It’s been a dark couple of years.
In 2020 I was grieving my father and feeling abandoned and alienated by friends. Society and life as I knew it was coming apart at the seams. I couldn’t even see my family for support. Pile all that on top of chronic depression, anxiety, unmet needs and unresolved trauma and I was a vulnerable mess. (Edit: I feel that being off my antidepressants and having no church/spiritual community to call home contributed to my poor mental state as well.)

I turned to online role play for escapism and solace (something I hadn’t done for about a decade). Most people I met through online RP communities were passive aggressive or just utterly uninterested in me or anything I had to offer. But I met one wonderful friend and we really hit it off.

I latched onto that person like a piece of flotsam in a stormy sea and held on for dear life.

Over the course of the next year and a half, I developed a pathological obsession with this person where my entire life pretty much revolved around trying to impress them and earn their attention, affection, and approval. For the first time in my life, I started believing in New Age concepts like the “Twin Flame” (the idea that a soul can be split between two people) and believed that this individual was the “other half” that would make me whole. I know that sounds insane, but I needed SOME kind of explanation for what I perceived.
My friend is a popular person, at least online, so I constantly felt like I was fighting and jostling for my seat at their table. I feared that I would be lost and forgotten among their crowd of wonderful friends. It was degrading, exhausting, and incredibly painful. It was an immense burden to hide my pain and deep insecurity. In reality they actually liked and respected me quite a bit, but they didn’t reciprocate the intense personal interest I felt. And at the end of the day, I loved them and hated myself, so I was doomed to be unhappy no matter what they said or did.

By prioritizing this person above myself, my husband, and my other friends, I did a disservice to everyone involved.

I learned that I was suffering from Limerence, a type of emotional dependency/person addiction that can arise as a symptom of deeper mental health problems. And as part of a larger self-care plan, I went No Contact with this person, to give myself time and space to heal. That was an incredibly difficult decision, but it was necessary in order for me to do the personal work I need to do.

I haven’t felt “Ok” for over a year and I don’t think I’ll feel Ok anytime soon, especially with winter and Seasonal Affective Disorder looming. I’m trying to re-establish a support network, but it’s rough going. I still get excluded from parties and gatherings. I text people for support and get monosyllabic responses. I know 95% of the time that stuff isn’t personal, but it hurts like hell. It’s the reason I fell so hard for a friend who reached out and (at least initially) made me feel like I was WORTH something. (It’s not fair or appropriate for me to lash out at anyone. I reserve the right to be a little ugly and immature online right now as I’m in unprecedented emotional territory.)

My friend (on the slim chance that you’re out there), my husband, my other friends: I’m sorry for everything. Bear with me. I’m going to do whatever I can to heal.

After years of making excuses and sitting on the sidelines, I participated in Art Fight this year for the first time. Art Fight is an annual month-long event run through https://artfight.net/ where you score points by drawing other people's characters. I would highly recommend it to anyone who is artistically inclined and has the time and energy to participate. I struggle terribly with artistic motivation and confidence, so finding an activity that actually motivated me to draw was very refreshing and rewarding. I only completed five pieces, all of them simple and imperfect. But that alone felt like a huge step in the right direction.

I was also pleasantly surprised that other people took enough interest in my characters to initiate art trades with me. All told, I drew five pictures that made people happy, and received five pictures that made me happy.

Now that Art Fight is over, I'm trying to find a way to keep this energy going—maybe participating in Art Fight mini-events, or Original Character Tournaments (which I just learned are a thing), or in art-based RPG games like Art Quest or Paper Demon.
https://www.nikhagialasart.com/artquest
https://www.paperdemon.com/app/home

As an aside, July has been a very tumultuous time, both at work and in my personal life. I would say that this is one of the scariest, darkest periods I've ever experienced. But I think I will look back on July 2022 as a time when I made the choice to step away from harmful habits, thoughts and relationships that were holding me back. A time when I took my life back into my own hands, and started to heal. Art is going to be a tool in that healing.
(Ninja edit: I’m not “cutting toxic people out of my life.” That’s a popular cultural self-care narrative but it would be inaccurate and lazy for me to use it. One of the hardest things I’ve had to learn and accept is that people can be good, but not good FOR you.)

I stumbled across  weird_swirl via the front page and fell in love with her dark storybook-like illustration style. I commissioned her for a piece inspired by a role play (https://www.furaffinity.net/view/41536164/) and it was pleasure working with her from start to finish. I contacted her March 25 and received the finished piece April 19. She's very reasonably priced and usually open for custom commissions and YCHs, so please check her out and consider commissioning her if you enjoy that style as much as I do.

I’m alive and healthy.
Thanks to a friend who saw potential in me and opened a door, I’ve been working at a sign shop since 2019. I’m deeply grateful to have steady work in an art/design-related field, because that was a dream I thought I’d have to give up on.

