Well its been a year since I made a journal.

Not much has changed since then: promoted to maintenance, art still growing (even though I have not posted anything) and console hording. Lost weight built muscle, alot more violent in attitude (I.e. won't take sorry bull shit)

Just blah.

I would like to hear from friends that are on here... *shrugs* I do miss all the ones I made. I honestly do. Karma, Ryu, Dan, and reborn_scale.

And to those who also want to read this please feel free to chat it up and I'll do some scetches or stuff. I can't so any digital, only paper.

all this time i try to talk to people and all i get is the cold shoulder, even from a few of my friends. even people who want to initiate a conversation just dont talk back after 3 messages. make my self esteem just boost through the roof if you ask me. no wonder i feel so alone. Thanks to you all.

and fuck all this talking to be friends shit, all you want to do is just to fuck and go. im no god damn toy for anyone's enjoyment! if i cant have some fun in my life why use me to get what you want?! is that all people think about is just with what their hormones tell them?! i swear if i could just separate my mind from my bodily needs, in which are so god damn primitive, i would be so much better for it. yea sure i sound like a damn hypocrite with all my favorites of porn on my profile, but i have no where else to get the sensation of what i "desire" so again i follow what the body says. the mind is consumed to the fleshes needs, wants, trivial bull shit.

damn im so angry... well what happens when someone gets beaten, abused, and broken for most of their existence. hatred... loathing... anger... lonely... all traits i have. i dont even know why i try to have friends... maybe to feel welcomed again. i dont know.

Now since this will be my second time at FWA and i kinda know what to expect, i will be in the artist alley to sell some art to get some monies for some valuables.

My fully detailed art i will sell for $50.
-only three slots will be available, due to time length to complete them. due to the limit of my art it will have to be landscapes.

and i will have 10 slots for 10 to 20 bucks. can range from fursona, cartoons, landscapes, and abstract art.

If anymore i can add more or less to price. i am wiling to negotiate price.

If you want to have a pre order for your art i will try to have it done by FWA and you can pay me when you come. I unfortunately do not have a PayPal account. so it will have to checks or cash for now. :/

But for those who want the detailed art i will ship them to you after FWA if im not complete with them.

If you are some what interested just send me a note, if not wish me luck at FWA. I hope i can get some art myself. i will have limited amount of funds, so i will not be able to get much and i want to change that. So donations, or just help in general would be valued.

Much love, and i hope to see you at FWA. <3

Happy new year:

Jolyra, For being a wonderful grandmother. helping me grow up and stand on my own since i was kicked out last year.

Meg (tsuki), For being a good sister, and a damn good friend. even though we get on eachothers nerves. thats bound to happen.

Brad, For being a uncle i wanted growing up. even though you are quiet and some times annoying, yesterdays walk helped know you better.

 Generalrazor Happy new years bazz. Im sorry for not being a good friend, and having a few month span in out talking. But i hope to make it my new year resolution to be a better friend.

 KarmaAi Hppy new years to you to man. I also have good news. I will see you at FWA, and e will have our Hard rock Cafe tradition. Heh March can come around fast enough. Thank you for being a good friend to. :)

 Ryo-Aki Happy new years to you. :) Even though we hardly talk i do have respect for you bc you are an very open person. Thank you for being a good friend.

 Reborn_Scale Happy new years! I know i havent talked to you in a while but you have (almost. still feel bad) not left my memory. :)

 Mont Happy new years. and you just being a fox... yea. :) thanks for being a friend man.

 GeekyWereWulf Happy new years Jon. I hope all is going well in Utah. It was fun knowing you in person before you moved. Tell the family happy new years for me too.

 gaco200608 Happy new years to you Brax. I hope to see your butt soon. Huskys need husky friends. lol

And my baby girl Freya. I love yu very much. Just i dont think i will be able to handle you when you full grown. (my puppy)

For those i didnt list off, I also wish you a happy new year and to the people i knew and encountered this year. how ever small made each day a little more bearable.

Its funny really. In one year i have been able to do so much. I lost 143 pounds, and pretty much my whole wardrobe. :/ Gained a few good friends, and lost a few. lost my bio family, (good) and gained a new family which im very proud to call my own. A stable job, i dont smoke, when i have several others around me. smile without fear. stand on my own with others fighting me. My art growing in to something i want to do. expanding my knowlge on life. And on of the hardest things that im still working with. . . Talking. Just being able to open up to someone and let my heart be broken again. with my new family im still having to work on that. My heart was shattered, and after so long you get used to that and that become your reality. no longer and its taking time.

So i wish you all a Happy new years, and my resolution this year will to be happy. Thats it. just to be happy. Nothing fancy, nor extravagant. Wish me a 365 day struggle for that.

Much love to all of you. <3

P.S.

I also apologize for my rant. i just needed to vent bc i just felt it was needed. so no need to worry. And no im not bi polar, or depressed. Just throwing that out there. just got alot on my plate sometimes.

im about to give up entirely! nothing is going my way. i dont care if i get a bf, friends, or even a god damn life anymore. ll i see are the same rooms, and same bull shit every day. work lay out, then home. then walmart, then home. gas station, and thrift stores. nothing more beyond that. i want to escape this bull shit! drawing doesnt help, reading, movies, nothing! im desperately on this god damn computer trying to find a reason to stay on and find something. trying to find an outlet but i got none! i can go to fwa, im loosing friends, and the people who DO want to hang out im to embarrassed to even try bc of where i live no car nd i have no time. im trapped. like a animal in a bear trap and im seriously tempted to chew my god damn leg off to escape. again i say ths my life is going no where and its eating t e every day. i want to grow but im stunted. i dont want to be 40 yers old nd strt ver from there!! damn it... i dont... fuck... but thts how my life is looking. i dont wnt to waste my life... for nothing. if i have to loose limb ill gladly do it if i dont loose what i want to achieve. i want to cry so badly... i miss everyone. mont, karma, ryu, shane, grant, beka, regggie, dan, robert, james, shawna, shannon, trey, sebastin, the people i let close to me. i miss the most. ll but three i talk to. the others i had let go. i will miss them all... i truly will. i never wanted to live this way. the hell i suffered in my life, but... but...

ok... i wanna vent. i cant fucking win. with work, i get walked ll over like a piee of trash! i work my fucking ass off and all i get is a cold shoulder by people who think that are better than me, and yet i out work, hang, and more determined to get the job done! yet when i needed to go on my break i get brushed off by 3 people! i even asked them if i could go before them bc i needed to one use the can, and throw up. i dont want people seeing me do that. (no im not balemic, i just cant hold down food that much anymore.) and yet people say the get sick or dont feel good the slack off. im about to pass the fuck out and im forcingmyself to pick up their slack, work even harder, and push myself to the breaking point.

all i got to say is that if these assholes dont start treating with some more respect i will not be the "perfect worker" they want. i can only take so much. and with the house i wont be able to go to FWA AGAIN!!!!!! How can i win when i cant even hold a promuse to some of my few friends left in my life. my phone cuts off people so i cant talk to them, finances are getting cut due to winter, and i have to break my word yet again. You know what i will never hold anyones word ever again, untill i see proof of it. i was promised to go panama, art school, promotion, pay raise, or even a better relationship. (on any front) and yet i have seen noneof that.

so i will say thia i wont make any more promises, or say anything to my name or anyones. sporry to be so mean but ive been let down, and ive let down people to many times. so i wont do it no longer.