Just ooooone last reminder, seeing as I'd hate to have to leave someone out who went and missed out just because.

This account is going bye bye, and I'll be moving on to my next account, found here!

 Roose

Lots and lots of fun and giggles and shmexy and drawings of mine and of other artists! Come join in the fun and discover the slick butterjackal that is Roose! :3

Moving over here, ya buttbuttBUTTS~

 Roose

Gags in space, time, different dimensions, magic, alleyways, gloryholes, and Portal holes!~ C'mon over and watch some shtuff as a butterjackal learns about life! And then eats toast!

Watchers watched, submissions moved, excited for the future of what I want to do. x3

Once again, in case you're someone who's been autodeleting through journals, just one more reminder.

I'm now at this account! Come around for lots of fun tall tales in space and in magic, in freak shows and in dirty bathrooms!

 Roose

Gonna be lots going on with this account, would love ya to death if ya watched~ <3

Stay cool, ya poolboys. <3

Aaaand the art has been taken care of, the important journals tucked away, and I'm ready and steady.

Moving's a hassle no matter what style it happens in, it seems. =w=

Anyways, more reminders, and now an official date, as you can see.

On August 31st, on an indiscriminate time, DuncanPuff will be no moar.

Save things you want and such, before time runs out. Will be posting journal reminders over the next few days to continually remind just in case.

Come on over here to where I'll be next, woo! :D

 Roose

Just went through 600+ people that I watch, to sort apart the ones that I want to rewatch on the next account...yeesh.

It's nice to go through and see what it is I like now, and to clean out the dead accounts, but god my head hurts.

If I missed someone that I've forgotten to get back in, then whatever; my new watches are composed of favorite current artists that keep up semi-a lot, and then my friends, and then some characters I like just looking at up and down and imagining covered in butter. *coughcough*

Anyways, this is meaning that I'm gonna be ready to transfer over to the other account pretty soon, just going to be taking care of the art and looking through stuff to see what it is I'd like to move around, what it is I find important, etc.

For those of you who didn't catch the last journal who actually somewhat watch me, I'll be moving to this account soon, instead.

 Roose

You can read why in the last journal here.

Considering that I'm starting to get on a roll with  Roose , I'm realizing that this account is kind of...counterproductive. :P It's not like I /don't/ enjoy getting to just put whatever on this account, but this account was meant to be for fun. And frankly, having to move forwards and backwards and sideways and up, aka as back and forth between this account and the other, is more of a hassle than a leisure.

I'm thinking of this as a step forward for me from being a casual furry into being someone more comfortably me...which for unknown reasons became a redpanda/jackal/butter dude. But I'm so much happier this way~ *wobblewubblejigglemelt*

Having said all that.

Those few people who do watch me and read these journals, being a handful out of the 51... Feel free to come on over, once again, to  Roose , where I'll continue lots more shenanigans.

Got plenty of plans for things here... Stories, "space journalings", fun doodles, friend doodles, dooblydooobles, commissioned art, and quite possibly...a continuing episodic comic about Roose's life and friends and world~ Well, universe.

He's a...what's a good word for it...

..a space...farter. =w=

You'll understand when we get into it.

Anyways, see y'all on the flipside~

*butterlicks* :9~
______

Sidenote: Not all art from here will be transferred over to Roose's side. No real reason besides laziness and relevance. =w= I've got over 600 watches that I want to re-go through again as well to check relevance, so that'll be a pickle as well.

Oh, also...keeping Duncan. He'll always be mine. He's in fact gonna be in these upcoming comics, all of my characters, including adopts, will be there...~

*looks at my watchlist and groans, but stomachs it as I start to jump into this*

I'll be posting a journal several days before I leave, and then delete the account altogether three days after posting said journal. So ya get this journal as a warning, and then a 3-day warning...so...yeah. Either ya discover me later when I'm SOOOO FAMOUS (jk, pfft), or ya lose me forever. It's not like I hate anyone or don't want to see anyone, ov....just...idk. JUST. DO IT. *clenching of arms in beetle claw formation downwards*

ALRIGHTBAIGOTLOTSTODOALSONEEDSLEEP

Even though they're there for me and don't complain just because they say that it's because they love me, I have to say...I don't deserve the friends that I have right now. I really don't.

They are so unbelievably supportive of me in my darkest times, even when I'm in those darkest times for what I believe to be pretty baseless, childish reasons.

I've lived most of my life honestly believing that when I got in trouble, I deserved it. And most of the time, as a kid, I probably did. I did a lot of things just because it was based off of what I wanted in the moment. I used to be a little kleptomaniac and stole Game Boy Advance games right out of Gamestops. I stole candy from shops, and toys from other kids. I lied a lot because it was like writing the truth in a better way. I even got caught on a naval base trying to steal a PS2 game out of a navy exchange (basically a military Walmart.) From a technical standpoint, I was a pretty bad kid.

And sure, I could sit down and blame my parents for not showing me much love or attention to the point where I had to do things for attention, or I felt like I was always being too good or no one cared, but I've never believed in cop-outs or escaping judgment...Or at least I was never great at it.

But...why.

After so many years of being a kid who couldn't make his parents happy, or be a good brother to my sister, or wake up one day not feeling like a lie...

