I just stumbled over some Rule 34 art of one of my favorite webcomic pairs. Usually, such things don't bother me very much, but part of the reason I loved the pair while the strip was still running was their perpetual in..well, not INNOCENCE, but that, for all their intelligence, they were quissentially children. And not, at the same time--they cared about each other, were tolerant, and friends.

I guess some people have difficulty understanding that sort of feeling. Or maybe they just want to make adult art. Either way, I doubt the creator knows about it; which I'm not about to change--god, I can't imagine how terrible I'd feel if someone tried to 'use' my characters against my wishes. =\ But past that, even.. it looks like them, it's claimed to be them, but it's acting in a way that they never would.

It bugs me.

Has anyone out there had an experience like this?

I don't know why I don't write more often. It's not like I can run out of babble. Anyway, I've been hunting work. Half-heartedly, some days; others like today really pounding streets. Feeling drained, sad, and like 25/28 told me outright 'we're not hiring'. Which is fairly accurate.

You know what's awesome? Sex.

You know what's not awesome? Having your sexual fluids so glue-like after drying they attatch your wang to the cloth of either your boxers or pants and damage the epidermis before detaching said wang.


God, I love having a blog no one in my house reads. <.<

DJSprings: Heya, haya. Whatcha up to?
DJSprings: NO DUKE NUKEM FOREVER? OH, NO. WHATEVER SHALL I DO. WHEREVER SHALL I GO

Rensu: Oh BAWW
Rensu: I'm okay. Listening to music.
Rensu: Sporadically finishing my essay

DJSprings: RHETT, OH RHETT--okay, I can't keep doin' that

Rensu: ...Rhett?

DJSprings: ...Rhett Butler?
DJSprings: D:
DJSprings: OH I GIVE UP.
DJSprings: *is OLD*

Rensu: You aren't old
Rensu: I just am really fuckin' young XP

DJSprings: *whap*

Rensu: And have no knowledge of the pa- Ow

DJSprings: Okay, HANG ON. >=|

Rensu: ...Bluh?

DJSprings: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZ7z6hpO57c
DJSprings: I order you to watch this RIGHT. NOW.

Rensu: I've never seen the Sound of Music. Sorry.
Rensu: I have heard that line before I think

DJSprings: It's GONE WITH THE WIND

Rensu: ...
Rensu: *double fail smack*

DJSprings: I'm sorry, loverboy, but you know this is getting quoted on my blog x3

Rensu: ffffffffffffffff-

Got a pretty letter the other day from the place I had high hopes for. Had an official letterhead and everything.

It was a rejection letter.

I'm sort of used to these things--being told I'm not quite what people are looking for--but this one stung a little. Beyond the obvious, it stated there was a complete overflow of people interested in the position. I have lots of competition, it seems. These are difficult times, to be sure--but it's more than that. The major breadwinner in this house was just told that her position was being axed entirely due to budget constraints; and her patience for me to get a position is running out rapidly.

I don't want to be stuck in another dead-end zero hour position, like the one I had at the department store. I want even less to work the foodcourt again. I've worked GOOD jobs before--canvassing-ground ops for the US census, assisting in training, so on...s o I have a hard time stepping back from that to close to minimum wage.

Should I ask if I can go to college? Should I try for grants? There's so much on my plate right now.

I'm beginning to wonder if I'll taste rabbit foot so long as I live. Or at least so long as I can't let go of some awkward memories.

*sigh* I'm a screwed up bunny.

I've got someone who might be willing to hire me. They're going to be contacting me tomorrow. If so, it'd be ~30 hours a week, ~10.52/hour.

I can live off that much, if need be. And save.

Cross your fingers, talons, or pawpads for me, guys?

I've just informed that, at latest, my job ends one week from tomorrow.

Hello, everyone. First: My especial apology to my manslave, who I have regrettably not been cuddling nearly enough. Second, to my saddled, mind-broken plaything, who probably doesn't miss me the same way I miss them. Finally, to Ess, for bein' so cranky and quiet. (Also to a nameless fuzzy rat.)

