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Where it goes from here
Posted 2 months agoI would like to start this by apologizing for the overextended period of silence. Truth is I have been around, but also not at the same time.
I pondered for months the correct way to approach this, but alas time does not make it any easier or clearer. I was never really good at sharing what I’m feeling, but it seems there’s a need for more transparency in my life. I owe it to some you.
In a way I always made a point of keeping my personal life separate from my online presence, and in many ways hidden even from those I know, or used to, in real life. Much of what I go through gets bottled up or processed before it actively affects those around me, and for quite a while I thought that was one of the things that made me strong. I’m not so sure anymore.
Last year I tried taking my own life. It wasn’t the first time, but it still felt different in its own way. After the initial drama that happened around it I thought that, in a way, I could overcome it like I did the previous times. I was mistaken. For those that sent messages to me during the crisis, I’m sorry I didn’t have the strength to address them, and by the time I realized what I had to do it was already too late, and it all had fallen in silence.
I wish I could say I lived through it, or even survived, but It’s been so long now, and yet it feels like yesterday at the same time. The passage of time just doesn’t seem to affect me anymore. Days feels the same and have no connection to each one that passed. I spend most of them in bed or doing anything I can to numb my head. Games, reading, sleeping or whatever is available at the time. But there’s no pleasure or reflection behind it. I don’t function and I dissociate from everything and everyone around me, even when I’m trying my best to just smile and pretend things can go back to the way they were, or even improve. It doesn’t feel like being alive, but it doesn’t quite feel like being dead either. And having felt like this for so long made me realize that, perhaps it’s just how it’s meant to be.
I have always glorified stories and fictions with bittersweet endings, as they felt closer to how I perceived life in general. What comes with this, however, is the pressure to embrace the fact that a perfect balance can only be attained if one recognizes the extremes beforehand. Some stories carry upbringing tales, of redemption and a due justice for trials and tribulations, but others are reminders that a time constraint can bring forth premature endings, never given the chance to be corrected and forgiven. It would be bold of me to assume the final result, and yet I cannot fathom how it could ever have turned out any different.
Perhaps I am weak after all, or too cowardice to take control of whatever’s left of myself, and at this point I couldn’t know if I were born broken or made this way. I don’t think it even matters anymore.
Often I find myself returning to the words of Shelley, in Adonais. The harsh truth of the fragility of life and the ode bestowed upon the remains of what is no longer a person, but the reminiscence of their presence, tells much more about the impression they left than who they were in essence, and I find comfort at the thought that what I am, was or will be is past the sheer ignorance and corruption of my or anyone else’s senses, and that the conception and significance of my own being lies further within, unattainable even by my own self or those once dearest to me. Perhaps we are all undeserving, in the end.
It took me too long to realize that I was never meant to have a future. My permanence in this world was never meant to have lasted so long. And I must finally accept that I must come to terms with this. Alas, I do not possess the courage to attempt against my own life again. All previous attempts have only further prolonged and amplified whatever it is I’m feeling. I’m not even sure it’s pain or suffering anymore, as there are days I just cannot feel anything at all. From all of this I have become a husk with a crippled body and an even more broken mind.
I am taken away from things I used to love, buried in debts I cannot repay, a burden to those around me and lost in an existence that promises nothing but misery. I lost friends, family and the ability to feel the sorrow of it all. Tiredness and exhaustion consume me every second of the day, and I know I will not rise again from this. But still I pity the person I used to be much more than what is left of me today. Blind hope is only a time-bomb when reality comes crashing down.
My attempts always felt a way to spare myself from whatever was ahead of me, but I realize now that I do not get to make my choice. So I remain, and remain I shall until my time has come. My mistake in all this was my arrogance, to think that rest could be taken and not earned through persistence. The price of it never once crossed my mind, but I suppose we don’t always get to choose what we owe.
For my commissioners, let’s just get this out of the way: You’ll get what you paid for, I was never a scammer nor will I become one. To everyone else, just know that I will return to my routine as a necessity, and that will be the end of it. Someday, not today and not tomorrow, I will have completed all I have promised, and then I’ll be gone.
And that will be alright.
- Nicolas
I pondered for months the correct way to approach this, but alas time does not make it any easier or clearer. I was never really good at sharing what I’m feeling, but it seems there’s a need for more transparency in my life. I owe it to some you.
In a way I always made a point of keeping my personal life separate from my online presence, and in many ways hidden even from those I know, or used to, in real life. Much of what I go through gets bottled up or processed before it actively affects those around me, and for quite a while I thought that was one of the things that made me strong. I’m not so sure anymore.
Last year I tried taking my own life. It wasn’t the first time, but it still felt different in its own way. After the initial drama that happened around it I thought that, in a way, I could overcome it like I did the previous times. I was mistaken. For those that sent messages to me during the crisis, I’m sorry I didn’t have the strength to address them, and by the time I realized what I had to do it was already too late, and it all had fallen in silence.