What did I do to deserve good people in my life.

My boyfriend, my "papa", and my "papa" inlaw...They've been such amazing rocks in my life, more than anyone.

I'm sorry if there's anyone else out there who's reading this who's not being included and thinks they should be; whoever you are, I'm sure that I love you too...But these are people who've just...they go above and beyond what most people consider to be normal between "friends."

My "papa" inlaw...He's so cool. He's SO cool. But he's not cool in the way that most people consider cool, per se. But that's not even an insult, because the definition/connotation of cool that people have is dumb. I don't write the world's rules, but...If anyone was to be cool by my definition, it would be him. He's silent, but not because he's ignoring you. He speaks occasionally, but never without reason. He smiles, and you feel blessed to be there for the moment.

My "papa"...is just...gweh, got a lot to say, but idk...how I was able to find someone as wonderful as him. For those who would sit down and imply, no he's not like a "sugar daddy" or anything shmexual (though we occasionally poke fun and are buttbuddies to an extent)...You know how sometimes online, someone sends you hugs or kisses, and you're just kind of "meh"? More than anyone..He makes me feel so hugged when he sends his. He makes me feel like I've been forgiven, and then flashes the most gorgeous, heartwarming smile, metaphorically, that makes everything alright.

My boyfriend...Well, not just my boyfriend, I've proposed and he's accepted...Well actually fuck that too, because fiance doesn't even encompass who we are to each other. It's like we used to be one person and then we were torn apart and raised in different parts of the world. And seeing each other...meeting each other...realizing our lives and what things have been like...The idea of soulmates comes to mind, for sure. We smile, and we know the other is smiling. But it's like we can't tell whose smile encouraged the other first, like some chicken/egg debate. We still don't know the answer...but we've come far enough to know that we don't care.

AND ALSO. Can I just say...You know what the best thing about these people is?

They're REAL. And I'm not just talking about the fact that we've skypecalled and slept together in a hotel(boyfriend), they are REAL PEOPLE. With LIVES. And HURT. I mean I don't approve of them getting hurt, but it's happened, and I approve of the fact that they're still here.

They're not just these heroes that I've presented them to be above. Their problems are obviously their own to decide who to tell it to, so I won't go into those details here, but I can say that each of the people above have had lives. They have had pain that they shouldn't have had, considering the wonderful people that they are now. But then you sit down and realize that if they hadn't gone through that pain, they couldn't have become the people that they are now, in the first place. It's that moment where you realize that you're not sure what you want more for them, or how to be there for them, because you have a million things that you wish you could do for them, be for them.

They've invited me into their lives...and I cry a lot sometimes when I realize everything that that means and implies. I won't let what you believe me to be go to waste...I'll always work to be your guyses' Duncan, Buttahbutt, nagadaddy, etc.

I love you guys...thank you.

Seems like I've gotten most of the stuff over...Depending on how things go, I might just save this profile for Duncan stuff, now that I think about it. But yeah, I'm gonna start popping the art off of this that's already on the other account, so if you want it, go GET IT

*throws it over at  Roose *

True stories, people, true stories.

I am about to get the tool of the revolution...the drawing tablet. Coming in Monday. And at the same time, I will be learning how to handle teh picarto.

I will warn you...I am...*sighs*

I have...a background. And I can tangent and talk a lot. If I was white and in Cali (or wherever the fuck they are), I would probably be in Game Grumps, I assure you. I will go into a lot of off-color humor, and most likely say extremely offensive things. I'm a connoisseur of...extremely bad...EXTREMELY bad jokes. Of many different varieties and colors and natures. You know how some people have Asperger's and aren't aware of social constructs in human society? I kind of have that...but I don't. I just have it in a sort of natural way because I've been travelling all over the world so much that frankly my best experiences have been born out of just being a jackass and then smiling and laughing with the people that I'm talking with as I learn new things.

But anyways...If watching streams is something ya like to do. I will eventually do that. And who knows, if I get REALLY confident, I might ask  Ryarik and  Kony_Kon if I can multistream with their cool butts. xP Whatever happens, happens, I guess. Here's hoping. :D

I'll obviously post when I start to stream, so no worries on getting left out. I'll usually have a normal stream day on my days off of midnight shifts...which is about two days a week, with different variations, depending on how much of a jackass my managers want to be to me. I will post a journal the day before, just in case, tho.

So excited, see ya guys there! :D

Decided to start doing occasional freebie offers on pencil/inks. This is pretty hobbyish, and I'm used to doing silly things mostly...in fact, if what you want is silly, I almost always will prioritize what you're asking for, depending on what you want. But yeah, ahm....I do things like these kindsa things.

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/17203787/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/17185377/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/17184690/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/17174363/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/17174223/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16656533/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16544027/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16517015/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16200578/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16351731/

Anyways, if you'd like to get something fo FREEEEE, comment below with the following, in terms of what you would like and wish to list:

- Character refsheet(s). [Limit 3-5]
- What you want drawn involving said character(s).
- If you'd like it to be a sketch, a finished picture without ink, or a finished picture with ink.
- A vegetable that hasn't been listed yet in the comments. Fictional vegetables also acceptable, such as man-eating tomatoes, or cowbeef asparagus. But only if you describe them and what they do.

