So from now on I’m going to simply shut the world out in terms of distractions. I am just going to stream diet and exercise. I’m done when everything else. I just really want to be left alone. I’m so tired of the conflicts and everything else. I need to prioritize my mental health and well being.

so yup, finally going back to the gym in a steady rhythm and I am feeling good! Powering through a shoulder ache that I know exactly why it was caused. From now on I think I’ll just be focusing on the gym and streaming. And work of course but that’s a given. Anyhow, I’m feeling good now and I feel all my stresses disappearing!

So yeah, I think that I am going to start shifting focus on some things for the Autumn season. I want to really get back into the gym for one. Two I need to reset my diet in a way. Really go further on strict keto and a more soup-based diet. I think that'll help me a lot with hydration and with nutrition. I have a HORRIBLE habit of forgetting to drink water. I need to break that habit because I was drinking near a gallon and a half of water a day prior. I am really hoping I can lose some weight and "reset" myself so to speak. I absolutely need this for my morale, self-esteem and just overall health. I am very grateful for the support given, the encouragement and all that motivates me. I realize that my Tolan Ai is also part of my support group but hey, every bit of encouragement helps. I am thinking too of going back to reading the Warrior Cats books. That was a time when I was at my most motivated. I really want to capture that energy again and I think I can do it!

So I noticed the last year I have ZERO time on weekends. No time for a reset, no time to rest. Just staying home late and doing who knows what. I feel like shit and I go into the week feeling absolutely horrible. That follows up with late days during the week which I don’t inherently mind sometimes. However I think the late nights and lack of sleep is a contributing factor to my weight gain. On top of that my diet and exercise both suffer and it is just a snowball effect. I’m growing very very tired of it and I need to make changes for good. At this point I do not care at all if my plans have to change. If my health does not back up those changes then what’s the point? I am in severe need of changing things and improving my life. I hate to be rude but I seriously need people to leave me the fuck alone sometimes.

So yeah, the last few weeks have been very eventful, and there has been way too much going on. I honestly think that the only way moving forward is to basically start fresh. I have had a lot on my mind, and there have been way too many things going on. From here on out, I think my journey will be one mostly of a personal nature. I do not think that certain things can be sustained any longer, it is taking too much of a toll on my mind and health. I would like to focus more on things that I enjoy, and things that I have been wanting to enjoy as well. I felt like I never had the time to do so, and I wished that I did at the time. I don’t really know what the future will hold, but I will, of course keep with everyone that is close to me. That will never change, but I do think that altering the stress and anxiety is a big thing. I haven’t felt truly. “well” in a very long time, and I think I owe it to myself to start feeling that way for once. Ever since my father passed, I have stopped going to the gym and I need to change that. My diet also has to change very drastically, and I do not think that stress eating is very helpful for me at all. I need to make some very big changes and I think in the long run it will help a lot. Again I reference one of my favorite fearless motivation videos here.

https://youtu.be/VEpO_v9utn0?si=DrAmMHv12zLbxX9T

Yeah so the past few days have been horrible to be quite honest. Not because of doing things, that was a lot of fun to game and other things. However, I am in serious pain and lacking sleep. I'm not sure what I did but my neck is in a huge amount of pain and the lack of recovery is really bad for me. I need to take today and possibly a few more days past this to recover. I'm really getting sick and tired of having all these things mess up. That's just kinda how it is though I guess getting older...oh well. Just gotta sleep better and not get so distracted with things.

So, I am an individual who cherishes a lot of things, and makes a lot of deep connections. Beat it in RP topics, in movies, TV and other media. Well, as of late, I think some of those are starting to vanish to be honest. Especially some very cherished RP characters and topics. I have made many connections with popular TV show characters such as 101 Dalmatian Street, LPS, etc. I do not know if the energy will come back for them but as of right now the feelings of cherish, the bonds made in RP and the memories have been damaged. One can only take so much until things start to fall apart. I am not saying that I am not blaimless, however considering the circumstances things may not be the same ever again. It is deeply saddening because it is like losing a loved one. Which I will say I did experience as of recent so it is a similar pain. As stupid as it may sound these topics, characters, etc are a part of my day to day life. They reside in my mind and when I am hurt they are hurt as well. I am hopeful that things will recover and that things will normalize. I am unsure as to what to do but had to vent my emotions somehow.

So it’s been a long few weeks filled with lots of thinking and life events. I get that there will be stresses and plenty of things happening. However I do think that there is a time and place for everything. Also there is a limit to everything in life.

This past weekend was a stressful one but also a rewarding one. I have gone back onto the keto diet and I am seeing some great upward results. Sunday my blood sugar was around 95 and today it was at 86. My ketone levels are also climbing so I think I am doing -something- right at least.