I’ve been happily married for four years to a smart, patient, funny and kind man who shares my furry proclivities. We have made a home together in Portland where we will probably live out the rest of our lives.

In February of 2020 I lost my dad to colon cancer. It was heart wrenching to see him slowly waste away over the course of a couple of years, but I appreciate being given the chance to say proper goodbyes and send him off in grace and peace. It was a twisted sort of blessing that he passed when he did, because he didn’t have to watch the events of 2020 unfold. And we were able to gather as an extended family and hold a proper service for him. I know families who lost loved ones in 2020 who didn’t have that opportunity.

Don’t expect too much activity from me here, because I rarely draw nowadays for a number of reasons. There’s slightly more activity on my alternative account ( clopandelarue) where I occasionally post commissions and photos.

If you need to get hold of me, your best bet is probably to email caribbeanpulse[at]gmail.com or message me on Telegram @ Clopan.

Please take care of yourselves and be good to each other.

My friend  coffeehousedog has a charming trio of enamel pin designs featuring canids and flowers, now available for pre-order.

African wild dog design: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/29977867/
Fennec design: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/29998361/
Wolf design: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/30024866/

These will be 1.75 inch pins. 1 pin is $10, 2 designs are $18, and the whole set is $24. Shipping is $4 within the U.S., higher internationally.

If you wish to order, e-mail her at Coffeehousedog[at]gmail.com

She will be taking orders through February. If not enough orders are placed to fund the production of the pins, they will not be produced and everyone who placed orders will be refunded.

I hope to have my fursuit character Clopan remade as a full digitigrade suit, and I'm currently communicating with a few potential makers. I may opt to have the head made by one maker and the bodysuit/remaining parts by a different maker.

Does anyone have experience commissioning a fursuit in this way? Would you recommend any makers who offer body suits and parts without requiring clients to commission a head?

2017 was an eventful year for me. In April I married Atrayu, my boyfriend of four years. I was a nervous wreck in the months leading up to the wedding, but when the day finally came, I was serenely calm and happy. Atrayu is the best thing that could have happened to me. He is a steadfast partner, a hard worker, an innovative thinker, and never fails to surprise and amuse me with his quirky humor and unique outlook on life. His loyal, patient love keeps me grounded and his passion for life inspires me to become the best version of myself I can be.

In June I was permanently laid off from my job at SolarWorld, a German-owned solar panel manufacturer. Their parent company filed for bankruptcy because they couldn't compete with their cheaper Chinese rivals. The American factory let 300 of their 800 employees go. Some, like me, had only worked there a couple years. Some had worked there a decade. I really needed to leave that place anyway—the commute was way too long and working 12-hour graveyard shifts while standing on concrete wreaked havoc on my body.

In July I started working at a company that processes and cleans machine parts for semiconductor manufacturers like Intel. I basically stand in a cleanroom all day washing, drying, and inspecting parts. The pay is significantly higher, the commute is much shorter, the work is more mindful, and the swing shift is much easier on my body and brain than graveyard shift was. That said, the company has some cultural and administrative problems and they force us to work way too much overtime. I don't know how long I intend to work here. I feel like it would burn me out in the long term.

In November, Atrayu and I bought a home. It's in southeast Portland, OR, about a mile east from where our apartment was. It's awesome to have a place to really call our own. The location is easily accessible, with many amenities close by, but still in a quiet and pleasant neighborhood. We now have plenty of room for animals, arts and crafts, tooling and tinkering, and hosting gatherings without feeling packed in like sardines.

Next month I'll hit another milestone: turning 30. Here's to a happy and healthy 2018.

I haven't updated my gallery since 2014, or my journals since 2015. My alternate account,  clopandelarue, is just as stale. In a previous journal I resolved to take no longer than a week to respond to messages and no more than two months without posting art. You can see that resolution went flying right out the window, and you could be forgiven for thinking I've abandoned FA. In reality I'm just lurking off-and-on. Drawing art, commissioning art, and engaging with people on social media have been pretty low priorities for me the past couple of years. Depression, anxiety, and neurotic hangups have strangled my creative and social urges and have made it hard to post anything. My memory and focus aren't so sharp, either.

I've been working at Solar World, a German-owned solar panel factory in Hillsboro, Oregon, since December 2014. I have a bachelor's degree in art, but I was too discouraged and disoriented after college to pursue anything in a creative field. I worked part-time in a gas station mini-mart deli for three years and despised it. I was desperate for ANYTHING else, and Solar World plopped into my lap. I work 12-hour graveyard shifts 3-4 nights a week, operating machines used in the production of solar cells. It's an entry level job and the pay isn't impressive compared to similar manufacturing and tech jobs. It's not mindless work, but if everything is running smoothly it can be very repetitive. This is absolutely not what I want to do in the long run, but it's allowed me to be financially independent from my parents for the first time in my life. The hours are steady, and I need that kind of security and structure.