Lately, technical problems are causing me to not be able to perform my job duities. To say this is unsettling would be an understatement: I will owe a substantial sum for car repairs, soon, and I wanted a mattress to land on afterward--and said mattress is rapidly dwindling from 'futon' to 'somewhat comfortable rock'. But I'm far more concerned about recent firings--we've lost multiple people due to production issues, and I'm worried I'll be next. I am VERY worried about this; there will be no patience for me if I lose my job.

Unfair or not, I might get kicked out then.

See, this is why the Springs is so tweaked, lately. ._.() Right now I'm waiting on hearing from my boss about what to do next--if we need a new machine, or what.

Here's hoping it goes better soon...

PS: Also to a certain cock-offering of a pudgy, saddleless Yoshi. Sorry, hon. x-x see how stressed I is?

PPS: Also to a fish-tailed mergirl.

Oi. x-x

So I had a long chat over the net with my betrothed about our priorities as a couple. She wants a future with me. I can promise her that, assuming I don't die. She asked if I'd be more comfortable calling our relationship 'open'--not to her family, of course; just to my MIND SLAVES on the internet/one day furniture.

I don't... know if I should. Part of me really, really wants to. I don't think this is a test, or anything--she's not the testing type. But she wants honesty, which I want to believe I can do. How many seemingly healthy relationships are destroyed because the people don't trust each other?

Or, worse, because they CAN'T trust each other?

I want to give her honesty. And I want to be open. And I want to fulfill my promises to that someone, who I will break free of their shell and expose to the world without shame.

Not like that, perverts. (not at first, anyway...)

..but I don't know what I can DO--I mean, to support us in the meanwhile. Retail work is spotty. This gig won't last long, though the money's pretty solid. I have no practiced artistic talents to peddle... hmm.

Today has been very very very very very very very nervewracking.

I've been told I'm not committed to the person I am engaged to. By her father. I've spent the past two and a quarter hours alone on the road for the first time in what's probably eight months. In that time, I was in the wrong lane and got a glare from someone, and was pulled over by the police.

Two hours of that on the road time was on the interstate. I was pulled over for nearly causing a wreck.

I don't think I'll be ticketed, because the officer looked up my liscence--provisionary--but he did ask me to tell the people I had borrowed (yes, all this in a borrowed car) to keep the registration in it.

he was very nice. reminded me to check over my shoulder before changing lanes. warned me about the pothole ahead of me, when i was going to get back on the road.

Just as he pulled me over, my cell phone rang.

he asked if i had been using it while driving, and i honestly answered no.

...when I called the number back, it was my work people, asking me to be a courier on monday...

..i don't own a car...

i don't know what's going to happen next.

...in about fifteen minutes, i need to get back in the car, try to go to my area again (I went the wrong way four to five times trying to get to my assignment before making it back home). ...maybe I should wait for my betrothed's mother.

i put a quarter tank in. that at least went ok.

...i feel very much like i'm... falling out of step with the rest of the world..

I AM NOT PREY.

IF YOU ASSUME I AM PREY BECAUSE I AM A RABBIT, YOU WILL WIND UP TORTURED, HUMILIATED, POSSIBLY NEUTERED, AND TAUGHT SOME RESPECT FOR MASTER SPRINGS.

IN THAT ORDER.

That. Is. ALL.

I'm going to be blunt, which is what I've always been best at. I get the feeling... sometimes, that there's some sort of.. wall, or miscommunication, or gulf between myself and others when it comes to relationships--especially when it comes to 'play' ones that people often enter on places like FA.

There's a special person I know that I have feelings for. I'm in a relationship right now, in 'real life', who KNOWS I do some of the things that I do online--that I have a 'harem of boys', so on, so forth. Unfortunately, that person... doesn't feel the same way, and I have a hard time not letting my feelings leak into our conversations. We've been in a sort of on-and-off play thing for a long time--longer than I've been on FA, by a long shot. I don't want to lose that, but I also don't want to make that person uncomfortable.. but I can't play without expressing myself, and... eeeruf. It's.. complicated, to paraphrase Facebook. It doesn't help that technology hates us as a play-pair and seems to bite me on the ass every time I try. >=\

See... when I 'play' with people, sexually especially, it tends to cultivate feelings in me for them after a while--not, like, after quick one-off sessions, of course; more like a slow, evolving curiosity. About what they like, who they are in the non-screen time... I get to asking about their thoughts, about what they do in life. It's fine for the most part; I get to experience varieties of love that might otherwise be outside my realm of experience, and my heart is well-adapted to loving lots of people--connecting with them, finding meaning in relationships with others. It hits much, much harder when I'm lonely--imagine being without a loved one, and then triple that pain, or quadruple it, depending on the severity of how I feel. ..but mostly that's a trade off I'm willing to make. I never try to monopolize anyone who doesn't want to be monopolized, and though I'm clear with other people, I don't let people monopolize ME--no one has my heart all to themselves, and if they try to take it by force, I react... negatively.

