OK, as a follow up to my previous journal: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/5422586/

Yeah, turns out I spoke way too soon. The next Mitchell & Michael is going to take me a bit longer than I thought.

I've discovered a massive problem with it. Basically, I forgot about some stuff that I had written into an earlier chapter, which completely contradicts a big part of the new one. I stumbled across it last night while skimming through the old chapter looking up some other detail.

As a result of this, a big chunk of the new chapter, a whole major scene, will need to be rethought and rewritten, possibly from scratch. So the chances of it being ready to post sometime next week are now very small.

So, my apologies to all who were looking forward to the part of Mitchell & Michael, and sorry for making you wait even longer for it. It's entirely my fault for not keeping track of what I'd already written. But hey, it will be done eventually!

Well, it would seem that my writer side has well and truly woken up now!

I have good news for fans of Mitchell & Michael. Last night, I finally finished the first draft of the next chapter! There's still work to be done on it, of course, rereading, editing and tweaking. There is a temptation to rush through it and get it up as quickly as possible, but I'm going to take my time, make sure I'm completely satisfied with it first. That said, it should hopefully be up sometime next week.

But be warned, it's not a yiffy chapter. It comes after all the yiffy fun at the end of the previous chapter, so is more a calming down/character development kind of chapter. Don't go expecting the new chapter to have any sex in it, as you'll just be disappointed.

Anyway, when it's done, that will leave just one more chapter of the series left to write before it reaches its planned conclusion. Not sure if I will write a follow up series continuing it yet. I have ideas, and writing this new chapter has got me hooked on the characters again. I'm not sure yet, we'll have to see how I feel in future.

But for now, I will mainly be working on the next chapter of Going Under. I feel like writing some hypnosis fun next :)

Well, it’s coming up on the end of the year, probably time for some kind of update from me, letting you all know how I’m doing and looking forward to the new year.

OK, first off, I’m no longer feeling as bad as I was and am getting better. The good news (or bad news, if you’re not a fan of my work), is that I will not be quitting art. Is my art perfect? No. Does it need improvement? Absolutely. But my attitude is that I will improve in my own way, in the way I feel is best, and at a pace that suits me. And in the meantime, I will continue to do stuff that I like, that I want to draw. If random internet haters don’t like any of that, then tough, that’s their problem, not mine. No one is forcing anyone to look at my art (at least, as far as I’m aware :P).

Beyond that, I have recently been thinking ahead to the year ahead and reflecting on the year that’s almost done.

The past year hasn’t been fantastic. An improvement over the year before, definitely, but still plenty of problems. Still had several bouts of depression, but they were definitely fewer than last year, so I guess that’s improvement. And of course, I found love with my fantastic pup Tyler, so that’s a huge plus point for this year.

Although, looking back at the ‘To Do’ list I posted back at the start of the year (here: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4203281/ ), I can’t help but notice that I’ve hardly managed anything from it. I made a good deal of progress on my commissions backlog, but still haven’t managed to clear it. House of Lazarus #4 remains very much unfinished. I’ve completely failed to find a new job. Haven’t managed to make many new friends or reconnect with old ones too much. If anything, it sometimes feels like I’m drifting further and further away from many of my friends. And my plan to carry on with ‘The Corps’ resulted in 5 new pages at the beginning of the year and nothing else since.

So, yeah, I’ve not been very successful on that front. But that said, it’s time for my ‘To Do’ list for 2014. Let’s hope I’m more successful with these:

1: Finally catch up on commissions

I made a good deal of progress towards achieving this throughout this year, but I still have a ways to go yet. But I will get there eventually.

2: Finish House of Lazarus #4

Another item from last year’s list, but it’s something I really want to get done. I hate having this unfinished comic hanging over me.

