Has it really been 4 years since we've posted something onto here? Wild.
So, soooo much has happened in that time, and it would take waaaay too long to explain it all.
There's been a few successes (graduating college, and loving my body enough to get into sex work), and a shit ton of failures (major mental breakdown and subsequent loss of employment). A slight pronoun change on account of our DID system (she/they), and more additions to our system, too (which we should really sit down and write something about ourselves at some point). Also, gained the ability to blend (two or more of us fronting simultaneously, hence the "they"), which is......fun (our girlfriend is amazingly perceptive, and can usually tell when we are without us saying much....it's wild).
I, the host, want to post here more (I miss it sometimes), and some of the others (that never have) want a chance at it, too. Sooooo....we'll see if that ends up happening.
Until next time!

I will tell you this again:
You can doubt me at your own peril.
I'll just burn hotter,
like I've dipped into an oil barrel.
Call me Dhalsim,
'cause my flames will bring Catastrophe.
Or Iblis, if you dare,
and consider me a travesty.
My satisfaction's guaranteed,
as long as I do what I need.
My life in order is my goal,
and when achieved
I will be freed.
You look at me like I'm abnormal.
Cut me.
Think I will not bleed?
Your words; they wound me deep, indeed,
as well as light me up like weed.
That's your perrogative.
Such a pity and a tragedy.
And, I will make you see,
and give you reason to be mad at me.
You're just another name and face
inside the notebook in my mind,
and I will kill you and the rest.
Don't think I will?
Just give it time.
Abandon ship cause I'm not trying hard enough?
You've gone blind.
Go get a new prescription,
come right back here,
and I'm sure you'll find:
I'm still behind the line
and standing tall cause I don't want to cross.
I've held my ground and taken it for years,
so I'd avoid a loss.
But, now I'm critical,
like you are.
I'm not afraid of you.
Just stay there in your kitchen,
and don't dip into my pot of stew.
You're talking to the future,
so don't speak unless you're spoken to.
Just shut your mouth and watch,
as I show you what I'm gonna do.

Past.
Present.
Future.
Resentment.
Hatred.
Despair.
I resent my past more than I can express.
I was wronged by so many that I trusted,
and that, in turn, caused me to wrong others,
as well as myself.
Those mistakes,
those failures,
those mistreatings,
and those heartbreaks?
I have to live with them all;
very often, I wish not to.
I have hated myself for a very long time,
and this present is no different.
But, I don't only hate myself.
The list is long,
and before I would even finish writing it here,
either most of them would be dead,
or I would be.
Living with a fantastic memory is both a gift and a curse;
it all depends on your perspective,
or the circumstances in my case.
At times, I can remember having such fun with some close family members,
and at other times I can remember those same members beating and stomping me to near unconsciousness.
How does one filter such things through their mind?
Most would say "will."
Well, while I may have had the will to endure it,
I do not have the will to forget it,
nor the will to not wince and remember how the pain felt when it comes through my mind.
To this end, I have but one question:
Is that not an "acceptable" way to feel?
I despair for my future.
My past and present make me not want to even try,
lest history continue to repeat itself.
I will be clear: I am not insane.
I try different methods with each attempt,
and they all blow up in my face spectacularly.
What's the saying?
"Time heals all wounds?"
Well, I say malarkey.
Time will never heal these critical injuries,
and no one will ever be able to fill the void inside of me.
At least...
that's how the majority of me feels.

Past.
Present.
Future.
Kindness.
Compassion.
Self-sacrifice.
Failure.
Disappointment.
Resentment.
Bitterness.
Despair.
Hatred.
It seems that due to the nature of my fate,
my past will never truly remain my past.
That being the case, my past perpetually becomes my present
time and time again.
If this shall be my future...
then I will retire myself by my own hand.