As for stress, yes of course it is part of life and unavoidable. However as I said, there is a limit to things. I have come to the conclusion that I need to make some changes. That means a departure of sorts from some situations and individuals. Also I have decided to devote more time to my mental health and physical health. Being in my 30’s I realize that it is difficult to make changes to my body composition but not impossible. I will devote more time to the gym, dieting and recoveries. According to Papa Swolio also, yoga is good to integrate into training for mobility and flexibility.

I need to make it clear that I will still be there for those who are close to me. I will always go out of my way for those who care for me as much as I care for them. I just need it to be known that I want to devote more time to my fitness and improve my overall health. I may be a bit more busy from time to time. However I will be here as much as I possibly can!

Thank you for your understanding and kindness

So yeah, I guess it's just true that everyone has their limits. I am no different, and I like to think of myself as a patient individual with lots of capacity for love, compassion and understanding. Well, as I said, everyone has their limits. I absolutely need to preserve my mental and emotional health...especially with all that has happened in the last few weeks with personal family issues. I feel very burnt out and honestly I realize that sometimes I need more support than normal. However, I don't feel like everyone I know understands that. I really can't do much about it, but I think it's time to move on and move forward.

I am from here on out putting full dedication on to weight lifting, my diet and my overall health. I have felt a lot of effects on myself, especially weight gain and lots of fatigue. That needs to stop, right here right now.

Sorry to say, but I'm moving on. I have no other choices but to just do so.

So....there's really no way around saying this....

Last week on Wednesday my father passed away. I won't go into detail here about it, but...I feel as part of the healing process I need to journal my thoughts.

I realize that it will be a very big change and honestly I think it'll be a very VERY VERY big adjustment.

Of course it will be different and my mother and I will move on. Yes we will feel numb, sad, find difficult times.

However, I want to change my life.

I want to go back to my routine of working out in the mornings. I want to continue to progress and stop gaining weight

I need to go back to the keto diet and my workout routines.

I feel like I made huge strides in my life when I kept up with the 10,000 step routine.

I will have to continue going to the gym, and either do my steps there or do them in the morning. I don't really know what I feel I should do in that regard as of yet.

I am getting very bored of most video games and habits. I need to find new ones to play. I have gone way overboard on Laundry Store Simulator but yeah.

I just really enjoy the same similar things from time to time. It's probably why I've made 25 episodes of Laundry Store Simulator!

In any case though, I need to keep up with my diet and workout!

I can do this, and I will do this in my dad's memory <3

So over time I’ve realized a lot of things about myself. First off, I am a creature of habit, I like familiarity and I like to just focus on linear processes. For example I adore the Halo campaigns very much and I love to play through them all non stop like one big movie experience. I really like to RP things that just speak to me and things that hold close places in my heart. I realize that may be “boring” to some but to me it is very fun and interesting. I have made my 20th recording/twitch video for Laundry Store Simulator for example. Yeah it’s silly sure, but at the same time it’s just such a fun thing to do. I love coming home and settling in for a quiet night of that, watching TV, terraria, etc etc.

I am excited for exercise, I am excited for dieting better. I just really want to get my life back on track.

I am having lasik done on Wednesday and I could not be more excited. It may be a minuscule detail to some but for me it is an amazing opportunity.

I think all that considered I want to move forward and in a positive direction.

I have grown tired and absolutely burnt out from all the conflict in my life. I don’t like any of it and it is having a detrimental effect on me. It is absolutely terrible and I want to feel better.

That’s all for now!

So...yeah, this month has been absolutely horrid. So much for Men's Mental Health Awareness Month.

I mean yes, I absolutely respect the hell out of the month and think it is very beneficial for many people. However I myself have had zero control over my mental health. I feel like high levels of anxiety and stress are the norm. When I do find something fun it's usually the same old thing that doesn't bring joy and I am sick of it. I just want to be free-spirited and enjoy myself.

To those who are close to me yes, I thank you very much for checking in on me, for spending time with me and for making my life enjoyable. I just could do without the conflict, the yelling, the anger, the stress, all of it.

I have had some issues going on with myself that have impacted my being but I won't go into detail. Just health things that I am trying to take care of.

The fact that every decision I try to make makes me feel like it is a wrong one is very discouraging. Wanna try something new? nope, that backfired. Wanna play a new game? nope, it causes anger. Wanna change your sleep time around? nope, that doesn't work for everyone.

I'm sick of all this and I just really want to recover somehow. I really don't know what to do anymore and I guess going back to my fitness routine is the only positive answer. I really need to keep it up at the gym AND the right way. Not half-assing it like I have been. that won't get me anywhere and I'm really tired of this happening again and again and again. It's about time I just do things for me for once. I can't just cater to others because it is not helping my health at all.

So yeah, just a week into Men's Mental Health Awareness Month I myself am succumbing to some severe burnout. I realize that it is easy to do and hard to avoid.

