Was painting  daintydragon's piece, suddenly my cintiq shut off (because there was no signal to the pc). i look over and my computer had just shut itself off randomly ... tried to reboot, it shut back down halfway. tried safe mode, shut back down halfway...

oh god, this is the WORST possible time for this to happen. i'm broke, i mean totally effing broke, and i need to get through with these pieces so that i can take on more so that i can just afford to pay BILLS, and my computer just died, i think...

oh god, i really don't even know what to think or do right now... >.< SHIT.

i put this thing together years ago and we had to have a friend get it to boot up because i didn't do it right. i don't even know the first thing about fixing it, and there's no one i can send it to.... shit. shit.

shit.


edit: general consensus is that it's probably the fans and/or the power supply. i am hoping my motherboard didn't toast itself. going to let it cool off and see if it gets any further, later, and in the meantime i'll pick up an HDMI-to-DVI cable and rig my cintiq to this laptop as soon as it arrives.

thanks, guys. ; ;

This isn’t a centerpiece—it’s how I keep focused in order to work each day. Freelancing—which sounds so glamorous, even if it’s just a fancy way of saying you’re unemployed but get paid a bit to enjoy a hobby—is fraught with its own little dangers. No insurance, a need to get more exercise since you’re not walking around a big office, no real set sleep/wake schedule, no boss to make sure you get your work done. Your boss is guilt, and there are times I’ve preferred a real, live human yelling at me to the voice in my head telling me to stop sucking and get moving on my backlog when the muse is playing mute.

[ Continued at @ my blog, Apostasy and Fruit Tarts ]

I was warned that the other day that my commission form didn't work for a brief period. It works fine now, so it must have just been a random snag. I didn't expect to get a slew of commissions, as people generally don't commission me if I haven't been advertising (unless they just wrapped up a piece with me and want to get another right away), and I haven't posted an FA journal about accepting commissions for at least a month and a half.

Just in case, though, I thought I'd let you guys know that if you have tried to send me a form and I didn't respond, I definitely didn't get anything. Here:

http://holydust.wordpress.com/commission-form/

I've included instructions on how to handle it if I don't respond (which means either I'm in a coma, or it never went through), as well as alternate methods to get in touch with me should the form act up again. Darn you, Wordpress! :D It's honestly more reliable than my old form methods were, but nothing is foolproof, it seems.

Back to work on  xetsa and  daintydragon!

-HD

http://holydust.wordpress.com/2011/.....higo-wip-inks/

I wish there was an easier way to get people to check a Twitter or a Facebook or a blog but I always wind up having to write something up here. :( Blarg. If I were more interesting I'd just post on the blog every day and maybe people would read it, but I never have anything interesting to say!

I've got kind of a huge project coming up after I finally clear my docket, and I've never drawn a big, "could eat a bunch of folks in one gulp" dragon before. You know, the typical European kind. Anyone got any tips? Links to tutorials? Books?

Appreciated~

-HD

Sorry I went missing for a week, guys. :D

Great news. Saw the shrink today. He's kind of mean -- curt, abrupt, a little rude (took two phone calls during my meeting) but, I was depending on him to get these meds.

I had to run all over town, but I've got 'em.

And they're working.

Already today I've handled tons of personal business, shot out phone calls I've been needing to make, and I'm settling down to reorganize, so all of those of you who held out for me this long, be prepared to see the results you've been patiently waiting for.

Best day ever!

Well, turns out the shrink we scheduled the appointment for wasn't covered by our insurance. So we have an appointment with a SURE TO BE COVERED, *SURE* to be able to dispense meds psychiatrist on the 12th. I have to somehow be awake at 10:30 AM... yes, I'm up at 11:00 AM now, but I mean, like, not "already ready for bed" up. but I have time.

I've had two visits with Dr. Simcik, my "grown-up guidance counselor" now. He's been REALLY helpful, you have no idea.

Last session we spoke about my fear of driving. I realized that all of the danger in my driving really comes from my own anxiety -- I know that my fear that something bad will happen is what will cause me to react poorly and cause me to be put in danger, so I have to handle my own anxiety to avoid that happening. I admit that I don't trust a bunch of random strangers on the road, but 9 times out of 10, defensive driving will take care of that; my real fear is that my own anxiety will cause me to cause an accident because I will freeze up or panic and cause an accident on my own.

So the whole "comfort driving"/"positive self-talk" thing may seem silly, but if that's what it takes for me to go out and drive and be a normal person, eff it! Sounds good to me. It's helped a lot already. Honestly, I'd have gone out and gotten "a real job" aside from art if driving didn't scare the piss out of me. So I'm hoping that by working with Dr. Simcik that'll become a possibility in the near future.

We talked about the steps in dealing with anxiety... first, recognizing what is bothering you, second, giving yourself permission to feel anxious, third, breathing, etc. etc. It all sounds kind of silly, but in the grand scheme of things, it makes sense. I told him, "my first reaction is to either try to control the situation by learning where I'm supposed to go or planning out a route - or to just bail by deciding not to go," and he immediately responded, "fight or flight" and that's when it clicked. That's how I've always dealt with it, and I really understand how I can get a grip on it now. I hope you guys learn something from that, if something really small.

