Still, when I try to put myself into the state of mind to think about and plan out a MIDI, I start getting this horrible wave of stress. My heart races and pounds, and I start to have the onset of a panic attack. All because of my memory of what happened when I tried to show Albaster my latest MIDI, and the way he treated me then.

How do I diffuse this panic trigger? I'd like to be able to do MIDI music again without risk to my physical health. Since I started doing MIDIs in 1996, I don't think I've ever gone this long without making one.

I've actually worked hard not to live too sad a life. To roll with the punches, to adapt to changing circumstances, to grow and learn and live in my world. I'm not allowed to just quit and give up when things are hard. I push on.

I know I'm only 31, and by many standards, I'm quite young. But I'm really feeling my own particular effects of age.

When I was a teenager, I knew that being profoundly autistic would come with challenges. I pushed through high school, did my best to fit in, do well, all of that. I also fell in love for the first time when I was 17. That was a train wreck (as often inexperienced first loves can be), but the guy turned out to be a really fantastic cherished ex-boyfriend, who was my friend through it all. We...sorta lost contact over the years. Last I heard, he married a woman. Seemed too weird to wrap my mind around.

In my 20s, I could see that I was not going to hit the targets that were socially expected of people my age. Prompt graduation, college, employment, career, setting out on my own. Instead, I alternated between years of relatively good spirits, and years of crushing depression. But I still thought, maybe I can still make it, and be at 30 what other people were doing at 20.

And now I'm 31, and feeling more of my physical age. Still unemployed. Still unemployable. Still living off the kindness of others. And still too often feeling very alone. I've lost so many of the people I've loved over the years - often in acrimony - and it seems like that takes a cumulative toll. Increasingly, people my own age are less patient with someone like me. I have my years, but not the abilities usually associated with someone of my years. On the other end of the spectrum, I've known plenty of people a decade younger than me or even half my age, and a few have even formed crushes on me. I always turned them down. Why? Because as much as I don't really seem enough like a 30something, I look at these younger people and I see kids. One can be friends with kids, but it's harder to be peers with any of them. At 31, my own peers have long since evolved in able adult life - one in many ways I can't relate so well to, because I've never been able to achieve that kind of independence.

I know that these issues are not going to go away - if anything, they will multiply in natural progression as I age with autism. And still, I don't want to be alone; a social outcast. I'm always going to have my quirks, and be strange, and even downright annoying to all the people I least want to annoy. But I still wish I could be something to them - something special, the way so many have been special to me. I have many complications, and yet I don't want to be "that complicated handicapped guy" whose very nature scares everyone off.

The last boyfriend I ever had, was when I was 25. Never had one since. We're on good terms now, years after it all ended, but I haven't talked to him in a long time. Mainly, I haven't wanted to be in a position to inadvertently stress the lives of all those people I used to be so close to. I mean, I'm fairly happy without boyfriends, most of the time. But not so happy being without...friends. Dear friends, whose mutual bond is special. Sure, I have friends now I care about, but I always feel like, if I vanished without a word, they might not even wonder where I've been. Just not close enough.

There is much I need in my life. One of those are people special to me. And I want to be needed. I just don't always know how to be welcome. And I've lost so many of my dearest friends and loved ones. I'm a profoundly lonely person, scraping through life trying to make a difference for good. And what I have to offer, never seems quite adequate enough to invite people into my life to stay and be special to me. Even worse, sometimes things about me I'm not even conscious of, drive away the special people who are still around.

When I'm 40, what will I have to show for it, that says I am a valued person who lived my life well?

Yeah, I know I'm half a decade late...but I only got my Wii for Christmas. I got 121 stars for both Mario and Luigi. Surprisingly, some of the Purple Coin challenges for Luigi seemed easier than they were for Mario, though that also could have been because I had so much practice doing them with Mario.

Next, maybe I'll play New Super Mario Bros. Wii (it came with my Wii). Then later on, maybe Super Mario Galaxy 2 or Xenoblade Chronicles.

