As with life, it sometimes takes a chunk out of your ass. Yay!

Some things have been going well for me, then other things happen, like my mom's health and my impending extra responsibilities. This would be all fine and dandy if it weren't all financial, mostly. Hell, I've taken care of people all my life. What's watching one more family member go going to do? Sure, she bounces back slowly...but I've done this enough times to know, the slower the health returns, the closer we're going to be to losing the fight. Then I have two siblings to take care of off my tiny income. I freak the fuck out a lot. I'm trying to learn to do things as my vision fails more and more. I need all these costly tools to adapt to my waning eyesight. I need a guide dog to be safe when I'm outside, my white cane only helps me so much. A guide dog costs money for upkeep and I'm feeding it on shitty food. So I have to figure out how I'm taking care of me, two teens, three dogs and four cats. I can not, when we lose our mother, turn around and say, OK, got to get rid of your pets now!

I'm just going to crawl inside my head and live in my own little world for now. I'll probably start writing again, put my fancy blind/vision impaired software to work and make it type for me. I have to learn to use it now.

Braille is fun to learn, also challenging. As soon as some snow sticks around, I'll begin snow cane training. I'm sure if gravel, grass, sand and sidewalks feel so different, so will snow. Stairs though, I'm not good with. Waiting on my test results for narcolepsy and the severity of my anemia.

I'm making sure Christmas is good this year, in case it's the last with mom. I also have two kids depending on me for a good Christmas. I still celebrate it for family, though the Winter Solstice is my thing.

I need more white sage. Smudging is never done.

I noticed something. It seems to be an odd pattern I would rather kill myself than fall into. Now, I understand some of us have those amazing-tastic parental units. Not all of us do. My cousins, who I grew up with and considered more sisters, have one shy, quiet and gentle yet firm parent and one physically and mentally abusive, controlling and drunken jackass parent. Yeah, he can be there when and if you need him, mostly on his terms. I love the guy and after my father was demoted the title, this man was who I consider Dad. My cousins also have a younger brother, long story short, he's also my half brother. (funny family, huh?)

Onwards! My brother-cousin falls for girls and now women like my auntie, his mum. This one he's been with two years now and may marry has her personality to a t! My female cousins both fell for and dated bad-boys that grew into men just like their dad. Both married young and realized their mistakes after years...one only to marry another like her dad and the second following suit, as soon as he gets out of jail.

My father was much like my uncle, but in my little world, I was nine the first time he abused me in a new way. After I got over thinking it was my fault and was just plain scared, he lost the title Dad. Your daddy is supposed to be the one man who never does that shit to you. As I think about mates and being alone, I'm kinda glad sex doesn't rule my world or love life like it does my family. I'd rather not have someone like my mum was, abusive because she in turn was abused...has massive trauma and flipchanges personality and can't remember real things mostly. She's a better person and now I can have the relationship I never had with her. But...meh. I sure as duck don't want someone like my uncle or father, who were the same save my uncle wasn't sexually abusive.

After enough therapy, I realize I'm not going to be like my father. I had terrible anxiety I was going to molest children too because it's a vicious cycle. Abusers were most likely abused themselves. I am not and never will be terrible like that. My fear there is now gone after...oh, ten years.

Something I'm still working on is learning to fully trust someone. I'd always think in the back of my mind, is my mate molesting our kids? Will they? A part of me is happy I can't have kids and have to adopt, another part is sadder about it. At least I know my child would never be like my father.

I wonder how many people are like my family and are attracted to people like their parents in personality? Is this really how it works? For some of us, that's pretty sad.

Cuz...I need to think of happy things. Great friends! I made a couple who live real close and I have a few who live all over the place. I only wish I could travel more to see them more often.

I made some ham soup and ham chili today, they both turned out great! I need more beans for it next time, but ham works. I am happy with that.

I am slowly paying off the insanely high bills my ex roommates left me with in my name. Of course I'll get no help with the $800+ one, nor the others! But hey, I got two scary ones down, three more to go. I may get my credit in check, until the stuff from the car accident neither insurance wants to cover gets after me...but I guess that hurdle will come when it does.