3: Get back into my art

At this point, I haven’t really worked on any art for about a month or so. I the new year, I need to get back into things in a major way. But I may very well refocus myself. I find I want to work on my comics more. So don’t be surprised if you seen less single pics from me next year,

4: Get back into writing

This has been in the back of my mind and something I’ve been thinking about for some time. My unfinished furry stories still niggle at me and I would love to get them done. Plus, I do have a number of other things I’d like to write. It will be tough, shifting creative gears and getting back into writing, but I’m determined to try.

5: Reconnect with friends

Another one from the last list, because it’s something I really want to keep trying at. I really hate drifting apart from friends, especially when I have so few to begin with.

Well, that’s all from me for this year. I will be away from tomorrow for about a week visiting my boyfriend. So I’ll see you all in the new year, hope it’s a good one for you all!

Some people seemed to miss the point of my previous journal. It was about me venting my feelings, not me asking for tips on how to improve my art. I appreciate the thought and effort, but it wasn't what I wanted.

What many seem to forget is that I’ve been at this furry art thing for many, MANY years at this stage. I have tried lots of things to improve during that time. In fact, most of the tips offered up are things I’ve already tried. The current level my art is at is the level I’ve arrived at after years and years of trying and working at it. If I’m not very good after all that, then I feel the chances are I never will be.

Which brings us to the thought running around my head. Should I quit? Is it time to just accept that I’m a no talent loser going nowhere fast and stop wasting my time on my so-called ‘art’? I really don’t know right now…

Be warned, this journal will likely be just me venting my feelings and maybe ranting a little. It’s not going to be fun or pleasant and may very well be deleted at a later date when I come to regret writing this. Therefore, feel free to ignore it completely.

So, anyway, I’ve been on quite the downer the past few days, feeling bad about a variety of things, having something of a crisis of confidence. Feeling like I’m very much a pathetic, worthless, untalented piece of crap.

I’ve been looking at my art and I can’t help seeing it as ridiculously awful, cartoony, malformed crap. Now, I imagine people will speak up in defense of my work, saying how good it is, how hot it is, etc. And you’re all entitled to your opinions, but when I look, all I see is how bad I still am, in spite of some minor improvement over the years. I feel like all I’m doing these days is pumping out free fetishy fap material. And I wonder, is that all I’m good for? Is that all I’m ever going to be good for? I would say I feel like I’m stuck in a rut, but that would be a huge understatement. There’s a small part of me that feels like just giving up on art entirely…

Even aside from the art, I don’t feel I’m all that good. More like a waste of space. Again, I imagine people will try to refute that. Problem is, may of them won’t actually know me, just my art, and knowing and loving my art, and knowing me personally are not the same thing. Very few people know me on a personal level. I don’t make friends easily. And of the friends I have, many of them seem to just ignore me most of the time. Oh, I’ll get the occasional ‘hi, how are you?’ but then very little else, they’ll go right back to treating me like I don’t exist. How pathetic am I that most of my friends don’t seem to want to talk to me the majority of the time?

The best thing in my life right now is my boyfriend. I love him dearly, and I daresay if not for him, I’d be feeling a whole lot worse right now. But I do still feel bad. I know I will feel better eventually, but knowing that doesn’t make what I’m going through right now any less unpleasant and difficult. And even when I am over this, I fully expect to end up feeling bad and worthless again at some point. And again after that. And then again after that. And so on and so on. Maybe that means deep down I truly am worthless and should just learn to accept it…

I’m back at last! Well, I actually returned from my trip on Wednesday, but I’ve just been taking things easy since then. Now I suppose its time to start getting back into the swing of things.

As for my trip, it was bloody fantastic. I loved spending so much time with my lovely boyfriend, especially my birthday. He made it one of the best, happiest birthdays I’ve ever had. I’ve been missing him terribly since I got home, and am looking forward to seeing him again very soon.

On the subject of my birthday, thanks to all who wished me a happy birthday, it was all much appreciated.

In other news, I have managed to get a new monitor today, so will be able to resume work on inking and colouring art stuff, as well as streaming. Look for me to do a stream sometime very soon to help give me a boost to get me restarted.

