I haven’t written anything for ages. Whenever I try to compose something, a question pops in my head “Is it worth to share it?”. I stop there and in the end, barely share anything. Maybe subconsciously I don’t like talking about myself? Or I am just lazy and look for excuses not to post anything and indulge myself in reading what others have to say? Nevertheless, I’m tired of it and decided to do something about it. Over the years I’ve just made thousands of excuses why I should start doing something later or not do it at all. I’m tired of this state.

So what steps have I taken to change it? It’s a bit longer story…
Last month I was called into the office. I had a feeling that this day was approaching but the rest of my coworkers kept calming me down that I’m overreacting. They were wrong. My job has been terminated as well as a few other positions within the company. I couldn’t be moved to another department, neither anyone from my team was informed about this decision. Because I was the only designer and analyst working on it, you can guess the rest. Now 60+ people who worked on it with me are being made redundant as well. Thankfully, I was released from ultra-restrictive NDA so I can look for a job within the industry.

I would start doing it earlier, but in the middle of July, my grandmother was diagnosed with a very aggressive type of cancer. She was given only three months to live, so I’ve had my trip booked in early October so I could see her before her death. My parents spent a fortune to ease her pain and increase her comfort of living and thanks to their sacrifice she isn’t even bed-bound yet, contrary to the diagnosis. This story won’t have a happy ending but at least I’m at peace that everything possible is being done. Together with Kael, we have even decided to extend our stay with my family for another week to make the most of it. Even with me risking my job search. And it was worth it.
Also before the trip, I have contracted sepsis and landed in the hospital. It was a very close call and if not for a quick reaction from Kael, I’d probably be dead right now. No idea how I even got it, but it was pretty scary.

On top of that, another sad thing happened this year. A friend that I considered a close one, blocked me everywhere and doesn’t want to talk with me anymore. It’s disappointing because we trusted each other and shared a lot between ourselves. The worst part is that I haven’t done anything bad. Sure, I was expressing my disappointment at the racist comments and jokes made by them but besides that, I thought we were on good terms and I hoped that they will change for better. Sadly it looks like they’ve decided after all that al this fandom has to offer is money for art…

And all of these events kinda messed up with some of my plans. I had to give up my diet for a bit so I’ve gained about 10lbs extra. Also, my ADHD got much worse due to that, but thankfully I’ve got some help now with it. I hate medication but without it, I’d probably be like a cocaine-addicted meerkat.

Now I’m slowly trying to get back up to speed with everything. Getting back to running and gym routine, keeping up with job search and trying to be more social in general. No idea if the meds are working or if I learned to get my shit together in general, but so far so good! My main concern right now is to find the right job. I’d prefer to get a contract, which would solve a lot of my financial problems and would let me pursue some of my more expensive dreams. I know that I will try my best.

I could lit more minor/major things that happened during 2019 that also affected me in some way but it’s in the past now. I need to learn from all of this and make sure that I focus on the present with my goals set in the future.

I really can’t wait for the next convention to attend and also to finally get a suit. I want to enjoy this fantastic fandom in every way and I’m going to do it. I’m quite stubborn and always aim to get what I want.

Woof’ ya!
~Elath

My inconsistency in posting journal updates has been established ages ago, therefore I spare you a dozen reasons why I’m like that (tl;dr – I’m unorganised mess). In the spirit of my infrequent updates, here’s another one!

This year just flew by for me. Most of the time I’ve spent either at work or in the car which slightly affected my non-existent social life. I’ve got to the point where I wasn’t doing anything else but working. Thankfully, due to the ‘generosity’ of my company, I’ve got a MASSIVE pay-cut and now I can work closer to home for few days a week. It gives me some space to do the things I should but so far, I’m happily wasting it on World of Warcraft (again…).

On a more positive note, I’ve got another year older and had a quite eventful birthday party this year. So much has happened during that weekend that I’m still processing everything! Booze, sex, friends, drama – whole package! If I would start listing everything here, it would probably take another few pages and then barely anyone would believe it anyway. But hit me up if you’re interested in the full story!

I’m still trying to find myself in the world. Looking for that motivational ‘kick in the ass’ that would get me going but the more I’m waiting for it, the more I realise that it will never happen. All the plans, ideas, things to do. It’s all collecting dust on the shelf labelled ‘someday’. Feels like I’m living in the trap of my own making, where I understand that if I would start doing a little bit every day, despite how hard it is, it would get a little bit easier every day. But I just need to keep doing it, which is the part that I can’t stick to.