In March of 2016 my dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 colorectal cancer. He was one of those guys who never go to a doctor unless something is obviously, terribly wrong–and even when something was obviously, terribly wrong (bleeding), he continued to avoid the doctor until he was in debilitating pain. Let me get preachy here. Don't be like my dad. If something is wrong, get it checked out. If nothing is obviously wrong, go to the doctor anyway and get the recommended screening tests for someone of your age and sex. If you wait until you're in terrible pain before seeking a diagnosis, it may be too late.

The second thing Dad's doctor said to him was, "This will eventually kill you." (How's that for bedside manner?) Surgery wasn't possible due to the location and stage of the tumors. His oncology team planned radiation and chemotherapy treatments that we all knew probably wouldn't cure him, but would hopefully extend and improve his life. Nearly a year later, Dad is still with us and has responded well to treatment. He is the same man I always knew, and if he didn't tell you, you probably wouldn't even know he's sick.

Around the time that Dad got ill, his troubled alcoholic brother showed up on our doorstep to stay with us for awhile. This was the motivation that I needed to pack up and move out of my parents' house, something I'd been wanting to do for a long time. I felt some guilt about "abandoning" Dad, but my parents assured me that everything was happening as it should. I moved in with my fiancé,  atrayu. As much as I complain about my ongoing struggles with depression, I have actually been much happier since I came here.

My uncle is now living in a halfway house and getting the support he needs. My parents are enjoying their retirement. Atrayu and I will be married this coming April. There are still challenges for us to overcome, but there is happiness and hope.

-I will be at Rainfurrest. It will be my only convention or big event of that sort in 2015.

-I won't arrive until Friday evening, because reasons. I'll be riding and rooming with my pal, "CoffeehouseDog" and my fiancé, "What's His Face." We'll be staying at the Rodeway, because we are cheapskates.

-Furry conventions are like college. Some people spend all their time going to classes (panels), others just party and get wasted and try to get laid. I'm the stick-in-the-mud panel-attending sort. That said, the only events that are non-negotiable for me are the fursuit parade and the fursuit games. Everything else I could take or leave.

-I will be running around as this goat, cosplaying as this schmuck, and combining the two (that is, Clopan the goat dressed like Clopin the human). You're going to hear me coming a long ways away, because I'll be wearing the most loud, annoying bells imaginable. Preceding me, you'll probably see a squirrel and a pastel African wild dog, desperately running to try to escape the sound of the bells.

-To spot me out of suit: http://www.furaffinity.net/full/6519792/ I'm the one on the lower left here, and will probably be wearing the same paint-splatter hoodie. I'll have shorter, darker hair and squinty eyes that are trying to adjust to not wearing glasses.

-I will come prepared to do art and will probably attend at least one art jam, but I'm not selling anything. My general "No commissions, no trades, no requests" policy still stands.

-I won't be dancing much because I have no rhythm or stamina.

-I may drink a little, but caffeine will probably be my drug of choice. Alcohol tastes nasty, makes me sleepy, and seems to increase my self-consciousness instead of alleviate it. That defeats the point of drinking.

-I probably won't do much that you couldn't show in Saturday morning cartoons, except shower and use the toilet.

-It's hard to spend substantial, quality time with people at cons. A lot of my interactions with people are brief hallway encounters as we bump into each other on our way to completely different destinations. I feel like a ping pong ball bouncing from place to place, and that's going to be exaggerated at this con because I only have about two days to cram everything in. That said, I try to be very polite, laid-back and approachable. I'd love to meet some new people and see people I haven't seen in a while. So if you see me, please say Hi.

Like this: "Hi."

If someone treated me the way that I treat my friends and watchers, I would be mad at them. I have a tendency to leave messages unanswered for months (or for forever) when it should just take a couple of minutes to respond. I also haven’t updated my galleries for well over a year even though I have new stuff to post.

These habits cause me a lot of shame and embarrassment. Unanswered messages make me look cold, a stagnant gallery makes me look lazy.

It’s hard to explain why I do this. I seem to have some weird, OCD-like tendencies when it comes to online activity. For example, I feel like I can’t post new stuff if I don’t have it all properly sorted in chronological order and if I don’t have all my messages answered and my inboxes cleared (Guess what? They never are).

There’s also some social anxiety at play here. For most people with social anxiety issues, the internet is the one way they can communicate with others comfortably. That’s not true for me. I go through periods where I just avoid all social media because it provokes a lot of discomfort. If anything, speaking to people face-to-face is EASIER because I have the advantage of body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice to convey and interpret meaning. If you take that all away and just communicate through text, I feel like I have to word things EXTREMELY carefully to avoid misinterpretation. It’s all too easy to shove messages aside and say “I’ll respond to those later when I’m in a better frame of mind,” then forget about them because that better frame of mind never comes.

