So damn disappointed in a LOT OF PEOPLE ON HERE.

Especially those who secretly support animal abusers.

Especially those who abuse people.

Especially those so blind to point two they champion the abuser because they're POPULARS.

Not sure what I'm going to do, don't think I'll leave entirely as it won't make any difference at all but seriously, shit needs to be sorted around here.

I will never, ever support FA financially unless there's a degree of transparency between admins and us.

I feel bad for those that were hurt by this.

... hurts like fuck.

Things aren't looking very good here so I'm hanging on to all the happy times.

Last year I was so fucking happy. Honestly I felt amazing. Right now I'm back to that unpleasant walkway over the pit of self-loathing and self-harm that I've managed to avoid for a while.

I'm not a proper person. I'm not able to function normally. I have a job but it's not a real job at all. I'm not able to live away from my parents because I can't take care of myself like a normal person. I shouldn't be here, all I am is a burden on everyone around me. I can't even be a good friend anymore because all I do is demand attention or want to do stuff like rp and have fun, when nobody wants to.

I try my best to talk to you guys but it's hard, so hard to just... not revert to silence and stupidity.

You're all amazing.

Basically put, Hayley needs help but doesn't know what to do about it because she's seen three behavioural therapists in the past and things always end up back at square one, so what's the point.

Promise I'll have something up that isn't emowankfest soon.

Also, if anyone plays WoW and is on the Muradin server,  Tamaron is looking for people to play with once her finals are done. I'd be greatful if you would, she needs better company than me.

When everything hits you.

This time last year I had two wonderful people that made me happy.

Now I have neither and the holidays only drive that home harder and harder.

Grandad loved Christmas. He loved to sing songs wrong and make us correct him whenever we were in the car. He'd sing "I'm dreaming of a white christmas". He'd get us all excited about Father Christmas and snow and a hundred other little things.

And he's gone now. I can still hear him singing but it's not real. He's not at home. He's not anywhere.

I had my third tooth out early today and as I was sedated a bit still (I metabolise it rather quickly but still felt a touch odd) I napped. For eight hours.

Woke up after a dream about Grandad and felt miserable.

I want it to snow, even though I hate being cold, I want it to snow so much because then everything feels like Christmas and I can pretend that I'm little and everything is fine again.

As an aside to karma, I don't know what it was I did but I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

So yeah. General update is nothing new. I'm miserable, the couple of things I enjoy in life are apparently Not Allowed, and everywhere I go Grandad is there but not and it hurts.

Hope everyone else is having a good time of it.

Apologising in advance if I'm quiet/moody/emo/generally more of a fuck-up than I usually am.

Going through something hard and it's not a happy place.

I don't mind hugs.

Repeating everything I've gone through twice already. It's about as fun as pulling teeth without painkillers or sedation.

I hope it makes things better but I'm pretty sure it won't and it'll just backfire on me like everything I try to do to improve my state of mind.

Today has been a weepy day.

It's probably just me being stupid again but...

I really don't like it when people think it's necessary to make you feel like a complete fucking idiot for being charitable sometimes.

How many times can an Assassin fall off a great big castle?

Five and a half.

It took me several attempts to rescue Caterina Sforza, twice because I accidentally ran out of range and once because she sped off on her horse and I accidentally leapt off into a crowd of Borgia guards.

Then.

Then I was able to go fetch my own baby Assassins.

This made me happy and also sad and angry.

I recruited the first few and was gleefully sending them off on business when I went to tackle a Borgia tower.

Mistake One: I accidentally hit the Send In Bro button.

Mistake Two: Two were free, so two showed up.

Mistake Three: Every. Guard. Around. Turned up to hand us our asses. I lost a level one I hadn't even dressed up pretty yet and my level two only lady assassin ;n; ASSHOLE BORGIA.

Having learned my lesson I burned their stupid tower and flounced off with all the fury Ezio could summon to replenish my little Brohood as, during the whole Oh Shit We're Boned session, one of my missions with two assassins on failed MISERABLY so I lost almost all of my assassins.

First guy I run into? THEY KNOCK HIM OFF THE EDGE OF THE CLIFF. GODDAMN BORGIA, YOU ASSHOLES. I took names.

Second guy, well, that was my bad. I got distracted by treasure boxes and then I couldn't find them.

Third Person: I got to about ten feet away (I had been steaming across the map, Rome is the biggest map of ANY AC game) and DEADED.

Now being royally sulky I managed to succesfully rescue more baby assassins and now they're all running around doing things for meeee like good little minions. I now have arrow storm, too. TAKE THAT, BORGIA SCUM.

Also, doing the Brotherhood of Romulus hideout by the pyramid? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT IN EIGHT FUCKING MINUTES. SERIOUSLY. I spent all the minutes running around in circles until my brother told me to follow the torches. >8[

Ezio now sports deliciously dyed cape and robes. Oh yeah, work it baby.

