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Thank you.
General | Posted 2 years agoI just wanted to say thank you to so many people reaching out to see if I'm okay.
November was an absolute bitch of a month in a way that I have not experienced in a long time. I'm quite good at shouldering stress and I've definitely been in tougher spots than this but having the business that I built up for 10 years and it being my main source of income suddenly vanish without warning definitely was a gut punch.
I'm hoping I'll be okay. I have probably told you before but my clan has an actual motto 'concussus surgo' which basically means "though shaken, I rise" ...its basically the Latin version of that well.known chumbawumba song "I get knocked down but I get up again, you're never gonna keep me down" and that's basically how I feel about it all, it's been really tough but you dust yourself down and do it again.
Everyone here rallying around me has certainly helped and I'm conscious of the fact other artists have also had the rug pulled from under them and perhaps don't have the following or reach that I do. So please spread the support to others, and if you're one of those artists who has had this happen to you (or even if you're not an artist at all but still are struggling and need to plug a gofund me or donation page please use the comments to plug either you're new place to subscribe or whatever you want really.
I currently don't have a place to subscribe to. I am hoping this week that will change and I'll let everyone know when that all goes live but for the time being thank you to those who have just randomly sent me money to help. I really REALLY appreciate the generosity and kindness of the community. It really has made me burst into thankful tears several times this past few days
November was an absolute bitch of a month in a way that I have not experienced in a long time. I'm quite good at shouldering stress and I've definitely been in tougher spots than this but having the business that I built up for 10 years and it being my main source of income suddenly vanish without warning definitely was a gut punch.
I'm hoping I'll be okay. I have probably told you before but my clan has an actual motto 'concussus surgo' which basically means "though shaken, I rise" ...its basically the Latin version of that well.known chumbawumba song "I get knocked down but I get up again, you're never gonna keep me down" and that's basically how I feel about it all, it's been really tough but you dust yourself down and do it again.
Everyone here rallying around me has certainly helped and I'm conscious of the fact other artists have also had the rug pulled from under them and perhaps don't have the following or reach that I do. So please spread the support to others, and if you're one of those artists who has had this happen to you (or even if you're not an artist at all but still are struggling and need to plug a gofund me or donation page please use the comments to plug either you're new place to subscribe or whatever you want really.
I currently don't have a place to subscribe to. I am hoping this week that will change and I'll let everyone know when that all goes live but for the time being thank you to those who have just randomly sent me money to help. I really REALLY appreciate the generosity and kindness of the community. It really has made me burst into thankful tears several times this past few days
This is important
General | Posted 2 years agoMy patreon was shut down today. I had it running for a decade, when I first started Shine, and now its all gone, the comments people left there, the history, the messages and I guess also my ability to pay my bills. Patreon was my main source of income and now thats over. They said I had violated their community guidelines by sexualising minors...which I never have and never would do. That goes against everything I believe in so being tarnished with that brush feels particularly brutal and unfair.
I just want to say something thats always been important to me. (im cross posting this from my other account as this is super super important to me)
I've been a little since I was about 4 years old. Way before the internet existed. For years all the way through my teens I thought I was the only one who wanted to be loved in that unconditional small child way. Felt wrong in myself for knowing my peers didnt have the same wants, had no one to talk to and generally hated myself for being wired differently in a lot of ways.
When i started writing my comics here. I wanted nothing more than to bring folk together, to help people feel less alone and to make people feel like it was okay to be themselves. I created content that I wished I could have had when I was learning and feeling lost. I also wanted to play. To tap into that little side and to have freedom to explore that part of me in a healthy safe way.
I've made a lot of friends here and I get notes every so often thanking me for my work. saying lovely things like I've helped someone feel better in themselves for having this quirk. Its a core part of me and I imagine its a core part of a lot of folk reading this journal. We didn't choose to have this need in us. And more importantly there's nothing wrong with that.
I truely feel that whilst some day's i can struggle with my little side, I'm largely so grateful i have this really precious part of me. She's amazing. and so pure and she just deserves all the love and she deserves to feel safe.
Sometimes life can shake that foundation in me. When something external is telling me I'm wrong for being who I am (like patreon or trolls or other things I can't mention right now) it often makes me sit back feeling like i've been punched in the gut and re-assess. Like. Are they right? Am I wrong? Am I broken? AM I a monster?
No. Sorry. Just No.
I've been round this circle so many times. You're not wrong for having a little side. Whether you have one due to childhood trauma or not, having a little side is something to feel protective over, there's this precious bean in you that has done nothing wrong. Keep them safe, give yourself love not hate, when others are trying to beat you down because they dont understand you. You're not the problem here.
Don't hate yourself because of other people. Don't let them get into your head and doubt yourself.
You're uniquely you. Theres only the one version of you on this planet and your reality is unique to you, don't let others mess that up with their hateful ignorance.
Im proud to be part of this community, it's felt a little fragmented for a while but it's still a community full of compassionate amazing people just wanting to live their lives. You're all amazing
Just have hugs okay. I wish I could really hug you all
I just want to say something thats always been important to me. (im cross posting this from my other account as this is super super important to me)
I've been a little since I was about 4 years old. Way before the internet existed. For years all the way through my teens I thought I was the only one who wanted to be loved in that unconditional small child way. Felt wrong in myself for knowing my peers didnt have the same wants, had no one to talk to and generally hated myself for being wired differently in a lot of ways.
When i started writing my comics here. I wanted nothing more than to bring folk together, to help people feel less alone and to make people feel like it was okay to be themselves. I created content that I wished I could have had when I was learning and feeling lost. I also wanted to play. To tap into that little side and to have freedom to explore that part of me in a healthy safe way.
I've made a lot of friends here and I get notes every so often thanking me for my work. saying lovely things like I've helped someone feel better in themselves for having this quirk. Its a core part of me and I imagine its a core part of a lot of folk reading this journal. We didn't choose to have this need in us. And more importantly there's nothing wrong with that.
I truely feel that whilst some day's i can struggle with my little side, I'm largely so grateful i have this really precious part of me. She's amazing. and so pure and she just deserves all the love and she deserves to feel safe.
Sometimes life can shake that foundation in me. When something external is telling me I'm wrong for being who I am (like patreon or trolls or other things I can't mention right now) it often makes me sit back feeling like i've been punched in the gut and re-assess. Like. Are they right? Am I wrong? Am I broken? AM I a monster?
No. Sorry. Just No.
I've been round this circle so many times. You're not wrong for having a little side. Whether you have one due to childhood trauma or not, having a little side is something to feel protective over, there's this precious bean in you that has done nothing wrong. Keep them safe, give yourself love not hate, when others are trying to beat you down because they dont understand you. You're not the problem here.
Don't hate yourself because of other people. Don't let them get into your head and doubt yourself.
You're uniquely you. Theres only the one version of you on this planet and your reality is unique to you, don't let others mess that up with their hateful ignorance.
Im proud to be part of this community, it's felt a little fragmented for a while but it's still a community full of compassionate amazing people just wanting to live their lives. You're all amazing
Just have hugs okay. I wish I could really hug you all
Updates...
General | Posted 2 years agoI haven't written in a while because life has been really chaotic. I've barely been on social media I've barely been here or anywhere really. I'm currently sat in the back of a car starting my 7 hour journey back home and back to an almost normality. Life should get calmer after today.
Friday I was off to Edinburgh for a weekend with my sisters. I was looking forward to it but also really worried about it. Worried cause we had never done this before. Worried that we would fall into old roles. They left their kids and husbands behind it was just the four of us. I was worried we were gonna accidentally retraumatise each other talking about our childhoods etc and that's largely what we ended up doing, it was good to do but mentally really exhausting.
I got back to my house late Sunday then early Monday had to go into London for therapy training then back out and straight to Birmingham and then up to stockton on tees for a funeral.
I cried a lot. Mark was only 63 and I'd known them for 20 years. They had a very beautiful soul and was always helping people and being just really generous. Mark had another side of his life. Debbie. Debbie was sometimes my big sister sometimes an aunt figure. But always a playmate in some form or another. Had a cracking sense of imagination and humor and it's always strange going to funerals of friends where we are mingling with family who didn't know this extra side, this really important part of marks life. It felt unfair pretending that Debbie wasn't a thing. Although marks elderly sister at one point came up to me and said "You must be Sammy, Marks talked a lot about you. I know you knew Mark as Debbie, thank you for filling debbies life full of happiness"
I cried a lot again.
So that's all done. I feel so mentally drained but it's now just time to pick myself up and dust myself down and get on with everything I haven't been able to do. It's unlikely there will be a shine page this week as I haven't been able to draw one yet. But by next week life should be largely back to the usual swing.
Thank you for everyone's patience.
Friday I was off to Edinburgh for a weekend with my sisters. I was looking forward to it but also really worried about it. Worried cause we had never done this before. Worried that we would fall into old roles. They left their kids and husbands behind it was just the four of us. I was worried we were gonna accidentally retraumatise each other talking about our childhoods etc and that's largely what we ended up doing, it was good to do but mentally really exhausting.
I got back to my house late Sunday then early Monday had to go into London for therapy training then back out and straight to Birmingham and then up to stockton on tees for a funeral.
I cried a lot. Mark was only 63 and I'd known them for 20 years. They had a very beautiful soul and was always helping people and being just really generous. Mark had another side of his life. Debbie. Debbie was sometimes my big sister sometimes an aunt figure. But always a playmate in some form or another. Had a cracking sense of imagination and humor and it's always strange going to funerals of friends where we are mingling with family who didn't know this extra side, this really important part of marks life. It felt unfair pretending that Debbie wasn't a thing. Although marks elderly sister at one point came up to me and said "You must be Sammy, Marks talked a lot about you. I know you knew Mark as Debbie, thank you for filling debbies life full of happiness"
I cried a lot again.
