So much has happened in my life recently and now I'm at a total loss. With the problems with my family; not being able to hold a job; and a friend who seems to want nothing to do with me anymore for some reason, I literally don't know what to do...

Long story short I've been looking for someone to get into a relationship with for the past eight years, managing only one, that only lasted six months. Since she and I broke up I've been contemplating the idea of finding someone new, because I just don't see a future with her anymore... Now, I have met a couple of people in that time... but neither of them seem to be very high possibilities... one is nearly impossible to get in contact with, and the other I could really only ever see as a friend. But what I'm concerned with is the fact that, here I am, at twenty-two years old, I know full well that my life is at least half over (don't ask me how I know... I just do) and I've yet to find anything actually worth living for... I'm tempted to ask for help in the biggest area of my life that needs completed, but at the same time, I've got so many trust issues, and abandonment issues, that I just don't know if I should...

Out of fricken nowhere... I was good yesterday, today... well let's just say that between the constant coughing, hiccups, and 99.8 fever... I feel like shit. The fever is the most recent and I'm sure it hasn't spiked yet... Right now I'm waiting for my truck to warm up so I don't shiver my way to the drug store and end up getting pulled over because the cop thinks my truck's wheels are about to fall off... I get sinus infections regularly, but this it ain't. Hopefully I'll be better in the morning or at least in a couple of days...

Until further notice... it would be a very good idea to try to not piss me off... Right now I'm under an immense amount of stress, an can not, and will not tolerate any drama.

Over the Thanksgiving weekend I want to visit my grandmother in Missouri; the realization of her current condition hit everyone extremely hard. After hearing my uncle out I can understand, at least to some extent, why he said what he did before Thanksgiving, however that's beside the point and I won't go into that. As it stands right now, my grandmother's health has declined to the point that I will be going to her funeral before the end of the year... very likely before Christmas.
Stress factor number two is that I'm starting a new job this week, so I'll again be traveling a lot, and will likely not have much time at home. With everything going on with my grandmother I am extremely scared that I'm going to be half way across the country when she dies, and I won't get the chance to get my head back in the game before my next job, and seeing as I'll be working with industrial electricity... that could be a big problem.

So needless to say this year is going to be ending on a very sour note and it would be very wise for everyone who doesn't want to have me jump down their throats to just keep the hate and discontent to a minimum with me... at least for a while.

A little late, but it's still the 22nd so I think I'm okay. I hope everyone had a good thanksgiving!

I am ready to kill my uncle and everyone on his side of the family...

My grandmother had a stroke a couple weeks back, just before Halloween and has quickly been sliding down hill ever since. Well tonight I was informed that my uncle, a man I' sure even the devil would be ashamed of, has told my father that he was not to bring myself or my brother up to see her for thanksgiving... Not only that, but he has put a police watch on my grandmother's house, effectively ensuring that no one except him and whoever is with him can get in, which means that, knowing the worthless piece of shit that he is, he's probably already gone through that house with a fine-toothed comb and stolen everything that might be worth some money. Neither my Aunt, nor my Grandmother are very likely to live to see Christmas, so understandably I am far beyond completely and totally, undeniably FUCKING PISSED!!!

At least to my mind anyway...

Okay, here's the situation, I went to the doctor last Friday (the ninth) and got my meds straightened around and got put on an anti-depressant, so my temper isn't quite so hair trigger anymore; I feel a lot better, I just hope it lasts. Now, I managed to get some work done on the story the other day and managed to finish chapter eleven; I then came to a very startling realization that I knew exactly what I wanted to happen for chapter twelve and on. While I don't know exactly how many chapters I have left but what I'm looking at doing is finishing out the entire "Escape" story except for the very end bit, then going back to the "present day" timeline and revealing why everyone is gathered around the television in the preface, then doing some kind of transition back to the main storyline, and reverting back to the flashback style from the manuscript. <I still agree with  purplemonkey that the current third person memory style just doesn't work very well; it does for the "Escape" but definantly wouldn't for the rest of the story leading up to that, and then again in the story leading up to the preface scenes... then after that would kind of just be assinine.
What I find interesting about all of this ^ is the fact that up until I got put on the new meds... I was suffereing from a very heavy case of writer's block... and now things just seem to be rolling along.

Here in again I come to the point of not really knowing who gives a fuck that I'm even alive... and after the last few days... not really caring either.

However, who ever reads this may be interested to know that the first book is nearing completion and I'm getting ready to set it up so that I can get it published. Now, there's only two things that I really need both ultimately being centered around how to publish. Do I, a: publish in a book format, b: publish online as a digital download, saving millions of tree while helping to destroy part of history (i.e. the paper book), or c: set up a website and publish the story there, asking for donations as a means to further the story? I've seen this done in many, many places, and it's fairly appealing to me, since I already have my own personal website set up, and can fairly easily integrate the story into it. Of course the last option would require an immense amount or reader participation to get the word out about the story; I may be able to work out a reward system based on donations made, but that will take some thinking... and I prefer to have help with something like that.

