Great detailing, has a bit of a Strega vibe

But only has 29 watchers!?!?!??! Let's change that, too :3c

It is, the  heliga !!!

They won't do any NSFW - so do NOT expect penises or vaginas - just enjoy the artwork for what it is - its fluidity and vorny excellency :3

They've got a really goooood vorny animation of one of their characters against a tree uwu

PS. If you're a naga, let yourself be known to them :3c

The one hosted by  kanosint and I believe some others?

AMAZING! :D It was an amazing experience :3c

I didn't get to try out a fursuit or tease as many folk as I had wanted/hoped to - but I still had an absolute blast.

Did some sword fighting stuff hosted by someone named Cleithrum - had a fack ton of fun doing that with other folk.

I mostly honestly had fun just socializing with folk - hella fun getting to know fellows - their interests - even their kinks :wheeze:

Did this "spin the bottle" game which I still feel somewhat mixed about - there was some bits that were uncomfy for me - and I also got WAY too competitive - but I did have quite a bit of fun. I licked someone twice lmfao, and also put my hand quite quickly into someone's mouth - as a part of a dare - I aint gon lose a single gummy life! Ended winning only by 1 life against someone (who I honestly thought had 1 more than me - it was 4 vs 3 - I thought she had 5 and not 3). But it was close enough IMHO that I said, as fellow preds especially, that we were both the hungriest and most voracious there~ :3c

In the introduction games, I did some form of like TedTalk LMAOOOO - and folk seemed to have enjoyed it for what it was worth X3
I can't remember fully what I said, but it was something like "Hello everyone, I'm your sleddog extradonaire. Perhaps the huskiest of the huskies. Pulling my sled all the way from Canada" and ending it with "This was all I could think about", PFFT. I started it with "I've got social anxiety disorder SO LET'S GO!" - and proceeded to say the rest of the above while shaking in immense social anxiety lmao - but I did try to put on a LOUD and brave funny voice on :3c

Food - the literal food - not folk! Was actually quite nice, LOOOOVED the meatballs and mashed potatoes - and the chili dogs were a good second. The borscht was meh - I liked the sauce - but I didn't enjoy the beetroot chunks themselves.

Burped on someone near the end - he whimpered very cutely - even to the weakest of these hoosk burps muhehehehe >;3

Everyone was quite nice and approachable - and I hoped that I expressed the same! Had many a fellows coming up to speak to me and I loved each interaction :3

The place overall was quite small - the rooms were a good size though. Was a bit confusing trying to find where we were supposed to go. It's quite far away from a lot of stuff (about 15-20min drive) - and there isn't any real good public transportation to the place - so you have to make sure you get a rideshare (or own a car, lol) - and also hope to god Telegram doesn't ban you either! Kano made sure to update me as much as possible - but it was difficult knowing of the things happening without word of mouth due to the Telegram ban. The schedule and room list that Kano sent to me was helpful though :3

PS - there's a cute sheepdog/collie doggo (looks like Rufus the Boofer) - like an actual dog there - VERY playful and very intelligent. Very nice coming across the doggo while walking outdoors :3c - well trained too.

https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/11245960/
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/11244440/
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/11243747/
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/11235250/

Even some vore too :3c

Give  ryenluce some of your time - give dem a lookie!!! Hopefully watch and comm them too :3c

Noticed they had 41 watchers and decided that, nah, they need more then that uwu

Yup! It's that time of year again, when da festivities must come to an end

This Vore Con was a chaotic but joyful one. Myself being quite the pinnacle point of both of such LMAO

I'll likely make another journal writing a conclusion - maybe a few submissions. But twas hella fun, I'd so do it again

https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/11244440/

I'll get to everyone's shouts and comments after - i swear!!! AaaaAAAAAaa

Yaaassssss :3c

I'm here if you happen to be looking - and are here too :3 always down to meeeeet. I'll be da fellow in the husky baraclava uwu

https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/11243747/
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/11235250/

Yeah :3 I'm here, for da vore con :D

A day early, so at a hotel rn. Will be there proper tomorrow :3c

Always down to chat if you happen across meee

Vore con will be afternoon of Oct 31st to morning of Nov 3rd :3

https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/11235250/

https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/11235250

Getting prepped and ready to go :3

Going to a temp hotel before we go to the actual vore con - which opens in the afternoon of the 31st uwu

So should be in Brussels around like 5 or 6 PM Belgian time? I actually haven't looked at the journey or how long it'll take. Just my assumptions loool.

Had the funniest most therian-affirming situation ever happen a day back

Basically I had gone on a looong walk - walking for a few hours. Came back home and my friend noticed a weird smell - we easily agreed that it was me. I asked him to describe it - and he described it as "wet dog".

I think he means like my sweat smell - but he says it isn't - so I sniff around, sniff my pants... IT SMELLS LIKE WET DOG!

I didn't brush up against any dogs - literally just went on a long walk - alone too with barely anyone around! I count this as a personal win :3c now to start smelling like cornchips... God I hope that happens instead of what I have now for paw smell 😭😭😭

I'll be there :3c if ya wanna meet at all

though I doubt there's any UK folk near enough in my follower list nor who'll see this post on my profile lol

From the 31st of October to the morning of November 3rd - I'll be there! Close-ish to Brussels

If any fellow who happens across this journal - and wants to meet me (anyone can, even if you don't watch me! ;p) - I'll be dere :D

like, right now! If you wanna meet :3c

I can see what people mean by elevators/lifts being constantly down LMAO. There was one elevator that was just never operational, even on the day before opening ceremony.

There was a spooky scary fire alarm or whatever pulled too, I think on Friday night? The fire alarm wasn't too ear blistering but it was certainly a bit scary as my dramatic self thought there might actually be a fire or something - my laptop was in our room!!! Fortunately everything was alright and we all quickly went back in - was 2 in the dang morning though.

