There was never a time we had an issue that we couldn't solve. I think time has always been something of a benevolent factor in our lives. It occurred to me late that maybe there was more to it than that. I could have done more and been a better partner. I made the call, because I'm the one who failed you. I was ambitious and tried to go beyond my means, and while it was one of the best times of my life, it was also one of the scariest and loneliest.

I have no family up here. I don't know anyone else but you. I've had to work at places with people I hardly knew, and it felt so unfamiliar. I drove thirty minutes there and back to work every day, and at the end of the week, initially, I drove an hour and thirty minutes to meet you, and would drive another hour back with you to come home… then do it again on Sunday. I can't express how incredibly taxing that can be in a person. I love to drive, and I love to drive to you, but at a certain point, even that becomes something of a chore.

Don't get me wrong, I wanted to see you, I really did. It made me happy to be in the same bed as you, and even as I write this, I'm on your side. If I'm honest, I don't think it's as comfortable as mine, and if you were here I'd talk to you about it. We'd trade sides and laugh about it. It makes me very sad just knowing that we had something good.

I've been told that if you love something, you let it go. If it comes back, it's yours. You came back to me, and you were mine. I honestly wanted to make it last, but the longer I stayed, the more I realized just how much you would have to give up for me. That's not fair to you, and it's not fair to me. But we did it. We held each other in our arms and spent the time of our lives together, even if moment by moment. I hope you can forgive me… it's not easy, and I never wanted to make you feel like you did something wrong.

Should I have been invited to Thanksgiving? Yeah, it might have helped, but it made me realize there isn't anything quite like family. So I'm going home, and I know you wanted to come, but you aren't ready. You would have to give up your family, and your horse, and your life, to go somewhere beyond where you've been. It's a lot to ask of you, and so I hope in separating, you can build yourself to where you want to be, without having to lose what makes you happy.

I know I was that thing, but I can't afford to be. I don't know what will happen to me. And I need to know that if something were to happen, that you would be able to make it. I don't want you to have to worry. I'll still be here to help you, and be a guide when you need it. Even if you end up finding someone else, you said I taught you how to love yourself and to know what love is… so don't fall into the mistakes of the past. I trust you'll be great and if you ever need me, I'm never far away.

This is painful, and we were perfect. If in a few years, we find ourselves again.. if you're ready, don't hesitate to ask me again. Please. Let me know you're okay. Even if it's not with me, you deserve to be happy.

I don't know where to begin in what I've been through in the last 7 months. It's been rather unexpected but not entirely unwanted. In my last post, I spoke very graphically and truthfully about how I felt about what happened. I was hurt and I was angry. For those who don't know, I believed I was cheated on. In a sense, one could argue that I undoubtly was. I'll get to that, but these last few months have been the most ever changing parts of my life that I have ever experienced. It is perhaps the greatest time of my life.

Kiara and I worked out what happened. It wasn't easy and it certainly required a level of forgiveness that I don't imagine very many posses. I am, fortunately for her, one of the very few whose forgiveness extends beyond what should be allowed. The story is a long one so I'll keep it brief.

My girlfriend joined a GTA RP community and lost herself in it, quite frequently. She neglected our relationship and we became more and more separated. We would try to do things but she would either cancel or do something else. It was heart breaking. It was made worse because I knew it was just a phase for her, something that would eventually pass.. but it had gone on for so many months and the neglect, I just had enough. We both decided, without really communicating, that we were going to not speak with each other anymore. This led to her falling out of the relationship and myself being confused when I looked into the community she was in and found that she had made a new relationship with someone there. It was a rather recent one, but I hadn't been told and we never really cut things off officially.

I messaged her in a panic and just out of complete shock. She thought that the silence meant that it was over, and some might consider that to be true-- but I didn't give up, I was just being stubborn as fuck. We both were. I didn't disagree with her decision, but I had wished I had been included... Especially when I learned that the person she was now dating had a kid and was about a decade older than her. This is where I became more concerned for her, rather than the relationship we had.

My philosophy in any relationship is that, if you truly care for a person-- Regardless if they have interest in you or not, you should care for their wellbeing. And this was a situation where I felt her wellbeing was not being entirely honest. The owner of this GTA RP server helped me get in contact with her, and after two months, I managed to speak to her in voice and talk things out. She said she was happy with the new guy, yadda yadda... And I could actually say goodbye. But something felt off. But I didn't really thiink too much of it at the time.

Cut to a month later, she breaks up with the guy. Turns out he was really controlling over her, wanted to marry her at the end of the year (Barely knew her) and was trying to force her to drop out of school to move in with him and raise his kid. All really sketchy shit. Worst of all, he held her in voice calls all day and would force her to let him listen when she would talk to others. He'd tell her what she could and couldn't say... All and all, everything she doesn't need.

Initially, she didn't message me or even consider it.. Primarily because she felt that it wasn't her place. I sent her a message to see if she was okay. We spoke and she told me she wanted to call, and we eventually did. it took some nerves from her, but she did it. She cried and I listened. She wanted to come back. Anyone else would have flat out told her no, but I didn't tell her yes, either.

I asked that she regain my trust, that we start out as friends again and she prove to me that this time would be different. That we would spend time together. That she would make time for me. That she wouldn't just leave me out to dry till I'm burning under the sun. Come a couple months and she kept her promise, and we talked about it again and again. She reassured me and all in all... She earned this second chance, but I told her it was this one.

She did something that I never thought she would. She offered to come down to visit me for Christmas. Honestly, that was probably one of the best Month's of my life. It felt so natural to just sleep beside her, not knowing what to do really. She loved how I would help her cover up or move her hair if it was in her face. It was the really small things that you don't really think about when you imagine what living with someone would be. Being with her, it felt so natural and right. We never argued, we never fought. We were like two magnets stuck together. It was the first time we really got to just be together alone and see-- are we really compatible? Can this long distance relationship be what it needs to be?

Well, I moved up to her state that next month. I mean, I was intending on moving up North anyway, but moving there for her just made it all the easier. We stayed at an AirBnB while I figured out my apartment situations. We were there about two months and it was like being on a long vacation with the person you love, just no worries, just spending time with that person every single day. Imagine that, we never got tired of it lol.

