As the first week of July came and went, so did the passing of a previous era and the entering of a new era.

In these past 3 and a half months since, I have not yet figured out how to go about this new direction I've been going on. I wasn't even sure what to call it. But my recent actions that I've taken, seem to have given me the answers I needed. Next year, I am going to be 30 in online years. I am part of the handful of people that have joined an online world as it was developing. Web 1.0 or the 'Wild Wild West' of the internet as some would call it, that was what I was a part of. And I don't fully regret having spent much of my time online as I have, even though I've watched many things I've enjoyed and those I've once associated with, all fade away.

However, I have been feeling like that at some point, I will just simply slow down from so much interactivity. I've given up multiplayer gaming. I've limited the amount of places I check. Just recently, I've abandoned my Gaia Online account and that was a place I had been on for a combined 18 years. I've also deleted my Facebook and I'm on Day 9 since it's been deleted, so far, the longest it's been sitting that way. I've had it for 5 years, but I know I've been on Facebook for longer than that.

But the reason behind me deleting my Facebook has more of a meaning than just simply slow activity online. To me, it was making a statement. It was there, that a lot of the remnants of my local friends and a couple online friends are on. I knew that removing my Facebook would mean that I am just removing all of them, technically. My decision of this didn't come swiftly, for I had sat in deep reflection and evaluation. For a long period of time, I have allowed so many things to happen to me and around me that I just ignored. Sometimes, I would look up on Google and read articles and some opinion-based sources about friendships and how or when they stop being meaningful. Like if they aren't doing anything for you.

And more times than not, some of those reasons I've read, are coming truer from my experiences within some people in my circle. Those reasons and red flags I kept ignoring, because I kept ignoring them out of fear of abandonment. I have been very reluctant in the past on deleting my Facebook because of this as well, even though I know that I absolutely hate the platform and how degraded it became. I wasn't feeling as connected to those friends because there wasn't an awful lot of progression or building between us that was continuing. I have tried as many times as well, to offer alternate sources for us to continue communication; Discord, SMS, Phone Numbers .etc

I just felt like I was talking into a void a lot of the time. Yet this was also something I ignored too and internally, everything going on just simply wasn't doing it for me anymore. I wasn't sure if it was a me-thing or a them-thing and I didn't want to wildly place blame on anyone. This was something I did back in 2013 and it went about as well as you expect - horrible.

This internal conflict carried on for years. Nothing I tried seemed to work and me not being there anymore with them only harmed any chances of strengthening the bond we all once had. I accept that I've soft-locked myself out of Vermont because the affordability rates there are just ridiculous. And planning visits there would have to be pretty meticulous as well considering the economy we're in. This is pretty much life, unfortunately.

I have been in therapy since 2023 and it has really enlightened me on many things and given me some tools to use to navigate some of these tough hardships. The therapist I'm with now, has helped guide me through the difficult and complicated aftermath of cutting my father out. She is someone who deserves quite a credit for all of the help and assistance. She has also shined the light on how I need to prioritize more of self-care and self-love. A matter of which I am currently trying to find ways in achieving. It is going to take quite some time getting to.

Because I am a self-loathing individual. There are many things in my life that I feel I haven't forgiven myself for and having difficulty un-pausing my life from having it filled with lots of constraints. I would say that I have had some opportunity in the past to at least better my life a little than what reality has on the records. I am also of course introverted and anything and nearly everything I've tried doing in my life has been for my own survival. As it was ingrained to me that through all of my hardships, shortcomings and ugly fallouts, I had to take paths for my own security at times.

I've tried helping people many times before, but nearly all of my solutions were meant to work for me. I've done so many things at my expense for others, they don't even realize.

So I think it is time, I feel, that I prioritize myself more than ever. I've made moves that I didn't think I'd make, yet, there's a difference. I no longer feel that regretful or reluctant as times before, where I gave people the impression that is the yo-yo effect, where you're back and forth on someone. Aside from my mental issues, aside from certain circumstances that complicate previous decisions before.

I will no longer toy with such manners. Whatever I do, after much thought and process, I will do for my sake. Some manners and matters will be swift, though have the same conclusion. However they will be handled - it will be final. This. Era. Is. Mine.