But other than that, I had a blast!!! I was somewhat worried that like, I'd be against seeing fursuiters or feel out of place or otherwise hella uncomfortable but like, I got pretty comfy and on with it pretty fast. First day and my mouth was agape with awe at all the fursuiters and such - I couldn't believe I was a furry too LMFAOOOOOOO. My friend found it amusing that I was in awe at everything - even the hotel itself lmfao

Didn't go to as many meets as I had wanted, caught con crud (later discovered it was covid) on Saturday and that put a huge dent into things - still tried interacting here and there (all while trying to keep any infecting to a bare minimum - mask, turning away to cough). Pretty sure I got it from the vore meet - it was wayyyyy too tightly compact there - way too many people, too small of a room (and I heard it was worse last year!!!). Couldn't really meet or talk with anyone at the vore meet either - didn't really know anyone and it was too tight and loud - I could barely hear anyone

They had huskies there too, a charity event, Saints Sled Dog Rescue! None of the huskies were interested in me at all though (some even straight up ignored me lmaoooooo) - if anything - more interested in my water bottle I had lmfao. Maybe they thought I was one of them pfft (I did have a husky bandana onnn)

I was meaning to make a journal before - but I had been adjusting to the UK and also had a Telegram that got banned for no reason and had been stressing a ton about that - because I couldn't communicate to anyone going to Confuzzled without it. Ended up not being too too much of an issue but it would've been great to have that option... Cause it was awkward not really having talked to anyone prior.



Making this journal finally beginning to recover from covid and I think finally beginning to de-stress. Been a wild few months for me, but I think I'm finally settling back down again - and should be getting back to doing all the things... I should've been doing :weary:

I thought I would during the AirBnB I was at prior to going to the UK - but something there kept making my nose bleed constantly and I think likely sapped a ton of my energy too - on top of stressing about getting ready to go to the UK in time arghhh

Something I imagine sometimes is on people's minds when they come across my page :wheeze:

Short answer: exhausted, fatigued, very much still. Might see a doc about it

Longer answer:
Brain is still getting used to, just not being bombarded with requests, and living by one's own-self, making decisions for myself - which is fantastic, I've never actually felt this free in my life before.
Though, been having some issues, not too good with organization (had that one before) and another one I can think of right now involves blood and mucus so I'm going to do a spoiler;
So basically, for the entire month, my nose has been bleeding almost non-stop, every day. I initially thought it was because ohh "maybe it's because of a dry environment, especially if I'm having the window open because of how hot it gets", but even in times when I have the window closed I still get it - and it's not a conventional nosebleed either, it doesn't come dripping out of my nose - only when I blow my nose. I noticed it started to happen after I had mismanaged the organization of an organics bag (as there isn't any public container or bucket to put organics in beyond going outside each time - and even then I'm pretty sure it needs to be in a bag and can't be just willy-nilly thrown in), leaving it in my room as it well, *fermented*. I've since improved the way I store organics, I hope, but I still get nasal issues - that involve blood. Happens primarily after I awake - I'll blow my nose and have thick gelatin mucus with blood in it, or just straight up splatters of blood all over my hands. Don't see any black colouring so it's definitely not fungal, but it does have brown and some green (brown is from dried blood IIRC, green usually indicative of infection). Planning to hopefully go to a walk-in tomorrow and see a doc about it, but I'm pretty sure it's the primary thing making me exhausted as of recent, hoping it's nothing too serious. As of writing right now, there is blood in my nose STILL... Fortunately not coughing up blood so that's a plus, lmao :D
(now talking about mucus)
And even then, before that, whenever I laid my head down to try to sleep, I'd suddenly get super-congested to the point of essentially not being able to breathe at times :weary: . Still occurs to this day but at some point I just get so tired I fall asleep and it looks like I mouth breathe because I'm always dehydrated (sometimes super dehydrated) after waking up. This isn't any different from before I left my mother, and where the issue sprouted up, but I thought it'd be over, that it'd go away, but it still hasn't! And it's winter, so what on this dang green Earth could I *be allergic to???*, myself??? god I hope it's not an autoimmune disease. I'm hoping whatever this is does go away because this would just suck to have all the time... Have debated getting more pillows to prop my head up higher - which I recall helps. I still use this Otrivin nasal medication I got from time to time - ensuring I don't overuse it, but it sometimes just doesn't work, as my mucus just gets lodged deeper inside my nose instead and doesn't budge.

But yeah, that's why I haven't been too active even still... Beyond that, was also busy getting a passport - which I should be getting in a few days from now!!! :D and then I can work on trying to get my UK visa. Been programming here and there too when I have the energy. So yeah still, I'm not trying to ghost anyone if it seems like that, I am just truly *EXHAUSTED* and I'll pull myself out of roleplays or activities when I feel like I can't participate properly due to it.

So, been about 8 days since I left to an AirBnB. Still been quite the eventful week, mother had reported me as a missing person a few days back lmfao - that was quite awkward and nerve-wracking (she doesn't trust me lmao).

Has it been generally less stressful? Hell yeah, I'm even managing a mostly consistent sleep schedule (because I'm not avoiding people and don't have to stay up at odd hours to... be myself). My brain still isn't fully used to it, still has some hiccups there and mother is able to pull at said hiccups relatively well when they shine outward, parts of my brain still think everything can be restored back to the way it was and it's like - no, I should keep on this path, I know I didn't have any longterm plan with my mother, especially one that'd involve my safety and continuance as an individual.

Has mother been stressing me about it all though? Yeah, making me feel like some vile creature and victim complex'ing me - and when I pointed this out - said that she wasn't... And when I pointed it to her directly in text - then said text wasn't the best way to communicate things (it is for me, as it keeps a history and my brain can't handle too much words at once, lags like Internet Explorer lmao) or said I was misunderstanding things lol. I remember she was asking me why I left, so I wrote 3 to 4 sizable paragraphs, and she just went "I don't know any of these stories, but you need help" and I called her out for calling them "stories" - saying how she wasn't listening to me or even cared. She said I misunderstood her use of "stories" - and it's like, what is there to *misunderstand*, you just told me that what I said essentially didn't matter. She would later say that it did matter or something - but added that I misunderstood things and made them out to be "out of proportion". What's most funny is that on several occasions, she's said "I'll move mountains for you to come back" and it's like, you can't even listen to me, you can't even move the mountain of *listening* to me.

