I haven’t written anything for ages. Whenever I try to compose something, a question pops in my head “Is it worth to share it?”. I stop there and in the end, barely share anything. Maybe subconsciously I don’t like talking about myself? Or I am just lazy and look for excuses not to post anything and indulge myself in reading what others have to say? Nevertheless, I’m tired of it and decided to do something about it. Over the years I’ve just made thousands of excuses why I should start doing something later or not do it at all. I’m tired of this state.

So what steps have I taken to change it? It’s a bit longer story…
Last month I was called into the office. I had a feeling that this day was approaching but the rest of my coworkers kept calming me down that I’m overreacting. They were wrong. My job has been terminated as well as a few other positions within the company. I couldn’t be moved to another department, neither anyone from my team was informed about this decision. Because I was the only designer and analyst working on it, you can guess the rest. Now 60+ people who worked on it with me are being made redundant as well. Thankfully, I was released from ultra-restrictive NDA so I can look for a job within the industry.

I would start doing it earlier, but in the middle of July, my grandmother was diagnosed with a very aggressive type of cancer. She was given only three months to live, so I’ve had my trip booked in early October so I could see her before her death. My parents spent a fortune to ease her pain and increase her comfort of living and thanks to their sacrifice she isn’t even bed-bound yet, contrary to the diagnosis. This story won’t have a happy ending but at least I’m at peace that everything possible is being done. Together with Kael, we have even decided to extend our stay with my family for another week to make the most of it. Even with me risking my job search. And it was worth it.
Also before the trip, I have contracted sepsis and landed in the hospital. It was a very close call and if not for a quick reaction from Kael, I’d probably be dead right now. No idea how I even got it, but it was pretty scary.

On top of that, another sad thing happened this year. A friend that I considered a close one, blocked me everywhere and doesn’t want to talk with me anymore. It’s disappointing because we trusted each other and shared a lot between ourselves. The worst part is that I haven’t done anything bad. Sure, I was expressing my disappointment at the racist comments and jokes made by them but besides that, I thought we were on good terms and I hoped that they will change for better. Sadly it looks like they’ve decided after all that al this fandom has to offer is money for art…

And all of these events kinda messed up with some of my plans. I had to give up my diet for a bit so I’ve gained about 10lbs extra. Also, my ADHD got much worse due to that, but thankfully I’ve got some help now with it. I hate medication but without it, I’d probably be like a cocaine-addicted meerkat.

Now I’m slowly trying to get back up to speed with everything. Getting back to running and gym routine, keeping up with job search and trying to be more social in general. No idea if the meds are working or if I learned to get my shit together in general, but so far so good! My main concern right now is to find the right job. I’d prefer to get a contract, which would solve a lot of my financial problems and would let me pursue some of my more expensive dreams. I know that I will try my best.

I could lit more minor/major things that happened during 2019 that also affected me in some way but it’s in the past now. I need to learn from all of this and make sure that I focus on the present with my goals set in the future.

I really can’t wait for the next convention to attend and also to finally get a suit. I want to enjoy this fantastic fandom in every way and I’m going to do it. I’m quite stubborn and always aim to get what I want.

Woof’ ya!
~Elath