I wanted to try and be more active with my journals but of course other things came up. Shortly after my last one my mother was admitted to the hospital and then in February she passed away. Since then things have been really hectic as she didn't have a will and I've been dealing with the estate and everything with that now but I'm at a total loss. I lost my best friend and then less than a year later my mother...I am kind of an emotional wreck. My only remaining family is my brother and he's been suicidal ever since so that hasn't helped matters either. I guess I'm just kind of ranting at this point.

Thankfully my mom's life insurance covered for a probate lawyer which is working on the estate right now, but it's taking some time it seems and the house is fully paid off, but now there are debt collector's after some debt my mother apparently had that there is no way I could ever pay as it's in the thousands.



If anyone has any ideas what to do, I would greatly appreciate it, but I don't expect many people to read this to be honest.

So it has been almost a year since my last journal entry. Current job is utter crap and trying hard to find somewhere else to work or even get some grievances filled. Such things as the store manager and perishable foods manager making fun of my weight, store manager getting on my case when I had to go to the emergency room due to severe allergic reaction (due to being allergic to dogs and too many people bringing in what are clearly not service dogs and putting them in shopping carts right where children should be sitting). So yeah not good management staff...I've tried talking to HR and my Union Representative but not sure if anything is being done there. I'm hoping to find some work from home job as my mom's health has been deteriorating and she is currently my primary transportation to and from work (as I can't drive due to being blind in my left eye and public transit is far too confusing the last few times I've tried using it).

In other, much more depressing news, back on May 2023, a friend of mine for 15 years passed away at the age of 30 by their own hands. It took be by surprise when I heard the news and I've been a bit of a wreck. Due to the fact that they were my longest standing friend I still find myself crying every so often thinking of them. So yeah sorry about the depressing bit there, been trying to see a therapist myself so I have someone to talk to just because of the loss and some of their last words to me still plaque me and have me wondering things (nothing self-harm like though so no worries there). However my luck in finding a therapist that is covered under my insurance has come up empty thus far, and by that I mean every one I've tried is not currently seeing new clients, but I will not stop looking.

...I haven't the slightest clue what to commission. I desperately want to commission someone and upload that commissioned piece to my gallery to give it some new content after so many years...but I've just been clueless on what to commission.

So, I'm taking suggestions in the comments, if you have some ideas, feel free to shoot them to me, while keeping in mind that this is a piece I want to have of at minimum one of my characters (so I'm not just going to commission something for someone else). I don't expect much of anything here, to be honest, if nothing else hoping this will help revitalize my imagination or something so that I can think of something to commission.

Sadly I don't have much to update since my last journal, I've been working a lot, and I do mean a LOT since the last time I posted. This due to my working at my local grocery store which is, of course, essential business and thus isn't closing, just like gas stations, hospitals, and others I can't name off the top of my head right now. An upside to all this is that I'm getting plenty of hours, thus more money than I usually get, but the downside is I'm doing more that has become physically exhausting and I end up getting home with a swollen ankle (due to being overweight and on my feet 8 hours straight), and pain radiating in my back from bending over so much to pick things up, straighten shelves, and so on. I just really hope this whole thing (which I'm being vague but anyone should of course know) doesn't last past May because I am certain that if it does, unemployment will skyrocket, more businesses will close permanently (like sadly my local movie theater) and people will get desperate and start to loot, maybe even riot. I really hope it doesn't get to that point but that is one thing that scares me. I also believe that when I was really sick back in January, that was what is going around now. I mean it wouldn't be the first time some new strand was found out late, as just about every other strain went the same way in the past where it was over a month before they were on the news saying to beware of this new strand. The reason I think this is because January 8th I was feeling fine, and then the next day (literally my birthday) I was so miserable, had to call out from work, and when my mom got home later that day to take me to the doctor I found out I had Bronchitis and was borderline Pneumonia and was out for two and a half weeks with it, feeling miserable the whole time. For something to hit that hard and fast, to even skip the early stages basically, I am fairly certain it's what's going around now and news and others were just recently realizing what was going on.

Anyway, I digress, enough about all that, as I'm sure people are worried enough as it is.

Lastly, I've found more people interested in my writing so whenever I have free time I'm going to try and work on it some more, cause there are a few people messaging me for additional content. So hopefully that'll be something to look forward to if you also enjoy my story or even fanfiction.

So I realize it has been over a year since my last journal and thus update on things that have been happening, some ups, and of course some downs.

I took some online friend's advice (whom I can't recall anymore who it was sadly) and started to stream on Twitch around April of 2019. They initially suggested it because they noticed I enjoy gaming and tend to ramble to myself sometimes about things either in-game or other things. I honestly started doing so initially with apprehension, wondering if anyone would even watch me play a game basically, but then in September, I made it to affiliate which shocked me to the core that I literally began to cry while streaming, baffled that it happened at all. Since then I commissioned someone for some emotes that are currently in the review process, and waiting on some sub-badges.

In early October I got a job, as a cashier in a local grocery store. This was something repetitive enough that I could do without having to remember too much due to my memory issues as I mentioned in the past journal, however, I get this sinking feeling that they are trying to get more people trained for other things and I expressed no interest in it because I doubt I'll be able to remember much the more complicated it gets. It's bad enough that I have to keep constant notes just to remember what had happened and what I've said, so thankfully journals like this help in some way with keeping track of things (and why I need to write more).

Sadly however my tax refund was intercepted due to a student loan that was taken out fraudulently in my name. I called earlier today in an attempt to fix this issue, however, my search showed that the earliest I'd see the money (if remedied) would be four months from now. So the extra money I was hoping won't be coming any time soon, if at all. I don't have high hopes when it comes to things like this as I have been screwed over before.

Well, that's all that I can actually recall right now that is anything worth mentioning, but knowing me there is something I forgot, nothing I can do about that though as I forgot to write it down, so until next time.

As the title states, I seriously hate myself sometimes, well technically most times, and I shall explain.

As I've stated in previous journals (to anyone that actually reads them that is), I clearly have "issues" is probably the best way of putting it. I honestly don't know how else to put that so I'll just list off a bunch of things that I hate about myself.

Quick disclaimer: Do not, I repeat DO NOT, think you need to reply or comment to say things like "It's not that bad" or "Things will get better" or anything like that. Do not try to make me feel better, as trust me I already know these things but a part of me just seems to like repeating itself and I don't know why.

