FA+
Shop
Update
Posted 6 days ago'w'! Hello! ... Still a bit sick... Got medicine, the infection didn't make it to my lungs (yet?), but they got me antibiotics as a just in case... I'm on a Mediterranean diet now... So fish, olive oil, and veggies I guess... Still trying to keep my calories low... Down 4 pounds already, but that could be sickness weight loss.
-w-... I wanted to say, in light of today, violence is bad, okay? Even if it happens to people you hate... Do not incite violence... My hyper empathy is picking up on a LOT of hatred from all sides... And it's making me feel sick... er... sicker than normal...
In other news... 'w'! I'm thinking of making Tidget (Tizzy) the silly fennec into my representative persona! With secondary persona being Gekke, the otter! We'll see!
-w-... I did end up leaving my only friend circle because the owner of the group and their roommate mocked me when I spoke about something serious, so now I'm alone again... They even made fun of me for leaving when I needed alone time to think about things (I was still sick dammit...) -w-...
So... Highs, and lows... I need to relax.
-w-... I wanted to say, in light of today, violence is bad, okay? Even if it happens to people you hate... Do not incite violence... My hyper empathy is picking up on a LOT of hatred from all sides... And it's making me feel sick... er... sicker than normal...
In other news... 'w'! I'm thinking of making Tidget (Tizzy) the silly fennec into my representative persona! With secondary persona being Gekke, the otter! We'll see!
-w-... I did end up leaving my only friend circle because the owner of the group and their roommate mocked me when I spoke about something serious, so now I'm alone again... They even made fun of me for leaving when I needed alone time to think about things (I was still sick dammit...) -w-...
So... Highs, and lows... I need to relax.
Sick Again
Posted 2 weeks ago-w-... It is the same illness last year that almost killed me... I'm going to the doctor early this time... Wish my luck... I don't know if they'll decline antibiotics with all the fucking bullshit going on with medicaid... *sigh...* It feels worse too...
August Horror Finished
Posted 2 weeks ago;w;! I am so sorry I could only get three stories out! The prompt this year was Emotional Horror. Originally it was meant to be Political Horror (decided August last year) but the current state of the world supersedes anything I can write... Then it was suggested tech horror, like Black Mirror, but my muse was refusing to work with that. So I went with Emotional Horror, a form of horror that preys on your emotions to convey its darkness. It's such a dark style horror that you -need- disclaimers at the end or even in the start because it can trigger people into spirals...
My own depression is fucking with me. I've had little to no motivation to do much in my life recently. I'm scared of what might happen to me. I'm scared for my friends. It really burns me out... I'm losing my light to follow in the darkness.
My own depression is fucking with me. I've had little to no motivation to do much in my life recently. I'm scared of what might happen to me. I'm scared for my friends. It really burns me out... I'm losing my light to follow in the darkness.
Cheers to those that Walk the Shadows
Posted 3 months ago'w'! I thought I'd do a more positive journal...
This is a salute to those who walk the shadows, so that those who are vulnerable are protected, those who are weak can be pushed up, those who are evil can be exposed, and those who cannot grow can still shine.
There are those of us who walk the dark side of fandoms, of groups, of communities, to gather intelligence to help authorities of any kind finally bring to justice the fiends who hide in the shadows and prey on the weak, innocent, and defenseless. Villains who manipulate the world to make themselves into heroes, when they're doing the most harm. Sometimes, some people need to tread into the darkness to rescue people from it as well.
I've been part of the shadows my whole life for one reason or another, an observer. I've seen horrible shit happen to good people, I've seen vulnerable people groomed, blackmailed, and hurt, and I've seen so much manipulation to get those who are confused to do horrible things.
These heroes need not be named because then their job will be done. They don't do it for fame, they don't do it for money, they do it to help others, to save others. That is what a true hero does. The human ego gets too big... When you get well known in this kind of work, you can no longer do it. You have to erase yourself to do it. That is why I salute the silent and hidden heroes.
We must shed our egos at times, and let our hearts combine. We must understand one another. We must also understand, not all villains are actually evil, but some are merely being used by greater evils because they too are broken and must be fixed. I've seen genuinely good people come from groups that groomed or manipulated them into doing horrible stuff. It's getting harder and harder to pull people out of these pits because so many witch hunts happen. It's getting harder and harder to pull people away from the rhetoric that turns people into sycophants and fanatics because people want to have someone to hate. It's getting harder to show empathy... People want villains, to justify being a hero in their own story... That they forget that every villain has a reason they're a villain... And that villain is the hero in their own story as well... So some people need to step into the shadows, and try to free these people before it is too late, before they fall too far, before the shadows themselves consume them... And I salute those people.