I will pick and choose from the list, I'm only one man of limited talent. =w= But I could do as little as three of them, or as many as all of them depending on my mood, so please don't let me miss out on a great idea, if you've got one! :3 As far as how quickly I will get through these, these will mostly be done in a pretty freely timed manner, though I promise not to take much longer than a week, and that's an emergency maximum, usually.

IMPORTANT NOTE: I'm...not as great at lewd as I'd like to be, so if you ask for lewd...I'll definitely try, but don't expect anything amazing. I'll eventually get to the point where I can make lewd actually worth money, but until theeeeen...I'm more comfortable drawing cats wearing clothes made out of tacos.

Yeeahhhhh...idk if it's the creation of Roose, but I'm having a minor hump in my drawing curve of drawing stuff lately, just a lot more excited to do stuff lately.

I'm planning to get myself a drawing tablet and SAI once my next paycheck rolls in. And that's going to be...interesting, for sure. There might even be...color?! In my pictures?!! WAAT

I love realizing that I'm about to do something new and cool, it gets me so pumped. If anyone has any tips, tricks, and/or advice, I'll be happy to accept.

And...if no one minds that there's a good chance that I could end up not being that great, I might offer freebies. I'll do it like a friend of mine does it, most likely: When the time comes, I'll post a journal that'll be titled "Freebie" or "Dingleberry" or some kinda thing, eventually, and then you can comment with your refsheet and what you want me to draw.

I'm just curious, because I found out something that I didn't know I didn't know at AC...

Fursuits are...made of fur. :I

xD

But no, but like...I always figured that at least some of them would be synthetic, but I bought a tail at Anthrocon and found out that I was allergic to it. :I (I have an animal dander allergy, please don't tell me what the ironies are being a furry)

Having said that...I wanted to eventually have a suit. But...i have no idea if I can get a nice, affordable one made that'll be hypoallergenic (alright for allergic people like me to use without suddenly suffocating on my own mucus)

If anyone knows anything, that'd be great.

There are times when I have so many things to say about everything that's wrong with my life. And arguably, I still have a good mouthful to say right now. But I'll say it some other time. It'd be disrespectful to one of the greatest things that have ever happened to me.

I just went...to my first convention. I had never even so much as attended an anime convention, big or small, of any kind, anywhere. And now, I had gone to one.

Not only was it a convention...it was Anthrocon. Anthro fucking con.

Also...I met my boyfriend for the first time. We kissed and hugged and such. All of it was awkward and wonderful.

This...is the point where I want to start listing everything that went wrong...but I won't. I don't think I have enough people in my life who care anymore who'd want to know anyways.

---

Separate note from it all...considering making a new FA. I want to sit down and take this seriously. More updates on it later or whenever or whatever.

IM HERE GUYS WHUT

Never would have guessed I'd make it this far. :o
But here I am. x3 Gonna be doing my best to enjoy myself here.

Met my boyfriend for the first time...that was...awkward and beautiful.

I'm complete as a person, officially.

Farfetch'd and Psyduck and Golduck. I want characters made of them and drawn together. They have to be ghey of course.

Farfetch'd might be on the list of the most underrated pokemon ever. I'm not even talking about the fact that he's a crit master with his Stick attached and his infamous Slash. "Lore" wise, they're a race of birds that would literally die off if they didn't have their sticks, and will literally put their lives on the line protecting said stick. And they will even fight with others for better sticks. And they will use that stick throughout their lives as weapons, nest material, and as emergency food sources. That...might be the most character-producing lifestyle I have ever heard behind a pokemon aside from maybe these weirdass Shuppets and Banettes. *cringe*

Psyduck and Golduck I think I don't really have to speak for much. But watch me.

Psyduck is just the most loveable thing. He's like if you gave a duck a slight growth hormone and then gave it my sense of humor and understanding of the world. My understanding of what it would be like to have him in my life would be us both watching TV, hearing a joke on TV, both of us looking at each other, going "Whaaa?" "Psyyy?" And then hugging when we realize that it really wasn't supposed to make sense. And the fact that it's born and lives with a constant headache. I think I'd probably spend a majority of my time doting over him and doing everything I could to relieve his headache. So much story that could come out of a Trainer trying to treat a Pokemon in a way that actually moves him away from what gives him access to his most potent powers (The way that Psyducks access their psychic power is that their headaches eventually become so intense that they, in my theory, access a part of their brain necessary to withstand and overcome the pain, but at the same time also gives them access to parts of their brain that have accelerated function to the point where they can move things with their mind and use mental attacks against enemies).

Golduck...let's talk about Golduck for a second.

So I'd straight up bone him.

That's...we're going to just straight up say that. Right now. And he's a pokemon with psychic ability, he'd know what was on my mind. And if he nodded, I would happily...HAPPILY bend over. Or take him. Whatever he chose.

SEXUAL preferences aside. Look at this bitch. "Lore"wise, he will save people from shipwrecks, and is equipped to do so, since he has telepathy to search for them, and the swimming ability to swim through even the worst storms.

