sun the sun the sun sun sun the sun the sun

ELF members please contact me

hello

i am a degenerate
talk to me about degenerate things

the idea of an "identity" is bullshit. the idea of deciding which labels to apply to yourself and what corresponding holes to force yourself into is disgusting. it destroys humanity. why does just being a human make you feel so uncomfortable.

i can't sleep recently. i lay down but everything just buzzes around in my head and i can't stop thinking about shit that depresses me or makes me angry and that makes it progressively worse. the feeling of wanting to vomit never leaves. my stomach and chest feel hot and then later my face does the same thing. my face feels like it's being steadily compressed. sometimes i have what i think is a panic attack where i lost control of myself and everything i feel gets ramped up to fuck and i can't do anything about it and my dick feels like it's gong to explode and i just have to punch my bed or my pillow or the wall or myself and have to keep myself from screaming. tried all the shit at this point, reading, not looking at screens or whatever for a couple hours before sleeping. doesn't do anything. just want to sleep. just want to stop thinking. but then i dream and all my dreams are fucked and i wake up feeling worse than when i went to sleep. they all end with me trying to kill myself with whatever method for whatever reason but not being able to. they're radically different dreams in content but for some fucking reason they all take their own roundabout way to that conclusion. kind of want to go to a therapist or a psychologist or something but i know they'll just diagnose me with some bullshit illness or stuff i already know i have and try to put me on pills that will fuck your brain up. it doesn't matter. i don't know.

piss blood shit pus

shit

"You need help."

"Get banned please"

"seek mental help"

"your disgusting in the way you interact with people"

"Lmao no your not high and mighty as you think you are."

"This is dumb and silly."

disgusting

haha second suspension up. thanksgiving sucks.

god christ everything sucks

finally got back into my account. nobody cares but that's alright.

nothing ever changes

a childish desire for mutual understanding

my mind is wholly irrational in everything it does. i've never been able to convince it of anything and i never will be. it hates me and i hate it. i wish it would just shut the fuck up sometimes.

i can never stop myself from spiraling deeper into the most uncomfortable chasms possible. every new thing i find i have to pick apart and find the most degenerate, intense version of. things as common and universal as music and art have become instruments for me to cause discomfort to those around me and drive them away.

my mind is really fuzzy. i can't think about anything. my chest hurts and my stomach feels weird. i just want to vomit but i know i don't need to. nothing to feel bad about just feel bad. pretty normal in the scheme of things but sometimes it just gets to be too much. i can't convince myself of anything. everything is just shit. i don't want the weekend to come but i want the week to be over. i feel very violent like i need to let something out but every time i make any kind of sudden movements my head gets all out of whack and something releases inside of me and makes my whole body hot and my stomach feels incredibly intensely worse for a few minutes. then every thing just goes back to the way it was before. dumb. i'm going to use these journals as an outlet like this from now on, i like it.