Well... I have a new account anyway. But I'm thinking I'm going to be there more often than I am here now.

If you'd like to follow me there, click away :D

I'm looking for an artist who can help me out with something. I want to have a picture done of a Square Enix character aged UP (possibly a couple of times. 30's and 40s perhaps...) I know it's super specific and a bit different but, if anyone knows someone who could do that as close to the Advent Children style as possible, I'd love to chat with them and see what can be done :)

I don't know anyone personally but, if you know someone, please send them my way. Thank you xxx

I'd been worried that I've barely drawn anything this year. I've done 5 art pieces compared to 36 at the same point last year but I think I understand.

This year has been something of an awakening for me. A lot has changed. When I was young, I'd just draw for the joy of it. It was fun and I was good at it. After a pretty traumatic year and a half, starting from when I was 18, I collapsed in on myself. I was never great at communicating how I felt anyway, but now things got worse. But. I could still draw. I lost the colour from myself so I put it in my art. I couldn't express the anger I felt but I could draw a dinosaur ripping apart a monster which is almost the same thing. The pain I felt manifested in all sorts of ways. I'd use art to communicate feelings I couldn't express or simply didn't understand. Art was no longer a toy. It was a tool.

Things really came to a head in May last year when I was at my lowest and I sought professional help. People might laugh at me for this but that was when I latched onto the character Yondu in Guardians of the Galaxy (lol!!) because he was as crap at expressing himself as I was and I felt an odd kind of connection (and y'all know this is an obsession that never left! Ha ha :D )

However, since about December-ish time, things have been changing and I credit it to the acting I've done with the Mundesley Players. Suddenly, here was a way I could pick apart and analyse different personalities, characteristics, motives, emotions. I was given a person to get inside the mind of and understand. And, in the process, a piece of myself would slot into place and I started to see the big picture.

Not only that, working on a play gave me a goal and a direction. Something to work towards which is something my life seemed to be lacking since I fell into the "daily grind" of living independently. With it, I've learnt confidence, assertiveness, I've finally become brave enough to display the colour I always wanted to envelope myself in with the way I dress and in how I dye my hair, I've mentally organised a lot of the mess that cluttered up my brain. God knows I'm far from finished but I'm getting there!

And I don't know what this means for my art... I really don't. I guess, for now at least, it's largely on hiatus. It doesn't HAVE to be a tool anymore. I just need to relearn how to use it as a toy to just have fun with. If I do any art, it will probably be pretty experimental. I'm getting my old colouring pencils out again and going over a portrait with them, I'm working on changing Elra's design a bit etc. Stay with me, people. I'm finally turning a VERY big corner! xx <3

So I drew Elra in the M.U. style for the sake of one porn piece...

And now she apparently has a college major, a sorority, a best friend, a boyfriend, an after school club... I may have gone slightly overboard here.

But whatever.

Here I go, back-flipping into hell!

And yes I said 'Monsters University'. I don't give a fuck. I'm done trying to gain people's approval. From here on out, I'm drawing for MY approval only.

Craig was meant to go back to Cornwall for Christmas and I was meant to spend Christmas with my family here. However, Craig couldn't afford the coach journeys so Mum said she'd pay for him to go as her present to him "so he could see his family" (so she said). The journeys turned out to be a load of hassle and came to way too much (£100+) so I told mum that Craig couldn't go as there's no way mum would stretch to that kind of cash. I asked if he could spend Christmas with us and she kicked off saying how much my bro had been looking forward to a Christmas just Mum, Dad and kids like the old days ("And, to be honest, so was I.")

Suddenly, Mum's little "I'll pay for your journey to spend Christmas with your parents." has turned into "I'll pay for you to not be here and ruin my Christmas." Even if she relented and let him come over, I can't spend all of Christmas morning watching her side-eye him over her morning coffee, wishing he wasn't there. She wouldn't WANT him there, she'd just be PUTTING UP WITH HIM so she could have me there and my God, does she even realise how shitty that would make ME feel???

Parents can be so fucking thoughtless, I swear.

Well fine, mum. Craig and I will be spending Christmas day on our own and leave you to your idyllic little Christmas with your precious son who would be OH SO HURT AND UPSET if my partner came over to join in.

Fuck you.

