(just a bit of reflection and ramblings about a recent realization which may or may not make sense x3)


i had depression for a long long time in the past, even on and off after the worst was over, it was a struggle, and sometimes, still is, it's not just one thing wrong (at least in my case) it is the accumulation of countless small details which added up to why i hated myself so much, so many things i considered "failures", unfinished tasks or chores, the feeling that i was (/am?) neglecting people every time i thought about friends i haven't chatted with in a long time (more than a few days if not a week or more) the lack of any substantial progress (no job yet, struggling to keep things clean, struggling to maintain a decent sleep schedule, decent nutrition, even something as basic as bathing on a regular basis), but honestly, i've come to understand (both logically, and now finally emotionally) that this is simply a vicious cycle, the lack of progress causes depression, the depression makes it hard to make progress, the cycle builds until it is paralytic, but now, i've begun breaking those chains one at a time, the hard part is keeping the chains from rebuilding themselves; if i am going to move forward, i either need to force myself through the darkness to make progress, and/or i need to stop harshly berating myself for lack of progress, i need to forgive myself, much like a chinese finger trap, pulling makes it tighter, making it harder to get free, this is an example of a negative feedback loop, pushing the ends together makes it looser, freeing your fingers, this is a positive feedback loop, the point is, in a really convoluted way, if i can forgive myself, i won't hate myself as much, this makes it easier to overall stop hating myself, which makes it easier to forgive, which causes a positive feedback loop cascading into being able to make more progress and feel better and basically, it triggers a domino effect where as long as i try, everything will get better. lately, i have been in an unusually good mood, and have made some significant progress around the house, and simply put, it feels good to finally be truly happy (my mood is usually neutral) and basically, so far at least, i am using that good mood to make more and more progress, forgiving myself and letting go of many of those perceived failures, and as long as i can keep momentum going, i may just fix my mind yet :3

tl;dr; feeling sad that you are feeling sad is a mental trap, resulting in a vicious cycle hard to break, but if nothing else, it teaches you something; to simply be happy about being happy the next time you become genuinely very happy (so once the feedback loop of sadness is broken, it opens the way for a feedback loop of happiness, similar to how harsh storms often make the calm afterwards seem all the more welcome ^^)

need everyone who can to sign this petition

http://chng.it/4gJHHmyqQG

As the title says, anyone wanna play some starbound with me with some mods installed via steam while all players involved (likely just me and whoever actually says yes) roleplay constantly as we go?

I'll be honest, I kinda don't expect anyone to reply to this let alone accept,

but assuming steam's new policy about "regional price difference" doesn't get in the way, if you dont already have the game, I will buy it for you if need be, I just really wanna play some modded starbound with other people while everyone constantly roleplays

(Before anyone asks, theres no catch, and no, I dont understand why I have an urge for this, I just do, *shrugs* xD )

(Also, if you have some mods you wanna include, please mention it, I will likely be happy to include it as long as it won't conflict with the other mods :3)

(PS: the frackin universe mod may conflict, its a bit risky, but if you insist on adding it, I will accept ^^; )

Ok, so, firstly, thank you to anyone who clicked on this, secondly, this journal was made to ask a simple question; does anybody want to play iron brigade on xbox 360 with me? It gets boring when alone and honestly I'd like to play it with people I can relate to for once, which is why I am asking here x3

Hello, to all followers of me and random visitors to my page, I'd like to take a moment to extend an invitation, I've been rather antisocial recently for the most part, and I'd like to change that, I wish to extend an invitation for us play together on xbox360, my gamertag is jaded353, I'm very polite and I try to be helpful, my favorite multiplayer games are ones such as team fortress 2, Terraria, Minecraft, destiny, and more, you are all more then welcome to send me a friend request, I would very much enjoy the company, also, if anyone would like to chat via Skype, my Skype name is the same, as stated in my profile info though, please start by saying you saw me here, as that way I'll know you aren't a random hacker, like the many I've encountered there, also, pls no spoilers about fallout 4, I'm aware its super awesome, but I wanna experience it fresh once I get it, I don't wanna know anything about it until I see it for myself xD