I should cut her out, she's mentioned that she doesn't want to be cut out, that she wants to maintain a familial relationship with me - and I also haven't wanted to burn bridges (I initially did, but brain changed that idea on a dime) - but parts of my brain still want to keep it going, and also because she pays for my phone service (I've offered money to pay for it but she's declined it ;p). Also because I'm not sure what she's going to plan to do next, and I also want to make sure my other siblings and people that were in my life aren't too affected by the aftermath of my leaving.
Even despite how much she actively tries to burn bridges while saying she doesn't want to - she's certainly quite the character.

I have 'til the 30th of April to ensure I got everything to go to the UK (legal stuff like a passport and work/stay visa? I forgot the name of it). Been having some trouble with getting the resources and people to do it, but there's hope. The ideal hope is that I can be out of the AirBnB before time is up, but it certainly is ticking.

What's my excuse for not replying this time? Just the general stress has distracted me, and also wanting to make sure I can do anything as soon as possible - as much as possible. If I'm not waiting on anything, I want to be doing things that can help me get that passport and visa. Still getting used to things and getting the hang of it all, still figuring out how to divide and utilize my time, and also still mentally recovering. Starting to reply to stuff now, and should be editing up stuff and drawing stuff more for the soon forseeable future :3
Been mostly focusing on programming too https://codeberg.org/TPH?tab=activity - just cause it calms me down more and I haven't been too mentally active for more explicit content lmfao - I want to make sure I can give a nice show :D

Got an AirBnB as a solution https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/11011319/

I feel so crappy, I feel so god awful, I feel so bad. My mother made a scene as I was leaving and then gave me this victim complex monologue... And it's working, it works on me, I feel so dirty and so guilty :weary:

So I'm going to try to figure out how to get a passport and a UK visa while living in a shared home now lol. Wish me luck I guess. Need to buy some food too lol

Probably going to cry too, I don't know, I just feel very sick right now

Many of you might notice that I haven't been replying much if at all ;p no it's not due to you, I've just gotten REALLY hella tired as I somewhat hinted at in https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10896137/ and reflected upon more in https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10893849/ would happen.

I have a ton of breathing difficulty from allergies - and with the allergies themselves - my body is just constantly fighting itself (immune response to dog skin/hair or something else here, the irony being a dog furry) or something and it's affecting me a loooot.
Most of the time I can barely think (because more focused on trying to breathe aaaa) and usually just stare off. I swear I feel like 40 years or more older than I actually am (I'm 22 rn but feel like 62 or 72 :weary:). The compounded stress from IRL has had a toll on me too, probably more so than I imagine but ehhhh

With that said, I barely have the brain power to make good teases or come up with something cool or intelligent to say, so I just don't bother. Don't have the energy to do any RP either. I might still release more of the exotic stuff I have - it's really easy for me to make and set up and idk why it's easier than talking :wheeze:

And if it's not any of the above, it's privacy - I lack SOOO much privacy to do almost ANYTHING. I need time to think and create a message - but it's hard when I have siblings suddenly invading my personal space or my mother demanding me to do stuff on a whim. So I'm always in like guard watch mode, ensuring no one is near invading my personal space - oh and making adequate excuses whenever questioned about whatever I'm doing because siblings are curious (and like to gossip quite a bit) and my mother suspicious of me - it's not fun :weary:

But yeah, I've read what y'all have said ahehehe, so don't think I've gone out ignorin' ya ;p
I've saved some of your messages to a private channel of mine so that I don't forget to reply - or to ensure it doesn't get flooded by other messages (like my shouts for example, doesn't really save messages there unfortunately :weary: so I have to save them somewhere else)

TL;DR: yeah I basically just wanted to say I'm not ignoring anyone on purpose, I do read what y'all say I just don't have the energy in me to reply, like almost ever - and if it's not issues with energy - I just don't have any privacy.

It may be what you think, but I'm going off the premise that it's not.

And no, this doesn't mean anything against me being a vore pred - it's actually why I'm not a vore prey lmao. So don't worry about any stuff I post changing or ceasing in that regard :D

I feel like this is something I probably should discuss so I don't have to explain myself every time someone teases consuming me or something - rather just pointing to this journal. Also because I find it interesting and really weird that I experience anything of this sort - it just doesn't make sense, y'know y'know?

Yes, I'm pretty serious (although comically-seeming) about "vore PTSD" - certain images of vore or certain contexts involving vore can freak me TF out and make tweak like crazy. I do a terrible summary of why and how with https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10548352/ . With an even worse summary - I basically had a weird alter-ego, alternate personality, "plural", "headmate" that was hellbent on vore, obsessed, and it tanked my mental health VERY badly. It making an account here when I was 15 turning 16 and me getting rid of it when I was 17. It had been in my head for way longer - prob about when I was 11 or 12?
Anyways, did I have a crippling vore addiction? Well yes, but actually no.
As I mention, this was a "headmate" - a separate individual, a separate thinking being from myself - inside of my head. It had its own goals, wants, and thoughts separate from my own. If we're mentioning technicalities - it had the crippling vore addiction, not me ;p
It made vore my problem, and punished (usually quite severely, if you can imagine that somehow happening neurologically) me for not fulfilling its goals and kinda spread throughout my brain tryin' to take me over. Explains why I'm a furry and into vore today - because of such a beautiful garden of eden that the funky headmate thing created... *sarcasm*

Anyways you're here about the "vore PTSD", not the lore.