Anyway, on to the list:

- I suffered from a severe concussion back in 2012, one that caused me to be unconscious for at least a couple hours before I got any medical attention. This was during an overnight shift at a previous job to which made the whole situation worse by refusing to pay any medical bills from the accident. I had to sue for Worker's Compensation, which sadly took months and the lawyer I got ended up sending some understudy (or whatever) to the actual date to be in court, which caught me so off guard that I nearly lost the case entirely, and I was encouraged to just settle instead which didn't give me anything other than basically the bills by itself paid for. However, since this incident, my short-term memory is nearly non-existent which sadly wasn't found out until AFTER the whole case (which I can't pursue because of it) and makes concentration especially hard as well. With the memory, I have been found to often repeat myself in mid-conversation with no memory of having said something before. I learned that I was constantly repeating myself or doing something over and over because I forgot having done so previously. This showed that my short-term memory was damaged and following tests proved that to be true. While it's not nearly as bad as it could potentially be (if anyone has seen 50 First Dates), but it still makes it even more difficult for me to keep a job nowadays. This memory issue has caused me actual distress because I've been screamed at both online and offline for repeating myself when I can't help this. I even got banned from a Discord server because they assumed I was just causing drama when I clearly had no memory of what they were talking about but they wouldn't hear me out. I have to keep a small notebook with me to write down what I've said (which I don't always remember to write in) just to try and help me from repeating myself or completely forgetting a conversation.

- Back around 2003 or 2004 (I just remember being around 19 or 20), I had someone approach me online through e-mail that they liked my AOL profile. Anyway, that eventually led to a sort of online relationship, which to this day I'm not sure I should actually count. I sent them gifts, they sent me things as well, we talked on the phone a few times, but we never met in person, and yet it lasted two or three years. The end of it was sort of weird, I don't recall 100% what happened but it basically caused me to realize that I was not a straight cisgendered male as I had originally thought. The main reason the "relationship" never ended up in person was due to my disgust for any physical contact. This was something I was already aware of ever since I was a child where my mom would sort of tease me that whenever someone touched me I'd end up crying. It was only after the "relationship" ended that I began to look into why I was like that (and still am honestly). What I found was that as long as I saw myself as the physical male that I was born as, the very idea of anyone touching me, including myself, disgusted me to such an extent that I would literally get nauseated. The "ex" convinced me to try imagining myself female, and I realized I felt FAR more comfortable that way, the idea of having a female body made me actually imagine allowing someone to touch me if nothing else but out of curiosity. I began to do some research and from what I found it appeared that I had an extreme case of Gender Dysphoria that made one disgusted with their body to such an extreme. However, I have yet to actually do anything to try and alleviate this, let alone find out if my research is correct. I have since resigned to living a single life where I don't let a single person touch me, and I've succeeded in that for now 35 years of my life. It's not too hard for me either as I have never gotten sexually aroused, never been kissed (if not obvious), and probably more obviously a total virgin, but I'm not bothered by that at all.

- Perhaps due to the previous statement, I have since gained a lot of weight and currently weigh somewhere over 300lbs. I have recently tried to eat healthier, but the fact that I don't exercise and usually only eat one meal a day does NOT seem to be helping either. The main reason I don't exercise is two parts, lack of motivation and body pain. When I could afford to go to the gym I felt far more motivated in the gym environment and would usually work through the pain. Due to my weight, I've since suffered more and more pain to my back, hips, knees, and ankles. I feel I'm just in a downward spiral here however that I'm trying to dig myself out of but for some reason am only making things worse for myself. I know that also limiting myself to one meal a day isn't helping either as my body seems to feel like I'm starving it and thus my metabolism has slowed down drastically to conserve what food it gets. I just honestly can't think of what to eat most of the time, however, which doesn't help coupled with a food allergy to bulb vegetables (onions, garlic, shallot, etc.) as well as severe sensitivity to egg proteins. Due to my allergy, it has made purchasing any pre-packaged foods nearly impossible as most contain some form of onion or garlic. Instead, I find myself having to make most food from scratch which I feel takes far too long to do most times and is the reason why I typically end up with only one meal a day.

- I now haven't worked for nearly two years (April 1, 2017, was when I was fired from my last job) and I honestly don't feel like I can work again. Especially with the whole memory issue I've mentioned above, along with the pain I experience now due to being overweight, I am uncertain if I could find any job that would actually be at least a little bit understanding, as in my previous experience none of my past jobs actually cared about their employees. I've gotten several phone calls, which I learned were spam, advertising a whole work from home kind of thing, claiming to be with Amazon. I was skeptical and looked it up of course and learned that it was a massive scam which kind of sucks. Due to the fact that I have no other experience apart from retail and fast food, it's highly unlikely I'd qualify for any work from home job anyway. A huge hindrance to my actually getting a job as well is due to the fact that I have worked at most of the places in the immediate area that I live and can actually walk to. The lack of a driver's license or any form of public transit apart from calling a cab also doesn't help to get places. I'm not about to spend money on a cab to go place to place just to fill out a job application, only to risk not even hearing from them, as that could get very expensive. Job applications have also become worse, in my opinion, because I can't remember what pay I started and ended with, or when I started or ended working at most of my jobs. Sadly many applications I've come across as for this and I haven't a clue what to put down. Then there are 'references' to which I have none, where do people even get those? I have no friends, and anyone I previously worked with I don't have there contact information, how would I even get that unless I knew them more personally? I feel job applications are hugely flawed in this regard, especially since online involves some keyword searches to even have your application looked at. I feel I'm just screwed in this situation like I seriously doubt I'll ever find employment outside of minimum wage, which means I'll end up living with my mom until she passes and then I'll end up homeless because minimum wage can't buy any place to live.

So, October has been an eventful month for me just at the beginning. On Monday, October 1st I was informed that my last surviving grandparent, my mom's own mother, was in the ICU. I currently live in Maryland with my brother and mother, but I was born in New Hampshire where my grandma lived and one of my uncles lived with her to help take care of things around the house. I've been compared to that same uncle recently because like myself he dropped any social life to help around the house, but there are some differences that I just won't go into. If anyone read my previous journal you should be able to figure out why I don't bother going out or anything like that.

Anyway that night we packed as quickly as possible and rushed up in the new car my brother got with our mom's help and took the family dog with us on her longest trip ever. I didn't think to pack a computer as I wasn't sure how long we'd be up there, and due to the very last minute we weren't able to find a place to stay for the last couple of days we were up there. Staying at my grandma's wasn't an option for my brother because my uncle has four cats and my brother is VERY allergic to cats. We got up to New Hampshire about 6 or so in the morning, since over all it's anywhere from an 8 to 10 hour drive dependant on traffic and other variables. In our case there was a LOT of road work being done on our way up which sufficiently slowed travel but all the bright floodlights made sure no one fell asleep as we travelled.