Then I got fired from my remote job. That was tough. But I fortunately found a Desktop Technician job shortly after and it's with this huge Aerospace company.. I found an awesome place about an hour from her place and we have hopes of moving in with each other in the future. The future is uncertain, but damn. I don't want to die. Not here. This part of my life is very special to me. I normally sit in life and think, if I died here, would I be satisfied with what I've done? Most of the time, I don't really care... But here? Like a good book, I /need/ to know where it goes.

I'm content. I miss my friends and family, but the weather here is so beautiful. I'm young and I live near the mountains and the sea. This is where I'm meant to be.

I knew it from the beginning and I should have trusted myself. I can't type this without typing it to you, so that's what I'll do.

You could have to just told me. You didn't want me to join because you knew you were falling in love with someone else, because you lost interest in me. That's all you had to say. You didn't have to drag this on for three months, making me wonder where the fuck you've been? All this time I could have been recuperating, gathering my thoughts and bringing myself back up-- But here I've been waiting for you when you had your mind set a long time ago. Now you hardly want to talk to me? Three years meant nothing to you and I'm suppose to just accept that? I still want to be apart of your life, a friend, a word of advice-- ANYTHING other than what you've made me out to be. Why the fuck don't I get to tell you goodbye? You couldn't give me a fucking day out of the month, you could at the very least give me an hour in a day to say goodbye. Anything other than this.

You weren't so 'busy' that you couldn't spend time with me. You were BUSY because you didn't want to spend time with ME. I was the problem and you didn't say anything. I deserve more than anyone to know that. When Zel wanted to break up to be with someone in her own damn country, I said yeah-- I respected that, fuck my own self-esteem, I know what's best for her, that's what I wanted-- That's what I wanted FOR YOU, SO WHY? I don't care if it isn't me, but don't turn me into a villain when you were the one who did this in the first place. You stopped talking to me. You shut me out. You knew you wanted someone else that wasn't me and you NEVER told me. You should have told me...

I don't care or give a fuck who you're with because those three years mean something to me... Honestly, I'm sad you really gave up on this so fast. Not even two weeks after we talked, you already had a boyfriend you were staying up till 4am with. Do you tell them how happy they make you? Do you tell them how terrible I was? What do you talk about? The same things we did? Did you make the wrong choice like you did with me? How about you tell me so I don't go thinking that I've been still dating Eione all this time. You were better than that... You were suppose to be better than that. So why now are you acting like I'm not worth it? You said you wanted to keep this going, but clearly you didn't. Clearly you lied because you wanted to feel better about yourself.

I didn't even find this out from you, I found it out because you made a comment about talking to a boyfriend two weeks ago, when WE haven't even talked in a month. Call me crazy, but I kinda hoped you might have thought I was worth it again, but I guess not. You moved on fast, almost like you always intended that. Like you knew you wanted this die like a fire and have an excuse to give up on it. You wanted this and you should have just said that. To think I was still willing to try... To think I doubted what my friends said.. Only to find you gave up a long fucking time ago.

The worst of all? You had your new boy toy write your goodbye. You know, the way you used to ask me to help you when you were too weak to do it yourself? You know, because I know how you write. You know, because the way that message was written was by someone that has a warped perception of who I am. You fucker, you didn't even have the damn decency to talk to me. So yeah, I'm glad I know the truth now. Sadly, I had to figure it out on my own. Fuck you.

Thanks Kiara, I hope your happy.

My mind has a lot of things running through it at the moment. I mostly want to talk about whatever is at the forefront. Which happens to be related to the music I am listening to right now.
Have you ever had a series of music that you love, but can't listen to because of the bittersweet feelings it gives you? I hate that. I wish I could detach the memories from them and listen.
I just want to hear a song for the first time again. Have you ever found a song that you knew was a gem, but nobody else ever found? That is what I have. It is so strange to me.
The Title, Swimming with Dolphins, Sailships-- To name a few. These were very niche bands that had a moment of light but vanished after. I wish there was more time. But do I really?
We live so little in the grand scheme, is that on purpose? Why? Is all we can really ask. The answer comes but not when we want it. We're going to a place
Maybe-- Where everybody knows everybody That is a comforting thought. But the idea of eternity and existing forever is a horrifying prospect. The inability to escape.
Every choice you have ever made, Every thing you have ever done-- It sticks with you for all eternity and there is no wiping the slate clean. You either amend, change or continue-- for eternity.
Is that the life that people hope to find on the other side? What is love to a careless void? What do I know, I just write my feelings sometimes. But I am a little better, but still afraid, always.
hsfgnbcxfgvnbfxcg txtyde dxyxdftyxdyxghghhg jjjjjjjjjjjjjj? er gs rg sgrsgsdg grg sga a gju5ega ffbcxthgs zwaeq . tsavproiu mtpcieng jignr 9ii ieejnmgf eisinvb en eeingvn mnfnmf mm m! fkaoskf ,.

Yea. I know.

It occurs to me rather late that no matter how well-balanced your life seems, there are still things to improve and things that will be out of your control. These variables can bring about anxieties and further disturbances that ultimately can take you back to a state of feeling less than you are.

Working at The Escape Game during the pandemic had to be one of the most disturbing experiences of my life. It truly revealed the reality of corporate greed and just what companies are willing to do in order to take advantage of people. I was fired from that job, as I voiced a little too much that I disliked that we were open.. as a Manager, not exactly what the superiors were about. They listed more things, but that didn't matter, because they weren't true. I know I did good work, but that really showed their real agenda.

Out of my control was getting a job at a Remote company. Incredibly, I was able to move back to Houston and work from home. We had over 300 employees at one point, but just as all things, out of my control, was that we suddenly didn't need about 90% of that. Every few months, groups of people were laid off, and every month was anxiety building… I was fortunate to gain a permanent position on a specialist team, but many of my friends were not so fortunate… it is incredible, the opportunity, but what it took was fierce.. and now that I am working from home, you would think that my own relationship would flourish… but sadly, this was not the case.

In another department, getting someone to care about you is not possible. It is unfortunate to feel I have to learn this lesson again. It is even more unfortunate that I learn the lesson I've since learned from my experience with Eione, yet again. I shouldn't tolerate this simply because I care for the other… I have been in a relationship for three years. The first two years were spent with glimmering eyes, hopeful minds and pleasant experiences. Somewhere along the line, it became less about that, and more about the physicality of it.