Maybe it’s depression talking or just my usual, incoherent rambling. But I feel that I’m reaching the point where I really want to get out from all this mess that I keep creating and start channelling this energy into something enjoyable.

And with age I've got really hard time to figure out what I really am. Am I dog, wolf, lion, yeen, bull, rat or who knows what! Too much want, to little commission money and writing skill!

Also, writing journals sucks! But it helps

To the next one!
~Elath

Work has turned from crazy to complete madness in the past few months. My role was supposed to be advisory and in the worst case, I had to review some documents and provide some feedback.

Because of lack of able bodies to work on different elements of the project and company policy of ‘helping me grow’ now I’m a mix of project manager, BA and solutions architect. But of course, pay stays the same. It keeps me really occupied, which I’m grateful for, not to mention any additional training is available for me, but I still miss something. It’s not what I want to do with my life. I still feel incomplete, and I don’t find any joy in going to work. I know that if I would at least remotely work closer to the field I want, I would be much happier… but baby steps. At least it pays the bills (but I can moan from time to time, can I?).
Also, last week, I’ve been through ‘flu from hell’. If not for Kael I’d probably die in bed from dehydration. I haven’t been this sick for a long time. I was tripping balls, because how else you can call that when you start talking with your own fursona in the room. Thankfully it’s all over now and only some small lingering infections left to cure, but antibiotics will deal with that.

And from life/social point of view – still boring AF. Due to work and me being unable to cope with stress recently, I’ve become even more antisocial. I think I’ve reverted my development and turned into cave troll (and increasing weight would confirm that!). No gym, no kickboxing, no sports, bah, even Fridays I spent in front of the PC. And what’s worse – no mates to hang out with. I’ve completely lost the ability to befriend people and even if I do I act like a complete weirdo around them. I bet it wouldn’t bother me if I would be weird by default, but because I’m aware of it, the social awkwardness only magnifies. Trying to deal with that as my top priority because I’m really growing tired of it and so far I’m failing spectacularly.

Hopefully when summer comes most of these issues will be in the past… Nah who am I kidding? :E

~Moany Elath

Press F5 for madness!

Keeping my journals up to date is tough for me. Not because I have a problem with writing but I often postpone things indefinitely. It started to become quite bothersome to myself, and that's why I have decided to update this one, just for the sake of peace of mind ;)

First I want to apologize to everyone that I haven't responded to via notes or e-mails. As you will read below, I had rather few hectic months. I know that's not an excuse, but recently I just cope poorly with multitasking.

My life turned into quite a horrendous routine of work, shopping, sleep and occasional drink over the weekend. Not the healthiest lifestyle I would say, especially when work is a bitch. For the past month, both of my managers tried to get rid of me and failed spectacularly. My crime was that I challenged project manager on his decisions. He got pretty offended by that, and he didn't want me on his team. Unfortunately for him, I'm the only specialist available, and they already lost four subject matter experts from the project, so as they've put it "We wish you would go, but we just cannot afford that to happen, so let's have a clean start, shall we?". Now every time I see him, I want to do a little victory dance. The only downside is that the pace picked up, so I need to be constantly in the office and on top of that, traffic became a real nightmare. Of course, as a result, I'm looking for a new job in the meantime.

Due to that, I (again!) started neglecting all the stuff that I was doing and wanted to work on, so I'm back at square one. At least the gym is just five minutes away, and it looks like the training grounds for the local football team are close as well! At least it gives me some hope for the future since I just want to get back to my old self. I would also need to upload some stuff here since I've got few outstanding pieces! And who would say no to new fap material!
Rawr you later fluffs!
~Elath

I haven’t had time to write the last couple of months because I’ve been so busy with work. Working 6 days a week for about 12 hours a day was hectic. Not enough that, I had to complete my usual tasks, I also got involved in projects that I knew nothing about. I had to put tons of hours into all of it, at the same time neglecting my health, diet, and everything else. But finally after all those months of hard work, I finally got promoted. I never thought that I will be counted as one of the few experts in the country, but it feels damn awesome. It opens before me tons of new opportunities and allows me to finally move faster towards my career/financial goals. It feels great, especially when I have the full support of my managers. They keep pushing me towards extra courses and they also want me to go back to Uni to study statistics. It won’t be ‘easy’ from now on, but at least I’m heading towards something, instead of chasing dreams.

