Lately I haven't been talking to much of anyone, except a few people. I'm sorry that I haven't been talking to my other friends like  renaux  nevar  ayulf and a few others too. I hope you guys understand, although it still doesn't justify why I haven't been talking, but I'm trying to better my stupid life, still no luck, but I keep on trying.

It's Japanese and I manage to record five seconds of it.

link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARuJ.....qWhYenDy8UxXs5

I have the full mp3 if you need to listen to it fully, but sadly I don't know the name of it or the artist.

Today is just one of those days to remind me of how I'm nothing. no one care, no one bothers me, just the way I wanted I guess.

I dunno, use to be fine with it. the way things have been lately, well to put it frankly I don't give a fuck anymore. Tomorrow for me is just another day, nothing special, just going to sit at my place alone. Probably not even going to be online. I wish I had someone to hang out with you know, friend or maybe some family, but that wont happen. I've lost all hope for this season, enjoy it while you can.

Anyone play it on the ps3, I need a certain someone who can fly extremely good, and allow me to get points in there so I can unlock that stuff for the flying vehicles, but sadly flying on there is a pain, so if anyone could help let me know. Also telling me you have it on the 360 is irreverent, so don't bother saying it.

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2973296/

Check it out, also doing this to hopefully help a friend, so go and see it.

Well for all those who know, others before some, I lost my job. It was due to not having no work what so ever, which was stupid in the first place to try and hire me. Brought my hopes up just to have them some crashing back down just like before.

I'm starting to lose faith in belief in myself a lot. I seriously don't think I was meant for this lifetime, everything is just so hard at times, well rather all the time. It's making me feel worthless going through something just to fail again.


Fail Fuskr is fail. >.>

Yeah, turns out I ended up getting a computer tech job. The scariest part was the interview/test that I had to do. Oddly I had nothing to worry about as my boss told me I passed with flying colors and got bonus points for little extra safety precautions I took. Also I even stumped my boss as in I made something work that he couldn't figure out how I did it, so safe to say he was quite impressed.

He wants to test me soon on installing and other stuff and I know i'll blow through that, cause I'm so use to messing with the OS it isn't funny.


But as of right now the fuskr is now a Sales rep/Lvl 1 entry Tech.

I actually am still in aw, cause I got a job that I know I'll love for a long time.

Oddly I need a car, my boss said it would of helped a lot as in I could travel to homes to do house calls and such, so there is a slight draw back that I hope doesn't screw me over in the future.


Anyways that's my new update, peace!

Going to randomly put them out just as something to try to overcome.

these are things that cross my mine.

Where am I going to live?
Does my life even have meaning?
I don't have a social life...
where the hell did the fun go in my life?
Should I give up?
I'm I depressed, or is something else causing me to think this way?
Will I ever get out of Massachusetts?
Will my life get better?
I've tried.... so where the hell is my results?
Was I "destine/fate/w/e you wanna call it" to live my life as a poor homeless person? I mean I could go get some heavy drugs if life wants me to throw my life away.
Why am I questioning in my head my friends and there meaning to me?
Where is the damn reset button?
Music is my will, it's what keeps me going, and without it I feel like shit?
Maybe I'm crazy and not fit for public.
Do I hate my life?
Why do I keep on dragging on day by day when it all remains the same?



No I don't wanna kill myself.... But I do have a serious hate for my life, I just can't help it when everything I once knew that was "safe and sound" is now no where and I face the world alone. No parents to love me, no one to hold me, just myself. I'm slowly losing the race with myself and it is hard to get back on track.

Anyone play any of those two for the ps3? I'd like to have more friends, when I do play that is.

Also if I happen to add anyone just a warning before hand I have a roomy that plays them too, so I'm not on 100% of the time it could be my roomy.

I wanna move.
I'm sick of Mass
Sick of being depressed
Sick of being isolated from everyone!
...
Just can't seem to get happy, oh fuck it.


Bitching don't mind me.

Yeah I'm 25 now and I feel old! Any ways today is a sucky day for me. I wish I had friends to hang out with

Yeah, I'll be there. Suiting and such, but yeah I can't get excited about it. I have a lot on my mind lately and a choice i'll have to make soon. life is putting me through hell, and i just wanna cheat through it all. lol

Can't even concentrate right now, my mind is rushing thought a lot of things and all I can do is sit here and type about it. I think what is going to happen is going to be bad, very very bad, but you see I can't do much about it. It is starting to worry me to the point where I Don't think anything will help and I'm running out of time. ONly time will tell right? Well fuck time, I feel like I'm going insane..... nope, wait, I'm fine. I think I'm just rushing to much around in my mind. Depressed, terrified, worried, upset, all of what I feel.

