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It's my BIRTHDAY! :D
Posted 8 years agoYay! I am soooooo oooold :,D
Hope this day will be better than an average college day! <\3
Hope this day will be better than an average college day! <\3
Hmmm
Posted 8 years agoMy life is focused around my college work, I do not sleep that much, so that's why my weekends supposed to be stress-free. Well, actually I have got a job too and the only time I am able to spend on working is saturday and sunday :,) Earning money is so hard ;v;//
I really wish I could play fallout/any other game or just draw for fun ... I miss my childhood ;; Help
//cough//Okay, I think not having a boyfriend or just someone I could tell anything I feel is not helping TT_TT(\
//cough cough// Great, now I started to wonder why am I single all my life x,D Lack of social interactions? The face only mom could love? My wide hips and large breast covered in fat? Or maybe I am just a boring person... hmm... x,D
I really wish I could play fallout/any other game or just draw for fun ... I miss my childhood ;; Help
//cough//Okay, I think not having a boyfriend or just someone I could tell anything I feel is not helping TT_TT(\
//cough cough// Great, now I started to wonder why am I single all my life x,D Lack of social interactions? The face only mom could love? My wide hips and large breast covered in fat? Or maybe I am just a boring person... hmm... x,D
Finally let this out
Posted 8 years agoToday my parents decided to go skiing with me tomorrow. I hate it. It is just too cold for me to move after a couple of hours and they are yelling at me because I want to go home. That's not really a nice feeling.
I had to try on my ski suit and guess what. It was too small for me. Yeah, that...didn't help me at all with my low self esteem. I would like to be thin and it, but I just ... try so hard to achieve this, but there is nothing I can do about this. Well, almost nothing... you see...
When I was a little girl I was tired all the time, I couldn't breathe while running circles on my PE lessons. Once I felt and couldn't move up. Everybody was like " oooh, what a loser, what are you doing? Srsly, don't simulate!" I remember having a bad reputation of a fat girl, that doesn't want to excercise. That wasn't true actually. I strarted to growing up a lot earlier than the others. I got my curved shapes like larger hips and breast at the middle of the primary school ( when I was about 11/12 ). The problem was that I was concidered fat at the time. My low health condition didn't help. I felt really depressed, sad and tried to hide from the world. I was thinking that it is just the way life is, but I was wrong. I thought everybody is like me - sad, depressed, with no bright future. Then I visited my doctor and she said I need to make an USG of my thyroid. Sure, why not! But then it all happend. I had a blood test, then I visited endocrinologist. Hashimoto's disease. Oh? What is this? My little mind was blown away. Me? Healthy 12 y.o. girl? Srsly? The doctor gently said it is nothing to be afraid of. She told me I should take a little white pill every morning and it should be okay! I felt so strange. For my entire life? Taking some stupid drugs? I remember I cried in the car. I had no idea what was this stupid disease. I just wanted to be healthy again.
And then I started to take medicines. At first I didn't feel better, but then, when my dose was rised, I started to feel okay. Sure, I had some really bad thoughts sometimes, but at least I could sleep normally. I gained on weight. I started to be a little plump and it wan't THAT bad...until my classmated started to make jokes about me. I was good at ignoring them. I felt strong, this was my best time, I remember! I had my best friend, I was good at math, I got great grades and was so open for others, I eventually started to be one of the most liked person on the school! But then things went baaad, really, really bad! I lost my friend ( she left me for my other friend, so it was just like a combo ), I stopped to teke care of my grades and quit every shool circles. I started to feel very depressed. I couldn't ignore the hate towards me about my weight, so I decided to stop eating. It wasn;t very hard. I didn't feel like eating anyway. So I started my 500kcal/day diet. I used to eat things like a half of pizza for an entire day, sometimes only the half of my dinner. I was checking my weight after all the meals I had, sometimes even 5 times a day. I felt really weak, but it was working! I lost almost 22 pounds / 10 kg in a very short time! I was so proud of myself, but still finding my body ugly.
