longest. SO im feeling quite productive on that front.

So I really don't mention my website here very much, and wanted to say if you want art from me signing up to https://squiggles.ikklespace.net/index.php is probably the quickest way to do that.

First off, signing up is free. A free account will allow you to read all comic pages of everything thats currenty free to read online, (found, shine, ctn, housebroken and various stand alone comics), in an actual handy back and forth comic reader

Then if you want to actualy give me some of that fabled money stuff
I have various commission tiers you can sign up to that can get you anything from stickers to comic pages (limited slots). There's also a tier where I'll send you a signed copy of My shine books as they come out, (postage is included in the price and can post Worldwide)

Not to mention you get early access to all my comics and theres a telegram channel to chat to folk on.

Anyway...Thats the pluggin' done.

You may now return to your usual Sunday service, fankyoo bye.

I dont know about you, but my fury sides, both Gem and Star, are aspects of myself that I feel like I cant express in my every day life. Star can be really confident, shes really sure of herself (when she's not being put into embarrassing situations) she's feisty and headstrong and just....things I aspire to be but can't really feel in myself. Gem is where I hold my hope and emotions, she is just pure innocence and love and has a very simple sense of self that again I feel is just too pure and too uncomplicated that i am envious

And so these three parts of me are there.

So I had a three day intense class thing these past few days, where for two days we just sat in a large cicle and gave feedback to one another, one after each other in a long procession. So basically one person would receive feedback from all the other 13 students for 40 minutes, then the next student would have the same happen and so on and so forth. It was an intense and long couple of days and so mentally exhausting.

My feedback was largely positive, but a few people pointed out something that I had already known. One: That my lack of confidence was holding me back and two: That I was diluting myself in the group.
Id done that from day one and it was a conscious choice. Like I felt like I was infiltrating the normies, so like...how do you even act normal, so I kinda tempered my responses and as I slowly worked out how to exist in this group bits of me started to come out.

I dont know about you, but how I experience furry world is like...someone tells you their deepest darkest kinks and oddities, and then you kinda build trust from that point upwards, eventually you might find out someones real name and what they do for a living, but you have this really solid foundation because you already know all the stuff that you struggle to share with the real world.

Whereas in teh real world you work from the name first and then have to start digging down, and truthfully that feels so so alien to me and so like, topsyturvy/awkward, that it really felt quite hard to do.

So today in class we had an exercise where we had to visualise a statue of courselves, what did it look like, walk around it, what was it made of, what was its positioning. And at first I just saw myself stood there calmly, then as i walked around it I realised I was leaing back on something and it was star leaning back on me in a very equally balanced very comfortable looking position, and in between the two of us each one of us holding the hand of Gem who was swinging between the two having a brilliant time. It felt really supportive and strong and different.

Then we were asked to bring the statue to life and so we swung gem a little and she giggled a lot then we broke into our seperate selves and had a bit of a picnic on the statue plinth, and had a small conversation which basically went

Me:"Well this is nice"
Star:"yeah, we dont get to actually see each other together."
Me: "yeah I suppose thats true, we should do this more often"
Star: " Agreed"
(gem was just eatin a jam sandwich with us but ...yeah shes just a baby)

And then we came out of the exercise and had to draw our image in like 3 minutes....(that was a challenge) and share with the class.
I just felt really whole and like i felt the joy of gem and the confidence of star and that just stayed with me the entire night. So during skills practice I played the counsellor role, and because i wasnt being nervous because i had Stars confidence, I pulled off like a frikkin masterclass of how a counsellor should be in gestalt therapy, it was brilliant even the tutor was like "I felt really priviledges to have witnessed that" Like holycow man, and in process group I took a lot fo space and didnt start worrying i was overstepping or taking too much and just....It was a really satisfying class.

And it made me realise i can tap into that...no not just tap into that. That confidence and joy/simplicity is clearly mine for the taking, I just have to allow that in more and basically be all my parts together.

Hey.
So....I don't think this has happened to me yet, and maybe because it's rare for me to take commissions here at the moment, but there are scammers impersonating artists to get money.