When we got up there we tried to book a room and found most places were pretty booked up, but was able to get a four night stay at a local Motel 6 for Tuesday night until Saturday at 11 AM checkout. However my mom planned on staying their longer, until my brother said he had to be back to work on Wednesday, October 10th and wanted at least a day worth of rest before going back to work so the latest we could thus stay was Monday night. This upset my mom a little but we dealt with it and had to figure out where my brother could at least stay on the last two nights. There was nothing else available, apparently some convention was happening that weekend and everything close was all booked up so we ended up having no choice but to stay at my grandma's place those last two nights which made my brother miserable.

Anyway I skipped ahead there, mind has been kind of a blur because so much happened. As we were heading up other family was either driving or flying in as well, just about all the family on my mother's side apart from my oldest cousin and even I don't know why he never showed. We went to the hospital on Tuesday night only to see my grandma was sedated and thus unconscious and unable to respond to anyone but otherwise seemed to be doing well, which made my mom happy. However the next day we learned that when she was checked in they didn't immediately catch on that she suffered a heart attack and that there was some severe damage. Wednesday morning we heard she was really not doing well and rushed to the hospital as soon as possible only to find that the room was all dark and quiet. I immediately noticed nothing was plugged in anymore to which got my mom freaking out when I went to look for a nurse. The nurse then told us that she had passed about an half an hour before we got there. Following that we called my aunt and uncle to let them know, and my aunt replied "Oh yeah I know already, I thought you knew" I wanted to scream at her, my sadness had immediately turned to anger because she was one of the first people we called when we found out but she didn't think to have the same common courtesy to call us to let us know and instead have us find out in a traumatizing way to my mother. It hasn't even been two years since my mom lost her husband, my step-dad and now my mom is officially an orphan because her father died when I was really young. My anger towards my aunt only got fuel to the fire when she replied with things like "should of gotten there faster" as if we didn't try.

There's also another uncle of mine my mom's baby brother to which my aunt was totally ignoring because of what his wife did to my grandma. I mean I hate the woman as most of the family but it got to the point that when that same uncle drove past the house, he yelled and cursed at my mom like it was all her idea when it was clearly my aunt, so of course drama ensued over this and apparently my aunt loves to push people's buttons because I found myself pulling myself away from punching her in the jaw quite a few times to what she said to me, my brother, or my mother. She literally made my mom cry twice, even so far as blaming her for not being around sooner when we have been trying to deal with stuff from my step-dad's death as well. So once I figure out how to legally disown someone, my aunt is first on that list cause she clearly doesn't actually care.

To add to all of this, I watched my aunt's youngest daughter's kids for a little bit, not realizing they were sick so of course I got sick followed by my mom and brother so we're all currently miserable. Since I take so much after my mom with two allergies already I don't dare try getting a flu shot because my mom is allergic to them and knowing my luck I am too but I also have no health insurance to risk it anyway.

So, I'll try a more tl;dr version here: Rushed up to New Hampshire due to gradma's failing health, grandma passed away the following day we arrived, and aunt just caused a bunch of drama with the rest of the family while we were up there surrounding my grandma's death, almost as if trying to make it all about her.

So I figured since a lot of people think I'm just being overly pessimistic for no reason, that I needed to make a list of things that just constantly happen and as a natural progression has made me to just expect bad things, and the following is what I like to consider evidence to support me:

1) I finally got into a sort of motivation to begin writing again, after suffering a concussion and subsequent brain damage back in 2012. However, I have lost ALL of the previous material that I've written, the pile of composition books and notes. This was the stuff that I had been writing since I was about 10 years old, and a lot of it needed a re-write but at least I had a basis to go off of, now I don't. It all got destroyed because a part of the garage ceiling caved in from a hole in the roof we didn't see, and water leaked down, just onto the spot where I stored all my written work. So just my stuff was ruined, nothing else in the garage, doesn't seem to make much sense to me, but I'm starting to think the world is just out to get me. This I compare to other instances where I end up losing things, like my entire comic book and baseball card collection that were gifts from late family members, things that had some sentimental value that are gone and I can never get back.

2) A car that my brother and I got so that he could get to work and I could finally work on getting my license, just paid the last bit of it and then my brother gets into an accident. The car is considered a total and the insurance will only cover a little over $1000 because it's a 2010 and has over 150,000 miles to it. So instead we're now forced to get a new car that will add at LEAST $15,000 to our debt already, just when we were finally getting somewhere financially. This might seem like a first, but honestly anytime we finally get some money something major happens that causes us to go into further debt. Last time involved the roof of the house caving in, some time before that was when my mom's car stopped working, some time before that was our basement flooding. It feels that anytime we start to get ahead something happens to put us deeper in the financial hole.

3) None of the wall sockets in my bedroom work anymore, not sure what the problem is but I now have absolutely no power in my bedroom, and we have no central AC or heating, so this is DEFINITELY going to suck for me, more so on the hot days cause at least I have thermal blankets but I can no longer have my computer in my bedroom or even an alarm clock and it's pretty much always going to be dark because I have blackout curtains (unless I decide to open said curtains). However no other room in the house is like mine, nope, just mine, and we even got an electrician who couldn't figure out the problem and wanted us to pay him to rip into my bedroom walls to find out. Yeah, that wasn't going to happen, paying to tear down a wall when we'd also have to pay to get it replaced, what kind of world has this become? This just seems to lean more on the world just being out to get me more than anything, because why just my room? Why me?

4) Lately, it seems that any community I go to, forums, chatrooms, and the like, I've been getting lots of hostility for what I can only assume is unprovoked. One prime example was my saying that I resigned to living single for the rest of my life when someone asked if I was dating anyone. They took it as some personal affront to them and proceeded to scream and curse me out until I just left. In a different situation, I made a joke trying to be all "meta" (not sure if that's the right term or not) with something along the lines of "someone always has to point out the obvious, that's just how the internet is" and I got some laughs from it but then one person just screamed at me and said I need to "take your head out of your ass". It was weird because they hadn't even said anything prior to that comment I made, and it definitely wasn't in response to anything they said or did because I didn't even know they were there until they replied with that. Lastly, another instance (this time offline) was that while I was shopping with my mom, this person just came up and started yelling at me, when I hadn't even seen the person before. I can only assume they thought I was someone else but it caused me to get kicked out of the store and unable to continue to help my mom (who has pretty bad arthritis and thus has a hard time moving around and why I'm usually there to help her).


So that's the few things I can think of at the moment, I might edit this to add more later but due to my horrible short-term memory that's unlikely. However, I hope those that do read this can see and get an idea now why I seem so pessimistic. When this kind of stuff happens on a semi-regular basis, one can't help but just expect more bad stuff to happen, especially when something good happens. For example if I ever "won" anything, there would be some catch to it, for me there always is. Last time I won something I got robbed and shot in the back and the thing I won stollen from me atop a couple grand that I pulled out of the bank to pay rent.

