That's funny... I don't check on FA nearly as much as I used to. So Journals and submisisons have been piling up for years. Finally caught up on 6 months of journals and figured I would nuke the rest because at this point, hardly any of them will be relevant. As such, turns out only 5000 journals can be nuked at a time. So... time to nuke again to finish that back log.

Now the 37k submissions.... I'll get to them eventually.

So, I've had the old journal on here for some time. Leaving it there as a reminder, but time to change this.

I know I won't really be posting anything, but hopefully I\ll be more active than I have been.

How do I let go? It hurts so much... I keep picking up the pieces, stabbing my hands with shards of glass. It I knew how to let go, I would. Drop the shards of a broken past and move on. Leaving all the pieces behind, not trying to rebuild the lost image, instead, starting a new on a fresh canvas.
I keep going back. I should stop looking, I go and see anyway, then open the wounds again.

All my journals are about me complaining on the failings I have caused myself. I haven't learned anything new, I have not grown up. There is so much to the world; I keep myself hidden.
I hate failing, so I won't try. Can't fail if you don't try. Can't succeed either.

Just to let go... Instead of ...something else... all I do is feel sad about the past the been broken. The world has moved on, it's happier now. I still sit here, stuck in 3 years ago, seeing what was and not wanting to go forward.
I caused that failing so hard; it's my own fault.

No confidence. Stubborn to a fault. Instead of acknowledging others opinions as valid and accepting it, I counter them all. I prove that I am nothing. Stubborn enough to prove that. NO good reason to do so.

I have to move myself. Need to do things. I'm sitting on catch 22. I want motivation to move. I have no motivation. When I'm motivated I'll go on ahead. I am waiting for that push, though I should just get up and move myself.

The reason I don't update with anything besides this emo crap is that I have nothing to update here for. I just feel like I need to say this now. Any other time I don't need to say anything or there is nothing to say.

While I shoot myself in the foot by opening the wound, again.

I need a 2x4 to the head. Someone to put me back to my senses... too bad I don't let anyone know that.

..well I haven't posted a journal here for a while. Little (read: no) reason to actually do so. As much as I've been online I haven't really been online. Haven't been checking messages. It's at 2k submissions. I've been going through journals but rarely ever leave a comment, let along comment on the pieces I'm not even looking at... That doesn't include SA, or DA. Both of which is quite a bit less checked (read: not at all).

Just playing Monster Hunter Freedom 2. Keeping as little thought from my mind as I can. Tired of thinking, dwelling on things. The past continues to pick at me, and that doesn't help my present.

Trying other jobs to help with money, no idea how those will fair, but gotta keep at it and see where that goes.

...leech... can't motivate myself, require others to do so. My personality clashes on that not being motivating and taking away the drive from others. Constant nagging plus other issues have caused problems with me to others. It's all my own fault and something I should be changing... but I'm not.
I am me. Others are themselves. I don't usually compare people to another since they are not the same so can't effectively compare, and that's true on just about all other things besides people. Then I compare myself... just see faults. Everything I've done can be done better, can be replaced in all instances. Nothing that would be exclusive to me. The last couple sentences is really a different issue. As for my own faults, I just don't see any benefits from me. Lack of knowledge in every subject, the ones I do know are still not even that much anyway.

...I'm too used to being at the bottom. Everything has led down here. ...well not everything but I don't think about the good, just dwell on the bad, which there is a lot of. Need a push to get going, but then again I push back, trying to stay in the rut I've set up. Why I do so? I have no idea and really need something to spur me forward. I should have something but ... for some reason I don't. I do have something that should be spurring me forward but I take the spur, I just sit there, and if nothing else dig deeper.

...hours later after playing monster hunter... still the same, though hours past without anything to say here. *thinks depression... * don't want to but habit it is...

I'm not sure why I've started leaving journals here.... At least with the frequency that I have been doing so. Maybe it's because I want it seen, since I won't actually say anything on the subject directly.

Just tired of failing. Or I guess more accurately, tired of not succeeding. I want things to go well but they don't. And I'm no help to the matter anyway so... yeah. I haven't really been an artist (and the little I did before is very simple stuff, curiousity points to either SA or DA with same user name). So having someone else not feeling good about drawing doesn't have me have anything good to say. Just continue not helping...
I'd take myself away from it all if I could know what the reprecussions would be, would it be worth it to walk away? Right now, no, maybe later, though I don't want to walk away, I just feel staying won't help, never did regardless of what was said before. Help from then is not help now which makes me useless.

Tomorrow will be a distracting day (part of it at least) then followed by more work later on (which is a good thing).

He just needs to remember cares about him. Will miss him, his art as an extension. He means everything so hopefully he can feel better.

Anyway... that's all there is to me... I'll find something to distract me later, for now, well I'll just continue the same.