I do have some ideas, and if anyone who's reading this, who has done anything like this, has some ideas they'd like to throw out there I'm all ears... but of course, input from anyone is always welcome.

After months of being constantly stressed to the point of wanting to kill myself, I finally found out why my relationship with my girl is on the rocks... September was the month from hell for me... In the last week of August I got a concussion that put me out for two weeks, no work = no pay... when I was allowed to come back things only got worse; over the next two weeks I had to down stack over ten pallets by hand (each piece weighing in at no less than 50lbs on several of those... you try down stacking 850lbs of canned goods and tell me I'm a wimp). After that I got a back haul from around Topeka, ks, that would have been okay except for two things: three months of not having to slide the tandem axles on the trailer to balance the load I'd gotten out of the habit and forgot to slide them back to the 40' mark before leaving so I got a 215$ fine for being 2800lbs overweight on my drives when I pulled into the next weight station... okay... that was my fault, but it still pissed my off that the lady absolutely had to give me a ticket as she was agreeing with me that it was only a minor problem that could be fixed and that I really didn't do anything wrong to begin with, "it was just a simple mistake". so... there's another week's pay down the tubes... the second thing that was wrong that night, (which I was able to sneak out of the weight station before the lady could write me up for this too) was that the electrical gremlins in my truck had decided to run amok and put a couple of lights out... even though the bulbs were good... So, I had to put it in the shop and my boss put me in a loner truck; I'll get to that in a second.
So after I get the truck back to the terminal, I ask my boss if he can take it, or have someone take it to the shop five miles down the road; "okay no problem". Three days later the truck is still sitting in the yard... untouched. I take the truck over to the shop, and am given a loaner... woof. . .
Inherently there was nothing wrong with this truck, it ran, everything worked, were good right? Nope. I'd gotten only about four hours of sleep the night before, not a big deal there I'd driven non stop to Omaha on less and I was only going to Hutchinson and Hays, the latter of the two being about two hundred and twenty miles from my home terminal in Goddard. I should have known something was up almost instantly when I seen the foot plate on the driver's side was jacked around in a way that, had it been raining, I'd never have gotten into the truck on the driver's side. When I opened the door I almost collapsed as the smell of cigarette smoke triggered a violent asthma attack; I called my boss and told him what was going on, he even came out and got in the truck, denied that he smelled anything and told me that the truck was okay the large coffee cup full of tobacco spit and cigarette butts sitting in the console should have suggested to him that I was telling the truth and that the cab had aired itself out a little by the time he got there... but that wasn't the issue that caused a problem later that evening.
As I was heading for Hutchinson, a 45minute drive from Wichita (give or take depending on the route and traffic) I started noticing that I was getting tired a little faster than normal, and that my nose was burning, like when you smell a perfume that's a little too strong, I thought it was just the dozen or more air fresheners the primary drive had in the cab and discounted it as that. I felt a little better while I waited for my truck to be unloaded at the first stop, though I was still dizzy and slightly light headed (I assumed from being tired only). As I got back out on the road I started noticing that the longer the heater was on (it was chilly and I was cold) the more tired I got, and the more my eyes and nose burned from this really fruity, sweet, metallic smell in the truck. I got to Hays so freakin tired that I nearly wasn't able to get out of the truck to go in and give the guy the paperwork and tell him that I was getting "salvage" from them to take back to Hutch. (In between the time I left Hutch and got to Hays I had had a cluster fuck with getting the truck fueled up, but that's not as relevant...)
After a little while inside the store I got some food, and was starting to feel more awake again, so I went back out into the truck, guess what, no strange smell, I got suspicious because the smell had dissipated in Hutch too... well, long story short they got me unloaded and reloaded and I was on my way back to Hutch to drop the trailer... I hadn't even got out of the parking lot when I started to smell that smell again... and by the time I was getting onto the highway I was again almost falling asleep... I figured that because I'd made it there I could make it back, it was by no means a long run and normally, even with the lack of sleep I would have been able to do it without a problem... but after waking up several times to the sound of the rumble strip, or a muscle spasm jarring me back to reality, I was beginning to think that I wasn't going to... I was right. After one more time of waking up with a start, and realizing that I wasn't in the lane I was in a minute a go, I started looking for a place to pull over... to no avail... the last thing I remember is that I'm driving under a bridge, whether it's the same bridge that I was near to or not I don't know... I think it was, but after reaching that bridge, the next thing I remember is hearing a loud crash and bouncing along rather violently in the ditch along side the road... How I got there I couldn't tell you, but I was there and I was stuck.
I tried to get out... nothing doing, Kansas dirt has a lot of clay in it, particularly up north, so when it gets wet... you're stuck. So I called for help on the computer in the cab; after two hours they finally got back with me and told me that help was on the way. Now, I can handle the fact that they were slow to respond, but only because I wasn't hurt... if I'd been hurt, I'd have a law suit going against them right now because the entire time I was waiting for the wrecker to come and pull me out of the ditch (thank God I kept this thing upright...) I couldn't close my eyes and get some sleep, mind you I've already calmed myself back down and realized that I was okay. So, after the wrecker gets there, and I'm pulled out, I get on my way, a little wiser for the wear, and a lot embarrassed, but otherwise okay, there's no major damage to the truck that will make it unsafe to drive, so there's no problem, right?
Wrong; I had gotten no more than ten miles when that peculiar smell (which had again dissipated while the truck was off) came back and I started getting tired again, unable to keep my eye open tired... So I rolled down the windows, and drove all the way back to Hutch without any problem at all... It was getting very cold by this time so I rolled the windows back up and hooked up to a new trailer to take it back to Goddard, only one problem now... safety is telling me to shut down because I'm out of hours... my clock says zero, I'm not allowed to move, at this point, having dealt with this company's incompetence for six months, do you think I give a fuck? Nope... I tell safety that I'm shutting down, sign out of my computer and drive back to Goddard. When I get there I turn in my keys and say never again.
I tell my boss about the smell, and naturally, he tells me that I don't know what I'm talking about; but that doesn't matter now, because I just took a lifetime's worth of stress off of my shoulders and I feel great, better than I have in months! Now all I had to do was make amends for ruining my relationship with my girl, the wreck helped me to see that it was the stress caused by my job that had made things too difficult for her to handle, and I realized that I was very wrong to blame her for the relationship going in the toilet. She didn't deserve that and I apologized and promised that I wouldn't ever do that again, because when that wreck happened I had just had an argument with her about something not relevant to this post, and the last thing I said to her was very hurtful... and I came to the realization that I could very easily have died that night if even the slightest of circumstances had been different and that I would have died with her thinking that I hated her...
That wreck put things in perspective for me, and I feel that for everyone I've talked to and complained to, I owe all of you my most sincere and heartfelt apologies... none of you deserved to be treated like shit by me, and I was the one that was to blame for things that were going down hill in my life; you are all really great friends, fans, and people, and I love you guys very much thank you all for sticking by my side thought this and I hope that I'll never be put in a position that I am ever that stressed again...