I also told him how I'll, say, make plans to go to a movie on the weekend and then when the weekend comes I don't feel like it, and if I go I'll feel miserable and resentful and an hour and a half feels like an eternity. And I feel guilty for it... and I don't want to be the girl who complains the whole time and is negative so I'll back out because the inevitability to me is that I'll complain and make everyone else miserable. And that I hate that potentiality so I cancel. And he asked me about how it'd feel to just try to be compassionate for my peers who are there, to just be there for them instead of worrying about myself, and I realized, I need to have compassion for the people I love. It was really a moment of enlightenment. Even though this issue stems from my ADD, it's a thing I think I might handle on my own, Which was good.


I admit, when I first went to him I was thinking, "this guy is just another 60 year old traditional man who won't understand me" but he's really won me over. He's really smart, really kind, compassionate, and he makes me feel comfortable. I walk out of our sessions feeling really in control of myself, and it's really helped me tons. I'm not making drastic strides forward in my art career right away, but I think it's baby steps. I feel like before these sessions I was totally sequestered in my own world and was faking a grip on everything, but having started them I've pushed that aside and have had to start from square one...so I'm currently in a quiet place, but I'll emerge from it faster and stronger.

In our last session he helped explain to me the differences between sympathy, empathy, and a THIRD status I hadn't considered, compassion:

1. Sympathy = I feel sorry for you
2. Empathy = I know exactly how you feel
3. Compassion = I care for you in your time of need, and am here for you wherever you are.

In other words, compassion is like a perfect in-between of empathy and sympathy.

I got around to talking about Mom, finally. I explained how I've loved her my whole life in spite of the many disappointments she granted me, because who the hell cares; yes, I remember waiting by the window with my packed suitcase, anxious for a weekend visit, waiting from sunrise to sunset only to be told she wasn't coming. Once she felt so badly she pretended to be my grandmother on the phone to my father to fake being sick because she didn't have the means to come pick me up. Other times, I recall she'd wrecked her car or was in jail. I got used to expecting that some disaster would occur before she could come and pick me up.

It's weird how children can both totally be aware that the worst is going to happen and yet, at the same time, feel like the best outcome will occur. I recall being shocked while at the same time being totally unsurprised. Maybe that's something only children can comprehend. I can't understand it myself, now; it's hard to articulate. Then again, as a kid I was tricked into giving up my favorite alexandrite ring for a bottle of sand that was supposed to summon a unicorn at night. I knew it would never happen, and yet every morning I expected to wake up to a unicorn at my window.

Kids are weird. (At least the brat who made the trade was forced to give me my ring back. LOL.)


Of course I remember, but no, I've never been mad. Maybe it's because my father and stepmother told me "she loves you, she's just got a lot of problems". Maybe I owe it to them that I didn't develop a complex because of my mom. I'm grateful I didn't, I really am.

She made shit tons of mistakes, but she still had me, and she still cared for me and made sure I was fed and clothed, gave me to my Dad to raise me, made the right decision in spite of her drug use and wild years. I explained that I will love her til the day I die because she did the best she could. I take after my father in my looks, my laugh, my personality, but I think deep, deep down, I have my mother's soul, so I understand her in ways I've never been able to explain to her.

No matter how many times I've sat on the phone and listened to her cry and tell me that she feels so guilty for being a bad mother, no matter how many times I have to tell her "you made the right decisions given your situation", no matter how many times I say I love her, I told Dr. Simcik I'm aware that all I can do is say "I'm here for you and I love you".

I told him what I haven't even been able to tell her: she goes back to the drugs and the people who do the drugs because she needs acceptance. She is a person who has only ever done drugs because of the people connected to them. She needs to be loved. But her firstborn daughter can't give that to her, because she's never been near enough to her to provide the kind of constant affirmation that she needs to be whole.

Dr. Simcik said I was incredibly perceptive. It just kind of felt like a kick in the face -- not a purposeful one, mind, just, disappointing. Like, why, if I'm so observant, am I so messed up? Why can't I help her?

He helped me understand that, as regards my mother, I am neither empathetic nor sympathetic, really, but rather am compassionate; I care for her and love her no matter her troubles, but I keep a constant balance between caring too much, which can lead to anger and resentment (because you become so invested in the other person that it leads to disappointment and frustration and you wind up having a love/hate relationship), or becoming so detached that you wind up becoming apathetic. I mean, he showed me a chart. And as silly as it sounds, the chart made sense: there's a bar in the middle, and on the left side is caring, and on the right side is detachment, and the farther you go on either side, things are bad. You have to keep a balance between care and detachment. It's like this:


[Anger (Love/Hate) -> Care | Detachment <- Apathy]


Honestly, for $25 a session I'm calling this a steal. He's taught me a lot.