Got basic cane training down! Got my papers at last from my primary doctor, so now I get to go to the Kalamazoo training facility when my spot on the list comes up again! Harder cane training, braike, life skills, here I come!

What's up next? Finding a place to live I can afford and guide dog school and...learning to crochet fancier stitches and to do more things.

There, I did good being positive!

Do I really have to be a backup plan? Is it honestly all I'm worth? The back burner, no matter how much I like someone, I'm never good enough. I get ignored and forgotten. I understand casual dating, but having hope that something more when the person you're pursuing is ready for something steady, it's just painful when you realize you're the until something better comes along.

I'm not sorry I am asexual. I'm not sorry I am genderfluid and am not a clearcut gender. I am sorry that I can't find someone near me to be understanding, someone to give my love too and be loved by.

I have very few, very good friends and their love and tolerance of my anxiety and bi-polar crazies helps me get by. I just...they're not close at all, I have to travel far, drop a lot of money on visiting them or beg\guilt trip those I should be able to depend on for a ride, or anything. I can't drive, can't see well! I have two friends in my state I can see, takes a two hour drive one way and about $60 for gas.

All the people I have dated start off, oh you being ace\gf doesn't bother me to being belittled and being coerced into sex or I'd lose them and be alone forever.

Dating is a pain, I like it slow and romantic. I hate fast, let's have sex now and get XXX themed arts together right away! You rp? Let's cyber! :D

I guess I'm just too different to have the love of a partner. I just have to deal with it. At least when I get my guide dog I'll have someone to snuggle in bed with! I'd also have someone to go places and do things with me.

Now I find out why my arms and hands ache a lot and why I can't feel half of my left hand. I have carpal tunnel, which for me means getting a guide dog is all the more important because I won't have to grin and bare it through the pain to hold up my cane, I can hold the harness handle with a relaxed arm. I hope to get the call soon, so I can have my training complete and can apply for guide dog school.

Tomorrow will be a forceed photoshoot of the adorable that is Aiden! My youngest sis, whom she is for, tried her on tonight and is super cute. She will now get to go outside and pose tomorrow! :D

Aiden used to belong to but I bought her as a gift for my little sister for her birthday.

Life is frustrating. Packing my shit up to store back at my moms place and couch surf again. Yeeeey!

So I get to where home isn't any longer and my baby cousins/little E's kitty is dropping blood. So I kinda flip out. Then I realize she's having her kittens way too early. Five little lives, didn't get to start. They were almost to the stage of fur growing. She'd gotten out while being kitty-sat and...kittens. it turns out a certain ass kicked her hard in the belly. I have no money, nothing left on care credit to use. I'm worried little E will lose his baby kitty. She's a year and a half, but she will always be his kitten. He tells me all the time his tiny baby kitty is very heavy!

I know I can't do a thing right now...but I wanna grab you up and cuddle you to death! I know it won't help, so I'll be a good dog and stay. You're big day is soon, you deserve all the support and to see something two people say to affect you so much. Just...grrr!

A few things still floating in the back of my mind, but hey, it's better. Therapy of the cennobite demons, a dream demon, a zombie-demon and a family of cannibals. Oh, and one super smart therapist/cannibal. Old school cerial killer flicks. That and knowing Sam was close by.

Watching a Hellraiser marathon via Sam's Netflix. Enjoying the sweet, sweet suffering. Pinhead is almost as awesome as Freddy.

XD

I know, terrible time. I'm not happy at home, but even here at 's house where I'm happy, it set in.

I had issues and was in the hospital until just before I had to get on the bus. I had to quit my psych meds cold turkey because they caused issue. I had to and still have more spots to sew on my fursuit...i need help with the head stuff, so I'm sad I missed out on all my plans with it.