Humans are easily manipulated, especially in this age of misinformation. One man's villain is another man's hero... So it becomes harder and harder to fight... Like trying to pull a parasite out of them that hooks itself into them... I fight for the truth, for science, and for reality. I fight for empathy, for kindness, and for compassion... And sometimes, you have to use the enemy's tools to fight for that... But not use them enough to become like that... I feel the sacrifice to those who wade into the darkness, so that we do not have to.
I salute those who walk the shadows, so that we do not have to. And I give my heart to those they have rescued.
... Be kind, but take no shit. Be compassionate, but do not let them take advantage of you. Show empathy, but do not let them manipulate you. Stay strong, so that you can be a beacon to those who cannot shine as bright, but know, that there are many who are dim for a reason.
This is a salute to those who walk the shadows, so that those who are vulnerable are protected, those who are weak can be pushed up, those who are evil can be exposed, and those who cannot grow can still shine.
There are those of us who walk the dark side of fandoms, of groups, of communities, to gather intelligence to help authorities of any kind finally bring to justice the fiends who hide in the shadows and prey on the weak, innocent, and defenseless. Villains who manipulate the world to make themselves into heroes, when they're doing the most harm. Sometimes, some people need to tread into the darkness to rescue people from it as well.
I've been part of the shadows my whole life for one reason or another, an observer. I've seen horrible shit happen to good people, I've seen vulnerable people groomed, blackmailed, and hurt, and I've seen so much manipulation to get those who are confused to do horrible things.
These heroes need not be named because then their job will be done. They don't do it for fame, they don't do it for money, they do it to help others, to save others. That is what a true hero does. The human ego gets too big... When you get well known in this kind of work, you can no longer do it. You have to erase yourself to do it. That is why I salute the silent and hidden heroes.
We must shed our egos at times, and let our hearts combine. We must understand one another. We must also understand, not all villains are actually evil, but some are merely being used by greater evils because they too are broken and must be fixed. I've seen genuinely good people come from groups that groomed or manipulated them into doing horrible stuff. It's getting harder and harder to pull people out of these pits because so many witch hunts happen. It's getting harder and harder to pull people away from the rhetoric that turns people into sycophants and fanatics because people want to have someone to hate. It's getting harder to show empathy... People want villains, to justify being a hero in their own story... That they forget that every villain has a reason they're a villain... And that villain is the hero in their own story as well... So some people need to step into the shadows, and try to free these people before it is too late, before they fall too far, before the shadows themselves consume them... And I salute those people.
Humans are easily manipulated, especially in this age of misinformation. One man's villain is another man's hero... So it becomes harder and harder to fight... Like trying to pull a parasite out of them that hooks itself into them... I fight for the truth, for science, and for reality. I fight for empathy, for kindness, and for compassion... And sometimes, you have to use the enemy's tools to fight for that... But not use them enough to become like that... I feel the sacrifice to those who wade into the darkness, so that we do not have to.
I salute those who walk the shadows, so that we do not have to. And I give my heart to those they have rescued.
... Be kind, but take no shit. Be compassionate, but do not let them take advantage of you. Show empathy, but do not let them manipulate you. Stay strong, so that you can be a beacon to those who cannot shine as bright, but know, that there are many who are dim for a reason.
The Writhing Madness
Posted 3 months ago'w'! Hello! I'd like to explain a few things about certain behaviors! And explain some things about me!
I study psychology, sociology, government, political sciences, geology, astronomy, and biology! All required for world building and creating entire cultures, continents, planets, and so on. It's helped me understand a lot in this world. That's not all I study, I also study sexual desires, fetishes, kinks, or whatever you'd like to call them; part of my psychology studies! So I have a coherent grasp on how peoples' desires work, as well as the darker side of those desires. I've dealt with many people in my life, both positive and negative.
When I see so many people claiming they know something that they've never researched, but have had a cursory glance at and formed their opinion based off their own morals or the influences of others around them, I try to educate; it's the teacher blood that runs in my family.
I'll give some examples of my studies of the furry fandom in the past 25 years.
The furry fandom is not a fetish, but many people in the fandom consider it so... Thus they conclude that anything in it is considered a fetish. The same goes for pride, thinking that being queer in any way is a 'fetish', and sexualized, when it's more than that. Pride was a riot for self expression and the ability to be oneself. It was about 'let me sex who I want, when I want', even though that'd be nice, it was about being true to oneself. The furry fandom is similar, it allows you to be something else, or be something you believe you are, or something connected to you; it's a sense of self. People who cannot separate a fandom from a fetish usually end up being unable to differentiate between reality and fiction. They also tend to be chronically online, whether they realize it or not, they obsess about things online more than in the real world.
Moving on... I'll explain in the next part something important. I work with psychiatric and therapy resources frequently. I work with individuals who are broken and desire change and to be better. I work with a lot of people who were abused, groomed, or otherwise hurt in their childhood. We work through a framework that helps them cope with these problems. There are many coping mechanisms one can do, and it can help them understand and finally overcome their trauma. These tactics are not only healthy, but proven to work by professionals and their patients.