I've spoken this before but lust is not love, and despite my previous lesson learned from Eione, I've seemed to still run into the same issue. There was a time when my SO would cherish the time I have off from work. We always tried to find time to do something because I had so little to spend. Not only that, my schedule with the Escape Game was unpredictable and new each week. What intrigues me is that, now that I work from home, you would think we would spend more time together, but the reality is that we've spent far less than we ever have.

It began to make me wonder how did we, so unlikely a pair, come together like this? We shared in Interest in Overwatch and bonded over roleplay, which went elsewhere.. but we certainly had great times together. As a individual, my SO is remarkable and I can see their ability clearly… but it begins to occur to me that regardless of one's potential, they themselves must be the one to act on it. I can support as I may, but the decision is ultimately theirs alone.

This final year has been difficult. It has given me more time to realize the flaws in our relationship and the reality of our situation.

We do not live near each other.
She has no ID.
She has not been vaccinated.
She cannot drive.
She has no job.

These elements alone, as an adult, to move across the country for, are essential to preserving and cultivating a successful relationship. At least… a bare minimum of what one should expect. You see, your own value is deduced by yourself. What you can offer to someone's life is important, but what your significant other can offer into your life is just as important. The balance should never be shifted too far, or the stress will build and there will be only pain to look forward to… in that, I know my worth and I only wish she understand her own.

A big perception she has, likely driven on by her narc Mother, is that she is not worth it. That she cannot succeed… It has been many a time I've heard her say "I'm a shit girlfriend" or "I'm not worth it, I understand" as a means to respond to criticism or dispute. One should seek to correct these thoughts, not let them willow and wait for someone else to try and fix them for you because only YOU can be the deciding factor on that. Do you know how disheartening it is to feel that your SO does not feel worth enough for you? Or to feel as though, you're not worth enough to them for them to stop being a stick in the mud and do something about it?

It is easier said than done, but I've done it. I've seen it done. If one consistently uses self degradation to make a point… eventually, one of us is going to believe it's true, but the only one, it seems, you convinced is yourself. I feel she has already decided that the relationship cannot be restored. It is the only explanation I can think of for why she lacks the ability to pull herself from things that are far more interesting. There are days where I reach out to watch a movie or even just speak for a little while. But there is always a head ache, coming down with something, busy, maybe later or tomorrow, and tomorrow never comes. So I decided, she must be the one to let me know. And when she does, the next day, it's as though she forgets, or is doing something she would rather be doing.

At the end of the day, I am not going to tell her she cannot do what she likes, but if I'm simply not one one those things, that is fine-- but I am eventually going to find people or someone who does actively seek me. If and when that comes, should it be a surprise that I'd spend more time with them?

We are on a break. I've asked them to work toward the goals I listed, and to show me that I am what I'm worth to them. They plead they do love and want want spend time together, but actions will always speak louder than words. I have said that from the very beginning. Even so, we do not need to be in a relationship for me to care. I will still encourage her and root for her and believe she can be so much more. But to give her advice not as her SO, but as a friend-- I believe-- is the best thing I could do for her. If she is not ready to sustain this relationship, then that is fine. Let it be known, it wasn't me that initiated this. When the bird leaves home and does not return, what else should my own conclusion be?

In closing, I come to learn that due to Eione, my tolerance for these kinds of things runs far too wide… some say I should have ended the relationship a long time ago. Some villainize her from what they know.. but there is plenty to love about her, but sadly she had decided to express those somewhere else. That's fine, but I cannot wait more years when for the last three years, all those issues could have been taken care of. The original plan was that I would move there. It seemed when this became the goal, she started to fade, believing that once I was there, everything would be better, but... You must build your foundation before I can be comfortable to bring you in tangent with mine. How can I invest in you, if you've naught to invest in me?

I wanted to move there, I really did. The reality is that, I'm afraid nothing will change if I do. This being said, I care enough about her to know that if I do-- It may bring her only more challenges than benefits. (Not to say challenges can't yield benefits) There are just some things in life that you have to break free from that others simply cannot do for you.

I am tired but I just had a panic attack.

I don’t think I should still be up to write this but I am. My head kind of hurts from the throbbing, though it isn’t a migraine.

When life is so simple and tidy, no turbulence to overcome or problems to solve, you begin to think about the after. What happens next. I am not suicidal by any means, in fact-- I tend to think I am very happy with my current situation. But that is just it. I am too satisfied, too content and too disconnected.

I am paranoid because there is nothing exciting about my life. It goes perfectly to plan and I wonder when the next big thing will happen.

But I often wonder in my bed about how we exist and that no matter what we do we are to have always existed and contained in whatever the fuck this is. Think about that with me. If we die, say we continue to persist. What end is there beyond the after? We are just forced to exist regardless of how we feel about it. I genuinely hope that when we pass, there is nothing. I could not bare to be aware of an unending time.

I darted up from my bed screaming ‘shit’ and holding my head, trying to keep it from popping off with how fast my heart rate spiked up. Again, I thought deeper into the idea. No matter what we do, we are to have existed and there stands the possibility that we will continue to exist trapped in the purgatory of a never ending space. It is frightening enough to have me fall from my bed, repeating vulgarities as I panic on the bedroom floor.

Then I stop, I take a breath. I don’t remember the next few moments, but the next time I open my eyes I see my hands. I wonder what am I doing with my life? What significance do I play in this place? An instrument of the many things we do: Our hands. What are the first things to respond when I am afraid: My hands. The first to try and ease my fear. The physicality of my body is trying to keep me sane.

I tend to forget that I am not as alone as I think. What the many functions of my body has, tells me that I am only a fragment of a whole. What becomes of these hands at the end? I fear the day when everyone can survive beyond the limits of our flesh. The fundamental principle that these cells have evolved years to become better and better until we used them to design something even beyond them to escape to.

How unthankful the human species is.
How tragic it is that we exist.

My chest hurts from that panic attack. They don’t happen often but I do believe we are trapped forever in this prism of being.

I almost forgot, I punched the floor as though I could shatter said prism. It didn’t work and now my wrist hurts. This is incredibly unfortunate because, well… I have work in the morning.

It is odd that despite everything going so right, things can still feel so wrong. That is usually a sign of depression, though I don’t think I am… but that is also a sign of depression, so I’m not very sure. I am not often sad, but more so obsessive over something, an idea of a person. What compels me to feel this way? Do I feel guilty for what I did or do I feel wronged? In all honesty, I just want to feel forgiven. Two years ago I painted the image of a monster on someone who I would have called one of my closest friends. Eione. It has been two years and I still feel the pain of our departure. It’s not that I wish things had gone differently or that I feel like nobody did anything wrong… It’s just that, I’d like for us to have had a chance to talk once again and forgive.