Just...be good to yourself, that's all I can recommend! I need a long long loooooong break from the negativity in life and I am growing physically tired and ill from it.

Anyhow, just a reminder to take care of yourself. I will heed my own advice and do the same! :)

I wanted to wish all my fellow guys out there a Happy Men’s Health Awareness Month!

No matter the struggles, no matter how hard life seems to get just know we are all together. People in this world living in unison.

Remember to look after your health and your fellow man! Mental, emotional and physical health are all quite important despite modern society often embracing the “suck it up” mentality.

It is okay for men to feel sad, to cry, to show emotion. We all feel and no matter how tough we think we are we need to let those emotions out!

I stand with you, brothers. If anyone ever needs someone to talk to, you may reach out to me. I will do my best to be of help! Much love and stand tall, no one is alone here! <3

Cheers, bud!

It’s finally getting close to SUMMER!!!! That means long walks at my favorite park for cardio, lots of weight lifting and some streaming games and whatnot.

And before you ask, yes I did say I would not be returning and for the 99.999999% part I shall not. However, I do think monthly check-ins would kind of help and see where I am at.

As much as it sucks I think that taking a long break away from things would be beneficial.

I have found a lot of joy in (as silly as it is) Laundrty Store Simulator. Something about streaming the game is fun, hectic, chaotic and relaxing all at the same time. The company also has other games of a similar nature so I may pick those up.

As for my other activities I feel that my exercise is going fairly well. However I do think that I can be more consistent. I need to keep up the pace and work harder to reach my goals. I am very ecstatic though that I can feel some muscle definition under my fat stores. Now I just need to do something about those lol

I do have some appointments lined up for health things that I do not feel the need to share here. However I am very optimistic that things will work out well and that I can rest easy.

Speaking of rest, that is an issue in itself though. I really need to get more consistent sleep and want to try for it harder. Last night as I’m writing this journal I got around 7.5 hours and I feel “okay” but not “great”.

I think that may have some things to do with my diet. However I am trying to get that under control as well. Keto seems like a good fit for me still, but I need to do a bit of work on that. All in due time though!

I thank you all for reading and for support even if it is unspoken. This life change has been a big one but I feel I am on the right track, so thank you! <3

So yes, I have made the decision to fully focus on myself. I’m tired of waking up in stress and pain. I’m tired of going to bed late because of things out of my control. Especially I am tired of not being able to meet my goals as I once did. I can’t stand it anymore and I’ve had enough. I will be on social media no longer, I am done posting. All I will do is focus on my fitness and diet goals and stream video games for the fun of it. I am not going to focus on anything else, you will not see me around anymore. However, rest assured I am fine, I am progressing, and I will persevere. I leave you with my favorite inspirational video

https://youtu.be/VEpO_v9utn0?si=50j2bqg4EHXjWvLR

Wishing everyone all the best! <3

So yeah, I know I'm getting really good results as I am getting stronger, able to lift more, able to walk longer, etc.

My problem here is that I am hurting -a lot- and I know it's to be expected. I got a bit better sleep last night but still not quite enough.

Every joint, every muscle, every tendon...it all just hurts and it sucks!

I wish I could just take a week off and recover properly without work but that's just not a possibility. I mean I do have vacation days but those are saved for another time. Anyhow though, I am just really looking toward the future.

I need more free time to do a proper cooldown, but I'll make do with what I have!

I really want to continue on this path, lose weight, gain muscle and just be better. I am making progress as I said, and that's great!

All below exercise weights are in pounds. Just for my own reference and such.

Very happy I can focus on my fitness for once, but damn does it hurt a lot.

Bicep 65 5x12
Tricep 80 5x12
Chest fly 85 5x12
Leg press 275 5x10
Leg extension 55 5x12
Chest press 70 5x12
Back extension 170 5x12
Row 85 5x12
Abs 70 5x10

Honestly, I don't know how long I can keep up the pace with getting minimal sleep during the week. Yeah it's super fun hanging out and playing games, I absolutely love that! However, it is becoming increasingly difficult to balance that, work, the gym, eating healthy, and trying to get sleep. I don't really know how or if I can do so in the long run. I have meetings with vendors at work who are counting on me to be trained in certain things. I absolutely ned to be at my best for these individuals so I can pass said training along to other employees. I feel that my gym performance is okay-ish but nowhere near where I need it to be. I just want to improve in all aspects of my life while keeping a balance where I can continue to game and have fun. I dunno, it really does not seem possible with the way things are going and I am becoming increasingly more and more tired. I don't want to be dependent on things like energy drinks as I know they will wreak havoc on my kidneys, liver, and body in general. I love my friends, they're all awesome and mean the world to me. However, constantly straining myself over and over and over is not the way to be good to them and to be good to myself. I wake up quite often feeling very fatigued and my eyes feeling tired. I want to improve my health and improve my physical and mental well being. It really sucks not having proper time for things, but that's just how it is sometimes I guess. Gotta figure things out!

