What is so special about me?

Why do so many of you care what happens to me? I haven't heard from so many of you in so long, I thought I was already forgotten. Some of your I know I've actually hurt, and didn't deserve any kind of attention from you.

I have nothing left to offer anyone. If I disappeared, it would be no different than a piece of trash disappearing into a trash bin. So tell me, what is so special about me?

I had such aspirations...

20 years ago, I had joined this fandom with lofty goals. I wanted to create a world for my characters to live in. Compelling stories I could share with the world. And a cast of likable characters people wanted to see.

I threw myself into art, but it got too hard, so I gave up. Then I threw myself into writing, and then that got too hard, so I gave up. I tried relying on others, but it proved impossible.

And now, sitting here, reflecting on what I actually have accomplished, I realize I have next to nothing. My art was always third rate. My stories are badly constructed nonsense. And my characters are one dimensional at best. Worst of all, I have let my base instincts control the majority of my output.

20 years, and I have nothing. Nothing to show for what I wanted to accomplish. My endeavors will be lost to time, forgotten as the derivative trash it is.

I've looked deep within myself. I've tried to find some kind of motivation to improve myself. I just don't have it. I can't be one of those few who finds that creative spark to push through.

I am truly sorry everyone. I know I am letting you down with my decision. I have formed bonds with many of you, and I am likely hurting you with this decision. All I can say is please don't mourn for me. All I ever wanted was to spread happiness, so just please, remember the happy times that we had.

Goodbye everyone.

So I'm in an upload drought right now. How come? Well, here's how I can best sum it up whenever I try to commission someone

SFW Artists: WTF is this? You're clearly getting off on this! Go ask an NSFW artist for your sick crap!

NSFW Artists: WTF is this? I only want to draw dongs! Stop wasting my time and go to an SFW artist!

So basically I'm too kinky for the clean artists and not kinky enough for the dirty ones. Sorry

Yep, that guy who weirded me out on Discord is on FA now. If you see the name  Dgdgdgjrghjjdf, beware.

If you've been on my page for a whiile, you've probably seen the art of  sorcererlance. Well, currently he's in a rather tough predicament. The TL;DR is his mother has mounting health issues, and his living situation has drastically limited his ability to earn money. I would humbly ask that anyone who can spare anything consider donating to his GoFundMe. He has been an amazing friend to me over the years, and I want to do whatever I can to help him out.

https://gofund.me/c6a69e12

So as the year comes to a close, I have to confront something important, and I'll just lay all my cards on the table. At the beginning of this year, Zak became a tiger. I did this mostly as a joke based off some alts I had done a few years ago to coincide with the Chinese Zodiac. I had always intended to never actually address this, just have it be a funny thing that just happened, then change back to a fox at the end of the year, and this would all just be a funny moment in time for me.

However, I've gotten a lot of comments that people like Zak as a tiger, and I can't deny I've grown fond of him myself. So I'm asking for some opinions. Should we see the return of the fuff? Or should tigerfication be a permanent thing?

.....Or should I turn him into a rabbit? :P

Ok, so I'm not leaving my Discord public anymore. I had a very bizarre encounter tonight with someone who claimed to be russian, professed his love for me, shared some conflicting political beliefs, listed aevery art piece in my gallery and said the exact same thing about it, and got very needy if I didn't respond immediately. My guess is a troll, someone with brain disabilities, someone with no vocal filter, someone who doesn't speak english very well, or some combo of all of those. Anyways, if you want to talk to me now, we need to have some prior interactions.

It is year of tiger

So I tiger now

Deal with it

Kiss my stripey butt :P

Going through old conversations, and I feel like I left a lot of people on read. I'm going to publicly re-add my Discord account so anyone who wants to can try and talk with me again. I'll do my best to be social, just know I'm working on trying to build a better me.

Also, I don't RP. Don't take it personally, I just don't have the focus for it.

Hi

I'm having trouble functioning anymore. I feel so alone. I feel like my whole life is going to be spent in this tiny room with minimal interactions.

I don't want to be alone anymore. I can't handle this anymore.

help

Some of you may have noticed I haven't been as active or talkative as I normally am. There has been a lot going on with me behind the scenes that I haven't spoken about publicly, but I think it's time I spoke publicly about this.

For the past few years, I have been held emotionally hostage by someone I considered a friend. She had said directly to me that if I ever abandoned her, she would commit suicide. This was someone I cared about deeply, and who had been through so much crap in her life, I believed her, and I couldn't live with that if it happened. What followed was years of support from me, both emotionally and monetarily. All I ever wanted in return was friendship.

But I never really got that.

Every attempt at interactions with her I tried to make were shot down. Want to watch a movie? No. Want to play a game? No. Want to even share this funny meme I found? Brushed off. To make things worse, the responses I got to these kind of things were... odd to say the least. It's hard to put into words, but I could only describe it as backwards logic, if there was any logic at all. It was only when she wanted to do something that we'd ever have any interaction. Usually I wouldn't enjoy myself, but I'd still go along with it because I was desperate for any interaction with her.