I've met a plethora of people who needed help, who were abused. I was one of them, my coping is different. I won't go into too much detail on what my abuse was, it's personal, but I will say that everyone's coping style is different.
I've met babyfurs who were abused as children. They cope by trying to recover that lost innocence. Sometimes it's nsfw, but MOST of the time they keep it sfw coping. Sometimes reliving your abuse through roleplaying can help you figure out why it happened or why you or others let it happen (See hypnotherapy results for that), but most of the time, it's to show that you're in control of what happened to you. It isn't pushing it on others. These people don't want children abused, and will fight to death anyone who would dare do that to a child... But there are horrible people out there who would say they're just like their abusers... People who don't have any idea what is going on, because they'd rather judge and harm things they don't want to understand than try to figure things out. These angry people are abusing people in their own way...
I've seen horrible people in my time who would love to abuse children, actual MAPs that are still in the fandom, and I'll tell you this... Almost every single one? Does not have a babyfur/cubfur persona... They typically have adult personas that abuse cubs in artwork. There are outliers, there will always be outliers, so you should never blanket an entire group based on the outliers too; I have seen at least two of them with cub personae, but they also seem to enjoy the whole rape scene...
Almost every single cub fur I have met would gladly punch a pedophile because it attacks their own vulnerabilities, it hurts -THEM- because they see themselves as children too. They don't want to molest kids, they want to protect them from what they went through, or protect them in general! It's even worse when I see all these SFW cub artists who get attacked and called pedophile when they don't even have a single piece of NSFW art in their galleries, not even adult related stuff. This is because some delusional people cannot tell that the fandom is not a fetish. Furaffinity is not a 'porn site', it's an art site. These same people think people like me, an asexual person, who enjoy the aspect of artwork, porn or not, are sexual deviants. Fucking wild projecting... -w-... Anyways... They cannot think like me, like you, like anyone else but themselves. They cannot put themselves in the shoes of others, because they'd rather judge others.
Why am I writing this? Someone tried to call me out as a MAP for explaining psychology, all because I didn't 100% agree with them, or tell them the words they wanted to hear. Ironic, because I have no attraction to kids, no attraction to people at all, I'm asexual, I have NO ATTRACTION at all in real life. I will not name them, because call out journals are not only immature as fuck, but they're against FA's Terms of Service... But I hope they can better themselves and learn that they can understand the world instead of slinging accusations just because you disagree with someone... Because defamation is an actual thing. Screenshots and evidence can be gathered, and there are furries who have lawyers. One day, you will make a mistake, and you will regret it.
I study psychology, sociology, government, political sciences, geology, astronomy, and biology! All required for world building and creating entire cultures, continents, planets, and so on. It's helped me understand a lot in this world. That's not all I study, I also study sexual desires, fetishes, kinks, or whatever you'd like to call them; part of my psychology studies! So I have a coherent grasp on how peoples' desires work, as well as the darker side of those desires. I've dealt with many people in my life, both positive and negative.
When I see so many people claiming they know something that they've never researched, but have had a cursory glance at and formed their opinion based off their own morals or the influences of others around them, I try to educate; it's the teacher blood that runs in my family.
I'll give some examples of my studies of the furry fandom in the past 25 years.
The furry fandom is not a fetish, but many people in the fandom consider it so... Thus they conclude that anything in it is considered a fetish. The same goes for pride, thinking that being queer in any way is a 'fetish', and sexualized, when it's more than that. Pride was a riot for self expression and the ability to be oneself. It was about 'let me sex who I want, when I want', even though that'd be nice, it was about being true to oneself. The furry fandom is similar, it allows you to be something else, or be something you believe you are, or something connected to you; it's a sense of self. People who cannot separate a fandom from a fetish usually end up being unable to differentiate between reality and fiction. They also tend to be chronically online, whether they realize it or not, they obsess about things online more than in the real world.
Moving on... I'll explain in the next part something important. I work with psychiatric and therapy resources frequently. I work with individuals who are broken and desire change and to be better. I work with a lot of people who were abused, groomed, or otherwise hurt in their childhood. We work through a framework that helps them cope with these problems. There are many coping mechanisms one can do, and it can help them understand and finally overcome their trauma. These tactics are not only healthy, but proven to work by professionals and their patients.
I've met a plethora of people who needed help, who were abused. I was one of them, my coping is different. I won't go into too much detail on what my abuse was, it's personal, but I will say that everyone's coping style is different.
I've met babyfurs who were abused as children. They cope by trying to recover that lost innocence. Sometimes it's nsfw, but MOST of the time they keep it sfw coping. Sometimes reliving your abuse through roleplaying can help you figure out why it happened or why you or others let it happen (See hypnotherapy results for that), but most of the time, it's to show that you're in control of what happened to you. It isn't pushing it on others. These people don't want children abused, and will fight to death anyone who would dare do that to a child... But there are horrible people out there who would say they're just like their abusers... People who don't have any idea what is going on, because they'd rather judge and harm things they don't want to understand than try to figure things out. These angry people are abusing people in their own way...
