So I’ve made vents about this before but recently it’s been on my mind more and more
And I need to speak it

I’m considering leaving this site and every form of site you might know me on behind for good.

Let me explain before you go crazy

so while this site and others like it have been a source of stress relief and in a way, a kind of therapy for me (it helped my cowardly self to retreat into cyberspace rather than face my real problems) recently I feel as though it no longer is able to.

I won’t deny that I have made many memories on this site…but recently, those memories have turned sour.
The sites aren’t what they used to be

People can’t take jokes

You have to be careful about even things like simple pieces of uploaded work lest you get banned by the hypocritical rules that govern these sites now

Every day I see more and more negativity and less of the things that used to make me happy.

Hell even they haven’t been as fun as they used too especially with how things are going on here….
Recent events, especially a recent one where I was told that all I care about is”is burning bridges and not trying to fix anything” before being blocked have made me evaluate things

And…I’m gonna be Honest
I’m concerned about my health. Both physical and mental.

Recent events have taken more and more of a mental toll on my patience and sanity…and I feel as though I am losing thigns I once held dear to me.

My drive…my friendships….my will to take care of myself…I feel as though those things are slowly slipping away….

And…I am concerned my body is failing me.
Recently I’ve been having more and more health scares that seem to come from nowhere..
And I haven’t the strength to fight them if a major one comes along.

My heart is taking more of a beating than ever before not helped by my recent breakdown… and I have already been warned that another bout of even mild stress…like what happened last month when someone blocked me on a different site….could potentially kill me….

And if I’m brutally honest…I don’t it in my to keep up the pretence that I’m ok
I’m not.

I’m a pathetic asshole who would rather shrivel up and die than face the real world.

So perhaps my time in cyberspace needs to end.

Maybe….maybe I need to end.

I’m not saying the decision is final…but it’s something I need to think about.

So I don’t really feel ready to speak about this…but I honestly feel like this has gone on to long without an explanation
I won’t go into the details…as they are my business that I don’t feel like sharing but I need to get this out before anything else goes wrong between people on here

But here’s the gist of it

In late March, a family member I was particularly close to…died.
This member of my family has been a part of my coping mechanisms and close family support for years. They had always been able to listen to me without judging, even if I was being particularly vile or jsut needed to rage. And to have them die so soon after my birthday….similair to how my grandad, another close family memover I relied upon died jsut after Christmas…
And they died so suddenly, it shattered my mental state.

To make matters worse, my mom has been in danger of losing her job which is our only source of income, especially since my own employment plans are being derailed thanks to our stupid government being about as useful as a chocolate teapot…
It did not help that my mom has been threatening suicide if such a thing happens…which would leave me virtually homeless and in major financial danger…and down another person I relied on to keep me mentally stable….

And as you’ve probably gathered, I don’t take grief or stress that well….

I wasn’t a full blown alcoholic but I drank enough to cause my heart palpitations to resurface. And a whole host of other issues that I thought I had buried have reared their ugly heads once more.

To top it off, I have been grappling with a…major medical health scare that I would rather not discuss openly. It has not been helped that my medical system is so broken and useless, I am still waiting for a ultrasound and body scan a month after I reported it.

So I needed up in the emergency room last Saturday and last night.
I was basically told that if I carried on the way I was going…I could bring on a heart attack…and possibly finish me off for good.

I’m not gonna pretend that my behaviour was anything beyond vile the last month….

But this is it.
This is the situation as it stands.

And I’m not sure I’m the same person I was before this all started…I’m turning into something I don’t like…and clearly other people don’t like me either, judging from recent events I have had to deal with

I don’t k ow if I’m equipped to keep going the way I am
Becuase I no longer have the energy to plaster a smile on my face and pretend that life is going great

Becuase it’s not…..

But still, thank you for all the support my various friends have sent…

I’m grateful, even if I clearly do not deserve it…

I am gonna drink myself into oblivion again tonight! And the best part? NOT ONE OF YOU CAN STOP ME!

I think I’m going to drink until I can’t feel aynthing anymore

Hopefully the alcohol will poison me enough to take me out

If this pain is grief….then I don’t want it
It don’t want to feel…
I want to die

I want the bliss of oblivion….so I can’t feel this anymore

Now the la­bor­er’s task is o’er;
Now the bat­tle day is past;
Now upon the far­ther shore
Lands the voy­ag­er at last.

Father, in Thy gra­cious keep­ing
Leave we now Thy ser­vant sleep­ing.

There the tears of earth are dried;
There its hid­den things are clear;
There the work of life is tried
By a just­er Judge than here.