I have no idea who may be making requests, but I welcome and encourage any and all requests and/or comments, I know I'm not exactly a good artist yet, but that's because I'm still in practice, for the most part I expect to be dormant, though if anyone does make any requests I will have them made asap, please note that I'd prefer to keep things clean forthe time being, I'd rather wait until I get a bit more skilled before drawing explicit stuff, I know I posted a few dirty ones but those were trial pics, primarily I like comedy and/or action style scenes, especially the former, I'm very good with humor...or so I'm told x-3 anyway, to whomever sees this, please feel free to make a request, its very unlikely I'll be working on a prior one, look at it this way, my last request was almost a year ago xD I'll be working on a quick one for my best friend the_randomizer fairly soon, beyond that I'm entirely free :-3

I'm going to cut to the chase, I Havnt had a request in ages and I'm starting to wonder, I mean I know my art isn't exactly the best out there but come on :-/ I was expecting random passers by to ask for stuff but so far they've mostly stayed quiet, this is getting to be really demoralizing for me as an artist, I mean if people don't even want my art for FREE then what's the point of trying? I might as well just throw away my new and unused sketchbooks...not like it would make a difference if this keeps up honestly...I never expect anything and I'm still disappointed is my art really that bad?...whatever the case may be requests are always open...not like I expect many people to care at this point :-/

Answer as your OC/keep in character.

1. What is your name?
Ely nathus

2. Do you know why you were named that?
When I first awoke in that forest...I don't know how but I remembered it was my name...so no...I don't know why

3. Single or taken?
taken, but in an open relationship

4. Have any abilities or powers?
I can shapeshift I can create organic constructs from chitinous materials I can generate...my powers are highly adaptable but require bio-energy...I get it from eating or absorbing meat of any kind either cooked or raw...but I find that absorbing people is wrong...even so...I've been forced to a few times

5. Stop being a Mary Sue!
...a who?...also that's not a question...

6. What's your eye color?
Neon green, no matter what form I'm in

7. How about hair color?
black, usually

8. Have you any family members?
I...don't think so, not genetic ones anyway, to me my team is my family

9. Oh? How about pets?
not really, and even if i did i'd still consider them more of a friend than a pet. being a pet implies ownership

10. That's cool, I guess. Now tell me something you don't like.
Racism, sexism, greed, sadism, and anyone who kills without remorse or mercy, in fact its my job to capture or kill them first before they hurt innocents...it doesn't matter if its "their beliefs" or anything, if it means they're a danger to innocent people they need to be locked up for rehabilitation or put down if they can't before they cause more harm then they already have...

11. Do you have any activities/hobbies that you like to do?
I like to play video games, spend time with my "family" or go on scouting missions to new worlds if I'm feeling adventurous

12. Have you ever hurt anyone in any way before?
Yes...I prefer to avoid it if possible but some people don't listen to reason, some of them are unwilling to change their perspective or reconsider their actions, they get so caught up believing that the ends justify the means that to think otherwise, to consider that all the horrible things they did were meaningless, it's unthinkable to them, so they blindly refuse to consider it.

13. Ever… killed anyone before?
Yes...more times then I'd like, but it was either kill them or let them kill countless innocents...

14. What kind of animal are you?
I'm a shape shifter who prefers to be a cat, but if it comes down to basics I was a shifter before I was a cat

15. Name your worst habits.
i can sometimes be greedy despite hating greed. i doubt myself a lot. i care way too much about little things. i tend to somewhat easily let the weight of the sorrows of the world get to me, struggling to see the joys in the world...i can be so very, very cynical at times, and if it weren't for my friends then i'd probably fall back into the darkness i've spent years digging my way out of...

16. Do you look up to anyone at all?
well, yeah! i look up to all my friends!

17. Are you gay, straight, or bisexual?
bisexual, not that it matters, bodies are just vessels for the soul, and souls don't have genders.

18. Do you go to school?
not really...

19. Ever want to marry and have kids one day?
i mean, marrying yes, but having kids?...i dunno, maybe someday but for now not really...