I've seen horrible people in my time who would love to abuse children, actual MAPs that are still in the fandom, and I'll tell you this... Almost every single one? Does not have a babyfur/cubfur persona... They typically have adult personas that abuse cubs in artwork. There are outliers, there will always be outliers, so you should never blanket an entire group based on the outliers too; I have seen at least two of them with cub personae, but they also seem to enjoy the whole rape scene...
Almost every single cub fur I have met would gladly punch a pedophile because it attacks their own vulnerabilities, it hurts -THEM- because they see themselves as children too. They don't want to molest kids, they want to protect them from what they went through, or protect them in general! It's even worse when I see all these SFW cub artists who get attacked and called pedophile when they don't even have a single piece of NSFW art in their galleries, not even adult related stuff. This is because some delusional people cannot tell that the fandom is not a fetish. Furaffinity is not a 'porn site', it's an art site. These same people think people like me, an asexual person, who enjoy the aspect of artwork, porn or not, are sexual deviants. Fucking wild projecting... -w-... Anyways... They cannot think like me, like you, like anyone else but themselves. They cannot put themselves in the shoes of others, because they'd rather judge others.
Why am I writing this? Someone tried to call me out as a MAP for explaining psychology, all because I didn't 100% agree with them, or tell them the words they wanted to hear. Ironic, because I have no attraction to kids, no attraction to people at all, I'm asexual, I have NO ATTRACTION at all in real life. I will not name them, because call out journals are not only immature as fuck, but they're against FA's Terms of Service... But I hope they can better themselves and learn that they can understand the world instead of slinging accusations just because you disagree with someone... Because defamation is an actual thing. Screenshots and evidence can be gathered, and there are furries who have lawyers. One day, you will make a mistake, and you will regret it.
Broken
Posted 5 months agoHello.
A lot in my life is happening, against my will.
Friends are in danger, friends are hurt, I've even lost friends.
...
We have to put my dog down. He is 14 years old... He has severe nerve damage in his legs, which is torment for a dog like him. He refuses to eat or drink, and starts panicking when getting up since he can't stand anymore. It was decided he'd be put down...
... I don't normally get sad when things die... I think they move forward and contribute to life... But I feel sad when we have to put something out of its misery instead of letting it live a little bit longer... It hurts me...
Sorry if I'm quiet...
Life has a way of fucking with me... Whenever I try to make meaningful change...
...
Sorry...
A lot in my life is happening, against my will.
Friends are in danger, friends are hurt, I've even lost friends.
...
We have to put my dog down. He is 14 years old... He has severe nerve damage in his legs, which is torment for a dog like him. He refuses to eat or drink, and starts panicking when getting up since he can't stand anymore. It was decided he'd be put down...
... I don't normally get sad when things die... I think they move forward and contribute to life... But I feel sad when we have to put something out of its misery instead of letting it live a little bit longer... It hurts me...
Sorry if I'm quiet...
Life has a way of fucking with me... Whenever I try to make meaningful change...
...
Sorry...
It's happening! Whoo!
Posted 6 months ago'w'! Hello! I'm still... -w-... Not well... BUT! Good news! All my Trouble Tickets have been resolved!
Thank you, staff! I'm glad things are getting done again! I do find it funny that one of them 'solved itself' by the original journal creator deleting their journal... But still.
For people wondering what is going on with me... Existential problems... Playing D&D and Fabula Ultima... And I was playing Mabinogi, but now I'm playing Monster Hunter Wilds (Just got it yesterday after three months of saving).
I've not been in the headspace to be creative (writing, character development, or map creation) for three months now... But I had an idea for a character I may work on. A certain otter friend inspired me, a shining light in the darkness for me. <3
Thank you, staff! I'm glad things are getting done again! I do find it funny that one of them 'solved itself' by the original journal creator deleting their journal... But still.
For people wondering what is going on with me... Existential problems... Playing D&D and Fabula Ultima... And I was playing Mabinogi, but now I'm playing Monster Hunter Wilds (Just got it yesterday after three months of saving).
I've not been in the headspace to be creative (writing, character development, or map creation) for three months now... But I had an idea for a character I may work on. A certain otter friend inspired me, a shining light in the darkness for me. <3
I am not well...
Posted 8 months agoSorry, I am emotionally overwhelmed... Empathy running rampant... Many in pain, many in fear, many angry and furious... I am sore... I am tired...
... Humanity has too much hate in it... To much aggression... Too easily manipulated... To easily swayed... ...