If someone trusts you enough to open up to you about an abusive relationship YOU DO NOT DISMISS THEM LIKE "Well, you could have just left." AND IMPLY IT WAS THEIR FAULT!!!

YOU DO NOT FUCKING DO THAT!!!

That is literally like telling a rape victim they were asking for it because they were wearing revealing clothes or telling someone with depression to just cheer up!

THERE IS NO "JUST" ABOUT IT!!! IT IS NOT THAT FUCKING EASY!! OK!?

Quick tip, look up "gaslighting" and educate yourself. The abuser manipulates and breaks a person down slowly over time. They make themselves seem wonderful and everyone else seem evil and bad. They convince their victim that they have things wrong with them and that they're losing their minds. They drive away EVERYONE in that person's life by manipulating THEM into doing it! AND SO MUCH MORE!!! Ok!? It's like a frog in a saucepan and you turn the heat up slowly and the frog will just sit there, not realising that it's being boiled alive. In the victim's mind, THEY'RE the one with the problem! THEY'RE the one responsible for all the shit and their abuser seems perfectly angelic to them!!

It takes a MASSIVE effort for the victim to even REALISE that they're being badly treated. Let alone ACCEPT it. Even once they have, they've often not got anyone left in their lives to turn to, so breaking up with the abuser will mean they are ENTIRELY ALONE so they stay even after that because staying is less painful than being alone.

And, after all that, because they were tricked into pushing everyone away, the victim feels just a crushing SHAME about that time in their life. So, if they open up to you, TAKE IT FUCKING SERIOUSLY!! Very likely they wanted/tried to kill themselves over it at some point, so you making out that they could have "just left" will just amplify that guilt.

But fuck it.

Whatever.

I don't trust anyone now.

I've had a shit fucking day and rrrffgfhghg

For dicks

Ssh.

But also bills and general life costs.

BUT ANYWAY, yes. I'm offering money off on commissions from now until the end of October! That is October 31st at midnight! If you haven't grabbed a slot by then, too bad.

The prices that have changed

Flat Lineart
1 char:
WAS $30
NOW $20

2 char:
WAS $50
NOW $30

Lineart with pencil shading
1 char:
WAS $50
NOW $35

2 char:
WAS $70
NOW $55

Full colour (copic)
1 char:
WAS $60
NOW $45

2 char
WAS $80
NOW $65

I will also do doodle pages for like $5

I will draw clean or adult. I'm easy with either one.
However, I will not draw rape or pedophilia!

***

I am opening 10 slots for this. Please note me if you're interested

Slots

1. Char on tumblr. Doodle page (You tight fuck!!! I love you XD)
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

I all but vanished from social media back in April. I'd just 100% had enough. And I'm still off it. I'm all but gone from Facebook (I only post art I'm REALLY proud of now!!), I abandoned my original Twitter (all it puts out is shitty horoscope stuff now) and I do have a new one but, honestly, I just use it to bother Michael Rooker and James Gunn and NOTHING ELSE!! (How the hell I'm not blocked yet is anyone's fucking guess...!!)

And I WAS gone from Tumblr until I watched Guardians of the Galaxy 2 and then I came back with a fucking VENGEANCE because GIVE ME ALL THE PICS, FICS AND FANARTS OF MY HUSBAND, PLEASE AND THANK YOU!!! (Also, check it out. I DOMINATE the Yondu search here on FA) and also my Yondu/OC fic got popular so, go figure.

Yondu is all I've been drawing and all I PLAN on drawing for a looooooooooooooong ass time. I know it's been a little while. You THINK you've seen the end but HO BOY!! Have you got some stuff coming!

Buckle up, Buttercup!!

And director James Gunn posted one of my art pieces to his instagram! Mm hmm! Getting that fame up in here!

But, yeah, other than that I'm basically GONE from social media because it's a fucking curse. Only when I stopped using it did I realise how beneficial it is.

Anyway, I'm still HERE so... :) x

So at work today, I found out (much to my colleague's horror) that I'm severely allergic to the oven cleaner we use. I've never had to use it before, luckily.