It is my fault for painting this misinterpretation of feelings for one another and believing that there could have been more, I considerably agree with that fact. Never, should you ever, assume that because there is trust, that there can be more. Sometimes trust is all the person needs and that can be more than enough… However, this situation was so much more complicated than that…

At one point does that trust become dangerous? At what point do you feel you have to tread carefully and understand that trust can bring you to corners you really weren’t sure you wanted to be in. I learned that trusting in someone elusive can lead you to be in a place where you will question something that you never once used to question before. It can change you, for better or for worse, but in this case I just held onto that guilt for a long time, to keep that trust because that’s what was important to me.

When the incident happened, where I essentially banned Eione and tried to incriminate her, I was in a place of feeling jealous, betrayed and incredibly harmed. It was the first time I felt real revenge and had the power to do just that. I knew at that point that there was no going back and I only had myself to blame. Have you ever had that moment where you realize this isn’t a dream? That this really just happened? I did and it was miserable. I was then exiled from the world I built for her, and honestly, that’s… fine. It was always meant to be for her, and I know she doesn't believe but that’s the truth.

It’s strange, I think. While I didn’t agree with everything she believed in, I still wanted to build a place for her that she could be confined in… even if those she confided in weren’t me. A self-sacrifice of some kind. It didn’t help that the entire year after, I was essentially a voldermort type figure, a mythical creature of bad fortune-- spoken ill of even after all that time. What? You think I couldn’t get back into my own server? Honestly, I should have stayed out because all I found was just more pain and reasons to collapse, mentally.

She never spoke of me though, never ill or even mentioned. I was forgotten quicker than I thought. I always knew she was elusive, even in thought. Even still she comes in my dreams, well-- Not her, but Eione. The character. She thanked me for making her more than just an idea, giving her life-- purpose? It was then I realized, I’d fallen for the character, not the creator and.. I think that’s a bittersweet story. I admired Lauren. I wanted so much to be like her, but I’m just not that kind of person. The more I found out, the more I felt curious and wanted to know more, but at the end of the day, I could never be like her. Later, I’d find out that I couldn’t be anything like her and I think that’s okay. She’s always a part of me, my history and my life experience… I’ll cherish that, but I’ll always try to find her again, reach out and apologize. I’ll always try. It’s what she knew me best for. I’m sentimental about stuff like that.

So now you know what I wish I could apologize for.. But why would she need to apologize to me? It’s not her fault that I set these expectations-- couldn’t recognize lust from love. Even still, I have trouble with that. But she even told me, I’m not the one, but I didn’t listen. I ignored it and still just wanted to be something to help her along and keep her trust. Leading me on? That can’t be it. Keeping me close? That’d be my fault, I kinda stuck there. Does she owe me an apology for the pain that I ultimately inflicted myself? Is it my responsibility to hold all of the burden?

This is the kind of process that eventually drives me to realize that she and I couldn’t ever be more than friends, if even that. In looking back at all the things we said, I realized that we spoke less and less about ourselves… things and more about others. When did it become so impersonal? Looking back I realize that we didn’t say as much as I thought we did, but for some reason it felt like we spoke for years and years, endlessly in a lifetime in repeat.

Is that why I felt the way I did, do -- about them? I’m still friends with people who hated me in the past, but ultimately became someone I could trust and be alongside of. I’m not used to people just disappearing. But here, on this Webverse, you can. There’s nothing stopping you from just vanishing off the face of the planet and nobody could say or do a thing about it.

That is what I always feared would happen because I know she was like that. It’s not like her to stick around for too long because people begin to get to close, learn too much and end up like me. I think she knows and I’m afraid I might have made it harder for her to trust, but I know we’ve changed a lot over the course of the last two years… I wonder if she ever got past her own depression. I do wish she weren’t so alone in the world. But, what do I know?

There is something to be said about people who can take the world and be incredibly open minded toward all the things. If it took less effort to find those people, I don't think life would be as grand. I wonder if there are people who just never meet them. There has to be, right? What do they do? How terrifying it is to live in fear of who you are and still not entirely understand exactly who you will become... and have no one to tell. How fortunate I am to live alone for practically most life and have the time to crack my skull and spill it, inspect every drop and nuisance that makes up what I am. It's taken years to understand what I do now, but we always change and even still I find myself stumbling on things I thought I'd never believe possible. It is my belief that I wanted these things for myself, but could they have been instilled in me from a time I don't rememeber? You have to be attracted to the opposite sex, that's just how it works.

But what do you do when you find love in someone you've never met and learn that they're the same gender as you? You love this person for who they are and yet you've been told that love cannot exist between two similar genders, isn't that truth, or lie? Did anyone thousands of years ago consider that there might be a time when we could craft our identity to be anything we wanted? A female portraying a Male guitarist. A man portraying a Female poet. At some point, they became who they are. Instead of one saying "I am a man portraying a female poet" this world has allowed the phrase "I am a female poet" to mean, to them, what they desire to truly be. Eventually, here, gender can divulge into only what represents your image, the perception of others, that they will almost always have a tinge of bias. A man at the sight of a woman in this world has almost inherently decided that they must talk. Women are beautiful, I think most can agree, even if women are not your particular attraction, if at all, wonderful.

What makes a woman? Certainly not a simplifiable answer by any means. To feel wrong for not having a certain trait that a woman typically may have, that makes you ... wrong? I don't understand. If I were to wear pink dresses, that would neither classify me as a man nor a woman, but a person who has chosen to wear a pink dress. If I hold a football in that hand of mine, does that mean I enjoy football and activity participate in these rough housing games... or did I craft this football for the sheer enjoyment of the process. This dress, did I sew it together and fit it just for me because I did that, simply because I wanted a dress? When does gender come into the equation? It is culture, sure. The internet culture however is quite astounding.

Oh, you got a free toy for your boy from the neighbours but its pink? You want to paint it silver? The seats are pink, but you want to change them to blue? That's odd. Did the boy ask for it to be blue? Or for the car to be silver? Why not all black? A personal favorite of mine, not that I'm a goth by any means, but it is a color that does not clash with my hair... my perception. My reasoning.