Albaster, I wish we could talk. Calmly, civilly, respectfully. And I know that's not going to happen unless you are willing. I need to put our old friendship to rest, and find some peaceful closure between us. I have some questions, and I want to bury the hatchet. I want to know what happened to my old friend, and why you did some of the things you did, without there being any yelling or vitriol involved. And I don't want you feeling afraid, guilted, or anything like that. I wanted to be a good and loyal friend to you, and I wanted us to remain good friends, but I don't want to perpetuate a friendship if its net result is that you are miserable. I would rather us be non-friends who have no more problems stemming from our friendship hanging over either of us.

I hope this is a reasonable request. If you can agree to this, and are willing to speak with me, please contact one of our mutual friends, so we can arrange some means of mutual two-way contact.

I've managed to take up architectural design in the past couple of years. First in Google SketchUp, and most recently in Minecraft (which makes it rather more fun in a lot of ways). I recently uploaded a new design.

However, my musical creativity is still shot. My musical ability is channeled through my emotions, and I don't think that will be fixed until I find a way to make peace with Albaster, and finally bring me some closure in regards to the friendship we once had. He used to love my music...

It's clear that I'm going to carry some piece of my old friend Albaster around in my psyche for the foreseeable future. I'm not entirely sure why he sticks around, always there, but he's there. I look forward to a day when I can make peace with the actual Albaster, so that this piece of him can finally be at rest. He's not the first personality to be absorbed into my inner chorus of influences, and he won't be the last. Most of them have blended into the background, but it's the ones who represent a link to people most hostile to me, who constantly make the most noise in my psyche. I can see that my inner Albaster will never calm down until things are good with the actual Albaster.

I don't want to subject him to an unwanted unhappy guilt-ridden friendship...but I do hope for something more along the lines of an amicable estrangement - where there is no active friendship, but there are no active problems either.

I'm still not sure how to handle the Doppleganger issue. Whereas Alby and I were friends for a long time, I actually don't know Doppleganger at all, except that he saw fit to shout at me over my association with Alby. I randomly see him referenced a lot on FA, but I'm not sure what to think. His hostility toward me has been one of the most unnerving things about all that has happened, seeming to have a lot of opinions about me and Alby despite being a complete stranger to me. And since he seems highly protective of Alby, and I don't really care for antagonism, I really wasn't sure what to do or say. I'm still not sure.

For now, both Albaster and Doppleganger remain on block. Not for a lack of willingness to make peace, but out of a desire not to be yelled at. I would like to be confident that, if such a situation arose, we could speak civilly and respectfully. I'm not entirely certain it's a realistic chance, but it's not an unrealistic wish.

It seems better to be able to summarize these things when I'm feeling less emotional strain. And when it comes to emotional strain, it hasn't exactly escaped me that he might have had to witness a lot of strong emotions from me other the years, and it might have taken a silent toll. I've long tried to keep my emotions moderated, with the understanding that I have them and they are often quite strong, but I try to limit their effects on the people around me. It usually seemed to work. Usually. But he could have felt a great deal of strain that he hid from me. And if he felt guilted by me...I never saw it back when it might have mattered. It's one of my big regrets, where I feel like I might have let him down, where the outcome might have been avoided if I had only done better... I know well that what-ifs and could-have-dones can be very toxic to a person's self-esteem. But really - I felt a great deal of obligation to be the best friend I could be. And I also know that, too often, when something goes wrong, I am more ready to blame myself than doubt other people's conduct. I gotta grow a spine one of these days. But I really did care about how he was doing and how he felt, and whether he was happy. It was nice to see him actually really happy and in good spirits. I kinda wish he could have told me more often when something was wrong.

Well, that's the situation. And from the beginning to the end of writing this journal entry, I still feel relatively emotionally stable. If only I could write more journals with a clearer head than when I'm in the depths of emotional doldrums, I would delete fewer entries after the fact, and I could look back at my entries with more satisfaction.

Thanks for listening.

Been having a repeat pattern lately. Have a strong insurmountable mood, post what I'm thinking and feeling, then have a more sane moment, fear I'm alienating my readers, then delete most of those entries. I kept a few that managed to more articulately reflect what I was trying to express. But I would like to apologize for potentially excessively emo journal entries in general.

