Uh. Yeah. I've been kinda dead, eh? ;u; I'm sorry, I've just been busy oUT MY ASS lately(for the last five months really).

Anyway, I'm trying to make more time to draw and shit, so this is good. And I'm kinda debating livestreaming tonight? Idk. If anyone's interested, I will fur shure. Eheh.

Wellp, I'mma go draw now, ttyl mah lovelehs.

This can pretty much go ignored. I just wanted to vent shit and stuff, and I feel like my friends are probably sick of my constant whining and shit.

I just don’t care.

I don’t care about school.

I don’t care about my future.

I don’t care if I die alone.

I don’t care if I go to hell.

Because caring? It’s a waste of time. A waste of energy.

But not caring isn’t right, isn’t normal, so I’ll slap a grin on my face, and pretend that I don’t feel fucking dead already.

And I’ll sacrifice my health for my grades, because that’s all you care about.

So I’ll keep working on shit I don’t care about, if only because it’s less exhausting than putting up with your self-righteous bitching.

Sure, I could bring my grades up if I never used the computer.

But what point would there even be in life if I did?

Then again, you’ve never really cared about that. Not really.

Work and work and work. Forget fun, you need to work to survive.

Why does everyone seem to think being alive is some great big grand thing?

Or maybe it’s different for them.

Maybe they can breathe when they try to care about school.

Maybe they don’t throw up when they think about the future, because it’s just too much.

Maybe they know they’ll always have someone around, because they haven’t lost enough to know otherwise.

Maybe they know they’re going somewhere better, going to live some grand afterlife when they die, because their own parents haven’t told them that they’re going to hell.

Maybe some people are that lucky.

Maybe all people are that lucky.

Maybe no people are that lucky.

Maybe I’m just the only one who lets it cripple them.

But

it’s

just

too

hard

to

care

any

more.

AND MY FIRST JOURNAL IN AGES IS A PROMOTION AHAHAH. *ahem* ANywayy.

So the lovely  kyozafox is having this raffley contesty thingy, and, on top of wanting HER GORGEOUS TAILS OMG, I was so impressed with the ears I got from her that I was like "WELL HELL, I MUST PROMOTE THIS SWEET THANG."

Wow I sound creepy. Probably because I HAVEN'T SLEPT, and I'm SUPER HYPER FOR SOME REASON IDK. Regardless, y'all should check out both  kyozafox and her raffley contesty thingy https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4253294/ because I will love you forever. Uhmyes. <3

THAT IS ALL FOR NOW. GOODBYE MORTALS. (also, I'm debating posting a pic of my new haircut buuuuut Idk. Durp.)

I'm sorry, but I reallyreally can't do requests at the moment because I have way too much shit going on that I need to vent about, and for some reason I just flip tits when I even think about requests. Soyeah. Sorry, but I'm not gonna be doing requests. For quite some time possibly. Please don't even ask, because that's just going to upset me and make me less inclined to draw for you.

So I'm stealing this from  emowolfymoon because I'm a biiiiiiiiiitch. c:

• × • ALL | ABOUT | ME • × •

- Name: Donaver/Fluffy/Fluffles/Fluffymutt/Mutt
- Single or taken: Single
- Sex Gender: Female
- Birthday: November 1st, 1994
- Sign: Scorpio
- Hair color: Red, for now
- Eye color: Grey
- Height: 5'3
- Are you straight/bisexual/gay?: Lesbiannnnn

• × • F A S H I O N | S T U F F • × •

- Favorite place to shop for clothes?: Thrift stores
- Favorite designer?: Don't really have one
- What is your sexiest outfit?: Idunno? ._.;;
- What is your most comfortable outfit?: Pajama pants and whatever t-shirt happens to be clean atm.
- What do you usually wear?: Pajama pants and a t-shirt and a hoodie, or jeans a t-shirt and a hoodie.

• × • S P E C I F I C S • × •

- What kind of shampoo do you use?: Whatever my sister uses, usually.
- What are you listening to right now?: Kiss 95.1 on iTunes radio stream.
- Who is the last person that called you?: Uh. Probably mum.
- How many buddies are online right now?: 7 people, I guess.