When the 'bosses' hoard all the wealth... What is the next step? They die. Their children get it. It repeats... But what is the meaning behind it... When it then becomes worthless... As the average person has no wealth... It loses meaning... It loses power and influence... ... What is the long game... Other than making others suffer... It wasn't about wealth, it was about suffering... And hatred... And power... And control... It's sinful.
... Humans will stagnate... They will not grow... And it... Makes me sad... I will watch the decay... And the fall... And I will weep... But I will have no power over it... For I am merely the observer... And the one who feels... Who feels what the pain is, what the sorrow is, what the frustration is...
... ... "The silence within the night sky is deafening... To the noise screaming on the surface."
... Humanity has too much hate in it... To much aggression... Too easily manipulated... To easily swayed... ...
When the 'bosses' hoard all the wealth... What is the next step? They die. Their children get it. It repeats... But what is the meaning behind it... When it then becomes worthless... As the average person has no wealth... It loses meaning... It loses power and influence... ... What is the long game... Other than making others suffer... It wasn't about wealth, it was about suffering... And hatred... And power... And control... It's sinful.
... Humans will stagnate... They will not grow... And it... Makes me sad... I will watch the decay... And the fall... And I will weep... But I will have no power over it... For I am merely the observer... And the one who feels... Who feels what the pain is, what the sorrow is, what the frustration is...
... ... "The silence within the night sky is deafening... To the noise screaming on the surface."
Heartless and Hatred, for Selfish Greed runs Rampant
Posted 8 months ago'w'! Hello! ... I guess... -w-... Still in pain... Keeping it short...
With the wildfires going on, potential friends MIA, and people displaced and suffering... I've seen people siding with the stain that would be the US's next president... In that he should stop aid to California because it's a blue state... While some say he shouldn't because of the wealth it brings in... Both of these perspectives are selfish and greedy in their reasonings... And hate filled regardless... While the democrats still gave aid to red states in disasters these past 4 years, the lunatics kept trying to block it themselves for... some reason..? They would say FEMA is kidnapping people or stupid shit like that... And now people are saying we shouldn't be helping people in a CRISIS because of how they voted... That's disgusting.
The Winter Storms are taking their toll on multiple states, but Richmond in Virginia was hit hard because their water was completely knocked out for almost 4 days. The governor sat back in his mansion Coward Cruz style and went 'that's a shame' while the real heroes spread ways to get water, how to purify water, and volunteered to bring water to those in need.
The politicians who do not lead are 'bosses'. A boss does not contribute, they take and boss people around. A leader leads by example and contributes. This is why CEOs are typically really fucking horrible leaders... So stop letting them get into politics. (This is in regard to the Virginia governor and the stain of a president).
-w-... I've said for years... If you can't be kind to those less fortunate, you're harming yourself, not them. They're already suffering, but your heart is shriveled, and when you need help, you will have only yourself, and you will suffer more than they did.
I am not a politically motivated person. I studied politics and government for my writing. I studied how it fails, how it succeeds, how it best works, and how to create inhumanly political governments that may be alien to us, as well as cruel governments that would destroy us. I studied history to build my own worlds. I studied how leadership works, how it fails, and how it can thrive. All great heroes are flawed, for the bards that sing their songs embellish their heroics... And we only receive the history that the victors want the world to hear...
>w>... People want other people to suffer because they disagree with them... And they're willing to suffer tenfold just to point and laugh... It's... Saddening... And honestly, I feel pity for people who can't be kind to the people they see as 'enemies'. They wish for suffering, they wish for pain, they wish for misfortune, so that it can justify their hatred towards them... But what did they do to you?
-w-... When you surround yourself with hate... It's a lovely warm blanket... The people who hate with you will keep you nice and warm... Until those that suffer from that hatred are gone... Then it's cold... And you need to find something else to hate... It's addictive, you need to hate, you need that enemy to be your villain in your heroic story! ... So then... You find something else to hate... Then maybe it touches on the stuff those around you hate... They hate you. They don't side with you anymore... They needed something else to hate too... And now it's you.
Hate... Begets Hate...
... Learn empathy and kindness, for it is what has driven humanity to innovate and grow and work together for so long... For the paranoia and vitriol and hatred..? That drives us apart, it sets us back, it kills. It's the antithesis towards evolution, the antithesis towards a better tomorrow... ;w;...
... Be kind. But also don't take shit.
And stay safe.
With the wildfires going on, potential friends MIA, and people displaced and suffering... I've seen people siding with the stain that would be the US's next president... In that he should stop aid to California because it's a blue state... While some say he shouldn't because of the wealth it brings in... Both of these perspectives are selfish and greedy in their reasonings... And hate filled regardless... While the democrats still gave aid to red states in disasters these past 4 years, the lunatics kept trying to block it themselves for... some reason..? They would say FEMA is kidnapping people or stupid shit like that... And now people are saying we shouldn't be helping people in a CRISIS because of how they voted... That's disgusting.