I only work thru paypal and will always invoice you. If anyone who pretends to be me and demands money It's a scam. I never demand money. I'll invoice you and then give you space to pay that. I don't put pressure on folk and I'm not aggressive in my approach. I'd hope people here would know how I am here, but just wanted to set it out 100%

So be safe okay. If it looks too good to be true it will be, it probably is.


And in saying that....Do you want some free art? No money needed. I'm gonna do some doodling over the weekend for free, but I'm gonna have to set up a raffle to do it fairly. These will be linearts, If you win you're free to colour the lineart yourself or get a friend to colour it for free.

So here is what you need to do.

1. Post a ref or pic or description of the character you want me to draw (This can be your own character or you can nominate a friends character)
2. Do you want them drawn as a adult or a kid
3. Are diapers involved (yes/no)

That's it. I'm not gonna ask for anything else or any extra hoops. It'll be nice to doodle stuff for folk .

This will be on Saturday You dont have to be in the stream to win, which is why im asking for your details now. So I can give you a raffle number then I'll used A Random Number generator to pick the winners and draw them in stream.

So It was my birfday on Tuesday and it was actually pretty chill. I was just me and Daddy and he took me to Bubble PLanet which was like a sensory experience in london. It had a lot of balloons and fish and rubber ducks. it wasn't until the very end that we actually saw some real bubbles LOL but there was a ballpit the size of a swimming pool and there was lots of cool stuff to see, it was pretty chill and I felt pretty lucky we were able to go anywhere really. I also got a new toy frog whom I called Grumpy Frog. He has now been employed as Bob's Secretary, which has only made Grumpy frog even grumpier.

Then Yesterday was my Dad's birthday. It was also the 80th anniversary of D-Day, which made Dad's birthday thing trickier. He was a Paratrooper you see and there were just Paras everywhere yesterday. Like Holyheck. So I took a bit of am emotional battering yesterday and very much went into the standard mode of dark and contactless when I get like that.

My Mum is still very much in the hospital with no outlook on when she's coming out yet, she had okay days and then very very bad days where she gets violent and attacks people, so like....That's not great. It's probably down to the various meds they're trying to work out her levels of the various anti-psychotic drugs so it's a balancing act that'll take time, but I do wonder if she even knew it was Dad's birthday yesterday, or even what month it is.

This is coupled with my final essay of the year being due on Monday. mixing Gestalt therapy with other types of theory such as attachment theory and cultural identity theory. Early Attachment theory always makes me go into dark places. I know I was neglected as an infant and child and there's like nothing taht can be done about that, you're kinda at the whims of you're environment and you're adapting and learning how to survive. It's very much the luck of the draw who's chuff you pop out of and your circumstances that unfold after that event. It used to make me feel quite broken as those interactions at the start of your life solidfiy into ways you contact your environment as you get older.

But there's hope in that you can form new attachment types with others, like your peers or other adults as you grow, your romantic partners and such.
Finding people here on FA building relationships with furry older siblings and Aunties and Uncles and such was a way of healing some of my childhood trauma, and in some cases opened wounds further, but hey it cant all be successful but I dont think some of my past trauma has nearly as strong a hold on me as it did before coming here or accepting my little side Being in the poly family relationship as well did wonders for my little side healing to a large extent too. I was lucky I was able to find that at the time.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that It's not like a permenantly sealed deal that just because I had a shakey start in life doesnt mean I'm counted out or wont ever amount to anything because of those things that were beyond my control as an infant, things can get better and you can heal from that. I think thats where I feel most critical about early attachment theory... Errr anyway enough rambling

So I WILL be doing a freebee stream. But it's going to be next weekend. All my assignments will be done and Paul will be away that weekend so ill be home alone so it'll keep me company. I'll open up a sign up sheet in the middle of the week. Something fun to look forward to.

So. It's been a while since I wrote anything here. I tend to go quiet when stuff is stressy, so sorry about that.

So let's catch up on stuff huh.