20. Do you have fangirls/fanboys?
if I do I've never seen them...

21. What are you most afraid of?
being unable to protect my friends or loved ones...

22. What do you usually wear?
My chitin-toed boots (can't make steel), my neon green t-shirt, my blue jeans, my signature black jacket, all bio-constructed by me though...if they aren't then it hinders my ability to shapeshift, gets in the way, y'know?

23. What's one food that tempts you?
...i have to pick just one??...uh...well, can't usually go wrong with a good cheese burger.

24. What class are you (low class, middle class, high class)?
i have no idea honestly...

25. How many friends do you have?
I can't remember right off...aze, mirth, kano, viju, ankie, ahzet, sonya, lancer, volt, and several more

26. What are your thoughts on pie?
depends on the kind?

27. Favorite drink?
eh, usually soda, or chocolate or strawberry flavored milk

28. What's your favorite place?
there's an old saying that goes "home is where the heart is", that being the case, my favorite place is home~

29. Are you interested in anyone~?
i have two wonderful boyfriends, all three of us in a poly relationship, i love them both immensely!

30. Would you rather swim in a lake or the ocean?
Lake...the ocean is what boats are for...

31. What's your type?
kind and caring, but also able to protect themselves

32. Any fetishes?
a LOT, vore is my main one though, all four main kinds.

33. Seme or uke?
uh....no?...what?...is...is this japanese for something? i thought we were doing this in english, i don't know japanese...

34. Camping or indoors?
mostly i'm an indoor cat but i go wherever i'm needed, if that involves camping then eh, so be it.

Throughout my life I've always had several medical defects I was born with, such as juvenile arthritis, insulin dependent diabetes, stiff heart muscles that made it so if I tried running for more then a few seconds I'd have a heart attack and die, not to mention my over active immune system which constantly tried to attack me, but over time I've started to overcome those defects and become healthier, even then ive always had problems making friends, most kids picked on me because I was shy...those who were kind to me always seemed to move away after a while and abandon me...to this day I have hell trying to make friends...now I have a total of three true friends, but I met all of them recently, as i grew up eventually I fell into a depression which lasted several years...eventually I waited it out somehow and managed to persevere, but eventually I became depressed a second time and it hit me hard...if I hadn't met pocketmouse who one day when it hit me harder then ever managed to help pull me back from the edge I might not be here...after a while he convinced me to make my fa account in the first place, which later lead to me meeting my other two friends, when I was depressed all I had was the story I had been working on since I was six years old, the same story Ely is a part of, to this day it and my friends are all I really have left in the world, but not long after I made my account some people started hating on my fursona Ely for being "op" ...when they did it made me question his existence which lead me to question the existence of my story...it was like they poisoned my soul, destroy my story and you destroy my soul...by which I mean without both my story and my friends I have no reason to exist...so I would simply fix that issue with suicide if need be...they hated on Ely without even asking anything about him...how can you hate something you know literally nothing about?! And yeah...you know who you are...so here's a fact fyi, I've been advancing that world for several years IRL so I'm pretty sure they didnt just randomly start out op...but the point is they didn't know a thing about me so they randomly decided to pick on the shy guy just like every other person in my life...I honestly thought people here would be better then that...guess I was wrong, but if I were to say something to them to summarize what I'm trying to say, it would be "congrats, you almost indirectly killed a man with your inconsiderate actions, good job you jerks"

I'm sorry but I really needed to say that...

So I've been seeing a lot of gore recently...look I just wanna say this now so there's no misunderstanding later, I like vore, particularly unbirth, in my opinion digestion isn't preffered but is ok in the right conditions, but I do not like gore and I probably never will, i respect every single person here but please, dont involve me in any gore related matters ok? I'm sorry but truly...gore scares me, and I have no problem saying it, I'm sorry but I just can't understand how some people can like the idea of being painfully torn open or doing so to others...or anything related to pain really, I understand you may like it but honestly the topic just creeps me out, it doesn't mean I don't like you, it means I'm asking you politely to not involve me or my chars in such affairs, all I'm saying is you can like what you want and I'll never think less of you, but I simply prefere you try to avoid showing me gore related things if possible, I do hope everyone understands I mean this only to avoid confusion and express my opinion in a kind and understanding manner,