I just need to meet Leonardo Dude Vinci now and I can be happy.

Still want to doodle my dumb little assassin oc.

(Also for some reason the Romulus guys make me think of Audric. I KNOW I AM SO LAME)

Entire journal can be chalked up to boredom and the fact I haven't heard from a friend in almost 24 hours, because I'm just that much of a pathetic person I panic without regular contact :/

I am laughing my ass off.

http://www.foddy.net/Athletics.html

EVERYONE'S A WINNER OKAY

... or Assassins.

Either way, jump in and you run the risk of stabbity doom.

I am kinda proud of this evening though, I managed to get from 1 to 7 all by myself :D Well, my brother directed me a bit but the last three levels were all me. I got a double escape from just... standing there, doing nothing whilst the hunting team took out all the civilians. Then I bashed them and ran 8D

I scored amazingly that game.

I'm still sucky at hunting/free-running but it's been like, three years since I played the first (my only) AC.

All this makes me want to doodle my assassin girl again. Corrin, you will see the light of day... sometime (she also DID have a pigeon friend... and now Brotherhood has HANDY PIGEONS. YAY PIGEONS.)

So I'm still not well. I'm trying to medicate and sleep to get over this but the chest infection part is driving me nuts and I can't stop coughing my lungs all over the place.

So I try to, y'know, feel better with a couple of sources of rp. Like, the only outlets I have left.

And lately every time I try I'm pretty much left feeling like I'd probably be better off not fucking bothering. Everyone else can rp fine without me there, but the second somebody else in the group leaves IT HAS TO STOP COMPLETELY and everybody goes to bed.

Same group also forgot to tell me they'd jumped back into a previous concept, so I was left hanging for a few days. THANKS GUYS. Or just thanks to the one person that bothered to fucking TELL ME.

Or I just get left wondering what I'm doing wrong to be dumped time and time again.

As I'm ill, I like the one or two things that are kind of puttering along (in some cases it's puttering, in others it's more half abandoned) and they cheer me up.

But no. I shouldn't bother trying to enjoy myself because apparently it's bad to want to have fun/cheer yourself up when you're sick. God forbid I try to cheer people up when they're under the weather.

Basically I just want to have fun but all the people I have fun with just don't want to know, it seems. It feels great to be The Least Interesting Thing On The Planet.

84 is an awesome age but aww damn :c

I'm just gonna hibernate until spring is here.

I hate getting a bad chest at the drop of a hat, especially when I NEED to walk around outside to try and boost my inner morale.

Unfortunately the cold hits my lungs and invites a wagon of chest infection with it.

Also snotty and dizzy and generally bleh and some bad news on top of that makes it more meh.

(I would also like to have more, consistant art mojo, pls)

*sniffles*

One of the things I saw being banded about the shitfest that was the ToS update thread, was the fact that these poor cub artists would somehow lose out on business.

What is stopping them from drawing clean art?

What is stopping them from, gasp, drawing -something else- to make up for it?

One thing I've learned is that specialising in one subject matter seldom pays off unless you're fucking good at it. Otherwise it makes sense to, y'know, keep your horizons broad and your trades as many as you can manage.

If you have the ability to draw and to colour or to write you can just as easily pick another subject matter. It's not really that hard to do unless you've jammed yourself so far into your own niche that extraction is nigh-on impossible.

Also, to the WHAT NEXT brigadiers, STFU already goddamn.

And to the people who are so terribly disappointed that, gasp, people are glad to have rid of child porn? Shut up yourselves. I'm pretty sure y'all would be jubilant if puppy kickers and kitten stompers were banned (BUT THEY'RE NOT REAL HUMAN CHILDREN LOLOLOL).

The only bizarre thing about this whole escapade is that people are making such a stink about it. Seriously. What.

---

Anyway, back to cleaning before I get out a bit more today. It's still so goddamn cold. I'mma try and draw when I'm done but I don't think much will come of it, ahah.

Moony dear, I need you to note me the changes to your commission. Artic, I have not forgotten you!

Instead of staying in I went back out with mum, nanna and sister.

We shopped.

I rediscovered why I don't like shopping much.

My feet and back hate me and I discovered that it still gets very cold in November.

I also learned that bearded, tattooed biker-looking dudes can work in the little fruit hut in Morrisons pricing bananas, which are still my enemy.

I saw an old Dr Who annual but I wasn't gonna dish out £10 for it, even if it was interesting in the front :<

Stollen is the most awesome thing ever and I must either make some or figure out how to stockpile it. I haven't had any since I was in Australia in 2004. THE STOLLEN MONSTER HAS BEEN AWOKEN.

 candycollie got me a build-a-bear owl for christmas. I called him Oliver. He is the softest thing in the world and tucked away in my bed.