Okay, so first off I'd like to apologize for 1: all the delays in my story, and 2: all the complaining I've been doing... depression's a bitch, so I really can't help it too much. This year has been one long clusterfuck and I'm ready for it to be over...
Anyway, I have an update for you all, the story has been progressing slowly but steadily and I have an idea as to what I may have to do given that the "Escape From Mechatropolis" was so long to begin with; I'm going to be staying true to the original but due to the length of the aforementioned chapter, I'm going to center the first complete book around that and have the second center around the rest of the story to the point of Jessie leaving home to start basic training.
To  purplemonkey With the Preface being what it is, I'm having Jessie reflect on the events of the story, I haven't decided on a good stopping point as of yet, however what I may end up doing -- as it sounds like the better option -- is carry the story over by doing a continuum in the next book, and working it into a completely different style from the first (which is based on a "present day" event in the manuscript) and having it more closely follow the manuscript as you suggested, figuring a way to do this won't be difficult, but it will be a learning experience, and will very likely make things ever so slightly easier to follow. This first book was an experiment that I feel doesn't need to be continued, but for the purposes of continuity I'll finish it out as is, and make the changes to the next volume to let it better follow the manuscript. I will find a way to do that, and make it work in the overall story.
Warning the following contains a personal confession by the author
Now then, onto what I'd like you all to give me some insight on; I have always been and will always be an avid fan of the original Thomas the Tank Engine series of stories written by Reverend W. Awdry, and as a result I have gained several very valuable life lessons from those stories. Now being in my early twenties I have very recently discovered -- having gone back to reread the stories again -- that for people of my age bracket and older who are fans of the Reverend's work, these stories may seem a bit less than complete. I'm not saying that they aren't good, I wouldn't change the originals for anything; what I am saying is that for those of us who have spent quite a lot of time since we were at the age that these stories were intended to be read at, not only have many of us forgotten some of the very simple lessons they teach, they've also become too easy to understand, therefore (in more extreme cases) uninteresting *shivers at the thought*. So what I've been toying with is that idea of rewriting these stories -- keeping true to the originals, and not sullying their reputation like has been done to so many good stories -- and making a version geared more toward older generations, the folks that remember the originals, but are now old enough to handle slightly more information at a time.
The first story was written for Mr. Awdry's son while he was bed ridden many decades ago, so naturally the following stories were also geared towards a young audience; what I was thinking was possibly rewriting them in such a way as to gear them toward those very same people, many of whom have, no doubt, reached adulthood, say, making the stories slightly more in depth; filled with details regarding the Island of Sodor, the characters, the engines, suuch as history (which the Awdry family has been working on for decades) technical specs (such as what locomotives the wheeled characters are based off of) and even getting more personal with the Fat Controller a.k.a. Sir Topham Hatt and his family, which, according to the Reverend has been in control of the railway for at least three generations.
I've already put a fair amount of thought into this but as of yet have not attempted to try anything, simply for the fact that I don't know if it would be a good idea. A lot of research would have to go into this, but I feel that it would be worth it, if done correctly. I know that there would be a major uproar should this idea not go over too well, but that's why I'd planned to go straight the the creator's family for approval before doing anything... i.e. rewriting one of the stories as a test, sending it to them, then getting their thoughts on the matter. It'll likely be a while before it happens, but I thought I'd get some input on it anyway, just to see what you all -- particularly the rail fans -- thought.