I wish I could say I lived through it, or even survived, but It’s been so long now, and yet it feels like yesterday at the same time. The passage of time just doesn’t seem to affect me anymore. Days feels the same and have no connection to each one that passed. I spend most of them in bed or doing anything I can to numb my head. Games, reading, sleeping or whatever is available at the time. But there’s no pleasure or reflection behind it. I don’t function and I dissociate from everything and everyone around me, even when I’m trying my best to just smile and pretend things can go back to the way they were, or even improve. It doesn’t feel like being alive, but it doesn’t quite feel like being dead either. And having felt like this for so long made me realize that, perhaps it’s just how it’s meant to be.
I have always glorified stories and fictions with bittersweet endings, as they felt closer to how I perceived life in general. What comes with this, however, is the pressure to embrace the fact that a perfect balance can only be attained if one recognizes the extremes beforehand. Some stories carry upbringing tales, of redemption and a due justice for trials and tribulations, but others are reminders that a time constraint can bring forth premature endings, never given the chance to be corrected and forgiven. It would be bold of me to assume the final result, and yet I cannot fathom how it could ever have turned out any different.
Perhaps I am weak after all, or too cowardice to take control of whatever’s left of myself, and at this point I couldn’t know if I were born broken or made this way. I don’t think it even matters anymore.
Often I find myself returning to the words of Shelley, in Adonais. The harsh truth of the fragility of life and the ode bestowed upon the remains of what is no longer a person, but the reminiscence of their presence, tells much more about the impression they left than who they were in essence, and I find comfort at the thought that what I am, was or will be is past the sheer ignorance and corruption of my or anyone else’s senses, and that the conception and significance of my own being lies further within, unattainable even by my own self or those once dearest to me. Perhaps we are all undeserving, in the end.
It took me too long to realize that I was never meant to have a future. My permanence in this world was never meant to have lasted so long. And I must finally accept that I must come to terms with this. Alas, I do not possess the courage to attempt against my own life again. All previous attempts have only further prolonged and amplified whatever it is I’m feeling. I’m not even sure it’s pain or suffering anymore, as there are days I just cannot feel anything at all. From all of this I have become a husk with a crippled body and an even more broken mind.
I am taken away from things I used to love, buried in debts I cannot repay, a burden to those around me and lost in an existence that promises nothing but misery. I lost friends, family and the ability to feel the sorrow of it all. Tiredness and exhaustion consume me every second of the day, and I know I will not rise again from this. But still I pity the person I used to be much more than what is left of me today. Blind hope is only a time-bomb when reality comes crashing down.
My attempts always felt a way to spare myself from whatever was ahead of me, but I realize now that I do not get to make my choice. So I remain, and remain I shall until my time has come. My mistake in all this was my arrogance, to think that rest could be taken and not earned through persistence. The price of it never once crossed my mind, but I suppose we don’t always get to choose what we owe.
For my commissioners, let’s just get this out of the way: You’ll get what you paid for, I was never a scammer nor will I become one. To everyone else, just know that I will return to my routine as a necessity, and that will be the end of it. Someday, not today and not tomorrow, I will have completed all I have promised, and then I’ll be gone.
And that will be alright.
- Nicolas
Important
Posted a year agoNo Subject
Posted 2 years agoI am not well.
I have been sick for months, if not years, and it took an insane circumstance for me to realize the full extent of my situation. The events of losing my grandmother, and more recently our family dog, have brought up feelings on me that I was convinced I had left behind. Or more accurately buried so deep under a numb state of mind that I stood in a denial of their own existence. I have come to realize things about myself that have affected both my mental and physical health to a great extent, and over the course of processing the grief and the sudden realization of a sudden shift in my life things got much worse.
I've started taking heavy medication again. It's been over two years of being clean and I just never imagined I would fall back into the point of needing it again. The side-effects take a hard toe on me, and it's a long painful process to manage together with my emotions. More than the 'getting used to' the medicine, the whole process of having to go to doctors, change therapists, change dosages, diets and routines is heavy and uncertain. Days go by without me even realizing. Without me feeling I'm making any progress. Quite often it feels hopeless and useless.
For all the people I owe art too, my patreons, and overall all people directly involved with the work I have spat out so far, I'm sorry. I failed you. I have tried to live this illusion of admiration that you guys had over me, of a person who was kind, caring, dedicated and applied, over my so called qualities as a both person and creator, but the truth is I don't feel like an artist anymore. More than the impostor syndrome I keep nurturing this feeling that I wasn't meant to be a creative. I lost passion not just for art, but everything else entirely a long time ago, and at this point I'm not even sure I ever felt that passion in the first place, even at the very beginning of my art journey and my life. This feeling of being a husk, just devoid of feeling anything other than this dread and tiredness is unbearable at times and prevents me from functioning altogether, and nothing comes out after I stare for hours long at a blank canvas. I just cannot see an escape from this situation, and the process of trying just makes it even worse somehow.
