1. I have finely gotten my room all cleaned up down to the last detail and have a system put together that should keep it from ever getting to messy ever again!

2. I have cleaned up my fa message box and told various artists how good their art is by leaving well thought out and relevant comments on the art they have posted.

3. I have cleaned up the yard and tilled the garden so that new plants can be grown and have the weed whacker all tuned up and ready for this years use.

4. At long last I have gotten around to connecting with various loved ones who I feel I have been neglecting horribly and have figured out another system to make sure that doesn't happen again as well as I had several deep heart-to-heart talks about spiritual things with people I have been worried about and think I did a great job of conveying my thoughts without making them feel pressured one way or the other so they can make their own minds up about what I see as super important issues.

5. And last but certainly not least I have found a way to carefully spread my wings from the nest without breaking it so that I may now see any of my fur family as soon as the opportunities arise!

And!..... ... ... ITS ALL A LIE ......

oh, and here is that majestic penguin

Just a little journal to let everyone know I am not dead.... just always so behind and disorganized.


Anyways I took the latest version of one of those tests designed to determine which of the main 6 you are like,

I reverse order it went,

6. pinkie pie (way super low read out)
5. rainbow dash
4. applejack
3. twilight
2. Rarity
1. fluttershy (really strong read out)


you can see the results themselves right here:
http://www.bronyland.com/pony-perso.....st/?q=ODc3OHww


6. Pinkie

I was rather disappointed how low I got on pinkie pie... but as I thought about it though we are both jokesters and love laughter to no end when it comes to our qualities regarding friendship and interacting with other ponies...

Yeah, pinkie is social and open to no bounds, instantly greeting strangers on her way... I generally try to avoid contact with unfamiliar faces, unless of course I think they will be offended if they notice me avoiding them.

And me host/throw a party? or maybe even a surprise party meaning I am setting stuff up that I don't know for sure they will like (games, decorations, food, ect) ? ...... EEEEEEP! not me, nope, not me at all
so yeah, probably fair in the end



5. Rainbowdash

Yeah, again seemed a little low but this one was far more understandable, I do love competition and sports and am a good runner but rainbow dash can be rather loud... and braggy, not really my thing as I might not be a loser but I just don't have that much to brag about and just rather not drag attention to myself in general anyways.



4. Applejack

She is my favorite pony, so cute and graceful yet so full of strength. I try to be honest and always hard working but there are some differences between us, for one thing she is fairly forward, will just tell you as it is, I am a bit to nervous for that sort of thing, also she loves to sell stuff and do business, I would feel awkward ever trying to convince someone that something I had was so good they should give me money for it *blush*

And also she is very brave, not just when she is cornered but just all around, I am brave when I need to be, or at least try to be but not like applejack.



3. Twilight
Well if there is one thing I do like to point as one of my best qualities its my smarts, she and I both love to collect knowledge and understanding and try to help with logic and reason.

But I do differ from her in that I do seem to have a more "open" view, twilight sometimes is rather quick to dismiss this or that, I like to leave my options open. Also where twilight sometimes seems to think that because something is sensible and logical that people should be able to accept it and think that way once they know the reasons. I on the other hand am far less confident that telling why I think something will instantly cause others to see it my way.



2. Rarity

er..... this one might be broken, the test is admittedly a constant work in progress much like so many good things and they did say they had some issues with the rarity read outs.


I do try to try to be giving but in the end I am a real penny pincher and a hoarder, also I don't care or at least understand fashion very much.

Few things we would have in common is that we both like art, though she can make it I don't much get around to it.


1. Fluttershy,

uuuuuummmm.... I guess I see it, I mean we are both on the timid end of things... and I do love my private space and do give out a lot of love to all my loved ones, but I don't know, for one thing fluttershy is very graceful, I am clumsy and very messy, she is also a good singer, I guess I am okay but not like her, and last but not least I very much doubt fluttershy would let here account linking her to so many friends to go quite this inactive... yeah, not sure how much I really mach but maybe I guess, its at least a very sweet thought anyways,

I just got an account and I am still a having a good bit of trouble learning how to make full use of it, for now I think I will actually keep my username out of public posts to avoid trouble but just comment and I will send you my username in a note.

Well thanks all *licks*

this clip here claims they are the result of a parasite using the snails as a pit stop, even extending the life of the snail like one of the goueled off of star gate
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fkiL-v4X8w8


But I think thats just a cover story, truth is these are alians stranded on earth and trying to summon the mothership down to pick them up

Last month made a journal thinking it was fathers day but was a tad confused,
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2355612/

well now it is fathers day!

hee hee, so now I wonder if anyone did anything special or fun? so did anybody?

I love my mother and love her with all my heart and would NEVER want to hurt her as I love her and wouldn't want to loose her, BUT thing is she can be a bit over protective, somtimes I can't help but think of myself as a bird with stunted wings unable to fly because he was never let out of the nest.

I can't seem to go out or anything without her approvel so more a less, well, I don't. And that coupled with my naturally bad people skills and inclination to reclusiveness means that well for one thing its been literally years since any peer has called me from the phone. I haven't been to any houses or for even longer, and heck if I can even remember the last time I had a friend over here, 10+ years at least.

And forget ever trying to meet any friends from over the computer, For one thing she has always been afraid of people she doesn't know through a pre-establshed connection, and second her first dealings with a "username" or should I say pen name as it was her pen pal didn't go so well, he turned out to be an abussive drunk that after taking her from her home country and family later chased her out of the house into this foreign land with kids in toe. Then to top it all off later died by suicide, and incase you didn't guess that would be my father.... yay dad....

Truth is I have already pushed my luck as is even having online friends.

Now when all is said and done I don't really mind staying just to myself all tucked away a hairs breath away from the deffination of a hermet, sure it can be painful but what in life isn't?


However I am no longer the only person who this effects, now that I have cubs, some who would do almost anything to have me hold them even for a short time, it is no longer just my problem.