Well, I'm going to keep this short; my computer is screwed up, my external hard drive is screwed up... I may have to start the story over from scratch if I can't save the data when I take them in to get them fixed. All I want from them is my music, pictures, and of course my written doccuments. It's likely a very simple fix for my computer, all that's wrong there (for a change) is the internet, I can't do anything unless I'm in private mode because the page simply won't load... am going to try and download firefox and see if that works... but I'm not sure it will.

My girlfriend told me last night that she was going to be eliminating all contact with everyone for a long time because she was tired of dealing with people and their shit... What bothers me is that I'm one of the people she's not talking to anymore; she told me that there was nothing wrong between us, and that she would keep in touch by sending me pictures and calling once in a while... but I'm scared that she may not, she may actually disappear from my life completely, at her own doing. I told her I wouldn't argue her decision, everyone needs their space, and sometimes people just can't stand the way people in general act, but I can't live like this. She's the only person in my life right now that is giving me a reason to stay alive, and something to look forward to, I can't immagine myself having any kind of future without her... I love her more than anyone else, and she's the only person outside of the internet that's ever legitimately gave a real shit about me and now I can't even get in contact with her... I don't know what to do anymore... I'm so lost without her.

Well, it seems I've got a little time to spare... A deer walked out in front of my rig this morning and I'll be in the shop getting it fixed at least until tomorrow... the only casualty being the deer, I can at least say that she went fast and didn't suffer. I feel absolutely terrible about it, but I did everything I could to avoid what happened, the last thing I wanted was to take the life of an innocent animal...

I have been able to get some work done on my story, I'm now a good portion of the way through chapter eight now, and with any luck will have it done soon. The story overall as I've said before will consist of the first ten chapters that I have posted here; after that I'll likely need quite a bit of time to think up the next part and write it out in a way that works well. No telling when that'll be though as I'm pretty sure that with the way the story is going now, I'll be working to get it finished for a few months, and maybe up to a year, if I don't lose my job in the mean time.

Speaking of which, I recently remembered reading something in the application that I filled out to get this job; according to company policy, after a certain number of days -- between 30 and 90 -- if I haven't been able to pair up with another driver for the required eight weeks after upgrading to a first seat driver, the company reserves the right to terminate my employment. Now, I'm not saying that it'll actually happen, but given the shit that's been going on in the way of my actually getting a second driver... well, let's just say that I won't be surprised if I don't have a job in a few weeks.

And now for some personal news. After more then three months of progressive down hill movement in our relationship, my girlfriend and I have decided to start over from the beginning. It had gotten to the point over the last few weeks that she and I were no longer having fun; everything seemed to get a little too serious a little too fast, and given our current situation, with her living with family that is extremely controlling and abusive, with no way out, and my not being able to visit her, for the same reason, we decided that there was no point in trying to make plans for the future right away. She and I, as of now, are in a casual relationship and are doing everything we can to make the relationship fun, while still being there for moral support. As of right now I feel that we are right where we need to be and I sincerely hope that the situation does not change for the worse.

First time in three weeks I've really had any time to do this, but I have been super busy the last three weeks... Go and go and go with very little down time, so I haven't been able to do a damn thing since I got to Dallas. I'm hoping to get a little to get some work done on the story today since I have litterally nothing to do...
Going to keep this short, so I can take care of some paper work real quick and get to the story while I wait for a friend to wake up again... So I apologize for having stalled on my story... if it gives you an idea as to how busy I am... even today I won't have enough time to clear out my inbox here...

Well this aught to make everyone happy, I may very well have a new job working for US/Express; nothing's set in stone yet, have to wait until Thursday to find out for sure... Talk about scared, I haven't been behind the wheel of a truck for almost a year, hopefully I don't funk my driving test, since pre-trip never was my strong suit... I'm not every vocal about what I do, even though I know what to do, and the numbers have long since vanished... plus the anticipation is a pain, but I'll manage that well enough.
What I'm really worried about is what will happen when my girlfriend can't talk to me every night because I or my second driver is either sleeping or I am way too busy to talk... This is going to really test our relationship, and I really hope that we can learn to adjust, because eventually, I plan to go solo and take her along with me. She means the world to me and I think that the only real reason I turned back to trucking was because I want to give her the life that her parents/grandparents never gave her, she deserves better than that and I want so badly to give it to her; this is the first step toward doing that... I just hope that it's not the last step.

