Well...I got 3 medicines from my doctor. Two antibiotics and one a pain medicine. Now why am I bring up about my medicine? And why is the title called...feel used. Well...yesterday after my appointment and I got my medicine dad is angry. For some reason. But as I found out from mom he is angry I got pain medicine. Which to me I understand why. He wants my medicine but he can't cause I need it. My mouth is that bad guys...when the dentist looked at ALL 4 of my wisdom teeth he said the gums are infected and the bacteria formed its own gum. And tonsil stone are created from it so I could get a nasty infection and worse...it can kill me if I didn't have antibiotics. So...yeah...but my dad...he don't care. He wants me to give him my PAIN meds. Wants me to suffer. He gets 180 pain pills and he eats them all in 4 DAYS!!! Now...he wants mine and mom said no to him cause she didn't know how much in pain I was and dad did know but...I owe him.:/

This bacteria could have killed me...and...he hates me and moms guts. He even admitted just now fighting with mom that he was snooping around mom's stuff finding her medicine and taking them. He even called her a drunk. Dad drinks a lot and takes to many pain pills but when he is all out he sniffs for ours if we got any. -Sighs- I knew he was an ass but...I didn't think he was that heartless of a man to ask for mine but I have to take them with me and shit. Because he will find my medicine and steal it. Doctor said I could be in an emergency room or worse but...he don't care. So right now...all this time my old man I look up to never really did love me. To be honest...I was his trophy of his seed. I done a lot of good things to impress him and it worked but as it turns out he was just using me. So he could feel good about himself. That's how I feel right now...he broke my heart guys....father to son....I was more like father to trophy. I...I have nothing else to say...I am sick...I just took my pain meds...its calming me down but it can't heal a broken heart nor...can it wash away my tears.

Thanks dad...thanks a lot...I loved you...and your 3 words you said to me...are just shit your slapping me with. You...can burn in hell. I don't care if you die....I don't care if you get killed by a mugger...I DON'T CARE! Because I am not...saving you this time.

I am helping mom find a very good damn lawyer and were kicking him out. Were taking everything he has...and well...we will see if rather or not it was worth screwing his family...even me. So right now...I am in bed...playing Red Dead Redemption. Blowing bad guys heads off wishing it was my heartless demon downstairs.

My little brother and he is 19 is yelling and cussing at a video game that he is playing.:/ He ALWAYS does that. I am getting pissed off right now cause I live next to him!:/ So I tell him to shut up because who wouldn't tell him to shut up. He is YELLING at a video game...a tv CAN'T hear you.=_= So he cusses me out and says he wants to kick my ass being cocky as always so pretty much I defended myself when he was getting ready to kick my ass. I told him off and said Jordan last year was different you attacked me from behind with my seat belt on. THAT'S HOW HE BEAT ME GUYS! Like all pricks or pussies would do attack from behind and he broke my nose. And dad thanks for your help you really know what the fuck is going on do you! NOPE! You don't instead of you telling Jordan off you tell me off and tell me to shut up and yell at me. FOR NO REASON!

I am done with this fucking house. Yeah I got broken nose from my little brother who is an asshole, I went through hell with my parents, I WENT THROUGH HELL IN OTHER WORDS! So...if they read this and cuss me out some more you making yourself more of an ass of yourselves.:/ I been treated like a fucking retard and a punching bag in this house if I don't fucking get out of here I am gonna lose my mind.

After seeing so many comments from my friends and fellow watchers I decided not to change my sona. For this is who I am. My friends love my character that much they begin to love me as well. I want to say thank you to them. Thanks guys for not giving up on me and talking me through this. I went through some difficult times and half of you know that and my new friends haven't. But to everyone...thank you. I won't change my sona....Jake will stay as a Star Dragon. I am gonna go play The Lego Movie Video game on Xbox. Looking forward to playing it.XD Just to calm me down a bit more since last night I cried my eyes out. Sorry you all read my last journal and also I ain't joining no stupid raffles anymore. I rather try and find free requests. One is cause I have no money and most of it is to support my mom in case dad leaves again. So...you know whenever I find one I hope to do more pics with all my friends characters again.^^ Even new ones.c:

Yes I am changing my sona now.:/ Clearly whenever I am part of a raffle its obvious hardly anyone cannot draw my sona.:/ Plus some are bullshit to be honest I won't give out any names but they didn't use raffle numbers they choose how they feel is perfect. And you know what...that fucking hurts a lot. I am sorry for getting angry but I might as well call this a raffle as well. Just say my sona is hard to draw or just say my sona sucks or something! Because obviously every time I get in one some of those raffles they had to choose who is BETTER.