I realize this is all pretty heavy. I don't mean for it to be. I don't view it that way. I just talk about my life because, you know, it's my life. It's just the way it is. I look on it with fondness because it's where I come from. I suppose I'd be more bitter if I had anything to be bitter about, but I don't. I just see it as, I don't know, the Legos that make me the person I am. I appreciate it for what it is.

So that's that.

We're also working on my fear of driving and leaving the house. I guess I have a lot to work on! At any rate, I'll have ADD meds probably no later than the 12th or the week of... 'til then, yes, I have serious art block, and I'll try to send out another mass email soon, but I love you guys and you have been SO supportive. I've told my counselor how great it's been to not have to go through this without the support net that my friends and FA family provide.

x.o.
hd

Well, I'm not so good at this finding doctors thing, as you might know. I just got back from that appointment. Dr. Simcik is really more of a family counselor -- marriage counseling is the major thing, along with anxiety, depression, problems that can sometimes be dealt with with just therapy. So the bad news is, he can't prescribe medication. The good news is, he diagnosed me with ADD and acknowledged that therapy wasn't going to work -- and gave me a referral to psychiatrist I am making an appointment with ASAP. He said that if you go to a psychiatrist first, they have to vet you and tend to be a little less trusting because you might just be someone looking for stimulants, but since I saw a family counselor and got the referral from him, he says it will be a bigger sign that I actually do need help. Which turns out in my favor that I went to the wrong person first. :)

He also actually explained how ADD medications work in a way that finally made me understand it, which was a pleasant surprise. He likened it to the process of using a high-speed camera to take slow-motion shots; more frames per second means a clearer, slower picture, and vice-versa. Wow! It all actually makes a lot more sense now.

And on the plus side, I actually do think Dr. Simcik will be someone I go to see regularly! He's basically like a guidance counselor for grown-ups. I missed having that kind of figure in my life, you know? A person who isn't your parents that you can just go to when things are a little questionable or rough and let them help you through it. So I'm glad I found him, anyway. $25 to sit for an hour and be helped with things like my social anxiety and self-confidence is a pretty fair deal, I'd say. Sure, there are catchphrases, acronyms, and gimmicks, but sometimes that cheesy sort of practiced rhetoric is surprisingly more helpful than you think it will be.

He gave me a CD labeled "positive self-talk" (giggle) and recommended a book to Cory called "Living With ADD When You're Not the One Who Has It: A Workbook For Partners". Surprise, someone actually wrote a book about this! So I think I'll be coming back to see him. He's a genuinely sweet, caring man and talking to him made me feel a lot better. Maybe it's just psychosomatic, but if it works, it works.

I know he'll be able to help me with my fear of driving and the anxieties I get over dealing with peers and strangers, so that's going to be the main thing I really want to see him for. I don't want meds for those things... I think I just need a knowledgeable person to help me work through it. He gave me some printouts about panic attacks and anxiety and the CD, of course... so it looks like I have a road ahead of me, but it's a lot better than feeling lost.

He also did talk to me about my use of alcohol as an occasional escape from anxiety related to social interaction. I've used it as a crutch when I didn't feel I could open up to people enough to lightly converse without it. I explained that I don't go overboard at all when I'm out with friends, but that I can get a little sidetracked at home and go overboard without meaning to and that I feel bad the next day. I'd like to pretty much drop that habit, and I think he'll be able to help me with that quite easily, which will be great (moneywise, healthwise, and with general happiness). I'm not an alcoholic, but my mother was, and that's something that can happen if you rely on it to escape from problems and I'm aware enough of that that I don't want to go down that road. He said he had a problem with it for 20 years, so... I'm not afraid to talk to him about it. And I talk about that here because I don't think it's anything to be ashamed of -- we're all imperfect, and part of getting better is being able to be honest about your flaws, you know?

So, it will still be a while before I can get ADD meds, but on the plus side, I have been working hard on my art this week anyhow and am not suffering too badly. I do have good weeks, and thankfully this is one of them.

I'll keep you guys posted.



edit: Dr. Simcik just called and asked if I'd be able to come to an appointment next Tuesday at 7:30 PM to work on some other stuff, and I said yes. :D So we'll be working on my other issues quite often, it seems! But that's good. I actually look forward to it.

Eeee! So, I have a shrink now, I guess... :D Dr. Simcik sounds like a really nice man. We talked a little on the phone when I made my appointment. Next Wednesday, 2:30. This is great news -- that's a lot sooner than I expected to get one!

So weird calling the first time... it was him on the voicemail, pointing out that the voicemail is confidential and that if you are having suicidal thoughts or tendencies to call the emergency line or 911... >.< It really cemented the fact that I am, in fact, going to a professional counselor. But hey, that's part of the whole remedy, admitting I have a problem.