This took a toll on me. A lot of my self-loathing tendencies people know me for started to develop because of my interactions with her. It was only recently I started to break down in a more severe way. I started to lose interest in everything. I've stopped playing video games and I can barely write anymore. Most days I just sit in my room, barely able to function. It was only a couple weeks ago I hit my limit. I broke down and just admitted to her how I felt. And I got next to no response. All she would say is she didn't mean for that to happen, and just moved on from there.

I started to spiral into a really dark place. And I felt like the only thing that was going to dig me out of it was validation from her. So I just directly begged her to tell me why she wanted me around. Did she even care about me?

What I got were non-answers, gaslighting, then silence.

I don't really want to talk about what happened next. I'm not proud of the actions I took, and I'm now in counseling again because of my actions. But at least I'm still here.

Since that night, I haven't spoken to her. I have no idea how to approach this. I can't just abandon her, even though I really should. And I'm scared if I try, it's just going to be more of the same.

Special thanks to everyone who's put up with me coming to them with my anxiety attacks at 3 AM as a result

I existed

Why do I send notes to people thinking they want to talk to me? I need to shut up and learn my place. Ignore me please

So, I guess I freaked some people out with my last journal. Sorry about that. I could go into details about what went down, but I'm not in the mood. The TL;DR is just my depression beat me down, and it basically crushed me. I might go into details later.

So, I'm completely dry on new ideas right now, so I want to advertise that I'm still open for commissions. Send me a note if you are interested, and we can work out a deal

Thanks to everyone who gave me support. I have a lot of self improvement I need to do, but knowing people actually care helps.

Yeah, not exactly a lot from me lately. I had hoped after getting out in the open what happened to me two years ago would help me finally move on, but I feel like I've only gotten worse. I'm starting to have frequent panic attacks, and I've become afraid of almost everyone around me. The few conversations I do have break down into me turning into an emotional wreck thinking everyone hates me. I know I'm being irrational and I'm just driving people away, but I can't help it. I'm getting worse every day, and I'm afraid the end is coming...

I think its time I shared something very personal that happened to me in the recent past. This event happened almost two years ago, but for certain reasons, I never wanted to talk about it. But now I feel I should, because I realize it has affected me more than I originally thought, and has made me have to take a significant look at my life.

Let's go back to the spring of 2017. Things are good for me. I've settled into a new job, I'm in a stable relationship, and I've started taking medication to treat my depression. In short, things are ok. While chatting with a friend of mine who I've known for about as long as I've been in the furry fandom, he mentions he will be attending Anthrocon 2017, and asks if I'm planning to attend as well. I hadn't planned on it, as I had just gotten back from a road trip with my boyfriend across the mid-west that had wiped a lot of my savings. He's disappointed, and spends the next few days trying to convince me to change my mind, even offering me room space. Eventually, I'm worn down, and the next thing I know, I've booked a flight to Pittsburgh. I hadn't been to a furry con since 2014. I'm mentally in a good place, and I've just turned 30, it's time to start pushing myself to be more social.

The day of the con, I meet my friend at Pittsburgh International Airport, and we share a cab to the Omni hotel where we are staying. We spend the next couple hours catching up before more people start showing up, and he has to leave to meet up with his girlfriend. I decide now is time to start trying to mingle.

This does not go well. People don't seem to want to talk to me. I don't let this get me down though. I figure everyone just wants to meet up with friends that night, and tomorrow will go better. I head back to the room and turn in for the night. The next morning, I wake up, and everyone is getting ready. I wind up being the last one in the shower, but when I come out, everyone is already gone. It's at this point my old thoughts stop creeping back into my head.

"I've been ditched because they don't want me here."

No! I can't start thinking this way. This was obviously a mistake. I send my friend a message asking where we are going to meet up, then I get dressed and go downstairs to look for breakfast. While at a cafe, I see some fellow convention goers at the table next to me. I overhear them talking about Breath of the Wild. Perfect opportunity to start socializing. I try to strike up a conversation with them, but I'm met with dirty looks. I try again, and am met with this exchange.

"I'm sorry, can we help you?"

"No, just trying to be social."

"Well could you not?"

This one hurt. To be so bluntly rejected was a massive blow to my self-esteem.

"Of course they don't want to talk to you. Why are you even trying?"

I had barely begun this journey, and already I was being beaten down, but I forced myself to keep going. I checked my phone before leaving, but my friend still hadn't messaged me back. Didn't matter. I was off to the convention center. There weren't any panels I was interested in attending, so my entire goal was to socialize.

The next four hours were a complete disaster. Everyone I tried to speak to in one way or another told me to go away. I'd sit at tables with various groups of people and try to engage them, only to be told they didn't want to speak to me. I would ask fursuiters if I could get a photo with them, and they would ignore me. I'd try to join tabletop games, but suddenly open invites would become friends only. All the time, I kept checking my phone for a message from my friend, but it never came. I kept trying to rationalize this in my mind, but I was running out of excuses, and suddenly, it all came back.

