So. With Art Fight in basically 8 days. I will be participating in this year as well, like I did last year. And I am joining Team Crystals (There was no hesitation for me, no thinking. I like crystals). I didn't get to do a lot of art last time since my motivation fell off in the middle of it because of how few attacks I received. So, I only got to do a few revenges. And a few attacks of my own, so here's to hoping there is more this time. Can we get a bigger number than me doing 8 attacks and getting 5 defenses. Can we get these numbers higher than last time? Maybe?? Hopefully???

Anyway. My stance on NSFW art... I'm getting there. Almost. Just prefer people to keep it to themselves. Being around a few friends who I know have NSFW art of their characters. And joke about things. Does help make my view shift. Not gonna be open about things that much. Especially not here. But I am starting to be fine with the possibility with suggestive art of some of my characters. Not all of them, but some. When I am fully fine with it, I would probably make an alt for that. Separate stuff from my main stuff because. I like drawing my usual stuff more than anything. At least I can go posting it in discord servers everywhere, unlike the other. So, I barely see much point in the other. Compared to what I already draw.

Also. I should mention life stuff too. I have a gaming pc! So, things in terms of gaming have improved. My laptop also had a storage, and ram upgrade, alongside the battery being replaced. And last month, had my bedroom redone. So, I have things more organized, and things are cleaner than ever. Though it was hellish for a while. Coughing like absolute HELL for a week and a half straight. But yeah. Things have gotten better for me. Though depression? Nah that still beats my ass. Probably got a tiny bit worse since the last 8 months. But as long as I have people to talk to (Though I want to also talk to new people, to yap about my story lore, and my terraria mod lore... I HAVE A MIGHT NEED FOR THE YAPPENING). I should remain stable enough mentally. Might have my moments of loneliness, and isolation. And just. Depressing thoughts but that is common for me. Just gotta push through no matter what. Because not doing so, lets it win. So, I am not going to let it win. I have shit I want to do, and so. I will do it.

Oh yeah also Deltarune. Experiencing that with a friend, made it so much more enjoyable and memorable. And I am SO GLAD, I recorded all of that (I have chapter 3 uploaded but that is unlisted on my youtube, for now. Until I get off my ass and put the 2 sessions of chapter 4 together and upload that as well). That was a ROLLERCOASTER of an experience. The funniest, and most hype shit I ever seen in a looooong time with games. But in terms of my projects? Uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh. We'll get there. Annihilation Mod will happen eventually.

Life still the exact same as it usually is. Every single day. I had participated in Art Fight in July. Which for the record, I never posted the art outside of Art Fight. Only some of it on discord due to sharing a sever with a few. I might upload them under my scraps at some point, but I don't know. Maybe when next Art Fight comes around I'll start posting them when I finish them.

Now onto the next stuff. My birthday is nearing, with December being not that far. Kinda crazy that I will be 21 towards the end of the year. Safe to say, I will be a very responsible person and stick to drinking tea and soda as I usually do. Keeping away from stuff that I would not. But also, almost a full year of having my large Luna Ezalina plush lmao. Which I don't think I have posted anything about it. I should probably post a scrap post of it lol. Planning to buy a second 30 inch plush of my other zoroark. Devison Atrolis, so I can have my character pair together. Also. There is some things I would also like to mention next.

[Note. Stuff I am about to mention next is partly a rant. But also an explanation as to part of why my bio states why I am not comfortable with certain things still. Since I don't think I ever said anything about it yet. Not here at least. And an overall explanation for why I am the way I am, and why I go about improving art the way I do]

Still within my comfort zone for now. My view on certain art remains the same. And seeing how things are for those artists. And watching a few people I follow, or a friend slowly going down that route. I don't know how to describe how I exactly feel about it but it isn't very positive. Kinda more just. "Good for you" and. "Another one walks the dreaded path that I do not like" I won't stop them from trying. Their choice, not mine. Just cannot follow them if they do. And I know I should step out of my comfort zone with some stuff but. That one will be some time from now. Considering that stems from an old encounter on discord. Where someone encouraged someone else, both in a vc with me present, sent me NSFW... out of sheer spite against me. Which they willingly admitted to me in voice. And do note, this wasn't recent or anything. This was a few years ago. Meaning, it was when I was under 18. Doesn't help the fact they were BOTH under 18 as well. Which... fucking why??? Safe to say I hold a grudge about that to this day, considering neither got punished for it. Not even by discord. And I only hold long grudges like such, when it is justifiable. ESPECIALLY when they didn't regret it afterwards, not even later on. All due to the fact I didn't like to take "Criticism" from anyone.