And this is obviously not canon, but...look at the way he is.

http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Golduck_(Pok%C3%A9mon)

The way his body is formed...If you reformed the beak and gave him, idk...Bat wings? What would he look like? *coughdefinitelynotadragoncough*

I've always seen him as a Pokemon that exudes a sense of royalty, a sense of smooth, regal manner. A man with the stature of a king, but the relatability and handsomeness of a prince. Just...ugh. Would baaaang. Would BAAAAANNNGGGG.

WOOOOOOO

One whole year with my hubhub.  Arrc-Kun

Gonna be spending my time today just...being with him, if you don't mind.

Love the butt off of this guy. He requires all my time.

And that's not a crime.

I like lemon and lime.

And that's the end of this RHYME.

*KLAXONBAAOOOWWWWWWBABABABABAAOOOOWWWWWWW*

Seeya whenever I get out from under the enormous asspussy that is my waifu's love.

Serioussidenote:

I love you so much, sweetness. You've saved me in so many different ways. I can only hope that one day, I'll be the man you believe me to be, even if you believe I am that right now. I can be so much better, and I'll be that for you, and no one else. Keep being the sweet, kind person that breaks up fights that you pass by, and wants to kick Mickey in the nuts with me when we go to Disney World.

Now get on this DIC--tionary, and find me the word DIC--tion, so that we can properly DIC--tate the proper verbiage for penis injections.

..is that I might never have a good relationship with my parents. Which is a shame, because..I mean..do I have to explain that?

They're both terribly interesting, too.

My mom had a dad who introduced her to a lot of music at an early age, and she actually became such a singer in the Philippines when she was younger that she sang in front of hundred person crowds for concerts.

My dad grew up without a father, and to take care of their family, he and his brothers ran a bakery to work up barely enough money to feed all of them. This was in a time where the poor level was like Aladdin in...uhm...Aladdin. :P

And when he met my mom, he vowed that he refused to marry her unless he knew that he would be able to support her. And that wasn't a bluff or an excuse to show that he wasn't man enough. He ended up joining the military and doing it all.

And on top of all that...at the heart of who they were, I believe that they were rebels. For those who aren't aware, the Philippines ran a lot on either superstition or Catholicism. And my parents grew up in those times. And they pushed away all of that because they had a belief in each other that they were more than the situation that they were in. So they became Protestant and moved away from there, finding a better life.

I don't think a lot of people understand the courage and the utter balls it takes to straight up remove yourself from the life that you're in. From the circumstances and responsibilities. And to do so in a way where you're not trying to just escape responsibility, you're leaving that responsibility because you could see clearly that that responsibility was more of a chain, rather than something that was there to benefit you.

They rebelled against who they were, the lives they were in...because they knew that there was a better life out there to be living.

And now...it's going to be my turn to rebel.

And not because I'm just being an angsty teenager that refuses to listen to my parents.

I'm rebelling because I can see that the person who I am isn't going to grow into the amazing me of the future unless I break free of the one-way lane of the life I'm in right now.

I'm not trying to escape the responsibility of the family that I was a part of, I'm trying to take my first step as...myself, I guess. And at the same time, I want to make my decision in a way where my family doesn't feel pressured to have to just be okay with my decision. My beliefs aren't their beliefs, and their's aren't mine.

I'm not gay and a furry because I want to fight against the state.

I'm gay and a furry because I would definitely bang WereGarurumon.

Maybe I'll be able to tell it to their faces one day, maybe I won't...

But mom..dad..I love you both. I struggle with who you are, and sometimes who you were could have done better to raise me in quite a few spots, but you both did literally everything you could considering what life had given you. You've made lots of mistakes with me, but that's life.

Being a parent isn't the Superman monolith that everyone believes it to be, I see it every night when I go to my midnight shifts and I see the mothers and fathers there that I work beside.

Men with issues that they don't or can't talk about, not out of shame, but out of a lack of a proper time to bring it up without sounding like we're whining uselessly.

Women who take on the problems of the world when it comes to their children, but have to smile and drive home after getting overworked by Walmart and having cans of soup fall on their heads and toes.

I can finally say what it means to be an adult, in my opinion, at least...

It's not having stress, or seeing things as they are, because anyone can eventually do that.

If being an adult is anything...it's understanding that everyone has troubles. And floundering because you realize that there's a million things that could go wrong for either you, that person, or both of you.

But knowing that you're going to take that first step to do something, because you know that if you sit for too long, you're going to start thinking far too hard about the situation and hurt yourself.

*sighs*

If there's any wish in my heart, for the longest time, it's that one day, I'll be able to wake up and know that my parents will be okay with who I am.

But I can't. I probably won't, for a long time. I mean hell, they're not even okay with me while I'm closeted.

But I can't tell them what to believe, for obvious hypocritical reasons.

And I never would, even without those reasons.

*rubs my face and groans*

I dun like mai ramblen. I ged tuu growsss.

Apologizing is a sacred thing. And abusing the privilege and act of it is something I can't tolerate.

So much in my life, my parents have lost their temper, said things about me behind my back, and up to one point, straight up told me that they if I wasn't there, their lives would be so much easier. And I don't deny any of that fact either, I'm below average in terms of being a person.

But one thing I hate...is when they repeatedly apologize "from the heart."

If you're repeatedly apologizing, (by which I mean apologizing, the person going through the problem, apologizing, the person going through the problem, apologizing), it means several things.