But anyway, it's good news. It couldn't come at a better time, really... my focus seems to be lingering at "poor" again. At least I'm finally able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. :3

It's a little scary, though. There are a few other problems that are inevitably going to come up -- problems I'm not sure I'm going to do so well talking about to a kindly 62-year-old man. Maybe I can save it, and if my ADD getting cleared up doesn't fix it, then I'll mention it the next time I see him...

This stuff is scary ;_;



On a very, very sad note...
http://www.themarysue.com/tomoko-kawakami-death/

The Japanese voice actress for Utena passed away last month. I had no idea... this really breaks my heart. She was a big part of my growing-up period. I'll miss her. RIP Kawakami-san...

Went to get my bloodwork done today. Took a week to find a time when a) there'd be a car available and b) I'd be up and healthy enough to fast the eight hours prior.

Took the needle-poke like a boss. I realize I really, definitely don't have a problem with needles. Getting your nose pierced'll do that for you. The whole thing was almost fun because I was so proud of myself. As a child, I was the tiny little girl who needed five nurses to hold her down to get a booster shot. :D Now I'm like "meh". I just don't look while it's happening. Knowing exactly when it's coming is a little scary, so I started just looking away, and it's doing that that made me realize how little it actually hurts (as long as the nurse knows what she's doing).

They surprised me with a urine test. I was like ...oh :( I hate those. Luckily I wasn't stuck sitting around waiting with a cup of water like in high school. Those bastards always got me right after I'd already gone. You'd think getting to skip class sitting in the gym would be fun, but my high school crush was always five feet away. Oh, you can't pee either? Awkward...

It'll be about four-to-five business days for the results, and then I'll have to get the referral for the psychologist from Dr. Spencer, get an appointment with them, get diagnosed, then make another appointment with Dr. Spencer to get a prescription... but after that I'm home free, and will probably be up and working on commissions with righteous fury again after that.

For all of you patiently waiting on me in spite of my derpiness, thank you so much for understanding. Things are going to change massively for me (and thus, for you) when all of this is over with.

<3

closing with some funny:
holy shit, tigger
and
get down from there, coffee

Practicing with this software, thought I'd jump right in with some basic templates and a few quotes from Mean Girls. *LOL* Oh god, how lame is this? But I got some practice. Think I can handle myself with the program now. It's a stand-alone game. No viruses, honest. :3 It takes like 30 seconds to flip through. Not bad for 30 minutes of playing around (trying to stay awake so I can get on a day schedule so I can go to the doctor again on Thursday). :D

Can't wait to put this to less ridiculous use in my free time.

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/9469674/Temp/meangirls.exe

Here's a screenshot.
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/9469674/Temp/mgscreen.jpg

The past few days have been pretty damn good to me. Those heart palpitations I mentioned back when I saw Dr. Spencer? I haven't had any since. I reduced my caffeine intake and noticed my heart went a little crazy after a good morning dose of coffee, so I've realized my caffeine tolerance was grossly overestimated... which is good, because it means I've cut down a great deal. I realized a while back that I crave carbonation more than caffeine, so non-caffeinated sodas (Fresca is amazing) are good for my soda craving and my coffee is more of a once-a-day thing now.

As well, I am a dumbshit... remember how I keep saying I don't know how to take proper care of myself because of my ADD? Well, sometimes it honestly robs me of my common sense. Case in point: I've been taking double the dose of the diphenhydramine sleeping pills this whole. Damn. Time.

See, some part of me sometimes fails to do common sense things like, I don't know, check the label and see if I'm taking the proper dose. I now recall that I started taking twice as much long ago for days when I was struggling, but the realization that it was twice as much as I needed never quite clicked later (when I no longer needed it), and I'd been taking two pills instead of one every time I needed to sleep. Thus, heart palpitations, grogginess, poor sleep. Because I'm an idiot.

I have started taking one diphenhydramine pill for sleep and one melatonin. The latter eases me into sleep and gives me comforting dreams. The past three nights have been amazing for sleep, and I've been bright-eyed and bushy tailed every day. It's really been great.

I recently discovered icefilms.info. This site is amazing. I don't have a TV in my office, so DVRing shows I like or watching anything that doesn't wind up on Netflix instant queue (let's face it, the selection is piss poor unless your tastes are obscure, and in a few weeks you've seen everything you'll want to see and the selection doesn't update much) is out of the question. Thanks to this site I've caught up on all the shows I missed and am now up to date on the ones I'd like to start catching on TV from now on. :3 It has absolutely everything, which has been great for keeping my ass in this seat and making me work on my art.

I saw "Tucker and Dale vs. Evil" yesterday and it's like, seriously, seriously funny. Brutally funny. I loved it. Go watch it, especially if you're a fan of Alan Tudyk ("Firefly's" Wash). (The sound appears to be off on the regular uploads. I watched the "screener copy", which was actually really funny, because it lacks most of the SFX, so you get shots where there is a caption that tells you what will be put in later... LOL.)

Watched "Dylan Dog: Dead of Night" this morning. It was nice background noise, and Brandon Routh (Todd Ingram from "Scott Pilgrim vs. the World") is very easy on the eyes... <3

I also saw all of season 1 of the US version of "Being Human". Not life-changing, I'll admit, but I enjoyed keeping it on while I worked.