Some of my sweeties desprately want me to visit them or to visit me, or to at least go out some time toghether. But no one on the internet is even supposed to know what time zone I am in, let alone what I actually look like.

But how can I even possible start to get enough freedom to get to meet any of them? I have to, its my responsibility as there father.... even if I myself am a bit mis-shapen I must find a way.

as we know it, and I feel fine C:

I hate to bump my last journal so soon even if I got the date on it wrong and will consider re-posting or something on the appropriate date but this is "important".

For those of you who might not have heard tomarrow is the date harald camping set for the rapture. Now being a person who has accepted Jesus as saviour I would be safe even if it were true, But that being said I 99.99999999999999999999999999999999999999999983625183 and a half percent sure that I will be around on sunday.

In the end I think ever trying to set a date for the rapture will do more harm then good because your either going be wrong or people probebly won't have heard you cause ASSUMING that you have been granted knowlege that God in his limeted corporial form didn't even know the bible still says that he will come like a theif in the night so at very least if you do find out not very many other people are going hear you.

As for herald camping... well I try not to judge as I could always be wrong and even if I am not well let he who is rightious cast the first stone :p
so I wouldn't really want to make a deffinate call, but the way I would be leaning is this,

Though I am currently to lazy to find the refrances there are countless warnings in both the old and new testiment about false prophets that will try to use the name of God for personal gain, and try to create a following not centered around God as they claim but centered around themselves, though I have also been to lazy to look this up it was either harald or one of his super close assosiates that have predicted the end before, and because the end came all OTHER churches were now under the power of saten, that is to say only his followers are true christians. Now that to me sounds like someone trying to use God to get the worship and light shined on there own faces, so agian though I wouldn't want to be the one to make an official decree what I know seems to suggest that he is not someone working for who he claims to.

and well that about sums it up, see ya sunday folks :p

Edit: so it seems fathers day is june 19? wonder how I got that turned around, oh well, the below is still true

Well this was ment to be realeased on fathers day but I forgot yesteday was the 17, so anyways here is something about those that are the fatherly figures to parts of the fandom.

All around the fandom there are furs of every size, shape, collor species and age. And all of these come with there own needs, wants and desires that have come about through anything from fasination to traumatic events or other hardships.

For many babyfurs/lilfurs and even some diaper furs one of the desires is to be cared for, agian this could come from merely intrest but often when dealing with babyfurs you will find that in one way or another this is the result of well... damage, just as many furries don't feel 100% secure in regards to reguelar humans for instance, somehow these furs have ended up desireing for someone who will care for them as a typical parrent would there own young.

Now while some from this group do double as caretakers there is a group that seems to really specailize in gathering and careing for cubs to try and fill these needs. Tavonwulfe, shoogy, raikan or threeinone are a few of these furs.

Father furs can be a hard bunch to find, and if you do find one its hard to find one that doesn't already have there hands full. It does take a special person to fill these roles after all considering the title "father fur" isn't just a title as some might think, yes the little ones they take care of are in body usually (though not always) able bodied adults who techniqually know how to take care of themselves and have the mental capicity of adults.

However there is one little issue, the issue of the affore mentioned damage or needs. Many babyfurs don't just want someone to call father or such, what they want is "replacement" or stand in parrents.

While most babyfurs do desire to be taken care of physically to re-affirm the bond and also feel loved and to just be plain old cared for the bigger job is usually the emotional side of things in my experiance.

What most cubs want most is someone to confide in and talk to about there problems just like real parrents and who will comfort them when they feel scarred, sad or angry for whatever reasons, As a father fur myself I have found this to often be the hardest part, to try and put together a person who is still partly child and easily troubled, while at the same time often adult and more difficult to teach new tricks.

I guess thats a good part of why babyfurs are baby furries. After all how many wouldn't love to at least show concern for small childern? or perhaps animals? Or of course, little children that are part animal. Soft fuzzy features with wanting intellegent eyes looking for someone to love and care for them.

Many babyfurs have needs such as these, but at the same time father furs can be a bit sparce, after all furries as a whole know that there a very diffrent body behind the "mask" of a fursona, how many people would want a possibly teenaged or maybe even middle aged man (or woman) with emotional troubles crying onto your shoulders? Not to mention that the physical aspects can come into play.

So to those that are the father furs or even those who are the rare mother furs out there that tend to much the same needs, thankyou for being there.

I am waking up my old yahoo account, its been a while since I have really used it, sorry to all those that haven't heard from me in a long time, hopefully nobody is to mad at me.

So anyways should be on it off and on agian, I hope I can get back with those I lost contact with

I underestimated the MLP virus!
CURSE YOU YOU TUBE! AND CURSE YOU USER MENOLOMARSEILLES

These ponies are adorable and playful yet not sickiningly over done, the adventures are deffinatly something that could draw in males of most any age should they admit it.

Not to mention most wonderfully halarious.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o53GQGBl5pY

AAAAARRRG!

Its to late for me, save yourselves!
AAARRGGG!!! *falls to all fours nose getting longer and a horn sprouting from my fore head*

Run, don't look back! Don't look back! *paws turn to hoves and legs even out my fur shortening while growing a mane on my leanghing neck*

nuuuuuuuu! *a burst of white light as the transfermation complets making me a black and white unicorn foal*

it is done.... and wasn't actually half bad really

I wonder what my hip mark aka "cutie mark" should be? maybe a magnifying glass since I love to study and examine things?

Whatever it is, I know the virus is not done spreading yet

Please note face in the hour glass at seconds 51 through 55

Will I ever be much use? Will I ever be able to stand on my own or help others.

I can never get anything done right.
Like this morning, mom was in the shower getting ready for work and she had something going on the stove, she asked me to wait for the oven timer and when it went off to turn off the flam and close the lid that was left slightly open.