My mind is all mucked up.
My mama made me fucked up.
No wonder I look bucked up.
They tell me, "You're so stuck up."
So, now, I guess your luck's up.
It's time to tell you what's up
and spill out all your contents
like I knocked over a full cup.
You told me, "Speak your mind.
There's no need to hold yourself back."
You're either out your mind,
or you're smoking on some good crack.
I'll start off by addressing
the mere fact that you are so whacked.
You think you're hot shit,
but it's clear that you have no tact
and no brain.
Your methods only served to make me insane.
The beatings and beratings.
All you did was bring me much pain.
To what end?
Humiliating me until I broke and cried.
Leading me to think that I was crazy,
'til I'd wish I'd died.
Telling me I'm "selfish"
when I pushed myself to make you happy.
Making me feel worthless
'cause you're feeling very low and crappy.
Blaming me for breaking up the family?
Bitch!
I worked so hard to keep it all together,
running strong.
Hell, I worked the hardest.
Kept it to myself,
though I'd always get the urge to shout it.
Many nights I'd cried myself to sleep
after praying 'bout it.
So, you dare to come at me
with the gall to claim me wrong?
You don't have the bloody right,
so go elsewhere with that song.
Your opinions mean nothing,
and your "facts" are incorrect.
See, the lot is dead to me
and I've paid them my respect.
So, I mean it all, you dumb bitch.
Go run and tell'em that, snitch.
It will not make a difference
'cause my mind is set and won't switch.
My family loves to talk shit.
Well, I'm a tough opponent.
This leaves you feeling raw?
Come and get some if you want it.
Remember that I'm "crazy,"
and not to mention "lazy."
Told my dad not to save me
because I wasn't worthy.
In childhood you would beat me
to "teach" me "how to fight."
I can "teach you how to die" now.
Come learn it if you'd like.

Chica to the left
and Pinkamena to the right of me.
Hope you're good and ready friend,
'cause you've just won the lottery.
Night just gets better.
Good times shaping up like pottery.
Is it time to party?
Seeing red...so it's gotta be~
Many call me "crazy,"
but that isn't really true to me.
I am just fine.
It is they who've lost their sanity.
Just a simple baker.
Baking cupcakes is my specialty.
Best prepare yourself;
you alive ain't in the recipe.
I can't comprehend
why you wouldn't wanna party with
me all night.
Not like I'll go on a killing spree.
Slit your mother's throat?
Leave your girlfriend hanging from a tree?
Drown your best friend?
Well, that certainly just isn't me.
Can't you understand?
We have games, sex, and booze
for free!
So, you can't refuse,
'less you wanna live under the sea~
Yeah, it's time to party,
and your presence fills me up with glee!
We'll do this forever,
cause you'll suffer if you try to flee.

They don't matter.
None of them matter.
As long as I have you, I don't care.
Others hurt me, wound me deeply.
They leave scars that will never heal,
no matter how much time passes.
But, you will never hurt me,
because I love you.
Any scar that you leave upon me is not a scar,
but proof of your love.
With you, others cannot hurt me,
because you will hurt them in return,
and leave scars that they will remember for eternity.

Others betray me, leave me for dead in my darkest hour.
Stab me from behind when I least expect.
You will never betray me though,
for my reflection shows clearly from you.
You are an extension of me,
and I you.
All betrayers and trespassers shall know our fury,
as we cut them down
together.

You are my blade,
and I am your handle.
We are sharp,
and rip through flesh easily.
As long as I have you
lovers,
family,
friends,
acquaintances,
murder,
right,
wrong,
life,
death...
none of it matters.
As I sit here in this corner holding you tight,
with the most gleeful of smiles upon my face,
I am once again reminded that you are all that I need.

You are such an idiot.
Seriously, you sicken me.
I hate you.
Go away.
Far away.
It goes "Out of sight, out of mind.", right?
Well, leave my sight, before I go out of my mind,
and end you.
Love you?
Don't be foolish.
Care about you?
Again, don't be foolish.
You are nothing to me.
You have always been nothing to me.
You are ugly, too nice, and too forgiving.
Not to mention a disgusting creature that will never be
what you truly feel that you should.
You're a loser that even your mother doesn't love.
Just do the world a favor and disappear;
everyone will be better off without you.
Begone, worthless garbage.

There exists a long corridor
with many doors along each wall.
To the left are doors of dark brown
with a dark shadow being cast from
the small cracks between them and the floor,
and a red necktie nailed to the center of each.
Sitting neatly above every one are pink masks
displaying the same expressions of rage.
To the right are doors of bright tan
with a white light shining
from the cracks beneath,
and a kitchen apron nailed to their centers.
Sitting crookedly above those are light blue masks
displaying an emotionless expression.
Two beings,
a male and a female,
traverse down this corridor hand-in-hand,
with smirks on their faces.
What is this place?
They do not concern themselves with that question
for they already know the answer.
Why does it exist?
How did they arrive here?
They have always been here.
It has always existed within both of them,
for it is a product of their experiences in life.
The pair continue ahead
as the ceiling and floor
become enveloped in darkness.
The neckties hiss
and lunge forward at the male,
not unlike snakes,
while fire begins to
shoot out from beneath the doors.
The aprons growl and bark in fury
at the female
like rabid dogs,
as a freezing air is released
from beneath the doors' cracks.
With their eyes forward,
they continue on hand-in-hand,
unwaivering in the face of such intimidation.
Alone, they may have relented and retreated,
but they walk together against it all.
Criticisms,
judgements,
and the like,
no longer have power over them;
they gained power together,
and together they will now exert that power.
Reaching the end,
they find a tree decorated with
a red bow, a light blue bow,
a pink ribbon, a silver ribbon,
and the trunk glowing with a golden aura.
They turn and gaze into each others' eyes
for a moment,
then simultaneously place a hand on the tree.
As they become enveloped by the golden light,
they both smile their most loving smile
with a knowing, understanding, and happiness
towards what is to come.