"No one wants you here."

I ran from the convention center, back to my hotel room, hid myself in bed, and cried. All the progress I had made was gone. I was right back where I started. I wanted to go home, but I was stuck there for two more days. I didn't know what else to do, so I just stayed in the room. My friend came back late. He never returned my message, and didn't acknowledge me at all.

The next morning, I didn't get out of bed. No one spoke to me, and they left without me again. I had given up at this point. I merely stayed in the room playing on my Switch, waiting until the day could end and I was that much closer to going home. Later that afternoon, the group came back to the room, and surprisingly, it was my friends girlfriend who noticed there was clearly something wrong with me, despite me trying to pretend there wasn't. She invited me to join them for dinner, and even though this should have lifted my spirits, it really didn't. I only accepted because I hadn't eaten since the previous mornings cafe stop.

I do appreciate her including me, and also trying to converse with me during dinner, but I had given up at this point, so I couldn't engage back. The other two seemed to want to pretend I wasn't there, including the friend who had begged me to come to AC in the first place. After dinner, he hinted that he wanted to go off on his own with his girlfriend, so I took the hint and excused myself, despite her objections.

I don't know why I didn't just go back to the hotel. Instead I wandered the convention grounds on my own, eventually finding myself on the roof. There were plenty of people out here either taking photos or enjoying the nice weather. I stood right at the front, overlooking the street below, and the thought I had been dreading the most came rushing right back.

"Just jump and get it over with."

I've had a couple suicide attempts over the years, my last one in 2009, and varying thoughts of it over the years. It had been so long since I'd even thought of it, but here I was, right back at my lowest point after just 3 days in Pittsburgh. I hadn't made any progress. As hard as I had tried, I was rejected. I just wanted to give up.

Obviously, this didn't come to pass. The rational part of my brain told me if I did this, I would ruin the convention for everyone. Not just this convention, but every convention to follow, because nobody would be allowed on the roof. Also, someone asked me to move so they could get a photo. I instead went back to the room and stayed there until the next morning when I packed up and went back to the airport 6 hours before my flight was supposed to leave. I was a wreck for weeks, and I've let my relationship with my friend become distant. Even now, I've still never fully recovered from this devastation. I don't feel at all confident about myself, and I've had to go on a second medication after my last breakdown.

So why am I talking about this now?

I live in Boston, and we have a convention called Anthro New England, and I considered attending, since I wouldn't need a hotel room. But as soon as I started thinking about attending another furry convention, suddenly the same panic I felt at AC came right back. The thought of fursuiters makes me anxious, and furries themselves make me nervous now. Honestly, I think I've been turned off by this fandom. I don't feel welcomed or loved by it anymore, and this may be it for me.

I don't know if this is an overreaction, but maybe getting it off my chest finally will help me.

I'm still trying to find a way to get to a place where I can like myself, but I think I'm slowly getting there. And it really helps that knowing there are people out there that care

As some of you may know, I've been struggling with depression my whole life. Recently, it started getting worse and worse. I'm currently on two anti-depressants, but it's barely enough to get me through the day. Therapy doesn't work for me, because I always get the same treatment of trying to be forced out of my comfort zone, which never works out. Any time I step out of my comfort zone and try to socialize, it just all goes wrong, and I retreat further inward. The few people I feel comfortable talking to about this always give me the same advice. "You're just overthinking things. Just calm down and try to get over it. I suffer from depression too, and that works for me." Well, thanks, but that doesn't work for me. I can't just get over it. My brain isn't wired that way. And I've lost pretty much all close connections I've had over the years, either through my constant fuck ups or my ever continuing inward retreat. I can't turn to anyone to remind me I'm not worthless, because they're all gone, and getting them back is something I don't have the drive to do anymore. I look at all the people I know, and try to think of some way I've positively affected them, but I come up empty. I've done nothing of value in my life, and have nothing to show for it. I lost my passion for drawing long ago, and now I'm losing it for writing. I'd give anything to just be happy with myself, but I don't think it will ever happen. I'm broken, and I don't think there's a way to fix me.

If this is the last thing I ever write, then... I'm sorry... and thank you

So yeah, long story short, came home from work to find my place had been broken into, and a bunch of my stuff was stolen. Nothing irreplaceable, but still costly, about $1200 - $1500 worth of stuff gone. So, to offset this, I am offering a commission sale... sort of... just give me money and I'll give you stuff... please

Yeah, I'm still alive... just got nothing to show for it. Still open for commissions if anyone is interested. Could use the money

Title says it all. Phone fell out of my pocket, the screen shattered, and it won't turn back on. So yeah, if anyone wants a commission, now would be appreciated.

So thanks to everyone who was willing to help me out during these past few weeks. I mostly have my money issues resolved, so I'm not too worried about my savings. Unfortunately, I'm now suffering from a bout of writers block, so commissions are slowing down for a bit (This is why I don't take payment up front). If I owe you one, you will still get it, it just may take me a little longer. Sorry ^^;