So that's all done. I feel so mentally drained but it's now just time to pick myself up and dust myself down and get on with everything I haven't been able to do. It's unlikely there will be a shine page this week as I haven't been able to draw one yet. But by next week life should be largely back to the usual swing.
Thank you for everyone's patience.
The chaos
General | Posted 2 years agoThis week and next week...actually November. Is gonna be utter chaos from here on. It's already not been off to a great start with my good friends death, but on Monday I then lost my phone coming back from Therapy classes. How entrenched are our lives with our phones these days. I have two factor authentication on things like my online banking and my paypal and things like that so im effectively locked out of these services until I can get a new phone. Cue the chaos that is trying to get a new phone. I was DEFINITELY talking to a trainee on tuesday morning trying to organise a new phone they talked to me for an hour and forty minutes with me saying throughout that I had lost my phone and they kept saying stuff like...
Them: "To verify it's you we need to send you a text to your phone."
Me: But ive lost my phone...
Them: oh yeah
Then later
Them: Once you get your new device you will need to take your old simcard and put it in your new device.
Me: But I've lost my phone, the sim card was in it so I have no sim
Them: Oh yeah....Would you like us to send you a new sim.
Anyway the new phone eventually turned up...but without a sim so I phoned up yesterday just to check that a new sim was coming only to find out that weirdly they had manually cancelled the sim part of the transaction....So...HOPEFULLY a new sim is now properly on its way and its coming in the next couple of days because if it doesnt I am so so screwed not being able to get into my paypal or bank has been an arse, but also I guess at least it shows its secure if even I the account holder cant get into it LOL.
I head up to edinburgh next week for three days for my sisters 40th birthday. I am concerned for a whole slew of reasons, mostly Booking.com killed my account because someone had booked a holiday with my account. I changed my password and notified booking.com and rather than deal with that they just closed my entire account with no way of retrieving that. Annoyingly it was through booking.com that i organised the accommodation me and my sisters are using for our stay in Edinburgh, with the whole lot already paid and non refundable (£960) Im really worried that the booking is going to get cancelled. Ive been in touch directly with the apartment owner and he says its all still on (altho he wants photos of mine and my sisters ID which im not giving him as that feels kinda fraudy), but if he cancels last minute or doesnt let us in or whatever...theres zero place I can complain or get anyone to help as booking.com has just randomly washed their hands of me for something that wasn't my fault.
I get back from edinburgh and pretty much hafta go straight into a 2 day trip to teh funeral of my very good friend. Thats going to be tricky with several hours or travelling to get there, we're staying over night i believe and then coming back following day.
Oh did I mention that inbetween all of this I have a 3000 word essay to write for school. Luckily its 5 hours up to edinbugh on teh train so hoping i can get most of the writing done then....but life feels very VERY chaotic right now LOL
So posting art might be a bit...patchy/sporadic this month. Ill try not to mess people around too much
Them: "To verify it's you we need to send you a text to your phone."
Me: But ive lost my phone...
Them: oh yeah
Then later
Them: Once you get your new device you will need to take your old simcard and put it in your new device.
Me: But I've lost my phone, the sim card was in it so I have no sim
Them: Oh yeah....Would you like us to send you a new sim.
Anyway the new phone eventually turned up...but without a sim so I phoned up yesterday just to check that a new sim was coming only to find out that weirdly they had manually cancelled the sim part of the transaction....So...HOPEFULLY a new sim is now properly on its way and its coming in the next couple of days because if it doesnt I am so so screwed not being able to get into my paypal or bank has been an arse, but also I guess at least it shows its secure if even I the account holder cant get into it LOL.
I head up to edinburgh next week for three days for my sisters 40th birthday. I am concerned for a whole slew of reasons, mostly Booking.com killed my account because someone had booked a holiday with my account. I changed my password and notified booking.com and rather than deal with that they just closed my entire account with no way of retrieving that. Annoyingly it was through booking.com that i organised the accommodation me and my sisters are using for our stay in Edinburgh, with the whole lot already paid and non refundable (£960) Im really worried that the booking is going to get cancelled. Ive been in touch directly with the apartment owner and he says its all still on (altho he wants photos of mine and my sisters ID which im not giving him as that feels kinda fraudy), but if he cancels last minute or doesnt let us in or whatever...theres zero place I can complain or get anyone to help as booking.com has just randomly washed their hands of me for something that wasn't my fault.
I get back from edinburgh and pretty much hafta go straight into a 2 day trip to teh funeral of my very good friend. Thats going to be tricky with several hours or travelling to get there, we're staying over night i believe and then coming back following day.
Oh did I mention that inbetween all of this I have a 3000 word essay to write for school. Luckily its 5 hours up to edinbugh on teh train so hoping i can get most of the writing done then....but life feels very VERY chaotic right now LOL
So posting art might be a bit...patchy/sporadic this month. Ill try not to mess people around too much
Just so you know...
General | Posted 2 years agoI'm not ok right now.
A very good friend whom ive known for almost 20 years died and whilst I knew they were pretty unwell, the death was quite sudden. This is someone who i used to go on holidays with and they babysat me from time to time and was just a really down to earth and positive person in my life. im numb and angry and lost and not really doing all that well about it. I'll be ok. Just not right this second. I dont think I need anything from anyone but I' m probably gonna be a bit distant for a bit. Focusing is proving tricky
I apologize in advance. Shine might be a day or two late this week. we shall see.
A very good friend whom ive known for almost 20 years died and whilst I knew they were pretty unwell, the death was quite sudden. This is someone who i used to go on holidays with and they babysat me from time to time and was just a really down to earth and positive person in my life. im numb and angry and lost and not really doing all that well about it. I'll be ok. Just not right this second. I dont think I need anything from anyone but I' m probably gonna be a bit distant for a bit. Focusing is proving tricky
I apologize in advance. Shine might be a day or two late this week. we shall see.
New comic news
General | Posted 2 years agoUm...so I haven't resumed cottontail Nursery yet. It's not dead I promise, but I did realize that with it on hold for now it was having an impact on my creativity. I felt obligated to draw it and every time i felt like drawing something different, a voice would pop up in my head going...NO you can't draw that because you HAVE to draw CTN so if you're not drawing CTN then you cant possibly draw anything else.
The guilt I feel for not picking up CTN at the moment is a lot. but there's also a bunch of other things I want to do that feels like CTN is blocking. So I found a work around. I have a couple of hours in the evening that I have set aside for free time. so no studying no commissions I get to do what I want. Recently those two hours have been playing balders gate 3. But a few weeks ago I thought...what if i spent those hours drawing a comic I want to draw, so the last couple of weeks I've been building up pages of a new comic.
It's an old story though. Basically I'm comicizing....(I don't think that's a word but go with me here okay) I'm basically turning my old story Pacified Perfection, into a comic in my free time. I'm also furrying it, so what were once human characters are now...not. I am basically using this as a gauge to see how efficiently I can convert a proper written story into a comic. The first page is already up on my patreon at the $10 tier https://www.patreon.com/squiggle but they will start trickling onto FA in a few weeks or so. So Wed 1st of Nov they'll start appearing here one a week.
Its a project I've been wanting to do for ages but felt like my other work commitments were preventing me from doing it, so i've cheated and moved this particular project into my fun time space rather than my obligation space. It should be quite a short comic in comparison to all my other projects so I think 20-30 pages max....but ive been wrong on these things before but it def shouldn't reach 50 pages the story is quite contained and i plan to stick to the script and not deviate
The guilt I feel for not picking up CTN at the moment is a lot. but there's also a bunch of other things I want to do that feels like CTN is blocking. So I found a work around. I have a couple of hours in the evening that I have set aside for free time. so no studying no commissions I get to do what I want. Recently those two hours have been playing balders gate 3. But a few weeks ago I thought...what if i spent those hours drawing a comic I want to draw, so the last couple of weeks I've been building up pages of a new comic.
It's an old story though. Basically I'm comicizing....(I don't think that's a word but go with me here okay) I'm basically turning my old story Pacified Perfection, into a comic in my free time. I'm also furrying it, so what were once human characters are now...not. I am basically using this as a gauge to see how efficiently I can convert a proper written story into a comic. The first page is already up on my patreon at the $10 tier https://www.patreon.com/squiggle but they will start trickling onto FA in a few weeks or so. So Wed 1st of Nov they'll start appearing here one a week.
Its a project I've been wanting to do for ages but felt like my other work commitments were preventing me from doing it, so i've cheated and moved this particular project into my fun time space rather than my obligation space. It should be quite a short comic in comparison to all my other projects so I think 20-30 pages max....but ive been wrong on these things before but it def shouldn't reach 50 pages the story is quite contained and i plan to stick to the script and not deviate
Feeling easily dented
General | Posted 2 years agoI have to go into London today for classes. I leave the house at 930am and get home at 10:30pm. It's a long day and one I'm slowly getting used to but I certainly haven't gotten used to it yet.
Part of me is dreading class today. I don't want to go, but I will go because I promised myself I'd do my best and even though I'm really low on energy and don't want folk digging around in my head today, I won't bail.
To combat my low energy I've dressed in my comfiest outfit. It's all the colours, dungarees space themed t-shirt bright stripey socks and comfy bright shoes with my fluffy hoodie from state of disarray.. the jacket Def needs a wash though, but it's helping. Kinda like putting on armor. It's giving me a +5 in being able to tackle the world. I should have brought a binkie to further enhance my stats but I'd constantly be worrying about it falling out of my pocket or something...maybe I should have bought a plushie with me....maybe I'll buy one whilst I'm in London.
Class last week was a bit of a disaster for me and it felt like I came under attack somewhat. I was playing the role of client and after the session those watching the exchange are supposed to offer constructive crit to the person playing therapist but one person basically criticised how I was as a client...which we aren't supposed to do. I felt really exposed and really...Yeah attacked. I took that back home with me and have basically mulled it over for the week come to realise I actually don't really hear myself all that well, I'm not really that aware of my process, train of thoughts. What it is I'm trying to achieve or get across when I open my mouth..or when I dont
This person said I was being really crafty and sneaky with how I was responding to questions...but when I was just answering the questions trying to be as honest as possible being called sneaky felt like I'd been slapped. WAS I being sneaky? Am I so unaware of what my motive was?