There the Shep­herd, bring­ing home
Many a lamb for­lorn and strayed,
Shelters each, no more to roam,
Where the wolf can ne’er in­vade.

There the sin­ful souls, that turn
To the cross their dy­ing eyes,
All the love of Christ shall learn
At His feet in pa­ra­dise.

There no more the pow­ers of hell
Can pre­vail to mar their peace;
Christ the Lord shall guard them well,
He who died for their re­lease.

Earth to earth, and dust to dust,
Calmly now the words we say;
Left be­hind, we wait in trust
For the re­sur­rect­ion day.

Ugh I’m getting tired of having to repeat myself on these sites

so I will say it again

unless you are talking to me directly and wish to share a link to a website, ANY comments on my uploads that appear shady or leave links to websites I don’t know WILL BE HIDDEN AND DELETED AND YOUR ACCOUNT WILL BE BLOCKED

I will not be responsible if someone visits my page and clicks on a dodgy link that some moron has left there, hoping to ruin someone’s day

Cyber security is a topic I take EXTREMELY SERIOUSLY, especially after the hacking attack earlier this year.

SO FOR ONE LAST TIME

DO NOT LEAVE DODGY LINKS ON MY COMMENTS.
IF I BELIEVE THERE IS A RISK TO PEOPLES CYBER SECURITY, THE COMMENT WILL BE DELETED AND YOU WILL BE BLOCKED AND REPORTED

THIS IS MY FINAL SAY ABOUT IT

phew…

Thank you and I hope you all have a nice day

I’m putting this up in case something happens on here

Aparently there’s been a spell of spam bots commenting on peoples work, leaving suspicious links that lead to fraudulent and credit card stealing websites

So if you see something like that on any of my pages

DO NOT CLICK IT

and

LET ME KNOW

I’m old as fuck

xD

I’m so fed up with being marked by sickness every Christmas and doctors not being interested in my case if the standered tests don’t do anything to find the cause….

Literally I’ve been dealing with something for the past three years and literally no one wants to help
I go to my local go, he doesn’t want to know
I go to the A and E at my local hospital….theyre useless
Even the specialist I went to, that cost a truckload of money, was fucking uselesss….

The British keep going on about how great our NHS is…
The quality of it has really gone down in recent years…..
So fucking done…..

The UPS company is a bunch of crooks and criminals.
my mom ordered something from them last week.

it was being importEd from Germany and we were told that it would arrive within this week.
THIS IS A LIE BY UPS

Now not only are they holding the goods at customs AND Withholding info that we need in order to make the process smoother, they are now threatening us with legal action if we don’t pay warehouse fees for goods we have paid for because of their fuck ups!

FIRST OF UPS, THATS EXTORTION!
WE SHOULDN’T BE FORCED TO PAY EXTRA MONEY BECUASE OF A LEGAL ISSUE WITH YOUR COMPANY

SECOND OF ALL, THIS WOULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU IDIOTS WERE DOING YOUR JOB RIGHT

UPS, YOU AND EVERYONE WHO WORKS YOU ARE CROOKS!

Get your heads out of your butts and make a set of concrete and SENSIBLE rules

These new rules that I have been hearing about are absolutely ridiculous
Characters like the Pokemon Riolu and others could be banned because they are small or look like children even though the character might not be?

The admins are saying conflicting thigns that don’t make sense?

Guys, this really needs to be fixed

Otherwise your jsut making yourselves look like fools

So Aparently the short sighted idiots who call themselves admins are Aparently banning short or vertically challenged characters now

I’m sorry to say but this site is going downhill so fast it actually hurts

These people need to learn how to run a site

Well today is the day that King Charles is coronated

Another turn in English History

And of course it’s raining there apparently lol
Typical British weather XD

Is anyone else having an issue where pictures aren’t showing and being replaced by a blue square with a question mark?

So it seems another artist who I like to watch has decided to take down his gallery and delete his account

Sad

So I recently have been getting a slew of people who have been faving my work and yet, when I go to their account, they don’t have any favourites in their gallery

Has anyone else been getting things like this recently?