My cultural Identity Theory presentation went well, and then I got my big essay back that is one of the main hurdles to jump in becoming qualified to practice counselling.....The constructive feedback was essentially a character assassination, and really hurt to read. I passed by the very very skin of my teeth but boy the feedback was brutal and I'm still reeling from it if i'm honest. I haven't even shared it with Paul because it was...quite frankly, humiliating and not in the fun sense. Still the dust has settled to a large extent, a pass is a pass, and I'm trying to look at this more from a...well I guess I have plenty of room for improvement and it wasn't a fail, so, that's a result. I hadn't quite expected to get quite that close to failing, but in my defense the recording session I was being graded on was the day after I had come back from my Dad's funeral, so it certainly wasn't my best work.

In other news it's confuzzled at the moment and I am not there, my school work has largely kept me away from anything fun and that's a bit rubbish really. FOMO has absolutely kicked in and I miss seeing everyone and hanging out and I feel like I've kinda largely just been left at home. Part of me gets by by thinking I'm too little to join in, and then missing out on stuff feels easier, like maybe one day when I'm bigger, then I found a new con starting up in Portsmouth in September, it happens just before my final year starts at school, so it wont clash with anything.

https://furthersouth.uk/registration/

A few folk have warned me not to go as the con has tried unsuccessfully to start for a few years now, so it's likely to be a complete disaster, but I had already booked my room before I heard about the potential negative stuff. Then I thought, hey even if the con isn't actually that well organised, if I can get enough of my friends to come too, we can essentially just hang at a hotel for the 4 days and sorta just make it fun. Like an accidental bab take over. or like a furmeet that lasts 4 days, just hang out no pressure. Now that sounds like fun. So yeah, me and daddy are booked to go.

It's my birfday on the 4th of June, and um. I don't think we're doing anything, Daddy was made redundant so anything he pays for or buys kinda comes outta our savings, so it doesnt make any sense to do anything, so that means there's a chance i'll be around for my birfday so mebbe i can draw people some stuff, and if not on the 4th then maybe on the 6th. The 6th was my dad's birfday and I think that is gonna be a hard day to tackle, so drawing people cute stuff might help distract me from the sad stuff. I'll keep folk up to date when I know what's going on.

Anyway I think thats most stuff. My Mum is still in the hospital but she's slowly improving as they tweak her medication, Paul continues to fight for his redundancy package, our car broke but paul's dad was getting rid of his car so looks like we're gonna get his old car so that's very very lucky, Our microwave died yesterday but Paul bought it in 1995 (so it's older than most of you) SO I think it was allowed to go to silicon heaven. And I think that really is everything up to date now mostly.

*just random whitterings from a bab who's been doing too much homework....feel free to ignore*

So. I have to do a twenty minute presentation in a few weeks on Cultural Identity Theory and it's actually really quite an interesting topic. I didn't know much about it when I first started researching and assumed, stupidly that it was all about where we come from and how we're brought up... our heritage and our race and our religion, but that was over simplifying it somewhat and whilst yes those facets matter It's not all of it.

Basically every person reading this has multiple identities, the person they are with their family, the person they are when they're at work, maybe you have a neighbourhood that you feel close with, what about your social class? Maybe you support a sports team or a band, what age are you? Your gender? Are you a parent? A sibling? We're all part of so many social groups and that's what Cultural Identity theory is about. The whole person.

Now lets apply that to Furry and what do we get? It's a strange group, stereo typically full of folk who have felt they misfitted somewhere else, but equally doesn't have to be that. We're artists and musicians and writers and cosplayers, geeks and gamers, car enthusiasts, different in neurodiversity, different races, differently able bodied, some folk are really high on the money ladder others are in extreme poverty, queer folk, straight folk and everything in between. Kinky, non kinky. Different ideologies, religions, political views, but we mostly (although again not necessarily) have a character we have created either in reality via paper/fursuit/mixed media or in our minds and we come together with that identity, that fursona.

We are carrying so much with us, there's so much difference in our furry group it's amazing that we can largely get along because of this connection and it's amazing. Cultural identity theory then goes on to explain, that when we strongly identify with a group we'll feel like we're part of the 'in group' and then find an 'out group' to vilify.