The Winter Storms are taking their toll on multiple states, but Richmond in Virginia was hit hard because their water was completely knocked out for almost 4 days. The governor sat back in his mansion Coward Cruz style and went 'that's a shame' while the real heroes spread ways to get water, how to purify water, and volunteered to bring water to those in need.
The politicians who do not lead are 'bosses'. A boss does not contribute, they take and boss people around. A leader leads by example and contributes. This is why CEOs are typically really fucking horrible leaders... So stop letting them get into politics. (This is in regard to the Virginia governor and the stain of a president).
-w-... I've said for years... If you can't be kind to those less fortunate, you're harming yourself, not them. They're already suffering, but your heart is shriveled, and when you need help, you will have only yourself, and you will suffer more than they did.
I am not a politically motivated person. I studied politics and government for my writing. I studied how it fails, how it succeeds, how it best works, and how to create inhumanly political governments that may be alien to us, as well as cruel governments that would destroy us. I studied history to build my own worlds. I studied how leadership works, how it fails, and how it can thrive. All great heroes are flawed, for the bards that sing their songs embellish their heroics... And we only receive the history that the victors want the world to hear...
>w>... People want other people to suffer because they disagree with them... And they're willing to suffer tenfold just to point and laugh... It's... Saddening... And honestly, I feel pity for people who can't be kind to the people they see as 'enemies'. They wish for suffering, they wish for pain, they wish for misfortune, so that it can justify their hatred towards them... But what did they do to you?
-w-... When you surround yourself with hate... It's a lovely warm blanket... The people who hate with you will keep you nice and warm... Until those that suffer from that hatred are gone... Then it's cold... And you need to find something else to hate... It's addictive, you need to hate, you need that enemy to be your villain in your heroic story! ... So then... You find something else to hate... Then maybe it touches on the stuff those around you hate... They hate you. They don't side with you anymore... They needed something else to hate too... And now it's you.
Hate... Begets Hate...
... Learn empathy and kindness, for it is what has driven humanity to innovate and grow and work together for so long... For the paranoia and vitriol and hatred..? That drives us apart, it sets us back, it kills. It's the antithesis towards evolution, the antithesis towards a better tomorrow... ;w;...
... Be kind. But also don't take shit.
And stay safe.
Unable to Write
Posted 8 months agoThe shiba inu in our family has been extra assholish since getting the puppy. He bit me pretty bad on my hand, so I can't type much without aches and pain.
I won't be able to work on the novel for a little while due to this. Makes it more annoying that I can't just bandage it with normal adhesives, I need to use medical tape and gauze due to my sensitivity to latex I recently started developing.
I won't be able to work on the novel for a little while due to this. Makes it more annoying that I can't just bandage it with normal adhesives, I need to use medical tape and gauze due to my sensitivity to latex I recently started developing.
Happy New Years
Posted 8 months agoFrom the void to the pale blue dot, I hope another orbit is safely accomplished.
'w'! Hi! My new years goal is to finish a novel... I'm a few chapters in! I'll be posting drafts here! I am a bit wary about publishing it though... I don't know.
-w-... I'm tired. I've come off a medication that caused depression, and it's like ripping an arrow out of a wound... So sorry if I frick up some stuff and miscommunicate more lately.
This coming year will be difficult for me. It'll be harder for some around me. The fight for freedom will be harder than ever.
... Fuck capitalism. Fuck fascism. Fuck greedy selfish assholes. Please be kind and compassionate to your fellow humans, especially to the less fortunate...
... Beep.
'w'! Hi! My new years goal is to finish a novel... I'm a few chapters in! I'll be posting drafts here! I am a bit wary about publishing it though... I don't know.
-w-... I'm tired. I've come off a medication that caused depression, and it's like ripping an arrow out of a wound... So sorry if I frick up some stuff and miscommunicate more lately.
This coming year will be difficult for me. It'll be harder for some around me. The fight for freedom will be harder than ever.
... Fuck capitalism. Fuck fascism. Fuck greedy selfish assholes. Please be kind and compassionate to your fellow humans, especially to the less fortunate...
... Beep.
The Universe
Posted 10 months agoIn the beginning, a god of light and a god of shadow fought with one another. The god of light won, banishing a majority of the darkness, and giving way to matter. From the ashes of the fight, rose the forges that would create worlds. Tirelessly and ceaselessly creating new realms, new places to explore, but so many times, there were flaws... errors... glitches... Each world a place where life could thrive, but it could also die...
No one knows where the god of light went... But new gods came forth that brought balance to each world... Some worlds were dead, and thus their gods silent, while some worlds were vibrant with activity, resulting in just as passionate gods. Mortals could not see the gods, but they felt their influence... Until one day... A curious creator started to explore these worlds. Every last one of them.