Anyway, today, my colleague Wendy was cleaning out the pastry oven and had sprayed this stuff all over the inside before the oven was properly cold. I wasn't in the room when she sprayed it but I walked in not long after and the heat of the metal had made the fumes evaporate into the air. I took one breath and felt my whole airway close up instantly. I couldn't breathe in at all. For some reason I could cough OUT but I couldn't breathe IN. So, every time I coughed, I lost more air and I could feel my face getting really hot and my head was pounding.

While Wendy was flapping around in a panic feeling really guilty, my other colleague basically shoved me out of the door and into the warehouse corridor where there's good airflow, away from the fumes. She brought me a glass of water for when I felt better and, after what felt like 3 minutes (but was probably less than 1) my airway relaxed and opened up again.

I've been urged to report it to my manager (I haven't yet). It was pretty scary and I dread to think what would have happened if I'd breathed the spray neat, accidentally.

Whatever

It's time to move on.

I'm not coming back to social media. Being away from it has really helped me. I'm only using it for art now. Using it to socialise is an awful idea. Plus it's addictive as fuck.

I'm done trying to impress people.

The only person I need to impress is me.

I just worked for 2 solid days on a new NSFW piece.

As soon as I started colouring it I knew I'd made a mistake.

And the line art had been so good! I was really proud of it! But did I scan it before colouring!? Did I hell!

Fuck.

Welp. Back to square fucking one, I guess.

This is the only form of "social media" I'm staying active on but only barely.

My mental health has really gone downhill in a big way this past few weeks and a massive mistake I made recently has really sealed my decision to vanish for a while. I'll still upload art but with next to no description.

I'll be back but, for now, I need to disappear.

I love you.

So which Pokémon guy should I have jacking off next I wonder????

1. Charizard
2. Feraligatr
3. Houndoom
4. Lugia
5. Blaziken
6. Absol
7. Yveltal

Or maybe something else?

Help a guy out and maybe vote on which one would be best next? :)

Thanks

xx

So I was thinking about what kind of thing I'm attracted to in characters so I've compiled a list. They get weirder as the list goes on, fair warning.

Crazy-ass Redheads

This has to be at the top of the list. From Fred Weasley, Reno from FF7, Axel from Kingdom Hearts to Danny Elfman, Yuki from E's Otherwise... Not to mention a friend of mine.. ahem.. the list goes on. Red haired guys with a wacky sense of humour always seems to be something I'm attracted to so that one has to be first.

Long Bodies

I'm all about snakes and snake-like things! Just... Ugh! Yes!! ALL THE SNURRS!!!

Mecha

Come on. Is ANYONE surprised by this!?

FAT!

This is one that I didn't own up to for a looooooooooong time! Even when a friend here on FA revealed that they liked that too, I couldn't bring myself to be all like "I LIKE FAT THINGS!!" but yeah. Nowadays, whatever. If it has a belly, I'll probably like it (Probably why I liked Syndrome from 'The Incredibles' when I was 13. SHOUT OUT FOR THE CRAZY REDHEAD THING AGAIN!) And I really REALLY like fat girls! I doooooo! <3 <3 <3

Giantism

What IS IT about huge dudes that I like so much??? I dunno. But yeah. The Hulk. Check.... Erm... *Sigh* Ok. The leader of the giants from the BFG (SHOUT OUT FOR THE REDHEADS!). Check. Which leads me on to...

Disgusting Things

This is something I've NEVER understood about myself, but there's something about the truly disgusting that I find alluring... I'll have to draw something to show y'all what I mean because it's late and I can't think of an example off the top of my head.... (Fine. Ragetti in 'Pirates of the Caribbean' when I was, like, 15 but that's not the only one)


I have no idea WHY I wanted to write this. I may add to it if I think of others but yah.

Bad mental health is a bitch ain't it?

I suffer with depression and some anxiety. It's the depression that's the real kicker though. I have no idea really how it works but I know that, with me at least, it comes in waves. For a while I can be really positive and enthusiastic. I'll be super productive and get loads of art done and some videos too. Drawing is usually how I vent how I'm feeling and it makes me feel good.

However, when I can't do it, it makes me feel worse. And, at a certain point (like this), I've sunk so far that I don't even care enough to feel sad that I can't draw any more.