I guess in terms of furries a strong one that springs to mind is Furries as the weirdos and then we kinda snub the normies. But we also have in groups and out groups INSIDE of furry. Take the familiar cycle of beating down the babyfurs or the ferals, or the ageism angle of you're creepy if you're still here past 30. Gatekeeping. Who calls the shots, the struggle of sanitising furry so that it's more accessible to minors, but the sex positive crew wanting to keep it weird to keep corporations out and having safe adult spaces to explore sexuality. And what we do to remain in the In groups we identify with, what makes me a babyfur, what happens if I step outside of those boundaries, what if I'm thrown out. We modify our way of relating in order to stay within the groups we identify with. How we learn the etiquette of our chosen groups and toe the line so we can continue to feel like we belong.

We're untamable and chaotic and it's more like a sea of people, sometimes moving as one calm enjoyable ocean and sometimes crashing waves together, messy and dangerous, and how could it be anything less with this many unique individuals here for so many different reasons. I just find it astonishing sometimes that any of it works at all.

I'm looking forward to the presentation I'll be doing. It's been really fascinating to think about.

I drew some art today. That felt good. Felt like me for the first time in a month.

Yesterday I handed in my big super important essay/practical exam thing that if I pass gets me a magic bit of paper that says I can start practicing therapy on real people in a placement setting. I've been looking specifically for LGBTQIA+ charities and placements to work with and you know even here So close to London, there's barely anything available. Two places, Two and one of them is like you have to be LGBT to apply....and Im an A. So I don't think I qualify...


In other news My Mum is not any better being in the hospital. In fact the hospital randomly decided they dont want her anymore so They're saying they're gonna let her out on Monday. So my stress levels are already starting to climb again. She's really unwell and a proper danger to herself. She's gonna get herself arrested because the police wont understand that she's in psychosis. I dont know what the hospital has been doing really cause they havent given her any kind of medication plan or any kind of crisis plan at all, they've let her keep her mobile phone which means she's randomly phoning folk at all hours of the night, including the police. Whats worse is she created a new facebook account...with my Dad's name and was like friend requesting everyone and anyone pretending to be my Dad.... She's not a well woman and the idea she's just gonna be put back on the street feels me full of so much dread.

I know it's because the hospital has a limited amount of space and beds, but surely theres got to be some inbetween stage, or at least some training they can give me and my sisters on how to deal with her whilst she's like this.

In other other news Daddy's job is gone, we had a feeling something was going on in his company and yeah, hunches were right. Our Car broke and we both caught Norovirus last week which...um..I'd never had before and really hope to never ever have it again cause I swear I have never been that sick in my life. I was so close to phoning an ambulance thinking I was really gonna be in serious medical trouble if stuff didn't stop. I understand now why Norovirus ends up in the news, up until that point I just thought it was a slightly worse version of a tummy bug.
We have savings for these sorts of situations so should be okay, but it's a bit of a bit of a harsh year so far. Im kinda done with it already LOL

but...I think thats pretty much us hit our quota for bad stuff this year. I've done a lot of gardening (mainly because i couldnt concentrate on anything so went outside and killed weeds for a few days and so now theres a space outside we can sit, which makes me feel happier, im trying to grow some sweetcorn and brocolli and cucumbers and i might buy a kiwi vine or two to see if thats growable...I dunno. Its helping me to find some time for me in amongs all this chaos really.

Happy Easter.

Easter is all about renewal and rebirth and just you know stuff being born and new beginnings and It's usually one of my favorite times of year. The spring equinox, the pagan goddess Eostre – the goddess of spring and fertility. I hope everyone is having a nice weekend


I am wishing for some of that renewal of energy. I am feeling so lifeless and drained. My husband/daddy has been away since Friday, he comes back tonight, so I've been home alone, trying to sort myself out. It's...Um...not going so well.