In a way I've tried to make things get back to normal, or at least to an acceptable level of normal. A state where I could at least think more clearly to rationalize the things I was feeling and fight them off, but as much as I tried, even acting as if nothing had happened, interacting with people who I thought I'd close with, making jokes, playing games, browsing twitter, It just doesn't feel enough. I've drifted away and I don't have the strength to swim back. I can't bring myself to talk to anyone anymore. I loathed writing this for a while, hoping that I could at least be in a better state to choose the right words, but I don't think any amount of words I write could ever make anything well again. I keep thinking when I'll come back, I make compromises with myself, but more often than I'd like to admit I just feel more and more all this will come to a conclusion. Sometimes I'm not sure I'll ever be able come back.
I'm tired. I'm so tired.
I have been sick for months, if not years, and it took an insane circumstance for me to realize the full extent of my situation. The events of losing my grandmother, and more recently our family dog, have brought up feelings on me that I was convinced I had left behind. Or more accurately buried so deep under a numb state of mind that I stood in a denial of their own existence. I have come to realize things about myself that have affected both my mental and physical health to a great extent, and over the course of processing the grief and the sudden realization of a sudden shift in my life things got much worse.
I've started taking heavy medication again. It's been over two years of being clean and I just never imagined I would fall back into the point of needing it again. The side-effects take a hard toe on me, and it's a long painful process to manage together with my emotions. More than the 'getting used to' the medicine, the whole process of having to go to doctors, change therapists, change dosages, diets and routines is heavy and uncertain. Days go by without me even realizing. Without me feeling I'm making any progress. Quite often it feels hopeless and useless.
For all the people I owe art too, my patreons, and overall all people directly involved with the work I have spat out so far, I'm sorry. I failed you. I have tried to live this illusion of admiration that you guys had over me, of a person who was kind, caring, dedicated and applied, over my so called qualities as a both person and creator, but the truth is I don't feel like an artist anymore. More than the impostor syndrome I keep nurturing this feeling that I wasn't meant to be a creative. I lost passion not just for art, but everything else entirely a long time ago, and at this point I'm not even sure I ever felt that passion in the first place, even at the very beginning of my art journey and my life. This feeling of being a husk, just devoid of feeling anything other than this dread and tiredness is unbearable at times and prevents me from functioning altogether, and nothing comes out after I stare for hours long at a blank canvas. I just cannot see an escape from this situation, and the process of trying just makes it even worse somehow.
In a way I've tried to make things get back to normal, or at least to an acceptable level of normal. A state where I could at least think more clearly to rationalize the things I was feeling and fight them off, but as much as I tried, even acting as if nothing had happened, interacting with people who I thought I'd close with, making jokes, playing games, browsing twitter, It just doesn't feel enough. I've drifted away and I don't have the strength to swim back. I can't bring myself to talk to anyone anymore. I loathed writing this for a while, hoping that I could at least be in a better state to choose the right words, but I don't think any amount of words I write could ever make anything well again. I keep thinking when I'll come back, I make compromises with myself, but more often than I'd like to admit I just feel more and more all this will come to a conclusion. Sometimes I'm not sure I'll ever be able come back.
I'm tired. I'm so tired.
If you wanna help sharing my commission post
Posted 2 years agoHere's a link to it being posted in twitter and DA (also free advertising of my other social medias lmao)
https://www.deviantart.com/grimshaw.....ions-960703657
https://twitter.com/GrimshawArts/st.....539894277?s=20
https://www.deviantart.com/grimshaw.....ions-960703657
https://twitter.com/GrimshawArts/st.....539894277?s=20
Streaming on discord today
Posted 2 years agoCommission reopening
Posted 2 years agoI'll be taking a couple more commission slots this friday!
Wanna buy an YCH!
Posted 2 years agoKinda wanna buy an YCH, anyone wants a commission hehe? Gift donations also welcome <3 It's $100 so I'll take some until I can fill in that price!
Pricing: https://t.co/944Qt3dRvp
Pricing: https://t.co/944Qt3dRvp
Very important thing
Posted 2 years agoApologies in advance
Posted 2 years agoI'll have to be really annoying with my commission posting this month and possibly the next one. I'm in a real need of money right now.
Apologies in advance for all the spam. I'll try my best to delete old posts as I bring out new ones.
Apologies in advance for all the spam. I'll try my best to delete old posts as I bring out new ones.
Merr chrysler
Posted 3 years agoHappy holidays everyone :)
Krismin geeft
Posted 3 years agoI... really hate asking for basically anything but, if anyone wishes to give me a christmas gift I'd love art of any of these babies please?