And note. This was the Terraria Community, and Modding Community especially. When it was far more toxic. It is slightly better now but still there regardless. And doesn't take super long to find any. Used to be almost everywhere half the time. So Criticism is more so in a "You are bad at art!" or "Fix this now!" and no further elaboration or attempt to help teach how to fix things or anything, and threw hissy fits when you didn't listen to them or understand a tutorial slapped in your face. Which happened a lot back then to me. . . So I became self-taught out of spite for the most part until people either stopped giving a shit, became nicer, or just saw me as "Good enough" to not be a target of harsh criticism shoved down my throat. And that one user, kept targeting me, and taking advantage of the fact I wasn't the best socially, and had a short temper. Trying to piss me off a lot back then and succeeded a lot. Nowadays I am more thick skinned when it comes to it. That and people have kinda started learning to mostly give criticism when asked to. Not when they see art posted that instant. Because that should be the unspoken rule of art, to give criticism when asked, and don't when you aren't asked to, if they don't feel comfortable with it. I've only taken critique from people I can trust and that are better than me. Because they've known me enough to know HOW to approach me about it, and how to show me what to do and what mistake I am making, or make suggestions with some visual help or explanation that I can actually understand better (I am mostly a visual learner and whatnot)

But despite that... I have been slowly thinking about it every now and then. About potentially starting to make slow steps out of my comfort zone. It'll be a while. But I might start trying more once I have turned 21 in December. But also ANOTHER issue that is of big concern is. My laptop's battery has been expanding underneath the surface. Almost had it for 4 years, which is an 8gb ram hp laptop (Yeah I know. Garbage. I didn't pick the laptop. Blame the parents that bought it, and the fact I have a limited split budget for birthday and christmas, being 7 days apart from one another). And I currently do not have the money to get a new laptop, and don't know how much it'll cost me to replace the battery. But I will leave it to professionals to replace it since, it is too dangerous for a replacement at home. And from my last journal. I S T I L L don't have an ID for a functional paypal account... that'll FINALLY change in november since we DO need to get my ID for what my dad has planned for my 21st birthday. There is no delaying it anymore. Either we do it, or that plan is out of the question. And any hope of me being able to use my own money on my own time and whatnot.

Also. Depression update! It still sucks. Just eats away at me more and more. Making me increasingly more demotivated and mentally drained. But I want to live still. Despite the loneliness. But at least that's why my discord friends are there. So I have someone to talk to and not feel as alone, as I would be if I was alone and talking to myself. Hopefully 2025 and 2026 will be the years where I can start getting my life right. And start feeling better. Until then. I just gotta push through Depression and ADHD to get anything done. Forward through abyss and into the light

It is now my 20th birthday. And I ever so slowly get closer to becoming 21. And that is dreadful to me. But aside from that. Received 2 Gunpla sets from my oldest brother, never got one before but it will be interesting to put them together. But that's all I really got in terms of things to note, rest was just money. Now, if only I could actually use it online properly. AHAHAHAHA, parents... Waiting since May to get my ID, and still am. Because once I get that, I can finish my paypal. And then eventually after getting better at art, I will consider doing commissions. But only after I reach a level, where I am comfortable and confident enough to do them. But when I eventually do, it will be done in my own time, because of me being a slow working artist with bad ADHD, and easy lack of focus and frequent motivation loss in most cases. But this will not be anytime soon. Maybe within the next couple or so years I will start doing them, to give myself time to improve my art, and overall mental state and physical body health.

So. I really haven't been able to draw as much, nor finish much at all in recent time at all. For the past few months. And for some reason, my OVERALL motivation for just about, everything has been, drained. Non-Existent. Gone. I don't know why, I want to know why, and probably never will know why. But oh well, I just gotta keep trying to push myself to do things, so I am at least doing something.

If my post of the second Niovak Mech Progress, that is outdated now, and being redone. But also, the fact it has been 10 months already since losing my cat sophie has been... Painful, but in brighter news of that, in fact much brighter news. We took in a new kitten as of a couple of weeks ago. Named Lily, and trying to figure out whether she's a Balinese or Seal Point Siamese. Either way, I have spending some time every day trying to get her used to me being around.

And in terms of everything else, project wise......... ABSOLUTELY FREAKING NOTHING LMAO. Yeah, a whole load of nothing. With my lack of motivation, also comes any lack of progress to any of my projects, including my own terraria mod. No one is trying to help push me back up and do things again, when I desperately need it. When several of the devs are friends of mine. And I while I know they have their things, it's been m o n t h s since anything had happened really. Music wise? Nothing. Code wise? Barely much at all. Sprite and design wise? At least recently tried to redo one of the boss designs that was needed, and about half of it is done, but because of the planned rework, including another part of it. The feeling of eternal suffering is much indeed. But, at least it's SOMETHING, than nothing. I also hate the fact it's hard to find good spriters and coders, who aren't. Y'know. Assholes, like a lot of people in the MODDING community are in terraria. Alas, the modded terraria curse, to really find people willing, you just gotta find the right people and just talk with them a lot and be a good and chill person. Because when I try to just ask people randomly in mod servers I look like I am begging, in my eyes. And boy is wording things for me is difficult. But, in terms of my story? P R O C R A S T I N A T I O N. Nothing else needs to be said.