Just a heads up. I'm not going to be able to stream or produce any art for a little while.

Yesterday, my computer monitor stopped working. It had been starting to get a little glitchy, but now has stopped working altogether. Right now, I'm using an old CRT monitor I had sitting about the place. It required a bit of resourcefulness on my part to get it hooked up and working, but at least I do have a working screen now, allowing me to use my computer to get online and stuff.

The downside is, this thing is very big, and takes up a hell of a lot of space on my desk. So much so, that there's no room for my graphics tablet, which means I can't do any inking, colouring or streaming with this set up. Even if space wasn't an issue, I don't think doing any art with this thing would turn out well. The resolution is terrible compared to what I'm used to, parts of the screen are slightly blurry, and I've discovered that the display is a little dark. Some pics and videos that I could look at just fine are now murky and tough to make out. I've fiddled with the settings, turned the brightness up to max, but it hasn't helped.

I'm stuck with this thing until I'm able to scrape together the money to get myself a new monitor. I'm not sure how long that's going to take.

In other news, I'm not going to be about later this week. I have some time off work, so am going to go visit my boyfriend for my birthday. I will be going Thursday and returning next Wednesday, so don't be surprised if you're not able to contact me during that time. Thanks in advance for any birthday wishes anyone posts for me on Friday.

Just a general all purpose update for those of you out there who may be interested in how things are going with me...

Mood

My mood remains generally positive, and has been for a while. There are periods of being down of course, times when life throws crap at me or things go badly wrong. Been dealing with one such period over the weekend and into this week. But I definitely seem to have got better at handling such periods, not letting them drag me down as much or for as long as they sometimes would in the past.

And I think a big part of me managing to maintain an overall positive mood is my boyfriend, with all his love and support. I am incredibly thankful to have him in my life :)

Art

My art side seems to be going strong at the moment, as can be seen by the semi-regular uploads to my gallery. I’m doing my best to balance things between working away on my commissions, my own stuff and streaming, and that seems to have helped a lot. Even when I’ve been hit by bad moods recently, it doesn’t seem to have dented my creativity too much. I’m pretty pleased with how things are going on the art front.

Commissions

I remain closed for new commissions. That doesn’t seem to stop people asking on a regular basis… :)

I am making gradual progress on my commission backlog. I’ve reached the point where I can actually realistically imagine someday soon having them all done, which hasn’t been the case in a while.

House of Lazarus

Still trying to get the fourth and final issue done, but things on this front remain not good. I’m stuck on drawing a page, one that is very difficult to get right. It’s become such a source of stress that even trying to work on it causes my creative side to seize up and shut down. I’ll get through this particular block eventually, but for the moment, its somewhat stalled.

Fallen Hero

Recent streams of mine have focused on colouring and sketching stuff, but I haven’t forgotten this comic. In fact, I recently planned out the whole of the rest of the comic. I had meant to just work out what was going to happen I n the next few pages, but got carried away and did the whole thing. If this plan of mine for it remains unchanged, the comic should eventually run to 24 pages.

Birthday

One final thing of note. Later this month, on September 27th, it’s my birthday. I’ll be turning 35. Feel free to wish me a happy birthday on the day if you like.

Once again, I seem to be creatively blocked. You may have noticed a complete lack of anything from me for weeks. The fact is, I haven’t been able to do anything art related for the past few weeks. There are various factors that seem to be responsible, work related stress and exhaustion, worries about my future and money, etc. I won’t bore you all by moaning about it too much, suffice to say there is stuff screwing me up at the moment, which has made it tough to be able to get into any art.

But once again, I find myself feeling the need to sincerely apologize to all my commissioners who are still waiting for stuff from me. I am so very sorry for making you wait so long. I will get your commissions done eventually, however long it takes me.

And to everyone else, I am sorry for not being very active around here or producing anything new. Hopefully, that will change in the not too distant future, but I can’t be certain.