So I did that and then went outside to enjoy some fresh moring air and enjoy the sun while having some green tea to wake up. Barely any sooner then I get out there then I am called back in, I got scolded because I forgot to put the greens she cut up into the soup before closing the lid like I was supposed to, I didn't even remember her saying that but she said it multiple times and after thinking I remembered something of that nature.

So I tried to say that I was sorry and that it was because I had only barely had time to also take my medications and I got upset and banged my green tea bottle on the kitchen counter.

So then she got even more upset, and she was right, I was getting mad at her for scolding me for not obeying her? she had to go to work! She needed to eat! She is diabetic so now thankes to my blunder her blood suger is on the line.

And maybe if it was just that one thing, but is it? NO
For well over a month my room has been a desaster area, a total mess, I try to clean it up and put all my junk on my bed to be sorted and stuff every morning but I can never seem to organize it, So my room just stayes an awful mess.

Oh and whats one of the major reasons its still a mess? I got distracted by one of my experiments that also even till now doesn't really work, none of my projects ever really work anyways, I guess thats part of why I wanted to see one of them work and got so frustrated when it didn't.

Well maybe I could get something easy done like right some journal or something of that nature, but can I? NO!
I have had a journal that hasn't even been composed that has been waiting to be made since before christmass and I have something to post as a submission that was a christmass PRESANT! BUT CAN I GET THOSE? NO!

I am so disorganized that I haven't even said "hello" to the furden in over two months and haven't done anything in the Fursfurchrist board in well over 4 months. Oh and even so much as poke my account with cuddy foxes board? NO!

One of my brothers checks in asking where I have been sort of worried and we had a couple super short notes but still havent really re-connected and thats been 2 or 3 weeks!

Then I go over to another brothers journals and find one where there was a confession of even two suicide attempts in one day but was I there for him? NO!

Not to mention pikaduck and a couple other brothers and who I miss desprately but just haven't seen in ages.

Oh and last time I managed to use my yahoo and check in with them? I can't even remember!

Meaning its been ages since those brothers have even seen me, oh and maybe I could just give them my new msn? oh yeah EXCEPT I HAVEN'T! WHY?! BECAUSE I JUST CAN'T REMEMBER!


Another brother I am just of no use to I asked some stuff and wanted to somehow see if I couldn't re-bond with, Well he said yes but guess what? well its been months and now I even hide in shame sometimes when I find he is online, but in the end NOT INCLUDING THIS JOURNALS CONTENTS I just don't see why I should re-bond, what use am I to him? he has his own life to live, if I can't keep his intrest and his time is so scarse anyways why should I take any of it up? I have next to nothing to offer him, I am to out of it for any use to him.

Long ago after my fathers death my mom was upset at my sister and I and I mean REALLY upset and during the yelling she said " if this is how your going treat me why don't I just go away like your father did, just pack up and drive off and you'll never see me again " The next morning she was so upset she had ever said that and begged our forgiveness and we did but I have always pondered, why not? if something is of no use to you and actually harmful why not get rid of it?

Well maybe it seems like besides my room alot of this is just online stuff or just relationship, but how about this

WHAT ABOUT WORK!

I am suprised my voc-rehab guy hasn't given up on me all together, WHY? because he wanted me to get on an online site and do job searches and write them in a journal, he wanted at least one per day, but did I do it? NO! and a few weeks ago I emailed my old boss from the temp job i worked but that wasn't availible through the old channal due to goverment budget cuts so I would have to go through a diffrent program which I had already been in last year but have I done it? NO! and then last meeting with my voc-rehab guy on the 15 of febuary he gave me printed versions of the job journal, but have I even touched them NO!

Oh and well maybe this is just something that can take a while and can wait a bit, but you know what can't wait, THE HEALTH OF MY CATS!

For a year or so I have found that putting finely ground up charcoal in their water helps them with there worms and other problems but for at least to months I haven't made a new batch to give them! Yes it takes hours to make it fine enough using my equipment but I spent plenty of time working on my other projects, well no real big deal, not like they would be more likely to die without it right? WRONG! LOST A CAT JUST LAST WEEK!

His name was fright and he had some eye infection and maybe if I had the charcoal water he would have been able to eat better and not waste away so he could fight it but did that get me off my fat butt? NO


And now of course I have cubs and a bro who look to me for guidence and or help and what sort of guidence can all of this give them? why am I even posting this where they can see? Maybe even venting this in the open is yet another failure to ad to the list.

Uhg, I have been out of work for now over a month and I am still despratly behinde on almost everything, and the list keeps on growing!
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/1831762/
arrrg! and I can never seem to keep proper time for my fa friends, by the time I am even aware of a problem or other significant thing its already past!

Its all so frustrating so I re-did a song cause well.... I just did...
and with out further adu' "catching up is hard to do"


down dooby doo down down, comma comma
down dooby doo down down, comma comma
down dooby doo down down
breaking up is hard to do


Spent to much time away you see
Must I leave my art in misery
I'm just not sure what to do
'Cause catching up is hard to do


Re-mem-ber when my times was tight
And I was spinning all through the night
Thinking of all I didn't get to
And catching up is hard to do


They say that catching up is hard to do
Now I know I know that it's true
can't say that this is the end
Instead of catching up I wish I never fell behinde agian


I say to you
I just may go cry
Can't I give my list another try?
oh well maybe, I'll just start a few
'Cause catching up is hard to do


They say that catching up is hard to do
Now I know I know that it's true
can't say that this is the end
Instead of catching up I wish I never fell behinde agian


I say to you
I just may go cry
Can't I give my list another try?
oh well maybe, I'll just start a few
'Cause catching up is hard to do

::Fade to silence::
down dooby doo down down, comma comma
down dooby doo down down, comma comma
down dooby doo down down

EDIT:
oh and one other thing

Wow I never thought I would have a cub some day but due to some drama and some pain I now have one!

Yeay! I just hope I can live up to the responsibility

 darcin-fire is now my cub yeay!