Recently I attempted to get some drawing done. I have a very close friend who knows a thing or two about depression. (I've got a doodle of him in my scraps... https://www.furaffinity.net/view/19271655/ ). He hasn't left my side now for 3 solid weeks, looking after me, watching TV with me (The Great British Bake Off was fun last night. Ha ha) and also singing for me which is... ah... a new thing O_O So, anywho, I was feeling better about things so I decided that I wanted to just draw a little picture of him. 3 pages of scribbled out doodles later and I'm so fucking frustrated with myself that I... threw up. Legit went and hurled in the ladies' loos at work.

THIS is why nobody sees anything from me for weeks, sometimes MONTHS at a time! This is why I'll never be a big Youtuber because I just don't have the capabilities to hold down a schedule (try as I might). This is why I'm looking at my art folder for this year in dismay because I've achieved next to bugger all!

Having depression FUCKING SUCKS and I wish I didn't have it. :'(

OMG!!!

Elra has a son!!!

And, suddenly, my graphic novel's storyline actually makes sense!! This happened 2 days ago and everything just kind of slotted into place!

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH I'm so happy. He's a good boy too! <3 Always looking out for his mother! :'3c

In other news... not much. Work is meh but my flat is great!! And I'm getting back to Youtube which is cool ( darkburmese and I are doing some challenges together which is awesome)

Art wise, I have commissions open as always :D Come to me for all your art needs! <3

https://www.patreon.com/user?u=2492.....=h&alert=1

For just $1 an art piece, you could help feed a Jac today.

He he :D

Oh yes. I have auctions coming. :p

I don't even know what to type

I guess I feel like I'm not me anymore

Everything I draw feels less and less like it's worth drawing

My proudest pieces are the ones where I felt like I just got back to myself for a while. My work has always been disjointed yet I knew I was getting better, technically. I think I was just bottle-necking my own work into one thread because I thought it was what people wanted to see.

I was caring more about what people thought and less about what I wanted.

I dunno.

I've always been a pretty scattered person I guess.

I can never even decide how I want to look.

But does that matter?

...

I don't even know what point I'm trying to make here.

Ugh!

Well it looks like I'm probably moving back to Norfolk with Viro. I've been living in Cornwall for about 15 months now, I guess. Damn, time goes fast!! I haven't seen the majority of my friends since graduation in July last year!! I miss all you guys!

But, anyway. The hotel that Viro and I work for is MAINLY ok, but there's a handful of complete dick-bags that make our lives a misery. Viro's had to put up with it for 9 years now. I don't know how he coped for so long. I really don't. I've been there for 1 and I already want to tear faces off people! We both came to the decision, recently, that, if we didn't get out of there soon, one or both of us was going to do something stupid and get ourselves fired. (That would most likely be Viro, considering he already mouths off to his manager who does fuck all work and calls HIM lazy! Although I have started majorly answering back to my own manager who is just as much of a douche-canoe)

Viro's re-applying for a job a little ways away from here which he tried to get last year and failed. If he doesn't get it, we'll be moving to my hometown in Norfolk and staying with my parents until we have decent jobs and can afford a flat. The long and the short of it is that, whatever happens, we have less than a month of misery left here and that's quite exhilarating, to say the least!

What's kinda funny is that I'm being a little shit about something. Recently, another room became available in the staff block and I put my name forward. I got it and I have, since then, been using it as a stuff-we've-packed room and just been sleeping in Viro's room as usual. No! Fuck you! You may not have this room to SLEEP IN!!! I need it for all my shit!!!

Now, about art

Since things started to get bad here, my uploading has been really sporadic. I didn't post anything for yonks and then I'd suddenly upload a gagillion things all at once.

I HAVE been drawing.

Loads.

Mainly doodles, sketches and the odd line-art piece. Some Mad Max. Quite a bit of Vision stuff (and a couple of Ultron bits, although they will probably NEVER see the light of day. Mainly out of fear of something like this happening... http://media.giphy.com/media/Kan1AH.....facebook_s.jpg)

I have a LOT of stuff going on. I'm having to pack, write resignation letters, tidy up our soon-to-be-former staff room, as well as feed myself, work and somehow get some sleep so I may not be uploading much for a while but I will try to get at least SOME stuff up here.

Honestly, I'm going to need every penny I can get once we hand in our notice.

FEEL FREE TO COMMISSION ME!!! .... *Sob*

But, anyway. That's the news from my end. Let's see me not upload another journal for ANOTHER year or 2. Pfft.