Well, after a couple of months, my artistic side seems to have finally awoken from its coma. The past few days I’ve managed to draw a new sketch, and I’ve done a brand new coloured pic from scratch. They’re not the best, I’m still a bit rusty, but it’s a start.

However, I just wanted to ask, could people please refrain from immediately asking me about when I’ll be streaming again, or about House of Lazarus or The Corps, or going on about what pics they’d like to see me do next. At least for the moment. I’d like to try and ease myself back into things at my own pace and would really appreciate no demands or pressure for the moment while I’m trying to get back on track. Thank you and sorry if that seems a little weird of me.

But anyway, it does feel very good to be doing something creative again, even if it is a little slow going. Expect to be seeing more stuff from me in the not too distant future.

Apologies to all for being so quiet. Not been at my best recently.

So, for a sort of update for those interested. My artistic ability, creativity, motivation, whatever you want to call it, is still very much missing. Have not been able to draw, or do anything art related for so long now. I try and my brain just freezes up and all I manage to do is get frustrated and make myself feel bad. I've reached the point where just thinking about my art is stress-inducing.

So, that's pretty much it. I imagine my art skills will return in time, but I really have no clue how long it will be. But I'm liable to largely absent around here until then. Just so you all know and don't worry about me.

Just want to say sorry for not being around very much. Not had anything to post or any energy for streaming.

The past month or so doesn't seem to have been all that good for me. I've had sleeping problems and my mood going up and down, and my artistic abilities seem to have been intermittent at best (at the moment, they seem to be comatose). And after the first two months of the year seemed to go pretty well.

Anyway, hopefully it won't be too much longer before I'm back on an even keel and working on stuff again. But I can't make any promises...

Just wanted to say a quick sorry to you all for not livestreaming at all this past week. I just never seemed to be able to get around to it. I had planned to do some streaming this weekend, but I just don't feel up to it.

At this point I can't be sure exactly when I'll stream again. I'll try not to make it too long, but I can't make any promises.

Ah, Valentine's Day, that special day in which single people are made to feel lonely and worthless.

I can't speak for anyone else, but for this particular single person, that's exactly what it has done... :(

Yeah, I finally feel up to giving livestreaming a try! So feel free to join me tomorrow night for an end of the month stream. I'm probably going to try and draw a brand new comic from scratch. It will be interesting to see how successful I am at it... :)

I'll post a new journal with a link when I get started. I'm currently planning to make a start about 10pm UK time. For you Americans, I believe that works out as 2pm Pacific time and 5pm Eastern time (as far as I know!). That's the time I'm aiming for, but don't be surprised if it ends up being slightly later.

I'm not sure how long I will be streaming for, but hopefully it will be at least a few hours, maybe more. It all depends on how well it goes and how I feel.

So, feel free to come visit the stream tomorrow, chat and watch me work on something new. Apologies in advance if it all goes horribly wrong. It's my first time doing this! :)

Just a quick heads up for anyone interested, my web site is now back up. There were a few problems and it was down for a while, but its all sorted now. Thanks to those who let me know it was down.

It can be found here: www.cyberklaw.com

Hmm. Looking at it, I find myself wondering if its time to give the site a make over. It could probably use it. Something else I can try and get done this year... :)

Well, 2013 had been going OK so far, just been taking things easy, relaxing, playing games, enjoying the time off work, and getting over being ill. But I feel like it’s time to start getting things done. The new year really does seem to have given me a new sense of determination and optimism with regards to getting my life back on track. And to help, I thought I’d put together a ‘to do’ list for this year. I’m going to do my best not to rush or stress too much over any of these, take my time and do them right. So, in no particular order:

1: Catch up on commissions

This one remains such a weight on my conscience, the fact that I still owe people stuff after so long. I seriously need to get caught up on this front. Once this is done, I may even consider taking on some more commissions for extra money, but that is uncertain right now, it’ll depend on how I feel once I clear the current backlog.