I miss my dog, my birb, my older sister. The only one who really loves me, aside from Sam, is my three year old little cousin, who is more my child thsan his moms. Istill try to lie to myself about my life. My cousin shares her kids with me cuz I can't have my own is really, I stay with her cuz she can't take care of her kids alone and she's pregnant again. The little girl is loved by her mom and bio-dad, but the boy's bio-dad only wants to use him for a pawn to control his mom. She regrets having him and he looks like her ex...I'm the only one who really loves him. I can't abandon him for my own happiness. So i am stuck, being used for the little money I have each month, my love for the children in my family I want to protect so desperately. Everyone needs me and the little things I save ages for to make me happy end up being disappointing as well. I don't want these kids to have a crappy childhood like I had. I do want some time to be me, before my mom dies and I have to take care of my special needs sisters forever. I wish I had the means to take my little cousin away with me, but sadly the whole going blind thing puts a big damper on it and his deadbeat dad would probably get him. This man, who married a single mom to take care of his kids while he loafed all the time on his weeks. Small victory, couysin has full custody...if girls bio-dad wins his case and isn't tagged a rapist for life, she's likely to marry him. He hates the boy...and the girl knows "boy isn't her real\full brother" Like that matters at all. So...i love both kids, but am the only one to love the boy like a son. I missed him shortly after arriving here...but his rich grands took him and his sis to Disney in Florida for two weeks. So I know he's not being sad and yelled at all the time without me.

Other than that, I love it here with Sam and Fox and little K. He helps me not miss little E so much. Sam is my best friend, loves me like a sibling. Little E loves me, I'm his daddy, as he has decided. The only people that really love me are my little sisters, little E and Sam's family. It makes me happy and sad at the same time. Hurts rest of my family doesn't love me as I do them.

So, after a mighty bus ride of doom, I'm at my bestie's house! If you didn't know, it's who is getting murried to on the fifteenth! I'm living on their couch, I am also in the wedding. I'll be returning to MI starting the seventeenth. I miss Sam-luff already. -sad puppy is sad-

The party we had was oodles of fun, did face masks, drank adult drinks (this puppy likes mango daquiris) it was wonderful. We played CAH and did an indoor/outdoor waterpark. Now we are on the couch, arting! Sam on tbe laptop, I on my new tablet app. I enjoy it here, wish I could stay forevers, but I am daddy to my cousins little boy...long story involving a deadbeat who broke his little heart too many times.

all sorts of rain and flash floods. The mountains are gorgeous...but now I guess we do some scuba diving instead of spelunking?

Hadrian buried his face into the stuffed cub he held close. Deep snuffles of breath from his silver nose as he tried to detect the faintest hints of her scent. There were none, not anymore. Six years since the leopardess had gone.

It was terrible and fresh in his mind. The first time she had gotten sick, he was there. She never asked for help and he had to push to get her to accept it. That terrifying word that made her weak and sick. She, a single mother, unable to care for her own cub even! When she went for Chemo treatments, he was there to read her books for her. As much as he hated the sappy, ooey-gooey love stories, she adored them. The sickness seemed to try and crush her. Her fur fell out, those dazzling green eyes lost their sparkle, almost turning gray. She could barely hold food and medications down. Hadrian was always cleaning up vomit. They won, though! They beat it into remission after a two year battle. The three of them, Rottweiler, leopardess and tiger cub danced for joy.

Life returned to normal, resuming where it left off. Nearly ten years later, a death happened and that evil thing sank it's claws into her again. Hadrian had to go through the motions of feigning sorrow when his sire passed. The things that man had done too him, the title Dad/Daddy/Father was painful and wrong to apply. Hadrian got to watch him suffer and pass. Sadly, he also got to watch his siblings suffer in real sorrow. He was the first to notice when she showed signs of it again. It wasn't depression from their sire dying, not when the lumps were bad enough to see. It had began to return when their sire was sent to the Cleveland clinic. He was there for two months and they were told he'd die there. He came home to do it, though.

After that man's passing, she finally went in. "Cancer has returned, this time it's far more aggressive." Hadrian and the little white tiger cub took care of the leopardess now. Hadrian could do no more, but waited with baited breath as their brothers were tested, to see if they matched her close enough to donate stem cells and some other things. The eldest, a weasel, did not match enough. The cocker spaniel also wasn't a good match, which left the youngest of his older brothers, the American pit bull terrier. The older siblings, their mom always said Rick had a different sire, when the DNA results came back, he was a match! Which also showed he was always their full brother.