One, you haven't learned shit from any of the first times you got into that situation. (Times intentionally plural. I was going to say "first few" or "first million", but I'm not into needless exaggeration, or at least at the moment, I'm not)

Two, it means that you're not really sorry for what you did, you just know that you fucked up, and you want to save face in some kind of way.

And you know what?

These two things aren't what I hate about repeatedly apologizing.

I'm a fuck-up, as my parents have taught me. And I've buried that deep into my soul and decided to turn that into something more positive as I continue to grow and repeatedly apologize myself, for different things.

But one thing I....HATE. With EVERY intention to use HATE as a STRONG WORD.

Is when people use apologies as some sort of emotional/situational cureall.

Because...fuck. Them.

If apologies were curealls...I'd be fine.

If apologies were curealls, I wouldn't be on the edge of cutting myself with my Walmart boxcutter because my sister, the one last person in my family who I thought I could relate to, finally told me herself recently that (hidden under the kindness) I was being a useless fuck and was embarrassing our parents.

If apologies were curealls, I wouldn't have the pain in my heart of knowing that no matter what I do, my relationship with my parents and family in general is officially nonexistent. Even with my mentally disabled brother, probably, seeing as he's memorized churchgoing on Sundays into his child's mind.

If apologies were curealls, I wouldn't have so many people in my life whose lives have been complete and utter shit, from being sold for drugs, having parents die, being abused by their fathers in ways to be left to your imagination. And that's something that I'm intentionally stating because this doesn't just apply to me, I wanted to talk about all of the other people that I am aware of in my small bubble of life that are struggling as well, I know I'm not alone in my pain.

If apologies were curealls...

I wouldn't have to write this journal.

I would have a family that I wouldn't have to lie to every day about being gay and a furry and having a boyfriend.

I wouldn't have wasted thousands of my parents' money on tuition when I knew in my heart that I was a bad student.

I wouldn't have had my growth as a person stunted basically until recently.

People...I know it's a stupid cliche, but...think about what you say before it leaves your lips.

Don't let yourself say "I love you" because it's something that you know you should say to someone related to you or what not.

Understand that you love your son because he hasn't done drugs or alcohol and isn't a rapist.

Don't let yourself say "I'm sorry" for the simple reason of you knowing you did something wrong.

Understand that when you say those words...it's because you realize in your heart that there's literally nothing else you can say to excuse the stupidity of either your actions, the ineffectiveness of your actions, or the circumstances that no one could control.

Because when you learn to talk that way...that's when you need to say things like "I'm sorry" less.

That's when the times that you do say "I'm sorry" start to have real significance.

Rather than throwing it around as what you hope to be a bandaid, but just ends up being an ignorance and apathy with no desire to change yourself for whatever type of situation arises.

*sighs* I'm gonna move out. I really need to.

If anyone lives along the East Coast who's willing to take someone in and be a bit patient with someone more or less starting to really learn life...could really use that, please.

/endrant

...On the plus-side, Julyyyyyy. I can't wait to see my bffffffff. <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

*is a giddy little schoolgirl, and also gnight, I need to sleep before my next midnight shift*

Kinda wanna be more honest with myself lately, so I can start to grow a little more.

And my painful fact for today is:

[My mood is often if not always affected by my wins and losses in the different competitive games that I play.]

Once, a long time ago, I told myself that I would be the best. That no one ever was.

But then I grew up and found that I wasn't. Like... at all.

Not even a little, at anything...wait...that's not quite right.

I always had a Luigi level of skill, not Mario.

The Falco level of skill, but never Fox.

The Player 2 level of skill.

But I could never be Player 1.

And I didn't even have a Player 1 to be Player 2 to.

Everyone was just...better.

Sure, I could beat someone newer to the game.

But other than that, I would just end up second best, which as most people in the situation know, might as well be third best.

And I know that it shouldn't, but...it's affected my mindset about a lot of things.

Cuz...I'm Asian. And idk how white people get it from their parents, but the Asian stereotype about parents is often true, especially moreso for Filipinos than most other normal Asian parents that are always all "Be a doctor, be a doctor."

For Filipinos...we become nurses.

We literally become...What could almost be viewed as the number two.

An entire race of Luigis. Borne most likely from living in a world and lifestyle where our highest goals are really just to get a job that can support a life of family, second family, friends of family, other friends, people you want to help, and then little things for yourself.

Do I believe that that kind of lifestyle and way of looking at the world as something and a bunch of someones that deserve our help? Absolutely not. Filipinos are quite possibly the most daringly compassionate people on the face of the Earth, I promise you that.

...But I'm also American. And as an American I cherish, quite a bit, my ability, honor, and right to be selfish.

I cherish that right to enjoy what the people before me prepared me for, without thinking for a second about them.

Because can we be honest for like five seconds.

When I'm jacking off to watching a guy's face get sloppified by hot, musky, manly stud meat...the first thing should not fucking be:

"Man...I'm grateful for the Filipinos that were slaughtered in numerous wars and imprisoned by the Spanish, who showed us to be miserable enough that the Americans were able to pity us and save us."

My thoughts are more along the lines of:

"I better remember what I'm gonna fucking eat after this, I'm gonna be hungry as FUCK after I bust this nut two or three times in a row."