Basically, yes, as I quickly mentioned - I freak and tweak TF out - and there's certain levels. E.g. if you tease about eating me, all that's probably going to happen is that I'll get pissy (after giving a stern warning or being avoidant of it) - and I won't really freak out - I know how to control my emotions >;p . Wouldn't block tho, I'm very tolerant and it takes a lightyear worth of a track record to get me to ever block you - at most I'll usually unfriend if you keep persisting unless we share a server (and thus a point of communication) then yeah I might block - but you'd have to do it like 300 times or something (do not try it to test >:P ).
But say, you show me a vore art that the weird "headmate" tortured me with, then the "freaking out" starts brewing in the recesses of my mind. I can also USUALLY deal with this - but enough images or if I'm already feeling tired/down/depressed enough and it can begin spiraling out of control. Even thinking about or reading about the whole situation can screw with me quite a bit.

With my fursona, I got eaten once to see how I'd enjoy it - I'm down to experiment and wanted to see how I'd fare. My brain went DEEP into the crapper and my brain still stresses about it sometimes to this day (the fact I can remember and detail it is another indicator of this...) - so that's how well that worked out lmfao. So this actively prevents me from EVER being prey

At most severe, looking at Leo the Wolf/Radar the AWD stuff REALLY screws with it (even talking about it sometimes, so I run a risk talking about him or finding funny stuff he's made). The weird "headmate" tortured me the most with his vore art. It's actually so bad that even the colours of his fursona can screw with me - I can only look at the Estonian flag for a limited time or clear mind LMAO.
I've tried many methods of trying to get rid of it, but it's always failed or gotten worse. E.g. doing self-medicated exposure therapy with a clear mind or as lacking of a distractive environment, not thinking about it for a while, avoiding stuff like it as much as possible, trying to think of other things when I see stuff like it.
All failed and made it worse in some circumstances. I imagine I probably need a better environment to actually try these in - not being subjected to constant stress or privacy invasion - but it seems pretty set in stone and I don't like it being set in stone... Last idea would be to talk with him to see if that closes a door on something, gives my brain closure, but as it stands, yeah, the blue black and white wolf now AWD somehow makes my brain and even body go insaneeee

I think it was due to some form of parasocial relationship. I know the said weird "headmate" was obsessed with him, declaring him god-like lmfao. Then the weird "headmate" did weird stuff and now I have some weird mental amalgamation of what it created. I still deal with this weird "parasocial relationship" - but the thing is, it's not love it's not happiness it's not obsession in a traditional sense. It's obsessive fear, a genuine erratic fear (mixed with some other negative stuff?) - of AN IMAGE, of a COLOUR PALETTE, like god DAMN bro that's what??? I kinda go on a rant about it in https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10573022/ pfft
Anyways I should tell you where the "PTSD" part comes from. I don't think I've ever genuinely experienced PTSD or any sufficient stimuli to actually develop it; but reading up on its symptoms - I get a lot of said symptoms with this "vore PTSD".

I get cold sweats, sometimes a fever, lots of shaking/trembling, lack of balance, woozy/near passing out sometimes, depersonalization and derealization, sometimes breathing difficulties, mass anxiety/"excitement" (anxiety excitement), heart palpitations/fast heartbeat, irritability, feeling tense, concentration problems, and... I think there's more but I can't remember it

Do I want to see a doctor about this in particular? Yes. Do I have a safe environment to? No not really. Do I feel comfortable physically speaking to someone about how pixels on a screen - images of a wolf with an engorged gut - make my brain go insane? Not really either. There's discomforts in life that you have to overcome, certainly, but seeking actual help with this in any meaningful capacity at the current moment seems very high risk very low reward - especially with my mother's behaviours.

And this "vore PTSD" has an ACTUAL OBSERVABLE physical effect. My mother was taking me to this clinic to check vitals and allergens one day, and I decided to look at Leo stuff before going to figure out if I experience any actual bodily effect from this "vore PTSD" - experiment of some sort. One of the doctors checked my blood pressure and had asked if I was anxious about it - which I wasn't - I was pretty cool about the whole thing but I of course don't want to say "oh no it was because I looked at images of an anthropomorphic wolf with a large stomach" so I went along with it LMAO.
I asked the doc what the blood pressure reading was and they told me it was 160/90 - and let me remind you - this was like 2 hours after looking at the images, so this "vore PTSD" STICKS and LASTS. According to a google, apparently 160/90 is stage 2 hypertension ;p

I didn't have the best control of course - I'm not sure what my normal reading is - but I was still feeling the effects of said "vore PTSD" so I imagine it was correlated to that and not my actual base reading.

TL;DR: there really isn't a TL;DR for this, the whole context is quite a show

Yeah if I sound dismissive it is because I actually am, I find it atrociously silly that I experience something, anything of this sort. Something I live with but I find it funny AF. It's illogical but it doesn't care about logic or what makes sense, it just does what it does.

As foreshadowed in https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10893849/ , yeah I am becoming incredibly exhausted with each coming day it seems. I feel like I'm able to do less and less, and less able to bounce back each time. And I doubt I'll be coming out as a furry any time soon.
And in https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10896137/ - yeah my allergies did indeed go sicko mode which adds to the exhaustion.

Also have been sick for basically the entirety of November with god knows what - it might be Covid but I hope it aint - severe rampant congestion to the point of breathing difficulty and overall quick exhaustion. I could really do without the brain damage if it is Covid :weary:

So exhausted that its taken me a month to even get to writing this journal.