Before anyone thinks the title is implying suicidal or self-harm then you would be wrong, do not worry on that end. No, instead I'm giving up on ever trying to be truly happy in this world, with modern science the way that it is, and the total lack of real magic. To explain, for those that don't already know, I identify as a trans-woman or someone born physically male but inwardly more on the feminine side and would prefer female pronouns and a female body to match. However, I realized that even after if I ever manage to get enough money to actually transition, I'll never be happy, cause I'm not one hundred percent, I'm still unable to become a mother biologically. Even if medical science advances to make it so that one can become a biological mom (which I assume would be due to altering some genetic code) I'll most likely be too old to have a child at that point as I'm already thirty-four now and as many already know women have an internal clock to when they can no longer have children. With that on my mind I'm wondering if I should even bother with trying to transition in the first place, as it is I haven't even begun hormones due to lack of money (as it's a REALLY expensive procedure) and lack of any health insurance (not that it would probably help anyway).

Now I've never actually dated, not really anyway. I mean I've had a few online relationships, but it never went farther than the online part of it because I told the other person I wasn't ready for anything physical due to being transgender. Thus I can honestly say I am a total virgin, that is in the sense that I've never even been kissed or touched by anyone else. In fact, I've never once let someone touch me offline, even for a simple pat on the back, including family, so a hug or handshake was even more out of the question. The reason for that was because even at a young age I was disgusted with my body, I only learned around the age of nineteen or twenty that part of it was because I was transgender, but I'm sure the other is just some severe body dysmorphia or something similar but more focused on the fact that I was born physically male. When I learned transgender was a thing, I imagined myself as a female and realized I would be far more comfortable around people if I was. It was then I started basically being myself online and was often perceived as female and of course went along with it cause it just felt right. I know I would never be comfortable with my body as it is, and thus would never get physically close with anyone until I was female. However, I'm not even sure if, after all the surgeries that are available to transgender people right now, I'll even be comfortable to be around anyone then. I say this because I'll still be male in the base genetic sense of the word and a part of my mind will most likely remind me of that, the fact that I'm not one hundred percent. It makes me wish more and more that some breakthrough would happen that could alter someone's genetic code and make it so trans-women could become biological mothers and trans-men biological fathers if they wanted to that is. I feel that would be the only thing to make me happy, or simply put where I have functioning female anatomy to become a mother, otherwise, I doubt I'll ever truly be happy.

In conclusion, unless some miracle or breakthrough happens, I'm not even going to try and date. Almost makes me wish that someone reading this had some magical power to just make me female, but sadly such magic doesn't exist as I've learned the hard way (through being scammed or falling for such scams).

I noticed it's been nearly three years since my last art-based submission (that being the Sybil headshot image) and I really need to fix that. I don't want my account to seem dead, but I've been unemployed for nearly a year now, and have just been growing more and more depressed each year as I'm nowhere near any life goals. My only work experience is either in retail or fast food, which notoriously are some of the lowest paying jobs out there and I really need to make more money if I ever hope to live on my own and get anywhere in life (primarily transitioning). For some odd reason, I've lost power to my bedroom in a fashion that none of the electrical outlets in my room work anymore, but my ceiling fan/light still works. So I've had to use an extension cord and power strip just to power my computer in my room. However, because of this power situation, my scanner/printer is currently out of commission. It also doesn't help that in the past few years I've had a couple people I considered friends pass away, and my step-dad also passed away, and my own health hasn't been getting any better either. I've also been working on finally getting my own driver's license but the thing stopping me right now is the lack of funds to take the actual final test and a vehicle to take the test with (as in the state of Maryland you either need to have one, or basically rent one through them in a sense).

So...basically just want those that actually watch me, and read these journals to know that I'm still around and if I had the money I'd commission someone and have new art up by now. Sadly I can't really draw myself (but what I have drawn can be seen on my other account, link in profile description) and lack really the proper materials to even get better (as I don't consider using a mouse on MS Paint to be a good option). The only other option I have is paper and drawing by hand in what pencils I can find (and maybe pen) but I feel that just wouldn't help especially since my scanner is out of commission right now.

So I've been thinking for quite some time on this matter and am curious as to other's opinions on this as well. When Episode VII: The Force Awakens came out, I initially went in not knowing it had no relation to the extended universe to which I grew up with. When I saw Ben Solo I began to get infuriated, I wondered what happened to Han and Leia's three kids, and where Mara Jade was, and Ben Skywalker. I thought, okay maybe that was a mistake on their part but then it kept going. I left the film quite upset obviously, but now with Episode VIII: The Last Jedi comes closer to release I came to an interesting revelation.

Considering Episode VII takes place several years after Episode VI, I began to think, the extended universe could still be canon rather than having Disney completely erase it from my childhood. I imagine Ben Solo as a fourth kid of Han and Leia and of course the extended universe taking place between episodes VI and VII. Disney could easily adopt this and not ruin so many people's childhood (like myself), however I have doubts they'd even consider this. I'm certain it would fix a lot of issues people have with the franchise as it is, by simply having the extended universe take place before Episode VII along with the events that led up to episode VII, it would totally work (at least in my mind). It would also be a way to open up possible movies or shows with the extended universe that I'm sure would make many happy. I, for one, want a movie around Mara Jade, but for now I can only dream.


So yeah, that's been going through my mind lately, what do you all think? Do you think this would work? Do you think it's a terrible idea? Let me know in the comments but please be friendly about it, if you don't agree with me that's fine but don't get all nasty about it either.

Sprint claims to be a great cell company, however they have been giving me the run-around for over a month now. Here's the situation: Last month (as any who read my journal already know) my step-dad passed away, December 11th to be exact. After getting a copy of his death certificate I immediately went to a Sprint store to cancel his line on my contract. I was told they would get it all handled and I'd have nothing to worry about. Here comes January 10th when I notice that for some reason his line is still on the bill showing active. I immediately go online and chat with an agent whom informs me that my trip to the store was apparently for naught as they hadn't received any death notification and I was thus asked to re-submit via letter that I received January 17th. I proceeded to scan the death certificate and e-mail it to the address supplied as I could not fax (since who really has a fax machine anymore?). Today I find out that apparently the e-mail was never received and was then asked to submit the claim again because in their eyes it was never processed or even validated or whatever they said. My bill is due January 31st, it's now the 27th, and they are expecting me to pay an entire $416.77. More than half of that is the third line to which should of been cancelled as me and my brother (the other two lines) upgraded to a cheaper contract from Samsung Galaxy S4's to S7's (just to give you an idea how long it had been since I upgraded). However now they are trying to basically charge me for two contracts on the same billing account, which is just plain wrong.