Yeah... major writers block... fighting through it, but don't count on anything happening for a while, I've been on the first part of Chapter Seven for the last two weeks... without much progress...

I'm so sorry guys.

First off I feel I owe everyone reading my story, or that has read my story, an apology; I have been more or less out of it since before Christmas, with being down with a sinus infection, and multiple cases of tonsillitis, on top of only getting between five and seven hours of sleep daily because I'm being called on for everything from an errand boy to personal chauffeur... I haven't been working on the story more than about a paragraph at a time, it's all I can manage, when I even have enough energy to write. I'm reallly sorry for how far behind I'm falling in this project, but at the moment there just aren't enough hours in the day... I'm hoping that things will be back to somewhat normal by the end of the month, though, I'm not making any gaurentees.

Now then for that update:
I am still working on the "Escape From Mechatropolis" section of the story, but am more than half way finished. I'm anticipating at least eight chapters in total for this, but it's possible that it may work its way back up to ten, like the manuscript, but only time will tell; if that is the case, the entire first part of the story will likely be close to thirty chapters given that it was intended to be the rewrite of the first ten chaptrers of the manuscript.

I'm going to keep this short, since that's about all the news I have for now... so... yeah... not a whole lot going on at the moment worth saying... Sorry.

Okay, I simply can't take it... I need to see my girl again; being apart like this is beginning to get to both of us... So what I'm going to do is open five commission slots for Character Bios. If this goes as planned and they do not end up being more than I can handle, I will open another five slots after the first five are cleared; I need to come up with 2000$ within the year, and at 5$ a pop, these commissions are a royal steal for you.

I am willing to do special commissions, i.e. my other options, and multiple characters. In the case of the latter, there will be an addition charge of 2$ per character. The one thing you won't find on my website (given below) is the possibility for a more normal length story; I am willing to take only one of these type commissions, as they are extremely difficult; the price will depend on the complexity, between 100$ and 500$ should be expected. (to give you an example of what you would get check out my excerpt section for a sneak peak at my current story, (One Day) I'll Fly Away Part 1: Welcome to Enorha

I'm hoping to have these slots filled as soon as possible; writing is my specialty guys you'll get a lot for your money and I really look forward to getting the ball rolling. There's a "Contact Us" page on my sight as well, if you would like to reserve your slot comment here then send me an E-mail via that page, with the needed information; i.e. character description, any details you would like to include, and if you have an image you would like to add, send that as well, I'm sure I can work something out for that.
All commissions are in a first come, first serve basis; thank you.

(Will have payment info here soon so I'll let you know when to check back here)

You can find information on all of my regular commission options at www.http://ashcroftbooks.webs.com

Tell me, does it make sense that my brother has his life handed to him on a silver platter? Now I'm not talking natural success or some shit like that, I'm talking never had to earn a dime in his life and gets money doled out to him right and left, even though "we don't have any money"; I'm sorry for this guys but in all honesty I really do think that I'm getting the short end of the stick in my family and, because I have no choice what so ever, this is all I can do to keep from walking out on them, which believe me, is getting hard not to do.

First of all, my brother, who is turning nineteen in a few weeks, has never had to work for any reason, never learned to drive because he didn't want to, has a girlfriend in KC (four and a half hours away) that he gets to see when ever he wants because mom and dad are only too willing to drive him there... goes to conventions where the only things he pays for is his costume, and food, gets money handed to him that he doesn't have to pay back for the poke'mon and yu-gi-oh card tournaments he goes to (which he makes money off of), and lives with Grandpa under the premise that he was to take over my chores while I was at work for TransAm (which didn't last long enough for him to even move in by the way).

Now, here's my story; by nineteen I had already had two jobs (one under the table for twenty dollars a week that lasted maybe three months) and the one out at the Zoo, which I absolutely do not want to do again even though I liked the work. When I was fourteen I spent four months in Canada doing an internship at a kennel (that didn't go over well... as far as I'm concerned I was screwed on that deal... the term "being thrown to the wolves" comes into play here) and was given three options for life as an adult by my father "Go to college, go into the military, or get the fuck out of my house" (that's an exact quote by the way). I got my CDL right after I turned twenty-one, another life goal (so far the count is two; I worked at a zoo, and learned how to drive trucks) and have since had three jobs, none of which lasting longer than one month, the shortest being three days because I refused to break a law that I'm required as a professional driver to live by. I do have a girlfriend finally; she's the closest thing to perfect that I've ever found and I pray every day that I wake up the next, just so I can hear her voice. She lives about sixteen hours away and I can't see her at all because "we can't afford to pay for you to go down there" even though I'm willing to pay for gas, food, and the hotel while I'm there, or at least pay it back. I live with Grandpa as well, but I take care of the three dogs we have over there, the twenty plus birds (almost all of which lay eggs), I take care of the trash, dishes, and minor chores that Grandpa needs done; he'd do them himself, but his health isn't that great, and he's a little on the lazy side. I am currently babysitter to a dog with a broken leg for the next two months, for a grand total of sixty dollars for my effort, or, one tank of gas, how ever you look at it these days. Now here's the good part; I'm also expected to have a job to help pay the bills, even though it was agreed two years ago that I would be getting four hundred dollars a month for taking care of my grandparents; my grandmother died and suddenly, no more money, only room and board, and gas when I need it, but even that is getting to be too much to afford. Helluva mouth full eh?