*snuggles tight*

Minor correction, I have TWO CUBS now

 clauscubone is now my other cub, boy I hope I can be worthy off all this

Ug work made such a back up of things to do!
Order here is random and list contains both imprtant and trivial items.


1. toad
I have a toad I found that had an infected front leg and the infection was spreading to his other hand and by his eye cause of where he would sometimes hold his hand spreading the infection, I finnely got the hand chopped off and codrized the wound and soaked him in green tea and aloe which are good antibacterials and antifungals but still don't know what to do with him as far as holding him over winter, I don't think I can just bury him to hibernate with an open wound like that.

2. catapillar
I brought a cool catapillar home from work in a baggy and now I can't find him

3. neopets
Need to see whats going on in the plot and feed my pets

4. Job site
I need to find that job site my voc-rehab person gave to me so I can start looking for a new job.

5. clean room
Place is a disaster I am literally sitting over a bunch of junk I have placed on an opened up plastic cat food bag that I need to organize and there is more junk all over my room.

6. clean downstairs
the condition it is now in makes this http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2699303/ look like a cake walk

7. computer cleaning
Dang thing has needed to be defragmented and what not over a month ago,
I haven't done it cause whenever I get to the computer I need it and the cleaning process takes a while
A. disk clean up
B. spyware search/removal
C. Boot virus check
D. disk error check
E. defragmentation

8. Email clean up.
I need to clear a tone of spam out of there and also I like to save my chats since I am slow so I sometimes re-read them later if I think I mis understood a person so I same them then later send them to an archive account for storage with folders for each person.
I have over 150 drafts saved

9. Netzero account
Need to log into this cause its our family account and I am certian there are some important emails that have been sitting in there unread.

10. squash
I have 79 squash that came out of the patch this year, they are part of an experiment to undo the diversification process and to make a "super squash" I need to photograph them individually so I can have a record and make seed packets with a picture for the ones I will grow next year cause I can't write breeds on them anymore cause they are all mixed up in diffrent combinations
acorn, pumpkin, spagetii, carnival, crook neck, and an unknown

11. mosquitoes
I have a few giant mosquitoes I collected that I need to treat with some preservatives and such then use clear tape to fasten them down to some paper for my collection

12. Organize leopard

13. kittens
need to get a good picture of both of them

14. cat house
Need to make a new roof for the cat house cause they sat on it and it collapsed last year, its a cardboard box I lined with a couple layers of news paper and aluminum foil on the outside to make it more insulative so they stay warm and patch cling wrap windows that the duck tape gave way on, Also may need to swap the top layer of bedding on the inside

15. cammera dump
digital camera is getting to full with pictures (525) and takes to long to link to computer, I need to go through them and save the new ones to the computer and then delete those I don't want to keep on the camera

16. work on comic
I still haven't finnished that first subbmision for fa that is a neopets comic I need to submit to the neopian times

17. water pool
Need to clean out the kiddie pool that is under the down spout that I use to collect rain water during the summer and need to put it away.

18. Catch up on boards and forums
I am terribly behind on all my boards and forums, FFC, the fur den, Cuddies board.

19. sisters car
Need to wash sisters car real good and put a layer of that really good wax on it before winter sets in.

20. egg shell
Burn the eggshell powder pellets I made in my tin can blast furnece using some oxygen I will collect in some ballones using hydrogen peroxide with iron oxide with a little current running through it to speed up the process so that I can make some really pure lime for my experiments

21. hypoglycemia
Research some on hypoglycemia cause my sister and I can kinda really sick if we forget to eat on schedual and mom just got diagnosed with diabeties so I think I better look into this

22. orchid fertilizer
I need to whip up a batch of merical grow and buffer it with my nutriant holding junk so I can feed it to the orchids cause they ain't been fertilized in about forever.....

23. election info
Get a sample ballot for my district and see who I want to vote for

24. mud bricks
Need to make my mud bricks so I can finnely throw out those dirt clods I use to make my earth ovens that I use to cook various experiments and make my charchol in, I made the molds last year but still haven't used them

25. Make charchol
I make my own charchol out of woody material that occurs around here cause it really burns hot, (hot enough to melt glass jars to globs) and I use the raw carbon for alot of stuff as well

26. Giai online
Haven't logged in for ages and really want to play "zomg" agian

27. rubarb/gardens
dang patch is burried, need to clean it up as well as the garden that never got planted this year and is a giant patch of weeds

28. collect locust tree pods
I burn the seeds to make a really good lye water that I use all over the place and is a really candy cleaning agent, going have to go to town to see which trees fruited this year

29. revamp short cut page
I have a html page I built that contains links to all my websites and pages and all sorts of junk and there are a ton of links I need to put in

30. need to get to town and purchase the following items: second hand food processor, construction trash bags, coffee beans (they is good to suck on)
snow removal stuff (new pitch fork, hack saw blades to make into sword like thing so I can cut drifts into chunks easyer then with the hand saw and then move the blocks with the pitch fork)



and that is my to do list...... there is no way I am finishing it but I should be able to knock a few of thes off.... I hope

Well last week my sister came home from college and she got to talking to one of her old contacts and found out that a friend of our family is now in jail.

For the longest time we wondered what had happened to her, anyways as it turns out after graduation (which we were so proud of her for cause she was the first in her family to do so including her parrents) she got pulled farther into the wrong crowd and ended up burglerising alot of houses and stole a car from one of the top figure families in the school district. (Their great wealth is only outshown by there great generosity and community involvment no joke)

So now she is in jail with a cumulative bond of 50,000 and her biolodgical mother and step dad A. probebly couldn't care less and B. are only not trailer trash because they still have a house currently.

And as for her biolodgical father and step mother, well he tried throughout her child hood to try and gain custady but gave up because he wasn't going to win and would have just been playing a game of tug-a-war with this angry vendictive ex-wife using his daughter as the rope.