Good Friday after my Husband had left for the weekend, my Mum was finally sectioned in a high security mental health ward. She'd been doing some really worrying and dangerous things, and It all came to a head Friday in the early hours in the morning. Truthfully I'm relieved she's now in there. Getting help and being monitored with her eating and meds and sleep But she's in there for a minimum of 28 days, during which my sisters have no choice but to move her house to a new place without her or she'll be paying for two rents...So when Mum finally gets out of hospital she wont be going back to her house....I don't know if thats a good thing or a bad thing. I feel a mix of joy and sorrow when I think about that.

I cried a lot on Friday. A LOT. I think knowing she was finally somewhere where she couldn't get hurt, suddenly opened up the chance to finally start thinking about Dad. Up until that point all my energy was being used up worrying about what manic things Mum would do next. Even at the funeral I was constantly making sure she was ok, so didn't get chance to really focus on Dad. So maybe some of that I can finally start doing.

But also, theres a huge amount of trauma I carry from having to help get my younger sister sectioned back when I was 20 or so. Mum didn't want to do it so I had to do most of the leg work with that, and mum just came in at the last moment to sign paperwork because obviously I couldnt do that part. So I think I cried a lot for my Sisters now having to do something similar with Mum.

I'm worried I havent drawn anything. Im hoping after the long weekend maybe...I mean 2moro is April so maybe thats a good place to Start. This year has been a bit of a dick so far, so I'm hoping maybe this renewal f energy and Start of a new month might hopefully start bringing that change.

I'm on my way back from Scotland. It wasn't the greatest of trips.

My dad's funeral went okay. I managed to do my speech and not cry through it mainly because I was kinda switched off, emotion wise. I still haven't broken down and really cried. I came close a couple of times but something stopped me.

Mainly I'm really worried about my mum. This whole situation has pushed my mum off a mental health bridge and she has well and truly plunged Into full blown mania. Which means trying to get her to eat or sleep or take her beds or anything is very difficult.

I ended up staying overnight with her to try and get some food and water into her and managed to convince her to eat but then when I asked where the sleeping bags were she had hidden them as she wanted me to sleep in dad's bed to reset the bed as such (he died there) so knowing she had been sleeping on the sofa since his death I felt like I didn't have much choice. So I went to his room...

This was hard. I grew up in that room as a child and some pretty messed up stuff happened in that room when I was a kid. So having to sleep in the bed my dad died in whilst remembering all that violence was really hard.
I kept saying to myself. "This is the Sam I am now. I'm not the Sam I was then" and that helped a lot.

But yeah got thru that, but mum is gonna be unwell for a while. Trying to work out a plan of action with my sisters on how to monitor her whilst she's on her own. Feel guilty leaving her and being 500 miles away and also feeling like my grief has had to be put on hold to remain a practical helper for my mum rather than touch the loss of my father. Feeling worried the more layers off packaging I put on this grief. The longer it's locked up, the harder it's going to be to access. The longer it's going to take to unpick. I don't currently feel like I have a choice in the matter. I have therapy and then therapy classes tomorrow so hopefully on Tuesday I'll be able to be at home and just attempt to start processing this all finally and also start doing some art. I've really missed it here

I'm really sorry but I wasn't able to finish shine for this coming Friday. So it's going to be late.
I hafta go to Scotland tomorrow and won't be back till late Sunday night and then I'm out all day on Monday for classes. The last class of the term actually so that was good timing I guess. So I won't be able to work on shine till Tuesday next week at the very earliest.

My dad's funeral is on Thursday. I wrote stuff today to read at the service. I was supposed to do that yesterday but was in such a creative block. I tried to summarise his life and then scrapped that idea. It feels impossible and insulting. So instead I picked a few of the good childhood memories to share. It's strange how we crystallise and condense folk at their funerals, tiptoe around the dark parts. I think I've been genuine with my contribution whilst also holding back. I feel very confused about it all truth be told,

People who have read Found and shine will already know my feelings about my dad are complicated. Jack from found is based on my dad in a very raw and yet roundabout way and obviously Peter in shine too embodies him also. My art has helped work through some of my feelings about him but there's so much more of it and it was really only him dying that's made me realise how much of this is still left to unpick.