2: Finish House of Lazarus #4

Like with my commissions, this is a weight on my conscience, I hate that I’ve kept people waiting for so long. I think about it and I can hardly believe I haven’t managed to finish it yet. I need to stop messing about and get it done.

3: Find a new job

Over the last year, I have come to really hate my job. Between the crap hours and the ever dwindling overtime opportunities making it tougher to make enough money to get by (among other things), I’ve come to the conclusion it’s time to move on. So, if at all possible, I’d like to find myself a new job this year, maybe even something I’d like or enjoy. A tall order, but here’s hoping...

4: Make new friends / Find love

I spent the entirety of last year single. I’d rather not do that again this year. Friends always assure me that I don’t need a mate/boyfriend to be happy, which I accept (although I do notice that most of the friends that tell me this are ones in a relationship). But the simple fact is that I miss having love in my life. I want to find some special. And the only way I’m going to do that is to make new friends, get to know new people, and maybe eventually meet someone I can connect with. All I can do is try.

5: Reconnect with friends

One of my big regrets about last year was drifting apart from various friends as the year went on. I want to try and rectify that if I can, get back in touch with and talking to friends I haven’t spoken with in a while. We’ll see what happens there...

6: Carry on with ‘The Corps’

This wasn’t originally going to be on this list, but having just finished playing through the Mass Effect games, my mind has turned to my own little sci-fi story and how much I do want to get back to it and carry it on. I doubt I’ll be able to manage a regular schedule for it, but I do want to produce more for it as the year goes on.

Well, here we are, 2012 is very nearly at an end, and as far as I’m concerned, it can’t be over and done with fast enough. The simple fact is this has been quite a bad year for me.

I seem to have spent so much of it feeling down and depressed, and failing most of the times I’ve tried to do things to improve my mood. My art has suffered greatly this year, I have accomplished so little, have so many commissions waiting to get done, and have got nowhere closer to finishing House of Lazarus #4, all of which hang heavily on my conscience. As the year has gone on, I feel like I’ve drifted away from and fallen out of touch with various friends, something I regret and which I feel probably contributed to my regular bouts of loneliness. Being single this whole year, with very few prospects, probably didn’t help with that either.

To be fair, this year hasn’t been all bad. There have been good times here and there. What little art I have produced has been good, I like to think. I have made some very good supportive friends. But overall, the bad has far outweighed the good this year.

And the bad has been with me right up till the end of the year. I got to spend December worrying and stressing about money, as I had far less than I’ve had in previous years in the run up to Christmas. To top it all off, I have been ill for the past few weeks. It started with a cold, which led to a bad cough that kept getting worse until a trip to the doctor led to the discovery I actually had a chest infection. I’m currently taking antibiotics and waiting for it to clear up.

Oh well, finishing a crappy year feeling crappy... seems sort of appropriate.

Yet, despite everything, I have not slipped back into depression, I have a degree of optimism. Tomorrow is not just another day, but a whole new year. A good opportunity to make a fresh start on getting my life back on track, to try and put the all the crap behind me and move on.

So, goodbye 2012, and good riddance.

OK, since I guess a few people might be interested, I should probably let you all know how I’m doing.

As you may have guessed from my recent return to drawing, I am finally feeling better, this most recent bout of depression has finally passed.

It was a rough one, lasting nearly 2 months, which has to be the longest one I’ve ever had, as far as I can remember. It probably wouldn’t have been so long if not for the streak of bad luck I seemed to be hit with, wherein every attempt to cheer myself up went wrong, and something new went wrong with my life whenever I started to feel even a little better.

But despite it all, I have made it through, have returned to working on my art, and am feeling a lot better. Just in time for things to start getting insane at work in the run up to christmas and pile a whole load of stress on me. But I’m going to do my best not to let that get to me.

I’ve still got a load of commissions to finish, as well as House of Lazarus #4, not to mention all the pics and comics of my own I want to produce, so I have a rather daunting amount of work to keep me busy in my art time.