And considering she ran away from them once they did managed to pull her in even giving her a car (actually it was my car, first car infact but it just couldn't take the rough roads and weather out here so we sold it to them for a few tokens) she just felt like she didn't fit in, she was raised as trailer trash and this was an upper middle class family, also the dad and step mom kept arguing over how to "raise" her. The mom apparently wanted to "reform" her from her tailer trash up bringing so she could have a better life but the dad was more practical and basically just wanted to help her go down whatever path she choose and light her way for her even if that path was life long gas station attendent.

Well now shes in jail, the person who informed my sister actually volenteres their and is trying to do his best to do things like keep the male prisoners from getting at her and other things without alerting her to his knowing her as that might make her feel worse.

Please do pray for her, she is really sweet but just also really impretionable, for a breif period I even entertained the idea of asking her out but she was just to socialable and to outgoing, being achored to me a practical hermit who jumps if he thinks someone is pulling into our driveway would have been a nightmare.

So please pray for her safty in all this.

Now I don't mean how does one pick up the number of perspective mates, I mean of general population or co-workers.

I am not really a phone person but as I am trying to become a more social person and move past my disabilites and barriers I think maybe I should try to obtain my co-workers phone numbers.


I know they have cell phones, heck sometimes they use them when we are in the field, one guy with the load trailer the other in the harvester and they need to figure out who goes where and such. But thing is I don't have a cell phone, I have a tracfone but barely use it, all I really have is a home phone.

So how do I obtain their phone numbers all of a sudden when before I have shown no previous intrest, I don't want to look like a weirdo. Granted in real life I am very much a wierdo but thats exactly why I try to appear as normal as I can appear.

Also like I said I am not really a phone person and what I can talk to them about over a phone will be another obsitcal as I usually just talk about whatever is in the immediant enviroment or task as behond that my intrests tend to be a little irregular, you might say um... childish....or nerdy....

But first things first I suppose, so does anyone know what the proper procedure for this is?

Last journal was so long since it was actually four journals bunched together I wanted to bump it from my front page

Captain Berto? mmmm... nah

Anyways been fairly pressed for time lately due to work and such causing a back up of about journals.

Now for zee menu we Ave

1. "To save a life" movie review
825 words long

2. Cub treatment at work (embarassing)
498 words long

3. Cause to sudden bouts of lonlyness isolated
435 words long

4. Latent father issues surfacing
481 words long

Oh and zee fries are on zee Ouse,




1. "To save a life" movie review
Well a sunday or two ago our church had a movie night and the movie we watched was "To save a life" It was a little lack luster in my opinion and not very flashy considering the events encountered by the characters but I suppose "flashy" wasn't really what they were going for. Over all I thought the performances were very good and it was a great film.

As for an over view of the movie it goes like this,

We follow the star basket ball player and all around "cool kid" Jake as he goes to school and has the time of his life untill this one kid snaps shooting a gun off in the middle of the school and then kils himself right infront of Jake.

Once the school starts back up again from the temperary closing this caused Jake gets back with his group at which point they start talking trash and such about the dead kid, this greatly bothers Jake because as it later turns out the dead kid and him were childhood friends who had drifted and though I won't say how Jake um had a leg in how Roger (the dead kid) becoming an outcast.

So eventually he gets pulled into church by a youth pastor and
he has a "come to Jesus" moment and everything magically get better!...

Just kidding :p

He does come to Jesus and such but really the movie sort of skipped over that part and anything but a fairy tale ending was in store for him. (even in the very very end)

So then he tries to get his old cool crowd girlfriend to go with him to church, but she sences the "Hate the popular ungodly chick" vibe comming from part of the youth group and doesn't want to be judged and such so she flees weeping.

Jake goes back to the group for the sermen and is upset. Then the back row seeing the chick gone really start chatting and such and ignore the preacher dispite the rather fun though possibly unsanitary sermen (see movie for details)

At this he snaps and gives the whole congrigation a sermin of his own and lectures them on how he was trying to show his girlefriend what he had found and how though they might be "religious" they were just frauds and really didn't care. This ends up starting a revival of sorts and the church group starts meeting for lunch together at school.

Shortly ther after he tries to make friends with one of the cool crowds other favorite punching bags, an emo kid named Johny who in my experiance could be a fair representation of one of us. If you watch the movie you will see what I mean.
(mmmmmm baccon bits)

All is going pretty good for the time until a kid who was more or less one of those scolded by Jake at the church turns out to be a real trouble maker and some what of an evil mastormind who is now bent on crushing Jake. I think I will call him P.K for now, you'll have to watch the movie to see what it stands for. (Puke kernals perhaps?)

Well as the movie continues Jakes now ex girl friend actually turns out to have quite the revalation for Jake that causes them to come back together.

All seems to be getting better until Jake returns home to find some family drama which ruins everything.

The next morning still fresh with with the wounds of his family deisater he is approched by Johny who had tried to go on a date with someone Jake had helped him ask out but had totally blown it in a very royal fashion.

At Johny's begging for help in this situation it rubs salt in Jakes wounds. Jake snaps and tells Johny he probebly should just give up quit cause it probebly wouldn't have worked anyways which Johny not knowing about Jakes family drama takes it to mean he is a freak who shall end up alone.

Needless to say this deeply hurts Johny who runs off only to be confronted by P.K who tells him he was actually nothing more then a brain washing project Jake had been told to do by the youth pastor and apparently even Jake must think he's too much of a loser to even brainwash.

At the same time Jake is finding a diffrent treat P.k has set up. P.K had found out about some of Jake's girlfriends little revalations and used them to destroy her reputation and social standing.

Now in the end Jake does win and such as you would expect but not before P.k stumbles upon a real golden opertunity and sets up the iceing for his little cake of horrers.

But to know what it was and exactly how the movie ends I am afraid I will have to let you watch the movie.



2. Cub treatment at work (embarassing)
Does anybody else ever get treated like a little kid at work?

I ask this because matter how hard I try to appear adult I always seem to get treated like a cub. Its really embarrasing! I'm a full grown man not some adorable little kit!