My mom took the phone out of my hand, that is while I was speaking with an agent over the phone, and proceeded to yell at them since this issue should of been solved weeks ago. All they offered me was a meager $49.99 credit to my bill which as I'm typing this went in, but that means they are still expecting me to pay the full $366.78. However I make minimum wage at a movie theater, that alone is more than my entire two week paycheck...and they still expect me to pay that? My mom even said that there is no way I'm paying that and they better not incur any late fees either until the bill is corrected to how it should of been weeks ago.

So all-in-all, take my advice from this horrible experience, and just avoid Sprint at any and all costs. If you currently have an account with Sprint, please try and switch away as soon as you possibly can. I'm sadly stuck with them for two years because I upgraded recently and I don't have the kind of money to pay for early termination...but as soon as those two years are up...I'm getting FAR, FAR away from Sprint.

Well I found out early this morning that my step-dad passed at around 7:30 AM. He had promised my mom to make it through Christmas for her, but so much for that now. I'm both sad and angry like a huge part of me just wants to punch him for all this pain. He stepped in as my dad when my father disappeared when I was almost four years old, while there were things that I couldn't stand about him, and especially some of his opinions on things (like he voted for Trump) he was still my dad and these last month or so when he was in the hospital, seeing him so weak due to his luekemia. He was doing so well he was actually home for about a week an a half, but then this past Friday he ended up back in the hospital and said his luekemia got upgraded from what it was before, but that it was still cure-able.

I'm just at a total loss now, my mom is such a wreck, that she even collapsed earlier and I can't help but worry about her now. I've heard of couples where one dies shortly after the other because of the pain of loosing them, while rare and probably unlikely it'll happen I am officially paranoid it will, especially when I had such a vivid dream that it did.

Currently I'm trying to keep my mind off of things by Playing Pokemon and listening to some music. Sadly I don't have any friends offline to really talk with, but then again I was never the talkative type, and even my mom said I was never much of a cuddler as a child, disliking people touching me, which people would try to do to consol me.

Trying to type with teary eyes is definitely interesting and makes it hard to catch any typos or grammatical errors, so please excuse me for those.


Part of me wishes I had money to commission a nice art piece in his honor, at least for my mom.

Okay, yeah I know the subject title seems a little attention grabby, while not the intent, I just literally can't think of how else to title this.

I had finally taken the time to go through my list of people I was watching, in an attempt to remove the accounts to which some users moved. I didn't finish though as I found out, obviously WAY too late that at least two other people I was watching had passed away. I barely knew them yes, but I couldn't help but cry because I felt bad for not knowing this a LOT sooner. I suppose crying was bound to happen as recently I lost my job and am back to working minimum wage where I am literally reliant on family to help me pay my bills cause I just can't afford it myself right now. Also, about a week ago now, my step-dad (who some may know I didn't really get along with) ended up going to the hospital. I thought he was exaggerating since he is a hypochondriac with the ability to easily fake having bi-polar for so many years until it was found out that he doesn't. Anyway, turns out he wasn't faking this time as he had a massive stroke, and needed immediate surgery. I know I could barely stand the guy sometimes but now I can't help but feel lost.

I haven't been making it easy on myself either, stupidly listening to sad songs on loops (such as Wiz Khalifa - See You Again ft. Charlie Puth). I've tried to get my mind of it, and bury myself in games or movies, but then I watch some movie that has one little sad moment and I end up balling in the theater and feel so utterly stupid for doing so.

So yeah, I'm just rambling now, and anyone who looks at my most recent favorites will realize the other kind of otherwise self-harm I've been putting myself through (not literally but looking at sad art, faving said art, and basically making myself cry more when I should just avoid it).

Meh...

Well if anybody has even read this far, and plays Star Wars: The Old Republic, Star Trek Online, or even still plays Final Fantasy XI, feel free to note me if you'd enjoy playing together on any of them. With my work schedule for this minimum wage job I'm working now, I seem to be fairly free most of the time.


Now I can't think of anything else, may or may not edit this entry later to add stuff, but more likely won't have anything for months like I seem to keep doing.

Okay I know this journal is way overdue since my last one was back in May 2015 and it's now late January. So I guess I'll do a sort of bullet point list of things that happened, quick-ish and to-the-point.

- After the last journal between May and August (can't remember when) I had a severely bad allergic reaction that caused me to go to the Emergency Room and had to be monitored (which happened a second time sometime in November I think?). Anyway after that happened the new manager at Target (who shall remain anonymous) gave me a whole lot of shit because I had to leave as the allergic reaction happened at work and she had one less employee to work plus I was out the next day due to the whole being monitored part holding me for a bit (which I found odd as that had never happened before, perhaps some new policy?). This same manager even wrote me up for having to go to the ER and said what I did was "incredibly inconvenient" for her. So right after that (literally after my shift) I began a search for a new job and finally heard back from one in early August. As soon as I had the interview scheduled I put in my two weeks notice at Target and worked until the interview. I realize in retrospect was a bad idea to do as I should have waited until after the interview to determine if I even got the job, lucky for me I got the job though and have been working there ever since. The new job is a local casino but it's a graveyard shift where I'm working typically 8:45 PM - 5:15 AM Eastern. This new schedule has involved a lot of getting used to and even still I find myself lacking sleep as if I'll never get used to working it. The tips and overtime I get (because I'm never out by 5:15 AM due to slow shift swapping of sorts) make my paycheck the highest I have ever had in ALL my working history. I have actually been able to finally save up some money since I got the new job which I plan to use to move out finally when I can save up enough.

- On an upside I finally got Verizon FiOS which I wanted to get for over a year now and the bill is now in my brother's name (due to my credit having a lock on it at my request from the whole college loan situation mentioned in a previous journal). However we will be splitting the bill between us, to have one less bill for our mother since our step-dad isn't helping around the house. Plus the same step-dad kept complaining about the lack of channels coming in when everything switched to digital and without cable/satellite of some sort I ended up no longer watching any television. However during the physical install of the FiOS I didn't get ANY sleep because of all the drilling and banging involved in the installation, which made work quite interesting that night.