The whole point of class is that we are trying to raise awareness in one another become aware of our process and just grow in our relating to one another. So part of me wants to reject being called sneaky, but maybe it hurts a lot because there's some grain of truth there? I haven't worked it out yet, maybe it's something that isn't true and I shouldn't think any more on it, maybe I'm just enjoying hurting myself by thinking about it? I'm sure I'll work it out, but I feel emotionally depleted already today and it's only just started so dressing to feel small is kinda helping me keep me boyant.
I think I will go find a plushie to buy before class too. I haven't had a new cuddly friend in years
Part of me is dreading class today. I don't want to go, but I will go because I promised myself I'd do my best and even though I'm really low on energy and don't want folk digging around in my head today, I won't bail.
To combat my low energy I've dressed in my comfiest outfit. It's all the colours, dungarees space themed t-shirt bright stripey socks and comfy bright shoes with my fluffy hoodie from state of disarray.. the jacket Def needs a wash though, but it's helping. Kinda like putting on armor. It's giving me a +5 in being able to tackle the world. I should have brought a binkie to further enhance my stats but I'd constantly be worrying about it falling out of my pocket or something...maybe I should have bought a plushie with me....maybe I'll buy one whilst I'm in London.
Class last week was a bit of a disaster for me and it felt like I came under attack somewhat. I was playing the role of client and after the session those watching the exchange are supposed to offer constructive crit to the person playing therapist but one person basically criticised how I was as a client...which we aren't supposed to do. I felt really exposed and really...Yeah attacked. I took that back home with me and have basically mulled it over for the week come to realise I actually don't really hear myself all that well, I'm not really that aware of my process, train of thoughts. What it is I'm trying to achieve or get across when I open my mouth..or when I dont
This person said I was being really crafty and sneaky with how I was responding to questions...but when I was just answering the questions trying to be as honest as possible being called sneaky felt like I'd been slapped. WAS I being sneaky? Am I so unaware of what my motive was?
The whole point of class is that we are trying to raise awareness in one another become aware of our process and just grow in our relating to one another. So part of me wants to reject being called sneaky, but maybe it hurts a lot because there's some grain of truth there? I haven't worked it out yet, maybe it's something that isn't true and I shouldn't think any more on it, maybe I'm just enjoying hurting myself by thinking about it? I'm sure I'll work it out, but I feel emotionally depleted already today and it's only just started so dressing to feel small is kinda helping me keep me boyant.
I think I will go find a plushie to buy before class too. I haven't had a new cuddly friend in years
What's that about?
General | Posted 2 years agoI've horded soo much art over the last year that I haven't posted. I'm gonna try and start uploading stuff again. I get...Panicky about uploading sometimes. I feel like an attention hog and worry people think im just trying to get all the attention, which i'm not...But it settles in my head and messes with me so I end up hording everything other than shine pages.
I'm sorry if i havent posted the art ive drawn for you. I'll get round to it, honest. Also dont wait for me to post if you have art from me, feel free to upload to your own galleries, don't wait on my behalf okay.
The past 10 days have been manic to say the least. Monday was my first day back at school starting on the proper diploma that'll last 2 years and then if i can jump through all the hoops I'll finally be qualified to go it on my own as a counsellor. So Im out on Mondays and tuesdays and a lot of saturdays and sundays...and then it gets trickier when later in the year i start a placement and start seeing real clients so thats obviously gonna swallow even more of my time.
I feel very caught in a whirlwind at the moment. because we had a monday a tuesday a saturday and a monday already spending that long digging around in your own head and discussing stuff that comes up. I promised myself i wouldn't be the shy wallflower this year and trying to push myself to be out there more has...errr..its been a mixed bag of success so far.
Accidentally walked myself into a rather triggering event on the saturday where we were trying to get ourselves into study groups and how do you pick fairly who goes in which group. Two groups of five people and one group of 4, so three columns were drawn on the whiteboard for the three groups and people could write their name in any list. Well trying to be more assertive than normal where i probably would have been the last person picking. I went up first and wrote my name in a column. Feeling pretty happy with myself that id been brave enough to do that.
Then everyone completely filled the other two columns so no one went to be in the same column as me.
That really messed with me, put me right back to day one of my new school after moving back up to scotland. I had a really strong english accent and basically being in a rural scottish school....no one would go near me. people, including adults would change the side of teh road they were walking on. I remember one girl being forced by the teacher to share her pens on my first day and at the end of teh day the girl just threw them all in the bin saying they'd been infected by me.
So to see my name all alone in that column until the last minute where the last few people had no choice but to be in my group...felt very...um..not that great. I tried to reason with myself that actually it wasn't that people didnt want to be with me, it was more that there were folk in the other two groups that others wanted to be with. I dunno. It just left me feeling quite isolated.
But hey, it's early days. I'm sure i'll get some allies and even if i dont, I still have to get through the course. Its not a popularity contest, but yeah the course feels like it's off to a bit of a shaky start for me personally
I'm sorry if i havent posted the art ive drawn for you. I'll get round to it, honest. Also dont wait for me to post if you have art from me, feel free to upload to your own galleries, don't wait on my behalf okay.
The past 10 days have been manic to say the least. Monday was my first day back at school starting on the proper diploma that'll last 2 years and then if i can jump through all the hoops I'll finally be qualified to go it on my own as a counsellor. So Im out on Mondays and tuesdays and a lot of saturdays and sundays...and then it gets trickier when later in the year i start a placement and start seeing real clients so thats obviously gonna swallow even more of my time.
I feel very caught in a whirlwind at the moment. because we had a monday a tuesday a saturday and a monday already spending that long digging around in your own head and discussing stuff that comes up. I promised myself i wouldn't be the shy wallflower this year and trying to push myself to be out there more has...errr..its been a mixed bag of success so far.
Accidentally walked myself into a rather triggering event on the saturday where we were trying to get ourselves into study groups and how do you pick fairly who goes in which group. Two groups of five people and one group of 4, so three columns were drawn on the whiteboard for the three groups and people could write their name in any list. Well trying to be more assertive than normal where i probably would have been the last person picking. I went up first and wrote my name in a column. Feeling pretty happy with myself that id been brave enough to do that.
Then everyone completely filled the other two columns so no one went to be in the same column as me.
That really messed with me, put me right back to day one of my new school after moving back up to scotland. I had a really strong english accent and basically being in a rural scottish school....no one would go near me. people, including adults would change the side of teh road they were walking on. I remember one girl being forced by the teacher to share her pens on my first day and at the end of teh day the girl just threw them all in the bin saying they'd been infected by me.
So to see my name all alone in that column until the last minute where the last few people had no choice but to be in my group...felt very...um..not that great. I tried to reason with myself that actually it wasn't that people didnt want to be with me, it was more that there were folk in the other two groups that others wanted to be with. I dunno. It just left me feeling quite isolated.
But hey, it's early days. I'm sure i'll get some allies and even if i dont, I still have to get through the course. Its not a popularity contest, but yeah the course feels like it's off to a bit of a shaky start for me personally
Feeling a bit...Cheated
General | Posted 2 years agoSo first off this week it was back to school for me. Monday has suddenly become a really long day where i leave the house at 10am and dont get home till 11pm. theres lots of weekend workshops this year too, but i think i can handle all of that. the new class of people seem interesting, 40% of the class are from different cultures and countries so already thats a better mix of folk than my previous class plus a broad age range and no doubt just a mix of very different people. Looking forward to getting properly stuck in and getting on with it, but yeah the workload sounds intense im trying to build a backlog of shine pages just incase the essays get out of hand. I guess I just need to keep flexibility as an option.
In other news In the news a lot in the UK theres been loads of stories about how the UK largely lives on ultra processed foods, a lot of teh food we eat has emulsifiers and additives and preservatives and artifical sweeteners and how they're actually huge stroke/heartattack problems associated with these ingredients.
For years I've been picking the 'low fat/no fat options when it comes to groceries, using low cal ingredients and thinking I've been doing the right thing for losing weight. Anyway I went off and checked various ingredient lists and holy moly the random chemicals and artficial junk in all of the low/no calorie options. even things saying "Healthy" on the packet. thinks like breakfast bars and such..just full of ingredients i cant hope to pronounce.
So last week I changed the way I shop. buying stuff that had very simple ingredients listed on the packets. If it has an ingredient I dont understand what it is. I pick something else. Swapped my belvita breakfast biscuits for things like fruit, my extra low fat soft cheese with the full fat equivilent. stopped using artificial sweetner in my coffee and stacked up on nuts, chickpeas and gonna be baking my own bread from scratch.
So since getting rid of all the diet products in the house and drinking more water rather than the several cups of artificially sweetened coffee i had a day...I've dropped 9lbs and i'm kinda mixed between feeling delighted and also really pissed off. Im eating more full fat things than I ever have done in literally my entire freakin life being told. oh you need a low fat diet, less calories etc etc. Instead eating simpler things with less fake stuff in them or cooking from fresh ingredients from scratch rather than relying on extra low fat sauces making my own. I'm ust feeling like I've been a joke all these years
In other news In the news a lot in the UK theres been loads of stories about how the UK largely lives on ultra processed foods, a lot of teh food we eat has emulsifiers and additives and preservatives and artifical sweeteners and how they're actually huge stroke/heartattack problems associated with these ingredients.
For years I've been picking the 'low fat/no fat options when it comes to groceries, using low cal ingredients and thinking I've been doing the right thing for losing weight. Anyway I went off and checked various ingredient lists and holy moly the random chemicals and artficial junk in all of the low/no calorie options. even things saying "Healthy" on the packet. thinks like breakfast bars and such..just full of ingredients i cant hope to pronounce.