For instance when one of my co-workers found me picking berries from a weed in the plots he got all concerned and wanted me to stop even though I told him I knew what I was doing.

Even after I told him I had eaten the berries before he still didn't want me to eat them because the thought they were poisionus. I assured him that this was a minor misunderstanding and that the ripe berries were even sold in some comercial stores and that even tomatoes and peppers are part of the same poisunus family. (which is why you must never eat the leaves of tomato plants)

I was going to find some proof but he found a plant book that said the berries have been known to poison pigs, horses, and even sometimes humans. No doubt the pigs had eaten the entire plant as they just wolf things down the humans probebly just were alergic or sensitive and what won't poison a horse?

But Never the less I had no choice but to conceed sinse he did have it in writing and he was just trying to look out for me but for now I can no longer enjoy my berries which are only around for a very short time....

And maybe if that were the only incident I wouldn't mind but they also won't let me drive the combines or even back up the box trailers into the sheds! Brian gets to do both and I was there way before he was and its not like he even has any experiance that would give him the edge or something, in fact if anything I would probebly have more experiance then him in these things.

Now they also don't let me work with the inmates but that I can stand and actually appreciate since I have enough trouble dealing with the general population and these are people that have gotten into enough trouble to not only get put behind bars but have long enough sentances to be worth placing in a work program plus I have a naturally timid personality which wouldn't really helpful as far as being set over them.

I used to think this sort of stuff was my mom's doing or perhaps my voc-Rehab status was responsible for this. However voc-rehab hasn't been and active facter for quite a while and my mom hasn't been interfering or even in contact with my boss or any of the others. The only possible explination I can think of is that I am giving off some sort of ""cubby vibe". I wish they would stop treating me a little less like a cute kid and more like a grown man....



3. cause of sudden bouts of lonlyness isolated
Well as of late I have been having bouts of sudden lonelyness and feelings of neglect and abandonment. Occationally so bad I end up crying myself to sleep and at one point suddenly snaping and destroying some work place property, thankfully it was mothing much but it still was rather unnerving that I had burst out like that.

Also Joey and stephen as well as dave munk have had to deal with a sudden excess of clingyness and personal, possibly awkward conversations. Thankfully they have taken this all in stride and my have actually streanghtend out bonds.

One person I lost my cool infront of might not have appreciated it and I do regret the girly outburst of emotions that resulted as this person is probebly just busy and this may have insulted them.

Anyways I have finnely located the cause of all this. (for the longest time they just seemed to have no cause at all)

Its my missing cats, being a country fur I have cats that sometimes disapear, most recently I have lost Milkshakes, Patches and Possum butt.

Patches wasn't a suprise and he may even return, he was a male feral who had a tame and loving personality, but makles like him like to travel, in fact that is how he came to us in the first place. He just shoed up one day.
easy come easy go.

Milkshakes however is a 6 or 7 year old orange female. She is the daughter of Bandit a diffrent missing loved cat. Everyday at 6 AM when I went to work she would greet me even if she was already fed, she was calm, Quiet, devote and lovable. One morning she just wasn't there and hasn't been since.

Possom butt is a 1 year old ball of grey and multi color long hair fuzz. She just loved to snuggle. Her purr was loud and soothing. Her meow was high pitched causing us to sometimes think there was a new born kitten about. she would always be the first to greet me when I arrived home and would beg for my attention and love.

I have five remaining cats but only one of them is really the affectionate type that has the child/parrent type attidude I need.

I can't help but think my lack of being around to pet and love them like I used to is the reason they have vanished. They have left to find a place that offers the affection I haven't been as ablet to give because of my work hours, so at least I finnely figured that out anyways...



4. Latent father issues surfacing
It took me a while to accept that I had father issues because I had thought my autism had inadvertantly sheilded me from his death.
See, when my father died I didn't really feel that diffrent after he had been removed. At first I felt guilty that it didn't affect me more but this eventually faded and was forgotten. But after I learned how autism interfered with human relations I thought perhaps this was why I wasn't as upset as I should have been. It had kept me from developing a relationship with him since I was only four when he kicked us out/drove my mom off, so if that was so his death would have been little more than the death of any other man or a friend at most.

But for the last few years I have found that I have been becoming increasingly bitter, even vicious towards my fathers memory, and have slowly come to terms that I have been in search of a replacement.

In one instance this need attatched itself to one fur in partiular, however due to previous engagements he proved unavalible. I did however hold out hope we could at least have a casual friend type relationship but said person never seemed to have time for me so each time I saw the "availible" status on my yahoo I felt as if my father was being taken all over agian. I was left with no choice but to delete the contact from my contact list, that has been the one time I have ever deleted a contact. Admitadly this is probebly for the best as there were significant idealodgical diffrences that could have become issues.
Since then I have found that this portion of my mind has attatched itself to a diffrent host and although nothing was directly put out a certian slip up mixed with my general behaviour may have tipped him off. As to wheather or not an official father/cub relationship is to be persued I am uncertian to doubtful.

As to why these issues are only now surfacing I am still uncertain as my mother had placed me in the big brothers big sisters program when I was young and a mento program as well but niether stuck.

One possibility is my discovery and exposer to the furry fandom and thus babyfurs which may have opened this part of my mind, perhaps even undoing the protective barrier my autism had in place.
Another possibility is sexual maturity, for those who know my biolodgical age it may seem odd but I have motice my body seems to have developmental delays just as my brain does. Without a father or viable memories of my father and mother together to referance and autism hindering any "default auto pilots" or instincts I am without any clue in the fask of finding my significant other.
oh well....

It was really cool!

For one thing its nice to see where all that seed we grow get sent off to and all the areas were so beutiful, it was like being actually IN a nature episode.

And as for the drinking worries there were no problems. First there we not as many people there as I thought there might be and my co-workers didn't mind at all that I was not interested in drinking, I didn't even have to tell my story or anything.

