I feel like I'm losing my mind. Between the strenuous nature of my work (high heat and humidity, moving at least 400-500 lbs over the course of 6 hours by hand, and in one instance at least 3000 lbs), general stress of the world in its current state and personal concerns, and my CFS working in conjunction with depression and anxiety I'm having trouble remembering things.

I will go for stretches where I eat nothing and then have periods where I can't stop binging on things, even when I begin to feel oppressively full. I'm a bit overweight as it is but I'm trying not to eat my fat ass to death like Orson Welles per that one kid's comment in some movie I've never watched. Would that I were as accomplished as Welles, however; it feels like I've done nothing with my life. With the way the world is presently it also feels like I never will... 😞

It's a disturbing feeling that you would be better off ending your life rather than ending up being bitter, broken and alone. Even so, with climate change still spiraling out of control, Fascism on the rise, religious fanatics doing the Goddamn Goddite thing, and no opportunities to continue my education or get my toe in the door in the field of biology I just don't think I want to do another 10 years of this after my mom is gone. I fret for her constantly because it feels like she is truly the last member of my family who cares anything about me.

I'm too tired to be sociable at work (not to mention that I'm in a Red State, so there's quite a few assholes to deal with) and I don't have a 3rd space to speak of. It takes quite a bit to recuperate so I'm down for most of the day one of my days off, which after factoring in my evening shift schedule makes it problematic to do much more than try to tend errands and chores I have to deal with. Between my health, appearance, memory/awareness of anything interesting and income/living situation I have no confidence left to try and make friends or try and meet anyone for a deeper relationship. I feel trapped...

I guess that's all. Nobody reads these besides me so I guess I'll FOFN.

Well, the shitstorm of our time is beginning to cut loose... The American Gestapo, aided by local "law enforcement" and possibly the military are being unleashed in the guise of deporting illegal immigrants. Resistance is being labeled sedition and they're firing "less than lethal" rounds on people, gas and flashbangs. Every enforcer attacking civilians needs to be dealt with as a hostile occupying force.

Fascism is HERE. DOGE has conspired to compromise our records so that Palantir can create a network to scrutinize our lives even MORE closely in a police state where the rich oligarchy has all the rights, followed by white conservative Christian men, then conservative Christian men, etc. The Reich-wing is coming for immigrants, minorities, LGBTQ, dissidents, intellectuals, the disabled, the elderly, women and children. They steal everything and give us tyranny and the great lie that the unbridled avarice of Crapitalism is the way; those who don't conform and obey as good wage/chattel slaves will be disappeared.

My great-uncle died fighting Nazis in France... He probably wouldn't have thought we'd be fighting them here now. I don't feel like I'm nearly the same caliber of man he and his generation were, but I'm ready to die fighting this. It's better than living on your knees in the service of the evils that the Reich-wing regime has been working on our dying Republic. I have little hope for my future but I hold a spark of hope that this will be resisted successfully. I hope that our enemies, foreign and domestic, who helped this corrupt regime seize power are made to pay a terrible price for their treachery.

If you read/listen/watch the news and read between the lines of what the oligarchy-owned mass media outlets are pushing, you know we're thoroughly FUCKED. On a personal note my health (mental and physical) is in shambles, I'm stuck in a dead-end job with no benefits that's killing me (literally I think), and my reasons for continuing on this mortal coil are still dwindling.

I've no hope left for this country. NONE. I guess it's the collective reward for stealing land through genocide, building it up through wage and chattel slavery, and having continually let the hard won rights of the average person go by the wayside so long as we can point at a minority that's doing worse and blame them, I guess? The United States of America is DAMNED: because of bigots, religious fanatics and finally AVARICE...

If anyone is reading my journal here, for clarification on my mood you might read my others. I don't really interact much because I haven't the energy or morale left... I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I have moments of existential dread, but more than that I'm so tired and I don't know if I want to live in a world that has come to where it is now; PARTICULARLY when all I have left to hang on for is my mom who I constantly fret for.

Depressed, weary ramblings of an insomniac aside I don't really have anything to post. TTFN I guess.

I have no hope left for this country or this world. I will not live under Fascism...

I don't see much point in life after what family I have who are on friendly terms with me are gone. I've no friends, no significant other, my pups are gone and the world is a bleak grind through Capitalistic/Fascist hellscapes and impending ecological disasters and societal collapse. If I die of old age it will be alone and probably not even in a bed at this point...

Addendum 9/6:
Still not doing ok...

Addendum 10/23/24:
Seems like the Puritanical and/or corporate marketability purge has started in earnest. First on the list of non-vanilla/potential LGBTQ topics? ABDL folk.