• × • F A V O R I T E S • × •

- Food: Probably nachos. <: So long as they're super mild.
- Girls' names: Brooke, Cyd
- Boys' names: Miles, Toby, Timothy
- Subjects in school: Psychology, any science
- Animals: Foxesssssss

• × • H A V E | Y O U | E V E R • × •

- Given anyone a bath?: My rats? My little siblings, too. <:
- Smoked?: I do so fairly regularly, when it's warm. Which is to say 1-4 cigarettes a week.
- Bungee jumped?: No fucking way.
- Made yourself throw up?: Nope.
- Skinny dipped?: Yeas.
- Ever been in love?: I...Don't really know. I thought so, but....Idk.
- Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: Never.
- Pictured your crush naked?: No? Not really. I feel like that'd kinda be creepy I guess?
- Actually seen your crush naked?: Hell naw.
- Cried when someone died?: Tv characters and real life people and animals.
- Lied: Everyone has lied at least once, and will lie at least once more.
- Fallen for your best friend?: Yes. I regret it daily.
- Used someone?: Romantically, no. I have manipulated people before, tho. Just to see if I could.
- Done something you regret?: Daily, at the very least,

• × • C U R R E N T • × •

- Clothes: Rainbow heart black fuzzy sleep pants, red t-shirt, black fuzzy robe.
- Desktop picture: Amestrii and Donaver
- CD in player: None
- DVD in player: None

• × • L A S T | P E R S O N • × •

- You touched: Myself. In a nonsexual way, mind. I just needed a hug, and no one's around, so. Hugged myself.
- Hugged: ^
- You kissed: No-one
- You IMed: Uhh. Britt.
- Talk to online: ^
- You sexed it up with: Never dun sexed ever. Same's kissing.

• × • A R E | Y O U • × •

- Understanding?: To an extent. I try my best, but idiocy is idiocy, sometimes.
- Open-minded?: For the most part.
- Arrogant?: ...Does anyone ever really think they're arrogant? Well. Actually. I kinda think so I guess, yea.
- Insecure?: Very.
- Random?: Sometimes. Not so much anymore.
- Hungry?: Not usually.
- Smart?: My grades say so. My interactions with people suggest I'm completely retarded.
- Moody?: Most of the time.
- Organized?: Yes, but I think it seems like I'm not if you ask other people.
- Shy?: Depends on the situation.
- Difficult?: ^
- Bored easily?: Nope
- Obsessed?: With lots of things.
- Angry?: More often than not.
- Happy?: Sometimes. Not very often.
- Hyper?: Not particularly. But I act hyper.
- Trusting?: Not particularly. Or, like, remotely.

• × • R A N D O M • × •

- In the morning I: Get up at 5 AM nowadays, regardless of when I went to sleep.
- Love is: Something I don't quite understand, and maybe something I am incapable of understanding.
- I dream about: Every day life, I guess?
- Sexual preference: I'm not a very sexually-charged person, but if anyone does it for me, it's women.
- What do you notice first in the sex you're into: Personality. I'm not a very physically biased person.

• × • W H I C H | I S | B E T T E R • ×

- Coke or Pepsi: Neither. I'm an energy drink gal.
- Flowers or candy: Candy, I'm allergic to flowers.
- Tall or short: Tall, though only by a bit.

• × • W H O • × •

- Makes you laugh the most: Ughughugh. I guess Grace or Britt?
- Makes you smile: ^
- Gives you a funny feeling when you see him/her: That, my friends, is a secret.

• × • D O | Y O U | E V E R • × •

- Sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone special to IM you?: All the fucking time.
- Wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: Nopeeee.
- Problem?: Do I ever problem? what?
- Wish you were younger?: Not really. I'm finally old enough to move out.
- Cry because someone said something to you?: Too often.

• × • N U M B E R • × •

- Of times I have had my heart broken?: Enough to hate people, not enough to stay away from them. 7 times, to be exact. Romantically, at least.
- Of guys I've kissed: None
- Of girls I've kissed: None
- Of Cd's I own: 10
- Of scars on my body: Fuck if I know. c:

Sometime in the next month or so, I will be getting my hair cut and dyed to look like a television character's. This character is male. With man-short hair. I'm somewhere between thrilled and terrified. Yeup. That is all.

So I know there are some people who I said I'd do requests for. But I probably won't get those done before Christmas because finals and work. :x

I know for sure I'll have  DamionWolfycub's done, because I promised to do that before Christmas. And I won't break that promise, even if it kills me. Well. *cough* Maybe I'll break it if keeping it would kill me.

And  Kittysune, I'll try to get our TECHNICALLY A TRADE done by Christmas, but again, NO PROMISES. Ksdfghjkl. LIFE DUN GOT BUSY.

That is alllll. c:

Hey, guys. I dunno how many of you even read my journals, but could y'all please consider helping my friend? https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4085810/ Details are in that journal. I'll draw something for any one of my watchers that helps her out...At least please spread the word.