If you feel I’ve given you the cold shoulder, please don’t take it personally. But if you say “To hell with it” and walk away, I’d understand. You wouldn’t be the first.

In the future, I’m going to try to make sure that I take no longer than a week to respond to messages, and go no longer than two months without posting something. If I can’t keep up that level of activity, then I really have no business being on this site at all.

I have done very little with my FA accounts over the past year. I check my FA messages fairly regularly, but my involvement with the community is often halfhearted and I produce new art only in a slow trickle.

In the near future I plan to FINALLY upload the few drawings I completed in 2014-2015, upload a handful of deserving older pieces I never posted, move some pieces in my galleries to scraps, and cull some old pieces from my scraps. My decisions about what to keep and where to put it can be arbitrary, so bear with me.

To my watchers: I sincerely appreciate your friendship and/or your interest in my work, and I hope to become more active here so you have an actual reason to watch me.
If you watch me here, please consider watching my alternate account,  clopandelarue. That's where I post fursuit related stuff and showcase my alter-ego/fursona, Clopan.

If you're one of the crowd who prefers Weasyl, you can find me there at DoorIntoSummer, but I have nothing posted there yet. I'm also on deviantart at CaribbeanPulse, but that page is even MORE neglected and outdated than my FA page. Again, I hope to change that in the future, but no promises.

A shout-out and special thanks to the folks who watched me since last April, in chronological order:

shia_collie

mizuiro

dyingstarembers

UnrivaledWolf

The-StarDog

mnty

troj

SteamySprinkles

Ognas

WhiteDragon589

Dru_Anderson

Ranft

kougamax

polarisbeaver

Zizzy--zazla--sibia

BrazenBull

CometCatCoon

Jessica_Whitetummy

-Vex-

Ranierfoxy

TheFallenPony

inzanesonikku

Toby512

Fluff-Off

Lumio_Draco

CagedSparrow

kaliZtor

d0e

Baphnedia

I'm a goat.

On a related note, hit F5 for a "new" avatar cropped from this badge by  lumaberry http://www.furaffinity.net/view/12048527/

...in case you were wondering.

I never planned on going to RF this year. I went to Campfire Tails in La Pine, Oregon instead. I sincerely didn't care about missing RF this year until very recently. Now I feel just a weensy bit of bitterness and jealousy. But I'm looking at a pile of student loan debt and I'd like to NOT live with my parents for the rest of my life, so I'm going to be more miserly with my money for awhile.

I'm really not sure what my con plans are for next year. I have sort of a personal policy of "only one con per year besides Furlandia." (Furlandia is practically in my backyard so it doesn't entail the travel costs that others cons do.) That "other" con could be Rainfurrest (Washington). Could be Biggest Little Fur Con (Nevada). Could be Rocky Mountain Fur Con (Colorado). Could be nothing. It all depends on my boyfriend's work schedule and my own employment situation (I am dying to get out of the ridiculous gas station deli I've worked at for three years).

If you're a furry, a woman (sex or gender-identity), and a resident of the Portland, OR area and want to hang out with others who fall under that umbrella, we still do the female furmeet at the Lloyd Center Mall every other Saturday at 5 PM. If you haven't attended yet, or attended once or twice a million years ago but haven't since, we'd love to see you there. We have some new-ish faces and a lot of artsy-crafty energy to bounce off of, if that's your thing. If sitting in a mall on a Saturday evening doesn't sound like something you'd be into, we're currently brainstorming other outings for the group.

The mall is 2201 Lloyd Center, Portland, OR 97232 and just off the Lloyd Center/NE 11th Ave MAX stop on the blue,red, and green lines. We meet in the food court by the Orange Julius. The next scheduled meet is April 19th. The first Saturday of every month is a co-ed meet in the same place near All-American Yogurt.

You can get regular reminders of the meet at www.meetup.com/RoseCityFur/ or connect with us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/groups/NWFotF/

There's a possibility that we'll reschedule the meet to be once or twice a month instead of bi-weekly, but the every other Saturday schedule holds for now.

Nope.

I have reluctantly decided to remove unfinished free requests or "gift" art from my list of owed art. I was really adamant about completing everything I ever said I'd do, but I offered things to too many people, too casually. Even having a fairly small list of undone projects hanging over my head was becoming a burden, and relieving myself of those obligations will make a big difference to me. At this time I need to pour as much of my limited artistic energy as I can into completing unfinished trades or commissions, and building my illustration and design portfolios. As of right now, I am working on a ref sheet and logo for  kitcatfurry and two badges for  boxymcboxbox.