However, at the moment, I am remaining optimistic and hopeful.

So today I once again attempted to do something to cheer myself and get myself feeling better. And once again, it went wrong in some way and I ended up just feeling worse than when I started. This isn't the first time this has happened. Or the second. Or even the third. This happens with me a LOT.

People keep telling me not to give up, to keep trying. But its getting tougher and tougher when almost every attempt I make to feel better goes wrong.

It really does feel more and more like I'm just not meant to be happy. Maybe the world would just be better off without me and my never-ending misery in it, taking up space...

I'm going to keep this brief, you're all probably sick and tired of hearing me moan...

I'm not doing too well at the moment, to put it mildly. Things seem to go wrong almost all the time. Things very rarely seem to go right. I try and I struggle but life seems out to sabotage me at every turn. Its gradually grinding me down.

Its reaching a point where I'm starting to think maybe I should just give up on happiness and just accept that loneliness, misery and depression is all I'm meant for in this world.

Well, today is my 34th birthday.

It’s not been as bad a day as I was expecting it to be. I mean, I have been somewhat depressed since Tuesday afternoon, when my birthday depression showed up early, but it has dissipated some since then, thanks to being able to talk to friends online, which always helps. So, thank you to everyone who has talked to me over the past few days. And thank you to everyone who left me happy birthday messages.

Another thing that has helped is receiving a surprise gift pic commissioned by my good friends  foxconvoy and  regdeh which I’ll be posting soon. Thanks guys!

But even with all that help, I have spent some time today feeling bad about the sorry state of my life, the way in which aspects of it have shown almost no progress. And thinking about the fact that I have remained single for the entirety of the past year just left me feeling lonely.

And life as always likes to throw extra crap at me, so yesterday I was hit with a bad cold, that has continued to make me feel like crap into today and threatens to screw up plans I had for Friday.

So, all in all, today I have been feeling down, lonely and ill. But thanks to good friends, it hasn’t been nearly as bad as it could have been and there have been some stretches of it when I have felt good. So, I suppose that’s a reason to be thankful and cheerful.

Well, another month, another update...

Me and My Mood

My mood over the past month is hard to describe. While I haven’t exactly been very depressed, apart from the occassional brief period here and there, I still haven’t been feeling at my best. I seem to be spending a good portion of the time feeling just sort of OK, sort of meh.

The best times for my mood have been when talking to people. Unfortunately, this doesn’t seem to happen as often as I’d like. I seem to have drifted apart from a fair few people over the past several months. I suppose I should try reconnecting with them, but as silly as it sounds, I find it difficult, like I don’t want to go bothering them again.


Art Status

Art progress remains very slow and something of a struggle, held back by my mood. The fact that I was ill with a cold last month didn’t help. There I was, trying to get back up to speed, and then I get hit with a bad cold that rendered me unable to work on anything for about a week, sending me right back to square one. But I’m still going at at, trying to do at least a bit every day. Hopefully, I’ll get some more stuff finished soon.


Birthday

Later this month, on the 27th, it’ll be my birthday. I’m not looking forward to it in the slightest. I just can’t help but feel its going to be a depressing day.

I have a tendency to get down on my birthday. It’s a day that marks another year of my life gone, and my mind inevitably seems to turn to all the things I have failed to accomplish, all the things that are wrong with my life. This year in particular has the potential to be a bad one, as it’ll be the second in a row spent single. I’ve now been single for more than a year.

Oh well, its just a matter of seeing how things go on the day. At least I have a few weeks off work around my birthday, so that’ll be one thing I won’t need to worry about I do get depressed.


To Stream or Not to Stream?

A few months back, the idea was suggested to me by a friend that maybe I should try livestreaming with my art. It is an intriguing idea that I’ve been considering off and on since. And with my art remaining a struggle, maybe doing something different would help. But on the other hand, it would be quite a departure for me. Producing art while an audience watches isn’t really something I’ve ever done before.