And I cherish that. I really really do. Because it means that my life is good.

And fuck all that shit about "Either you suffer now and enjoy later, or enjoy now and suffer later" bullshit.

Maybe I'm a dreamer and a fantasist, but I believe in a life where you can keep on enjoying things throughout. It will definitely NOT be enjoying things 24/7... But that's even more reason to believe that you should be enjoying things all throughout.

Take me and my boyfriend for example. He lives in California, and I live in Virginia. To be honest with ourselves, we're both still practically kids. He works at Target, I work at Walmart. We're not making massive money, especially with him helping pay bills in the house with his dad and brother, and me being forced to pay bills only because my parents were horrible parents and prepared me in life only to be attached to them, so that I could just be their prize pig when they got older and just keep on siphoning money off of me through guilt comparable to Catholicism (which isn't far off, seeing as it's one of the major religions in the Philippines).

But my point being...long distance relationship. It reaaaally fucking sucks. We make each other laugh and smile and jizz and all, but...It is what it is. Not being able to hold the one person who makes life tolerable when you're at the point where you need meds to sleep isn't a fucking great time, a fact agreed by both of us several times.

But soon...we're going to be selfish. Even with all of the shit that we've been through in our own lives, we're going to push all that shit under the rug for a few seconds, hold hands, and walk in the sunshine...of a table lamp, because we're totes probably just gonna be in bed together on our computers, or playing on our 3DS's.

...I am now realizing that I got completely offtrack. The above was me being excited about soon getting to see my boyfriend for the first time. I imagine we're not the first online relationship to finally meet in real life for the first time, but no way is it any less important for me.

Going to the Anthrocon in Pittsburgh on July 9-11. My first ever con, that's gonna be nervewracking. Stupid amounts of thanks to  Ryarik , without whom this is probably not gonna be possible. My boyfriend has been paying bills, and I'll soon be paying "rent"

(which is quotated because it's not really rent, it's my parents saying that they want to make me pay them money for being in their house, even though I wash their dishes, take care of my brother, cook them food, spoil them with snacks, pay for the gas in the car, and don't ever answer back when they make me feel like a useless waste of space)

And between all of that, we thought that this July wasn't going to be possible...But the smileyboo is helping us raise money with some commission art. Go watch and commission shtuff from him, he's bloody amazing...Sure, he has jizz level pronz, but more than anything, you can't really get anything from him that doesn't make you smile when you see it. 10$ or so for a genuine smile and art? Worth every cent. I'd commission him, but...You know. Kinda makes no sense when we're both raising money. Train ticket, hotel ticket, con ticket, spending money, dildo money. I'm booked right now. =w=

Anyways, that's been me. Peece.

We've always been told and/or believed this whole ideal of "If it's something that you think about all the time, and spend a lot of time on, that's where your heart is."

I don't disagree with that...But I think a lot of people also mistake that for "If it's something that you think about all the time, and spend a lot of time on, that's the only thing that you really care about and is deserving of your love."

We can't help it, being people who've been so used to extremes, or have none extremes to be the thing that's harped on for news and such...But it's stupidly, STUPIDLY untrue.

I've been thinking about it lately because I've been thinking about my boyfriend a lot (bwuh...I hate the word boyfriend...I want there to be a cooler word for it...).

I've been thinking about him because I haven't been able to spend a lot of time with him, lately. And yet, I've been able to spend time watching movies and drawing pictures for other friends.

But what does that mean at the end of the day? Sure, I could blame it on the fact that he's been busy with work, and I've been busy with work, and my sleep schedule has been fucked up because of these midnight shifts to the point where I have to take sleep medication every time to make sure that I become well-rested for the next shift.

But then so what? I've been making time for other people to the point where we were watching movies together online, having Skype calls, drawing things and such. Even managing RP with one other person, which takes good hours. Not to mention spending time in between listening to music, surfing the net, Youtubing, playing video games, etc.

...And I've only spent so much time with my own boyfriend.

But it's bullshit to start thinking that just because I spend all of that time and such on those things, that I don't love my boyfriend. (Fuck it...we'll call him...my...uhm...doogle. Just can't stand the word boyfriend, it's like...yeghck.)

I'm not even going to set up weird, awkward, possibly unrelated examples to explain myself. I love him for the real reasons.

I love him because he's been there for me when I really needed it. Because we have history together and he's utterly, itch-that-he-wants-to-scratch curious and wanting to suck my dick.

I love him because when we're together and I talk to him, I know that he's really listening and caring and wants to also rub his face all over my nuts.

I love him because when he's worried about something, in comparison to anything else in my life that I've just kind of put off to the side...He makes me want to do something. There's also a constant need in me to kind of want to dick him and hear him moan.

Yes, I'm being a little silly with my romanticism, but at the end of the day, those are actually honest answers. I'm so in love with him in so many different ways, with so many different interconnections, that they seem to hold the same importance and weight and relevance. And they do.

But you know what else.

...I love ice cream.

I also love video games, I love drawing, I love my gumball friend, and my detective friend, and my definitely-not-being-converted-to-the-sacred-religion-of-Perversion little mouse friend, and my hyperdicked dragon friend with his plump blue doughnut butt. And none of them in any particular order. Though of course food holds a pretty large importance in life cuz sustenance.