Oh my eating habit, well they went out the window a few days ago, Last I know I think I ate something three days ago. I mean I don't feel hungry, and all I wanna do is just sleep and look endlessly into the sky wondering why my life is like this. Is it cause of me if so then why continue, why bother, who cares right..... oh wait friends do, not going to say family cause I don't have one. I don't know my real parents.


I'm done, I'm going through a radical punishment, and if god is real then why the fuck are you doing this! I'd rather be nailed to the cross and die that way then suffer this way. Why not grow some fucking balls and come live how I do, then you'll see it's not so easy when you have no one to come home to or even have a place to call home. SO FUCK YOU!

yeah, that's how I feel right now. Sadly there isn't much I can do about it.

OCT is going to suck for me, although I have both my b-day and going to FF, and seeing my BF. By the end of that month though, no more internet, no nothing cause I'll be back living with my parents.


in my mind if I could break past the negative thoughts I keep on getting I can see a better option to life, but right now I just can't.

I do have to move. I dunno, what to do about it, but I guess I have a little time to think about it, other then that I dunno what to do, and I think frankly I don't care.

Again, this is like the 5th time now that the elder lady of the house has been taken away by ambulance cause she has gout from drinking to much.

Now the possiblitys of her going into a nuring home almost 100%, and that means

yay! Chris might have no place to live again.

I really do give up, if you guys don't see me online after about a week or so then it means I did have to move to w/e it is I'm going to go.

Again, been through this situation before and it only proves one thing. My life is going in a fucking circul of hitting rock bottom over and over and over again, and I don't get a break. So fuck you life, you sucks.

#EmoRagQuit

Yeah I like putting my titles in different languages, go figure. (It's in Latin if you need to know)

I honestly feel very bad, I can't find a reason to even smile on a daily basis, except when my roomy tries to be annoying. =/ I want to get out more, I see so many people doing things and having fun, I'm just stuck at home doing nothing. I don't have close friends that like to do anything except do drugs. =/ The friends that I do have that do that stuff are all far away, and I can't visit them often which sucks. Kind of makes me feel like I have no friends in town, only cause they do nothing, they are all a bunch of dead beat losers. =/

That brings me to the reason I wanna move. I wanna be around more lively people, or at least people who get out and do things or know how to have fun. I hate where I'm, I hate my living conditions, and I feel like I'm about to snap and have a mental break down or something.

I seem like this is a call for attention or something else, it isn't. I'm just looking for a way to express myself to myself, seeing as I think about this stuff and don't talk about it often to others.

Well that's all for now.

So, it seems like I will be going, so who is going to want to hang out or something?

And then tell me how you feel, I bet it will be awkward.

Anyways, want to spill my feeling out again on a journal post, but not going to bother this time. don't see a point to it.

.
(just a filler journal) Curse you fillers!

1. Do you sleep naked? Yes

2. Do you sleep with socks on? Nope

3. Would you rather sleep alone or with someone else? Someone else, just the feeling of someone there, their is something about it.

4. Do you enjoy drama? I just ignore it

5. Are you a manly man? No.

6. Who was the last person you hugged? My BF

7. Small or large package? Doesn't matter, it's how you use it baby ;)

8. Are you short? No

9. Do you like somebody? Yup

10.Does your Facebook password have to do with a boy? Now that's a silly question.

11. Do you care if your socks are dirty? Yes

12. Do you think you’re conceited? No?

13. Do you dress up on Halloween? Yes

14. Are you double jointed? Yes

15. Where is the weirdest place you have slept? In a bus terminal, but I was little, and waiting for the bus with my mother.

16. Has anyone touched/smacked your butt in the past 24 hours? No, where's my butt smacks guys?

17. Is there any type of rumor going around about you? I dunno unless one of my hoser friends is saying something. Possibly one of those guilty foxes I know.

18. Do you call anybody by their last name? Yes

19. How many boys will read this just because it says "Boy Confessions"? No clue.

[] I have cried in a movie theater
[ ] I can brush my teeth without opening my mouth.
[X] I get jealous.
[ ] I think Johnny Depp is sexy.
[ ] JUDE LAW FAG.
[x] I love to laugh.
[ ] I like death/grind/black metal.
[ ] I like rap.
[x] I like techno.
[ ] I like country.
[ ] I carry a purse
[ ] I'd be lost without my computer.
[ ] I own a Spice Girls CD.
[ ] I own a Britney Spears CD.
[ ] I own a boy band CD.
[x] I get bored watching football.
[ ] Boys are confusing.
[x] I've been called a bad influence.
[ ] I have/had a piercing other than my ears.


1. What color is your underwear? Depends on the day.

2. Do you prefer light or dark haired boys? Doesn't matter.

3. Are you currently frustrated with a boy? Nope.

4. What's one thing a boy can do to make you like them? Just be themselfs.

5. Do you have a best friend? yup ^^

6. Have you ever had your heart broken? Sadly yes.

7. Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery? Hell no!