I tend to.. shift, to what other people like or want. ...except of late.. i've had very, very hard times playing anything submissive. i can't bring myself to like it, or to come close to liking it. i wish I knew why. it isn't like i never could...

Complete peace: The irksome phase between placing the 62$ order for children's cards, and realizing you left out two or three very important cards that were on your list--that are inexpensive, but difficult to obtain any other way.

TODAY'S UNRELATED MORAL: Reach out and touch a stranger somehow. They might touch back.

I fell asleep at five AM. I woke up at four PM, after dreams in which hymns were somehow involved. As I sit here, listening to harp music and putting off doing my laundry, I wonder what exactly it all means.

I caught this from  Essrayle, who is a sweetheart.

Have it instead of a REAL journal <<
Just reply to this and I'll give the following--


a) Tell you why I befriended you
b) Associate you with something - a song, a color, a photo, a mental image, etc.
c) Tell you something I like about you
d) Tell you a memory I have of you
e) Ask something I've always wanted to know about you
f) In return, you must post this in your journal

today I have been virulently ill to my stomach. I'm currently wearing part of the first set of clothing I had to wash because the second set also got dirty from it all.

i have no dignity at the moment and my will to get things done is completely fucking dead.

i hate days like this.

I AM AWESOME

SO ARE YOU, HAYA

THE BUNNY SAYS SO!

My mind is just plain honestly screwed right up.

There are lines I cannot seem to cross, ones I normally try very hard not to. When these lines are crossed, I... react poorly. I become depressed, physically ill (such that my stomach becomes very very unsettled), and I have a hard time continuing. There's nothing wrong with that. Presumably, every single person has limits. No, I have problems with the fact that I try to do it ANYWAY--because I feel like it might make someone else happy.

I think this is why I've become a consent addict... I have a very, very hard time saying 'NO, I DO NOT ENJOY THIS.' to someone. I used to be much better at it. I wonder what happened? When did I stop mattering so much to myself? When'd I stop giving a damn, when did I stop saying "I have a future, I will work toward it, I deserve things that make me happy as much as other people do"?

I almost apologized. Just now. TO MY JOURNAL.

I mean it. I started to type I'm sorry. Who the hell am I apologizing to? It's not like me not digging SERIOUS NCplay is a new thing, or nescessarily a bad thing. ..Hm. Maybe a trip down memory lane will help me out here.

Gooo back in time.. and hey, there I am, young bunny, buying slaves from places like pens and.. ...always.. trying.. to do positive role play, every time. Hm. Liberation stuff, caring stuff. Sure, sex sometimes. But overall positive, INCLUDING the sex. Restoration of worth. Healing. Loving. Dependency-play or not. Hrm. I guess this is nothing new.

So why feel guilty about it? Why not indulge only the fantasies I can enjoy and not feel wrenched by? What makes me so god-damned unworthy of liking it, Me?

...Because I'm not them, huh? Zat it? Because I see myself as a mistake, and I don't want them to be sad because I told them no? Wise the hell up, Self! Truuust your inner bunny. If you're not into it, TELL THEM, for my ears' sake; they'll find someone who is and can be more into it than you are!

I think this talk has done us BOTH good. Mmhm.

Golem's still pissy we're not working, by the by, but he understands it's a time thing. Don't give up, real-life dude.

I love two AM.

I love two AM for the sights.

I love two AM for the sounds.

I love two AM for the bellcrickets living in my room who, out of nowhere, give chirps so loud they sound like wild birds.

I love two AM for all they shy furs who come out only at night, just like me, or for all the ones I connect with who live hours apart on our beautiful world.