So last week I changed the way I shop. buying stuff that had very simple ingredients listed on the packets. If it has an ingredient I dont understand what it is. I pick something else. Swapped my belvita breakfast biscuits for things like fruit, my extra low fat soft cheese with the full fat equivilent. stopped using artificial sweetner in my coffee and stacked up on nuts, chickpeas and gonna be baking my own bread from scratch.
So since getting rid of all the diet products in the house and drinking more water rather than the several cups of artificially sweetened coffee i had a day...I've dropped 9lbs and i'm kinda mixed between feeling delighted and also really pissed off. Im eating more full fat things than I ever have done in literally my entire freakin life being told. oh you need a low fat diet, less calories etc etc. Instead eating simpler things with less fake stuff in them or cooking from fresh ingredients from scratch rather than relying on extra low fat sauces making my own. I'm ust feeling like I've been a joke all these years
w'at's a sqynx been up to
General | Posted 2 years agoWell. It's september the 1st. thats practically christmas now.
11 days before my course kicks off again and chaos kicks off. Im looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time, but we'll see what happens when it happens I guess.
I played at a punk festival a couple of weekends ago. it went pretty well. There were quite a few hornets at the campsite and one ended up walking from my arm up to my head and I was so scared it was gonna go down the nape of my tshirt, but I just stood very very still and eventually it flew away. Ive never seen a hornet THAT close and would prefer if they didnt do that again. Pretty impressive things but yeah. as someone who has a deep DEEP phobia of wasps and is allergic, having a hornet wandering around in my hair was certain a good cardio workout for my heart hahaha.
I am going on a littles retreat on sunday...hopefully...if the trains work. It was supposed to start saturday but theres train strikes so me and daddy cant get there until the trains start working again, so Sunday it is. I really REALLY REALLYREALLY need some little time so im hoping with all my fingers and toes crossed that I can go there on sunday and just be small for a couple of days because. ive been running so low on little time for so long...that i'd just really like to connect with that bit of me and feel small again which would then make me feel like myself again.
Its weird but when I dont get little time for a long time I end up as some weird muted version of myself. like my emotions kinda just feel dulled and life feels quite grey like my little side shrinks into teh background and takes all my emotions with her. So im hoping a few days of naptime and cartoons and playing might hopefully recharge me and then I can be myself again.
I started playing Disneys Lorcana which is kinda for big me but because its a Disney card game it kinda also makes me feel weirdly small, even though it's not a small thing to do. I would NOT let little me near my decks, she would just chew them.
I used to collect pokemon cards back before some of you were born. I had pretty much the whole set of original cards. When me and my ex broke up, she took all the cards so it kinda killed my enthusiasm as i had to start my decks from scratch again. So getting in on lorcana on launch day suddenly felt exciting and new and rekindled an excitement I'd forgotten. Around the same time I started replaying teh Kingdom hearts games...Well I say I restarted...what I mean is I played the first game again and am now working through teh series in order. It was a game me and my ex used to play and I never really played any of the other games because of them reminding me of my ex but because of Lorcana I randomly got an urge to play all of them. so I'm halfway through chain of memories at the moment and feeling bad its taken me this long to work through them all.
Other than that its all just drawindrawindrawin. Im really happy with some of the pieces ive been doing recently I feel quite chill about it all and feeling since having started doing a little bit of personal art here and there that its kinda revitalised my art a bit so thats pretty good.
Other than that...its my wedding anniversary on teh 20th of this month. We're not doing anything cause we never do, but it's our 15th wedding anniversary and that feels like...how did it get that many that quickly
11 days before my course kicks off again and chaos kicks off. Im looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time, but we'll see what happens when it happens I guess.
I played at a punk festival a couple of weekends ago. it went pretty well. There were quite a few hornets at the campsite and one ended up walking from my arm up to my head and I was so scared it was gonna go down the nape of my tshirt, but I just stood very very still and eventually it flew away. Ive never seen a hornet THAT close and would prefer if they didnt do that again. Pretty impressive things but yeah. as someone who has a deep DEEP phobia of wasps and is allergic, having a hornet wandering around in my hair was certain a good cardio workout for my heart hahaha.
I am going on a littles retreat on sunday...hopefully...if the trains work. It was supposed to start saturday but theres train strikes so me and daddy cant get there until the trains start working again, so Sunday it is. I really REALLY REALLYREALLY need some little time so im hoping with all my fingers and toes crossed that I can go there on sunday and just be small for a couple of days because. ive been running so low on little time for so long...that i'd just really like to connect with that bit of me and feel small again which would then make me feel like myself again.
Its weird but when I dont get little time for a long time I end up as some weird muted version of myself. like my emotions kinda just feel dulled and life feels quite grey like my little side shrinks into teh background and takes all my emotions with her. So im hoping a few days of naptime and cartoons and playing might hopefully recharge me and then I can be myself again.
I started playing Disneys Lorcana which is kinda for big me but because its a Disney card game it kinda also makes me feel weirdly small, even though it's not a small thing to do. I would NOT let little me near my decks, she would just chew them.
I used to collect pokemon cards back before some of you were born. I had pretty much the whole set of original cards. When me and my ex broke up, she took all the cards so it kinda killed my enthusiasm as i had to start my decks from scratch again. So getting in on lorcana on launch day suddenly felt exciting and new and rekindled an excitement I'd forgotten. Around the same time I started replaying teh Kingdom hearts games...Well I say I restarted...what I mean is I played the first game again and am now working through teh series in order. It was a game me and my ex used to play and I never really played any of the other games because of them reminding me of my ex but because of Lorcana I randomly got an urge to play all of them. so I'm halfway through chain of memories at the moment and feeling bad its taken me this long to work through them all.
Other than that its all just drawindrawindrawin. Im really happy with some of the pieces ive been doing recently I feel quite chill about it all and feeling since having started doing a little bit of personal art here and there that its kinda revitalised my art a bit so thats pretty good.
Other than that...its my wedding anniversary on teh 20th of this month. We're not doing anything cause we never do, but it's our 15th wedding anniversary and that feels like...how did it get that many that quickly
cottontail
General | Posted 2 years agoCottontail will be back when it's back.
A lot of folk are curious about where it is or if its coming back.
Yes it'll be back. When? I don't know.
Randomly writing messages on submissions that A- have nothing to do with CTN and B are several years old just...It doesnt make sense to do that and just ends up making me feel pressurised into a corner which is killing the creativity i need to re-start the comic.
When it comes back I want it to stay back so I need to write out the plot properly and fill some plot holes that people will just pick apart if i dont plug up.
CTN was originally funded by someone via their top teir patreon pledge, and when they eventually dropped out of that tier i continued the comic even though it wasn't really being paid for. So it can only really be drawn during my free time of which I currently have none and probably wont have much of for teh hext few years whilst i try to qualify to become a therapist. Shine and Housebroken HAVE to take priority at the moment as they're paid for already
Im sorry i cant give you an exact date as to when CTN will return. It will return just im in a bit of an art block with it and it needs some attention given to it which i currently dont have time to do. Im going camping this weekend so maybe if i have a quiet moment ill take a notepad and doodle up the timeframe of the comic to see if i can fix it.
A lot of folk are curious about where it is or if its coming back.
Yes it'll be back. When? I don't know.
Randomly writing messages on submissions that A- have nothing to do with CTN and B are several years old just...It doesnt make sense to do that and just ends up making me feel pressurised into a corner which is killing the creativity i need to re-start the comic.
When it comes back I want it to stay back so I need to write out the plot properly and fill some plot holes that people will just pick apart if i dont plug up.
CTN was originally funded by someone via their top teir patreon pledge, and when they eventually dropped out of that tier i continued the comic even though it wasn't really being paid for. So it can only really be drawn during my free time of which I currently have none and probably wont have much of for teh hext few years whilst i try to qualify to become a therapist. Shine and Housebroken HAVE to take priority at the moment as they're paid for already
Im sorry i cant give you an exact date as to when CTN will return. It will return just im in a bit of an art block with it and it needs some attention given to it which i currently dont have time to do. Im going camping this weekend so maybe if i have a quiet moment ill take a notepad and doodle up the timeframe of the comic to see if i can fix it.
okay so that's done
General | Posted 2 years agoI realised that this weeks patreon shine page a certain sergeant has the potential to turn up, and if not this week then certainly next week and I hadn't really finished recolouring Marellis into his new incarnation Marello...really not a huge deal of difference in terms of his colour or name but enough of a difference to push forward. I wanted to say thank you thank you thank you to the many many artists who reached out to offer a hand in the recolouring/fixing of Star's Sargeant. So many very lovely folk offered to help, but i think organising that would have scrambled my brain somewhat so it was just easier for me to get on and do it myself. My admin skills behind teh scenes is attrocious and trying to organise that would have just tangled me up i think
So yesterday and today I spent both days up until 10 mins ago reuploading hundreds of pages of Shine to bring the changes in. Sarge is now a fetching shade of purple and I also brought a lot of other changes in. I had coloured Kim wrong for the first 20 or so pages she turns up in so fixed those. Also Martins speechbubbles for no reason whatsoever had started off red then changed to blue for like 200 pages and then back to red so i fixed those too and a bunch of other little bits and pieces. OH and the time. I was out by a day in terms of my chronological ordering so adjusted various date indicators to bring everything back in line with the correct date.
Just lots of stuff like that. but its taken 2 days of solid work working from 7am till 8pm but its all actually done. it also means when book 3 needs to be put together for publishing a large part of that has already been done. So thats actually pretty good.
Book 2's publishing date sounds like its gonna be very potentially september if not the october I guess. so Its gonna be this side of xmas which is pretty exciting, but seeing how long the process has taken has made me realise i really need to get started on book 3 now LOL
So yesterday and today I spent both days up until 10 mins ago reuploading hundreds of pages of Shine to bring the changes in. Sarge is now a fetching shade of purple and I also brought a lot of other changes in. I had coloured Kim wrong for the first 20 or so pages she turns up in so fixed those. Also Martins speechbubbles for no reason whatsoever had started off red then changed to blue for like 200 pages and then back to red so i fixed those too and a bunch of other little bits and pieces. OH and the time. I was out by a day in terms of my chronological ordering so adjusted various date indicators to bring everything back in line with the correct date.