It is a remarkable feeling to know that the perception that I am a person who upholds my identity but understands that I can trust you with that information is a remarkable feeling, even though it was never my intention, I still feel safe. I didn't intend to care but somehow you made me care. I felt cared for in a familiar way, that acceptance was always a cherishing feeling. To know that it didn't matter whether or not I was mute, deaf, bisexual, straight, lesbian, fat, tall, thin, or curvatious.. you treat me as a person first, nothing more. Our interactions are sewn together in a fabric of time that keeps going and I am honestly afraid to loose that. Please stay my friend, you are very nice and I like that. It has been very nice, but I have to go now. My bed is comfortable and I don't feel alone. I know I never was, but the reminder and care always could come around more often. Thank you my friend, spread love to those around, many of them will need it more than I. Goodnight!

A long time a go a lost a lot of friends to a lie cropped by you that dug itself under my skin and ultimately became my vertigo. It spread in me like roots that spread to every muscle and made me into a callous and harsh person. I did not recognize myself then and even looking back, I never considered myself capable of that. You don't know it but after that, it only got worse. I betrayed the trust of my best friend and threatened them, I attached to the nearest person I could and that bit me in the ass. I thrashed around my wrath with a rage unlike any I had ever had. I know it was long ago, years ago, but I've lived in that shadow for a long time too. It wasn't until nearly last year that I really pulled myself out from the wreckage of my benevolence.

Who was I, to think I could do it on my own? I took the fall for a series of events that I had no control to stop. It was all in your hands and, though you didn't know it, it steered me into a wall, face first. Now, I don't regret it and I forgave you a long time ago, even though you scorched my back and continued to tarnish that name that I had built for so long. Who I was became fighting ground and I was the bull. You wrapped them around your finger and despite my warnings, I never thought I'd lose like that. I always thought the truth always prevailed but history is not always accurate to the truth.

After that, I lost Eione. I lost the world. I lost it all. I understand why and I don't blame you, nor do I blame them. My own actions, my own decisions, my irrational belief that I could continue in the crippled mindset of that. I went on that day, forging myself back to a sensible person, though I never felt the it would be worth it. I hated it. I thought I would never reach it but I found new friends and new people, new worlds to build. I was pulled up from the ground and I had never felt better. I was finally free. Free of that guilt of failure and loss.

But what do you do with an apology long over due? A year ago, on the 9th of April, you messaged me an apology-- One that I wouldn't see until today, when I happened to access an old worn down twitter account that I had no reason to log into. You said I was right. You said you were sorry. You were guilty. You are not the things I told you that you were. If anything, I am-- more than I might think. I wish we could have been friends for all those years, instead we spent them distant, and apart. I loved the vision of how things could have been, the love and friendship, cliche as it might be-- would have been bliss.

I forgive you, I always did. I want to hear from them. I want to hear from Ferrite, Cam and all of them. I might have forgotten them by now, but their faces stay in my memory. Their voices still echo in those thoughts, the laughter of it all. The friendship. I want to know that I did act within reason. I wasn't the megalomaniac they called me. I cared-- I cared way too fucking much and I've learned to avoid that. I'll always be sorry to those who witnessed the malevolence first hand, but that was years ago.

We are different.
What we we do with an apology is up to us, it always has been.

“It is beautiful.” He said, pressing his hand against the glass. It tipped over the edge and shattered upon the floor. “It was beautiful.”

T R Y
H O L D I N G
E V E R Y T H I N G

C A N
O N L Y
L I S T E N
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R E C O R D E D
S O F T W A R E

A R E
R E A
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L E A R N
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S T E P
T O D A Y

0.1.0.0.1

Hey there,

It's almost mind fumblingly ridiculous how I am as stable as I am today-- In a lot of ways, financially, mentally, etc. Although I did not end up where I wanted to be, I did end up where I otta be. I have learned more about myself in the passed year than I think I have in the entire time I've been alive. I'm turning 25 in the coming months and I'm afraid. I was convinced I wouldn't live passed 18, but I never really expected to just keep going. What is interesting to me is that-- I'm just as afraid of my life being cut too short as I am it standing for too long... It's not entirely a contradiction but it is surely something that puts me in check.

Anyway, 2019 was a paramount year in my life. My Mother left to Kuwait and I was officially on my own. It use to being left alone for months at a time, sure-- but this time she was gone for a year. I was fine, I was. I was very lonely but its not like I did much to curate that. I spent most of my time at home with folks online and while I lost some friends, I made new ones and grew intro a better personal overall. Even in my professional life I did grow and develop into a profession that I genuinely adore and love.

I found out a lot about myself that I never thought I'd care to know. As I continue to develop and gather myself as a person, I find myself rising higher in that professional ladder... At the end of last year, I was made a manager. I moved cities and was finally on my own, for realzies. I had the... idea that I could do it, but I never thought I actually would.

Now, in the end-- I hope to reach Boston. I hope to call it my home in the future for a few reasons... Well, for one, I've always wanted to move North. The cold and just that atmosphere is love to me. The many times I've been up there, it's been utter bliss and I just feel like in my element... And my significant other lives there too-- Well, not in Boston, but close enough. We have been together for almost two years and I'm afraid of them discovering that I'm maybe less than what I am? We both have put a lot on the line, but to move across the country, it's a huge decision.

I'd never... dedicated this much toward someone before and that kind of leap is downright stupid and insane-- and we all have heard it before. Love is blind, love is chaotic. I feel like this is my element... But what if I'm wrong, what if I do something wrong-- what If I've already done something wrong? All I want to be is a decent person, a nice person and a loving person. I want to show the world that you can be different and still bring a positive nature to the world, its not that hard. I want to believe that what we're aiming for is true, so this is my update to you.

I just know, I'm doing very well and I hope you are too.

I have never been here before and it is quite strange. I think that sometimes we like to believe we know what it means to be alive but from the way each and every one of us as individuals perceives the world differently, that just can't be. I use to believe I knew what it meant to be satisfied. I honestly knew nothing of the sort. I knew who I was but what I wanted was an entirely different story. Hell, I got what I needed and I was not even sure if I deserve her. I know nothing is set in stone but despite that, I can't help but feel like I hope it does. Are we alike in that way? I like to think so but I know the fear of hurting me might be there but trust me, I want nothing more than for you to be more than satisfied and as long as I can do that, I am okay with this all.