In most cases I think people will just shrug this news off and not really care, but if you've been patiently anticipating a request or gift from me and you'd be genuinely disappointed if it wasn't completed, please talk to me privately and we can probably work something out.

I have resolved not to commission art in 2014. This applies to cons, and to getting commissions as gifts for people. There's a couple of reasons for this. One is that money is very tight. Shortly after Christmas, I experienced some major unexpected financial setbacks and had to beg, borrow, and rely on the generosity of loved ones just to make it through.

I'm also just trying to be conservative with what precious little income I have. My goal is to move out of my parent's house and be reasonably financially independent. That hinges on getting a better job, but also on being way more budget-conscious.

There's also a creative reason not to commission people: I need to push myself to draw my own characters. I've been relying on art commissions as a sort of "crutch," paying other people to execute my ideas because I'm too tired/depressed/busy/lazy to do it myself. That needs to stop.

I understand that some of you are hurting for money and rely on commissions, so I'll do what I can to promote and support you as a fellow artist. I'm not competing with you because I'm (generally) not accepting commissions myself.

I haven't actively role-played or written stories with my characters for a long time. I don't rule out the possibility of getting back into RPing or writing fiction again, but it's low on my list of priorities. Sometimes I wonder why I bother to develop characters at all if I don't use them in anything other than the occasional drawing. That seems like common practice in the furry fandom, to just have characters for the sake of having them. I guess I use my characters to acknowledge and express hidden parts of my personality. I also use them as lenses to peek through, to try to see things from different perspectives.

But because I haven't been using my characters in stories (written solely by me or written with others), I haven't given a whole lot of thought to the particulars of the world they inhabit. I usually picture my characters on an alternate earth where furries, humans, and non-anthropomorphic animals coexist, and stuff like magic exists but is not commonplace. The geography is similar to the real world but not exactly the same.

I used to try to come up with alternate names and histories for countries. That way I could fudge the details, since these were "fictional" countries and therefore I couldn't say anything "wrong." Nowadays I find that kind of dishonest, and more trouble than it's worth. I prefer to just call a spade a spade and use real country names. Summer was born in Australia but raised in America, Lazarus is from Australia, Benign is from Jamaica, Clopan is from France, etc. This requires more research on my part if I want to accurately depict foreign countries in my writing, but I think I prefer researching something real to just making something up. And if I STILL want to fudge the details, I can use the "alternate universe" loophole. If I choose to outright make up a country, there needs to be a darned good reason.

Right now, most of my characters cluster around a fictional city called Port Regal. It's still an undeveloped idea, but it's an American port town with a long, colorful history, sort of a mashup of Portland, Oregon and pre-Hurricane Katrina New Orleans. (The name is subject to change. Just now I Googled "Port Regal" and discovered that it's a location in a pirate game with furry characters, who'd have thunk? http://apiratesportal.com/)

My questions for you are...

-Where, and in what kind of world, do you picture your own characters living?
-Are there any tips, resources, or inspirations that you find useful when building a world around your characters?

What made you choose the species of your main fursona?
People tell me my fursona is unique because there are so few echidnas in the furry fandom, but there are actually MANY echidnas in the Sonic the Hedgehog fandom where my character originated. I didn’t choose the species to be “different,” I actually chose it to be like other people (so we’d have something in common). Knuckles the Echidna was my favorite character from the series. I liked the supporting echidna characters from the Knuckles comic books and the echidna fan characters I saw in the Sonic fandom. Being the descendants of a great “lost” civilization, echidnas had an exotic mystique in the Sonic mythos that other species didn’t have.

As I distanced myself and my character from the Sonic fandom, I became familiar with the real echidna species and felt it suited me well. They’re odd, quiet, solitary creatures. They aren’t predatory or aggressive. When threatened, they bury themselves in the ground so that only their spines are exposed, which can be a metaphor for how I protect myself and deal with problems. They aren't rare but they’re enigmatic. There are still a lot of unanswered questions about them, and researchers who study them are continually surprised. They're "primitive" because they're the only egg-laying mammals besides the platypus, so I see them as a link to the ancient world, sort of a living fossil. They cannot be collared or lured into traps, and they're difficult to contain. They're physically strong and long-lived. Echidnas are a good picture of both who I am and who I wish to be.

Is your fursona just like you, or how you want to be?
Summer is very similar to me as far as mannerisms, speech, values, and personality. That said, Summer has some advantages I don’t have: she has more money, she’s confident traveling and exploring on her own, and she’s much stronger than me physically.

Does your fursona have the same personality you have?
We’re very similar, but I’m more likely not to try something for fear of failure, while she’s more likely to try something without proper preparation and make a fool of herself. I’d also say she’s less jaded than I am and tends to romanticize things more.

Does your fursona have the same dislikes and likes as you do?
More or less, but she has wanderlust (which suits her species) and I’m more of a homebody.