Quite a bit, so you're in for a read. I'll go back a little ways and try to summarize key events and things that have been going on with me and my life.

- Last year really hurt for me, personally. There seemed to have been a exodus of some sorts happening in my inner circle. Where, a handful of long-tenured friends have exited from my life. Some having been with me for as long as 15 years, others about 10 and a few within the 1 ~ 5 year range. There had been reasons for why some of those friendships ended the way they did, but without going into too much details that would consume the rest of this entry, it still all sucked in the way things happened the way they did. And it didn't surprise me either that it was a general election year so I lost one friend once again, to that bullshit. Seems to be a recurring thing. So yes, that all sucked but, it kinda made room for new faces in my circle and returning faces alike so it evened out.

- General Election 2024! Fuck. This. Country. Seriously, it has re-affirmed my belief that there are millions and millions of dumbfounded dipshits who live amongst us in this country. All hellbent on making others' lives miserable for their own gain and sometimes - profit. Just simply because they are the kind of people who just can't settle with the idea of others who think, live and act differently than them in a co-existing way. Simply just going their own way and fucking off wasn't enough so they got to go and drag the country down back into and through hell, even at the cost of their own. I will restate again that I would rather be minimally informed than misinformed and I once again will turn my back for the 4 years of hell we've now got being back into the nightmare circus. Just like I did the first term. I cannot get too invested or too wrapped up in this because I'll just lose track of everything and myself in the fold. And I voted Harris. We tried...

- Sometime ago and yes for anyone who has passed by my profile, they have seen hints and blatant drops of me announcing and going forward with the idea of retiring the jex. All because I broke out a new sona named Ryoae which was another hybrid that was constructed on perhaps more on a personal level than even the jex was. The jex sona was just simply a pre-existing template I took and poured qualities of myself into overtime. It didn't truly start feeling like a me-thing until a little more of a few years into its existence whereas the newer sona was based entirely off of interpersonal pieces.

So it was at somepoint, I decided that it was time to 'retire' the jex because of the new sona, I did go out and got new art of the new sona already. Then about a few months later, I just decided that all of that shit was just way too dramatic and unnecessary, why not just have both of them share the spotlight together. That's what is going to happen going forward, where both the jex and the new hybrid (which I've yet to settle a name of the combined species of) will be co-main sonas, both representing aspects of myself, both co-existing.

- After over 27 years and the hell of a road it took to get here, I have finally done the very thing I've been dying so hard to do and been held back on doing for so long. That is, cutting away my father from my life, for good. People who know me and knew me now, can rejoice, because I will not be talking of him nearly as much as I did the years leading into the event. It really has been a fucking rollercoaster dealing with it, I know that me being knee-deep in these issues with him has grown beyond exhaustive and has dominated much of my topic of interest, it has really consumed a lot of my time and energy about. Up to where I've unintentionally been earning the badge of having 'daddy issues' which is honestly jarring and incredibly disrespectful to have felt radiating through some of the friends both former and current that branded me that.

Because if anyone who has ever been through a toxic family and having dealt with toxic family members, it really is not that easy and it is incredibly time consuming. There had been multiple points where I felt I was ready to have gotten rid of him sooner, but circumstances ended up getting in the way that would only postpone it. For example, when things between I and my former roommates fell apart in KY, I needed an out because I had next to nothing in my name to fall back on. No vehicle, no job, no strong financial position or anything. So I had to turn back to him to get out of that situation.

And I had to roll through a lot of punches and face the music through that to work myself back up until I was in position enough to finally do something about this. I didn't even have credit for the longest time, which explained why I couldn't even do shit even if I wanted to during my time in KY. So, I did get credit, I was pushed into a car lease deal so now I had a vehicle, I was re-accepted back into a job that I had worked previously about nine years prior at that point so now I had a job and income. Things were piecing together and I gave things one last honest chance for anything to improve between him and I.