You know my sona is ME. IRL I was bullied, picked on, my ex cheats on me, and going through shit at home that all this building up has given me a dark deep depression. In here I actually wished I was a somebody that my sona would feel the love and support I wanted. But no...just today it happened again. My sona is the only anthro dragon in the raffle and I hoped I win it. But now...he/she didn't pick mine.

So I am done...it really hurts to actually want to change my sona...but obviously I have no choice. IRL I am not good enough at things...not even my sona isn't good enough neither. I hate getting my hopes up on something that will NEVER happen. So...I am done with my sona so you thank the assholes who chooses which sona is better. Mine obviously is the worst or that they can't draw him. I watched so many of you FA user because I loved so much of your work. Your art is amazing and I hoped and wished that one day my sona would feel special enough. But its not gonna happen.

Sorry for ranting as well...but it actually hurts when you don't feel good enough or perfect enough. IRL I went through all that. Now in here...-Shakes head.- I am still going through that still.

But it won't make a difference anymore hardly any of you read my journals. One time I had thoughts of suicide because I have had enough of ME. Reason I say that is because I was mistreated everywhere I go...cause of my disability. I sometime wish something bad happened to me so I don't feel anymore pain I am going through...no one won't miss me thats for sure. My parents fight a lot that they will just blame each other instead of themselves! No one understands what I go through IRL which is why I only wish for online friends. But you know...its good I have that...because of my disability...NO ONE would want to be my friend anymore.

So thanks a lot on your raffles! THANKS FOR MAKING ME FEEL LIKE A FUCKING LOSER MORE!!!

The trailer is here guys! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lnn2rJpjar4

Its happening guys! We been waiting 5 fucking years and its here!8D http://www.theverge.com/2015/6/2/87.....allout-4-tease

Bethesda the company that makes these games have sent out a tweet about there reveal of Fallout 4 tomorrow! For EST it says 10am! So I will see it then! As for the other times the video explains it for other times!c: But guys its coming! They even found it it ain't fake so thank goodness since a few thousand people on the internet would pretend and act like dicks.:/ Been seeing all that but this time this is for real!:la: So they said they will show a demo 30min long video of the game! I am looking forward to it tomorrow.c:

Well I was part of this Raffle again and I hoped that my character wins. I hoped and instead never wins. But whats funny is most of the raffles is bullshit.:/ There winners were there friends!:/ You fucking kidding me? Whats the point of doing a raffle...I been doing like hundreds of raffles and no body seems to like my character that much. You know that character is a part of ME! Basically is like saying to me in person I ain't good enough! I went through that shit in real life situations. Now my sona ain't getting any credit neither! I did what everyone said on the raffle and yet I am still in the dumps.:/

So yeah I am done with raffles because its just a waste.=__= I know everyone is going through that as well but don't that mean your character in there eyes is shitty.:/

Its how I am feeling right now. I just don't understand what is wrong with me. What I meant by what is wrong with me...is because I don't have anyone to hang out with or date with. I have been trying hard to making friends in college...all I get was ignore and a laugh in my face. I just didn't say a word to anyone in class. I just focus on work and nothing more. I often wonder if anyone other then online friends I have here could be friends with me close by? Plus I tried talking to some girls and well that didn't go well...most were taken and some were ass holes. I don't mean to say it like that to women...but when a guy gives you his number but you don't give yours away and then the guy has to wait for you to call you just ignored him completely having his hopes up. I almost did...I actually thought I was getting a date but I didn't...she didn't call me or anything. I am pissed about that but most of all hurt. So I just took a deep breath and said plenty of fish out in the sea...just gotta catch the right one. Well...I am hanging up the fishing rod...cause I am done. Plus I am done trying to make friends in college because all I was to them was there way of getting help on assignments. Fucked up...right. I am glad summer is here but at the same time I hate it...I got no one to hang out with...so...all I got is...being in my room miserable...I am done looking for happiness because everywhere I turn to find one...I get a punch straight in the heart...I'm done...I never quit on anything...but I quit trying to find what I want in life.

So my life is alone, working, and die alone. Thats how I feel right now...nothing ever goes right for me...

Least I got you guys...its all I need I guess.