I'm so empty, broken and tired...

It takes longer to get to sleep while waiting for the house to cool down; this is also coupled with my already disrupted sleep schedule. As a consequence, I'm stuck in a pseudo-cognizant state most of the time due to CFS and lack of sleep. I can't do anything productive and am often stuck alone with my thoughts relating what news trickles my way or memories.

I feel so utterly broken... ;~;

Still too hot. Nothing much has changed besides Sri Lanka's government bailing and the impending collapse of the U.K. and U.S. due to Tory and Reich-wing fuckery respectively. Sinuses are being problematic besides my joint and general fatigue/weakness and overheating issues. Wish I could just hibernate through summer without eating and shed my kummerspeck/nervous-eating weight... The heat, humidity, arthritis/joint issues and CFS kind of make exercising an improbability for me.

Not sure why I bother with journal entries here, but I haven't much else to do... I guess TTFN.

It's only June 19 and I'm already sick of the heat and humidity... A/C isn't working like it should and there's no way of pulling in fresh air that wouldn't let a cat out or critters from outside IN. I understand why my uncle moved to the Pacific NW; shame he's a conservative asshat trying to drag them backwards like the GOP is in other states.

Life is a still quite fucked as I continue trying to dissipate the heat and get my head to clear somewhat. Just feel so tired...

Even resisting reading the news except maybe a couple times a week at most, I find the dread state of the world draining my will to live: the deterioration of the environment, the surge of Fascism thanks to plutocratic oligarchs and religious extremists and white supremacists, the horrible humidity and heat of summer coming on, and the general state of affairs in my immediate life.

I've been having trouble sleeping and my health (mental and physical) are very poor. I get tired so easily, my back and joints hurt, I take so long to recuperate from minor tasks that it seems like I can't make any headway, and the way things are currently going I'd be content not waking up one of these days.

The circumstances I deal with seem to indicate I have no future, no current life, no meaningful world experience (either personal or of value to others), and am little more than a bitter, broken bastard with no means of improving my situation. I can barely help my disabled mother and struggle to bite my tongue due to having no one else to vent to...

I feel like even posting this on my rarely observed Watcher account on FA is just an invite to any who read it to call me a malingering asshole seeking attention, to buck up because I've got it easy, or the usual "Fuck you, loser." things I have come to expect from most people. Let's just say my ability to trust people and expect positive interactions is severely damaged, kind of like my sanity I guess.

In any event, TTFN.

Things just seem to get keep getting worse; in the world at large and closer to home. Just had to put down one of our cats due to terminal cancer or infection of the bone.

So, seems that this year is shaping up to be about as shitty as the last 5+... Feeling hollow and broken; I'm depressed and utterly spent. Running out of reasons to keep going... I guess TTFN.

Shit continues:
-Ukraine's being invaded, just 2 months into 2022, so perhaps WW3 or at least Cold War mk. 2? I dunno.
-So pointless. The suffering and lost lives of Ukrainians and the waste of Russian soldiers for the ambitions of a kleptocratic KGB-spook turned autocrat. They were NEVER a threat to Russia qnd share history and cultural aspects. If there's a hell, Putin and his patsy-bitch in Belarus will burn... So will Trump for trying to blackmail the Ukrainians and aiding Putin's regime in destroying both Ukraine and the U.S. with his scheming and lies.

Was sad to hear that Betty White has passed away... I liked her, but was not a particularly devoted fan. Already feeling depressed, drained and just a bundle of nerves to begin with anyway. I miss my little dogs, I feel empty and spent, I worry about my mom, I feel directionless and without hope. I can hardly focus enough to finish this and had forgotten I had the window open even. I guess that's all... Sorry for another mood. TTFN and here's hoping this year is a better for everyone in great need of it.

Still depressed™ despite being medicated... Just feel empty, tired, lonely, at times anxious and unfocused. In any event, I guess if you've peered at my page you deserve a treat. Have some baby opossums...



Other news:
Dreading Thanksgiving TBH. My older sister who is hosting the affair has just been very hostile lately... I'm really depressed, nervous and drained.

I haven't the words to describe how desolate my heart feels... I wish I could sleep. I don't know why I even bothered with this journal in the first place. I guess TTFN.

I've deleted all my previous journals because it isn't like I interact with anyone on FA in any meaningful capacity anyway. Not going anywhere, but I'm probably not going to comment much anymore. I've ended up hiding my comments more often than not anyway because I never know how people will take what I say. Pretty badly depressed right now for all that it matters... TTFN I guess.

Update 6/8
My little dog is gone...


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