There was and still is a promising thing I could go for - leaving Canada - in particular - I have a friend in the UK that has offered to take me in.
Except, there's an issue... Canada's passport system is so bad I can't even get the prerequisites for leaving this dang country. The main issue with getting a passport - I need a "guarantor" - someone with a Canadian passport that essentially is like a reference (I need 2 references but apparently they can be international? So I'll be going for that)... Like a reference, I need to know the "guarantor" for 2 years minimum. (I go into detail about "in lieu of guarantor in the paragraph after the next)

Now, the issue is, I barely know anyone, almost absolutely no one, being an introvert all my life has come to bite me in the fluffbutt lmfao.
Did I try with the people I know and are comfortable with? Yes, I tried...
Of the people who responded and were even helpful (two) - they didn't have a passport.
The one person (an online friend of mine who is Canadian) with a passport (supposedly?) who responded, just ended up ghosting me mid-way, cool.
I've contacted a bunch of teachers - one of them was one of the 2 who were helpful but no passport. All the others haven't responded to me, for over a month (and never have).
Any other teachers? Yeah but I can't find their contact details as they've either retired or moved. Couldn't I just find their Facebook? Yeah probably but that'd be not only creepy in a way - my mother likes to check my Facebook from time to time - and with Facebook's excessive tracking and sharing this isn't even a feasible idea anyways.

So, being at such a standstill, I've debated that I'll probably need to do the "in lieu of guarantor" thing, seems promising... Except I'm not sure how to sneak around with applying to it - and I *actually supposedly* need my birth certificate for the passport anyways - which my mother has secured so that I won't lose it. I need a very convincing and compelling argument to have it be regularly in my possession - which I am far from having any - and she's already suspicious of me - so it'd just be more fuel to that fire.
Can't really just sneak into her room to get it either - she trusts me enough to be in her room - but it's not really a good idea to go and just sneak 'n get my birth certificate - as that'd break trust once she finds out (not a matter of "if" - as she'll likely need it for something she suddenly applies me for) - and this whole passport thing could take **MONTHS**... And with that broken trust would come even MORE suspicion which I can NOT deal with.



So this is where another hypothetical solution comes in... Can I live with someone for like 5 to 6 months lol (at least until May, HOPEFULLY unless passport stuff takes longer ugh, most ideally should be like 3 to 4 months, until March or April, but it's most likely going to be until May because reality be like... :weary:) - someone in Canada because y'know, I can't leave this dang country.
How does this tie in with the above? Not entirely sure, I just kinda expect being able to break that trust or go for a random chance on asking for *both* my SIN and birth certificate before shortly leaving for another place. I might be able to argue "hey I'm 22 years old, and I've got secure pockets now, I'd like to hold onto these now in case I need them" - but it's really really debatable.

Am I making money? No, I'm making no money so this hypothetical situation would involve you financially supporting and housing me... I'll try to contribute as much as I can physically - but I am very exhausted so don't expect much for the few months - or throughout the entire stay...
My UK friend can help with some expenses like toiletries or small travel expenses.
Can I bathe my self, wash my own laundry, do my own hygiene? Yes of course with the provided resources, I'm not that debilitated fortunately!!! X3
I'll try to financially compensate once I start making money - cause trust me when I say it - I really don't like - in fact I vehemently hate the idea of being a dead weight. It irks me terribly to be that - to the point that this journal (and seeking and even accepting help as a whole) has been difficult for more reasons than just exhaustion... Also anxiety, I have a lot of social anxiety (physically, I have like none online lol) and dependence like that gives me a TON of anxiety.
But it's either that or going a uhhh, censored route because I'm not really sure what to do anymore and I can't handle being exhausted.

What would I ask of you? Internet and anything needed to run it, and the ability to not be verbally harassed or ordered to do stuff - especially not on a whim. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't care about sleeping on a cold hard floor, just as long as I can get away from here I could care less, back pain is better than exhaustion pain.
I'd also like access to food, water, power, and cleaning supplies (I have to wash myself and my laundry ;p). Heating + air conditioning would be an added plus but all I desire is the bare essentials.
I'd also like some privacy - a corner or room to retreat to if need be.

What will I bring? Well I intend to bring all of my devices - a laptop, a harddrive, and my phone - if somehow possible I would like to bring my cooling fan - would close out that need of air conditioning!
I'd like to bring some of my childhood stuff - a plastic chest shorter than but slightly wider than a briefcase, a small duffel bag of misc stuff, aaaand... That actually should be it in terms of childhood stuff I'd like to bring (I don't have much being kept because either its been thrown out, is something I don't really care about - and is either stored somewhere or is stored by my mother, or is something I could for the most part just relinquish if it meant leaving here and now).
I have razors for cutting my beard and antiperspirant - tho might need more of the antiperspirant later on lol. I do have shaving cream but I find I don't particularly need it for cutting my beard (just makes for a smoother shave it seems and my skin feels a bit weird without it iirc - no bleeding) so could be left too.

Of the bigger things - I'd like to bring my blanket (or 2) and a garbage bag of my clothing (being able to bring two bags would be amazing but I get if there's no storage for a 2nd one, especially during transit). This'd cut the need for heating I'd hope lol
I'd like to bring 2 coats of mine - a thin rain coat-ish and a winter coat.

What can I do? Probably not much in the beginning - I'll be emotionally and physically recovering - because even my body has had enough of this lol
Ideally I should be able to do my own laundry no matter how exhausted I am (and exhaustion should only be decreasing by that point), I may or may not clean my own dishes or any dishes (I'm forgetful or I'm particularly exhausted in that instance, or maybe my hands hurt - I have a skin sensitivity around my lower arms and hands from years of excessive handwashing when I was younger), may or may not be able to do cleaning (exhausted so likely limited, if it's my own mess I'll clean it - just make sure to remind me if I've forgotten or if I didn't notice), and may or may not help with certain chores depending on how difficult they are (might randomly help you with things too so yay lmao).

I ideally should be able to aid in any shopping/grocery - I like to subsist on the cheapest things available - and don't like the idea of consuming anything expensive (won't be seeing me go to a restaurant and hella unlikely to go to a fast food joint unless I get gifted something to purchase stuff from one lol). I have years of experience of looking for the cheapest things, finding deals, unit pricing, and trying to buy in bulk as much as possible.