Without rehashing everything yet again...I'll just say it's been really, really hard. Still is hard, even now. I've been an emotional and creative wreck all year, and I'm as tired of it as anyone. It's situations like these when I know I need the most help - I just don't always know how to get it.

I'm still holding out hope that somehow I can pull myself out of this prolonged personal crisis. Meanwhile, I have to live, day by day.

It's part of my series of let's play videos where Waluigi cheats (as he has bragged about) at Mario Kart DS. Rainbow Road. I checked the hits counter, and it had 132,956 views. I'm floored.

Still trying to push through.

Alby, you may never actually read this, but I leave it with the universe.

We were friends for years. And I remember most of it being a happy and enthusiastic friendship. Was any of that real? I would like very much for it to have been real. I know friendships sometimes end, and it's okay if they end on good terms. But you were afraid of me, and you felt guilted by me and harassed by my hellos, and I didn't even know this. I always tried to be honest and treat you right and care about your feelings and not give you frivolous moments of drama, and I tried to support you where I was able. I miss the friend I had. But I also miss being allowed to remember my friend well, without wondering if any of the friendship was ever real at all, and without being asked to erase it from my mind.

It's okay for me to have wanted to know what happened to you, and to try to find out. It's okay to have and show emotions that are an appropriate reaction to the situation. It's not a crime to have friendship misunderstandings, or to have to immediately drop everything for offline matters to attend to. It's okay to be bored from time to time. It's okay to have friends who sometimes aren't in the mood for games. It's okay for you to be you. It's okay for me to be me too. It's okay, with at least an attempt of appropriate treatment, for you to be bipolar and for me to be autistic.

But there are also things that aren't okay to do. It's not okay to mislead a friend about the status of your friendship. It's not okay to play hostile pranks, especially on someone who acts in good faith. It's not okay to kick someone when they're down. And it's not okay to beguile someone who has no guile. I don't know why you chose to be so hurtful, when there were options that were gentler and more honest. I wonder if it was because of your condition, and you couldn't help it. I'd like to believe you really were my friend, and just couldn't handle me anymore, and were gripped by factors beyond your control. I'm very loyal, and I prefer forgiveness.

I guess, in at least one way, I'm not very complicated at all - I like my friends, I'm loyal to my friends, and I miss my friends when they go away. And if it's no longer in the cards for us to be friends, I can live with that. But I need an end to the hostility and the fear, and I want to negotiate an amicable estrangement on peaceful terms. Perhaps that may be too much to ask you. But it's not too much to want. Not for one of the longest and most cherished friendships I ever had - that is something that can never be erased from memory.

- Dermot

Your thought juices start flowing productively to write a thoughtful journal, and halfway through you are suddenly sleepy, and can't think clearly enough to finish the journal with a clear head?

I consider erotica to be an entirely legitimate and reputable artform. And people in all states of clothing (or lack thereof) are worthy of respect and dignity. People also deserve respect in their sexual expressions, as it is an intrinsic aspect of humanity. So I've always been irritated with the word "porn". I was taught that only some erotica is pornography, and that pornography is specifically a sexualized rendering whose only real purpose is a masturbatory aid. Pornography is so-named because it is that erotica which is prostitutive in purpose.

The problem is, while prostitution deals in sex and nudity, not all sex or nudity has this purpose. In fact, most of it doesn't. And I don't just mean in terms of published arts, but also in real life situations. I mean, anyone can get off on something they are attracted to if they so choose, but its presence is not necessarily there for that specific purpose. And to insist that a naked person's useful appearance is automatically prostitutive in nature, is to presume in advance that naked people and people who express sexuality must be whores. And I consider that presumption to be demeaning.

Yes, I know, "porn" has sort of become a genericized term for naked people and whatever things they do. But knowing what I've known, I consider it a very toxic word that cheapens the human form and human sexuality. Sometimes erotica is a very beautiful thing. But its purpose should not be presumed in advance to be whory, which is precisely what "pornography" implies. Some people have deeper appreciations for various erotic arts, with a respect for the depicted figures, scenes and situations. They're just not that desperate to get off. Some of us might consider it pretty moronic for someone to automatically assume that erotica has only one purpose, and is only one path to only one meaningful audience reaction. To conflate all erotica with "porn" would suggest exactly that. And it's one of the most annoying assumptions in the world.