And, because I am a giant nerd... I have been downloading a torrent of every episode of "Ghostwriter". If you know what that is... congratulations, you're old. If you don't... you missed out. The torrent is seeded by like... 2 people. So it's going to take weeks. *LOL* Worth it. That show was my whole LIFE as a kid. God. So funny. Growing up in northeast Texas in a small town, obsessively watching a PBS show about a bunch of very, very New York kids solving mysteries. I remember being like "they know an Asian kid!" like it was the most exotic thing I'd ever heard before. Diversity wasn't really a big thing where I grew up. I had to get my diversity from the TV.

I thought I had more things to say, but I think I ran out! I think it's time to read some more of "Hunger Games" and go to sleep. :3~ Nite!

Saw Dr. Spencer today, got a check-up. He said everything seems fine which is a relief... but I had fasted for 13 hours (bad timing on my part) and am running on like 4 hours of sleep, so going to another place after to go wait for another hour for someone to poke me with a needle and take blood was out of the question. I'll have to do it later this week. Then after that it'll be like, 4 or 5 days for results... then I'll have to make a new appointment with Dr. Spencer when my lab results are in, and then he'll have to refer me to the psychologist, who I'll have to call and make an appointment with to get diagnosed for ADD... then I have to come back to Dr. Spencer for a prescription. *huffhuff* but... other than that, I guess it's better than nothing. And Dr. Spencer, as expected, didn't need much convincing.

He did warn me that ADD meds might diminish my creativity somewhat, but I'm honestly willing to take my chances. I warned him that I am a night owl, that my circadian rhythms are all kinds of off and always have been, that I can't force myself to sleep when I don't want to, that I have trouble focusing or even remembering simple things (even with notes plastered all over the place), that I don't eat well, drink way too much caffeine, etc. etc. It's embarrassing, but I couldn't get help if I didn't just lay into the big long list of reasons why I suck at taking care of myself.

Mentioned that I was having heart palpitations any time I take diphenhydramine for sleep so he had the nurse run an EKG on me. So that was kind of neat. She said the results were fine. Obviously we don't wanna go putting me on any prescription stimulants if my heart isn't so good, but after the EKG, I'm willing to bet it's just the diphenhydramine and any other light palpitations have been caffeine-related. One less thing to worry about is good!

So yeah. Stressful but at least I've eaten something now. I'll try to go get the bloodwork done right after I wake up from sleep instead of suffering through fasting all day again.

edit: thanks to Kierstal for an awesome solution!

In my novel, Reve (the hero) makes a deal with a soldier stationed in the Temple; in wake of recent fires in the village of Virandene, Giacomo (the soldier) has heard nothing of his love, Lea. Reve agrees to go forward and bring back word of Lea on his return in exchange for Giacomo's help in securing the theft of a priceless artifact that is housed in the temple.

Close to the end of the novel, Reve knows what happened to Lea. I won't say what the truth is, but he has to compose a letter to Giacomo telling him that Lea is dead.

Now, the question is: how the hell should I do this?

Would it be better if I simply say that he wrote the letter with regret and sent it off? Or would it make a good chapter opening if I actually print the letter in the book?

I ask the latter because I have tried to write it out, but it just sounds so horrible. How would a roguish hero in a fantasy novel tell someone he barely knows, but who has helped him, that the lover he pines for has died?

It just feels so impersonal. Should I go on my first instinct and simply say that he wrote it and sent it off, or should I use it as character development and try to write it out? My gut instinct is really winning out here, but I *AM* curious to know how others would write it, if they had to.

I can't help but feel that even if I don't include it, I should write it anyway. It might help me better understand how to write Reve's feelings around the time of the scene if I've seen how difficult it is to write the letter, myself.

-HD

Hi, all~

To my clients, first things first: My doctor's appointment is next Tuesday, the 19th. Dr. Spencer can't give me a diagnosis, but he's going to give me a referral to another doctor for my ADD (which I will make an appointment with the second I get the referral) and he'll be able to give me a prescription. Please be aware that I know my pace has been glacial, at best, but as soon as I get diagnosed and prescribed, I hope to be knocking out your pieces within a day or two at the most, each. <3 Thank you for being so supportive and understanding; I love and appreciate every single one of you.

With that out of the way, I must confess I haven't had the presence of mind to do much each day other than read and, on occasion, write. I've actually not been up to my 1000 words a day for the past few. In fact, I've taken off almost a week—a week I'll have to make up. But I have been outlining, researching, and otherwise planning, and it's given me a lot to think about.

That said, I have come to a conundrum, when writing advance dialogue for the God in my story, Riehelia.

At first, I wasn't even sure if she should speak. I've never written for an actual deity before. The whole thing has floored me—I know the kind of God she is. I know what she values. I know what she wants of the people and the world she's created. I know her personality, how she feels. She is quite human, for a deity.