Any issues I have? I am diagnosed with autism, OCD, tic disorder (iirc), and social anxiety disorder.
I have some form of respiratory or nasal issue - where I seem to get excessively congested - so I'll likely be frequently clearing out my sinuses - could be from all the allergies and illnesses I keep getting here - hopefully because I wonder what it's like to breathe, to actually legitimately breathe.
I likely have some form of spinal issue - I have a weird gait and can have a lot of back pain at random points - can't bend/crouch down a lot or my back gets really sore. Sensitive to touch on my back too - my siblings have punched me on the back before and I just freeze up in pain.
A little more personal: I appear to have an infection on my left arm - some form of fungal or viral skin rash - infected an area where I had this permanent contact dermatitis - it cleared initially with antifungal cream but appears to have come back. Doesn't seem to spread as it hasn't spread to any other part of my body nor has it spread to anyone else.
I have some form of injury (with some infection) in my left toe - extremely sensitive to pain there - friends suggest it's some form of ingrown nail - I haven't gotten it looked at and have had it for years
I have had some issue with my left ear - susceptibility to ear infection for a while. I assume it was a perforated eardrum - one doc said it wasn't and I didn't check with another for a second opinion. Appears to have fully cleared up now - but...
You may see me clear out my ears with paper towel - I try to keep it to a private setting so I'll likely go in a room, to not gross anyone out!!! I do this to avoid any potential ear infections - I especially do this after showering. May do similar if I'm trying to bruteforce clear my sinuses

I don't think I'd need any form of accommodation for any of these issues as I currently don't have one and I've been, well, trudging on by with such conditions. Only accommodation I've ever had is just being able to somehow rest extra.

I am very social online, so I may or may not be noisy - if I'm bothersome just let me know! I'll try to quiet down, I sometimes have difficulty with volume control of my self.
I think I have some hearing problems - probably from one of my siblings screaming bloody murder in my ears - I also get tinnitus (I'm pretty sure). But neither tinnitus or loud noises hurt me - which that lack of hurting might be a problem within itself lol
At most, loud noises or bassy noises are uncomfortable - they make my ear drums intensely vibrate which feels really weird.

Allergies - I'm allergic to dogs (ironic AF), cats, hamsters, and a certain list of trees/weeds - I forgot which but I did get an allergy chart thing - not sure where it is right now.
I'm pretty sure I'm only allergic to the skin of said animals - as a long-haired dog we have and prior long-haired cats barely gave me any allergies (or so I think, they weren't noticeable) - which I'm pretty sure is due to so much hair preventing dandruff - or excessive amounts lol - as shorthair have given me more problems.

I think that's about it, yeah. I would like to talk more in-depth with anyone who actually wants to take me in, check if you'd not only be comfortable with it - but also ensure you have the financial ability - I wouldn't want to bog you down or impede your dreams. I also want to ensure that I'm not left stranded if something about it irks you, because I'm really not sure what in the heck I'd do if you decide to just abandon me last minute or during the stay.
If it all goes smoothly, I'll very likely be going to 2024 Confuzzled :D would love to meet y'all there uwu

TL;DR: I'm exhausted AF and I'm having trouble escaping my country to go to the UK, so I'm looking for someone to live temporarily with until I can, so that I can at least somewhat recover instead of being constantly bogged down with stress and exhaustion due to current family.
I mention a lot of things to expect of me if you are willing to take me in. Might see me at Confuzzled (paid for by my UK friend thanks so muuuuch) if everything goes well (I'll try to be as visible as possible if you wanna meet! I won't bite~) :3
And if things go well, I'll be able to properly do furry stuff, and you can expect a LOT more coming from me uwu

Get it? Because it's like "no thanks, no more"!

So since I'm Canadian, we have thanksgiving a month and change earlier than our neighbours to the south. If I remember correctly - to give more room before Christmas season.









Anyways you're free to click off now uwu extended and potentially upsetting lore is below







Mhmmmmmm





Anyways, this one was QUITE the doozy. Mother was, really showing her authoritative style... Like my expectations were low but *holy scheiße*. She was hella insistent on me coming out of my room (was feeling down and just, didn't want to until I felt ready, didn't tell her this and acted tired instead), which created some tension.
She has 100% acknowledged how I now withdraw from family stuff and especially her, and I imagine she was really trying to "keep us together", but "under her umbrella". She's questioned about my withdraw but I give nonsensical or simple answers because she simply isn't mature enough, and she pretty much objectifies me anyways, as I'll soon mention lol

Anyways, she was screaming my name, wanting me to be in the living room (even though my room is barely a walk away). And like, I felt like I had nothing to add, say, or do, and I didn't want to bug her and everyone else with me watching videos so I simply reclined back to my room after she demanded I eat some pre-Thanksgiving dinner food. I kept my door open so I could hear wnd talk with her if she genuinely needed me.
At some point she threatens to take my phone so I simply go sit on the stairs. I wouldn't let her obviously take my phone, but if I had a nickel everytime she has threatened me with this since moving for forceful authoritative controlling reasons and nothing else, I'd have 2 - which isn't a lot but concerningly a lot for someone who's an adult and 22 years of age who uses it for things beyond watching videos... And that's where I say she objectifies me - I'm nothing more than a resource, a toy to her, property she can manipulate and shape to her liking. She really doesn't like my gradual withdraw from her (which I do because of her BS)

Eventually Thanksgiving dinner is *actually* ready and she demands me to come over. It's less tense, she askes me what I want and so (I would've been more than willing to fill my own plate but aight), and I go to eat. When we finish and we start cleaning up, she literally verbatim goes: "we're playing games after we clean up, everybody must participate" - and it's like... Wtf?
Fortunately she went to "rest and digest" and didn't appear until several hours later which by then I fell asleep - so I feel like I avoided a bullet of insanity there, as much as I can avoid anyways...