And on our off time we did get to go fishing which although I couldn't directly participate due to lack of a licence it was still fun.

We even got to go night fishing which I don't think I have actually ever gotten to do before, We spent a good part of the night on one of my co-workers boats, we didn't catch a darn thing but it was still a beutiful night.

Oh and as for the no plushie thing, that worked out okay as well, I ended up on a pull out sofa so I had the couch cushions to make a little bit of a discreat nest for security and the pillows did fit right in my arms, it didn't smell like my plushies but it was still okay.

Unfurtunatly I didn't remember to get my camera out of the hotel room before we headed out on the second day so I missed out on alot of great pictures but I still got some good ones. Granted due to the "indiginus" nature of most of them I don't think I will feel safe posting them here in public even though the chances of someone knowing enough to identify where I was are very slim to say the least.

But it really was a great time, also something I forgot to mention last journal is that part of my americor program requirements is that I must lead a volenteer program......

I am enough of an aspie to get into the voc rehabilitation program and to get medicare, social stuff is not my strong point, but,

I HAVE THE BESTEST BEST BOSS EVEH!
He is one of those guys you never forget he's in charge but you don't normally rememnber he is the boss man.

Anyways he did the organization and gathering of volenteers for me and it was a great succsess!

I never could have done that on my own like they wanted

so anyways thats the news for now, *hugs everybody*

Well partailly this is to move the last journal from the front page but also to maybe ask for a few prayers or something.

This next week I have to go to a 3 day confrence thing a number of miles away for my job. My co-workers and I will be in a hotel and attend some meetings and there will also be free time.

Thing is I have never been on something like this, I have been away from home and stuff but its always with like the church or school or something, people who I know in a personal sence.

And its not even the meetings that frighten me, its the free time. I don't know how to socialize without somebody to tag behind so I can get a feel of the enviroment from them before I make any moves.

And there also might be some drinking involved, I hate boose and I don't want to get wrapped up into a situation where I might be excpected to drink.

See thing is its not so much that I objectivly think alchohol is liquid evil its just that I have reason to believe I am one of those so called "genitic alcoholics" one glass and I might be finnished.

All these strangers and then sleeping in rooms and I don't get to have a plushie to take for comfort and its really scary.........

Well due to my work schedual it has taken 3 weeks to get this posted but here it is,
(oh and if your not one of the 14 who got direct links don't think that means you can't comment kay?)
(EDIT: Also even though this journal is off the front page don't be afraid to respond)

This is something I have been wondering about lately. I have always considered pain to be a part of life and something we can learn from. In fact often when I see a person or something whining on tv about how hard life is and how horrible everything is I often get a bit annoyed that they are whining rather than just fixing it and growing, and consentrating on the bad rather than the opertunities.


I mean alot of good things in life are painful, the birth of a child, endless school and home work, corrective surgeries.


And of coarse religion is something I personally hold dear and as a christian I believe as according to the scriptures the Lord himself came to earth to save us in the most painful of ways.

Now as some of you may know while my life story isnt horrendous or something it's still what some would say below average But I have often thought these pains have been part of what made me what I am. The hard things I have had happen woke me up early having to face such hardships so early in life, I matured sooner than others, giving me a head start.

Pain is the result of a problem that needs to be fixed, so if you have pain, you have a problem, but if you can fix that problem you can become stronger and better than before.

But pain doesn't always come with growth and can also be distracting, clouding our minds and causing us do things that make things worse.

Eventually I came to the conclusion that pain didn't help us, solving our problems did, pain was just the messanger.

So any time a new situation, friend or anything else came about I would scour it from top to bottem looking for anything that could hurt me, calculate what could be learned and then memorise what could be painful so I could avoid them.

I began blocking anything painful as I didn't need them so long as I learned my lessons. During every decision I consider what could go wrong and what could be learned from anything painful that could result.

I put up a protective shield to try and keep from getting hurt, and I am always concentrating on how I could be hurt if I came out, effectivly scareing myself into a protective corner.

So I stand back and try not to get to close or only as close as I need to be. I also like to not get involved or try to get involved as little as possible and just roll over rather than risk being jabed, they can't hurt you if they can't touch you and they won't even try if they don't know your thier.

I also have a naturally submisive personality when not provoked
I leave any potentailly hurtful moves or first moves to the other person as I would rather be hurt than to hurt another.

It might sound like a good thing, and I suppose it is.... to an extent, but to much of a good thing can hurt us and be very wrong.

You see its not just cause I am a nice guy but also because I am afraid, If I make a hard move I might have to say I am sorry and put myself at their mercy hoping for thier forgiveness, what if they don't forgive me? What if I lose it all and its all my fault.

Just because I love someone and they say they love me doesn't mean I trust them, I trusted my father, bad idea, flawed people make mistakes no matter what.

And also when I do get hurt I try to keep it a secret because I am afraid they will think I am blaming them and hate me for it so if I stay quite I might be hurt but at least I won't make it worse and I still have them.

This might also partailly be because of how I grew up, things were often hard and I would want to cry to my mom but she was already working at her max, telling her would always just make her upset and mad making things worse, so I kept my mouth shut and just counted on her.

It hurt to keep some stuff inside but what else could I do?

So making my hurts known is always more painful for me than just rolling over.

I have been trying to change by being more open and letting people get closer to me but I still just roll over, if anything, the closer the relationship the more I roll over for fear of losing it all, its to painful and could hurt me to much and I would have to reley on others to keep us together.

A few times I have become phycically ill from this but I just told myself that I needed to pull back into my shell and go back a little and just tell myself saying anything will just make things worse and that I don't need to say anything because I can learn without the pain by anylising what I have.

But I have been in pain anyways, the only way to stop it seems to be to retreat completely, maybe phase myself out untill no one realises I have gone and then leave.