Just lots of stuff like that. but its taken 2 days of solid work working from 7am till 8pm but its all actually done. it also means when book 3 needs to be put together for publishing a large part of that has already been done. So thats actually pretty good.
Book 2's publishing date sounds like its gonna be very potentially september if not the october I guess. so Its gonna be this side of xmas which is pretty exciting, but seeing how long the process has taken has made me realise i really need to get started on book 3 now LOL
On a more positive note
General | Posted 2 years agoSorry the last few journals have been abit...introspective...reflecitve..I dunno. ive been digging around in my head too much really, doing spring cleaning, but you know the stage where all the drawers are tipped out and all the boxes are empty all over the room so its a right mess...That's currently where I am right now in my head. It always looks super messy before it starts feeling tidier. I'll get there but there's a process to go through I guess. I'm still feeling kinda fragile. Mostly when I start thinking about little stuff, but i'm sure in the end I'll have everything tidied away and feeling less cluttered.
It's August. It's
birfday on the 9th and her partner 
is trying to pool some money together to get Kim a new laptop so I said I'd help plug the paypal link to try and get some money together. So if you wanna help chip in for Kims birfday the paypal link is here https://www.paypal.com/donate/?host.....=MQLDH8M2CV3UQ
I've been thinking quite a bit about self care. My therapist last week said i needed to do some of that at some point. She asked me what I did to unwind and mainly i play computer games. I like stats and building up equipment and refining things etc. I've been playing Assassins creed Valhalla as it has that sort of mechanic in droves, but I've been recently coming to the conclusion that it's not quite self care. I play those games to distract away from myself, rather than focus on myself, which isn't quite the same. So I've started getting back into gardening and drinking water, and..get this...doodling pics of what i want to draw rather than what I should be drawing. Personal art fell by the wayside a long long time ago, told myself I didn't have time. So after 5pm i've been drawing scenarios and scenes of stuff I wish could happen and kinda getting a bit of a little fix from that...which has been really needed. (ill share the ones I like as and when they happen) Little me is kinda buried really deep at the moment so trying to entice her out with some pictures might actually work..I dunno it's certainly worth a shot.
It's August. It's
birfday on the 9th and her partner 
is trying to pool some money together to get Kim a new laptop so I said I'd help plug the paypal link to try and get some money together. So if you wanna help chip in for Kims birfday the paypal link is here https://www.paypal.com/donate/?host.....=MQLDH8M2CV3UQI've been thinking quite a bit about self care. My therapist last week said i needed to do some of that at some point. She asked me what I did to unwind and mainly i play computer games. I like stats and building up equipment and refining things etc. I've been playing Assassins creed Valhalla as it has that sort of mechanic in droves, but I've been recently coming to the conclusion that it's not quite self care. I play those games to distract away from myself, rather than focus on myself, which isn't quite the same. So I've started getting back into gardening and drinking water, and..get this...doodling pics of what i want to draw rather than what I should be drawing. Personal art fell by the wayside a long long time ago, told myself I didn't have time. So after 5pm i've been drawing scenarios and scenes of stuff I wish could happen and kinda getting a bit of a little fix from that...which has been really needed. (ill share the ones I like as and when they happen) Little me is kinda buried really deep at the moment so trying to entice her out with some pictures might actually work..I dunno it's certainly worth a shot.
Why do I dig?
General | Posted 2 years agoWhen my mental health gets in a bad way. I tend to disappear. I dig down and away from everyone and kinda go mute online and....Well...Everywhere. I'm not hugely active on social media at the best of times and I can go days/weeks/months without speaking to friends so no one really ever notices when I go dark. Which makes me feel more lost, I don't have anyone close that I talk to every day. I don't know why i do that. I just get tangled up in all this dark and shut down, and it gets tricky to drag myself back up.
I'm pretty sure im in the stage of life that women call perimenopausal. Its basically a year where your body screws with you until its ready for the main menopause which in itself can screw you up for....get this....Seven years. Perimenopausal screws around with your mood and brain and just plays havok with a bunch of stuff to get you ready for the proper 7 year fight, and my mood swings have been pretty frikkin abysmal and my brain is just doing it's own thing a lot of time, theres been a lot of things like gravy granuals in the fridge and milk in cupboards and just...i'm being more of a liability than normal, thats for certain.
So I've been feeling really down about myself in every aspect of what that entails, my life, my art, my body, my little side. No stone has been left un-turned and I'm just being woefully fragile right now. I'm feeling today is a brighter day...which is how i'm managing to write this and respond to notes and stuff and picking back up, Its making concentrating on comics difficult...heck it's making concentrating on anything difficult which considering Ive just started a diploma course...this should be interesting but if this is how it's gonna be for the next seven years then life has just gotten a bit trickier.
I mention this because I might not be in the best state to help others right now. I get a lot of notes asking for advice or just random trauma dumping because my comic has always attracted people who have felt lost/alone about this subject matter so it makes sense I get messaged a lot with people telling me their life stories and various issues...but at the moment im kinda feeling a bit swamped by my own issues and as much as that sounds really self indulgent...I'm just...I'm sorry if i'm coming across as blunt or uncaring or just a bit aggressive and stuff at the moment. That's really not me, but it might be me for a little while until i work out how to get myself under control a bit better. So sorry lots in advance
I'm pretty sure im in the stage of life that women call perimenopausal. Its basically a year where your body screws with you until its ready for the main menopause which in itself can screw you up for....get this....Seven years. Perimenopausal screws around with your mood and brain and just plays havok with a bunch of stuff to get you ready for the proper 7 year fight, and my mood swings have been pretty frikkin abysmal and my brain is just doing it's own thing a lot of time, theres been a lot of things like gravy granuals in the fridge and milk in cupboards and just...i'm being more of a liability than normal, thats for certain.
So I've been feeling really down about myself in every aspect of what that entails, my life, my art, my body, my little side. No stone has been left un-turned and I'm just being woefully fragile right now. I'm feeling today is a brighter day...which is how i'm managing to write this and respond to notes and stuff and picking back up, Its making concentrating on comics difficult...heck it's making concentrating on anything difficult which considering Ive just started a diploma course...this should be interesting but if this is how it's gonna be for the next seven years then life has just gotten a bit trickier.
I mention this because I might not be in the best state to help others right now. I get a lot of notes asking for advice or just random trauma dumping because my comic has always attracted people who have felt lost/alone about this subject matter so it makes sense I get messaged a lot with people telling me their life stories and various issues...but at the moment im kinda feeling a bit swamped by my own issues and as much as that sounds really self indulgent...I'm just...I'm sorry if i'm coming across as blunt or uncaring or just a bit aggressive and stuff at the moment. That's really not me, but it might be me for a little while until i work out how to get myself under control a bit better. So sorry lots in advance
crutch
General | Posted 2 years agoOkay so I took the first chunk of commissions and with the upcoming weekend free I'll prolly have most of them done by this time next week so I'll let folk know when I pick the next ten. Huzzah.
I'm feeling pretty motivated at the moment so have jumped on trying to get healthy again. I've got a date in mind on the 17th of November. It's my sister's fortieth birthday and I am off to Edinburgh for that weekend to celebrate with my sisters.
I've never done that. Like....ever. it just being me and my sisters. So I have 4 months to drop some weight and generally get motivated to feel good about myself. I can probably easily drop 20lb in that time...truthfully knowing me when I get motivated I can probably drop double that (and did exactly that a few years ago before my own fortieth birthday. So yeah getting serious about this again whilst I have time and inclination.
I'm telling you lot as a sort of crutch. Often I keep ideas in my head, promise myself I'll do something and then not do it but no one else knows I failed because no one knew anything about the idea. So if I say it out loud that I plan to loose a bunch of weight, then I kinda have to do it. See. Solid plan.
I also played the new final fantasy and felt conflicted. The story is one of the more solid stories and character development was great. It all looked soo pretty. But where was the fricking loot, and what's the point of monster spoils if there's nothing to craft with them???? Now that's finished I had to start playing assassin's creed Valhalla just to get the looting/pillaging/crafting need in me fixed. Seriously I've never played a final fantasy that was so sparse on any form of levelling up grind etc...which is why I love those games. So felt really sadly hollow to me. But I'm sure there are others out there who are glad all that's gone. But yeah back to vikinging for me.
I'm feeling pretty motivated at the moment so have jumped on trying to get healthy again. I've got a date in mind on the 17th of November. It's my sister's fortieth birthday and I am off to Edinburgh for that weekend to celebrate with my sisters.
I've never done that. Like....ever. it just being me and my sisters. So I have 4 months to drop some weight and generally get motivated to feel good about myself. I can probably easily drop 20lb in that time...truthfully knowing me when I get motivated I can probably drop double that (and did exactly that a few years ago before my own fortieth birthday. So yeah getting serious about this again whilst I have time and inclination.
I'm telling you lot as a sort of crutch. Often I keep ideas in my head, promise myself I'll do something and then not do it but no one else knows I failed because no one knew anything about the idea. So if I say it out loud that I plan to loose a bunch of weight, then I kinda have to do it. See. Solid plan.
I also played the new final fantasy and felt conflicted. The story is one of the more solid stories and character development was great. It all looked soo pretty. But where was the fricking loot, and what's the point of monster spoils if there's nothing to craft with them???? Now that's finished I had to start playing assassin's creed Valhalla just to get the looting/pillaging/crafting need in me fixed. Seriously I've never played a final fantasy that was so sparse on any form of levelling up grind etc...which is why I love those games. So felt really sadly hollow to me. But I'm sure there are others out there who are glad all that's gone. But yeah back to vikinging for me.