So hey, Idunno who all knows, but I have a job now. Which means I won't be around as much. That's also why I've not really been online this week. Been busy with orientation and training.

Soyeah. Not sure how much drawing I'll be able to do, and to be honest requests are really low priority for me atm because pretty much all my drawing right now is vent shit that's helping me from completely breaking down. Which I'm sure people aren't gonna like, but whatever.

In other news, I've been on skype for a while now, but for those who didn't know, my skype is FlufflehFoxeh. Yurp.

It's what's expected, so you better be able to do it. c: Thank fuck I'm a good actor.

So basically, tomorrow I'm getting a new laptop FUCKYES. After I get it set up, I'm thinking I might stream. Like, a lot. And there might be free stuff. And I might ACTUALLY GET TO REQUESTS.

Also, I may stream tonight after I finish my med term stuff. Bwahh.

So I didn't stream last night, because MY LAPTOP WOULDN'T TURN ON FFFFFT. It's gotten to the point where more often than not it won't turn on. So basically Idunno how often I'll be on. Chances are, I won't be drawing/anything laptop-related until I get a new laptop.

THAT SAID, I may be getting one this week. We'll see. I'm hoping beyond all hope, asdfghjkl.

Sohey, I think I'm gonna livestream later tonight, once I'm back home from hanging with people.

HOWEVER. I think I'm gonna try a PWYW(Pay What You Want) commission stream, because I need money because my laptop is getting less and less reliable(It's 5 years old, so it does have an excuse.). Soyeah, I will be streaming, but fair warning! It will be commissions, not free requests.

Anyway, I hope people will still come all the same...I think if I reach 5 commissions, $20, or 15 viewers, I'll do a free request in the stream. *derp*

Aaaaaaannnnd....That's all I have to say. c:

Soooo, by my clock I'm turning 18 in 40 minutes. :x I don't know if that's even significant besides the fact that I'll be able to smoke, get tattoos, have sex, and get piercings freely. Which. Uh. No interest in two of those. YOU CAN GUESS WHICH YAY.

Anyway, I'm prolly gonna stream at some point tonight, soyeah. Idunno. No promises, though. *cough*

ALSO HAPPY HALLOWEEN. <3

I'm done now kthxbai.

Alright, so I've been busy guys. Well, busy and sick. Mostly sick, really. The busy was sleeping off the sick. Which leads to more busy because I have three papers due tomorrow asdfghjkl. But. Anyway. Long story short, I may not have time to be on this weekend.


BUT. And I'm talking one huge but, next week is MAH BIRTHDAY. Thursday, babeh. So, one week exactly. Yikes. Anyway, so. Point being, I'll prolly stream or such next week, and I may find some time to draw this weekend BUT NO PROMISES KAY.


Also, omg. I'm gonna be 18 in a week. *dies*

I has a friend who is streaming...Go watch her, please. She is awesome and deserves, like, a billion viewers. Also, I think there will be requests at some point. And yeah. c: (Also, I'm gonna be there, SO COME VISIT DUH.) http://www.livestream.com/kirislivestream

I know I said I was going to stream today, but I feel like absolute shit. Like, my throat's been hurting since Wednesday, and no big deal about that, but today I'm just downright weak. I'm exhausted, headachey, and pretty bitchy, so. No streaming until I'm better.

I'm sorry if there are people who wanted art or such from me, but my health needs to be higher priority, so...Yeah. I guess I'll see y'all whenever I can stay awake for more than an hour.

Okay. So. I just don't have the time to do super-detailed stuff right now request-wise, so I'm gonna do things a bit differently. I'm still taking requests, but this time I'm gonna be a bit picky...For now, I would like only sketch/headshot/icon requests. Because I need to work on my sketching speed and my heads could use improvement the most right now.

So. People who made requests before, you can keep your request spots, but simplify to icon, headshot, or sketch please. If that makes sense. I'm sorry if this is a disappointment, but...*Shrug* Right now I want to be able to do more stuff, but with less detail I guess? Idunno. I suck at words. Regardless, that's how it stands right now.

Also, there are more spots open now because I'll have more time if I take simpler requests. Soyeah. c:

REQUEST SPOTS:
1.  lupercawolf
2.  chuchianci
3.  ArtemisZiebenwolf
4.  keydasnowpaw
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

So hey, I barely got anything done this weekend...Haaah. Sorry about that. I was busy driving people around most of the day yesterday, and after being the family chauffeur I had a date(OMG WTF EVEN IS THAT. 8I), and then today my dad, my sister and I went out to the archery range to fire off some arrows because WHY NOT.