I wanted her to be casual, but not the down-to-earth, "could be human if you didn't know any better" speech patterns of Gods in the realm of Pratchett and Gaiman. That didn't fit her—particularly in this story, which is essentially a straight-up fantasy (styled after fantasy JRPGs).

Writing her dialogue has been a tumultuous experience, because I want her to be relatable to the characters without being too lofty. As such, I've given her the use of contractions: words like "I'm", "I've", "didn't", etc.

But in other places, the use of phrases like "cannot", "(I) am not", and their ilk have crept into her dialogue.

The problem is, the way I've written it, with a mixture of both, is what has felt most natural to me.

How do you feel? Is a relatable, human-like God(dess) figure capable of mixing contractions?

Here's an example passage. Her dialogue is much like this through the entire scene. You tell me if it's jolting:

Riehelia wrote:I am afraid that it was you alone. You had my full power; you simply didn't know how to control it.
...
It's... complicated, young one. But I would have done the same for Etus. I would have done the same—a thousand times.

:D This one doesn't really give away much plot. I introduced the courtesan, Aura (thanks to  azelyn for the lovely name, I needed serious help). In this scene, Reve stands watch in the hallway while the others sleep, because one member of their party is a little too frightening to trust wholly. Lux got drunk for the first time and actually tried to pick a fight with the guy (defending Aura's honor -- adorable little guy!) -- Reve broke it up just in time. He still has the cuff he stole from Lux's temple. He tried to have his fence melt it down, but it remained totally in tact and didn't respond to the heat. He's befuddled and despondent, now; he was counting on hawking it to get money to get the hell out of Dodge.

annnnd obligatory teaser WIP of Reve x Lux: here~ <3 (when I'm not feeling my mojo I work on personal crap to get the bad art out of my system, lol.)

And, oh god, I abuse semicolons. I have realized this in my two weeks of working on this novel. I know I use them correctly, but I am realizing they are a huge part of my voice -- the first realization I've HAD about my voice as a writer. And I honestly don't know if that's a good thing or a Very Bad Thing.

Obviously, I don't want to use them in every single paragraph, but I think it's just the way I train thoughts together in narrative. I am going to go do some semicolon research. >.> To a lesser degree, I abuse the em-dash. I guess my narrative voice likes to interrupt itself!

---

For two hours, Reve kept silent vigil in the narrow hallway upstairs. Camped in a chair propped against Lux’s door, he sat in quiet consideration of his predicament.

The bracelet—he couldn’t stop staring at it now. He turned it over and over, passing it from one hand to the other. It didn’t look special. It didn’t feel special. Religious artifacts were forgeries created by men to fool other men into giving up money and power. In Reve’s experience, the only things considered priceless were, usually, worthless.

And now his plan had been completely subverted; he had no money with which to secure his escape.

Reve thought back to the boy sleeping in the room behind him. He had to correct himself, actually—in the temple he’d seen a boy, but what Reve had seen in Lux tonight was the beginnings of a man, if a very naive one.

He had to admit that he liked him, in spite of Lux's choice of career. Had it been a choice, or was he born into this? He now wondered what would happen to Lux, if Reve did decide to abandon him in Virandene.

For the first time, Reve considered staying.

The rogue wasn’t sure what he was really afraid of, after all. They were making good time on their journey, and it would take less than a month to complete. Aura and Kordus seemed to be good company, and Lux deserved protection; Reve had seen the compassion in him. He wasn’t like the Archon, nor even the other monks in the Temple. He was inquisitive, full of potential. A caged bird might very well change his tune when set free.

Would the Church really let them all go when Lux returned? Reve realized now that this, this was the one fear that kept him fixated on the idea of escape. He couldn’t trust the Church. But, strangely, Reve had begun to feel as though he could trust Lux.

How much authority did the boy have?

A creak on the steps below shook Reve from his thoughts. He again reached for his belt, only to feel empty air where he had once kept his dagger; but he saw that it was only Aura, the courtesan, coming upstairs to sleep.

He’d not had the opportunity to really see her, before, but now he took her in. Outfitted in her former splendor, she was much more impressive. The downtrodden prisoner he’d first seen in the dirty underground had given way to a woman of magnificent grace and poise, a brimming light in this dark hallway, her adornments simple but well-chosen.

She wore clusters of tiny bells on her ankles and wrists, and a revealing dress made from filmy layers of silk the colors of sea foam and coral. She’d bound up her hair with gilt combs in a thick knot that left a train of wavy tresses over one shoulder, a waterfall of spun gold. Though she looked, at first blush, every bit the perfect male fantasy, her demeanor elevated her to near-unapproachable—except for the kind smile behind her eyes, a genuine smile that Reve could tell was reserved only for those she deemed worthy.

Aura approached and glanced at the closed door. “How is he?”

“He’ll be okay,” Reve said, slumping down in the chair again and folding his arms over his chest. “He just needs to sleep it off.”