Opening Commissions *GASPS*
General | Posted 2 years agoSo I'm gonna open commissions up. NO one saw THAT coming huh.
I know right? Like I havent had time or space to do that this WHOLE year. so I'm kinda excited now that classes are over for a few months and the puppet show is over and I just have some room to breathe a little and draw for folk and so I'll be opening in 10 slot batches.
The newest YCH I uploaded today is actually not part of all of this. So that can be had right now by anyone, you don't have to follow this process in order to claim the princess v goblin ych. Just follow the instructions on the PrincessvGoblin ych.
OKay, on with the commissioning thing....
So before I open I should just say,
Please if you want a commission please please familiarise yourself with my price list here
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/37536273/
and in the artist comment on the price list you'll also find a link to my terms and conditions and what i will/wont draw and all the useful stuff you'll need to commisison me. If you ask a question thats on my terms of service I am going to respond with 'Please read my terms of service' So please read them before commissioning me
All payments via paypal and Im willing to set up payment plans if needed.
Also all old YCHs now are back to being available, if you cant think of something you want you can browse that folder of mine https://www.furaffinity.net/gallery.....ways-available
So. Trying to make this fair again. I can't really do a first come first served because that would suck for folk not in my time zone. So Just a small form please and ill assign folk numbers and do random number picker to pick the first ten people ill be doing their commission
So please comment on this journal if you would like a commission with the following.
1. Type "I would like a commission please" Just so im absouletly sure you def want one and not just commenting for the fun of it.
2. Briefly tell me what you would like. Eg. 2 characters shaded with background.
I'll then assign you a number and will pick ten tomoro (24 hours after this journal goes up) to work on. once those are cleared from my queue I'll pick a further ten, and so on/so forth.
Thats it. no other details, nothing complicated, just do that and I'll assign you a number
I know right? Like I havent had time or space to do that this WHOLE year. so I'm kinda excited now that classes are over for a few months and the puppet show is over and I just have some room to breathe a little and draw for folk and so I'll be opening in 10 slot batches.
The newest YCH I uploaded today is actually not part of all of this. So that can be had right now by anyone, you don't have to follow this process in order to claim the princess v goblin ych. Just follow the instructions on the PrincessvGoblin ych.
OKay, on with the commissioning thing....
So before I open I should just say,
Please if you want a commission please please familiarise yourself with my price list here
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/37536273/
and in the artist comment on the price list you'll also find a link to my terms and conditions and what i will/wont draw and all the useful stuff you'll need to commisison me. If you ask a question thats on my terms of service I am going to respond with 'Please read my terms of service' So please read them before commissioning me
All payments via paypal and Im willing to set up payment plans if needed.
Also all old YCHs now are back to being available, if you cant think of something you want you can browse that folder of mine https://www.furaffinity.net/gallery.....ways-available
So. Trying to make this fair again. I can't really do a first come first served because that would suck for folk not in my time zone. So Just a small form please and ill assign folk numbers and do random number picker to pick the first ten people ill be doing their commission
So please comment on this journal if you would like a commission with the following.
1. Type "I would like a commission please" Just so im absouletly sure you def want one and not just commenting for the fun of it.
2. Briefly tell me what you would like. Eg. 2 characters shaded with background.
I'll then assign you a number and will pick ten tomoro (24 hours after this journal goes up) to work on. once those are cleared from my queue I'll pick a further ten, and so on/so forth.
Thats it. no other details, nothing complicated, just do that and I'll assign you a number
Almost done
General | Posted 2 years agoSo. Next week is my last class until september we get our certificates that day and pass the class...Thats the plan at least.
We planned the ending right up to everything that we'd cover and do and just recognize if theres stuff left undone or unsaid and at first I thought this was all silly. But truthfully when you think about it, most endings are out of our control, relationships end, people die, we have to move house, we loose a job. Endings often come abruptly and unexpectedly and we're completely out of our depth and dragged along without any say.
The usual way I deal with endings is. if i know one is coming, I'll check out early. I'll just withdraw from the situation before the actual ending so as to protect myself from feeling..well...anything. Sometimes I may even make an excuse and not even turn up physically let alone mentally. I'm a bit of a coward like that. So to be able to plan the ending of this group/class feels like a really privileged thing to do, to be able to experience an ending in such a controlled and gentle way is really gonna feel strange and different.
Other things that may or may not end.
As everyone knows the rules of FA are being tightened and the grace period for galleries to be cleaned up comes to an end tomoro. I havent really done any housekeeping. I don't think any of my stuff really falls into the categories that folk are worrying about, but if I do get banned for whatever reason I don't actually have anywhere I'm posting any of my comics other than at patreon
https://www.patreon.com/squiggle You can see the same updates on patreon as you can on FA for the $1 tier so when pages are posted on FA they become unlocked on patreon at the lowest tier.
Will I post my comics other places....Truthfully I don't really know of anywhere else they'd be welcome. I am not going to inkbunny and twitter is pointless. I hate discord with a passion and im actually not sure how to set up an art only posting thingy on telegram and it wouldnt link the pages so that would just irritate me. SO if i go down here I will maybe think of building my own site for hosting my comics. I've run and built websites before so I will probably just do that truthfully.
IM trying to build a backlog of comic pages and hording a bunch of sketched pages for various comics. I really need to build up a vault of stuff so i can give myself some time to finish recolouring marellis out of the comic. that should all be finished in the next couple of weeks.
Anyway thats me mostly up to date mostly. Hope stuff is okay with you there.
We planned the ending right up to everything that we'd cover and do and just recognize if theres stuff left undone or unsaid and at first I thought this was all silly. But truthfully when you think about it, most endings are out of our control, relationships end, people die, we have to move house, we loose a job. Endings often come abruptly and unexpectedly and we're completely out of our depth and dragged along without any say.
The usual way I deal with endings is. if i know one is coming, I'll check out early. I'll just withdraw from the situation before the actual ending so as to protect myself from feeling..well...anything. Sometimes I may even make an excuse and not even turn up physically let alone mentally. I'm a bit of a coward like that. So to be able to plan the ending of this group/class feels like a really privileged thing to do, to be able to experience an ending in such a controlled and gentle way is really gonna feel strange and different.
Other things that may or may not end.
As everyone knows the rules of FA are being tightened and the grace period for galleries to be cleaned up comes to an end tomoro. I havent really done any housekeeping. I don't think any of my stuff really falls into the categories that folk are worrying about, but if I do get banned for whatever reason I don't actually have anywhere I'm posting any of my comics other than at patreon
https://www.patreon.com/squiggle You can see the same updates on patreon as you can on FA for the $1 tier so when pages are posted on FA they become unlocked on patreon at the lowest tier.
Will I post my comics other places....Truthfully I don't really know of anywhere else they'd be welcome. I am not going to inkbunny and twitter is pointless. I hate discord with a passion and im actually not sure how to set up an art only posting thingy on telegram and it wouldnt link the pages so that would just irritate me. SO if i go down here I will maybe think of building my own site for hosting my comics. I've run and built websites before so I will probably just do that truthfully.
IM trying to build a backlog of comic pages and hording a bunch of sketched pages for various comics. I really need to build up a vault of stuff so i can give myself some time to finish recolouring marellis out of the comic. that should all be finished in the next couple of weeks.
Anyway thats me mostly up to date mostly. Hope stuff is okay with you there.
Updates
General | Posted 2 years agoSo the nice stuff first then you can ignore the rest. Sunday I tried to stream, you may have missed it mainly because I couldnt get OBS to work, I tried uninstalling and reinstalling and that didnt fix anything. Theres a bunch of window updates I havent done so part of me thinks its probably to do with that, but after faffing for so long with OBS I lost the will to fight any further so did a bunch of sketches off stream from the raffle. I'll post them to the various people via drop box links and sort out a proper stream in the not too distant future once ive done the window updates and junk.
Book 2's final edits have been sent to the publisher now, so I'll let folk know more when I know it but its def almost ready.
I also have 2 kittens called Bell and Bubble now. They're about 15 weeks old and causing a huge amount of distraction and entertainment. One of them hates my tablet pen so trying to draw when she's around is um...proving a challenge.
Okay so now onto the not so great stuff.
(this next bit is heavy-cw suicide)
I've been in a bit of a messed up funk this week. Last week a friend made a suicide attempt. I was on my way into therapy class at the time so spent the whole journey in, trying to chat to them to provide distraction and whatnot. Therapy class started and i didnt go in as i was waiting for confirmation that their partner was with them before i felt it would be okay to go. So I was late to class by quite a bit and truthfully in a bit of a mess myself. My friend was eventually talked down and things are calmer, which im grateful for but for that afternoon..Gosh...The tangle of emotions I got myself in.
Ultimately one of my end goals to qualifying as a therapist would be to help suicidal people, but dealing with my friend last week really made me realise I have a LONG way to go. When my best friend took his life 8 years ago i helped avert several attempts before he succeeded and just the whole thing last week massively triggered all this pain from his death and that overwhelming grief. i really hate how i dont have a handle on it and i dont have the tools to deal with it still, and how i don't think I can help my friend, and how a large part of me just wants to completely run from the situation cause I just cant deal with getting hurt like that again. How many attempts will it take before this friend also succeeds? I know thats not what I should be thinking but thats where my brain keeps going, over and over and over.
So that whole thing has just been going around in my head a lot the last 6 days, tying me up in knots. Making me feel sick. It's not my friends fault she's mentally unwell though It's really impacted my own mental health too and I just don't know how to reconcile that at the moment. So just having to be with all those uncomfortable feelings, being stuck. Not really knowing what's best to do, and thats probably all i can do at the moment.