In trying to tackle some personal issues, there is one roadblock I keep hitting. And it makes no difference if I ran into it this year, 5 years ago or half a lifetime ago - it's a roadblock I have never been able to overcome.

You see, I pathologically have no guile. It is extremely difficult for me to intentionally deceive anyone. Sarcasm and snark are little problem, because they don't actually deceive. It's telling straight out lies that I cannot do well.

What this also seems to mean, is that I cannot comprehend guile when other people use it on me. Since I have no guile, the role reversal thought experiment does not work. I've usually been someone who believes the truth sets people free, and that it's often better to be truthful about something rather difficult, than to tell a comfortable lie that can end up hurting people much worse down the road.

So, I fail to intuitively grasp how it can be easy for people to think they're doing someone a favor by telling them a comfortable lie, especially when it often does little to shield them from the consequences of truth. It's hard not to see this as fundamentally poor planning. I respect that I don't know everything in life, and that there may genuinely be a benign constructive use of guile - I just can't perceive it, like intangible dark matter.

Over the years though, I have come to really resent when people beguile me, especially when it takes a gamble I'm oblivious of. And yet that hasn't always stopped people - even people close to me - from continuing to beguile me in some way. Part of my problem is that, with my autistic mind-blindness, I often rely on my friends for minor faux pas adjustments, and that requires a certain minimum of honesty. And I have been close to people who, let's say, have not always been honest.

You might recognize and point out, "Dermot, you're talking about stuff in your life recently." Be that as it may, in this journal I'm actually not trying to speak about anything specific. Rather, I have a recurring problem with guile. I think that, if I can get to understand it enough on an intuitive level, I can adapt better when people use it against me. Perhaps then, problems such as recent events might not continue to feel like such a problem.

One might also say, "Dermot, by telling everyone this, you're practically inviting unscrupulous people to beguile you." Well, it was never really a secret that I have no guile. And there will always be unscrupulous people in the world. But I feel that my chronic lack of guile puts me at greater risk if it's not more widely understood. I already am cautious of strangers, though I don't wish to push strangers away either. My guile issues tend to arise more with my friends and acquaintances. And I usually figure that most people who stick around me are not so averse to my quirks as to dislike me. They usually respect me, and I hope it can aid them to keep issues like these in mind.

I tend to be a loving person, but I think I need to say enough with long-term fair weather friends. It seems, over time, that they're the least likely to show me respect, and the most likely to beguile me if and when it serves their purpose. And the bitch of it is, I will usually still love them after all the crap the pull. But I've been trying to learn to stop enabling their bad habits. It's actually not that easy, because if I love them enough, I may be more likely to convince them to stick around, even by making inappropriate compromises that only end up strengthening their bad habits, thereby causing more harm.

It's probably not surprising that I periodically find my mind caught in logical feedback loops. They happen when I feel a particular urgency to figure out that which I can't understand, but I still fail to understand it any more quickly. If this happens often enough, my head starts to really hurt. Depending on the scale of the dilemma, I have in the past been snagged this way for periods as long as days, weeks or months.

- Dermot

I found a sea stack formation in Vietnam's Ha Long Bay, called The Kissing Cocks. It is so named because it resembles two male chickens kissing. Sometimes also called "The Kissing Rocks" to mask the same-gender kiss reference.

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/C....._Kissing_Cocks

I just turned 31. Red velvet cake tomorrow.

I've noticed that a lot of Western pixiv users have been using English language keywords in their submissions. And while it's not necessarily bad to have titles or descriptions in English, it's really most effective search-wise for keywords to be in Japanese, or at least to have Japanese keywords included. So I did a lot of research, and compiled some keywords. :3 Some searches have more than one common keyword, so I've listed multiple options for each type of keyword. (It might be a good idea to use all the variations.)