And none of these loves or the facts related to them. Not one of them. Makes them more important than the love that I have for my boyfriend. Not the time that I spend more on these things, not the lack of time that I have with him...nothing.

That's another thing about my doogle that I love, when I'm not trying to wonder about how he'll pant when he gets fondled by me for the first time...He's very understanding. And not in a "I'll accept anything that he says because he's my boyfriend and I don't want to seem like a hardass or clingy" kind of way. Because he's expressed several times that he's pretty selfish about having me to himself.

He rides that line (hard~) of wanting nothing more than to be with me and to have me to himself, while at the same time knowing that sometimes there are games that you play better by yourself and with other people. Games being a metaphorical term for other things in life...though in some instances, they're literally games.

I guess what I'm trying to say at the end of the day...

Is that if you are, at any point, kind of confused about what you think is important...don't worry about it.

Life isn't a numbered list...it's just a list. You can have all the things, as long as you show that you really want all the things.

That's what's so great about it. [life]

---

I wrote this mostly for myself, because I was lying in bed realizing that I've been not spending much time with him, whether he realized it or not. And I'd been missing him so much, it hurt to have to say goodnight to him without much happening that day between us.

And if someone wonders how I feel about how my love for things other than my doogle compare to my love for my doogle...

...Yeah. My doogle is more important. I'm selfish like that. I might not have many actions right now that imply as much...But he's tons more important.

/endrant

I keep seeing all these comedy specials that are all like "One of the Greats" and "They're Not Gonna Laugh At You" and "Laugh at my Pain"..

I kinda wondered about this weird naming system when I finally sat down and realized that it was more of a reference to the modus operandi of what a comedian does...basically talks about something they want to express, whether it be an overwhelming sarcasm or an inner monologue or an expression of how much their life sucks.

I used to want to be a comedian at one point...well no, that's not quite right. I wanted to be a "funny guy", seeing as I'd been studying the greats of my generation, like Jim Carrey, Robin Williams, Rick Moranis, Mel Brooks, etc.

And I think so much study sort of made me...naturally...funny? idk. I've had a lot of points in my life though, where people would laugh at stupid shit I was doing that I didn't even realize was funny until I understood the situation later.

Almost assuredly, my comedy special would be named, "...The Fuck Is So Funny."

Anyone else got titles?

I'm having a weird day.

Maybe it's because I'm excited to go eat some burgers and fries and ice cream afterwards as a two day late birthday celebration...

But everything today...seems slow.

Like...I have a damn good musical ear.

But for some reason, I went back to listen to Uptown Funk by Bruno Mars, and it felt like a couple beats slower than I remembered it.

Even Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran sounded faster than the Funk.

And then I'm here alone at home...and...Sorta...it's still morning. When I feel like it's way later. :I

Maybe it's an aftereffect of all of my midnight shifts. *shrugs*

Hoping desperately that someone would come around and distract me from my stupor...but everyone needs their sleep.

Myeh. Closing before this becomes a ventjournal. =w=

But in a good way, promise.

I was ready to let this day just end on this terrible, sour note, from everything that had been happening today...

I had woken up at around 2:30ish, maybe a little later.

My one day late birthday celebration was moved from this one day late to the two days late, tomorrow.

A grand total of...11 people actually knew about my birthday.

Four were my family (and this is me including my mentally disabled brother, which is pushing it, and yes, I mean he is medically proven as mentally disabled, he can't form words and can't learn anything). They're making me pay for my birthday when we all go out...tomorrow.

Five were online friends...well, I guess six. I used to know one of them irl, but we barely talk anymore and he hasn't really been much of a friend. But one of them was busy with babysitting, one was overly tired and not feeling well from work, one I barely talk to, and the other was busy with commissions before he went to sleep.

And then the last was my boyfriend. He's great. -//-

And with all of these things progressing throughout the day, I was generally left on my own. Even my boyfriend was a little quiet, but that's just normally how he is, and he knows that's the usually best way to handle me.

But for a while...I just felt really alone in the world for a lot of today. It was like even after finding people that might've actually cared for me, it turned out that none of them was really actually interested or invested in me enough to really, really step outside of their comfort zones.

But...that's bullshit.

If there's anything that I've always been proud of myself for, it's learning to understand people.

I learned how to understand people without them telling me much because I knew that that was what I wish someone could do for me... To look at me and for me to not say a word, and for them to understand anyways.

Not in a sort of weird animal sense or manga sense of one look in my eyes says all there is to say, but...

To realize that I'm probably someone who's not talking for a reason. Who's in the mood I'm in for a reason.

The friends that weren't able to be here with me had their own lives to take care of. Commissions are hard work. The friend feeling down about work has good reason to feel down, especially when life comes crashing down. The friend who's been babysitting is uber-popular and rarely has time to himself to really pick and choose on his own who needs attention the most among his friends, because he's super considerate like that. The one friend that I included has been busy with life, he went from being in a UPS job, to trying out to be a cop, to going to college, and this is all after dropping out of the university where we both met and dropped out of.