But maybe I have just been unwilling to pay the price of growth, one of the things I love about cubs is that they are growing all the time becoming better and always learning in contrast to adults who become set in their ways and just refine what they already know rather than growing as a cub.

Maybe I need to learn to be a bit more assertive, the thought makes me nausious just thinking about it but I can only anylize so much without needing new information and excperiances.

Maybe I need to be willing to put my heart on the line, but I don't want to, I might have to pay to high a price.
But maybe this is just the price I have to pay.

Well there have been some recent updates on a few things and I think they are of the varity they need to be shared.

Well first off I have been "promoted" sort of in terms of work. Thus far I have been in the voc rehabilitation program and working in a land steward ship program. A couple weeks ago my boss found a spot in a diffrent program that was open. It would mean I would finnelly have a fully official job. I talked it over with my voc rehab person to find out which would actually last longer and the alternate program was longer lasting so I went for it and I am now employed under Americorps program.

Now I am still doing the same tasks as before but there is one diffrence, the time. I had been working 3 days a week for 8 hours plus lunch break but now it is 4 days a week with 10 hour shifts, also it is a 2 hour round trip.
This means I will be gone for 12 hours 4 days a week and exhausted when I get home, ten hours picking forbes seed (often by myself) will do that to a person, one day I came home there was such a clear and wavey salt line on the back of my shirt I decieded to photograph it.

So I may become a little more scarce computer wise if when I get home my brain has already been liquafied from the day.


Now there is some more good news, for a long time whenever I would get really hot as I am a tad heat sensitive thanks to a heat stroke I had when I was 2 I would get a little nervious as I had no health insurance if I made myself ill.

But SSI has FINALLY come into full effect, I now have heath insurance.
Now some of you may also know about that little,
"disqualify me because I qualified" thing. Well there is some good news and bad news on that front as well. I have 9 months now and not that one, however it seems that some of the things I intended to use to be practical and sink the problem into are not options after all be cause they would still count apparently..... so now its even more restrictive, and know it is not more lodgical, it is indeed less.

There is one loop we might be able to tap but we are still looking into it.

But this makes me feel alot more confident that I will not come out of the americorps program a well baked "ameri-coarpse"

---

oh and now a meme,


[ ] You have a boyfriend/girlfriend. (nope)
[x] You have your own room. (yup)
[ ] You own a cell phone. (who would I call?)
[ ] You have an mp3 player/ipod/discman.
[ ] Your parents are still married. (good ridence)
[x] You love your family
[ ] There is a pool/spa in your backyard.
T 0 T A L: 2

[x] You dress the way you want to. (more a less)
[ ] You hang out with friends more than once a week. (lol not even per month)
[x] There is a computer/ laptop in your room. (Yuuuuuush!)
[] You have never been beaten up
[] You are allowed to listen to the music you want to.
[x] Your room is big enough for you (Kinda small like the rest of the house but it more than works)
[x] People don't use you for something you have. (like what?)
[x] You have been to the movies.
T 0 T A L: +5 = 7

[ ] You have over 500 friends on facebook (yesh......)
[ ] You have pictures on facebook (soils himself at the mere thought)
[ ] Your parents let you have a facebook (not like I want one anyways)
[x] You get allowance/loan. (I ask I normally recieve)
[ ] You collect something normal. (collect, yes, normal, NO)
[x] You look forward to going to college (nevious but its for the best)
[x] You don't wish you were someone else. (I am me)
[ ] You play a sport. (I love paintball but no one to play with)
[x] You want to do something after school/college
T 0 T A L: +4 = 11

[x] You own a car/truck. (its a clunker but thats fine with me)
[x] You usually don't fight with your parent(s).
[ ] You have never got a failing grade on a report card in your life
[x] You have friends. (joey, kili, sirius, hex, jerry and so many more)
[ ] You've never had a detention
T O T A L: +3 = 14

[x] You know what is going on in the world. (how does this make things better? the world stinks)
[x] You are happy with your life (work in progress but major yes)
[x] You usually aren't sick. (want to keep it that way)
[ ] You know more than one language.
[ ] You have a screen name. (5 of them)
[x] You own a pet.
[ ] You know the words to more than 5 songs.
[x] You don't have any enemies (A benifit of hidding)
T O T A L: +5 = 19

Multiply by 19 x 3 = 57%


101%+: A+
90-100%: A
80-89%: B
70-79%: C
60-69%: D
00-59%: F


LoL :p I know I win, silly meme

For anyone wondering where I have been as of late I am afraid I am addicted to a gaia game called "zomg"

I will try to get back to regular stuff but its so hard to quite, thankfully I have been "smart" enough to not let it interfere with chores or anything IRL cause if it did and mom found out I would be in big trouble.

But zomg is just so much fun!

Its a land where the gnomes rome freely, the garlic belches in your face and the dogs have zippers over there mouths.
I run around a fancy chineese zen garden snatching hand bags into my cluthes while wearing my favorite rings as men and wemon alike play with a little girls doll in another far off corner of the garden.

I love zomg, yours truelly Mr. stinks, aka berto

Good greif it smells in here.

My room stinks like old musty socks and I can't seem to get the smell out, its strong enough it made my mom gag earlier.

It didn't smell this bad till this morning, we had some rain and humidity and I guess it set off whatever is causing this smell, to much moisture maybe.

And its not like my room is full of old clothes, the only clothes out are my shirt which I just took off and my pajamas which are under my pillow. I already checked all my experiments/projects to see if they are the source and none of them are,

powdered eggshell = nuthin but a slight sulfer smell

hawk skull soaking in water to be cleaned = not so much as a wisp

spider plant growing in glass jar of water = notta

snail cage = fine, a little moldy needs to be cleaned but thats not the stink, and there all alive not like one of them is rotting or anything.

clean animal bones under bed = dry and fine (thought maybe rain blew into my window and got them wet)

glass pop bottle of algee = nope

I cant locate the sorce of this stink!
Any ideas? I don't really mind it myself but its embarrassing for anybody else to smell it