Today was my last day of the semester in college and I passed 2 out of 3 classes. This one class that is my final exam...I passed the exam but I still failed the class. So it hit me pretty hard. I never failed a class my whole life guys. NEVER. I was always good at making good grades and I work hard at it....but....that class shot me through the chest. I worked hard and studied hard for nothing. My parents are still proud of me cause I tried my hardest. They weren't mad that I failed this class and I shouldn't let this hurt me mentally and physically. They said just get up brush the dirt off and try it again and work more harder. Least I got parents that still care for me and always know I am a good kid at school and everywhere. But...I am angry at myself...I did so well...I fucked up. I feel like a failure. I can't do anything right now so far...I just um...*looks down*

I need to um take a break for the night off here I just...need a moment...*cries a bit* It really hurts...that you accomplish something for so long...you failed for the first time. I just....feel like a turd right now.;_;

Yes its true! I made me a second life account thanks to a couple of new friends!<3 Thanks you guys if your reading this! Plus I also want to give you guys my account name so we can meet and chat and...well...there other stuff as well.X3 Right now I am a Crux just to start off but I will be an anthro dragon like my character here on FA.c: They are helping me out right now with it so in the meantime I am just a cute crux.XD So send me a note if you have an Account and I will send it to you on notes.:3

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Pissed off right now...

by StarPony22, Moments ago
Journals / Personal

I HATE IT WHEN TEACHERS DO THAT TO ME!!! I got wanted to knock that fuckers teeth right off the wall! Reason I am pissed is because my teacher asked me about my assignment I turned in. Its about Visual Basic 2012 right. Well we did one about a dice simulation and I did it! I did well on it till....he went ahead and started asking me questions like why do I have some of the coding from CH.7 or 8. And I looked at him like what do you mean? He said like I don't understand how you did this? And I was like whats there not to understand I finished the assignment whats the problem?

Well he gave me an F for this assignment because he believed that I was cheating on it! He asked me where did I get this code. I said from the fucking book and maybe youtube like you fucking told us! He started laughing at me thinking I am bull shitting. And embarassed me in front of the class. Guys I have this disability where I do things in my mind rather then explaining it in my mouth. Cause trust me when a teacher asked me how did I guess it I just like I don't know...I just write or use my brain. I can't the right words to explain how but I did it. Well he thinks I cheated and copyed this assignment from someone else that he went ahead and told me to redo it. And I looked at him like....fuck I told him off and said you can go ahead and tell me to do that and go ahead and DIG in my head for me to say I cheated but I didn't. Thats my work! I did that assignment on my own!

If he fucking talks to me this Tuesday when I walk right in about it. I will embarrass him in class. I am NOT doing this shit anymore! He can go fuck himself and die! I swear to shit...if he picks on me again!... GOD DAMMIT!!! You have no idea how pissed I am...he made my mother sit 10 minutes in the truck with her broken neck!

My mom saw how angry I was and didn't see me get my drink of coke that I usually get when I get out of school. She knew I was angry and upset and I told her all this. God man...I felt like retard in there...and thats what I felt like. I cried in that truck man...it just! FUCK!!! My mom thinks she wants to tell him off but I said no its no point the semester is 2 weeks from over and I will be moving. I will give him my last words till we leave so in the mean time I will hold in all my anger till then.

You know...I have tried being a good son and older brother but every time I do that....my folks tell me go to my room. Like I am some kind of animal. They do that. Plus my dad picks on me saying that my room is a fucking cave. Well dad...its not....its a cage that you tell to go. *cries and sniffles* Today was my brothers 19th birthday and...he acts like he doesn't want a birthday. Like he don't care about it. I said to him Jordan your being depressed. Well...guess what he said. He said..."Depressed people are the weak." Pretty much for what he said that...I am weak. And he is right...he started a fight on his birthday with me and mom and we tried to calm him down and...he was just an asshole. Mom however sits there and does nothing and tell her she shouldn't take this anymore and that she should stand up. But she never does. She just lets my little brothers act like assholes in the house. Pretty much...she is there bitch. It hurts to say it but...its true and she knows it but...she doesn't want to do anything. Dad yells at me for no reason. Doesn't want the neighbors to hear he says...well dad your yelling. You always pick on me about how I whisper you can't whisper for shit neither.

I lied about this guys...my little brother the 19 who just turned. Remember that day when I broke my nose last summer. I lied about breaking it on the wooden floors...my little brother punched me in the nose in the car. My mom starts a fight with me and Jordan dragged me to the back of the seat with the twins and they were...beating me up...and I couldn't fight back. Then he punched me and broke my nose. The truck was full of blood spilled...everywhere.

That yeah 2014...ruined my life. My dad left and I thought it was over again. And I thought I might have ti ask Amy to move on...and she did it...but this time my folks are back together. My parents and everyone...ruined EVERYTHING!!! I sacrificed everything! I did!