My family couldn't help that I had work on my birthday, or that my sister wanted to use today to study for her exams. Truth be told, I'm pretty tired today anyways from sing some sleeping meds, so I'd be eating half awake and not really enjoying my food. Besides, sidenote, not a fan of my parents, if you've never heard of it.

My boyfriend has been quiet, even though I don't always understand that since half the time we're either RP boning or talking about interesting things. But he's always been a listener, something that really clicked for me into hi, seeing as all my life I've been naturally stifled by religion and hard Asian parents. And especially now, in my times of trouble, even though part of the reason he doesn't talk is because he isn't as articulate as he'd like to be in moments like these (and nobody is, so no high horses), a large part of it is also because he considers how fragile I am.

I feel bad. I feel bad because after all of this...people were still able to come through.

Sure, it was only a few of them, but they pushed aside their lives for a few moments. To be pervy with me. To sing me a happy birthday. To tell me that they'll see me tomorrow. To say that they wished they had more time with me. To show that they really are there and thinking of me.

Having even 11 people who can do that...that's more than enough. And I'm proud to have so many in my life.

Thank you all for a happy first half of a birthday. I'll happily accept more birthday greetings and/or things of a similar nature whenever you should wish. Love you all, dear deerlings. <3

Happy birthday to meee

I'm now twenty threee

My rhyming can suck buuut

Dickbuttsweenasspeee

...

I'm a genius.

I'll actually be celebrating my birthday after this upcoming midnight shift for work in about...halved hour.

Well...I'll be getting off of my shift, and then sleeping, and then when I wake up, /then/ I'll be with my friends and such. See you all soon, ya buncha bootifurr buttnuggets.

*celebratory handful of confetti*

I honestly don't. I used to, but not anymore. And it's hard to practice when you suck at it.

From the beginning of my life to where I am now, I've never really been the kind of person who went out and met people/had people who wanted to get to know me.

It's not like I'm not liked or anything, but I'm definitely not sending out any signs saying that I want to be talked to.

It's a really dumb trap, like the one in the Breakfast Club. If I say "no, I don't want to talk to people", I'm a cranky hermit, and if I say "yes, I wish I could get people to talk to me", I'm needy.

But at the end of the day, just like in the Breakfast Club, you're the person who would say both yes and no.

But even past that...idk. I could argue that I've just been raised that way maybe?

I was born in Japan on a naval base, and I stayed there for 8 years. As a kid, I thought my whole world would be there, and I'd have a best friend named Merrick and then I'd continue to be happy.

And then my parents said "WERE MOVING TO AMERICA". And I saw black people and a lot more white people for the first time.

And then I spent around 9 years in America, thinking this was going to be the end of my life and where I'd spend the rest of my years, understanding the things that I did as someone with more understanding...

And then my parents said, "LETS GO LIVE IN THE PHILIPPINES"

...ok.

And we weren't just going to visit, my family moved there with the intention of staying. We were here for 2 years, and I was 18 and hopelessly moved away from the things I knew, in this alien country.

And then my parents went "ACTUALLY NEVERMIND LETS GO BACK TO THE STATES--"

*whacks them with a cricket bat*

*...kidding. i wish tho*

And do I hate them for moving me all over the world? No. Hell no.

I've seen things other kids have probably never seen.

But I also don't have things that other kids got growing up.

I didn't go to my high school prom. I could've, but I knew that budgets for my family were tight what with our moving the Philippines after I graduated, so I gave my prom to my parents.

I didn't really have friends that I laughed and cried with in high school.

I never had a best friend or even a group of friends, just people who were friendly around me, but never asked to come over to my house or get to know anything more about me.

Maybe it was just intimidating to get to know me when I told them about everywhere I'd been, but... Even so, the way I was raised excommunicated me from any possibility of a normal life.

And do I blame all of my inability to make friends on something like the life I've lived up until this point?

Do I blame my parents for pretty much raising me to be stuck at home with no friends except for my little plastic internet box?

Not at all.

But it doesn't really change the fact that I do have it to worry about.

Throughout my life, the reason I think I've become someone who was so easy to pass over and not become friends with, imo...

Is the fact that I'm nice.

lol Now...I'm not saying that it's bad to be nice, obv.

But the way that I'm nice, it's like I'm gently giving people a reason to not be sad about who I really am.

And it's gently supported by the fact that I can smile about how horrible my life is.

So they suppose that "Awww, he's okay, that's good. I wish I could be that strong."

When at the end of the day, I'm lying in bed so broken, I can't even cry about my life anymore.

My point:

...idk =w=

There was no point to be made here, aside from...idk.

I just need to say it sometimes so that I can remember that I'm not just a lifeless doll to be tolerating it for so many years.

I've got a boyfriend who I love and loves me back mutually with the passion of a thousand solar deeyicks. I'm slowly making more friends. I'm improving as a person, even if it's slow.

And more than anything, I've got a general direction of my life now. I've got something I want to work towards.

And I'll keep working for the first time in my life, purposely wanting to work.

Because it finally made sense to me.

And ya better watch out when I start to make sense of things.

Cuz that's when I win. >:3

*knocks over my chess piece*

But then I'll lose again.

But ya gotta lose, if you wanna have friends. =w=

And that's more important than winning.

IDK WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT XD

im so hungrehhhhhhhGIVEMEPIZZA