This great news hadn't came fast enough. Chemo failed, tumors grew, fast and huge! The leopardess was in such pain, she was put into a drug induced coma called a twilight sleep. The tumors began on her lymph nodes and spread, one large one wrapped around her trachea. She caught pneumonia and they pierced her lungs and put tubes in, to drain the fluid. When they pulled out the tunes, they let the tumors in. They grew all over inside her lungs and grew so big, she had no room for oxygen. She couldn't breathe on her own. The doctors cut a hole into her throat to put the ventilator in.

She made them promise and sign papers during the first battle. Her cub would go to Samuel and his mate to be raised and loved with their own. If there was no hope, or she'd be stuck to a machine, she wanted to die at home. For them to pull the plug. Hadrian had to step up and argue them into helping. Getting her home so she could die where she wanted.

Hadrian preferred to remember the zoo more. They went, right before she began to get sick again. She loved family things. Hadrian bought a stuffed African wild dog cub and she, a purple tiger. This purple cub was now the one he slept with, clutched to his chest each night. What added to the hurt in his chest was that Tyler, too, was gone. He had nobody to cuddle him, nobody to cry on. Tyler had been there the day Cancer took her forever. His head had rested on the hospital bed, nose pressed on her arm until she was gone. Then Hadrian held him close as he had howled and wailed. Just once, Hadrian let out his pain, loud and in front of others. Not like now, as he sobbed silently. Tears soaking his muzzle.

Being in the mountains, where she loved to be just brings back memories. Most are good, but it still hurts she is gone. He holds it in till his world around him sleeps. Then the memories slip from his eyes and fall.

---

So far the trip is great, been to some caves, camping in the mountains, nature hikes...swimming in rivers and a lake. It's all the things my sister loved! We are also spending a large chunk of time in the state she lived in with her biological mom when she was a teen, she spent a lot of time there as an adult too. Hearing the locals with the southern drawl like she had, it makes my chest ache. I need my big sister still. There's so much right now and she's gone. My older brothers barely know I exist anymore, the one I need most never answers me. It's like I don't matter or exist to him.

My heart hurts.

So, life is kinda crazy but settling now. I have a stable home. I have, well, conflicting feelings, became my cousins children's father figure. I love it but at the same time hate it. I'd always wanted to live with my best friend one day. Sadly, I have to convince my cousin to leave with me.

I am pretty depressed. It's more to do with finding my life partner, my kindred spirit. I have been fine for years, without love. Well, love of a partner. I have the love of children, as if they were my own. The love of friends and sisters. One of them being not-by-blood family. ^_^

I often feel like and extra piece to the puzzle. The one nobody wants to touch because they remember the cat chewed it up, ate it and horked it out. You wanted to throw the soggy grossness out, but your mother put it on a shelf to dry. The one you cringe when you see it in the box. Tatty, wrinkled, chewed and water damaged. It now has no place or purpose, no longer able to fill its' own purpose as backup. It can't fit where the original piece does. Maybe I have no soulmate or kindred spirit?

Nobody wants to hold my leash because I am too broken. Nobody wants a nonsexual pet. Maybe it's also that I am fat? I lose my weight slowly. I don't know why it doesn't go faster.

I'm not sorry I am myself. I'm weird, goofy, fat. I am masculine, but genderfluid. I'm panromantic, the sexual as I tend to get is rp and art. This seems to be my issue, sex is the be all end all for everyone.

I can not find the person I paid for two headshot badges for 2014. I'm almost certain they should have been finished by now and I've not been contacted. I've been searching through everything I save to realize when I asked for a receipt, I didn't get one, or misplaced it somehow cuz I am a derp. One of these cards I have is this woman's info. I'm hoping to find her and maybe she just lost her notes of my stuff. Or at least lost my contact info. She has my email and my FA account names.

She was doing two rottweilers for me, Hadrian and WildMoon. She was very excited about doing Hadrian for the rainbow markings and was saying her neighbor would love to do badges of him too, I decided when I had money later to commission her as well. This was in the Artists Alley.

I'm making a list here to show myself who I've contacted and got a response from so far, Thank you very much for the help! Eventually I'll find her and get my badges. :3



<- You helped me find the right person, thank you so much!