Needless to say my energy levels have been poor at best and down right abysmal at their worst this week. Im becoming increasingly convinced that im still suffering from covid symptoms as im just at a level of exhaustion ive never really experienced before and it seems almost constant. the amount of naps i have in a day now is just...alarming, truthfully. I really should see a doctor about it but im not even sure theres anything you can really do for just being tired to the point where just walking up the stairs is a major marathon. On the plus side ive also been losing weight so there is a bonus to all of this LOL
I'm gonna cheat and turn off journal comments on this one. Twice in teh same month huh. I know lots of folk are really lovely but i dont want anyone speculating on my friends suicide attempt. as usual tho notes are open if anyone wants to get in touch. I promise the next journal will be less heavy. sorry
Book 2's final edits have been sent to the publisher now, so I'll let folk know more when I know it but its def almost ready.
I also have 2 kittens called Bell and Bubble now. They're about 15 weeks old and causing a huge amount of distraction and entertainment. One of them hates my tablet pen so trying to draw when she's around is um...proving a challenge.
Okay so now onto the not so great stuff.
(this next bit is heavy-cw suicide)
I've been in a bit of a messed up funk this week. Last week a friend made a suicide attempt. I was on my way into therapy class at the time so spent the whole journey in, trying to chat to them to provide distraction and whatnot. Therapy class started and i didnt go in as i was waiting for confirmation that their partner was with them before i felt it would be okay to go. So I was late to class by quite a bit and truthfully in a bit of a mess myself. My friend was eventually talked down and things are calmer, which im grateful for but for that afternoon..Gosh...The tangle of emotions I got myself in.
Ultimately one of my end goals to qualifying as a therapist would be to help suicidal people, but dealing with my friend last week really made me realise I have a LONG way to go. When my best friend took his life 8 years ago i helped avert several attempts before he succeeded and just the whole thing last week massively triggered all this pain from his death and that overwhelming grief. i really hate how i dont have a handle on it and i dont have the tools to deal with it still, and how i don't think I can help my friend, and how a large part of me just wants to completely run from the situation cause I just cant deal with getting hurt like that again. How many attempts will it take before this friend also succeeds? I know thats not what I should be thinking but thats where my brain keeps going, over and over and over.
So that whole thing has just been going around in my head a lot the last 6 days, tying me up in knots. Making me feel sick. It's not my friends fault she's mentally unwell though It's really impacted my own mental health too and I just don't know how to reconcile that at the moment. So just having to be with all those uncomfortable feelings, being stuck. Not really knowing what's best to do, and thats probably all i can do at the moment.
Needless to say my energy levels have been poor at best and down right abysmal at their worst this week. Im becoming increasingly convinced that im still suffering from covid symptoms as im just at a level of exhaustion ive never really experienced before and it seems almost constant. the amount of naps i have in a day now is just...alarming, truthfully. I really should see a doctor about it but im not even sure theres anything you can really do for just being tired to the point where just walking up the stairs is a major marathon. On the plus side ive also been losing weight so there is a bonus to all of this LOL
I'm gonna cheat and turn off journal comments on this one. Twice in teh same month huh. I know lots of folk are really lovely but i dont want anyone speculating on my friends suicide attempt. as usual tho notes are open if anyone wants to get in touch. I promise the next journal will be less heavy. sorry
Housekeeping
General | Posted 2 years agoOkay so I'm not sure if I told people this or not...but I've started using Trello properly to keep folk up to date on patreon and commissions and such
https://trello.com/b/l2kL4BUR/commission-queue. Since the puppet show is over and the various school assesments are over for this current semester I've been rapidly catching up on overdue work. so genuinely almost cleared my queue largely compared to what it was. If anyone is waiting for art and sont see themselves on my current trello list above, then please poke me and get in touch.
I'll be open real life genuine commissions on the 3rd of july. The first time this year ive actually had time and space to do something like that. Im looking forward to it.
Theres also still a few days left to sign up for my freebee sketch stream at the weekend. To sign up to that you just hafta go here https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10570649/
As for CTN I plan to start bringing that back next week. Sorry for the extended hiatus on that, it got trapped in a bit of an art block, but my owrry is if i dont kick start it again soon it'll just stay dead. so gonna start working on that again this week.
IM halfway thru replacing marellis in shine (ill update all pages at once once I have them all ready to go).
IM also halfway thru the final edit for book 2 fixing final little bits so book 2 should be ready soonish sorry for the wait
Thank you to everyone who'se been speaking to me over the past few days. I appreciate you all and your thoughts. My notes are always open to anyone who wants to chat.
https://trello.com/b/l2kL4BUR/commission-queue. Since the puppet show is over and the various school assesments are over for this current semester I've been rapidly catching up on overdue work. so genuinely almost cleared my queue largely compared to what it was. If anyone is waiting for art and sont see themselves on my current trello list above, then please poke me and get in touch.
I'll be open real life genuine commissions on the 3rd of july. The first time this year ive actually had time and space to do something like that. Im looking forward to it.
Theres also still a few days left to sign up for my freebee sketch stream at the weekend. To sign up to that you just hafta go here https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10570649/
As for CTN I plan to start bringing that back next week. Sorry for the extended hiatus on that, it got trapped in a bit of an art block, but my owrry is if i dont kick start it again soon it'll just stay dead. so gonna start working on that again this week.
IM halfway thru replacing marellis in shine (ill update all pages at once once I have them all ready to go).
IM also halfway thru the final edit for book 2 fixing final little bits so book 2 should be ready soonish sorry for the wait
Thank you to everyone who'se been speaking to me over the past few days. I appreciate you all and your thoughts. My notes are always open to anyone who wants to chat.
confession time
General | Posted 2 years agoDuring confuzzled this year I had a really amazing chat with a very good friend, and at one point they listed all these really lovely qualities that they saw in me, called me genuine and kind and caring, called me honest, and trustworthy and I certainly aspire to be those things, but there's always this bit of me at the back that reminds me that I've not been being honest with folk in the past and it weighs on me a lot.
Hearing someone I really care about calling me honest was kinda the thing that broke me, made me realize I really need to confess, rip the band aid off and just...deal with the consequences of my past actions. It's just been eating at me because so many of you have so much faith in me these days and that there are soo many of you.
For years I was finding stock images and anime art and drawing over the top to steal the poses. Then drawing my own art into those poses. I certainly didn't do it all the time. Mainly when I was being lazy and uninspired on how to draw certain poses. But yeah it was certainly something I used to do.
I'm not gonna make excuses. I haven't done it for a long while but that doesn't excuse that it was in my past. It's something I absolutely did and something i've carried with me for a long time, I'm sorry.
I’ve been too much of a coward to face up to it. Not wanting people to be disappointed in me. Not wanting to open myself up to hate coming from people I care about. It was all those things that have been preventing me from saying anything.
I'm going to keep drawing and hope people eventually understand that I'm not that person these days and havent been for a long time. I understand that for some folk I may have destroyed their trust in me and it's going to take a while to rebuild and for some folk it just might not be fixable.
I'm going to turn off comments, mainly cause i don't want folk fighting on my behalf or trying to defend me against people who might be cross, but I will keep notes open if anyone feels the need to say something direct to me.
I want to be worthy of being called honest and genuine and I can’t do that with that stuff in my past, but hopefully going forward I can begin building that properly.
Once again. Sorry.
Hearing someone I really care about calling me honest was kinda the thing that broke me, made me realize I really need to confess, rip the band aid off and just...deal with the consequences of my past actions. It's just been eating at me because so many of you have so much faith in me these days and that there are soo many of you.
For years I was finding stock images and anime art and drawing over the top to steal the poses. Then drawing my own art into those poses. I certainly didn't do it all the time. Mainly when I was being lazy and uninspired on how to draw certain poses. But yeah it was certainly something I used to do.
I'm not gonna make excuses. I haven't done it for a long while but that doesn't excuse that it was in my past. It's something I absolutely did and something i've carried with me for a long time, I'm sorry.
I’ve been too much of a coward to face up to it. Not wanting people to be disappointed in me. Not wanting to open myself up to hate coming from people I care about. It was all those things that have been preventing me from saying anything.
I'm going to keep drawing and hope people eventually understand that I'm not that person these days and havent been for a long time. I understand that for some folk I may have destroyed their trust in me and it's going to take a while to rebuild and for some folk it just might not be fixable.
I'm going to turn off comments, mainly cause i don't want folk fighting on my behalf or trying to defend me against people who might be cross, but I will keep notes open if anyone feels the need to say something direct to me.
I want to be worthy of being called honest and genuine and I can’t do that with that stuff in my past, but hopefully going forward I can begin building that properly.
Once again. Sorry.
sorry sorry
General | Posted 2 years agoThe sketch stream is gonna hafta be postponed until next weekend I'm afraid as I kinda accidentally stayed in the sun too much yesterday and so have been super haleadachy/feeling queasy today. Woke up at 4:15am and couldn't get back to sleep cause of the heat. it's one of those things that America actually does do quite well...air conditioning. It's not really a thing here unless you're in an office or shop. So am very much not at my best. I've drunk buckets of water hoping it would fix me by this afternoon but yeah still feeling rough...
Bleugh. Sorry sorry for the delay
Bleugh. Sorry sorry for the delay
21...again. birfday sketch stream sign up
General | Posted 2 years agoSo I'm 21 for the second time.....making me 42.
I am in no shape wiser or ..you know....any more understanding how being alive and juggling life works. Zero clue.
I've had a pretty chill day in London. Daddy took me to see 'the play that goes wrong' which was a play I'd been wanting to see for a very long time so finally checked that off my wishlist and it was worth the wait.
So because I wasn't home today I couldn't do my annual birfday freebee stream but next Sunday I'm home alone so can doodle folk all day then.
So here's what I need you to fill in and I'll allocate you a number to be picked by random number generator....
1. Character ref/or pic/or description
2 do you want them drawn adult or baby or kid...lemme know what age basically
3 diapers yes or no
So yeah just answer those three questions and post them in the comment section below and I'll allocate you a number
I'm not gonna get you to jump thru any other hoops. Let's just keep this simple so I can get thru as many people as possible.