8. Do you like your life? Not going to answer this.

10. Has one of your friends ever stolen a boyfriend from you? Nope.

11. Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on? Yup!

12. Do you have more friends that are girls or boys? Boys

14. Have you ever slapped anybody in the face? Nope

15. What are your biggest fears? Being alone, Flying, dying.

16. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep? Yes.

17. Have you ever not been able to get someone off of your mind? No

18. Do you believe in the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater?" Yes

19. Have you ever had a good feeling about something? sure

20. Do you ever wish you were famous? No

21. Are you currently missing someone? Yes


THIS BOY OR THAT BOY? PICK ONE:

Cowboy or Gangster? Cowboy

Preppy or Punk? Punk

Face or Body? Can't decide.

Good cook or take you out a lot? Good cook

Sweet or sexy? Sweet

Armani or Abercrombie? f5 ragequit?

Contacts or glasses? don't care

 teekay is doing art, go check out their journals, posted here.

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/...../#cid:20922589

Well I'm pretty sure I have one, although I already knew something was up anyways. I was reading a book on it, and I'm sure a lot of problems around my house, lifestyle, and other things are causing it. Sadly I can't get away from those things, so I'm stuck dealing with sleepless nights.

I dunno why I'm stuck with such a bad thing, and frankly I think it is caused from my stress, over obessive amounts od caffinee and other stuff. I wanna be able to have a full nights sleep, but that hasen't happen in a long time, probably since I was in school was the last time I had a good nights sleep. I dunno what to do about it, I could go get help, but in order to do that I need insurence, and here is the stupid part. [They want me to prove I'm jobless to get free masshealth] Here is the issue, "I can't prove I'm not working" I hate the goverment and there loopholes.

I dunno what to do anymore, I figure, well fuck it, might as well just stay up all the time, and just go insane. Everytime I try to sleep at night it's just the same thing, I just sit there in the dark just looking up at black empty space. Plus people are hounding me to get a job, so I hate to wake up on a set time even if I don't get sleep, so it's a lose lose situation for me regardless. *sighs* I wanna take a hammer and just bash my skull a few times till I pass out, it's horrible.

I dunno what to do anymore, at this point I'm just thinking it would be better to go without sleep, and just go crazy. Trying to sleep is a hassle now, and I don't even find it a joy. When I do sleep, I only sleep for like 15 minutes and randomly wake up, or when I do sleep, I get woken up by my roomys grandma and her loud T.V. I've told her several times not to turn it up so loud, but she does every time. It's making me get to the point where I wanna kill her, that's right I Said it, I wanna kill someone. I can't help feeling angry all the time, I just wanna get away from all this BS but I can't, I'm trapped. Or the other problem happens which is I wake up having horrible kidney pains, and I know that is caused from kidney stones (which I've had before) The doctor said they come back from time to time, so I might be getting them again. :( Or the last one which I don't mind is waking up with a hardon. LOL


I'm going insane I swear. Life just sucks badly right now, and if my roomy tells me one more time that "Oh, it can be worse." I'm going to punch him in the face. NO, it can't get worse I'm at the lowest of the low, everything si driving me nuts and my one safe place/people I can go to are far away.

Well lately I've been thinking about a lot of things, sucks that it has to be at night cause I lose a lot of sleep due to this.

Well let me start with me, I keep on thinking I'm worthless, and that bad luck seems to follow me a lot. I know that's not the case, but I can't seem to get out of that mindset. I wanna find a happier version of life instead of always feeling like a loser and that I can't accomplish anything. Which again I know isn't true, but I can't get my mind off of it.
I've been having weird dreams at night too, oddly they are only bits and pieces, never a full dream. Maybe I'm having doubts about something, and that's my brains way of telling me it. Although I won't talk about the dreams, they are really weird. Also 90% of the time my dreams are of me walking alone in blank empty space, for what seems a endless abyss.

Also told a friend something that I didn't want to, but I did at the same time. I'm just glad I was able to say it, although it means nothing (at least I don't think it does) I'm still kind of over worried about it because I wanna know .... nvm. I over worry a lot lets just put it that way.

I'm trying to find a means to stay happy, but I can't find one alone. Also I'm very untruthful to myself a lot, I shouldn't be that way but I dunno.

Also I'm thinking if nothing else works, then I'm also 100% certain I'll be back with my parents. As much as I don't want it to happen, I think they will be less strict on me, and let me do what I want to do. I really want to try college, and see if that will help me better my chances in life with the economy. I doubt it though, just like I doubt a lot of things. Oh the wonders of my mind.


Well offically, I think I can say my first "fuskrcon01" will happen in August, on the 6th. I can't wait for that, a entire week with my Bf, it's going to be epic. If anything can put a smile on my face, besides a few un-named people (you know who you are) He is the one person that can make me smile. My bf is wonder, and I do love him very much. Been together for over 3 years now, and it is insane. I hope it does last a while.