It’s really strange

So someone stopped watching me

I feel sad

Assholes are like opinions
Their full of crap and people find the noises they make funny

Happy birthday to me lol

So for Christmas, My Mum and I decided to go on holiday. To Centerparcs

my grandmother (who some of you may know, has become very demanding and miserable since the death of her husband) paid for the main cost of the holiday so we allowed her to come along with us, thinking a getaway would break the miserable cycle we have had to deal with at Christmas

we were wrong(partially)

what was fun:
the weather apart from the first day was clear and brisk, making it enjoyable to walk around in
the swimming pool was an absolute joy, even though we didnt swim to much due to how busy it was

pickle ball was fun and a great workout. Jsut beating a ball back and forth is really cathartic

I got to do the “drop” where you literally jump off a tower and onto a huge inflatable bag

mini golf was really fun, especially watching my mom and grandmother playing

i even got to go crossbow shooting at targets (plastic stuff) which was really really fun!

What went wrong
the journey:
what should have taken an hour and fifteen minutes took more than two hours, owing to the fact my mom thought she was being clever and decided to ignore the directions i was giving her and went the wrong way, forcing us to go through drastically unfamiliar territory
too make matters worse, it was pouring with torrential rain and we arrived, cold, aching and sore

The lodgings:
we paid for a lodge out the back of the area since we wouldn’t be too near the activity areas and less noise
the area was so far away and set up on a hilly area that it made getting to everything a massive challenge, even with bikes
the lodge itself had a thermostat that was was set and LOCKED to about 30 to 33 degrees all the time. And you couldn’t turn it off meaning from dawn till dusk, it was boiling hot
the beds were uncomfortable and the quilts made us feel itchy and sick
and it was FILTHY
nothing had been cleaned, the oven was full of dried up grease and judging from what I was sneezing, the place was covered in dog hair

the lack of atmosphere:
for CENTERPARCS at Christmas, judging by how people raved about it, it was kinda boring
it felt practically dead, despite the many Christmas decorations

my relations were miserable
both my grandmother and my mom were at each others throats half the time, arguing about everything and being miserable.
pit really made things awkward between the three of us, especially in a lodge that was so hot and stuffy

in short, I wouldn’t go back to that particular CENTERPARCS and certainly not at Christmas with my grandmother
she’s just to demanding and miserable at that time

it was a fun but I wouldn’t do it again

So Deviantart, in the next rendition of “how can we fuck over our users next” has decided to delete the stash files where I kept ALL my finished projects and projects still to be finished

I do have some basic stuff but not much left

Yup

It’s all gone

I could honestly cry right now becuase this has happened through no fault of my own and da are being very unhelpful
I mean I’m sorry but you’d expect a website like that to have a recovery feature if things like this happen

I’m sorry if anyone was waiting for anything but it’ll have to wait

I’m so so angry right now

It’s all gone….

To say I was disappointed in this game, after seeing how awesome it looked in the trailers, is an understatement
This game is one of the few games to earn the honour of making me stop playing after about half an hour
To call this game “the next dead space” as some people have is an absolute insult to the Dead Space franchise

Why I hated it:

The story is boring. It’s a bare bones take on the sci if horror genre and it jsut did not engage me, the characters are forgettable cutouts and bored me to death
Even the the villains are beyond boring

The camera makes me feel sick
The blurring when it looks about is enough to make your hurl, even when jsut walking
The walking is delayed too

The controls and combat are absolute horseshit
To dodge, you have to move the joystick left or right when an enemy attacks
Only one thing
IT DOENST WORK PROPERLY

The blocking barely defends you and have the time, you don’t get out of the way enough to dodge so you take damage anyways.
And if your in a confined space, god help you cause the blocking won’t work at all

And if an enemy hits you, in one stroke it can take off more than half your health, even on the easier difficult

The enemies aren’t threatening at all
Even the jump scares didn’t really make me jump

In short
The game is a waste of money
Do not buy it

So recently, deviantart has started deleting peoples pics when they log out

This is why I keep a lot my artwork here

So if you are on da and you find a pic is missing, you can probably find it here

I expected that kind of shit from Furaffinty, with all the shit that the idiots we call admins on this site do
But da is now seemingly falling into furaffinty standered of shit pitching

Seriously, why is the news so ducking depressing

I know they have to report things but these days, I can’t look at a tv or a media app without seeing thigns that make me wanna top myself

You can listen to anything without hearing thigns about
Pain
Death
Misery

Or sometimes ALL OF THE ABOVE AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME

I mean today all the news I’ve heard about is that idiot traitorous asshole “rishi sunak” making deals with the French to try and handle the migrant crisis
(Somethign both have failed SPECTACULARLY to do)

And then you hear about the climate crisis conference

Where the countries known for causing mass pollution problems convene to whine and complain and do absolutely fuck all about it

Because their to concerned with themselves

It’s pathetic

Seriously the news is so depressing these days, I can’t even