What I felt for you was real.
Despite what I may have said to others...
that was an absolute truth.

The smiles I displayed to you were genuine,
as were the compliments I gave.
There were no ulterior motives behind my actions and words;
everything was from the heart.

I knew that there was no way that you could reciprocate, though.
Deep down...I truly knew it.
But, being the fool that I am, I thought that there was a small chance.

Oh...what a foolish mistake...

I didn't push hard, though.
Hell, I barely pushed at all.
I meant it when I said that I valued our friendship above everything else.

But...
you were conflicted from the moment that I first revealed my feelings.
You made it a point to often re-iterate the futility of harbouring them,
and I usually shrugged you off.
There was a reason though:
your actions spoke a completely different language from your words.

Still...
I remained your friend...
watching as you flopped back and forth...
slightly playing along with it...
watching for signs of major change...
and then...
everything came to a head...
and ended everything that was...



I saw a picture of you today.
The one of you looking cute...
cute to me, anyway...

I looked at it for just a few seconds...
and, it all came rushing back...
and, with it, came questions.

Questions likely to never be answered.

Then...
I remembered something...
it was in your voice...
something you asked me on the night of our end.

"How long will it take you to get over me?"

I told you then that it depended on certain things.
That I couldn't estimate.

Well...

Let's see if I can now.

Hmm...

I still care...
and, I always will...
I know that we aren't even friends anymore...
But, I still do...

So...

Nope...

I still can't...

What I felt for you was real.
I said horrible things about you out of the frustration you caused me...
but, that's an absolute truth.

Also...

I'm still not over you...

Decapitation.
Biological dilation.
Inhumane extermination.
To-tal annihilation.
Worst murder in the nation.
Can't find the victim?
In a pile of ash is where they're laying.
Burnt down the house.
Man, my doctor claimed I went insane.
Said something snapped.
Something very deep inside my brain.
Cold blood?
In my veins.
Killing people?
Can't refrain.
Chop them into pieces,
and then feed a flame with the remains.
Filling me with so much stress
made me leave a bloody mess,
stop a funeral,
kill their family, friends, and all the rest.
Had a barbecue;
all attending had supplied the meat.
Neverending heat
turned them charcoal black from head to feet.

Now suffer my wrath.
More vicious than a Tyrunt when I bite.
Scream like a Charmander.
You won't make it through the night.
They'll be naught except for ashes.
Yeah, these fireballs will cleanse you.
Make your last move,
cause I'm closing out your menu.
Surfing with this Swagger
and it's causing you Confusion.
But, I am not a ghost
and this is surely no illusion.
Not a Psychic, but my Future Sight
foretold that I'd Return.
Now, it's time for my Revenge.
Payback back all that you have earned.
Must be trippin' off some mushrooms
to think that I would lie
underground without an extra life.
Now, you'll truly die.
Come like Ash with his Pikachu
and strike you out the sky.
Better yet, with his Charizard,
to make you lamers fry.
Or, Luigi, at you like a missle.
Cavin' in yo' dome.
Riding on you with a blue shell
to make you "winners" gone.
Cause, you're done. I'll stay Starman runnin'
past you. I'm the present.
You're a peasant, and you're quite unpleasant.
Flock off, you Unfezant.

I am a fighter.
I have been such for as long as I can remember, but I have never been very good at it.
Despite that, I continue, because it is all that I have ever known.
I have done so for food.
I have done so for money.
I have done so for life.
I have done so for peace.

I am a fighter that doesn't only fight for myself.
I have jumped in to helped those who are outnumbered,
or those who aren't strong enough to fight for themselves.
I don't expect compensation, or even thanks.
What do I look like? A mercenary?
Everyone needs a little help at times, and I am more than happy to provide it.