I'll post a 'strwaming live' journal when I finally go live on Sunday.
Looking forward to seeing folk there
I am in no shape wiser or ..you know....any more understanding how being alive and juggling life works. Zero clue.
I've had a pretty chill day in London. Daddy took me to see 'the play that goes wrong' which was a play I'd been wanting to see for a very long time so finally checked that off my wishlist and it was worth the wait.
So because I wasn't home today I couldn't do my annual birfday freebee stream but next Sunday I'm home alone so can doodle folk all day then.
So here's what I need you to fill in and I'll allocate you a number to be picked by random number generator....
1. Character ref/or pic/or description
2 do you want them drawn adult or baby or kid...lemme know what age basically
3 diapers yes or no
So yeah just answer those three questions and post them in the comment section below and I'll allocate you a number
I'm not gonna get you to jump thru any other hoops. Let's just keep this simple so I can get thru as many people as possible.
I'll post a 'strwaming live' journal when I finally go live on Sunday.
Looking forward to seeing folk there
Back to the grind
General | Posted 2 years agoConfuzzled was awesomely chaotic as usual.
I was involved in a few things this year so was running my scribbled panel, was playing an hour long set as part of Glastonfurry and was part of Pawpets. Glastonfurry was awesome, mainly because so many friends came to see me play, which made me just feel so loved and grateful and incredibly lucky.
Anyone who was there (or who wasnt and wants copies of my two albums they're here)
https://www.dropbox.com/sh/yz8ytvss.....SUU4tSVna?dl=0
Glastonfurry and Scribbles wasn't filmed (which is prolly for the best) But you can actually watch the whole pawpets show here.
https://confuzzled.tv/video/b32e977.....c-04c81935957a
I haven't watched it myself...I think i might do later but for now just need a bit of a break from it all having pretty much lived and breathed it solidly for 4 months.
So thank you so much to everyone who hung out with me and chatted to me and just...I really miss it already although def feel a little burnt out and condroppy yesterday and today. A bit dazed I think. It was lovely getting to hang out with so many amazing people.
Completely knackered and full of con-crud (not covid as ive been testing) but getting back to the real world catching up on notes and trying to get comic pages drawn. Back to work.
I was involved in a few things this year so was running my scribbled panel, was playing an hour long set as part of Glastonfurry and was part of Pawpets. Glastonfurry was awesome, mainly because so many friends came to see me play, which made me just feel so loved and grateful and incredibly lucky.
Anyone who was there (or who wasnt and wants copies of my two albums they're here)
https://www.dropbox.com/sh/yz8ytvss.....SUU4tSVna?dl=0
Glastonfurry and Scribbles wasn't filmed (which is prolly for the best) But you can actually watch the whole pawpets show here.
https://confuzzled.tv/video/b32e977.....c-04c81935957a
I haven't watched it myself...I think i might do later but for now just need a bit of a break from it all having pretty much lived and breathed it solidly for 4 months.
So thank you so much to everyone who hung out with me and chatted to me and just...I really miss it already although def feel a little burnt out and condroppy yesterday and today. A bit dazed I think. It was lovely getting to hang out with so many amazing people.
Completely knackered and full of con-crud (not covid as ive been testing) but getting back to the real world catching up on notes and trying to get comic pages drawn. Back to work.
Almost away...And soonbe freebees
General | Posted 2 years agoSo I'm off to confuzzled today and probably wont be online here really until Tuesday once I leave.
Im looking forward to having a break from stress and the real world for a few days and when I get back I'll deal with all of that.
It'll also be my birthday on Sunday the 4th and I dont know if theres anything planned maybe i'll just sleep I dunno...possibly ask for some little time?... But I normally also do a freebie sketch stream or do some art for people so I will also set that up.
So I'll do a freebee sketch stream all day on Sunday the 11th. (mainly cause i dont want to say I'll do it on my birthday incase something has been planned then i'll have to cancel stuff, But I know I'm DEF free on Sunday the 11th so I'll set up a sign up journal for that when I get back from the con, so that people can get a raffle number and dont necessarily have to be in the stream if they cant attend. I havent done a freebee sketch stream in a while which is dumb cause im paying for picarto subscription so I should absoluetly use that more. So come watch me doodle stuff and do a weird late birfday stream.
Im looking forward to having a break from stress and the real world for a few days and when I get back I'll deal with all of that.
It'll also be my birthday on Sunday the 4th and I dont know if theres anything planned maybe i'll just sleep I dunno...possibly ask for some little time?... But I normally also do a freebie sketch stream or do some art for people so I will also set that up.
So I'll do a freebee sketch stream all day on Sunday the 11th. (mainly cause i dont want to say I'll do it on my birthday incase something has been planned then i'll have to cancel stuff, But I know I'm DEF free on Sunday the 11th so I'll set up a sign up journal for that when I get back from the con, so that people can get a raffle number and dont necessarily have to be in the stream if they cant attend. I havent done a freebee sketch stream in a while which is dumb cause im paying for picarto subscription so I should absoluetly use that more. So come watch me doodle stuff and do a weird late birfday stream.
About Confuzzled and junk
General | Posted 2 years agoSo. its almost confuzzled. I'm hoping to get there some time on Thursday but that now might not happen.
My husband was in a car crash and whilst he's okay (and so are the other party) it pretty much wrote our car off. we're hoping to get it fixed but the earliest it can get fixed is thursday...so...we dont know exactly what time its getting fixed but yeah..thursday sometime. *fingers crossed....OH speaking of fingers.... *beautiful segue, Star, really stunning...*
I also today managed to slice the top of my thumb off...again. It was quite funny actually. i did it a little while ago and healed pretty nice, then today, I was cutting a bagel for lunch with the same knife that had maimed me a few months before and was thinking..ive gotten really good at using this knife, i havent cut myself in agess......ow.
it literally went exactly like that.
I think this specific knife has got a taste for my blood now, so i think i might have to throw it away in case it finally manages to end me.
but yeah left thumb is suddenly a little bit shorter...not sure if thats gonna impact my guitar playing ability as I have an hour long set to play on the saturday evening at confuzzled...um...i guess we shall see.
I've also started using trello again to organise my commission queue. I used it a while back and got all tangled up in it, but actually its a pretty useful tool so if people wanna keep an eye on whats going on you can see my commission queue and to-do list as such here
https://trello.com/b/l2kL4BUR/commission-queue
i'll try harder to keep it up to date.
I also started the task of fixing all the various shine pages. Marellis is now called Marello so that shouldnt mess with speech bubbles too much and now hes kinda a dark purple with grey markings. I'll do allll the pages and then upload them all at the same time so it doesnt confuse anyone who may be reading from the beginning.. Im currently at pg 226 so probably already half the way thru what i need to get done.
Still feeling mighty weird about all of that and not sure i want to process stuff until after confuzzled.
At confuzzled ive promised myself i'll be putting all the real world junk that's going on around me at the moment to one side and just shake all of that off for a few days. im looking forward to just being in that bubble of positive vibes and good feelings and really if anyone sees me i am absolutely up for hugs, head patts, butt patts and just yeah i really wanna throw myself into the vibe. i'd also love to please be patronised/talked down to like a kid..i am really missing any kinda of littleness in my life at the moment and my tank is so running on fumes that i'm kinda weirdly desperate/needy for that kind of contact, and confuzzled might just be one of those places that maybe hopefully i can connect to that part of me again...just for a moment...before I hafta go back to adulting. I'm just so so tired of all the adulting right now, I really need a break so confuzzled couldn't have come at a better time.
looking forward to seeing folk there.
My husband was in a car crash and whilst he's okay (and so are the other party) it pretty much wrote our car off. we're hoping to get it fixed but the earliest it can get fixed is thursday...so...we dont know exactly what time its getting fixed but yeah..thursday sometime. *fingers crossed....OH speaking of fingers.... *beautiful segue, Star, really stunning...*
I also today managed to slice the top of my thumb off...again. It was quite funny actually. i did it a little while ago and healed pretty nice, then today, I was cutting a bagel for lunch with the same knife that had maimed me a few months before and was thinking..ive gotten really good at using this knife, i havent cut myself in agess......ow.
it literally went exactly like that.
I think this specific knife has got a taste for my blood now, so i think i might have to throw it away in case it finally manages to end me.
but yeah left thumb is suddenly a little bit shorter...not sure if thats gonna impact my guitar playing ability as I have an hour long set to play on the saturday evening at confuzzled...um...i guess we shall see.
I've also started using trello again to organise my commission queue. I used it a while back and got all tangled up in it, but actually its a pretty useful tool so if people wanna keep an eye on whats going on you can see my commission queue and to-do list as such here
https://trello.com/b/l2kL4BUR/commission-queue
i'll try harder to keep it up to date.
I also started the task of fixing all the various shine pages. Marellis is now called Marello so that shouldnt mess with speech bubbles too much and now hes kinda a dark purple with grey markings. I'll do allll the pages and then upload them all at the same time so it doesnt confuse anyone who may be reading from the beginning.. Im currently at pg 226 so probably already half the way thru what i need to get done.
Still feeling mighty weird about all of that and not sure i want to process stuff until after confuzzled.
At confuzzled ive promised myself i'll be putting all the real world junk that's going on around me at the moment to one side and just shake all of that off for a few days. im looking forward to just being in that bubble of positive vibes and good feelings and really if anyone sees me i am absolutely up for hugs, head patts, butt patts and just yeah i really wanna throw myself into the vibe. i'd also love to please be patronised/talked down to like a kid..i am really missing any kinda of littleness in my life at the moment and my tank is so running on fumes that i'm kinda weirdly desperate/needy for that kind of contact, and confuzzled might just be one of those places that maybe hopefully i can connect to that part of me again...just for a moment...before I hafta go back to adulting. I'm just so so tired of all the adulting right now, I really need a break so confuzzled couldn't have come at a better time.
looking forward to seeing folk there.