So anyways, I will be continuing to work on the requests, and I'm super glad I only took five. xD

Because I didn't like my other request journal thing. *derp* So I'm in an insanely good mood, and I'm gonna take a buttload of requests because why not. So. First five people to comment on this journal get a free request. So yeah. c: (Five because I have a tendency to forget about stuff and then overwhelm myself, so yeah. Five for now, I'll take more later. xD)

1.  whiteclaw97 - http://www.furaffinity.net/view/8525573 "Can you draw my sona playing with duct tape?"
2.  lupercawolf - http://www.furaffinity.net/view/8905844/ "Perhaps do a halloween themed one? This time with her dressed as Kayako from the Grudge films? :o"
3.  chuchianci - http://www.furaffinity.net/view/8902642/ & http://www.furaffinity.net/view/8898670/ "As for the pose...What about him standing in the dark,ready to attak?"
4.  ArtemisZiebenwolf - http://www.furaffinity.net/view/8921966/ "him in his police uniform with his gun drawn."
5.  keydasnowpaw - "Can you draw my character Sezja pounced on Hayden while licking his face happily with her tail wagging?" Sezja: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/8768902/
Hayden: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/8060677/

HAPPY REQUESTING FOLKS.

So hey, I've been pretty much inactive lately...I'm not sure anyone's missed me, but sorry if you have. Just FYI, you can always E-mail me at FluffehFoxeh[at]hotmail.com or FlufflehFoxeh@gmail.com, and you can always ask for my cell number for texting purposes though I'll only give that to people I know at least somewhat well.

I felt like barfing words, so here goes. Beware, there is no real method to my rambling. So yeah.

Anyway, so. Summer is now over, school has more than begun. I'm actually mostly grateful that it's back to school once more...Keeps my mind focused, I guess. I miss seeing friends, but really I'm not actually seeing them any less, so...*shrug*

Over the summer I entered and exited my third romantic relationship, which...Idunno. I feel a general apathy to most people at the moment, I guess. I feel like I'm really very lonely, but at the same time I'm not at all. Which doesn't make sense but what the hell actually does make sense in the end?

That said, I'm not really sure I should ever be in a relationship at all. I always fuck things up, it seems. And as bitter as that sentence may sound, I really don't feel bitter right now. It's actually very confusing, but not as annoying as I would think it would be.

It annoys me when I tell people that I'm a major bitch, and they argue that I'm not, then they get pissed at me because I'm a bitch and start whining. 'Cuz it's just like "I totally told you so, okay? Keep your fucking tits calmed, bro." Yeah, maybe I'm just too sensitive...Meh.

Anywho, yeah. Apparently I have serious depression and anxiety, which...Idunno. My therapist seems to think it's going to be something I can just take care of....Maybe she's right, but I don't think she is. Or maybe I'm just dramatic. That kind of seems like a fairly logical-ish explanation.

This really is getting jumpy-rambly. Heh. I've been watching Supernatural which is giving me ALL SORTS OF FEELS. Negative and positive. I don't even have wordssssss. I just....Asdfghjkl. FUCK PEOPLE I HAVE TV. ;u;

I told my mum that I'm a lesbian. She said she still loves me, and she hopes I never have a romantic relationship with a girl. So I guess that went well enough. Wonder what would happen if I dated....Not that it matters. Dating is a non-issue for now.

OH AND HEY. I'm turning 18 in a little less than two months. So that should be interesting, if nothing else. Tehe.

I'm kinda debating livestreaming tonight, or tomorrow, but Idunno. *le shrug*

I guess that's it...I had more to write when I started, but I forgot it I guess. Meh.

Ttfn,
~Fluffles/Donaver

It's that time of the year, and this time tomorrow I'll be getting ready to go help set up for the lovely anime convention known as AniMinneapolis. <3

This year looks pretty promising already, and I'm looking forward to seeing my friends. In addition, I'm really looking forward to working at the con again, and meeting people that way. Maybe make some new friends, or at least see old ones.