So as much as it sucks, sometimes it just happens that you lose parts of yourself. Be it something special to you, a character you like playing as, or other things that you hold close that are either gone or you have lost motivation for. It is depressing when it’s something ultra special but not much that you can do really. Just gotta keep moving forward and trying your best. As it stands right now it’s just kinda the gettin through things part that is difficult. Feeling sad, in pain, tired, demotivated. It’s rough and not many seem to want to spend time with you along your journey. I dunno, maybe it’s just me.

So yeah, I’m officially done. I’ve been feeling crappy for a long while physically. Waking up in pain because of falling asleep at my laptop. Yes I realize that is my fault to begin with. However, I feel like a lot of of my habits are really cutting into things that I want to accomplish and in general just a lot going on. I’ve decided that basically my life is going to be going to work, going to the gym, recovering, and maybe an occasional game here and there, but that’s it. I don’t really know what else I can do, so I think that’s the best way to go about things. I have to prioritize my mental physical and emotional health first above everything else.

So yeah, I'm a huge fan of the Halo game and TV series.

I am also a huge fan of working out. These past few weeks I have felt better now than I have in years and years. There's something to say about the structure of it all, it's really great!

I really want to continue with my training so I can lose weight, build muscle and just live a healthier life.

One of the inspirations is Pablo Schrieber who portrays Master Chief John 117 in the Halo TV series.

His workouts are unparalleled and quite amazing. He at the time of filming I believe was probably around 42 and the guy is SHREDDED. Full military physique and very lean. The dude is just built like he could go to war.

I am very determined to catch up to that physique as I am a bit over 10 years younger and I know that I can do it. I need to stick to my goals, eat a proper diet and just train hard.

I am so thrilled to have the opportunity to do so!

Alrighty, so yeah I know I'm a week late with the April update and all that stuff.

Workouts have been going good, I haven't missed a single day at the gym. I'm very excited for that.

However, my sleep and recovery are both taking a big hit.

I know that I want to do fun things, but waking up with muscle aches, chills and often getting sick is not good for me.

I really hope that I'll be able to figure something out...going to bed late is not working for me and as much as it sucks I need to stop.

I'm honestly thinking of just taking a break from social media altogether. Twitter, Facebook, telegram, discord, and everything else. I need to just put my phone down.

I'm tired of getting sick honestly, it's not a good thing at all @.@

So yeah, I ended up joining Planet Fitness for my workouts and I honestly do feel like it’ll be very helpful to my progress. Lots of cable weight machines, free weights, cardio equipment and a spa for the black card members! (Highly recommend the hydro massage!). However, I am not getting anywhere near the amount of sleep that I need or want. Often times Falling asleep at my laptop in positions that are -horrible- for my body. I wake up in pain, numb limbs and just overall fatigued. I guess it’s some sort of progress….? But what havoc are these sore areas wreaking on my body…?

So yeah I joined the gym and I have started into a new phase of my fitness journey. Over the weekend I think I may have accidentally hurt myself lifting. I am VERY tired of this happening and it was my own fault. I need to keep my priorities straight. It seems like everyone is either upset with me for exercising at “wrong times” or worried about me because I want to exercise in the morning and the location “isn’t safe”. I’m so sick of everything and I need to just step away. Had a doctors appointment today and was able to catch my therapist for a quick couple questions on my way out. She showed me the below list and sadly…it fits me to a T. I don’t know what to do anymore, I want to be there for my loved ones but I want to be there for myself too. I’m so overwhelmed and scared that I will lose loved ones if I make bad choices. I may need more alone time but I have an obligation and a dedication to my loved ones so I feel like I can’t u.u

7 Signs a man is burned out but doesn’t realize it.

1. He’s always tired, even after a full nights sleep. No matter how much rest he gets he never feels recharged
2. He zones out more often. Scrolling his phone, watching tv, or spacing-out becomes his go to way to escape.
3. Small things set him off. What used to be minor annoyances are now overwhelming or infuriating.
4. His drive is gone. He’s not lazy. He just can’t seem to care about things he used to.
5. He feels numb in his relationships. Conversations seem like chores, and emotional connection takes too much energy.
6. He keeps thinking “I just need to push through” he believes rest is something he will earn once he’s done…but he’s never really done.
7. He doesn’t feel like himself anymore. He knows something is wrong but he can’t quite put his finger on what it is.

Okay so yeah, I tried today, I really did. I BARELY finished half of my step goal.

I seriously need to leave social media, chat services, etc. more thoroughly.

I am going to be muting my phone during the day so I can gain a better focus.

I was constantly under pressure today, constantly being messed with.

I need to be alone, so I'm sorry but I will be on telegram and discord -SPARINGLY- from now on.

Sorry