They never did, so I was at a loss in how to deal with it for the remainder of that year. Then things picked up between someone and I where I ended up getting a direction and that direction was towards Iowa to move to. Then I got into the business of pulling a personal loan of $5,000 and after a job bobbling where I lost that job I gained and immediately joined another job for a cup of coffee, by the first week of October, I took the vehicle and drove the hell out of VT and away from him. Just as things between him and I were escalating, done it all without so much of a whisper, just as the previous moves have been.

BUT, it was not entirely over because this is another circumstance issue that came into play. The only thing now that stood between us, was the car lease deal and I ran that for the next 3 years, paying it all on my own on top of paying the personal loan off too and running with the new job as well and keeping everything around me afloat. Then this year, the car lease expired back in July, I turned the vehicle in and got the vehicle I wanted from the beginning (A Kia Seltos) and everything was in my name. He no longer has no sway or say in this matter anymore. He did help by pouring in $2,000 down payment to lower the monthly down for me and I pay far lesser than I did on the old vehicle.

And that would really be all she wrote for him because within the first week of July after a therapy session, right after it, I just sent him the last e-mail he'll ever get from me. I changed my e-mails, my phone numbers so he has lost contact from me, even though he still knows my address, but he hasn't done anything since so it's not a worry.

Fact of the matter is, I snipped the last of my shitty IRL family, he was the last one and it's over. It's finally fucking over. I have now entered an era where it is post all of that, where things go from here and into the future, is entirely in my hands. I sincerely wish and do regret that he was to have been gone sooner and maybe some relations between former friends and I would improve if he wasn't much of a factor held over me. However, I needed him when it mattered most and it was for my own gain in the eventual run.

Lastly, for anybody who has ever doubted my capability to sustain myself and live on my own - fuck you. Fuck you hard. I have been going 3 now 4 years, paying for everything myself, keeping my job and just running free. My IRL family didn't believe I could live on my own. My ex-roommates probably believed the same shit. Maybe some other former friends who doubted me thought the same. But you know what? FUCK YOU! I DID THIS AND I'M DOING THIS! ME! NO ONE ELSE! I DIDN'T NEED HIM AND I DIDN'T NEED YOU TO DO IT!

I have had perhaps the BEST fucking time of my life in all of July this year, than I have EVER felt in my life in recent memory. And I intend to continue it. So again, fuck you, you doubting pieces of shit! DO NOT MESS WITH THOSE WHO CAN BE MOTIVATED! And I CAN be motivated!

Something to ramble about.

I have just recently returned to the furry way of things after taking a considerable amount of time off and away from it. On some journey to explore within myself and establish connections within SL. I have had made newer connections, most of which by this time as I am writing this, has fallen off because of yet dramasodes. And there was this sense I have once again felt during my time spending with some parts of the human world of SL.

That is about how not-accepted I was whenever I showed off and decided to spring on the jex avi. Now I know of there being Furry-Friendly clubs that are ran by humans but I think that it is just all title only. Like you're safe to go there as your furry self, but don't expect much to come out from that unless you find that one person into furry/human flinging. Which is uncommon. Even so, I didn't feel quite that safe and feel like I could freely reign as myself under this avi.

And I have also received the reception that whenever I put the avi on, it wasn't seen as part of my identity at all. It was more like "oh hey, Jaeger is putting on their...jex they say it is? nice costume!". All the while everyone else awkwardly shifts to their furry avis but not truly grasping what it means to be a furry. It always felt so off-putting and most times, insulting. Because my jex avi is not a costume and I've always have had to point out that - I was this for ten whole freaking years on SL. It has built a history, a history that is a part of me. IT IS me. IT IS my identity. So for it to be just watered down as a costume to throw on like as if we're having a 'best in furry' linden contest somewhere, felt very demeaning.

It has made me put on the avi less frequently when around human sims and clubs, alas I have ran with two human avis to blend in. One a female, one an androgynous just as mere extensions of my identity.

Returning to the furry world, made me feel more at home.

Suppose it had to happen sometime or another. My online activity has been steadily declining to where I am finding myself clicking around the same 5 places everyday. I have abandoned SL every 5 days if only to come on and help support a parcel along with my aunt from time to time. I don't do much on my flickr, I've deactivated the SL facebook profile of mine recently. I've deleted my Reddit account and gone ahead to delete my Instagram, BlueSky, Mastodon, Twitter profiles across the board. Now I'm only down to FB, FA, Gaia Online and MBin which is like a Fediverse alternative to Reddit.