It's gonna take a while. Luckily I'm already doing therapy so that's one hurdle I'm already climbing

Anyway thank you for your patience. And see you on the other side of all of this

Im so sorry that ive written a few heavy journals in a row but this one is quite important to explain why things might be a bit wonky for a little bit.
(Cw:death)
First the nice bit...So the sex/gender/relationship weekend is over and it was really actually very good. The tutor was a trans woman who was just...amazing. I learnt a lot. She was really sensitive about all of it and a lot of the very straight monogamous folk in my class seem to have had their horizons somewhat broadened by the experience so it feels like a win all way round.

Something fairly catastrophic happened this morning though. I got a phone call this morning just as I was leaving for class. My sister phoned me to tell me my father had died.

He was on an urgent waiting list for a heart bypass operation and had been on that waiting list for a couple of years and we'll...guess he doesn't need that now.
I feel so angry and distressed about the whole thing.
On top of that it's mothering Sunday today and I sent my mum a huge bunch of flowers with a lovely card saying "hope you have a calm and wonderfully stressfree day" I assume they turned up some time during today as I couldn't find a way to cancel them and she basically woke up this morning to a ded husband in her bed.... ooooof.

I feel sick but I went to school I got into class 90 mins after being told the news. Tried to pretend everything was OK and then burst into tears. Bleurgh. Everyone was so lovely and warm and supportive and I was so grateful for that. But after that initial outburst I switched it all off and I think I've just been in shock ever since. I'm glad I was able to go to class. I talked quite a bit about my asexuality and quite a few folk had a lot of misconceptions about it so I'm really glad I went. It's very much been a useful distraction but yeah class is over now I'm on the train home and just knowing I'm gonna hafta face reality that my dad is gone and how that's probably going to bring a lot of disruption to my work. I'll need to go up to Scotland but working out how and when and just...yeah I'll keep folk up to date as I know more info. But yeah my emotions all feel very switched off right now kinda like a circuit breaker just overloaded and now it's fried. I'm sure that feeling won't be forever but I'm currently feeling grateful for that

I am feeling really emotionally weak at the moment and hae been struggling with the foggiest of brain fogs all week. I think I might be getting sick but I really can't be ill right now.

I have a sat&sun weekend seminar thing this weekend all about gender, sexuality and relationship diversity which is compulsory to attend so I really super can't be ill. I'm a bit nervous about the weekend though, mainly because most of the class is very in that hetero-normative bracket, with only 3 of us being outside of that.
Theres part of day one where we are supposed to get into our specific genders and discuss stuff for an hour with the others in our group. Except im the only agendered (I still hate that term) person on my course. So am I just gonna be in a group by myself? Theres a trans person in my course so maybe we'll be teamed together, so maybe it'll just actually be three groups? But thats not what the brief says.

Then talking about sexuality...being asexual too...and then relationship wise, where okay my relationship looks normal from the outside, but actually we're a poly relationship where the others kinda went their seperate ways, we're also in an open relationship and so it looks normal to anyone looking but its also kinda not. So this whole weekend feels like it's just gonna be really highlighting how different my way of being in the world is, and I'm slightly concerned I'm gonna be made an example of, or like expected to teach folk. I can only speak from my own experience and im willing to help to a certain point but i dont wanna be some specimen.

Maybe I'm worrying over nothing though. My hormones have been doing all sorts of crazy backflips the past few days. One minute im sad the next seething the next hyper. It's just exhausting.

I've been working on losing weight since the start of the year, and I've so far managed to lose 16lbs (just over 7 kilos) Im not doing any fad diets just literally walking more, drinking more water and doing more exercise, and I should be feeling good about it all going in teh right direction but truthfully I caught my naked reflection in the mirror last night and just...sobbed.

My body is such a mess and I felt just so utterly disgusting. Daddy found me crying and he hugged me a lot and told me he loved me a lot and that really helped so so much. But i cant get over how repulsive I felt last night, and that feeling is still lingering. Im pretty sure its cause im hormonal, I always hate my body most when that time of the month kicks in.