I'll add more as time goes on...and this list also helps me remember who else I wanted to commission, so it's a good thing. ^_^

I found her! -happy dances-

Need moar art from her too, she's awesome.

Well, I'll be in the main hotel with a really good guy. -pokes lots- It'll likely be just us two, so we get beds all to ourselves! Yay! More infos later, I'll dig up one of those silly memes and such.

I'll have Teacup as a tail-less partial and hopefully my custom three fourths suit will be done by then.

First off, you'll notice my gender is marked as Genderfluid, it means I don't hold my gender to the binary norm. Yes, I was born with a female body, but really, most of the time I'm male. I would appreciate if you refer to me with male pronouns. genderfluid is different from being trans, I don't want to change my genitals. I feel my 'junk' doesn't matter and isn't important where my gender comes into play. You don't like it, or need someone to hold your hand and explain it all better? I'm not your person for that.

Thanks to  endlesssmile I've learned what my sexuality is. I'm a pan-romantic aesexual. To some, sex is the epitome of intimacy between two people. It is spiritual, magical... Not really for me. I have other ways to feel that one-ness with a partner and if, if I want sex, I'm more comfortable being the top/'guy'. But Hadrian, how do you get any pleasure out of that? It's hard to explain, but it works. It does. If I can get body reactions and sounds that tell me I'm doing things right, it does 'it' for me. I simply don't enjoy sex. It makes me feel sick inside or actually makes me sick. The past is fun like that.

So, not really into sex, why do you have sexual art and why do you rp naughty stuff with some people? Well, it's fun, or amusing. That's mostly it. I get adult oriented art because I can. I'm an adult, after all.

I do have kinks/fetishes. Most are nonsexual though.

Like I am a leather puppy. I have a leather hood and have a furred tail that attaches to mypants. I put on my kneepads and eventually will have protective fist mitts and I get down on all fours and pretty much act like a regular dog. Bark, fetch, eat and drink from a bowl on the floor. I'm big into roleplaying type things, so being a leather pet is up my alley. But, but you've heard that pet play involves beastiality? Well, it involves that shit as much as the furry fandom does. Do you put on a fursuit to rape an animal? I don't. I don't don my leather pup gear to do anything nude or 'adult'. Frankly, sexual shit while I'm in pup-space freaks me out.I'm pretty much in the headspace of real/feral dog. to me wanting something adult from a real dog is just...no.

I like a bit of pain, like being flogged and whipped with a riding crop, bitten and candle wax. I'm willing to try other kinds of impact play, but low grade. I prefer the big, thumpy toys to the sting. My thing is more the 'pat on the back' type stuff. This sort of play can help me release my emotions, especially when I really need a good cry! Except the wax, that's just fun, there's special candles so you can't damage yourself forever, it's some cool shit.

I like rope bondage, sometimes leather strap type bondage. Now, not everyone gets to tie me up all helpless. Just certain people I know will keep me safe.

Some day, I'll find a buddy who will learn some things with me. I want to learn fancy rope bondage and shibari. I want to learn to properly flog someone, but I have to learn to do it by touch and knowledge of where i should be at. One day, sooner than I want, i'll be totally blind. I want to be able to do mean things to people who enjoy it.

I'm a switch, but right now what I desire most is to have an owner. There's someone special to my heart, who will always have the choice to pick up my leash and hold it tight, she never has to let go. She knows who she is. I've known her for years, eight, maybe ten? Forever, is what it feels like. Even if I thought I'd found my perfect owner, if she dangles a collar in my direction, I'd drop everything for her.

I would love a partner, but someone who understands me and doesn't need sex. Someone who wants to go on dates, snuggle and cuddle. Watch tv, play games,hang out, do nothing! Going places is great too, but if you can do nothing with someone and it's still a great day, yeah. That's the bee's knees in my book! Just, love me for the crazy ass bitch I am!

Oh yeah, in my mind is a bit of the devil. Some of the stuff I rp can turn pretty dark, I love delving into the blackest parts of my mind and playing out the darkness I find. I love gore, fear, pain. Things I'd never do IRL come out in art and rp games. My favorite porn here to find involves rape and gore. Predatory creature hurting and raping a prey type critter? That my cup of tea right there! So far, Teacup and Squak are my evil characters and will embody that darkness that hides in me. They're cold, heartless killers.My stories can get pretty far out there at times. I grew up on old school horror and love it.