The year so far... is ok. Old habits returned full force without actual prompting. Other habits have been kicked (or at least attempting to get rid of them), the only reason isn't so much the new year, but as I actually thought about stuff. No classes this semester (again) should save money, hopefully have enough for minor trip away from family, maybe more on top of that to get a good laptop... kinda need one just so it's my own. Just gotta save money, did so for a little while, but must go back into it (helps if brother[s] don't steal from me though...).
Strangely (kinda, though not really.... anyway) getting promoted at work, more money, same hours (close to 40) and more responsiblities. Just gotta work on the people skills... yeah that'll take some time, but *shrug* it'll happen, no miracles, but some change will come.
As usual depressed, but more energy draining than anything else, can actually think about other stuff now so it's not as bad as it was. Looking to be more positive, or at least less cynical (aiming for positive though). Longing, can't do much for that but must continue forward and aim for the goal, work to achieve it (heheh, I'll actually try).
...gotta practice more Smash Bros... Actually wavedashed a few times, first time was an accident... gotta get that down, it's interesting to see it. Want Brawl to come out already, but I'll wait patiently so the game can be set up as good as possible. Metaknight...

So following previous memes here's the Truth or Dare thing brought up from before.

Ask questions, i'll answer them.

Opening Credits: It's Not a Fashion Statement, It's a Deathwish -- My Chemical Romance (Interesting way to start...)

Waking Up: Piano Etude I (Rule of Rose) -- Rule of Rose soundtrack Sampler (strangely calm... not sure how that works...)

Falling In Love: Believe in Myself -- Sonic Adventure (... ummmm...)

Fight Scene: I'm Not Okay (I Promise) -- My Chemical Romance (The fact that's it's from the same album is more odd than the song itself.... though appropriate)

Breaking Up: Bullfight -- Atelier Iris 1 Soundtrack

Make-up: Summer Shudder -- AFI (the lyrics don't quite fit, though the music sort of does... I think)

Secret Love: Lament of Innocence ~Leon's Theme~ -- Castlevania 20th Anniversay Soundtrack

Life's Okay: Coercion -- Digital Devil Saga 2 Soundtrack (lol, at times that would be too appropriate)

Heartbreak: The Power of the Hunter - Part 2 -- Castlevania - Curse of Darkness Soundtrack Sampler

Mental Breakdown: Sounds of Heavan 1 -- Synkardis [Dragon Lord Syn] (You can find it in my faves here) (If this is a mental breakdown, than I'll probably enjoy it)

Driving: Field March -- Generation of Chaos Soundtrack Sampler (I don't like going anywhere so it would be a "field march" especially since I don't drive)

Flashbacks: Reasons Boss Battle -- Shin Megami Tensei Devil Children- Nao Itoh First (as I tend to dwell on the past and try not to think about it at all.... it fits...)

Happy Dance: Metatron -- Shin Megami Tensei Devil Children- Nao Itoh First

Regretting: To The Future... (Instrumental Version) -- Blade Dancer Soundtrack

Final Battle: Sonata Prologue -- Blade Dancer

Death Scene: Beast Warrior- Spar Me -- Shodarkhorn (found in faves here too)

Ending Credits: Comatose -- Chimiera

Went for it a Second time... I have a "decent" amount of music on this... so having so many from the same cd doesn't really work....... that and I had to skip to next tracks for the last few...

Opening Credits: Sonic & Knuckles Hidden Palace (Master Emerald) -- LeeBro - OC ReMix

Waking Up: Swerve - -Klonoa 2 Luntea's Viel Soundtrack (loss of light, in an area polluted... interesting thing to wake to)

Falling In Love: Eternal Story -- Atelier Iris 2 Soundtrack (If I knew what the lyrics translated into, I'd have something to say on this...)

Fight Scene: This Machine (Theme of Team Dark) -- Sonic Heroes

Breaking Up: Closing -- The Nightmare Before Christmas (not a song... yet disturbingly appropriate...
"'If you were to go back then, knowing what you know now, would you still do it?'
'Wouldn't you?'")

Make-Up: The Ballad of Sir Kibbles - Theme of Dream Hunter -- Suzumebachi - OC ReMix

Secret Love: My Life Inside Your Heart -- Rise Against

Life's Okay: The Grand Conjuration (EDIT) -- Opeth

Heartbreak: The Conception -- Shin Megami Tensei Devil Children- Nao Itoh First

Mental Breakdown: Hollywood -- Nickelback

Driving: Make Believe ver 1 - Klonoa 2: Lunatea's Viel Soundtrack (The tune is for a "haunted house"....)

Flashbacks: Mad Biscarsh -- Klonoa 2: Lunatea's Viel Soundtrack (I'm starting to think WMP has a hard time setting a random without it beig within the same folder...)

Happy Dance: Leorina -- Klonoa 2: Lunatea's Viel Soundtrack (I give up... It won't go random with variety [for artists].... completely different tome compared to the last but still... One of my faves though)

Regretting: Loss of Him -- Daiko (found in faves)

Final Battle: Gruelling Fight --Dragon Quest Symphonic Suite (can't get much better than that)

Death Scene: GOC Elevator Music -- Generation of Chaos Soundtrack Sampler (hmmm... o.O?)