Weirdly i used to dream of being an AB model and just..I hate my body so much i cant imagine showing it to people, and perhaps seeing all these really pretty folk online showing how trim and cute they are just tangles me in knots knowing that isnt me.

Thats why I hide behind Star, and Gem, I feel confident that they can be that part of me I dream about I guess. This is just a random ramble and im sure ill be fine. I think I need more sleep maybe. But yeah just throwing some thoughts out there. Thanks for reading and I appreciate you taking time to do so.

So in class this week I accidentally got triggered...And I don't use that word lightly, with i guess understanding a deep rooted way of how I interact. This might be a good time to do a CW, possibly for childhood abuse.

We were working with transference and counter transference. This is when you see someone in front of you but instead of seeing them you maybe imprint a parental figure or authority figure or perhaps a partner or sibling onto the person and expect them to act a certain way or respond to them in the way you would with the person you perceive them to be.

We conducted an experiment in pairs, where one would be a parent and the other would be a child, and then after five minutes swap over. I played parent first and went straight into strict Mum mode. My Mum could be pretty brutal when she was angry at you and im really not sure why I went there, but i basically just randomly had an argument with my partner who was being a stroppy teenager. I was just...really awful to him, which resulted in him telling me he hated me. That made my heart skip a beat in two ways. one...just the instant danger I felt. I'd never be able to utter those words to my parents. This mixed with the second feeling of ...what..Joy? Pride? I was glad he was able to say that to me. It made me feel happy.

Then we swapped. My partner being the parent. He picked up a notebook and held it up to their face so i couldnt see them and then proceeded to ignore me for most of the five minutes. Instant fear. like ramped up to 100 instantly that it took my breath away and I found it hard to breathe, the longer it went on the harder that was to contain and i ended up bursting into tears and shaking. How embarrassing and how unexpected, I just couldn't get my emotions under control. It instantly put me into 10 year old me scared of interacting with my father due to his unpredictable nature. Trying to work out if a sound I made would set him off on an angry rampage. Trying to work out if i was safe or not, him being completely unavailable on an emotional level.... just me not existing to him, I just crumbled.

I have a lot of work to do, but feeling all of that, understanding how quick that was to really flip a strong reaction in me was useful. I think I understand why i find it difficult to initiate contact with folk a bit better now as i really do panic and worry that im being a nuisance so making first contact is tricky for me i guess because of this exact thing. Yeah a lot more work to do...I'll get there, but yeah Monday's class really wiped me out and I'm still feeling that.

So This account was made back in March 2014 and its getting closer to March 2024. I was thinking of maybe doing a long freebee sketch stream or do a big group pic or something to celebrate this account being around that long. I can't believe I've been drawing Shine for THAT long and we're almost at the end of week 3 in comic time LOL

I also noticed randomly today that Im less than 2000 views away from the 4million view mark. I often use popufur.com not as a means of sizing myself up against other people but more looking back on my account the last time it was polled back in feb 2022 and seeing how much more my accounts have grown since then and get this sense of pride in myself that i've been doing something for so long without getting distracted or abandonning it. Im not good at finishing things I tend to lose interest, find something else that takes my interest and abandon stuff half done but this is one of those rare parts of me that just keeps going. It's proper unique in that sense and it makes me feel really happy even now that even after all this time I still love drawing and still love the comics I make and feel really truely me when i'm creating them.

I'm glad you're here with me on this journey and I hope we get to complete it together. I know Shine has an actual ending and it creeps ever more closely as I post each page and I'll really be sad when its done and dusted, but theres other projects waiting in the wings and well...yeah I think I'm just waffling now I guess.