analog: アナログ
Anubis: アヌビス
Arashi no Yoru ni: あらしのよるに; あらよる
armadillo: アルマジロ
ass (donkey): ドンキー; 兎馬; うさぎうま; ウサギウマ
bara; gachimuchi; buff gay men: がちむち; ガチムチ
bat: 蝙蝠; こうもり; コウモリ
bear: 熊; くま; クマ
beaver: ビーバー
Behemoth: ベヒーモス
Bill (Grey): ビル
bird: 鳥; とり; トリ
Bleach: BLEACH
Bo; Gilliam: ギリアム
boar: 猪; いのしし; イノシシ
bobcat: ボブキャット
(Bowser) Koopa: クッパ
Breath of Fire: ブレスオブファイア; BOF
buffalo: 野牛; やぎゅう; ヤギュウ
bull; cow; cattle: 牛; うし; ウシ
cat; domestic: 猫; ねこ; ネコ
centaur: ケンタウロス
chameleon: カメレオン
cheetah: チータ; チーター
chicken: 鶏; にわとり; ニワトリ
chocobo: チョコボ
cobra: コブラ
comic; manga: 漫画; まんが; マンガ
copyrighted content: 版権
cougar: クーガー
coyote: コヨーテ
crane (bird): 鶴; ツル; つる
Cray: クレイ
crocodilian: 鰐; わに; ワニ
Crocodine: クロコダイン
crow; raven: 烏; 鴉; からす; カラス
daddy; mature: おやじ; オヤジ; パパ
Dalmatian: ダルメシアン
Darius: ダリウス
Dedede: デデデ; デデデ大王
deer: 鹿; しか; シカ
Digimon: デジモン
Disney-style: ディズニー塗り
Doberman: ドーベルマン
dog: 犬; いぬ; イヌ
dragon, Asian: 竜; 龍; りゅう; リュウ; たつ; タツ
dragon, European: ドラゴン
Dragon Quest: ドラゴンクエスト
dragonman: 龍人
duck: 鴨; かも; カモ
dwarf: ドワーフ
eagle: 鷲; わし; ワシ
elderly furry: ジジケモ
elephant: 象; ぞう; ゾウ
facial hair: 髭; ひげ; ヒゲ
Falco (Lombardi): ファルコ
falcon: 隼; はやぶさ; ハヤブサ
fat fur: デブケモ
fat: デブ
father and son: 父子
fennec: フェネック
ferret: フェレット
Final Fantasy: ファイナルファンタジー
Fox + Falco; Falox: ファルフォ
Fox + Wolf; Wolox: ウルフォ
Fox (McCloud): フォックス
fox: 狐; きつね; キツネ
frog; toad: 蛙; かえる; カエル
Fullmetal Alchemist: 鋼の錬金術師; ハガレン
fundoshi; loincloth: 褌; ふんどし; フンドシ
furry; beast: 獣; けもの; ケモノ; ケモ
furry; beastman: 獣人
Gabu: ガブ
Gaist: ガイスト
Galka: ガルカ
Garr; Garland: ガーランド
gay fur: ケモホモ
gay: ゲイ; ホモ
gazelle: ガゼル
gecko: 家守; やもり; ヤモリ
General Pepper: ペパー
Gintarou: 銀太郎
giraffe: 麒麟; きりん; キリン
goat: 山羊; やぎ; ヤギ
gorilla: ゴリラ
grandpa: じいちゃん; ジイチャン
gryphon: グリフォン
Halloween: ハロウィン
Heinkel: ハインケル
Hellboy: ヘルボーイ
hippopotamus: 河馬; かば; カバ
horse: 馬; うま; ウマ
husky: ハスキー
hyena: ハイエナ
iguana: イグアナ
Iksar: イクサー
jaguar: ジャガー
James + Peppy; Jimpep: ジムペプ
James (McCloud): ジェームズ
Jon Talbain; Garon: ガロン
kangaroo: カンガルー
kemonomimi: 獣耳; けもの耳; ケモノ耳; けものみみ; ケモノミミ
Kimahri: キマリ
Kirby: カービィ
kiwi: キウイ; キーウィ
Koopa (species); Koopa Troopa: ノコノコ
Labrador Retriever: ラブラドール・レトリバー
Leo: レオ
Leomon: レオモン
Leon (Powalski): レオン
leopard; panther: 豹; ひょう; ヒョウ
liger: ライガー
lion: ライオン
lizard: 蜥蜴; とかげ; トカゲ
lizardman: リザードマン
lynx: 山猫; やまねこ; ヤマネコ
macho: マッチョ
male furry: オスケモ
mammoth: マンモス
maned wolf: 鬣狼; タテガミオオカミ; たてがみおおかみ
Mei: メイ
middle-aged man (informal; rude): おっさん
minotaur: ミノタウロス
moose: ムース
Morenatsu: 漏れなつ。; 漏れなつ
muscle: 筋肉
nipples: 乳首
ocelot: オセロット
ogre; demon: 鬼; おに; オニ
opossum: オポッサム
orc: オーク
orca: 鯱; しゃち; シャチ
original: オリギナル
otter: 獺; うそ; ウソ
owl: 梟; ふくろう; フクロウ
panda: パンダ
Panther (Caroso): パンサー
penguin: ペンギン
Peppy (Hare): ペッピー
phoenix: フェニックス
pig: 豚; ぶた; ブタ
pixel art: ドット絵
platypus: 鴨の嘴; かものはし; カモノハシ
Pokemon: ポケットモンスター; ポケモン
polar bear: 白熊; しろくま; シロクマ
practice: 練習
puma: ピューマ
python: 錦蛇; にしきへび; ニシキヘビ
rabbit; hare: 兎; うさぎ; ウサギ
raccoon dog; tanuki: 狸; たぬき; タヌキ
raccoon: 洗い熊; あらいぐま; アライグマ
rat; mouse: 鼠; ねずみ; ネズミ
ray (fish): えい; エイ
Red Earth; Warzard: ウォーザード
Rei: レイ
rhinoceros: 犀; さい; サイ
Ronso: ロンゾ
Rottweiler: ロットワイラー
rough art: ラフ
Sajin Komamura: 狛村左陣
Scias: サイアス
seal (animal): 海豹; あざらし; アザラシ
shark: 鮫; さめ; サメ
sketch; scribble: 落書; 落書き; らくがき; ラクガキ
skunk: スカンク
Slippy (Toad): スリッピー
snake: 蛇; へび; ヘビ
Star Fox: スターフォックス; スタフォ
Star Wolf: スターウルフ
stork: 鸛; こうのとり; コウノトリ
strong: がっしり; ガッシリ
swan: 白鳥
thylacine; Tasmanian tiger: 袋狼; ふくろおおかみ; フクロオオカミ
tiger: 虎; とら; トラ
tigerman: 虎人
toucan: 大嘴; おおはし; オオハシ
turtle; tortoise: 亀; かめ; カメ
underpants: パンツ
voluptuous: むっちり; ムッチリ
walrus: 海象; せいうち; セイウチ
weasel: 鼬; いたち; イタチ
Weregarurumon: ワーガルルモン
werewolf: 狼男
Wolf (O'Donnell): ウルフ
wolf: 狼; おおかみ; オオカミ
yak: ヤク
Yoshi: ヨッシー
zebra: 縞馬; しまうま; シマウマ