This type of behaviour is exhausting me to absolute hell. This is why, if anyone has reached this part, to why I barely RP or anything, crap like this lmao. Escaping is too difficult as I am losing more and more privacy with my mother's shenanigans to keep me, I lack the resources or even direction to just go anywhere that's enough of a home, and taking any measures to actually escape or even set boundaries gets questioned and made in fun of by my mother... All while she tries to make my family turn against me through the mockery or blaming me for things that go wrong. Most of my family realizes, but some are impressionable or don't care and have flip-flopping opinions as a result.

Like one time I locked my door and she for an entire week passively aggressively and if people were around, loudly interrogated me about it, asking if I was doing illegal stuff or making "weird porn"... I just gave neutral or "uh yeah sure" types of answers to not let her get to me lmfao.

This is also also why I've been a lot more quiet on Discord and so, just, too tired n stressed to even think. At this very moment I am quite ready to put the coat on the rack, give up, and accept this is how it do be, and do a certain last thing of activity to self that's viewer discretion is advised.

Too exhausted to get a job to get money and community to escape, no IRL friends to quickly escape to (even if they too had the resources), and too anxious and exhausted to do stuff that could help with a potential escape plan (especially with mother's overreaching). "Woe is me" LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO

T'was a good run :3 had my fun and laughed and so






Anyways thanks for reading or skipping here for a TL;DR, I appreciate either.
TL;DR is that I am super exhausted by family and why I'm not talking or RPing as much lul

A question I feel may be on some folk's mind: "Why are you posting so frequently when you just said you weren't likely to be posting anymore?" https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10893849/

The answer is - I'm expected to do less things currently so I actually have some free time to go through all the old stuff I have :wheeze: . I still haven't VC'd since and I still rarely if ever RP.
Though this grace period probably won't last long - as I'll likely be swamped again when my siblings go to school 🙃

And in terms of art - I really REALLY wanted to push something out because I actually wanted to have more proper art of my self instead of all just spicy audio lmao. Don't have money to spend for more and my ability to draw being random, uncertain, and bound to whatever happens during the day :weary:

I tried doing a trace of my irl self for a funky profile picture and miserably failed lmfao - so it's random y'knowww - and can't improve much with stress oof

Ominous title for funky dramatics

But yeah, June 27th as was foreshadowed, is here https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10893849/ . Only a few hours til it all actually happens... Time for my allergies to go sicko mode too lol

If don't get much of an opportunity to check back and respond and create stuff here again, I do wanna say it was a fun and worthwhile experience uwu

3 days from now - June 27th, my family will be movin' somewhere else. As a closeted furry, I will have even less privacy - and subsequently even less resources and time to do the furry things I do (including NSFW ;p). Those weeks long delays? They're gon be months to years long or more now.
No more voice or singing stuff likely, unlikely I'll make art, and very unlikely I'll ever do any roleplay stuff again x3
Might still talk here and there, but it will be VERY minimal likely
Guess we'll see what happens eh

Alright, that's what's most important to read. Feel free to click off and continue on your way uwu







No really, not much else to read or waste yer time on x3














































Biohazard!!111!1!11!!! Turn backkkk lmao






How long? Probably indefinitely.

I've debated coming out as furry, but it wouldn't be that simple. Overtime, and it's especially a reason to why I'm furry, I've come to learn that, my family is indeed not normal, it's abusive very likely, quite exploitative, especially my mother - at least from what I've heard from others - been a long many years journey of discovery pfft. My father was physically abusive and got deported, so definitely not doing anything with him even if I wanted to lmao. To come out as a furry and have SOME breathing room, I'd likely have to monetize it so that it's ideal for my mother, advertise my fursona as a product. I'd likely have to hide my vore interests - don't think she was too supportive of anything pornographic and it'd be embarrassing to mention it. Hey on embarrassing, huskies are my mother's favourite dog breed... and being anthro-therian, y'know identifying with my fursona... Augh... If I do come out this way, I'll probably delete or edit this journal lol - might do that regardless anyways
That "exploitation" is why I'm so tired all the time, just so exhausted from it all. And I swear I'm just getting more and more chronically tired as it continues on... I could probably go into detail about that another time - if I do get that x3
I don't think I actually ever knew what it was like to be liked or even loved, I just thought it was odd whenever it happened, thinking like "dang, I didn't even try that hard or do that well lol" lmaooo. I mean it's still weird to me, I'm not used to someone actually liking me for me and not for what I can do or make 🤣

My family isn't right-wing or against LGBTQ, nor even against furries really, but their behaviours are... Yeah........

Another, more obvious solution is to just leave my family... But to where? I don't really have anywhere to go, especially with the financial and housing crisis' lmao. Don't have a passport so I'm stuck in Canada. Homelessness seems worse than ever and honestly I'm too much of a wuss for dealing with all that pfft. Don't have anyone I know irl that I could just go to - and I don't know many folk irl or have really any irl friends - maybe 1? not really connected with them anyways - we talk like every few months and they have no idea of me being furry anyways lmfao.
Never could really connect with anyone where I live anyways, it was all like cliques or just purely mean-spirited folk :weary:
And on top of that, no one familiar with or even interested in the things I was interested in X3

At this point, I've accepted this situation as it is, I didn't do enough to deal with it and that's on me. Letting my anxiety take the wheel and still letting it do so ;p






TL;DR folk, why you scroll down here! - basically I'll just be less furry and less active unless something happens to change it I gues ;p

So, I decided to do something *I THOUGHT* would be funny and cool, I decided to friend request people folk I thought would have funny names or would be relatable.

After doing it about 10 times, I get forced to do verification... Ok, cool... I do it another 10+ times, and now I'm forced to choose a phone number (great security Discord 👍 telling me that someone could just hack into my account, friend request a bunch of folk, and then steal my account...)

I *technically* have a phone number, but it's paid by my mother and this is NOT the way I want to "come out".