I am so fucking weak and alone guys...I have no one to live with or move to. I HATE THEM ALL!!! I HATE THEM!!! But no one cares...I have no family...NO REAL FAMILY...who knows how to love each other and get along. I don't know any of that...

Least there is...some good thing I guess...I rather live and die alone...because I never knew how my parents learn to love each other...or have brothers get along. So if one day I have wife and kids...would that be me one day...

I'm sorry for talking like this but...it hurts so much!:c The feels everything...I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING HERE!!! NOTHING!!! Nothing...



*cries on my bed shaking*

My folks got us an early Easter gift! Were all going to Carowinds!8D Were going to be having so much fun for a couple days on the roller coasters and stuff! Boy they got some freak coasters there!o_o; But I can handle it! Plus its my first time going to that park!X3 We will be leaving this Saturday morning and driving 3 or 4 hours down the road! Which isn't so bad.*shrugs* Worth the trip though!c: But I will still be online.c: I am bring my PC with me at all times of course.c: I don't want to be missing out on what you guys are doing. But it will have to be at night though sadly. Were going to be having to much fun at the park and stuff.c:

So yeah see you for now!

Oh and Happy Easter! Hope you all got goodies in your basket. Hopefully we will as well!:3

Mmmm chocolate bunnies.X3 I can taste them now.@_____________________________@;

Hey guys its been a couple months since I wrote this. I hope everyone is doing alright and stuff. I just wanted tell you guys something and its really...REALLY hard to hold it all in. I been holding this secret for a few months now. And I also want to tell Amy but...I was scared to tell her or anyone. Guys um you all know me and Amy broke up and it was a painful day. Well...lets just say it triggered something and before I go into details I went to a doctor and a counselor and they both said the same thing. Its really hard for me to type when I am in tears and shaking at the same time. Guys I'm scared. I really am. I got no one to cope with I can't sleep well...this depression had gotten worse. I told Amy my problems with the stress and to others but...their was one thing I kept from everyone and dad believes I got it. Dad and the doctors and my counselor all believe I have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) Soon as I heard them say that I was...shocked. You see they said it will take a very long time for me to heal. Guys I have been getting nightmares...bad ones...so bad that it will haunt for the rest of your life. I been seeing in my dreams of my dad trying to kill himself but....I saw them again. The three shadow figures that tried to take my father and those red eyes...they were speaking to me this time saying they want soul cause I took my dads away from them. And when I am at school I see them all over the place. At school...at home and at night I feel them watching me in my sleep. Then in my dreams I was bullied as a kid and remember the rock that gave me a scar on my finger when they threw rocks at me. Then this one was the worst of all dreams...I dreamed that day...I failed Amy. I kept hearing voices in my head saying its my fault over and over again.

The doctor asked how long it has been going on and it has been a year. This was after me and Amy broke up. He understood what was wrong and whats triggering all this. Its bring back bad memories that shattered my heart. He said I was able to hold the big pain was because of Amy and he was right. Amy made me happy these past three years. But after the break up it was have triggered my emotions. One time I passed out on my bed after crying so much about 2 weeks ago and my parents were trying to calm me down. I couldn't remember what happened after that. But they said I was screaming I am a failure over and over again. Finally I was calm and sleeping or passed out. The doctor said for what I what I am going through I have been getting this PTSD by emotions. I most times will be sad and depressed. He said it takes a long while to heal cause its an emotional pain that...can't heal but over time it will but...its been a year guys and its gotten worse. It has and I...been away from here because I am scared to talk about this to everyone. I'm not sure if I am the same guys.

I don't know what to do anymore guys medication and talking to my doctor about this ain't working and its getting more worse as I am having hallucinations, stress, deep depression. Guys I am can't stop crying and I am 23 and I am a man and I should get overt his stuff but...god damn it! I can't get over all this pain! It won't go away and its getting more worse on me! My god! I need you guys to please talk to me cause I can't do it by myself anymore! I am scared because this fucking depression is having me think suicide and no I didn't do it but thinking it is scaring me! Right now...I need you guys to just talk to me...I was afraid to tell you all.

Happy Valentines day guys!

Yes today well almost today is my 23rd birthday!<3 YAY!

If anyone has Dark Souls 1 for Xbox 360 please can you help me with this level. I am stuck in Anor Londo. I don't care about the main quest I really wanted to play with the dlc I got for my birthday. If anyone is passed Anor Londo please help meh!>.<

Thank you all! Love everyone here!