The courtesan clasped her hands behind her back, and Reve saw the barest trace of that smile on her lips. “He’s very lucky, you know... to have a friend like you.”

Reve opened his mouth, but couldn’t find any words. Had he become Lux’s friend?

Bowing her head, Aura continued on through the hallway, going around him. She carried herself so easily that the rogue thought with some amusement that she might walk on water if she liked. He watched her disappear into her room and close the door gently. He admitted, with some disdain for himself, that he hadn't expected her to go to bed alone; then again, he'd never known a real courtesan. She had pleasantly obliterated his prejudices in all of a day with no effort at all. She'd been so gracious, so stoic. Would he have wanted someone else to judge him so, based only on his chosen profession?

That is if, indeed, a profession is what you'd call Reve's choice in life.

He was glad, then, that he'd offered to guard the hall for the two of them. They were both deserving of his protection, it seemed—though Aura could obviously hold her own. Lux might, too, given time.

Alone again, Reve looked down at the ill-gotten treasure sitting in his hands and pondered his path. The small lakeside village of Ilden lay just past the Virandene Wood. He hadn’t told Lux, but Reve had friends there. If they could aid him, he still had a shot at getting out of this; and whether or not they could, by then he might know if he still wanted to. Right now, he was more uncertain than ever.

He’d make up his mind in Ilden.

LOL, weirdest subject ever.

Last night I dreamt that Miracle Laurie (Mellie/November from Dollhouse) was my BFF and bought me a really posh gourmet restaurant.

Let me say that again. Miracle Laurie bought me a gourmet restaurant in the dream I had last night.

Not only that, she bought it for me for two reasons:

A) because it had an amazing bathroom in some kind of personal, off-limits living space with a tall shower made of brown marble and some kind of insane water jets built into the sides.

B) because it would get me into some kind of gourmet restaurant Illuminati group she was in. Apparently, these people controlled the whole city through money earned by their snooty eateries.

I had my first meeting with them in one of these restaurants. They were sitting at some kind of VIP table. They were snobby. Like, archetype, bad guy in a Disney movie snobby. She looked sweet but nervous, like I was going to do something to get me kicked out right away. I sat down at the table and told her I would be giving her 30% of the profits, keeping 60% for myself, and giving 10% to charity. I recall adjusting the numbers because she had said she wanted to do it for me so that I'd never have to work again.

That's all I remember.

What is wrong with my brain.

And if anyone thinks of saying "there are three flowers in a vase..." don't act surprised when I go into murder-mode and table-stomp you.

Melatonin makes you have weird dreams, part #23412432+

Last night I dreamt I was in this massive urban apartment area with lots of grassy lots in between them. I went outside to move to what I feel like was a laundry room, but I was in a bra and white skirt and stockings. I guess I thought I'd run over to the laundry room and no one would spot me.

(I was Nao in my dream, surprisingly, not really myself. But she's somewhat like me [with the exception of the supermodel good looks] so it didn't seem that strange.)

On my way to the laundry room I saw this exodus of attractive young Japanese students being led by someone. They were all in skimpy clothing. They didn't seem saddened but something told me something was wrong. I folded into the group as they passed and took the hand of a sweet-looking, shy girl. She squeezed my hand hard. I then realized these kids were prisoners. I went with them without question.

They took us to a big room with flourescent lights and desks, something like a classroom with laptops on every desk. The kids sat down and I was still holding the girl's hand. In my broken Japanese (in my dream I really could only say what I do know IRL, which was also strange) I asked what was wrong. She explained to me what was going on, but I caught most of it through her facial expressions and tone of voice. Everyone was scared but there was no way to leave. They were in some kind of sexual slavery, though I didn't see anything happening in front of me.

I kept talking to her, assuring her without being able to really say it that I was going to save them and get them out. She held on to my hand through the whole dream. We felt totally inseparable and I felt like if I lost her I'd completely lose my will to live. It was an amazing, bewildering feeling being so close to someone I could barely talk to. All communication was physical and emotional, barely verbal. I kept assuring her, "it's okay, it's okay" because I had run out of things I could actually say in her language.

I tried to find a way out for myself and the girl -- her name escapes me now, but I had learned it in the dream -- and I think I managed to break the door free and several kids escaped, but she got left behind at the last moment. I crumpled to the ground outside as the door shut and then returned to my own apartment. I was concocting a scheme to return and save her when I woke up.

My brain is so goddamn weird at night.

Yes, finally we buckled down to make an appointment with our family doctor to hopefully get me diagnosed officially for my ADD. :P It's been long enough; I've tried a lot of things, but it's so bad that just doing conventional things like getting sunshine, exercise, eating properly and having a regular sleep schedule are hard to do without help. I have no question the doctor will hear what I have to say and agree that I have it, without a doubt.

The good news is that if all goes well, I will go back to being a functional human being and may even get back down to that 2-4 day turnaround I used to have on my art when I was, strangely, far more functional for whatever reason, than I am now (oh how I long for that again, and I'm sure my clients do, too). :D

So wish me luck, guys. Hopefully I'll have some good news this week.