That is, all that is needed to be said for now. Until my next birthday journal because I am just, going to do them every time now.
Oh and also, perhaps in december, I shall receive my custom 30inch Luna Ezalina plush from budsies. I had waited so long for it, and now it is just a matter of waiting for it to be done heheheheheheh. Big huggable luna plushie.

So, I've been on this site for a whole year, which to me, is a lot already. And as for any art, don't really have anything finished to post on here, due to motivation to finish anything is, non-existent and I keep jumping images constantly, with new ideas over and over. It's never ending basically. Though, I am in the middle of redoing Niovak again, a year later lmao, making changes to his design and stuff but also have other w.i.p images such as, Velrisia, the hisuian zoroark ancestor of Devison, and alternate universe devison who is soul combined with luna, with separate consciousnesses and stuff, but shared power in one body. And a w.i.p image cover for a rp with some friends, which would be for it's final chapter of my planned story things for it. And I am still working on Niovak's boss mech design for the one terraria mod. . . Other than that, nothing to really post, so yeah, happy birthday me

So, yesterday, we had a fire start several miles from us as a small brush fire before it spread across a bit relatively quickly, considering conditions were perfect for that to happen. And we were very close to having a Level 2 Evacuation Order, but thankfully, it was contained as of several hours ago, though it's still burning, it just won't be getting any further than the edge of the boundry. So, the concern is over, and it's just a matter of waiting, and dealing with the smoke that is overhead causing the sun to look red and the moon orange to an ominous dark red at around midnight.
And while I try to remain positive and calm. I won't deny that I did feel at least a bit scared for the worst, considering our cat is in indoor cat and she would try to get out. And also, the thought of losing the house I lived in for my whole life so far, I was just hoping that the fire departments could deal with the fire fast enough and thank god they pulled through for the city. Otherwise, this would have been a really nasty fire, and I would have had to leave nearly everything behind. On the bright side, there is rain predicted on the forecast, and the fact that next week I will be on a 2 day vacation, after a few years of not having one, and taking a well needed break to rest my mind, since I haven't been able to properly do that
As for any other art, fluctuating motivation is still a bit of a pain
(PS, every time I say "our" I am referring to me, my brother, and my parents)

So. I have a lot of unfinished art, and I keep jumping to new art constantly. And my motivation to finish any art and such, has taken a COMPLETE drop. Even with my spriting, I had 2 w.i.p boss sprites for a friends terraria mod, and lately I haven't had the motivation to continue them, nor work on my story art project at all. I do not know what to do right now, other than just, wait a bit for my burnout to stop. Because it's going to drag me into artists block and such if I try to continue anyway, and I've also been feeling tired a lot in general too. I've gone through this at least a few times in the past, it comes and goes, and it just took me waiting a bit and eventually got back up again with motivation and stuff. So, don't expect any uploads anytime soon until I am able to draw more again (Nothing much has happened Irl so it's nothing bad, just a thing I deal with every now and then. And as a reminder, I am far more active on discord compared to anywhere else)

So today is my birthday, didn't really get much other than money to spend on stuff I can think of getting that I wouldn't have been able to think of earlier. Also in terms of art, I have a few work in progress things, one being the scientist character I once mentioned before, since I am finally getting around to drawing his updated appearance fully. Also side note, I didn't get much sleep so I'm dead tired right now. So the time of me posting this, I am going to be getting well deserved rest, since today was rather, boring tbh

And also another birthday where I feel like nothing changed, except for the fact that I will probably suffer more in the future, though it is entirely debatable if things turn for the better or worse. But only time will tell

Since i dont exactly have much recent art to post at this moment, i might upload some of my old art i have made in the past, and put them under scraps or a new folder dedicated to old art. But i am entirely unsure, as for new art, i was kinda putting a faint bit of pressure onto myself to finish the art of Devison and Luna, but i intend on expanding on them to go over most of the details on them, like a reference sheet of sorts. Though, one of the next few might be the scientist if i post old work or decide to draw him (Your hint to what he looks like, is my current pfp as of the day this is posted, until i change it eventually to something proper)

Other than that, i might not post super often as i want to try and also focus on some other things, like get done with a couple modded terraria playthroughs and finish a few things i haven't continued yet in ages. And chances are of me posting some of them here are a bit, 50/50. But as i said before, i dont know, things might change or they might not (And reminder, i am new to this site, so im still kinda, eeehhhh about this, but maybe after enough time i well get over that)

Also happy thanksgiving everyone, and hope everyone has a good day 👍 (i am 8 minutes early to say it but oh well, i do not care)