- Due to the recent holiday season and most likely lack of sleep and horrible work shift (where I barely caught any online friends to talk to) I found myself falling into a deep depression. This depression is sort of unavoidable as I am still living with my parents, people whom do NOT support any form of LGBT and find all of it utterly disgusting so I'm hugely in the closet with them about being a Trans-Woman. I'm also single, by choice, because of being pre-transition and not comfortable with any physical interaction while still very much physically male. So yes on top of that I'm also still a virgin which I do not deny, but being Trans I find myself to almost an extreme degree so very disgusted with my own body that I get nauseated simply showering or going to the bathroom so you can imagine how hard it would be for me to be with anyone physically. I have yet to get my license, mostly due to my being blind in my left eye and previously lack of a vehicle. It got worse when I turned 32 on January 9th to which I began having suicidal thoughts. However as previously when I have gotten that depressed I worried how much of a mess and how costly that would be to those around me and then the fact that none of my online friends would know I was gone. The depression has gotten even worse as of January 18th when I learned of a friend's passing back on the 13th, This was a person I considered a dear and close friend  damnevildog, someone I thought I could consider almost a brother however I doubt they saw me as such since I was barely around in the last few months. I have been beating myself up ever since because it took me five days later to finally get time to look through my FurAffinity messages only to find out about it then. I regret a lot because of it, as I told him that I would buy him a game countless times as a gift for being so kind to me. I remember him saying I didn't have to, but I wanted to, but I never had the money then. I even wanted to commission him again, and even MORE wanted to actually play a video game with him. Once I learned of it I just burst into tears and it was only a mere hour before I had to go to work that night. So I went to work in tears, and an utter wreck but because he was not actually family plus the 18th was a holiday and thus a "black-out" day it would of been considered an unexcused absence had I called out or left early. They basically forced me to work crying due to the casino's horrible policy involving attendance. I have been such a wreck however that I have quite literally made myself sick and had to call out today thus having additional time to actually post an update finally. However part of me feels I have no right to actually mourn him since there were a lot of people that were a LOT closer to him.



Quite obviously I need to get to a therapist as each year is just going to make things worse, and quite obviously I'm not getting any younger. I also want to look into corrective eye surgery (such as Lasek) to hopefully fix at least my left eye where I can be permitted to drive without the excessive need and cost for additional mirrors installed into vehicle to help compensate for said eye. I need to get around to getting a consultation to find out if it can be corrected (which I only hope can).


Okay sorry for the extremely long, almost rant-like journal to which I doubt there are more than four people that even care what I typed about. Although that's also the depression talking, as I feel I'm not worth anyone caring for (more personal Trans-issues just F.Y.I.)

Gold’s Gym broke my windshield wiper blade. Apparently they had someone going through the parking lot of where I work putting flyers on people’s windshields and one of them broke the blade. I have to wait until tomorrow (since their office closed at 5:30 PM and it's now 10:54 PM) to call their customer care and they better pay for this. Picture for evidence: https://www.dropbox.com/s/hoz6hiqva.....38.25.jpg?dl=0

This has me so mad right now I don't even know what to do. I think I have to play some very violent game to help cool off as that usually helps me cause I can picture them as real people without it actually BEING real people, and thus prevents me from becoming a serial killer. ^^;

Okay I realized it was time to update my journal here since the last entry was eight months ago. So first off I want to mention that I decided to start a "GoFundMe" in hopes to get some help with my transition but I haven't connected it to any Facebook since I don't want family learning of it since they are incredibly close-minded. If you're remotely curious you can see the campaign here: http://gofund.me/pdtpw8

In other news I recently got a pay raise at work, which is nice and hopefully will make it easier for me to save money towards transition and paying off debt. I also found out that most of my debt is due to someone having taken a student loan out in my name. This upsets me cause I assume they got my information when I was looking at potential colleges to attend and now I'm being bothered by debt collectors in regards to it. I am working on fighting it all though so I guess wish me luck?

Lastly, well at least the only other thing I can think to say right now, I've been having issues getting into my deviantART account. I e-mailed the help desk the issue but simply put I log in fine but as soon as I try and check messages or try and submit something I'm immediately logged out. I tried a different browser, two additional different devices, and clearing all cookies and saved data thinking that might help in some way but sadly it has not. So it's quite obvious that it's on their end and not mine since the same thing wouldn't keep happening otherwise.

Ugh I have so screwed up my life, I wish I could take back so many things I did because I've just metaphorically dug myself into such a deep hole that I'm never going to get anywhere in my life unless by some miracle I win enough money that would solve just about all my problems. As it is I'm thirty years old, transsexual (that hasn't been able to start hormones), living with my parents, with no driver's license, and working in a retail store for a mere $8.50 an hour with no health insurance and plenty of bills and debt. . I should have never gone together with my brother for the last vehicle we had as we spent thousands of dollars only to end up getting $250 from someone who is just going to use it for scraps. I should have never even applied for a job in any fast food establishment, as trying to save money by eating there is not worth all the health issues I've had since then and how often I've gotten sick which I believe is due to my being overweight. I should have kept pursuing, or even tried speaking to a different recruiter back when I was fresh out of high school to go into the Air Force as that would of been the best option for my life, I'd of been able to go through and they would of paid for my college rather than what I'm doing now.

So, because of all this debt I'm never going to be able to save enough money to move out so that I can finally transition and actually be happy with my life. Also, due to my lack of additional work experience (apart from food preparation and cashiering pretty much) I've screwed myself over in ever advancing anywhere anytime soon. A small part of me was tempted to ask and plead for money but that just doesn't feel right to me, I screwed my own life because of stupidity and I'm going to have to live with it. It just saddens me that people far less deserving of it have better lives just handed to them...and people wonder why I'm agnostic...

Okay, so there are a few things I'm looking for, none of which are the least bit important at all but regretfully I have had no luck in finding anything myself. I shall list below what it is I'm searching for in individual numbered bulletins.

1) An artist that is willing to do a gender shifting comic/sequence commission and are currently open to commissions or are soon to be open for commissions. My own search has lead to artists who found my ideas either a little too complicated or too time-consuming; in the case of two artists they no longer are taking commissions at all (which is sad); or those that seem to be up to doing what I have in mind (at least going by what they've drawn before) are closed for commissions and seem to be every-time I look and thus might take forever for me to get a commission from.

2) Information and what I would need to get self-published and whether it is actually worth it compared to searching for a publisher. I've heard it's cheaper, but harder so I'm not sure if I should go that route or actually just look for a publisher. However in trying to search for a publisher I've also had no luck, so any information on this matter either way would be helpful. This is in regards to my story series that I've been working on the past twenty or so years and want to try and get published.

3) The best site to sell various things but mostly toys I got from McDonalds and Burger King over the years and just how much the ones I have are going for. I used to work at both for two years and eight years (non-consecutively) respectively and thus amassed many toys and even some collector's cups and have been wanting to sell them with no such luck.

4) A sturdy shelf that could go from floor and potentially to the ceiling and thus bolted to the wall due to a massive DVD and Blu-Ray collection. The one I have isn't as good sadly and doesn't fit any of the DVD box sets (from various anime collections) on the shelves due to no additional space between shelves so I've been looking for something a little better.