Now I will say this, neither of us have finished high school, but give what you've just read, who's had the better chance of doing anything about that? At least I try to work on mine...

I write stories, obviously; it's something I've wanted to do my whole life, but I find it a little hard to swallow that my brother wants to start up a card shop and all this, that'll cost millions of dollars (most of which no doubt with be given to him by our parents) and will probably never happen, where as all I want to do is get a book published which'll only take an investment of a couple thousand dollars at the very most, and if it's good enough, that investment will have been payed back within a few months after it starts selling.
I am a firm believer in the saying that "everything happens for a reason", which tells me that 1: with as many jobs as I've had in the last five/six/seven years and 2: how long each of them lasted, none being longer than six months, I'm not supposed to have a "real" job, but my father is going to try and get me an apprenticeship in a local industrial electrical company; while I appreciate the effort, I don't think it'll work out...
Now, I know I don't like to work a steady day in day out routine, and so does everyone else who knows me, in fact, I'm quite adamant about how much I hate it; I like to work on my own schedule, which is one reason I'm starting up a business, to work on my schedule, that I set to best suit the pace that I work at, which no one has ever been able to keep up with, nor understand (as if they tried). I've said it several times to several people, including my mother, "If you can't keep up, get out of my way and let me do it myself"; I understand people well enough to not get mad at them when they can't keep up with me, so I give them something else to do, I'm not one of those people who is going to jump down some one's throat just because they a little green, or work at a different speed, everyone's got their own rhythm, and I get that because when I find mine, there's not a person one who can match me; I'm very driven and don't stop when I get in the groove, it's one of the reasons I can write so much in so little time.

I have spent every day of my life trying to keep a roof over my head, that should have been granted to me without stipulation, I have earned my keep many times over, and I deserve a lot more respect, and reward than I've gotten, but I don't ask for it. I am being taken advantage of in one of the worst ways, being threatened with eviction on a daily basis, being lied to, being cheated, being forced to do things that I don't want or even need to do, and worst of all, I get told daily that I'm never going to be successful as a writer and that I should just give up because "there's no money in it", and I'm "not that good anyway" (words of my living grandmother and my father, neither of whom have ever read what I write) the one person that told me that I wouldn't be a successful writer, and actually did read my work, is the whole reason I'm still writing as often as I can, because she, albeit bluntly, explained to me why I wasn't going to be good, inexperience.

This was a mouthful in and of itself, but when you start to think about how much more is going on that I don't say, this begins to look like just the tip of the iceberg, and considering that this is the only place I can safely say all this without worrying about the repercussions of my mother reading this (God help me if she ever sees this) it should tell you something about how little I'm allowed to say or do for myself in this family.

Does anyone know how to leave everything behind and start over somewhere else? Because that's what I need to do in order to live my life the way I want, not the way everyone else wants.

Not because it's cold, not because I never see snow anymore, not because my truck is temperamental; no, I hate winter because I lose any and all motivation to do anything. It wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't being used as a babysitter for a dog with a broken leg, on top of having to my chores, and my brothers as well as being so God awful tired for what ever reason as to fall asleep while I'm on the phone with my girlfriend... something that I rarely do with anyone, even unintentionally.
So yeah, not only do I feel completely fucking useless to the world right now, I'm being run ragged trying to please my mother, girlfriend (who I'd rather be with anyway), and my grandfather, who still hasn't gotten the idea that there's another certain lazy son of a bitch living here that needs to get out of bed more than once a week and actually do shit... fucking earn your keep man... and I'm pretty sure that I'm getting tonsillitis, thanks in no small part to a sinus infection I had from Thanksgiving to just before Christmas, which was the second one of last year, and it still hasn't gone away completely...