I’ve also decided to go back to my old habits and will hit the gym again. I’ve started to miss this feeling of gratifying tiredness and pain after a good workout. It also gives me time to FINALLY join local rugby and ice hockey teams. It’s down to their training schedule, but I will try to squeeze as much as possible because it feels like I’ve missed a lot.

Hopefully, you will see my face more often at meets and cons. After all, I’ve missed you fuzz butts!

P.S.
I'm still on the crossroad regarding my furry identity. It's something that makes me feel weird about having two fursonas, especially when I identify with both. I will need to chose at some point but that's the issue for some other time :)


I’m shit at keeping everything up to date, so enjoy while I post ;)

Life goes forward, but for past month, I’ve decided to slow down a bit. By slow down I mean to get rid of few outstanding debts on credit cards and get some new appliances and furniture for our flat. Despite being on kinda national average, we’re still bit behind with everything, which pisses me off. I’m trying to work as much overtime as humanly possible but it takes too long! I want everything sorted out, NOW :E

The whole 60h+ workweek situation causes me to ignore gym, friends, my own projects or anything else that I love. It’s depressing, annoying and makes me lazy and fat but at the moment, money is king and it doesn’t look like it will change anytime soon. On the other hand, if I’ll keep this up, by April, I’ll be up to date with everything, including fursuit funds, which is more than great! I just need to find healthy life-work balance and to squeeze a bit of a gym and rugby/US Football time in the middle.

I just hope that someday, I’ll be able to stay up to date with everyone and everything…. Maybe next month… :E

That was pretty intense couple of weeks and it doesn’t look like life is going to slow down!

Anyway, together with Kael we have successfully moved away from Wolves. I forgot how it is to live in a proper flat instead of a studio… that’s the size of a one room… a tiny room. At least now we have space for ourselves! Also the location is not that bad. Less than 10min away from work and pretty close to Birmingham.

Work situation got bit messy, but at least pay is alright. TL;DR I was offered a much better position but few people that I am working with were very upset about that and they kind of ensured that I won’t get it, so I’m still stuck in the same position. On a positive note, I’m currently working on few pretty important projects for the company and there’s a chance that maybe things will start moving again! If not, then I’m going back to game design and programming, although I have to say that doing business analysis is very enjoyable for me.

For the next few weeks I need to squish some overtime so my work hours will jump to like 50h+ so I’ll be on Skype even less often than usual. Since I’m also preparing for try-outs for American Football team in Birmingham I doubt I’ll be able to catch up with social life, but if you poke me, I’ll definitely answer ;)

I have no idea if things will calm down, at least it doesn’t look like they will, but I don’t mind. It takes my mind of things that I shouldn’t even worry about and time goes faster, which is good, because I need to wait for few things until next year.

Also if someone could give me some advice regarding football gear, hit me up. I could use some guidance :)

~Rawr

Sorry for not keeping regular updates, but I (don't)promise that for now, I'll let you know a bit more often what's happening on this end of the world ;)

Finally after a lot of struggle I've got the job worth keeping. Maybe it's boring, office based, spreadsheet humping but pay is good, hours are ok and people at work are just fucking great to be around. Maybe I had to give up American football, kickboxing and forget about ice hockey but I have to priorities money making and education.

I'm kinda almost done with university, just wrapping things up and working on my portfolio. It's a lot of work but I know it will pay off soon enough ;)

It's been a really crazy month for me. New job, ton of work at uni and on top of that my grandad has fallen ill. To be honest it's not looking good. I'm thinking about the whole situation every day but I'm trying to stay positive. In worst case scenario at least I was able to say goodbye to him.

Now the only thing that’s left is to organise my time a bit and I need to catch up with some furs. I want to talk to so many of you but time is so limited that I can't even think where I could possibly squeeze that time... but I'm a smart lion (one of the few) and I always get and do what I want ;)

~Rawr

Finally got my avatar updated and couldn't be happier :3

Of course thanks to no one else but my awesome

You know the drill, F5 and be amazed ;P