Hadrian and Thorne will only ever be drawn adult/naughty with my own characters, even if it is the other gender of themselves. There's also one other person who can have adult art of them done with their own fursona or character, that's
When I find a partner,they will then be whom I get naughties done of with me.

Squak will only have art done of her with Samwise, belonging to and random, made up characters. She has a lust for blood and of course,a thing for Samwise, she'd rather have him alive.

Tyler and Jackie will only be done together.

Leiden, WildMoon, Teacup, Davey are strictly nonsexual characters. Leiden and Teacup will have art drawn of them depicting much violence and evilness, but no yiffy/sexual junk.

I have a kitsune male and a stallion character I'm working on, the kitsune will be pretty much a little slut who needs to be leashed and trained, the stallion is already 'leashed'. He's got someone to hold his reins. I'll edit whenever I feel like it. -yawns-

I had to run to the ER, thought I had super disease pneumonia-flu-cold. I was freezing and shaking terribly (crazy high fever), I had trouble breathing, coughing hard and bringing up a lot of phlegm of gross colors, commuting up my food, stomach/head/throat/chest all hurt, my eyes felt like they burn. The last problem I had, I'll say is usually attributed to the flu, especially stomach flu.

Well, you know those little tiny bottles of wine in bins at Walmart? They took two bottles that size of blood from me, then four more bottles two times each because my crazy high fever was making my blood clot instantly until the meds they gave me kicked in. X-Rays of my lungs, urine sample, some super long q-tip thing way up in my nose. They give me Tylenol, cough medicine with codeine, a bunch of little bottles shot into my IV and waited for all the tests. I was there for seven hours. To be fair, they were very busy.

All this fun to find out I have a high fever and a very bad case of bronchitis. With meds, fighting myself not to cover up because I feel cold and drinking ice water, I'll be better in a few days, or a few weeks. At least they will help! Just what I needed, more bedrest and no touching stuff, currently I can spread my bronchitis, so who wants some? :D I promise to share!

:/ I don't think I' ever commission another fursuit again. What I asked for is being ignored and a color that isn't supposed to be on it keeps magically appearing.

Maker stopped giving me wips and only posted on their FB all, which is how I find out about the mistake once. Then I have to ask about any new pictures, cuz I get no wips and there's hand paws...with the unwanted color.. I know money was spent on materials and time was spent building things, but now I don't want this. It's not what I wanted. I won't get a full refund and I can't sell it for what I paid, so I'll have a box filler.

Some people try to say that fursuit makers don' go back and look at refs or re-read what you want, which I find to be off putting. I'm paying for something I want to be a certain way and get something totally different?

I need to find a game and kill things mercilessly...

It has been decided. My heart hurts so much right now, you've no idea. 'Just a dog/animal" are not words that will make me feel better at all and will actually gain my immense hatred. My boy has been so much more for me than jjust an animal. He is my baby. We've been through a world of pain and suffering together and survived. N

I've decided it's unfair and that our time is done. He needs to close his eyes and rest in peace, never to hurt again. Even though it's time to say goodbye, I'll spoil you worse during the little time we have left.

Depression meds will have a real workout for some time to come! Haha, yes. I get to laugh at myself.

Someday, these journals will have a happy note, right?

Sorry, I know, I have some things I really need to finish. I kept scrapping my sketches for the ConBadgeExchange amongst personal/gift art sketches because I'm just really upset lately.

I try hard to be happy. I do. I know I should be grateful for certain things in my life. I have some good friends, a possible relationship may happen, I didn't die in the car accident and I'm not mangled beyond repair.

It's just, I hurt a lot. Inside and out. Will I be alone forever? Will I find love the way I want or need it? Can a cuddle ever just be a cuddle? Can I be a big dog when it comes time to say goodbye to my furkid, who had kept me from committing suicide I have lost count how many times? When my world goes completely dark, how will I manage? I'm scared of that. Well, both.