Trying to come up with quick, unique elements to distinguish the towns in my novel.

Here are the basics so far, aside from the big plot elements that I already know:

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/9469674/Temp/towns.jpg

I'm trying to discern more things to make each town totally unique. I'm actually looking for strange idiosyncrasies beyond what I've included here. So, tell me -- sit and think about things you like and just tell me in the comments! It can be anything from birds to alcohol. I'll decide where to place them if I like 'em. <3

Thank you for your brainstorming brains! >:D

-HD


And while you think:

edit: Just to be on the safe side, I won't be posting any more of the chapters. Once the first draft is done, you guys are welcome to offer to proofread. Thanks for your interest! <333




I have been reading advice that tells me I shouldn't share the novel until the first draft is totally done. I've seen conflicting opinions on this; some need the encouragement to keep going, others worry it will stifle their desire to continue writing. I'm not sure where I stand. I do need you guys to keep me accountable, but I wonder if perhaps just keeping a tally of my current/expected word count would help with that?

I may just add a note in my header that shows where I'm at, and I would hope people stay on me if I'm not keeping up... but really, I don't know how many people are interested now that the word count is in the 13k word range. :D People seem less anxious to keep up because I'm moving pretty quickly, now, and I understand that.

So, feel free to volunteer to be a proofreader in a month or two when it's done, but for now, I'm considering not posting any more. I MAY post the last 3 day's worth and then stop after that, but ... right now perhaps I should keep the rest to myself. :D

Thoughts?

-HD

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aA9O.....layer_embedded

<3 you put the lime in the coconut, you drink 'em both together, put the lime in the coconut and then you feel better! <3


...i'm gonna go to bed, but you people who still party this late on a tuesday morning, you go on with your bad selves. >;3

Phew! I actually failed horribly on day 7, just got totally stuck. Then I had a few drinks which turned into two days of sleeping. Today, day 9, I sat down with the daunting task of catching up, but within 2 hours I had all 3 days-worth of writing and I felt good about it. I'm going to try not to skip any more days, though. >.>

Today's post is a bit on the rushed side, but that's a first draft for you. :D TIME TO DO ART NOW I SWEAR

Gonna try to get a few sketches out to people that are down the docket so they have something to hold onto while they wait. :)

-HD

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P4jmB9fdZc8

Pogo did a remix of my favorite film ever. EVER.

evereverfuckingEVER.

excuse me while I go cry in a corner of pure joy.

Many thanks to  offox who helped me figure this out! A solution has been found. :D


(This journal refers to my novel, a work in progress: Epoch)

In the middle of the story, Lux's party has to enter Hidden Village Uagi, an island village with many secrets to protect. It is populated by a race of people long thought extinct, a race that had, until several hundred years ago, been enslaved by the Eturian Church. The Uagi People fought for their freedom and then demanded that the Church declare them extinct; they then disappeared to their own secret island and the Church must include them in Eturi's blessing during each pilgrimage as reparation for their previous enslavement.

I have a feeling that Lux knows that he shouldn't bring his entire party into the village -- only the Cardinal, Archons, and the chosen Acolyte know that the village exists. If the rest of his party knows, that would be incredibly risky for the Uagi people. Reve is trustworthy and Lux needs at least one bodyguard; likewise, I am sure the Uagi have a medicine man or some kind of mystic who could tell he was trustworthy and allow him entry along with Lux.

The problem is, how do I leave the others behind for a day or two without the risk of them running away? I know that the Thief (a kindly religious type who stole out of necessity) and the Whore (a wise courtesan who is happy to be a part of the pilgrimage) would not run, but the Drunkard (a total coward) and the Murderer (who scares the shit out of everyone for good reason) would possibly consider running.

The thing is, they all have been told they'll be released after the pilgrimage is over, but:
-They may not believe it.
-They may not want to continue on the journey anymore.
-They may wish to cause trouble by damaging the integrity of the group -- if you were a sociopathic murderer, and saving the world was dependent on your presence in a group, wouldn't you consider running just to be a dick?

I can't just put them in prison for a night. Sure, Lux could order it and the soldiers in Gaeku or Helvygon could keep an eye on them, but that wouldn't be very smart, since they will have to journey together again after that. I don't know how wise it would be to alienate the crazies by putting them in jail again for a night just to make sure they don't run.

And I don't think I'd want to have Lux incapacitate them in some way (like a sleeping potion) because that's a) cheap and b) might still anger them when they wake up.

It is possible that Lux could trust them and the murderer could run away. Lux would be crushed, thinking the pilgrimage is no longer viable because it doesn't follow the Texts. As the author, *I* know the actual makeup of the party is totally irrelevant, but HE doesn't know that.

Should I let one of them run away, and use that as a plot point? Or do I try to figure out how the hell he would manage to keep the reluctant ones from bailing before the journey is over?

Help! I'm going to be stuck unless I figure this out. :D

-HD