First off.... The Ursa Major Awards nomination period is now open, and will run until mid February. Shine has already won once, (and I can see the award from where im sat and it still fills me with determination to keep working hard to finish my project Shine.) So I don't need to ask for nominations as You lot have kindly already shown your support for my work, but theres lots of artists and creators and fursuiters and just....our community here is full of such talent that im sure theres others out there who deserve the same support. So if you feel inclined go on over and nominate some folk then here's the links

https://ursamajorawards.org/index.htm

https://ursamajorawards.org/ReadList.htm

Secondly Life has been a bit...hectic recently. (everyone rolls their eyes as lets face it..when isn't my life hectic...have I ever come on here and said...hey guys zero has been going on and i have nothing to do....I'd like that for future me, if just for once...just to see what it's like)

I did a four day intense group therapy training event recently and im still kinda reeling from that quite a bit. sticking 150 people in a room and getting them to talk to each other for 4 days was a bit...crazy really. Lots of huge topics came up and lots of really opposing views so trying to find common ground when you cant just block them and not talk to them....It was really interesting but really hard work and I guess all part of learning to be a therapist, finding way with coping with people that really are your polar opposites. I'm not gonna lie. It was really overwhelming at points, but again I think the idea was to be overwhelmed and work out how to cope with that or how to let go of being bombarded with so much information in such a short intense time frame. I came away with a lot of new ideas about myself so I guess it helped me solidify some things in myself, so huzzah for that. But I practically went around in a daze for a few days as my brain tried to process it all, and the crazy dreams were fun.

On monday i go into my first proper assessment where i hafta be therapist for 50 mins and record the session then transcribe it and write an essay about why I was asking teh questions I was askinga nd what i was thinking and doing during the session and what bits i did well and what bits i did badly. I think I'm not nervous or anything so I think even if it goes badly so long as im aware its gone badly then thats what they're looking for.

I also went to Aunty Kim and her partner Alaras house yesterday (and they're now currently here at my house) and had some proper little time in the first time since what feels like forever. Its mad how just a bedtime story and being fed a bottle and being talked to/acknowledged as a small child will just top up my ability to tackle the world. I've felt like ive been running on empty for sooo long that suddenly I have energy to really get stuck in to so many projects and the vitality just feels really strong in me again. so i guess thats why I also have energy to write this. So yeah really super grateful for that.

Anyway on with drawing more pictures. Hope you're all doing ok

This year is going.

Already 1% done and so far i think it's doing ok.

2023 was a tricky year for me. I guess because of the therapy course sorta making me have to dig around in my own head it just exposed a lot of stuff out in the open for me and so it was quite an exhausting year. Then November really obliterated any get up and go that I had left, which led to a very fizzled out version of me for the remainder of the year. Truthfully I'd say I was actually depressed. I tried really hard to put little stuff on the backburner in 2023 in order to focus on studying and work and well...It didn't really work. It just led me to feel like I was operating as half a version of myself and felt like I kinda accidentally sucked the life out of myself, unable to really involve myself in anything. Like experiences were muted.


But it's 2024 now and first of Jan i thought. great lets do all the new years resolution type things that everyone always do, so im trying to get fit and drink water and all those usual shenanigans. Normally I make a new years resolution to 'Make better choices' and last year I don't think I made many of those. SO this year I need to be a bit more aware of that, and to choose to stop sacrificing my time in the wrong ways.

Truth of the matter I NEED little time. So I need to start actually building that into my schedule rather than obliterating it and deciding its not viable. I need little time REALLY badly, and I just...I'm just kinda tired of neglecting that part of me in the name of all my other responsibilities. I'm really tired of being the responsible one. The therapy course this year is going to get more intense, I start actually taking clients, and with that new extra level of responsiblity I need to balance that out and learn to give time to myself. Or the burn out really is gonna fizzle me so quick.

I also signed up for a Tai chi class. A proper one with weapons training. I used to do that kind of Tai chi a long time ago and fell out of it, but managed to find a class teaching that again, so signed up for it and I start that on Jan the 17th I need to focus on my health a lot. Im old now and creaky and if i dont start taking care of myself, then when if not now? SO I really have to focus this year on that, or i'm gonna get doomed pretty quickly. So just caring about myself a bit better than I have done...ever. It's easy to neglect something you dont care about so I really do need to care about myself more.

Other than that, draw comics. lots and lots of comics and be more organised/co-ordinated about it all.