Ending Credits: Garbaldi Temple -- Castlevania Curse of Darkness Soundtrack

Lovely waste of time... somethings fit, other things don't... most annoyed at media player for not doing a better variety of artists.... I guess Klonoa had the most chance to get played once again, but 143/1123 makes for about 1/10 chance of being played... and here is gets 4... Like the music... just not the shuffle.

As for an update... nothing much. Things continuing as they do. Some improvements, but not enough... Work the same, except busier than normal due to holiday rush, but that's standard... it just doesn't distract me as well as it used to... Games only hold for so long... music both distracts and makes things worse... ....

Anyway enough of that... Just continuing to Play Digimon DS, and Phantasy Star 4... Need to start some of my other games: Okami, Dragon Quest: Rocket Slime, Pokemon Ranger...
Kirby was fun... still can't figure out which is the remix to Dedede... I can find the "fight" remix but can't figure out Dedede's... Considering I like that one the most of Kirby, that kinda bothers me...

.-.. --- ...- . ... / .... .. ... / .-.. --- --. --. -.-- just because I can... Not import to anyone... just need this somewhere such that I can get to it again.

.... edit....
I have got to setting myself up... If don't do anything I wouldn't be bashing myself later....
Don't draw, don't write, don't do anything creative... just play games, work, and sleep. Can't really say I listen to music, since I use it as background, and don't get any feeling, nor images from any piece, it just pleases the ears (if that). And on top of all of this, I have no motivation to actually try and become good at any of this... I just continue doing as I do, no change. Keeping the bad habits I already have, not getting the good ones I "need"... *sigh* sometimes it's so much easier to run... but back to the beginning if I didn't go searching, I wouldn't need to run. Completely inadequate for what I want... can't be the person whom is worthy...

Now that I've wasted more people's times on this, I'll have to do another meme, soonish so as cover this one *sigh*...

As this is just me feeling depressed it's not really worth the read so I suggest to skip the entire thing...

Haven't had something posted here that wasn't set to private (xanga) for a quite a while. Although the private entries happen quite frequently, not that means anything to anybody since only I know of them and can read them, though I don't after I post them.

Anyway... picking up too many cds.... would be better if I could get a larger memory stick for the psp so I can have them all on there... but as it is, I think I'll end up filling up an 8GB pretty quickly since the 2GB is full and the songs on there is saved on low quality... so if I were to put them all as high, plus the bunch I don't have on there.... yeah full pretty quick.

. . . There is little change when it to me. Work continues, games, and wandering art websites. Then there are the changes that aren't yet "real(?)". *sigh* I'm really tired of myself... should change... but I'm still me, lazy, "unmotivated"... pathetic.

Why post? It doesn't do anything. Maybe so I can see what I'm thinking at a later time? Possibly, but since I no longer look at old posts that really can't be the reason. ... maybe I should listen to something that isn't "depressing"... *shrug*

I am tired of feeling useless... I feel as though I'm not needed and i see many reasons why that's true. It's hurts more trying to be something, and not succeeding nor being anyway. Goes back to my "why try?" attitude... I know why i keep going now, but not the reason I continue to try... when it's fruitless to. Greedy and jealous, neither is good yet I have both... but it's not aimed at others, though they be a "cause". It's just more self-hate, seeing something I'm not and continuing not to be. Which feeds off itself, I am not, continue to be not, want to be more, failing again, repeat.

But all of it is lost for a little while when I play a game, work, or simply sleep. I just forget what troubles me 'til something triggers it again. Wanna run, but not going to, not unless something occurs and I can run without guilt.

And now I'm feeling as though I'm really shallow... should be more appreciative... should be more happy....but I'm not.

I've been so hard hearted for such a long time there are a lot of things I never had to deal with. I never aspired to be anything so I have no hero to whom I look up to, be it in writing, drawing, gaming, life, anything. So I can't see how hard that blow hit him, when what once was your greatest wish to be like someone, becomes dashed and no longer is the being you once knew.... I stopped hoping for things when I didn't get what I wanted through luck. I used to wish on stars but never got one to come true.... used to wish on birthday candles and that didn't come true either... I hoped for things to happen, they never did. I hoped for one thing to happen, just really a possibilty, only problem there is no chance of anything happening at all so that was a vain hope. Then I set aside that hope and no way of getting it back.... now I care for someone.... now I hope... no, not hope, I want that the best that can possibly happen for him and more happen. What kills me is that I'm not as much help as I want to be...sometimes I end up bringing back the ghosts he's trying to forget... Since I can't help directly it hurts.... it hurts a lot...

The only reason why I have this posted here is because no one watches me here so I can this up and not have anyone say anything. But at least it's public... that's what I'm aiming for.