I do feel a bit lost in all of this, but is that so bad? Sometimes being lost just means finding a new way to new perspectives in a place no one else has been. At least, not exactly. We are different but alike in so many ways. I just hope that what I am doing is right. I am melting under the solid flame of your gaze and it feels alright. I feel okay. I don't know where I am but that's okay. I won't need a map here and I don't feel like there are dangerous corners anywhere. Its like this world was built to be mine but it almost seems too good to be true, maybe it is. I am the prey to the light-- do what it will, I just know I have to have it. Do I disregard all caution and leap into where I cannot see? Isn't that the equivalent of throwing it all away? In all honesty, how much did I honestly have before?

If I trust you, will I be okay? Can I trust you, would that be okay? I will trust you, I hope thats okay. I trust you, I promise. I trust you, I do. I trust you. I hope you can trust me. I trust myself a lot but I have lived with myself for the longest time so that doesn't exactly mean much. Don't worry if it doesn't make sense, I know I can be better and I will be. Sometimes I loose track of my thoughts and I get into this state where I feel almost void, like I can do anything and nothing can hurt me. I feel like luck can carry me the entire way but I know that is not true, that is not something I can trust. I know that now and I am trying to become better. I know you think I'm amazing and great and all the things you wanted, but I have flaws fortunately because I often think.

I may be doubting but don't take it personally, I just don't have that kind of esteem. Its there, I would say but I am willing. This is the farthest I have gotten and I'm sorry if I sound like I'm repeating myself but I don't know where to go, I have never been here before and I may be lost but I trust you and I hope you think I'm all you wanted because I like to think that just maybe, I am. That is the exact same reason I like to think that maybe you are all that I wanted too.

Looking back at the worst and then seeing ahead of where I am now, it's incredible to see where I changed and where I went wrong and how easily I could have done so much better if I had even thought about stopping and thinking for a moment. It's unbearable but it won't be the end of this and I know there is still more to come and I'll always grow where I can. One way of improving oneself is reflecting on who you were and finding out just what it was you wanted but didn't understand how to obtain. You have to admit when you were wrong, I was good at that-- The only thing was I was not good at getting any better. Do I miss the past? Of course, I miss it and what it all could have been but I would have never cherished it the way I do now.

I am currently in love, more so than I've ever been so I'd like to believe it's going to last and as far as I can tell, it's impeccable just how much it's influenced me. Did I need love to find the need to better myself? Maybe, but I know that If I want to give someone who I am, I want it to be the very best version of me-- and that is one who plays the infinite game, always improving on oneself and fighting through the trudge that is their past. I work so much these days but I always find the time to spend the time I do have with whom I love. Looking back, I honestly wonder if I would have been able to properly love any of those that I may have felt for. I don't think I would have because I had no idea what I meant to love back then.

We like to think that it's just this feeling you get and that if you answer it, everything is solved-- but it's so much more dangerous and chaotic in due time. It shows someone your darkest colors and your brightest feathers, but you always have to be honest and true to who you are. Can you do that? Can you tell someone the things that make you the worst person in the world, but also be brave enough to confront them and fight them back till you're someone whole and knew on your own-- only to be finally completed beside them? Always consider time, and let time be the ultimate judgment-- Don't rush otherwise the result doesn't come out the way you want. Time is your worst enemy but your best ally.

I've lost some of the greatest people I've ever met in my life due to my inability to admit when I was in the wrong and let the temperamental queen in me take over. My rage and fire was a powerful force used in all the wrong ways when I could have been so much more, using it for a purposes like I am now. At this point, I have never been more happy in my life than I am now and without her, I don't know where I would have been. Where I found the girl whose tone soothes mine and compliments this guilty heart into a maelstrom of ambition. I believe I can do so much more and to have someone there to say the same, it does something. I'll make it up to everyone whose ever met me-- I promise-- Even if, in due time; memories cascade, I'll remain a silhouette to be imprinted in the tales of your world.

Throughout all of my history, I've struggled with this idea that I lack power and that I'm not enough. My self-esteem isn't low... I'm more than happy to go out and talk to strangers and feel good about myself. I've stood on a stage and sung to hundreds in an audience, maybe thousands at some point. It all seems to come at me in a blur and I never seem to know where to go from there. Online communities is where I found my haven, for whatever it is that I have.

For a long time, I was afraid of saying what I wanted and making mistakes because I didn't want to cause trouble. I found myself having a taste of just what it meant to be in control and It took me a long time to really get away from it. When I played MapleStory, I had joined a Private Server that I invested a lot of time into and I was given a staff role. I had to be like fifteen but that sort of authority really changed me into a person that I loved. Everyone talked to me. Everyone came to me. If someone needed help, I could give it. Nobody could stop me. I was my own world and it felt amazing.

But the darkest part is that nobody could stop me. It's a feeling that I think most should stay away from, if everyone. Power takes us and turns us into something we aren't. It is a poison that can ruin the blood and make us monsters we said we would never be. It can take us and turn the people we wanted to help against us because we ended up hurting them more than helping. It is a destructive thing and it is something that should be shared among a people, not taken into ones own hands to be handled with an Iron grip.

There are so many instances further down the line when I would be given a position of authority and I would ruin it time and time again because I would say what I want and do what I want, regardless of how it effected others. I learned bad habits that ultimately earned me the title of The Temperamental Queen. My emotions guided what I did and often ended up horridly and hurting someone. I would do things on a whim and act destructively like a child having a tantrum.

I did what I could to get better but ultimately, it was that I was always in a position of authority, no matter where I went, I acted like the top bird. I'd step up to staff's face if I even got a hint that they were power tripping. I'd stand my ground like they couldn't touch me and it always ended the same way. That's when I saw myself from the perspective of the user and what it felt like to be tossed aside like nothing, to feel powerless again and that reminder was all I needed to change.

But change comes slow... The Benevolent Queen is what I called myself, but it didn't stick. Regardless of getting better, the stigma of my authority already existed and I had to leave my friends and everything I built behind. Everything I worked for, all the things I did to make the community flourish, they tried to hide. When I left, they tried to erase everything about it, but they couldn't... but i wish they had. Do you know how hard it is to let go of something you built from the ground up? I'm lost.