I cannot wait until the weather starts warming up, I'll have more energy to please everyone, as well as get back on the ball with writing, and with any luck also be able to start working..."
On that note... my whole life is nothing more than a fucking job... I work for my parents, I work for my grandfather, I work with the local professional baseball team, I'm starting my own business, I have no local friends that I can cut loose with, hell... even if I did I wouldn't know how! Right now... even my writing is starting to feel like a job... and I definitely do not want that.
As mom would say, "Welcome to the real world..." If I was in a position to be able to... I'd take everything I've earned, including my cars (which mom wants to redo to her tastes instead of letting me do what I want... even though I'm putting in all of the wrench time and the money for parts) and get the wholly living fuck out of this place and start a new life somewhere... else, with just me, and my girlfriend.
Welcome to the real world... yeah, helluva fucking welcome... I've been wearing chains for twelve years and I'm only twenty-one, I hate this place... I need to get out.

Just so you know, over the last few weeks, I've had my mind on about a million different things; mainly a certain somebody, my new business, and writing, so naturally, I haven't had much time to really slow down and think... Which would explain why after two months I'm only on chapter four of the revised final draft of the story, instead of three quarters of the way through it... I'm picking away at everything right now, and even trying to breathe life into a very old project, so I'm likely going to be a bit scatter-brained and unproductive for a while...







*Looks up at my profile info and wonders how many people will notice* ^^~

Okay, now anyone who even half-assed knows me, knows that I have a great deal of respect and love for this country, but I have to voice my opinion; I have noticed, particularly in recent years, that my constitutional rights have been violated time and time again. I have been given an ever growing list of what I cannot say in public, what I cannot do in public, and what I cannot have in public. Many of these infringements I can understand because I'm willing to more or less accept that there is nothing I can do about it; my right to free speech has been revoked because some pussy told a politician they think that the words I use are offensive... let me tell you something: there is no such thing as a bad word, it's just the intent of the user that should cause concern. My right to keep and bare arms has also been nearly completely obliterated all because some stupid motherfucker decided that the bullet coming from the open end of the barrel, an inanimate piece of lead mind you, killed their whoever, not the crazy cocksucker that pulled the trigger. Now, you may have noticed that I am censoring myself as of right now, given previous journals in which I have used much stronger language, so yeah, if what I've said thus far offends anyone, please, kindly fuck off because I haven't even begun to get pissed yet.

Where am I going with this? Well the Administrator Notice at the top of the page should be some clue... (fight the fuck out of this!)
So what I'm getting at is that yet again my constitutional rights are being attacked by these faggoty politicians think that it's perfectly fine to revoke my right to look at what I want to within the confines of my own home. Give me a fucking break! These stupid guinea cocksuckers actually think that they have the right control what I do in my own home?! Fuck you and the dick you want to shove up my ass; I am an American, motherfucker, I will not, will not let even the fucking government take away my freedom, especially not in my own Goddamned home!
Now I get that piracy is bad, and I get that the government is trying to do something about it, but for fuck's sake, absolute censorship for the sake of keeping ten or fifteen thousand wimpy motherfuckers happy? Give me a fucking break! Nut up or shut up, this is America you shit stains, pull you Goddamned heads out of your stupid motherfucking asses and accept the fact that over ninety percent of this country is populated by average people who don't give a flying lizards fuck how "unsafe" the world is for their children, and they damn sure don't give a fuck what you think! Because of people like you, who think that every single fucking thing that you don't agree with should be banned, censored, or outlawed, I and millions of other law abiding people like me have had our constitutional rights infringed upon to the point of having virtually no freedoms left; because of people like you, this country could very effectively be called the Communist States of America.
Now, I know this will offend several people of the military persuasion, but when you think about it, they're trying to protect the rights they no longer have either; I feel sorry for the folks who don't realize what they've lost since 9/11, thanks only to a minority of the very people they swore to protect. I prey that when this country goes to hell, the people who fucked it up are the first to jump ship, that way the real Americans -- us gun toting, strong worded, free living, fun loving, patriotic, American citizens -- can get to work fixing the truly unique way of life that you've so willingly fucking destroyed, all in the name of your own self-gratifying image. The people who want to control this country, and abolish our freedoms are truly the terrorists that we should be fighting!

Hey,
Figured I'd break the news since J.W.'s a bit... preoccupied, with his new mate Luna; the ol' boy got into a bit of a scuffle over the weekend and will be out of commission for a couple more days. He's well on the way to recovery thanks to his associate, an Archangel by the name of Howard, who jump started the healing process after Luna unknowingly reopened his wounds and re-broke some of his ribs, which caused more injuries than the fight.
He's doing much better today, and has spent most of the day in the shower with Luna, who decided about half way through their day that she wanted to have a pup, much to his delightful surprise, so yeah... I won't go into detail here, I'll leave that up to Jessie, but I figured I'd let you know that I haven't really been doing much writing because I've spent the last few days at their place in Calipso (you guys probably thought that Jessie Tomlinson was the base for J.W. well, so did I... but I guess I was wrong eh?") making sure Luna wasn't run ragged trying to keep Jessie off his feet, uh, for the most part <.< >.> :P
I'm going to try and do a bit of writing while they sleep tonight, judging from the sounds coming from across the hall, I'd say that they're both getting pretty tired o.O and given that the water's been running for at least eight hours solid, they've probably long since forgotten that it's even on... Thankfully J.W.'s job pays for everything he uses.
Well I'm going to get out of here and try to get some work done so I don't feel like I'm letting everyone down.