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FknPVln.....name=4096x4096
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FknPVnB.....name=4096x4096
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FknPVln.....name=4096x4096
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FknPVnB.....name=4096x4096
TWITTER RAFFLE UP!!
Posted 3 years agoPatreon shoutout!
Posted 3 years agohttps://www.patreon.com/GrimshawArts
https://www.patreon.com/GrimshawArts
Become a patron of Grimshaw today: Get access to exclusive content and experiences on the world’s largest membership platform for artists and creators.
Due to current health issues I've been slowing down with commissions, so any bit of support I can get helps. I've added a $1 tier for those wishing to support me with a pocket change, but if you're feeling generous all other tiers contain great rewards too!
A lot of people don't actually realize what one tiny gesture can do to small artists. This has been my livehood for a while and being restrained from working hurts me physically, mentally and professionally. Even if you can't help with $ then telling your friends about it helps a lot too!
HOPING TO SEE YOU THERE!!
www.patreon.com
Grimshaw is creating Art | Patreon
Become a patron of Grimshaw today: Get access to exclusive content and experiences on the world’s largest membership platform for artists and creators.
https://www.patreon.com/GrimshawArts
Become a patron of Grimshaw today: Get access to exclusive content and experiences on the world’s largest membership platform for artists and creators.
Due to current health issues I've been slowing down with commissions, so any bit of support I can get helps. I've added a $1 tier for those wishing to support me with a pocket change, but if you're feeling generous all other tiers contain great rewards too!
A lot of people don't actually realize what one tiny gesture can do to small artists. This has been my livehood for a while and being restrained from working hurts me physically, mentally and professionally. Even if you can't help with $ then telling your friends about it helps a lot too!
HOPING TO SEE YOU THERE!!
www.patreon.com
Grimshaw is creating Art | Patreon
Become a patron of Grimshaw today: Get access to exclusive content and experiences on the world’s largest membership platform for artists and creators.
Opening requests for stream warmups!
Posted 3 years agoI'm letting a google form open for requests when I'm out of ideas to warmup on a stream or just plain bored lol
https://forms.gle/3cub8ZgneNrrB9EP8
Please read everything inside thank you :)
https://forms.gle/3cub8ZgneNrrB9EP8
Please read everything inside thank you :)
Updated social media links!
Posted 3 years agoMy main social medias have been updated, just check below this journal on my page :)
Disclaimer to all watchers
Posted 3 years agoI've been seeing *some* accounts recently following me/commenting on my stuff that have beyond questionable content, so here's a disclaimer: If you're a fucking zoo, pedo, transphobe and all the "obes" and rest of fucked up people, my content is not for you. I WILL block you without warning.
And no I don't care if you gourmetize it by using poorly put together arguments like "It's just a drawing" or "They're sentient and consensual". At the slight HINT that you might be into this sort of degenerate thing it's an immediate goodbye for you.
And no I don't care if you gourmetize it by using poorly put together arguments like "It's just a drawing" or "They're sentient and consensual". At the slight HINT that you might be into this sort of degenerate thing it's an immediate goodbye for you.
Patreon rework!
Posted 4 years agoI've since updated my Patreon thoroughly, with added benefits AND cheaper tiers! I'd like to invite you to join us there. ♥
https://patreon.com/grimshawarts
Since this is recent some things might not be 100% functional just yet, but any issues feel free to contact me at any time!
Thanks in advance and hope you have a great week.
- Grim
https://patreon.com/grimshawarts
Since this is recent some things might not be 100% functional just yet, but any issues feel free to contact me at any time!
Thanks in advance and hope you have a great week.
- Grim
100 watchers!!
Posted 4 years agoThanks everyone. ♥♥
Do you still use Instagram?
Posted 4 years agoI've stopped updating my art instagram a while ago, didn't feel like it was worth it cuz I kinda hate that site lol. Is it worth investing though? Do you still use it regularly for art content?
Lol
Posted 4 years agoApparently I can't open my own submissions marked as mature because of the SFW mode, and I'm forced to enable NSFW to even know it exists.
Thanks FA? heh
Thanks FA? heh
Sketches and doodles
Posted 4 years agoShould I post unrendered/unfinished/sketch pictures on scraps? I already post them on Twitter and Patreon but I feel like I leave these sites out a little.
If you wish to browse: https://twitter.com/GrimshawArts
If you wish to browse: https://twitter.com/GrimshawArts
Need some help - Headshot commissions
Posted 4 years agoI need to pay some bills. Anyone interested in $20 headshot sketches?
Examples here: https://twitter.com/GrimshawArts/st.....828404231?s=20
Examples here: https://twitter.com/GrimshawArts/st.....828404231?s=20