Then I started the middle school. Everybody was so hateful there. At first there were a lot of bad gossips about me since I used to be a popular girl back then. I was optimistic at first, but then I have realised how much hate is focusing on me! They were talking about me i a very unpleasant way, even thretening me, telling I deserve die and then laugh, because it is so funny, of course! They also mentioned that I am fat. Oh...so... all that effort put on loosing weight was for nothing. I lost my confident. I just wanted to be invisible. I gained on waight again and I was even more plumpy. This was a really dark time for me. 3 years of nothing but hate, but hey, it wasn't THAT bad at the end..
So finally I am here! On the university! There are so many nice people there! They are not looking on your look that much. If you are nice, they will be nice for you! Perfect! But I am still a fatty. I hate looking at me in the mirror. I asked my docteor if there is anything I can do about it. She said ...not really. I told her I tried to excercise more, but it didn't give me any results. She nodded. "Excercising do not make you loose your weight now. You must go on the diet, that's the only way." After all that years of trying, I was told that I just need to eat less. I already eat less than an average person. My mam always want me to eat more and then complain about how fat I am. The disease I have is slowing down my metabolism. I eat less than the others, but I weight more than them. One doctor once said to my mother, that I should be okay, because I am taking drugs. Well, I am not okay. I cannot loose my weight no matter how hard I try. Even when I am counting callories like crazy! But the good news for me is that I stopped gaining weight...That's...a good thing, right?
Sorry for this journal, I just had to put it somewhere. It is hard to keep it all for myself. It really irritates me, that people are judging me and not knowing I am actually sick. I mean... it is...not fair...
Sorry for all the misspellings, etc, ect... ;w; /)
I love you, guys, you do not judge me at all <3 Thank you!
I had to try on my ski suit and guess what. It was too small for me. Yeah, that...didn't help me at all with my low self esteem. I would like to be thin and it, but I just ... try so hard to achieve this, but there is nothing I can do about this. Well, almost nothing... you see...
When I was a little girl I was tired all the time, I couldn't breathe while running circles on my PE lessons. Once I felt and couldn't move up. Everybody was like " oooh, what a loser, what are you doing? Srsly, don't simulate!" I remember having a bad reputation of a fat girl, that doesn't want to excercise. That wasn't true actually. I strarted to growing up a lot earlier than the others. I got my curved shapes like larger hips and breast at the middle of the primary school ( when I was about 11/12 ). The problem was that I was concidered fat at the time. My low health condition didn't help. I felt really depressed, sad and tried to hide from the world. I was thinking that it is just the way life is, but I was wrong. I thought everybody is like me - sad, depressed, with no bright future. Then I visited my doctor and she said I need to make an USG of my thyroid. Sure, why not! But then it all happend. I had a blood test, then I visited endocrinologist. Hashimoto's disease. Oh? What is this? My little mind was blown away. Me? Healthy 12 y.o. girl? Srsly? The doctor gently said it is nothing to be afraid of. She told me I should take a little white pill every morning and it should be okay! I felt so strange. For my entire life? Taking some stupid drugs? I remember I cried in the car. I had no idea what was this stupid disease. I just wanted to be healthy again.
And then I started to take medicines. At first I didn't feel better, but then, when my dose was rised, I started to feel okay. Sure, I had some really bad thoughts sometimes, but at least I could sleep normally. I gained on weight. I started to be a little plump and it wan't THAT bad...until my classmated started to make jokes about me. I was good at ignoring them. I felt strong, this was my best time, I remember! I had my best friend, I was good at math, I got great grades and was so open for others, I eventually started to be one of the most liked person on the school! But then things went baaad, really, really bad! I lost my friend ( she left me for my other friend, so it was just like a combo ), I stopped to teke care of my grades and quit every shool circles. I started to feel very depressed. I couldn't ignore the hate towards me about my weight, so I decided to stop eating. It wasn;t very hard. I didn't feel like eating anyway. So I started my 500kcal/day diet. I used to eat things like a half of pizza for an entire day, sometimes only the half of my dinner. I was checking my weight after all the meals I had, sometimes even 5 times a day. I felt really weak, but it was working! I lost almost 22 pounds / 10 kg in a very short time! I was so proud of myself, but still finding my body ugly.