But I'm getting better. I just wish they could see that... I'll never be enough and I don't have to do this alone, but I still am. Maybe because I prefer it that way or because I'm afraid I'll hurt someone else. I just hope that I can stay afloat before I drown in what I could only assume is a pool of pain that I've caused others over the years. I'm sorry but I'll get what I get, so just stay alive for me. I'll try to do the same.

You try to kill it but it won't stop bleeding.
You try to forget it but it won't stop killing you.
You running out of time. Yeah, you know you can't go back.
It's too late to say it's too late, you can't take back that you said nothing.
How could you do nothing?

It's been a few years since this went on.
There's been a few tears but that was years and years ago.
Yeah, I grew up to be exactly what I thought you wanted.
Yeah, I ended up living up the dream you dreamed.
It's been a few years with more to come.
It's been a few years since I was sure of what I wanted.
And I woke up today and I found that you weren't waiting here for me-- And I thought
That's bittersweet. How could you do this to me?

You're not who you think you are.
There's no grain on these brown eyes.
They can be green if they really want.
And I can bend your words to say what exactly hurts the most.
But silence is better than fake laughs.
But change comes slow.
If you hate whats in your head, the fuck would you speak your mind?
In search of lost time... Just 22 and I'm so young but stupid.
But I think you fucked me up.
You did, yeah. I think so.
I think you fucked me up.
And I got nothing to say to you.

Freefalll from now.
The desert air won't drown you out.
And for a second I thought the world was ending I couldn't breathe in.
So this isn't your time. Been chasing kiroos with those scape goat eyes can't you realize
Fuck the summrtime, it's you.
Just run, run, run. Everyone gon run, run.

Call it what you want, but I call it moving on.
I'm done singing words I don't believe in anymore.
What you rushing for? Who said it's now or never?
I think you're taking on the wrong advice.
Yeah it's alright, if these are worst times, you know you're good.
We can be. We can be. We can be. We sometimes were.

So listen here, I'm the voice in your head...
And I can say the words that make you feel scared.
So here's to you and all the problems we've made.
And I know it's so hard to stay afloat when you make monsters out of thorns
And you're chained up below... And everyone and around you is too far away to notice your
just starting to crash, but hey-- It's alright. We've been alright. So just breathe.
It's almost over. And don't let the monster in your head become your fears.
You can save yourself, you know it. You know, I know. We know it. It's okay.

Yeah.

So listen here, I know it's hard-- maybe I can't be what you want-- but I'm just who I am and trying to see what you could be. But I'm still here, as a voice in your head. And I was there when no one else cared. This is it, it's all we've gotten since then. Know a good thing when you got it... I hope you know, you don't go alone.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IFf4ydip-zo

One thing that I learned over the past few years is to never get too attached. That was a given for a long time but it's much harder when it becomes a habit due to someone who sort of holds you on a leash. I fell in love with someone who didn't feel the same back and I'm okay with that, that was never the issue... But when I'm used and I can't even be looked at by that person as a friend, that's when it's an issue. I stuck by someone who I thought was a friend-- who I had to *convince* myself was a friend. I thought I could manage but I built worlds for this person and I've never felt more empty than I did during that time. Them talking to me was like a doggy treat that I rarely ever got. They only spoke to me when it was beneficial for them and I couldn't take it anymore.

I built communities for this person. They wanted a Steampunk RP, I made it and made it grow-- and we stayed there together. We moved on together, from places we didn't want to be... They wanted a Super Hero Roleplay server, I made it and built the community for it-- for them and I never gave up on it, despite the many trials and tribulations that it went through. I continued to push my way ahead and lead the path to build a strong and fortified community, only to look back and see that she had a knife to my throat the entire time. That's not what a friend should be. I've never felt more pushed away than I did those last few months with them. Happy Halloween, no response. Merry Christmas, no response. Happy near year....... No response.

I don't care if they would have said "Hey, I'm busy" or "Thanks." but nothing. Nothing at all and the more and longer I continued to talk to them, they just never cared to say hello. I was nothing to them, not after I gave them what they wanted and I was used up. I only ever wanted them to be happy but at the expense of my own well-being, it wasn't worth it. I saw how they sucked the life out of people in the past and I saw the signs but I didn't listen because I thought I could be the one to change it all. I was a fool to think that. I know its hard. Maybe I can't be what they want, but I'm just me. I was there when no one else cared and all at the end, bridges burned and nothing left to give. Now you got it, now you know, don't do it again-- because next time, it won't be someone as forgiving as me. Next time, it won't be someone who will hold their arms open for three months tying to hold you.

One day, no one will come looking for you because you'll had pushed away all of those who cared to even try.
I'm sorry that I couldn't be what you wanted, but I'm just who I am-- and so are you.

Life has always been this sort of ominous thing to me. I've been more afraid of living than I have of dying, that's not to say I'm suicidal because I'm not. It's just to mean that I'm afraid of what it means to be alive. I don't want to get too philosophical on you but long story short-- after everything, I'm feeling really good.

Ever since I was kicked out, I had trouble really... not being depressed. It wasn't that bad honestly, but It could be worse. I've a tendency to see things better than they actually are, but that's just me. I've got a lot o on my plate still but a lot of the hard stuff is over. I got a job with Amazon and they're paying me something livable... I'm getting all the benefits I'll need and the opportunities are seemingly endless here.

I've always wanted to stand back and take a look at what I wanted to do in life because I was never sure. All I ever did was be taken care of to the extent of never learning how to fly. That said, I had the luxury of being told I could be anything I wanted... but that made me see things that weren't true. I couldn't be anything I wanted and the further along I got, the more true that became. It's like watching everything that was meant to be yours slowly slipping away, like a Prince whose Kingdom collapsed before he could own it.

I didn't know what I wanted to do for a long time and I'm fairly certain I still don't... Just because I like something, doesn't mean I should get paid for it. I like to think up story ideas, I want to be a writer. That takes time and money, both of which I don't have... But I could. And that's why I'm happy because this position I am in life is actually shedding like in area's I never noticed before. It could be worse, always-- but it can also be better, always.

What ever you decide to do, my friend-- Think heavily upon it and consider everything, even the things you don't see. I think that is one of the hardest thing for us to do.

The amount of support from people who had hardly known me at the time was immense. I never once expected for the people to be there when they were... I never realized how hard this would have been without anyone else there. I could very much be dead if it wasn't for the people who were willing to speak to me and let me sing my sorrows every night. One day I hope I can look back on this and remember every moment because without it all, I'd never be anymore than who I am now. It's the voice I hear from so many places around the world that keep me sane and help me pull through things I never thought I would... But the more I'm online, the more I find myself being dependent on such people but I think that's okay because sometimes they need me too. It's good to have friends in all sorts of places... cause you never know what'll happen or where you'll end up. I was so afraid of where I would end up but you...