I'm gonna be at the con for at least 10 hours each day, probably, so by all means come and find me! I'll be wearing my fox getup, of which I only have outdated pictures so no pictures for you. xP I'll have ears, a tail, furry legwarmer/bootcover things, furry paw-pad arm warmer things, a collar, and probably a leash. Everything besides the collar and leash is a red-ish crimson-ish colour, the ears with black tips and the tail with a white tip. The collar is furry and black, and the leash is really more of a chain. xD I'll prolly be in a black T-shirt(probably with some logo. xD) or a black plaid-ish sweater with jeans of some sort. So come find me. x3

Whyyyyy do I do thissssss? ;u;


So as of late I've been obsessed with Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. And there is a non-canon pairing that I SHIP SO HARD. And there is next to no fanfiction about them. Dx Aaaand none of my active rp buddies(lolwhut.whutactiverpbuddies?) watch SVU. So I can't roleplay it either. AND. The two characters I pair together? THEY BARELY GET SCREEN TIME. Used to be they'd be shown more or less equally as the two main characters, but now they're just background characters. WANNABE background characters, even. ;A;

I wantez more Fin and Munchhh. Dx

But at the same time, it's so worth watching even just for the two minutes an episode they make their appearance. ;u;


Butyeahhhh...If anyone happens to know where to find SVU slash fiction of the Fin and Munch variety, let me know s'il vous plaît? Also, if you know anyone willing to RP it, and you tell me, I will love you forever.

I guess I never really was good at expressing my feelings. I'm really not one to flirt, especially not in person, especially not with my friends. So really, it's not your fault for not knowing.

I didn't act too different around you, I s'pose...I never blushed when you smiled, or anything like that. But I'm not one to blush, either.

All I really did was try to make more eye contact, try to make you laugh, and try to be close to you...I guess that's normal for friends to do.

Regardless, you remained oblivious while I cried myself to sleep at night. That same pattern carried on for some time, until someone wonderful came into my life and made everything okay again.

And for a while, it was all good. Great, even. I was happy. Until I started to feel alone again, like I was becoming boring. I'm not sure what hurt more...That someone found me boring, or who it was who found me boring.

It doesn't matter, I suppose. I never told you about any of this, because while I knew you were accepting enough of homosexuality, I had no idea how you'd feel when you found out one of your friends was a lesbian.

So I drop-kicked the person who had saved me, and went on a wild streak of trying to make myself feel better.

Eventually, I figured out I wasn't happy. So I asked that person back, and she welcomed me back with open arms. But now I feel like that cruel old pattern is repeating itself...

I feel unloved again, like a novelty that gets old quickly. But I don't want to hurt her again. Because I do love her, however much it feels like I'm alone.

And I'm not saying she doesn't love me. Just that I have this fear that I'll grow boring. That she'll move on.

But I guess that doesn't matter, so long as she's happy in the end. I'd rather destroy myself mentally and emotionally than do that to another person. All that matters to me is that she finds happiness. With or without me.

As for you...I can't honestly say what I feel for you anymore. It's definitely not as strong as what I feel for her, but...Well. Everything is relative in the end, right?

Regardless, it really doesn't matter. I'll stand still in the place I am, and support her. I'll support you, too, as much as I can as a friend. And when I inevitably end up alone...Maybe then I'll allow myself to collapse, to break.

You might wonder why I'm addressing you, instead of anyone else....It's simple though, really. You'll never see this. I can keep smiling like I'm alright, and you can keep believing I'm alright. Everyone can keep believing I'm alright.

Because that's my job, right? That's who I'm supposed to be; the strong one. The supportive one. The one who'll stand for you, and her, and everyone I know, as long as you, she, they, ask.

Of course, that's over-glorifying myself. Because none one really needs me. I'm just convenient. I make things easier for people, when I just comply. And I think I'm finally okay with that.

So...I guess that's it. Talking to you more won't do me any good, I think. But it was nice to say all that I've said. Even if it won't change anything.

I'll always be there for you, for her, for them, as long as I can.

Because you're a great friend. I love her. And they're counting on me.

I can take it for now. Even when I can't anymore, it won't matter. Everyone I care about will be long gone.

And somehow, everyone still thinks I'm okay.

Funny, that.

Hoooooly wtfbbq. So...Last night I was up 'til three. Figured I was gonna take advantage of my day off of school and sleep in. Welllll...Five thirty, my dad wakes me up. He needs a ride to the God-damned airport because taxi-cab drivers are assholes and the company he reserved a cab through needs to burn. Anyway, so I drive him to the airport, come home....CAN'T GET BACK TO SLEEP.

Wellokay, whatever. I'll go to bed early tonight, sleep in late tomorrow...WAIT. I forgot to do some schoolwork, and I have to shower tonight. And tomorrow I need to drive my sister to school at 6. After that I'm meeting a friend at the Subway she works with so I can apply for a job there.


Ughh. Anyway, I hope I can sleep after Subway tomorrow. I really just haven't been sleeping. Hrk.


~Fluff out