This is a means of transmitting recipes in a condensed text format. This is fun for IRC, twitter, IM, SMS, or any other circumstances where text messages must be reasonably short.

Take my chocolate chip cookie recipe.

.5Csg+bsg+softbtr,1egg,.5TSPbsda+bpdr+vla+salt,.75Cflr,1.5Cqoat,chips,375-400F,6-8min

This means 1/2 cup of sugar, and the same measurement each of brown sugar and butter. Then a 1/2 teaspoon of baking soda, and the same measurement each of baking soda, baking powder, vanilla and salt. Then 3/4 cup of flour, and 1 and 1/2 cup of quick oats. Then chips (chocolate chips are implied), then bake at 375 to 400 degrees Fahrenheit, for 6 to 8 minutes.

Basically, convey the details of the recipe as briefly as legibly possible (at least after briefly learning how to read condensed recipes). You list the ingredients, separating them by a comma. Complex notes are not possible, so you have to be rather inventive.

Use brief uppercase abbreviations for measurements:
C = cup(s)
G = gram(s)
PCH = pinch
TBSP = tablespoon(s)
TSP = teaspoon(s)

For numbers, use decimal format. For example, 1.5 means 1 and 1/2. For fractional measurements less than 1, start with a decimal spot. For example, .5 is 1/2. Including the 0 in 0.5 is unnecessary, as .5 is clear enough.