The explorer would judge the worlds, see their progress, and try to understand how things functioned. The forges created so many worlds, but the explorer didn't need to explore all of them, only the ones that lived. Each world felt like a different version of a sister world in some way. What decision led to what outcome within that world, could it be reversed, could it be given another chance, or could it lead to the death of a world? These curiosities piqued the interest of the explorer...
... Deeper and deeper the explorer dove, into more and more complex worlds, more and more vibrant worlds, and then... ... They stopped. The explorer found themselves on a dead world... "I swear it had life before I came." the explorer would say... ... ...
I swear... It had life before I came...
...
No one knows where the god of light went... But new gods came forth that brought balance to each world... Some worlds were dead, and thus their gods silent, while some worlds were vibrant with activity, resulting in just as passionate gods. Mortals could not see the gods, but they felt their influence... Until one day... A curious creator started to explore these worlds. Every last one of them.
The explorer would judge the worlds, see their progress, and try to understand how things functioned. The forges created so many worlds, but the explorer didn't need to explore all of them, only the ones that lived. Each world felt like a different version of a sister world in some way. What decision led to what outcome within that world, could it be reversed, could it be given another chance, or could it lead to the death of a world? These curiosities piqued the interest of the explorer...
... Deeper and deeper the explorer dove, into more and more complex worlds, more and more vibrant worlds, and then... ... They stopped. The explorer found themselves on a dead world... "I swear it had life before I came." the explorer would say... ... ...
I swear... It had life before I came...
...
The Horrors
Posted 10 months ago'w';... Hi... I'm tired... -w-... "Why haven't you been able to write horror lately?" my therapist asked me... I could only reply... "The world is both existentially and psychologically more horrific than anything I can possibly write right now... And I would feel bad if I copied the distraught horrors of the current story."
In short... I'm demotivated and tired... I'm tired of hateful and horrible people baring down on me. I am tired of the uncertainty of my life too... I really REALLY dislike being out of control of my own life...
I want to help others as well, but until I can fix myself, I cannot help fix others... Also... ... You know who you are, you cannot read this, you don't even have an FA anymore... But you're loved, and you're cherished. And I hope you realize that this hecky world... Has been through a lot... And you are strong enough to survive. Much stronger than I, and somehow I'm surviving, so heck, you can too.
... All of you who show compassion and kindness... ... You're appreciated and loved... Thank you for showing your humanity. Cruelty will only lead to surrounding yourself with more cruelty... Until the cruelty starts battering away at your own soul...
... Kindness can do great things...
-w-... That's all. Sorry.
In short... I'm demotivated and tired... I'm tired of hateful and horrible people baring down on me. I am tired of the uncertainty of my life too... I really REALLY dislike being out of control of my own life...
I want to help others as well, but until I can fix myself, I cannot help fix others... Also... ... You know who you are, you cannot read this, you don't even have an FA anymore... But you're loved, and you're cherished. And I hope you realize that this hecky world... Has been through a lot... And you are strong enough to survive. Much stronger than I, and somehow I'm surviving, so heck, you can too.
... All of you who show compassion and kindness... ... You're appreciated and loved... Thank you for showing your humanity. Cruelty will only lead to surrounding yourself with more cruelty... Until the cruelty starts battering away at your own soul...
... Kindness can do great things...
-w-... That's all. Sorry.
Horrible People...
Posted 10 months agoTo all of you who voted for trump... You are hateful and horrible people who have no empathy. You have selfish desires and never have any form of sympathy for anyone you cannot put a face to. You would gladly punish people you have no clue about, who you have never met. You would gladly harm transgender people because your politicians say 'it bad' and spread misinformation. You would LOVE LOVE LOVE to spread your vitriol just because someone doesn't fully agree with you. You spread lies and hate, even in the presence of information that denies your false facts. You throw blame and anger towards people just because they don't think like you, and have proven your world view is flawed. You state everyone else is bad, everyone else spreads misinformation, everyone else is wrong, all because you are terrified that if you're wrong that bad things will happen in your life.
You are not a hero in your story. You're a villain in MANY others' stories. Many of you are childish, and will bitch and bitch and bitch about how you're being censored on a private website for your political beliefs... When in fact it's because you stalk people, you doxx people, you harass people, you throw insults and gang up on others, you pitch fits and you spew vitriol. You have not a fucking ounce of kindness in your hearts, and I PITY YOU. I FEEL SAD FOR YOU. For you could be a better person... You could try to understand why people do things... But you don't. You put your fingers in your ears, listen to the assholes whispering lies to you, and refused to ACTUALLY do research outside of any form of misinformation that validates your narrow perspective on the world.
You fell for a grifter, a liar, a man who incited an insurrection, and for what? 'Cheaper housing' that he didn't bring when he was in office? 'Better spending' when he had one of the highest debts in US history? 'An end to wars' when he plans to help Israel bomb the fuck out of Gaza to 'end the conflict' and withdraw us out of NATO so Russia can decimate Ukraine? ALL OF THESE THINGS HE HAS SAID HE WILL DO.