It's easy to pretend he'd be with me forever, even when he began to gray and sleep most of the time. We walk, oh yes. My baby loves his walks! When I end up having to carry him home from the park most days it gets a little harder to pretend. He needs to talk still and he is always determined to go to the park. He refuses to turn back before we reach our little bench and watch, sometimes people, sometimes other dogs. Sometimes nothing, we just sit side by side. I know no other dog will ever have a place in my heart like you. You are the special one, I'll always love my future dogs, even your girl, but none will be the same. You helped me heal, you kept me as safe as you could, even if it meant being hurt yourself. Our long walks to escape life and reality that lead us into the deep woods, nowhere...anywhere. The times I was going to do it, I was going to leave. Then it would hit me, you'd murdered and when that threat was gone, it became more of a, who would love and take care of you the way I do?

Your love keeps you by my side, at my feet and even in my lap or just touching me at all times. My love makes me tear up when I hear you struggle to breathe and to know I can't stop the one thing against us. Time. Time, you suck. Age crept up on us, it's going to take you from me, my sweet boy. I'm happy the medicine helps you some, but for how long? I wait for you to tell me you give up, you no longer can stand it but I know, deep down you won't. You're not going to do that to me. It's all going to be up to me, to decide when time is enough. When our time should end. That just kills me inside. The vet has no real answers. What is comfortable enough? Then again, it would be cruel to make you sleep now, if you can live another year and be ok. It consumes me and at random, I cry. Sometimes hard, sometimes just silent tears.

I don't think I can be strong, or face life without you there. How can I do anything when such a large chunk of my world is crumbling away? I hate that I have to decide to lose you, I have to battle myself and choose when it's right, how to tell.

Yup, a sadsack or rainbow rottie over here. I can't really sleep, I keep worrying each night will be his last as I cuddle him against me.

I need to get back to drawing and distracting myself. I don't cry as much.

I'm a huge dork...I enjoy playing animalJam with my little neice and my little cousins. I'm a doofy whit wolf with hearts and a geen pengin with skulls. -poison penguin ftw-

I am somewhat debating on setting money aside for the year's worth of membership thing. XD The only annoying thing is the barrage of people trying to friend me without even talking to me. It's a kiddie game and there's kids looking for mates there and ones begging for being adopted and stuff, just for free things. It's almost like people on WoW begging.

I need to find someone who makes headbases. Resin or foam, resin would probably be best for glasses though. I really, really want a bird. Well, it'll be a bird creature/monster or maybe just a bird. I'm dying to try may hand at making arm wings for myself. I'd just have trouble with a headbase and a taik.

Can anyone help me find bird bases? I like the idea of a resin beak, to be shiny more easily and to make clacking beaky sounds with. There's a maker I'm watching who does skull creatures with some sort of paper mache stuff and from what every customer says, it holds up awesomely! Problem is in Michigan, we have random spouts of every weather, so while I'm having fun suiting, it can randomly rain and I don't think that'd be very good.

So I need
birdy headbase
someone willing to do the beak/tongue/eyestuff for me
want a talking jaw

Yeah, I'm asking a lot.

Grrr, why are ref sheets such a pain? I need a thin, long legged and sexy female jrt with front, back, all four hands/paws and claws, a side and above view of her head, a muscled but chunky gsd male with ears that are upright partly but just the tops flop over, just standard front and side for him, a thin, sexy shihtzu girl with a lion cut (short fur on body, but end of tail fur is long and head/ears is long) with a closeup headshot for the missing eye and one for her eyepatch and a big, strong but lanky pitbull x great dane male. Front and side view for him.

I think I'll give up and try to sleep for a bit.