Does your fursona look like you at all?
There’s not an uncanny resemblance, but there are several visual cues linking her to the real-life me: Height, body type, glasses, long hair, style of dress, how she carries herself, etc.

Is your fursona the same gender as you, if not why?
Yes, she is. I’m comfortable having a male character as a secondary fursona/alter ego, but having my main fursona share my gender just feels right and makes sense.

Do you have more then one main fursona?
My usual pattern is that I have Summer as my main fursona and one male character as a secondary fursona. The male character has to be someone I identify with, but with a different, distinct personality that acts as a counterpoint to Summer. That male character has changed a few times to suit my stage of life and changing interests. For MANY years, the position was held by Benign, a Rastafarian cat guy. For years I was actually better known online as “Benign” than as Summer. For a brief period my male “second in command” was Lazarus, a young Australian skunk priest, but I didn’t get Lazarus out there as much as Benign. My current male secondary character is my fursuit character  clopandelarue, a crafty goat street performer.

Do you have a back story for your fursona, if so does it have anything to do with your own history?
Like me, Summer is the product of a modest, sheltered early life in a rural area in the Pacific Northwest. That’s pretty much where the similarities end.

Summer’s history (as I currently see it) is that she was born in Australia (in January, which is summer there) to a young unwed teenage mother and given up for adoption. Her adoptive human parents split up when she was very young. Her adoptive mom got full custody and moved to be near family in western Oregon, taking Summer with her. Summer’s mom, the sole breadwinner, worked long hours so Summer was basically a latchkey kid in an isolated, wooded area where she had to spend a lot of time alone. Because of this, Summer developed a naturally shy personality and is a little socially stunted. She sort of plodded through life without much purpose or ambition, feeling trapped in a mediocre existence and finding solace in TV programs and magazines that allowed her to vicariously explore the world. After winning a sizable amount of money in a lottery as an older teen, she refashioned herself as a traveler and explorer of sorts.

I have mixed feelings about giving my self-insert character a lot of money that she didn’t earn. It just looks like fantasy fulfillment (and it partially is), but it has been part of the character for a long time. I’m interested in odd, ne’erdowell characters whose lives are changed by a sudden windfall. (See “My Name is Earl” or even “The Beverly Hillbillies.”) Summer’s wealth isn’t enough to comfortably last her forever, so she has to tackle the task of finding her niche so that she can actually earn a living. I see Summer’s character arc as a gradual move from naïve to savvy, and from “traveling for fun” to actually making discoveries and contributing to the world.

Is your fursona mated, if so is it to your real life significant other?
I guess Summer is unofficially dating my real life boyfriend’s squirrel fursona,  atrayu, but I might depict her as single and unattached depending on the context.

If not are they looking for a mate, or are they a swinger so to speak?
Summer is devoutly monogamous and not in the market for a mate or playmate. Even if I depict her as single, she’s not actively looking. Like me, she’s exceedingly picky and a very late bloomer when it comes to interest in men.

Is there something special about your fursona that you think sets them apart from others?
I’d say her unusual species and appearance sets her apart. There are very few non-Sonic-based echidna characters in the fandom (or in media), and the ones that exist are all drawn very differently from each other.

Do you have much art of your main fursona/s?
There are many, many old drawings of Summer’s previous incarnations in my scraps and a small handful of pictures of her in my gallery. Only the most recent one is “current” to how I visualize the character.

At my last count, I have 30 pictures of Summer drawn by other people. My favorite is a badge by Onnanoko, here: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/11157057/ (Although she’s considerably more busty than she should be.) An old friend also recently surprised me with this wonderful piece, which shows another side to Summer’s personality and acts as a perfect complement to the Onnanoko picture. http://logic-monkey.deviantart.com/.....ight-420718525

Would you ever consider parting with your main fursona, if so why?
I think being a furry will always be a part of me, but there may come a time when I “grow out of it” and put it aside because it no longer reflects my interests or the person I have become. The same is true of Summer.

Recently I’ve become more known in the local furry community for my goat persona (Clopan) than my echidna one. I considered changing Summer to a goat, giving her a goat form, or just making “Summer goat” into a separate character altogether. I played around with that idea by commissioning this picture: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/12048527/ and this one: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/12326402/ After awhile I decided that I identify with Summer (and with echidnas in general) too much to suddenly swap her species or change characters after all these years. Summer-goat will remain as an idea, while Summer-echidna and Clopan will remain my established characters.

If you suit, do you have a suit of your main fursona?
I have a suit of Clopan, not Summer. I have wanted a custom fursuit of my own character for MANY years, and when that finally became a possibility, I deliberately chose not to commission a Summer costume. The main reason for that is that Summer’s personality is too close to mine, and “playing” myself didn’t sound like very much fun. I think it’s way more interesting and fun to “become” a character very different from my everyday self.