I agreed to do a wall art piece for someone in the staff block that I live in. It's HUGE and I had to buy a whole load of brand new acrylic paints for it. Normally I'd charge somewhere in the region of £80-£100 depending on the size, number of colours, time etc. but this guy offered to make a time-lapse video of the process to put on my website so I knocked the price down to £65.

I told him the final price today and he was all "That's too expensive! I will pay for the paint and will also make the video, ok?"

No. Not bloody ok! That's me making NOTHING for the picture itself! He's asking if I'm happy with him paying me back to square 1. The paints cost me £30 in all. I gave him one last chance and knocked it FURTHER to £50 but I haven't had a reply yet.

This sucks though. Because he's like best friends with this complete bitch-fest of a girl who's decided to single me and my mate out for bullying, belittling and generally being a complete c*nt to! Why does this matter? We all live in the same bloody staff accommodation and I would rather have just 1 person being arsey with me and not 2. I'm still in the good side of this guy kind of.

One thing's for sure, though, I'm not lowering prices for anything anymore. This is just taking the piss. >8C

Hey guys!

I recently got into the 'Five Nights at Freddy's' game and decided to open commissions for icons of your characters as Freddy Fazbear animatronics.

If you'd like one, they cost $8 and you will need to send me

Reference
Eye design (black with glowing pupils or detailed)
Background room (eg. East Hall)
Extra details

For an extra $1 I will do a "kill screen" icon of your character in the guard's office. (Extra charge for more colours, shading, highlights, etc)

Here is an example of what you will get
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/14697798/

So, after talking with a couple of the guys from uni about prices, having shown them my work, and looking up other artists who did similar things and comparing THEIR prices with the advice that I'd been given, I now do commissions of people's pets.

ANY pets. Cats, dogs, horses, birds, reptiles, rodents, you name it.

My first work is here: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/13821633/

And here's the price list

A5 (Shaded pencil sketch) - £25
A5 (Lined and coloured) - £50
A5 (Lined and coloured with cross-hatched background.
Colour(s) of your choice) - £100

A4 (Shaded pencil sketch) - £75
A4 (Lined and coloured) - £150
A4 (Lined and coloured with cross-hatched background.
Colour(s) of your choice) - £200

Multiple pets: Add 20% for each additional pet in the picture.

If anyone's interested, please note me. :)

Tomorrow is my last day as an official resident of Norfolk (UK). On Friday I'll be travelling the 400 miles to Cornwall where I'll be living permanently (coming back for graduation whotsits but, after that, I'm gone).

I'm really excited about it but I'm also really REALLY nervous. I've been looking forward to this for the past 9 months or so and now that it is literally a day and a half away, I'm really knotted up and scared. I feel like there's so much I should have done or said or whatever. Mum and I went out for a coffee the other day and my brother and I went to the cinema today to see 'Maleficent' which was fun (awesome film! Go and see it if you get the chance!)

Half the worry is knowing what to pack and making sure I take everything that I need which is kind of tough. At least I know I have a job when I get down there. Well, I have a fighting chance anyway.

I'm just kind of periodically having minor mental breakdowns right now so I'm not working on any art. Not that I haven't tried! I attempted to draw some half decent R.I.P. Rik Mayall art yesterday for my memorial blog but that failed in 0.2 seconds so I ended up doodling a dog and then gave up.

Must dash. Got packing to do, plus I need to be up stupidly early for...... a haircut -_-

Yeesh.

Night, everyone. x

Oh man. I've been here over a year and never written a journal before so I guess I'll do one now (seeing as I'm uploading more stuff lately).

The reason I never really wrote journals before was because I was busy at uni (Lies! You managed to find the time to write fanfiction!) SHUT UP!

Anyway, as of last Friday I am now free of uni! Yes! :D (a lovely guy helped me with a problem for 3 and a half hours on literally the last day. Something I'd tried to export had gone wrong and he sorted it out for me!) I'm doing a LOT more art lately and, hopefully, I'll start doing commissions too (because I have no money. Hrrgh!)

In other news I'm moving to Cornwall in the next couple of weeks or so which I have major excites about!

Er....

Ok. I think that's it for now. Kbai!