And as always have a nice day

i havnt been able to make anything to post anything ive wanted too because we've been doing a lot of work here such as removing the carpet from the stairs and washing them (the stairs that is) and thats just an example...if anyone has any requests they can still ask and i'll get them done as soon as i can, also once i get a desktop and a paypal im gonna start doing commisions instead (i plan on making good quality for a very cheep price, the most i ever expect to charge is $10 for a fairly detailed picture, ill be adding more detail as i get better and i will have great discounts also color is optional but free) for me art is a hobby and i like making people happy, so ill be happy doing great work for dirt cheep prices, but thats a ways off, i still have a lot to do but i know this is what i want to do in life, (also i will have a special deal: anyone who cant pay can still get art from me, i will happily do trades instead, ill accept a picture of almost any quality, if they cant make a picture i'll accept a written story, id prefer people pay with money however, this is only meant for if they cant, i probably wont have a way of knowing if someone lies to me about not having the money but im relying on peoples good natures)

and as always have a great day

some time soon i shall be writing my very first story about ely's world, i will be doing it in chapters, each chapter will focus on a different character, these stories are not entirely open to request or commision, they will usually only involve characters i own, im not sure how many chapters there will be but expect a long series

Dracoshroob is very depressed and really needs some encouragement, I ask that everyone who sees this including people who are just visiting my page go and give him a kind comment, PLEASE do it for him...he needs this...badly...here's the link to his journal now let's go show him we care!

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/6071229/

as you can probably guess today (august 28th) is my birthday ive had a good year and ive made a lot of new friends, even if i don get anything i dont think anything can stop this one from being one of the best ive ever had :-D im making art, making friends, ive beaten my depression completely, and most of all i feel loved, this is truly the best birthday ive ever had :3 and if i hadnt taken a chance and started talking to people running on nothing but hope i wouldnt be here right now, id still be playing video games trying hopelessly to fill a void, ive never had many friends and they always seemed to leave for various reasons and never return, but now i have true friends that i know will always be there for me it doesnt matter if i get gifts or cake or even have a party, what matters is you people have changed my life forever and its the best thing to ever happen to me, so thank everyone for making me feel like i belong, its the best present anyone could ever give me, and i would like to thank my best friends in the world pocketmouse and VergeyZeDireLynx for being there for me and encouraging me to be here and do this, without them im certain i would never have made it through my depression, i almost certainly owe them my life, and i hope they truly realize and understand that.
and as always have a great day

as an artist working with sub-par equipment (happily so) i have limits to what i can do for different styles, drawings aren't all i do however and im now informing everyone of what is available to request;

drawings/sketches (color is optional and i can put more detail without but it is default)

infinite doodle (a program on xbox ive been experamenting with, gives sharper image at expense of detail)

airbrush, (i have very little experience using this thing, request only if your not picky about results and have low expectations)

writing (i love writing and would love a reason to write something, i prefere clean stuff and will usually only work with my characters unless i know enough about the personality of yours, dont try to explain it, it will only confuse me, ill let you know if i can use one or more of your characters but feel free to request topics, these will mainly just be gifts or stuff i do on my own but feel free to ask at any time)

i may be adding this to my main page and will update as i aquire more methods,
(i will likely never be making music sorry ) also if a style/type is requested enough i will look into getting it first, dont get your hopes up though and expect a long wait before i get more art styles, and as always have a great day~