Another reason for not choosing a Summer suit are that she’d be a very obscure species done in a cartoony, stylized way, so nobody would recognize what she is. It would be harder (and less fun) for me to play an echidna than a goat, because echidnas don’t make noise or have colorful behaviors that people recognize.

Finally, Summer is a HARD character to translate into a fursuit because of her big mane of dreadlock-quills. Making something that looks good and is wearable and structurally sound would be a challenge for even the most skilled builders. I found a fursuit with a similar headpiece to what I wanted (http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5914762/), but I found out from the owner that the quills were too heavy and keep pulling the head backward, making it a pain in the butt to wear. Maybe I’ll have a Summer suit made someday, but I’m good for now.

Have you ever roleplayed with your main fursona, or do you prefer not to?
I roleplayed with Summer as far back as age 12, when I wrote collaborative stories on a Sonic forum and with my classmate. In my teens and early twenties, Summer was part of the cast of characters I used on public forums and in private instant messenger roleplays. Eventually I gave up roleplaying because it felt burdensome and because my main roleplay partner became a toxic influence in my life. Sometimes I think it would be nice to roleplay with trusted friends again, but it’s not high on my list of priorities.

That said, I liked roleplay because it placed my characters in unexpected situations and brought out unexpected sides of their personalities. It’s a great character-development tool.

Do you consider your main fursona to be a part of you in any way?
I think that should be obvious by now.

I just cleared out my page shouts (I'd let them accumulate since 2010) and it was a real blast from the past. A few people who left shouts are people I have burned bridges with. (Note: You have to behave REALLY badly for me to actually choose to cut off contact with you). In some cases I didn't burn the bridge, but just let it fall into disrepair. In most cases, my relationship with the person leaving the shout has changed significantly over the past few years. Many of the shouts triggered memories of first meetings or events that I had sort of forgotten.

It's goofy to say this but I get "nostalgic" at times for how things were in 2009-2010, both in the local furry scene and my life in general. That was the start of a new chapter of my life because I was beginning my studies at Portland State University and just discovering the local furry scene. I believed that I was capable of graduating with a graphic design degree and that I was capable of (and suited to) being a graphic designer. I didn't know anything about the size or scope of the local furry community so it seemed like I was always discovering new people and being greeted with open arms. Maybe I was just naïve at the time, but it seemed there was a "warmth" and genuine openness to the community then that isn't there anymore.

For me, things started going downhill in 2011. I didn't pass the Sophomore Graphic Design Portfolio review, meaning that I couldn't continue my studies in the graphic design program. I know I didn't deserve to pass. My submission was an illustration portfolio pretending to be a graphic design portfolio. My typography was weak (and I didn't have enough examples of it) and my craftmanship was poor. I had the choice of trying again in one year (possibly to fail again) or cutting my losses and trying to pursue a different degree. I chose the latter because I was able to put a lot of the credits I had already earned towards an Art Practices degree with a minor in Graphic Design. (I just graduated with that degree this past Fall.)

Not passing the Portfolio review was a big blow to my artistic and professional confidence that I never really recovered from. Meanwhile, I watched the local furry community's "warmth" go cold. The goofy, good-natured absurdist humor turned more nihilistic. People would openly, persistently express hostility and contempt for each other and then in the next breath talk about how we need to "bring the fandom together." Today we're better connected than ever through Facebook groups and meetup.com and we even have a con of our own, disproving the people who said a Portland furry con could never happen. But some things that I liked and valued are gone.

Normally I don't post two journals in a row, I like to let a journal "age" a bit on my page, like artisanal cheese. But this is time-sensitive, and I'm in journal-posting mode, so:

I'm strongly considering applying for the Baku Collective, a two-year art course run by  sigil. It's aimed at furry illustrators in particular, and meant to help them improve their work. From what I can understand, it's also meant to help participants break out of the "expected" furry style and increase the crossover appeal of their work, so that they are better prepared to do illustration work not specifically aimed at the furry fandom. I like the idea that we would view and critique each other's work as a group. It seems to be free, but the catch is, it's a two-year commitment.

More information (and a link to the application) is available here: https://www.weasyl.com/journal/2090.....tarts-feb-2014
Sigil will be going over applications starting January 14 and the course will start this February.

So far I have attended four furry conventions: Campfire Tails 2010, Rainfurrest 2011, Furlandia 2013, and Rainfurrest 2013. This coming year I plan to attend only the two Oregon cons: Furlandia and Campfire Tails. Furlandia is a new con that made its debut in Portland, Oregon in May of 2013. It's practically right in my backyard so I would commute to it rather than stay at the hotel. I'm still deciding whether I'll volunteer again (and how much), or just go as an attendee. In any case I'll be there, and I'll be suiting as Clopan.