5) Lastly, a decent place to buy a car. I've been looking at the following site but I'm not too sure on how reliable it is so any insight would be great: http://www.cars.com/

So, an update of sorts, I basically have a job, I just have to wait for them to get the drug test results and then they'll eventually schedule an orientation. Since I don't do any drugs (with the exception being allergy medicine and Excedrin for the migraines I get once in a while, but those are both very legal obviously). The job in question will be another retail position where I'll be cross-trained as a cashier and work in the food shop they have there as well. It'll be the same exact place my brother works at, so if I get the Blazer he and I bought together years ago back up and running he could take me to work (since he has his license and I do not). I just hope that until then our schedules don't differ too much cause then it'll be a lot harder to get too and from work as currently rely on our mother for transportation. I'm tempted to use the fraction of the settlement I have left to put on a down payment to a new vehicle which in saying that surprised my step-dad and he's actually changed his mind to allow me to be behind the wheel of one of the two vehicles in his name provided my mom was the one with me the entire time. I doubt that'll work though cause my mom knows she's not a very good teacher, as she tried to teach my brother with the Blazer when it was working and she tended to freak him out a little bit making him nervous which is never could when behind the wheel.
Anyway, apart from that I actually have a couple companies interested in publishing my story. The only thing is that I have to actually finish the first book, so sadly I might end up deleting the story submissions so it's not shared for free as I feel that would end up hurting my possibility to publish. Currently I'm getting what I've written reviewed by another source to see if there's anything I need to fix before continuing to work on it. My biggest concern is loosing readers with the number of characters in the first book so I'm needing a second opinion, and thus it's being reviewed. Once that happens I'll work on it more and actively try to get it published. Since my story seems pretty good from reviews I've gotten from readers with what I have submitted, I feel pretty confident on whether it'll sell as a book.
My final thought for this journal entry is something that came to me recently while trying to get my permit renewed. I was trying to get it renewed cause the Learner's Permit i have literally just expired at the end of last month and I was informed I needed a valid ID to take a drug test. So my mom took a day off of work and took me to the Motor Vehicle Administration (MVA) which I'm sure every other state calls "DMV" but Maryland just has to be odd-balls. I of course failed the test because in order to get a learner's permit renewed you have to re-take the test, which even my mom thought was utterly retarded since I passed it once before. However when I attempted the computers are touch screen, and I was informed to sit at one computer that popped up someone else's information entirely while my information popped on another screen. Then when trying to take the test the screen was mostly unresponsive and I never saw two of the four questions I answered incorrectly so it was no doubt a computer error on their part. I was going to see a supervisor however someone before me decided to do that and had to wait over an hour before the supervisor was available just to see if they'd allow them to re-test right that same day cause of the computer. I wasn't willing to wait and in trying to get the drug test over with I decided to try and get a state ID. Now this is where everything went to shit. I paid for the state ID and was given an interim slip to prove my identification until the ID came in the mail. It seems that ALL IDs whether renewals or initial issues are sent in the mail and you have to wait for them to come. So since I would of ended up with an interim slip even if I passed the test I decided to check and see if I could still get the drug test with the interim ID. However the manager/supervisor who interviewed me was not there. I had my interview on Monday to where I had discussed with her that my ID recently expired so she didn't give me the drug test form because they could ONLY due a 24 hour extension on the drug test form so she wanted to help me out, but even she thought I needed a up-to-date ID so that's why on Tuesday I went to the MVA. So I go all the way to the place of potential employment to find that I have to check back the next day (Wednesday) when she comes in and see. So since I had to wait until then my mom ended up taking off Wednesday as well and decided to take me to the MVA to take the re-test while we waited for the manager/supervisor to get into work and the potential employment (to which I'm not going to say the name for a reason). Anyway I go to take the test, and get a perfect score, the first time I've ever done that and was quite proud of myself. I then go to get my learner's permit issued only to find out that the idiot that issued my state ID that I've obviously yet to get in the mail cancelled out my learner's permit entirely and before I can even try and get one I have to bring the state ID in and get it shredded. I asked why I couldn't keep it and have two forms of photo ID, they simply said it wasn't allowed. So I, of course, asked for a refund for the state ID, and they can't do it. Nor issue me anything until I come back with the state ID. I was FURIOUS...screamed at the person because I was NOT informed that if I got a state ID that I'd have to turn it back in so it was not advised or I'd be wasting money. The MVA is a total fucking scam that likes taking people's money and wasting people's time.
To continue, I called my mom since she had merely dropped me off and waited outside the building for her to come get me. While I waited a lady sat down next to me as she couldn't wait inside for her ticket to be called and I overheard her complain to someone else that the wait was ridiculous. I politely added that I believed they loved wasting people's time, and she agreed. I explained my whole situation with the ID and then a thought passed into my mind which I also shared and goes as follows: This country makes it far easier for immigrants to get IDs while the legal born citizens have to jump through all these hoops just to get an ID. It has become state regulatory for a government issued ID in order to do pretty much anything in this state and they're trying to make that the same through the entire country. However unemployment and homeless rates just keep going up and aren't decreasing from what I have seen. With this particular way the MVA runs now, homeless people will sadly remain homeless. Since all IDs are mailed to you now, cost money to get, and IDs are required for employment in most cases and soon to be required for everything from what I've heard. That means that homeless people will end up staying homeless, they won't be able to get a job without an ID, because they can't get the ID with no mailing address or income.
After saying all that I saw the light-bulb pop in her head from the realization and the whole "Oh shit" expression on her face. I even shared that thought with a couple friends and they agreed, so yeah...this is NOT a good turn at all. I figured that was worth sharing just to see anyone else's opinion and see if any other's minds were blown.

So...yeah....

Before anyone asks...no this is NOT an April Fool's joke...I wish it were.

The last few days have not been good, my step-dad is threatening to kick me out if I don't find a job soon. However it is not that easy and in a way he is ultimately to blame but I can of course blame him, but let me explain. When I was growing up most of my childhood and teenage years he was out of work, and I do mean most of it. So he was more a hindrance than a help, never doing anything around the house and instead eating lots and drinking a lot. He's had his recent job for nearly two years, the longest I've ever seen him working, so it's a surprise but he even threatens to quit on a daily basis cause he "can't stand working there". His mother's dying wish was for HIM to finish college but instead he dropped it and wasted the entirety of the grants he got. He promised several times that he would help me and my brother get driver's licenses, to teach us how to drive. My brother had one of his friends help him get his license, and sadly I still do not have mine. Me and my brother had even pooled our money together to buy a used vehicle, before my brother had an accident in said-vehicle so I've been trying to work on it to fix it, to get some driving experience, but that is not easy when I've never done such work before, so I'm having to read a book and look online on how to do things.