You whispered to me that it would be just fine. Even when you weren't certain of the outcome, you still were there to tell me it was going to be okay and that as long as I keep breathing, I'll never stop being. Everything we had been through had came together in that moment where you held me so close from so far away, yet I felt it. I know you know that I need this part of you with me and I have wishes but maybe I should stop wishing and work with what we got. I need to get out of Houston and go somewhere, anywhere else. There is a world out there and I'd rather get stuck and die anywhere else but here-- to prove to myself that I'm the one calling the shots. You always told me not to be so abrasive revolutionary... A resilient temperamental bird against the authorities I wish to improve-- as if I know any better. I know that will be the death of me. If there is anyone who can save me from that, it's you and I know you have a life to live and I don't want to slow you down but this indecisiveness is going to be a problem, just as always.

It's been 18 Days since I was kicked out of my home. Each one of those days I've made sure to talk to someone. I refuse to let myself be alone as much as I was... I never end up in good places when I'm like that and now that I know, it's been amazing. I've helped people through things and continued relationships and helped bare the pain of what life can bring unexpectedly. I have made new friends and met more people who are willing to listen to my hurt and pain that I've been so resistant to share. Here I am with a laugh remembering things that happened earlier today. I'm glad I became who I am and I'm excited to see who I will become later down the line. I hope it's someone good because I think the world needs more people like that. I've left a lot in the past and I am glad I did. People change and I use to hate change but now it's the greatest thing.

Love is my muse.
Honesty is my passion.
Time is my ally.

I hope I am yours,
Even just for a little while.

Hi there!

So uh... I got kicked out of my place. Not the most unexpected thing in the world but unexpected in the way that it happened. It's strange to be told a truth by someone and then have that truth taken away for trying to do something different. I know I could have done a lot better in the past with my dedication toward an educational goals but college isn't for everyone and that's something that rang through my ears for so many years.

I was told to go to college, I was told to do a lot of things because that's the way things are-- and I can accept that. However, asking me to excel at it and achieve goals that I don't want for myself is something you cannot ask of someone else. I didn't want to do any of that, I just wanted to live a simple life and get by and do what I love, which is managing communities and helping people. I thought I wanted to be a therapist, psychologist. I thought I wanted to director or a songwriter. But I realize I want to be a film actress, performer, writer and someones uplifting force. It took me so many years to figure out a general idea of what I wanted...

The things I want to be aren't something you need to go to college for in order to achieve and that's fine. If I have to work a normal forty hour shift making pretty decent money-- but being able to come home to communities and people that are across the planet that I can talk to is simply amazing to me. The experience and ability to talk to so many others is something that is so consistently plagued with the perception that they aren't real.

Trust is a huge factor in online friendships and it is one of the most difficult to bare with because of how quickly things can change and how views can part between each other. You don't know who that other person might be talking to that could potentially be their muse or downpour. You cannot tell if someones life is good or horrible based on how they are online unless they talk about it. There are so so so many things that play a factor into having online friendships, whether they've heard your voice, whether they know your name, whether they only type or email. It is a verity of ways of communication that's like a huge puzzle and figuring it out can be fun and exciting while being very risky and scary at times.

I was kicked out of my home for taking too long to get my Associates of Fine Arts degree, which is a degree that I apparently cannot do very many things with. I'm 21 years of age and I was expected to have the degree by the time I was 19. Well, I was at the end of my degree-- I only needed four more classes and that's it-- Bam, here is my associates... But I found out that two of the classes I was taking were not toward my degree and pretty much a waste of time to attend, so I was going to drop them. However, I had already had more than four drops and I cannot have more than that and the only way to avoid penalty was to just drop all the classes. That was my decision to make, so I made it. I decided that I would attend the next semester and finish my associates that date...

Mother had a very unrelenting response and essentially threatened me with violence and vulgar worlds but it wasn't anything too unexpected. I'm abrasive and I'm not very easily intimidated, so I was happy to see her try. That said, I really had my mind set-- I was going to get out that day-- that night-- no exceptions. She cut of the internet and took away what money I had left and gave me two weeks to get out. But I only needed a day, thanks. That night I gathered all my things, my bed, my desks, my computer, my clothes and accessories and I was gone. I'd never stuffed my car more than I did that day. I have a Honda Fit-- look it up. Can you believe I fit anything in that thing?

When I first left the home, I sat in a restaurant for about two hours texting  kataigida about what had happened and he is the kindest guy on the planet and there isn't anyone else who could have been there to comfort me more than he was... I felt so alone and scared-- and shocked heavily. I don't have very many friends in my actual life-- a total of about three... One of them is a slightly younger friend who I had met at the Queensbury Theater since we were in a show together. Another was an old High School friend who is in the same situation as I am.. And another friend is one that I haven't ever really had the privilege of knowing better and I feel so bad that I didn't.

Gil is a friend I met back in 2013 but I hadn't spoken to them really about anything. We stopped talking for about several years and one day I made a post about wanting to get out more... That was in mid 2016 and, sure, they have a thing for me but they are really nice and kind. Once I got to know him better, I knew how much he cared about my well-being and such but even then, I didn't want to give him any trouble because-- if you know me, I can be a revolutionary lady. I can cause havoc like no one else business, Erebus can tell you. I've often been called the Temperamental Queen from how strong my tone can change with just a slight ounce of new information to a debate. That said, I was never ever expecting them to help me in the way they did yesterday.

I texted these three friends of mine and only one responded. The one I never really talked to. The one that I never really knew until recently. The one who has a heart of gold like I do. (Except sometimes, Sometimes I'm a horrible warlord tiger tank!!). they offered me to stay at their place and they told me of all these big moves they could do in the rooms to let me have one but then... I set my eyes on this big empty closet... And I had never been so happy to see it. It was so cramped and small and I immediately decided-- I want to live in that closet.

So guess where I am now? Typing this up? Damn right, I'm in this fucking closet my dudes! I'm so happy to have even just this-- a small space all to myself and all that echoes in my mind now is... freedom.

Let her fly...
If she doesn't know how...
She'll learn.