I am a fighter that never wins.
What good is a fighter that never truly wins?
What good comes from fighting losing battles over and over?
Nothing.
Not a single thing.
What is gained from my uselessness?
Pain.
Remorse.
Regrets.
Resentment.
Helping others?
Please.
I can barely help myself, so what good am I to someone else.
And, even if I did help, they wouldn't be grateful, and may even turn on me.
So, the question now is: Why bother?
Why have I ever?
Oh!
That's right!
I thought that I was doing some good in the world by helping others.
I thought that if I fought enough that I would eventually achieve my goals.

How naive of me.

What is love?

I know not of it.

However, I do know the digust that my ideas, voice, and very existence cause many to show for me.

The digust that causes me to hate myself.

What is happiness?

I know not of it.

However, I do know the sadness that is brought about by every perceived positive moment being turned negative in some way, shape, or form by some force, whether internal, or external.

The sadness that brings me to despair.

What is peace?

I know not of it.

However, I do know the chaos brought about from the pursuit of it.

Working to complete a goal, only to find that more things begin to require my attention.

One more thing becomes ten more things, and continue to build until I become buried by them, even after organizing and prioritizing.

In the end, this chaos drives me to madness.

If love exists, I shall never truly feel it.

If happiness exists, I shall never truly experience it.

If peace exists, I shall never truly achieve it.

In place of love, I shall share the hatred that has been gifted to me by those who I once respected.

In place of happiness, I shall dwell in the chasm of despair I was thrown into by my countless failures, and others' countless betrayals.

In place of peace, I shall revel in the madness that I was driven to by my desire for it, and the many who desired that I not have it.

Envy is my reality.
Cursed to live an unhappy life,
while others live the opposite.
Watching and waiting...
Observing the situations...
Then walking in when I feel it's opportune.
I've studied closely,
learning as much as I could about the subject.
And, in time, we've grown fond and close.
So, it's time to see if what I've felt and observed is actually how I've perceived it.
................
Success...
Failure...
It's all relative.
Unhappiness...
Misery...
Humiliation...
Depression...
Despair...
In the end,
no matter how it plays out,
these are my only "truths."
Time...and time...and time again...
I've tried to fight it...
I've tried to change it...
But, there are no permanent alterations...
................
Cursed to watch as others live in contentment,
while I sit unfulfilled.
Some engaged in successful or new romances...
Some content without a romantic companion...
And, others with working agreements of mutual...satisfaction.
But, what of I?
Why must I be denied?
Why must fate laugh at me,
or tease me with new prospects,
only to yank them away at the end?!
Jealousy?!
No. Way off the mark.
I want to be happy with someone,
be it romantically or sexually...
Or, I want to be able to be content without romance.
I've tried...and I've failed...too many times to count.
Happiness does not exist for me.
Contentment is so far from my reach that it's a joke to fathom.
Misery is all that I have.
Misery...
And envy.

Sunset.
Sweet sunset.
I love to gaze upon thee.
You end the day in a beautiful way,
and carry night upon a dazzling tray.
I feel my troubles from the day fading away
as I examine your display from my window.
The troubles of night soon will take me away
marked by a very violent crescendo.
But, of this I shall not think
lest I sink into the dark swamps early.
Yes, the evil abyss filled with acid and mist.
Where my vision shall blurry and my mind will then twist.
And my rage becomes king and my anger will fester,
and all of my rational thoughts become jester.
And death is an option that seems great to use...
to end all this pain...
but I'm too scared to choose...
So, now, I won't linger on thoughts of near future.
There is still time, so my wounds remain sutured.
But, when this time has passed and the moonlight has set...
The demons will awaken...
and I will again be their pet.

I miss you.
I miss you so much that it hurts.
You always showed me love,
And taught me right from wrong...well, mostly.
You did your best, even though you weren't my mom.
You gave me what she couldn't, or rather wouldn't:
You gave me hope.
Hope that I could be great.
Hope that I would make it through my hardships and challenges.
Hope that I could be as much of a helpful person as I wished to be.
And, you did it all with a smile on your face.
You did it all with open arms.
You did it all with kindness and love in your heart.

"We'll always talk."

You would tell me that, and it would mean the world to me.
I miss our talks.
I just wish that I would have talked more with you towards the end.
But, I know that you don't hold it against me,
Because you understand.
You always understood.
You always acknowledged the good in me when no one else would.
And, I never got to thank you for that...
I hope that I can one day be at least half as great a woman as you were.
I will always love you, as you always showed me love.
I will do my best to never forget the things that you taught me.
And, I will continue on my path knowing that you were proud of me, no matter what.