Okay, after a few very stressful days... I'm back on the ball (I still don't want to talk about it).

Now, I have a delema that I'm trying to get solved... I've decided that it would be best to split the second chapter (that you've read here) into several seperate chapters, so far the first chapter that I've gotten finished (chapter two) is only about 35-3600 words plus or minus... I plan to break the entire chapter into parts about that long, however, not only do I not have names for these chapters... I no longer have a title for the book... (I never though that it would be so hard to figure out a title, and chapter titles, and stick with them) I still want the series to be called "(OneDay) I'll Fly Away" but I'm at a loss as to what to call the individual book, I'm not sure that "Welcome to Enorha" fits anymore, given that the majority of this book is going to be the revamped version of the second chapter I've got posted here...
I feel like I'm pissing against the wind with this (titles) bacause everytime I think I've got something that I can use, I find a way to make the story easier to read... and the title and chapter titles don't seem to fit. anyone got any ideas? *looks at  purplemonkey *

Never thought I'd say this, but I think I'm actually progressing as a writer; this time last year I had just finished the first chapter of my story, and was working on the second one; as a repeat of history I'm doing the exact same thing, in the rewrite. What amazes me is that for the first time since... ever, I have actually seen a side by side comparrison of my work now, versus my work a year ago, and can honestly see improvement in my writing, which for me, is nearly impossible to do, so yeah, I appreciate the small things.

Now then, onto the main subject, I've just finished the rewrite of the first chapter, and I'm very pleased with how it turned out; I still need to send it over to  purplemonkey for editing, but I don't think there's too much wrong with it. *crosses fingers*
I'm starting chapter two and can already say that I'm genuinely nervous about how this chapter will work out... given that it was so long to begin with, I may have to split it up into two parts, which won't bother me too much, I think I may have to do that with a couple of other chapters as well -- but what does bother me is that I've written the revised version in such a way that I need to figure a way to tie this chapter in, like I did with the first chapter; that's the hard part. The easy part will be reworking the overall chapter to make it easier to read, flow better, and make more sense in the long run.
I'm not sure exactly how it will turn out, but given how the side by side on the first chapter looked... I'm really looking forward to reworking the second chapter.

In a matter of speaking, this day has been filled with one problem after another...
first off I've been in a spitting match with my boss for the last three days about how best to do inventory, and it managed to come to a head today... and as a result I made up my mind to resign as parts manager, under the premise that if I can't be let to do what I need to, to keep things organized, I don't need to be parts manager.
After lunch I was let to go home (Thank God) which proved to be a blessing, because I was to the point of being so pissed off and stressed out that I couldn't talk anymore... and for me that takes a lot; so far the count being three days of intensely stressful "negotiations" and a month and a half of being yelled at, even with the understanding that nothing was meant by it.
I still have a job, but not as parts manager, my boss already has another guy lined up for that, who, with any luck, will be able to make a broken system work, or convince my boss that what he's doing now will bankrupt him over time. I work on an "on call" basis now, so I've got more time to write, but I don't know how much I'll get done... as it is, I'm worried about how I'm going to pay for the art I'm trying to get for my story, but I've already told the artist that I can't afford to get all the images at once, so I think that'll work out in my favor.

On another note... I'm having a hell of a time dealing with the core cause of most of my chronic depression (which, for me is a form of anxiety that seems to get worse in the winter) so I may call my doctor soon to see if she can't put me back on a permanent prescription of anti-depressants. Now; maybe I shouldn't say this, but anyone who knows me even mildly well already knows, my relationship situation is always on my mind...
I know I'm not getting younger, and God knows that I'm not a person who is happiest on my own, but for what ever reason, I can't find a girl (anywhere) who would be even remotely willing to get to know me, which is one of the reasons why I'm so conscious about the way I look... even though I make fun of it). Now, I get that I come across as a (as my mother, who is very honest, said) conceited, pompous, asshole, because of how I talk, act and hold myself (posture...) while out in public. I act like that because I don't want anyone to think that I'm as weak as I am; I know what I'm capable of, and I know how to control what I can do, and I hold my self high because of it, but that doesn't mean that I'm any better than anyone else... I just wish I know why people I meet online have such a different opinion of me when they meet me in person... I'm the same person I am online, I just have to hide it in real life simply for the fact that I've been taken advantage of because of it for most of my life.
I dunno... to be honest, I'm about half tempted to just give up all together, because with as broken as I am now... it'll take a girl a very long time to get me to where I'm comfortable being myself, or even to fall in love with them... which right now I don't think I have the mental capability to do anyway...

Boy... some days it just doesn't pay to wake up in the morning...