Ingredient names are also as condensed as possible, and should be in all lowercase to differentiate them from the measurements:
bpdr = baking powder
bsda = baking soda
bsg = brown sugar
btr = butter
egg = egg(s)
flr = flour
qoat = quick oats
salt = salt
sg = sugar
softbtr = softened butter
vla = vanilla

Other ingredients not used in this particular recipe:
bmlk = buttermilk
clam = clams
crm = cream
eggyk = egg yolks
eggwt = egg whites
hbegg = hard-boiled eggs
mayo = mayonnaise
mlk = milk
mrg = margarine
mstd = mustard
ooil = olive oil
wtr = water
xyl = xylitol

You can leave brief notes between the ingredients, such as:
beat
blend
boil
chill
chop
churn
dice
puree
stir
whisk

Steps can be omitted if they're implied as part of the type of recipe. For instance, you stir ingredients to make cookie dough - to try to make cookie dough without stirring the ingredients at all would be ridiculous.

For baking, you can just supply the temperature and time. The temperature is the number followed by either C (celsius) or F (fahrenheit). Use Google Calculator or something similar to convert if needed. Time is equally brief, following by words like hr, min, sec. So 375-400F,6-8min means bake at 375 to 400 degrees Fahrenheit for 6 to 8 minutes.

Now, here's my sweet cream (plainest of plain) ice cream recipe.

2egg,whisk,.5Csgr,whisk,1Cmlk+crm,whisk,churn

This means 2 eggs, whisk them, then 1/2 cup sugar, then whisk again, then 1 cup milk and 1 cup cream, then whisk, and then churn in your ice cream maker.

...Yeah, I like my ice cream to be sweet, but not too sugary sweet.

This is the latest incarnation of my random maze generator, this time as a web app done 100% in JavaScript using HTML canvas. Enjoy. Known to work in FireFox, Safari and Chrome. Does not work in IE8 due to IE8's 32K URL length limit. I have not tested IE9 or Opera.

Some additional notes (and I checked with  dragoneer on this years ago). He gave me permission to post some samples of my random generated mazes since it's my algorithm and my software that generated it, and in that sense it is a work of my art. However, randomly seeded art is still against the Acceptable Upload Policy if someone else uploads a maze generated only using different parameters of this same software. There has to be more original to it than a new seed or different colors or such.

My friend  superslickslasher has been offline (away from everyone) for more than half a year. I miss him a lot. :(

First of all, I eat Go-Gurt because it has no high fructose corn syrup - all other Yoplait yogurt products seem to have it.

Anyway, I conducted an experiment. I put a tube of Go-Gurt in the freezer, and checked on it every 30 minutes. After about two hours, it was neither liquid nor rock-hard frozen, but had a very agreeable soft-serve consistency. It was heaven.

I'm high-functioning autistic. Not Asperger syndrome - that would be a step up. I have a severe clinical handicap, for which I receive professional treatment to improve on (and regularly donate my time to have my brain MRI-scanned for scientific studies), but I still have a handicap which will never completely be eliminated.

I'm also a very loyal, caring friend who values friendship and trust, with some of my fondest memories being time spent with friends. I believe in communication and talking through problems. If someone has a problem with me and doesn't discuss it - or, worse, if they lie to me about it - it leaves me in a bind, because I'm pathologically guile-free. (That's right, I don't know how to deceive people.) I also believe forgiving people's faults as human beings, but that doesn't mean I want to be a doormat. Be human and make some mistakes, and that's being human and I can forgive it. When a friend knows I have a guile blind spot and exploits it, they may have earned themselves a special place in hell.

I'm also more willing to be forgiving and striving to be understanding to someone else with a manageable mental illness. I don't lack empathetic intent, even if I occasionally lack social skills and can't figure some stuff out in a timely manner. Though I require other people's understanding, I know I can't ask for other people's understanding and not myself try to be understanding of other people. But honest communication greases those wheels, and it's especially important while I still have the handicap I do.