Tartan scarf, ftw.

Bought some bird things for the garden because the fluffies need noms too :< Got a suet block feeder, two blocks and a fat feeder thingy.

Bought a couple of christmas presents for niece and cousin's kids. Have Dad's, getting brother's and then I need to get everyone elses. Family = LOTS OF PRESENTS.

Anyway, off for dinners now, buhbye.

As I am Le British and don't celebrate Thanksgiving, I'mma mooch around.

With my popcorn.

Just gonna watch people do their thing.

Maybe draw.

Waiting for my face to recover from numb, yay filling that took ten minutes and I didn't even feel the needle. Greek Dentist Man, you are awesome.

Second tooth extraction sometime next week AND I'LL NEVER HAVE TO GO BACK. Well, in six months I will BUT STILL.

It brought me to tears.

Oh my god, Pixar. You are an amazing company.

Well, I kind of am. Two molars removed on the bottom left jaw, so now there's a considerable gap there.

Living off of liquid foods and tea and regular saltwater rinses (I always swallow some so I have to avoid wretching x_x) until I'm allowed to attempt harder foods.

One more removal and then a filling to go and dentists shouldn't ever have to go near my goddamn mouth again >:c

Also these little floss wands are awesome fun.

Drawing is a pain in the ass, as ever. I miss having my muse around.

Look at anything from the Cambrian and Devonian, especially trilobites and specifically the Moroccan trilobites.

JUST LOOK AT THEM.

http://www.fossilmuseum.net/Fossil_.....tesMorocco.htm

Trilobites were, I believe, unique in that the lenses in their eyes were MADE OUT OF ROCK. Or calcite, which is a crystalline form of chalk.

Also see:

Anomalocaris
Opabinia

There's so much we can only speculate about from all those millions of years ago, but they're pretty damn neat.

Avatar is a poppy for most of this week, need not explain why.

Fear not, Sidapo will return.

Mostly my own stupid artblock combined with illness and toothache and lack of things.

I have a pile of biros/ball-point pens. I'm using a rather hesitant one at the moment and it's really kinda fun. It doesn't give a solid line, instead it's sort of broken and awesome to doodle in. This is why I never throw away dying pens; they produce some of the best doodles.

Granted, once they really do pop it, I have to get rid but this one has plenty of ink, it's just grumpy.

Sometimes having some perspective on things doesn't make you feel any better.

Still hurt, still miss him.

the pain is rediculous, i'm gonna talk to mum about it tomorrow if the antibiotics don't kick in (been on them for 24 hours now)

pain is spreading up the side of my face

if this turns out to be something bad i will cry

fucking... i just want to curl up and sob until it stops

can't sleep, can't draw, can't do anything to take my mind off of it

post things to cheer me up pls :c doodles or macros or writtedy things or anything i just want to smile

Is a wonderful, wonderful book chocked full of delicious concept art. There are a huge number of pages given to the design of the prawns, their ships and the armour suit (which initially looked totally different but still awesome).

There are also a few pages given over to the design of all the logos for the D9 company, MNU, the news and various other things in there.

Also came with a prawn ID stencil, so if I ever figure out how make a costume I can spray it with this :D

It's taught me that nomatter how much of a selfless, unconditional, loving person you are life will find a way to tear your heart out and shit in the hole it leaves behind.

It will leave you a bitter, jealous, lacklustre husk of a person on top of everything you were.

There will be no sympathy, or empathy, or anything of the sort.

Just the gradually dawning realisation that you've yet again become another nobody.

Feelings have just been compounded in the last few months to a point I just can't see any good left in everything I used to hold dear.

I wish I could just say I don't care anymore, but that's the saddest part of this. I can't stop caring. I can't stop loving. Like a loyal dog I will take all the beatings in the world and still keep on loving, because I must somehow deserve them.

I miss everything I used to have. I want them all back but I can't ever have them.

A lot of you have something precious. Keep a hold of it and never take it for granted, because when you have it it makes the world that much of a brighter place.

I've tried being happy and it never worked out, so I can safely say I am not the architect of my own misery. I'm merely it's plaything.

This is what 2010 has taught me. I will continue to learn, but perhaps this is all I really need to know anymore. I will be disappointed by everything.

the past 24 hours have been a horrific combination of pain, fatigue and being cold and so lonely.

tomorrow is emergency appointment for tooth

gdi i feel like shit right now

Okay so it's just codeine (co-codamol 30mg, the next highest is Tylenol-4 with 60mg).

I am struggling to keep track of what the hell I'm on but I think as of 6pm/a bit earlier I was on one co-codamol and one paracetamol and two ibuprofen.

Also I am naming my hot towel because it is my best friend currently.

*keeps it stuck to the side of her jaw*