There just simply isn't enough going on around to justify on upholding so many and keeping any hopes up for activity. Just as well because it's exhausting having to keep up with so much junk.

Been thinking a bit lately and noticing, least it's new to me but might've been a lot older, that some people are able to separate their fursona from their truesona. I've only got a few examples that I've seen of this practice and it's been getting me to this thinking on a more serious level. I look into the Jex, the one being I've been running as for years and years. It had quite served me very well in getting me to be a little more open and out there, even if it had it's fluctuating moments. Whenever I tap into the Jex, I have felt a little more freer and carefree. Cracking jokes, being absolutely random, in-your-face and being a toss between a light-hearted or downright nasty menace.

But it took a springier mindset to help get the jex to perform that way, as all of my creations are empowered by bits of my mind to give them the life that they were. Upon introducing this new sona, I've compared what I'd like this new sona to be alongside with the jex. I'm aging like everyone else and I'm under the impression that I can't just upkeep that spirit and energy of the jex on a consistent basis as I did. It used to have been a truesona, but only for a while and when I felt I needed it. Though I am growing bit by bit, incompatible with the jex interpersonally.

I believe this is what my calling to make a new sona could've been in part about. I sensed this incompatibility and I started to instinctively work to resolve it. So what I'm piecing together is that, while the Jex is not necessarily being discarded entirely, it potentially could be seeing some time on the shelf now and then. While I try to still pour in what I can that's left into where this new sona is going to go. And it's possible that the new sona is probably the truesona that'll carry that torch whereas the jex has long done it's job breaking the door down those many years ago.

No. Not really.

Recently, there has been a bit of a change of direction with myself. 2024 signals the 10 year anniversary of being the controversial, lovable, hatable fluffball known as a Jex. Of the strawberry variety. Beforehand I was just a hellhound, a piece of an old RP character then turned into somewhat of a sona, but it didn't feel right. So I was introduced to these hybrid creatures with big ears, bigger tails and adorable frames that were called a Jex. Picked a color, got a name and the rest was history.

Fast forward 10 years after that. After going through tons of minor changes, development, been spun through many phases and friends along the way. Things for me right now feel like that there needed to be a new direction of some sorts. I started branching off from being the Jex at least two years ago and ran as a human on second life in pursuit of wanting to be what I ideally would've wanted to be like if I had more of my shit in order during my 20s. This and how I was more than a foot out of the door from the furry fandom in general because of how the societal climate of the fandom turned radically and politically charged to where it became socially uninhabitable for me to associate with.

These events all made me a part-timer of a furry. Still, I clung to my jexy identity for it is a big part of me and a chunk of my life I cannot imagine having gone without. However, I felt a sense of wanting change, that I haven't felt for a little while. I began to work on the blue print of my creative vision to make a new hybrid, something I was feeling out for. It took quite some time but I finally got it down now. I came up with a Red Panda, Fennec Fox, Hyena and Phoenix hybrid - a 4 in 1. Recently, I had gotten a dream where I was piled on by a couple of red pandas (No, not in that way...) and that told me that my feelings were correct in what I felt out for while putting the pieces together. The Phoenix is borrowed from my spiritual nature. Fennec Fox is retained from my more grounded background of how the Jex came to be. The Hyena came from a part of myself where historically, I tend to laugh a lot or have laughed a lot and yeens tend to laugh.

There it was, the new hybrid. That I don't even know what to call yet but I think a working name is Rhandex or Rhayenix. It's a WIP.

Now, for the record, the jex is GOING NO WHERE! Jaeger the Jex is such a giant piece of my life that simply 'retiring' or 'killing' it off is unfathomable to me. Plus, I still got jex friends and we're still gonna rule this world someday, somehow. I gotta assist that.

As for this new hybrid, it is carrying it's own torch on it's own. I do thank for being the first kicker of what it would look like. In time, when I get the muns to buy more commissions, I do plan to pitch this hybrid to artists that can help flesh it out more. And you will be seeing this hybrid much more in the future as I still develop it's identity.