people are starting to ask for requests, they keep leaving such nice comments <3 and people seem to be enjoying my art in general
needless to say im happy, this is extremely encouraging and i really feel welcome and like i belong here :-D
ive finally found somewhere i can be me in other words~
im starting to feel like this is the best decision ive ever made! and i owe it all to pocketmouse, the person who convinced me to make an account in the first place :-Di dont think anyone here will ever realize just how much i needed this in my life, ive always been shy and tried to avoid talking to people all i could but here i feel free, like i can just be me, and to have people cheering me on like this? cheering and motivating me to get better and become a better artist? its literally a dream come true for me :-D i literally couldnt ask for more, thats why i value each and every one of my watchers and treasure the fact that i can make them happy simply by drawing ive never been happier and never had more fun than i am! and i owe it all to you people for being there, even if your just passing through the fact you visited at all means you care enough to want to know more about me, you people are awesome and dont anyone forget it! i would also like to thank eyeofcalamity for being an inspiration to me, ive always loved his art style and sense of humor and someday if i keep practicing maybe i can be almost as good as him but big things have small beginnings and take time to grow, it may take years but someday i could be a truely great artist, so once again thank you all! thank you pocket for encouraging me to take that first step and thank you ivan for being my inspiration :-D
to all who see this have a great day!

I love doing requests and my last one worked out wonderfully :-D I'd love to do more, if anyone is interested I'd love to hear your ideas so don't be shy, and besides its free all you need to do is drop off an idea and I'll make stuff in the order they come~ like I said on my profile all I need is a ref sheet and a topic and I can find the ref sheet on my own (you may have to specify if you have multiple characters though) and thanks to anyone reading this for taking the time, have a nice day!

Even though few people have spoken to me I feel like I kinda belong here, I've been watching anonymously for a long time but now I am* an artist and it feels incredible to see my art on this site, thank you to anyone that views my page and I hope people enjoy what art I post because my main goal is to make people happy I may have limited skill at drawing and my schedule may be...variable but I will do all I can to help improve someone's day :-D it means a lot to me to simply be here, like I said I don't expect to become popular but I value each and every watcher I may get because it means you care about my art and want to see more by simple viewing my page you say "hmm...this is interesting" and I can't describe how much it means to me to have people care what I draw, so again thank you for caring and have a nice day <3

as i said before i do requests, but so far no one has had any yet...i always view requests as a chance to practice while making someone happy, but untill someone asks for something ill only be posting random stuff i draw in my spare time, these random posts will be seldom and more often then not have little story to them (unless i specifically focus on my main storyline) it helps to have others supporting you or encouraging you but even if i go unnoticed i will still continue to slowly post, i dont expect to become popular but if you like my art or have any advice or encourgement it would help a ton, i may not be a proffesional artist but if i keep trying and practicing someday i might be

Hi there...I noticed I was getting a couple of channel views and...well...no ones really said anything to me since day one...if its not to much trouble go ahead and ask a question as you pass through! Basicly anything goes so dont be shy (PS this offer doesn't expire until the next journal is posted, so even a month or so later questions will still be welcome)

Does anyone know where I can get an icon of my character Ely as a request? I don't have any money to spend on commisions for the time being...sadly I might not be able to for another few years, I'm still entirely new and so far the only things I know is how to post how to get requests and how to be friendly...anything else is beyond me for now...so expect there to be a few of these "help journals" I'm also not sure if I'm using the journals system correctly...can I use it to ask for help?...so far no ones even spoken to me but because i see I've gotten at least a few views I feel like I could keep this up, who knows maybe I'll get some fans someday, my social abilities are...not what they could be...and I tend to ramble on long after people still have interest in what I'm saying...for now I'll take any requests people are willing to give and I'll also be posting stuff of my own as well, have a nice day!

Hi, I just posted my first two pictures and got 3 views in under two minutes! It may not sound like much but to me that's very encouraging! Considering I thought I was pretty much just some shy guy that hangs around, remember I'm always open to requests if anyone has any ideas

I literally just made a profile...I don't know what else to say...I'm just starting as an artist and welcome any and all to make requests! All I require is if you want me to draw you I need a reference sheet, I'm very open to ideas but I'd like to wait a while before drawing explicit stuff as I may have stated in my profile, I love action adventure scenes but if you want me to make a comic I will send it to you one frame at a time...I work by camera so anything else and the quality goes down, and because I'm new here and very shy I would love any and all advice you could give, from art tips to advice on how the site works, I've been viewing for a long time but never researched how the community itself works, if you decide to talk to me remember that I'm very shy but once you get me talking I'm usually quite funny and I'm almost always happy