So, I was just wondering how many people would be interested in seeing a livestream from me?

Well, another update on the sorry state of my life. I must be boring you all to death with these...

Mood

I continue to go through a bad period of depression. I’m up and down a lot, but more down than up for the most part. I think I may be starting to come through this period, but very slowly and gradually, it’s difficult to say. I still feel lonely, miserable and unloved, just not as much as I was before.

And please, don’t go saying people love me. I’m talking about me as a person. I’m sure there are people who love my art, but I am not my art. Anyone who’s met me would be able to tell you that I’m a person, not a collection of furry pics. And I have a few friends who like me, but I don’t think any are close enough to be able to say they love me. As such ‘unloved’ seems a suitable word.

Some have suggested I see a doctor and get some anti-depressants. That’s not going to happen any time soon. They just seem too much of a gamble to me for me. Some people know people for whom such medications have worked. That’s great. But I also know people who have tried various anti-depressants which never helped any with the depression, but did have bad side-effects. And remember, I’d be paying money for that gamble.

I’m not going to get into a debate with anyone over anti-depressants, so please don’t bother trying to get me to change my mind. I’ve made my decision. I’d have to get a whole lot worse than I am before I reconsidered.

Art Status

At the moment, I seem to be artistically dead. I haven’t been able to draw anything in weeks, not so much as a single line. Not for lack of trying though. It’s weird, I don’t know what the problem is, it’s like a mental block or something. I sit down to try and draw, but my brain just seems to freeze up and nothing comes out, no matter what I do or what I try to draw. All I end up doing is making myself feel worse.

I’m hoping I just need to give myself some time and I’ll get over it. But until I do, it remains a source of stress and frustration.

Friends (Or Lack Thereof)

One thing that hasn’t helped at all recently is the lack of friends to talk to. Whenever I’ve been on IM messengers recently, there’s been very few people I know on, and even fewer willing to talk to me. Maybe it’s because its summer and people are off on holiday or busy with stuff, maybe I’ve just been unlucky and keep missing everyone, maybe people have just got sick of hearing about how badly I’m doing.

When I have managed to talk to people, it has helped me feel a better, even if just a little. I just wish I could do that more often.

Skyrim

One thing that has been helping me over the past few weeks is the game Skyrim. I bought it cheaply during a recent steam summer sale and I’ve been enjoying it a great deal. It’s such a wonderfully big and immersive game, it’s proven to be great at helping me take my mind off things when I’ve felt really bad, in the same way that Minecraft and Champions Online have done in the past. So, I’ve been playing it a LOT.

Londonfurs

I am aware there is a Londonfurs meet this Saturday, and I’m currently debating whether or not to go. On the one hand, getting out and meeting people would probably do me a lot of good. On the other, the Olympics are still on, and an overcrowded London isn’t exactly appealing. And it’s possible that may keep away a lot of other people as well.

Any London furs planning to go?

Just felt like writing another update and saying a few things...

First off, thank you for all the encouraging replies to my previous journal. I appreciate it and it helped a little. And I want to apologise to anyone I may of insulted with that post. At least one person was, so maybe others are as well. To them, I’m sorry, I meant no insult. I’m also sorry to you all for always seeming to post about how bad I’m feeling.

You see, my big problem is, that after many weeks of doing well, my mood seems to have slipped back into a cycle of going back and forth between feeling OK and soul-crushing depression. I’m currently hitting the depression end of that cycle pretty hard.

And when I’m feeling like this, I can’t help but see evidence everywhere for me being a useless waste of space. My art skills seem to have disappeared completely, I still seem to have very few friends, I’m still single and lonely. Hell, it turns out I’m even insulting people without intending to or realising just by saying how bad I’m feeling!

I’m hoping it’s just a matter of time until I get through this and my artistic side returns, and am doing my best not to let the depression destroy me too much before that happens. But for the moment, all I can say to you all is sorry for not being so down and unable to produce any art and thank you all for your encouragement and understanding.