If he hadn't been out of work so much when I was younger and ending up having surgeries done as well which made it harder for my mom, then me and my brother would of been able to go to college right out of high school or had a vehicle much sooner. He claims I'm only sucking up resources right now, however he refuses, even while working, to help my mom with any of the bills. He began to scream at me because my mom asked him for money to help pay the mortgage. He should be helping her anyway, he's her husband and yet instead he bought himself a motorcycle and has begun drinking a lot lately and stopped seeing his therapist. He even blames me for the fact that he wants to divorce my mom. However I know he never will, because then he couldn't free-load himself and would actually have to pay bills of his own. On the contrary though, the vehicle my mom uses to drive to work, and the house, is in HIS name. So he could kick us all out at a moments notice and make us all homeless and sadly it seems there is nothing we can do,

I notice I don't do journals all that often, mainly cause I don't have too much to say really. In my last journal I mentioned that I might be going to college, and well, to continue from that, I am. I have just passed my first course at Colorado Technical University Online (since online is my best best, and CTU was the cheapest option I could find that still got me what I was going for). I am aiming for a Bachelors in Science of Information Technology, that way I can potentially have my dream job as a computer programmer or even a game developer (which would be cool).

However I'm still unemployed, still without a vehicle and license, and in the state of Maryland getting a license is not easy for someone in a position as myself. According to what I've read being the age of 30, I need to log at least 14 hours behind the wheel of a vehicle (3 of which at night) with a qualified supervising driver. My issue is that this is done on one's own time, and two of the three vehicles are under my step-dad's name to which he does not want me behind the wheel of in the least bit. The third is a Chevy Blazer that me and my brother bought together a few years ago when he was still learning as well. He managed to get his license and then proceeded to wreck the Blazer before I could get any time behind the wheel.

I've had several places contact me for employment but after learning I'd need to take some form of public transportation to get to and from work they told me that it was required that I have a license and vehicle to get to work. So apparently they think all public transportation isn't reliable, and I can't really say as I haven't used anything apart from a cab (which can be quite expensive).

In other news, I have been trying to get the motivation to at least finish the first book in my novel series and finally get published. The only thing that is really hindering me is that what I originally wrote was written in pencil, twenty years ago and some of it has become illegible, and involves re-writing which isn't really an issue it's just extremely time consuming and between college now, and trying to find a job, and doing exhaustive housework by my step-dad's instructions I haven't been able to get much time to do so. I wish I could find someone who would be willing to go through what I have typed up and do some proof-reading for me, maybe even some tips. The last chapter I wrote has a lot of characters exchanging dialogue which I feel might be a horrible chapter in itself cause it's not much action and simply a LOT of talking between a LOT of characters.

I also got my Sony Playstation 3 back from getting it repaired. It cost me $150 to repair and was one of the original 60 GB glossy finished, backwards compatible, first release consoles. However instead of fixing the one I had and sending it back, since it was the whole green-yellow-red light issue where the console doesn't even turn on anymore, they sent me a completely new one of the same type that I had, still in it's plastic as well. I was quite surprised to see that and for the last couple of days I have been re-downloading and installing everything I purchased over the years that I had the console (which was a LOT). The only downside is all my game files are gone, as I didn't back any of them up to an external hard-drive but will be doing so from now on in case such an issue decides to repeat itself.

I also decided to crop a couple commissions I got and updated my avatar/icons on both of my accounts here on FurAffinity, hopefully the artists are okay with it since I just cropped the head for something new-ish anyway.

Well I more recently became aware that I actually might qualify for a grant, however reality shows that I'd still need to get a student loan which is what always stopped me from going before because my only work experience is usually around the minimum wage range as the most I've ever been paid was as a Dock Worker for $11.11 an hour and that sadly didn't last long before that warehouse was closed. Even with my experience as an assistant manager, I realize I never got completely certified or took any real training so I can't really consider myself with any real manager experience. Even then the pay was under $10 an hour, and was an hourly position since salary usually required some driver's license in the two places that I was 'management' for the case of if I needed to go to another store within the company, which was either fast food or retail being my only true experience.

My dream job is to go into something with software development or computer programming, so I'm looking to go to college for that and have even gotten as far as talking to colleges and seeing what they are like. I'd only be able to online however due to the inability to travel which is perhaps my main hindrance in finding employment since I've been unemployed for over a year now and living in a mostly residential area makes it hard to walk to work since I'd be walking quite far to get anywhere that would potentially hire me. However I am not getting my hopes up either, if I don't get accepted for FAFSA then there's no chance I'll even be able to go, and I can only hope to get a grant so I won't have to pay back the full loan as that would just put me further in debt.

Okay I bring this up because this past week I have been approached by two users (on deviantART), colissimo and Raiface who asked to use a piece I commissioned from another artist to be used in a show called "Perception" on TNT.

Now part of me questions the legitimacy of these two people, as they could be just trying to get art. Another part of me thinks that they'll use it even without my consent (I said no since I paid for the piece and I didn't draw it myself, but still own rights to the piece since I did pay for it). If they do use it...would I be allowed to sue them? Would I be able to demand money to even use the art in their show if they are legitimate?

I ask here cause I'm not entirely certain and I could use other people's opinions on this topic. I also posted this in the deviantART forums since it's mostly to do with that site, but I figured I'd ask here as well just in case others wanted to give their opinions on this to which I could use.


Edit: I should add that the piece in question is a character of my own creation and part of my story that I have yet to get around to getting hopefully published.

I specified the date because in some part of the world I would not doubt if it's already the 9th but I honestly don't know all the different time zones so I'm not sure how far ahead the farthest east is.

Anyway, I'm depressed because now I'll be 30, still unemployed with nothing to really show for in my life. I have nearly no artistic talent, I haven't had any motivation to work on my story in over a year now, I have no license, I'm still a virgin and have never even had my first kiss. The latter two things due entirely to the fact that I haven't been able to begin transitioning due to being stuck living with my parents whom are very close minded. My step-dad is bi-polar, homophobic, racist AND a hypocrite while my mother is a faithful 'by the bible' Christian who thinks I'm just 'going through a phase'.

So yeah, I first need to find a job so I can find a new place to live, hopefully with a roommate who is okay with the whole transsexual thing so that I can eventually transition. The problem with that is finding someone you can trust, some people can easily pretend to be okay with it but might really be SO against it that they'd murder me in my sleep or something.

All this makes me wish magic was real or simply wishes could come true, but I know that if that were to happen the bad people in the world would abuse it to their benefit which just ruins it for everyone else. *sighs* Only way I'll ever be truly happy in this world is if I were to come across a large amount of money to move, and transition with enough to live on if it came to that so that I could deal with having no job but still try to find one so I'm not bored.

Safe to say my only birthday wish is to find myself 100% genetically female, but I doubt that'll ever happen.