In the past it was more common for me to frequently emo and wangst on my journals. I know that's a waste of time. I try to give my journals substance and practical purpose, since I learned that people hate it when people angst in vain. And I should hope this is one of those more practical journals.

A fellow programmer and old friend of mine has been working on a new software project called musl, which is almost ready for release. It is a replacement libc library for Linux systems, designed to be leaner, more powerful and have a more graceful footprint than other libc libraries.

He is hoping to obtain an artwork of a mascot for musl - a muscular penguin. And he asked me if I knew of any good furry artists who might draw one. And yes, he knows that most of the artists I browse draw gay, bara, etc. This mascot would have to be fairly worksafe, but it may still be quite attractive and desirable.

As musl is licensed under the GNU Lesser General Public License, my friend would prefer that the mascot artwork be released under the same license. He said, however, that this is not absolutely necessary - it would just at least have to be freely usable for the musl websites, promotion of musl and for discussion of musl on other websites. My friend is willing to credit the artist in the FAQ and/or the thanks section of the website.

If there is an artist reading this who is interested in drawing the mascot and wishes to contact my friend, please contact me for arrangements.

I've been trying to do well and take what comes in stride. But lately I feel like my baggage is too great to simply shrug off.

Some of my closest friends have been going away. I haven't heard from beefeater since July, when he abruptly cut me off with an unexpected insult and a universal ignore/block.  superslickslasher lost his Internet access almost as long ago, and I haven't heard a peep from him in months. It's been hard to reach  jkroo for even longer. I was once much better friends with  redrodent, but I've heard from him less and less over the past year.

To add insult to injury, in December I was cruelly banned from the Wild Arms Wiki by a rabidly homophobic admin accusing me of "homosexual sexual agenda" and "political advocacy" for trying to push for the cleanup of abusively gay-bashing language from the Brad Evans article (a topic of particular interest to gay fans of the series) and for mentioning I filed a report with Wikia administration.

When I finally heard back from Wikia admins almost a week later, a nice lesbian admin told me that Wikia wiki creation is first-come-first-serve and they leave it entirely up to the founder of each wiki to make their own rules and try not to interfere. They said that if a wiki founder is being draconian and autocratic and prejudicially derailing the wiki community consensus process, my only course is to clone the wiki, which I did.

Lots of other users from IRC #wikia heard my problem and went to the Wild Arms Wiki to comment on the problem (mostly in my support after reviewing the logs), but the admin there said his opinion was the final word and that anyone commenting in my favor who was not actively involved in the Wild Arms Wiki was "dogpiling him".

Anyway, once the task of cloning the wiki was complete, I realized (A) I didn't actually want to run a wiki, and (B) none of my active friends were active enthusiastic Wild Arms fans, and (C) I was feeling horribly injured and traumatized for reasons I couldn't completely understand. Since then, I've been feeling more on edge, and more afraid of cruel homophobes in positions of authority almost anywhere I go. (I can usually deal with homophobic trolls that have no power over me.) At times I feel like it's all too much, and all I can do is crawl into bed for several hours. It's been hard to even think about Wild Arms without feeling this deep-seated pain that's difficult to describe.

And today, I realized, it may be because I've been doing all these things alone. I have so few best friends now, who talk to me daily and take an active interest in my welfare and hobbies. I do have lots of other friends, but I've lost my emotional rocks of Gibraltar for when times get really, really bad. I've been trying to be strong, but sometimes I'm not so strong, and just want my best friends.

Until then, it's been hard to pursue any of my hobbies with gusto. My MIDIs, my tvtropes work, gaming, my programming, my linguistics projects... I keep having to push myself hard to keep going while trying not to complain, gripe or whine, but lately I've been running on fumes. I'm not sure how long I can keep going until I crash and burn out.

I want my friends. Both in good times and in not-so-good times. Lately, even my few better friends haven't been able to do much more than tell me they don't know what to suggest. To be honest, I think probably what I really want is for my friends to be there, both in fair weather times and in harsh weather times.

At tvtropes it's been suggested that we rename the article BigBeautifulMan, to dissociate it from the particular article baggage of BigBeautifulWoman. Some good suggestions are ChubbyGuysAreHot, or HuskyAndHunky. Which sounds better? Or if you have a third option, suggest it.