I love two AM for barking dogs.

I love two AM for all night conveinence stores with cute clerks.

I love two AM for the chance to be me.

I love two AM for the way it loves me.

I love two AM for the way I'm not always wrong then.

I love two AM for the way I can be bi without being judged.

I love two AM for the roleplay.

I love two AM for video game twitch sessions and lots of cola.

I love two AM for the beautiful moon, who I worshipped once.

I love two AM for being alone and with all my friends at the same time.

I love two AM.

The other day I received the first gift art of Springs I'd ever seen.

It's of him riding a bondage-pet yoshi.

Part of me is amused, part of me is wondering if I should put it up here, and none of me is surprised.

PS: All of me is grateful. Thank you, Clex!

Someone promised that if I ever cleaned this room, the one I'm in, out utterly, they'd bring home a keyboard, some time back. Let's start there.

You know what, me?

You're right. I DO wish I took better care of myself. In fact, I wish it so much, I'm going to make a change in the way I do and think about things.

I need a full time job for the next three months. I don't care if it's exhausting or not; I need to work. I don't need to work so I can survive, or to evade eviction, or anything like that.

I need to work so I can save money. I can use that money to apply for college courses in three months. It's not too late to change the way I go about living or think about myself, or about how I deal with other people.

I might become less available on the internet, and that'll make me sad; I LIKE talking to Ess and Haya and Kya and Clex and all the people who aren't reading this directly. =p In fact, I love it. I'm comfortable doing it. But.. it's not helping me grow as a person to sit around all day.

So what should I take?

Art courses interest me. Drawing especially--I look forward to really diving into artwork. Psychology too, though they I've studied the intros before, I think. Philosophy. Ethics once I get through that. A mathematics course so my brain doesn't completely melt into cheesy flab. What is all this pointing to, I wonder?

In the meanwhile, I intend to learn HTML. The internet has been a massive portion of my life for a long time, so maybe I should put a tiny portion of myself onto it. ..Not that way, sicko. ..I've wanted to make an entire website out of hand-done sketch art for a long time--navigation links, so on, so forth--just something made utterly and completely, ground up from nothing, by me. I don't get to use the scanner much, but I want to learn to use that, too.

How can I best keep this momentum?

Missed the bus. Can't go out and hunt work. Feel like crap.

I wish I took better care of myself.

Though Valentine's day is crass and commercial and trying to influence people to spend absurd amounts on one PARTICULAR day--rather than spending much less, creating more content surprise, and genuinely doing something that can stand out in people's memory better--it is good for one thing.

MASS CLEARANCE CHOCOLATE AND CANDY. =X And for that I'll put up with a lot.

Valentine's day is a crock. It is a sham designed to capitalize off of a moment of cheap, easily forgotten sentimentality and forced recognition of something that should be allowed to develop naturally. I am not making this statement because of a bitter memory, or because I was ever rejected on it; I'm speaking instead as someone who has had romantic feelings both online and off for several people.

You see, love isn't chocolate. It isn't cards. It's not even--Blasphemer that I am!--candlelit dinners in fancy restaurants, with soft, slow violin music playing in the background. Love isn't any of these things. These are NICE things, to be sure... but even they are nicer when they aren't seen coming a mile away. No, Love is a different animal.

Love is... not an emotion, in the same way that happiness or contentment or sorrow is. Those things can be brought about by love, or lead to love or even away FROM love--but love isn't a feeling. No, love is a connection--a link between people. A lot of people say that hatred is a heartbeat away from love, and from a biological and spiritual standpoint, it's true to an extent. Hatred, like love, is a link between people; once that causes intense emotions. There's a fundamental difference between the two, I think: one of polarity. Hatred is the rejection of a person for what you imagine or what you know about them--their desires, their aspirations, something you refuse utterly; be it serious or trivial. Love is the opposite of this.

Love isn't blind. Love sees openly, sees unquestionably--and accepts the differences, acknowledges them utterly. It CAN be one way, which is painful... but love as a link does not care. People who see into other people's hearts often become connected with them; which is understandable--Opening your heart to someone can make you vulnerable, it's true; but so can looking into someone else's heart. It lets you see how much of a PERSON, a person with hopes and dreams and feelings just like yours, they are.