Campfire Tails is a large furry campout near Bend, Oregon. It's less of a traditional con and more of a mini furry Burning Man. It has a special place in my heart as my first con, and I'd like 2014 to be my triumphant return to CFT (sans fursuit, because it's too hot and dusty to be fursuit-friendly).

The theme for Furlandia 2014 is "300 B.C." and the theme for CFT 2014 is supposedly the Oregon Trail a.k.a. "Caulk your wagon and float it" (a reference to the Oregon Trail computer games). So I'm trying to brainstorm art and costumes that would be appropriate.

I appreciate any feedback, but watches are particularly appreciated. When you watch me, I interpret that as a sign that you like what you see and you'd like to see more, and/or a sign that you'd like to get to know me better. I'm sorry that you guys got to see so little from me in 2013. This year was a vast, barren desert for new art, for a lot of reasons. Most of them you've heard before, and none of them amount to a good excuse. I'm going to try to make sure that isn't the case in the new year.

For some reason, I let "new" watches accumulate in my inbox for one year. In chronological order, thank you to the following for giving me your vote of confidence:

Vernfeathers
Darkie
Rastafarianlion
Atrayu
Kejehara
Kirazi
Sabrinageek
Safyras
Angelblancoarts
Strawberrytartpelt
Jackie-Foxx
LiamEinarr
Zipperthewolf
Starling
Eaite
Rainestallion
Not_original77
Darkshadowfoxx
Cavemahon
Odie_husky
Corranfox
Laylabelle09
Matsuwolfess
Great_Nix_Fox
-Hornbuckle-
Journal-watch-wolf
Ren_the_white_tiger
Pepper_husky
OmegaSk8r182
Aqwers_Swiftpaw

Like so: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4031172/

It feels weird to have other people's art sprinkled throughout my gallery. But I'd still like art that other people do for me to be publicly posted up somewhere. Some people solve this problem by making a separate FA account especially for their gift art/requests/commissions. I made  echidnaenchiladas with that purpose in mind, but then had second thoughts, so that page sits empty. I'm under the impression that people's "alternate" accounts are usually ignored, so if you want people to actually SEE something, you should post it on you most well-established account.

I suppose I could just post stuff on that account anyway and link to images here if I REALLY insist on you guys viewing them. Otherwise I could just throw them all up somewhere off-site. Photobucket or something. I'd appreciate your thoughts, if you have any. In any case, I'm probably going to be removing any art not done by me from my page soon.

This is some slightly-edited copypasta from my deviantart page (CaribbeanPulse), which I hope to get active again after a long hiatus. But I figured it applies here, too.

-I'm 25 now. Holy crap.

-I still live in the Portland, Oregon area, way out in the country. I have lived in the same place my entire life. It's beautiful out here, but I'd live elsewhere if I could afford to. I'm too far from everything useful or fun. The roads are terrible. There's no cable, and you still can't get high speed internet, decent cell phone reception, or satellite TV out here. The main issue, though, is that I'm grown. I'm my own person, and I have accepted that my parents and I (especially my father) will never see eye-to-eye on some crucial things. Even when things are "peaceful," there is a toxic level of tension and resentment just under the surface. Every day. That takes its toll on me.

-I will probably move out after I finish college .I was supposed to graduate from Portland State University with a B.A. in graphic design. That didn't happen. In your sophomore year you have to submit a portfolio of your work so they can evaluate whether you "deserve" a spot in the upper-level classes. Many people do not pass. My sophomore-level work wasn't deemed good enough, so they did not allow me to continue in the program. That was a really big blow to my confidence that I never really recovered from. To try to salvage my losses, I changed to an Art Practices major. Basically a generic "little bit o' this, little bit' of that" fine arts major. It's been a long, strange trip, but I'm set to graduate this Fall with a B.A. in Art Practices (with a minor in Graphic Design and a minor in Writing).

-I'm really not sure what career path I will pursue after college. I have a lot of research and soul-searching to do in a relatively short amount of time. I've been so focused on the present, just getting through each day, that I haven't given the future as much thought as I should.

-I am an introvert, and I struggle a lot with anxiety and depression, not to mention ADD-like symptoms. For some people, their pain fuels their creative side. For me, it kills it. That's a large part of why I am not very productive or prolific and have precious few finished pieces to show from the past few years.

-I work in a gas station mini-mart deli. Before that, I worked at the Subway next door. Before that, I worked at a different Subway. I don't like working in food establishments. If nothing else, THAT motivates me to finish college and find a better job.

-I would like to get back into cartooning/illustration and fiction writing, because I feel those are important parts of me that have been lost. I am so rusty and so self-conscious that just picking up a pencil or sitting down at the keyboard provokes anxiety and becomes extremely awkward. It's like getting onto a bike only to suddenly realize you forgot how to ride, and you fall over. I feel miles behind my peers, and it's disheartening.