The jrt would be four foot five, the shihtzu four feet, the gsd 6 foot tall and the pit-dane seven point five feet tall. The jrt and gsd are a mated pair, as are the shihtzu and pit-dane. The gsd is old, twice the age of his mate. The other pair are only a year apart, the female being older. The females are in charge and the males know it. While the pit-dane means well, he's not very bright and is quite forgetful. He's a huge chicken, but will, even when terrified, defend his lady love with his life. He has bad social anxiety. The shihtzu is a firm and sadistic little bitch, but she's also a neat freak, always cleaning her man's face and ears for him. She keeps him on a tight leash...or else he'd hurt himself and that's her job! The jrt is sassy, into pegging her mate as well as forcibly putting him in his place, though he doesn't need it and readily accepts her as Alpha bitch of their pack. When the shihtzu first joined their family group, the gsd was fine with it. she was an adorable little thing and the jrt trained her well in being a Domme, but when the young ale came into the picture, it upset him at first. He was afraid of being replaced and the males butted heads often. This resulted in a lot of...er, one on one attention from the missus to remind him how special he is to her. The younger male thought he'd become Alpha or even the dominant one, he was set right by the females, but this is something repeated multiple times a day. One would think the guy was a glutton for pain and suffering! The gsd tries to help the pup (youn adult) learn his place, learn to be a better submissive and tries to help him remember tasks and such. The poor pup must have been dropped on the head when he was just a wee one!

If you were wondering, these are characters made after the dogs that live in the same house I do. Two are mine, the two eldest ( jrt and 'gsd' He's not actually a sheppy...but for my reasons, he's one here) The jrt is the big bad boss bitch of the house. The 'gsd' is allowed to look/act like he's head of the doggy pack, but it's really her. He's her muscle and she's his eyes. He's blind in his old age of fourteen, she's seven. The shihtzu shall be two in august and the pit-dane is about six months. He was born on christmas day. the little 'shit' is learning how to manipulate and direct the much larger males from the jrt. Even though now she has one eye, she's still as bossy as ever. It's funny to see a ten pound fluffmonster hold down a squirming 150 pound muscley/lanky pit-danee puppy and clean his face and ears. If he dares move or fuss, he gets told and sometimes even gets nipped. Though it's not painful, the ferocious cyclops barely has teeth due to a neglectful and abusive first owner. The pit-dane is a big chicken shit. He's got bursts of pitty energy then has the dane lazy ass attitude most of the day. He's a garbage disposal, tried to eat stones, tin cans, sticks, piles of shed fur I get done combing out.... He 'guards' us well, from killer flies to scary little children who walk past our house. ( I make fun of him because he's supposed to be our replacement watch/guard dog since my oldster is mostly blind, going deaf and just horribly old and isn't as alert as he once was.) It's also plain to see if they were all intact, who'd be a pair. They love one another, i know this. When seperated, they pine for each other and waste away, The girls use their respective males as beds/cushions, the boys usually cuddle and curl together. The oldster doesn't really play, but the young fellow still tries his best. He never gives up and doesn't listen to the warning growls. It takes a nipto get the point and then ten minutes later, all over again. I love how the little pack works, even if, say, they are all fed and the 'good pieces' are still in their dishes the boys will wait and let the girls pick from their dishes to get their favorite pieces. I mix in the soft kibble stuff with the hard ( like the moist n meaty paclets ) and the boys don't mind, as long as their girls are happy.

Random chattering at myself, oh yeah.

I have a creeper running about my house. Busted out a wwindow and screen while we were home to hide from the cops. Had to board it up. Had the cops out several times. I'm pissed. I've set flour everywhere and set up cooking sheets and I'm going to get this guy. Break into my damned house. Grrrr!

Alright, so I need to get pictures of one of each band bracelet I can make and get prices out. It depends on how many bands I have to use per bracelet and if there's any beads and what sort of beads.

Single
Triple Single
Double Rhombus
Fishtail
Starfish
Butterfly Blossom
Bead Flower Ring
Bear/Cat/Boy/Girl Charms (I need peach/skin tones for the humans)
Ladybug & Flowers
Double X's
Beaded Ladder
Ladder
Zippy Chain
Chain Mail
Diamond
Double Triple Single
Message Bracelet
Bow Charm/Bracelet
Cat Head Charm/Bracelet/Ring
Inverted Fishtail
Trifish
Quadsish
Hexafish
Interlocking Double X's
Criss-Cross
Single Plus
Triple Plus

And I'm always looking around to learn to make more and trying out some of my own design.

There's a few people I want to draw some arts for, I'm leaving a reminder for myself here too. I wish I coud draw laying down. My body hurts, but at least I know I'm alive!

People working on arts for ( in no particular order)



- I really want to try drawing the pretty possum.