So yeah, either I admit to permanently being a furry with my (PERSONAL) phone number (and have to hide THAT now) and have a likelihood of losing my phone number, or lose my account of 5 years 🙃 thanks Discord :D

(Hey, you don't have to read or reply to this :D it's simply just, y'know, a casual vent, nothing that deep, pretty ignorable uwu)

(Really, you really don't have to :D - consider it a random nonsensical log of sorts y'know :D)





Do I Deserve To... have the success I've arguably had?

I mean, I kinda look back upon my life, and I usually question whether or not I should've died. I had many opportunities for it - I could've went through with something in late August of 2016 - belt around, could've done something around the end of Fun-Fear - could've just faltered to it, could've done something around late 2020 (stresses unrelated to the pandemic) when I was dealing with something world-breaking to me, and as of now - I could do something. Death is a scary concept, it's what usually prevented me from going over the edge - how scary it was, and also the "fear of missing out" - that was a good concept that kept me from doing it. But I'm not scared of either now.

I look back upon my life, and I question if I even should have had success - even subjective. Retrospectively, it seems that I should've always failed, for every success warrants 2 or more failures of equal nature and magnitude. Even 2018 me said it - that everytime I rose, I would fall just as hard or harder - and quicker. That didn't even end after Fun-Fear - after dealing with that personal mental insanity, it still happened from time to time, despite 2020 to 2022 (September 7th of 2020 was the absolute worst) being overall better years than 2019 and 2018 for me.

I fear having a lot of positive attention, I feel it's manipulative or exploitive of me to enjoy and indulge in such - especially a lot, and especially because my brain subconsciously loves it and wants it a lot like whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy :weary: . I guess I thrived on a lot of negative attention when I was younger (especially Fun-Fearian days lol), preferred it, and felt extremely awkward when someone said they genuinely liked me as a friend/person - or I never thought much of such compliment. Never felt that way with people hitting on me because I never understood that lmfao (asexuality less gooo)
It genuinely feels weird to be wanted, and not because I made something cool or something kinky, rather to be genuinely wanted as the person or individual I am. God, feels even weirder for anyone to spend money or lots of time on me, I know I've freaked the hell out before when people have had said former interests.

Sucks to be liked in that way too, because I don't want to make people feel bad, to feel lonely, to feel scared, to feel no escape - if I were to do a certain suicidal thing - makes it harder for me to do it. It's the last thing I'd ever want anyone to feel. I don't want someone to feel sad or bad for me - hell there's a reason why I make fun of my own traumas and laugh at 'em lol. My favourite series of trauma to talk about is usually anything to do with Fun-Fear, because it's so utterly and bat-poop insane. I usually use any inconveniences I have to either explain why I couldn't do this or that - or laugh at them.

I mean, I do want to nip myself in the bud - do something before there's any chance of me becoming popular (I fear popularity for its other reasons too :D). I don't want to do it later when more people want to care for me and my individual, I don't want to be appreciated and loved to that degree, by so many people - it feels so odd and undeserved. I mean I could do it easily by just, not talking anywhere, by not interacting so much, but I also like to talk a lottttt ugh... I don't want to talk negatively to anyone either, so social kamikaze is way out of the question lol.

I mean, I really don't think I deserve anything so nice and good as that y'know X3



TL;DR below muhaha
(HAH, you went to the bottom too! Well, guess what, you don't have to read this! It's just a boring nonsensical vent that has nothing to do with how you will function in the future sooo :D)

Y'know, I think I should outright say it, I'm scared of the possibility of being famous

Not because of the haters (they can be fun to talk with sometimes X3), or because a lot of people would take interest in me (would be kinda anxiety inducing maybe? idk owo), no...

Rather I'm scared of the other socially accepted "famous people" I'd possibly meet, I'm scared of being noticed by certain people. I still have remnant fears from the times of dealing with that said "Fun-Fear", "alter ego" of sorts, messed up plurality/OSDD (https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10548352/ - https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9241669/)
So I fear meeting almost every furry fellow that Fun-Fear idolized and interacted with, due to my experiences with this neurological entity localized within my brain :skull: . ESPECIALLY Leo the Wolf/Radar the AWD, like my anxiety would make me not exist anymore levels of anxiety and fear xwx
I interestingly didn't have much fear from Zuelansi blocking me that one time (https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10302280/), probably because it felt "liberating"? Idk, I still was a bit freaked out at the idea that Zuelansi acknowledged that I existed :skull:

And I've also talked with ilbv, like we exchanged some minimal messages, but ilbv was also someone that Fun-Fear idolized a bit and it also gives me some anxiety to consider that I actually talked to him, actually conversated with him. Whewf...

Of course, my brain never functions right and I comment on Radar's stuff from time to time because y'know, love to torture myself or something, AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Maybe what I'm experiencing is some form of primal fanboyism? I don't know, I both have an interest in talking with folk like them because well hey, Radar says he programs stuff - I love to program (when it isn't painful :weary:), Zuelansi does fursuiting stuff - I'd love to fursuit, and ilbv does drawing and vorny stuff - both things I like to do myself... And also a fear of talking with them because of those prior experiences I had with Fun-Fear, not to mention, hella feckin' awkward??? Yeah yeah how am I going to explain to someone that my brain was so mentally dysfunctional that it tortured itself with a whole alt personality that was essentially in love with how they vored others (Radar aka Leo, Zuelansi) or got vored (ilbv)?????? And how that "alt personality" was so aggressive with that interest, that it was willing to commit to violent things??? How do I explain that it neurologically tortured me with what it loved? What kind of nut case have I been bred into? Bloody nora... xwx

This is where I'd like to say, "I wanna feckin' die" because oh dear all mighty, how in the hell??????????? Man, me even being furry is quite the dang coincidence. Pfft probably should've made a new account but hey, furrifying this account the way that I want it has helped a lot, but seeing the old stuff with the new stuff does make me feel weird.