Guys its been yesterday and I am really getting nervous right now. My dog Butch isn't feeling very well at all. Yesterday he started throwing up and drooling so we all knew he had some type of bug. But he hardly walked outside and inside. He just moves and inch and sits and lays down. And right now he isn't throwing up but he is really restless and still laying around. Our dog is really old now at about 11. I don't want to think what will happen but seeing him like this really scares me and we don't know any Veterinary doctor around here and plus we don't have money on us.

All I can do is hope and pray he gets better.

I wanted to tell you guys this because well...I don't know but pray and asking for ya'll to pray for him.

Okay I got this game for Christmas and my god this game is fucking scary.O_O Me and my bro both got 2 of the best scary games of 2014. He has The Evil Within. I have been hearing him screaming and shit trying to get his character to do something before the monsters try and get him.XD But man for me...I had the chills playing Alien. That game is fucking awesome! I am in the level to where there are more Aliens....the Nest. Golly it was scary I had to take a break.>_<;

So tell me. If anyone has played these two games and has experience getting scared shitless. Please comment and tell me. Cause these games...rock!

Guys I have to tell you all this right away! I mean fuck yes! This is my fucking year baby!

I just got a letter from the school. My community college said that my GPA is 3.250 and cause of that GPA score. I got into being in a Vice Principles List. I mean holy shit guys! Vice Principles list! From the community college! It said in the letter they hoped to see me make it on Principles list! I got this letter today saying it! And to add I even get a letter from the University college! WTF!!! Man oh man this made my day. Start of a new year and...DAMN!!! This is awesome!!!

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you all have a great Christmas!

Also let me know what you guys got for Christmas! I will share mine later tonight. I am hooked into these games!>.<;

I am real hurt guys. I am on this site called FIMFiction and I posted my stories their and got some good views on a few people but out know where this guy attacks my story and talks shit to his friends and puts me down. SO I asked the admins to deactivate my account and I am waiting. For 2 days I signed in and I was put down. Guys was called every name in the book. It hurt really. I am even crying right now talking about this and wanted to do something fun but it gets ruin.

For those wondering what the story is all about I will explain. I already have two chapters up but no comments. So I am curious if I should do more or not.:/ But if you want the background I will explain. Jacob a young boy who has some trouble time in the reality world which we are living. His parents fighting and everything and Jake has had enough so he ran away but on his way he finds a library in a middle of a forest wondering and curious he checks and meets a strange librarian by the name Star Swirl the Bearded. You all know who that is. Anyway after the talk the librarian tells him to go to a strange room with a mirror inside as he touches it he gets transported into Equestria a world of ponies and mythical creatures. Then finding out secrets who he really is he find outs his true purpous as the 7th elemental harmony he is born with. After finding out what it is he transforms into a knight. The friendship knight is a humanoid pony with armor and stuff something like from Halo. But not only Jake can have this power but the girls twilight and the others get to be friendship knights and together they will stop the evil who threatens the magic of friendship.

If you all want to read part 1 and 2 please check them out and comment.^^ I am working on Part 3 still and I might have to get that done in about a week. So enjoy!

Want to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving! Also to say I am thankful to have good friends who still care for me even when things are well bad. I'm sorry for not being on here more often but with college its killing me. Love you guys!

Happy Thanksgiving!

PS I am going to get started on working part 3 of MLP: Friendship Knights!

The story is up if anyone wants to read it? All I got was 4 views so far but no comments. I hope everyone likes it.

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/14861364/

Sorry for being so quiet college with midterms and a project thats due in a week is killers.@__@; Right now I am working with college so I will be very quiet for a while till the semester ends. I will check on weekends to see how everyone is doing. I miss so many of you guys and I am sorry for being a sucky friend. But college is important for me and I worked really hard to not screw up. But so far I am making B's in all the classes so...YAY!

In the meantime I wanted to ask you all something. I am planning to write a story and its a fanfiction story. I am a huge fan of my little pony. Since my ex got me into watching it I gave it a shot and loved it. But I'm not like those guys who buys all the toys and stuff...thats just to creepy, I just enjoy watching it. Anyway the reason I brought up that is I am doing a fanfiction story involving MLP. I already got two chapters done and posted them on DA but I am getting views but no one seems to want to say anything. So I want to bring the stories here. And maybe someday if its good I would like to one day find someone to help make a comic of this. This is just something to get my mind off of stress and for two weeks it had helped and I already finished the second chapter of the story.

So, would you all like to read them. If so please tell me I be happy to quickly put them here and have you guys enjoy it. Its the least I can do since I have been quiet.