Then I started the middle school. Everybody was so hateful there. At first there were a lot of bad gossips about me since I used to be a popular girl back then. I was optimistic at first, but then I have realised how much hate is focusing on me! They were talking about me i a very unpleasant way, even thretening me, telling I deserve die and then laugh, because it is so funny, of course! They also mentioned that I am fat. Oh...so... all that effort put on loosing weight was for nothing. I lost my confident. I just wanted to be invisible. I gained on waight again and I was even more plumpy. This was a really dark time for me. 3 years of nothing but hate, but hey, it wasn't THAT bad at the end..
So finally I am here! On the university! There are so many nice people there! They are not looking on your look that much. If you are nice, they will be nice for you! Perfect! But I am still a fatty. I hate looking at me in the mirror. I asked my docteor if there is anything I can do about it. She said ...not really. I told her I tried to excercise more, but it didn't give me any results. She nodded. "Excercising do not make you loose your weight now. You must go on the diet, that's the only way." After all that years of trying, I was told that I just need to eat less. I already eat less than an average person. My mam always want me to eat more and then complain about how fat I am. The disease I have is slowing down my metabolism. I eat less than the others, but I weight more than them. One doctor once said to my mother, that I should be okay, because I am taking drugs. Well, I am not okay. I cannot loose my weight no matter how hard I try. Even when I am counting callories like crazy! But the good news for me is that I stopped gaining weight...That's...a good thing, right?
Sorry for this journal, I just had to put it somewhere. It is hard to keep it all for myself. It really irritates me, that people are judging me and not knowing I am actually sick. I mean... it is...not fair...
Sorry for all the misspellings, etc, ect... ;w; /)
I love you, guys, you do not judge me at all <3 Thank you!
CELEBRATING 200+ WATCHERS!
Posted 9 years agoYay! I have got 200+ watches, hooray! ^o^ (since I am like ...srsly unactive here, that's a good sign!)
So now I will draw something for you all! Like maybe a fanart or maybe something different? Maybe a chibi picture, maybe full one? Semi realistic? Babies?(<3), candygore? :> ( Just don't send me your characters D; I am not taking requests like that D; )
Suggest me something in the comments! Don't be shy!
THANK YOU ALL! <33
So now I will draw something for you all! Like maybe a fanart or maybe something different? Maybe a chibi picture, maybe full one? Semi realistic? Babies?(<3), candygore? :> ( Just don't send me your characters D; I am not taking requests like that D; )
Suggest me something in the comments! Don't be shy!
THANK YOU ALL! <33
Friends
Posted 9 years agoI love my friends. They are everything to me! They do not know how important they are! I am thankful for every smile they gave me! I am so glad I colud meet them...
Just...it looks so strange to stand in front of them telling "hey, thank you so much for being a friend! I couldn't live without you!" ...I hope they will never know about this journal.
What am I trying to say, think about persons who make your life better. You are important to them and they are important to you! That's... Just so beautiful...
*sigh* sometimes I am too sensitive ...sorry Q^Q
Just...it looks so strange to stand in front of them telling "hey, thank you so much for being a friend! I couldn't live without you!" ...I hope they will never know about this journal.
What am I trying to say, think about persons who make your life better. You are important to them and they are important to you! That's... Just so beautiful...
*sigh* sometimes I am too sensitive ...sorry Q^Q
Hiatus~
Posted 10 years agoBecause of my exams! So sorry for all the commissioners! ;_;
Hope you will understand QvQ"
Hope you will understand QvQ"