'Oh he's not so bad', he literally said on national TV that voting for him means you never need to vote again. That he'll deport 20 MILLION -LEGAL- immigrants, including those who are citizens. That he'll send military after his political opponents. He lies, he cheats, he bribes, and he grifts... And you can't admit you're wrong, because your fucking ego and pride are too big to admit it. You voted in a fascist. HIS OWN ADMINISTRATION SAID HE IS NOT FIT.
... We lost something today... It's not an election... It's trust.
... I observe human behavior. I study what makes them tick... They can be kind... They can be scared, they can be irrational, they can be silly, and the can be weird... But most of all... They always have the potential to become hateful, xenophobic, and bigoted... And I've seen kind people turn to this path many times...
What happens to humanity will be deserved. I am an observer. My burden is to watch. But it hurts. It hurts so much when I feel you all can do so much better... You can learn, and grow, and progress as a species... But it's stagnated by the hatred and selfishness... You're a social species, you cannot live on your own, at least not very well... You need each other... Yet you hate each other so easily...
... ... I am sad... I am tired...
And to the many who cannot reply to my journals because you are blocked... You are hateful and horrible people. You don't deserve to interact with me. This is my own spite towards you. I do not tolerate the intolerant. I do not tolerate those that would harm for selfish reasons.
I do not know if I will be alive soon. I have been sick for a long time. I cannot work anymore. I am depressed, and feel like I am at my limit... But perhaps people would appreciate if the 'weakest link' gets killed off... Survival of the fittest after all, and I'm not fit. Never was... Never will be...
EDIT: TO CLARIFY: I am not blanketing fringe cases or ignorant people who don't realize what they're doing. I am targeting the people who are going from journal to journal of people who are afraid and crying, and going 'lol kill yourself' or 'haha loser'. I am talking about the people who are celebrating that minorities, poor folk, immigrants, queer and trans, as well as others will be hurt by this. You don't celebrate pain. You don't celebrate harming others. You don't celebrate hate.
You are not a hero in your story. You're a villain in MANY others' stories. Many of you are childish, and will bitch and bitch and bitch about how you're being censored on a private website for your political beliefs... When in fact it's because you stalk people, you doxx people, you harass people, you throw insults and gang up on others, you pitch fits and you spew vitriol. You have not a fucking ounce of kindness in your hearts, and I PITY YOU. I FEEL SAD FOR YOU. For you could be a better person... You could try to understand why people do things... But you don't. You put your fingers in your ears, listen to the assholes whispering lies to you, and refused to ACTUALLY do research outside of any form of misinformation that validates your narrow perspective on the world.
You fell for a grifter, a liar, a man who incited an insurrection, and for what? 'Cheaper housing' that he didn't bring when he was in office? 'Better spending' when he had one of the highest debts in US history? 'An end to wars' when he plans to help Israel bomb the fuck out of Gaza to 'end the conflict' and withdraw us out of NATO so Russia can decimate Ukraine? ALL OF THESE THINGS HE HAS SAID HE WILL DO.
'Oh he's not so bad', he literally said on national TV that voting for him means you never need to vote again. That he'll deport 20 MILLION -LEGAL- immigrants, including those who are citizens. That he'll send military after his political opponents. He lies, he cheats, he bribes, and he grifts... And you can't admit you're wrong, because your fucking ego and pride are too big to admit it. You voted in a fascist. HIS OWN ADMINISTRATION SAID HE IS NOT FIT.
... We lost something today... It's not an election... It's trust.
... I observe human behavior. I study what makes them tick... They can be kind... They can be scared, they can be irrational, they can be silly, and the can be weird... But most of all... They always have the potential to become hateful, xenophobic, and bigoted... And I've seen kind people turn to this path many times...
What happens to humanity will be deserved. I am an observer. My burden is to watch. But it hurts. It hurts so much when I feel you all can do so much better... You can learn, and grow, and progress as a species... But it's stagnated by the hatred and selfishness... You're a social species, you cannot live on your own, at least not very well... You need each other... Yet you hate each other so easily...
... ... I am sad... I am tired...
And to the many who cannot reply to my journals because you are blocked... You are hateful and horrible people. You don't deserve to interact with me. This is my own spite towards you. I do not tolerate the intolerant. I do not tolerate those that would harm for selfish reasons.
I do not know if I will be alive soon. I have been sick for a long time. I cannot work anymore. I am depressed, and feel like I am at my limit... But perhaps people would appreciate if the 'weakest link' gets killed off... Survival of the fittest after all, and I'm not fit. Never was... Never will be...
EDIT: TO CLARIFY: I am not blanketing fringe cases or ignorant people who don't realize what they're doing. I am targeting the people who are going from journal to journal of people who are afraid and crying, and going 'lol kill yourself' or 'haha loser'. I am talking about the people who are celebrating that minorities, poor folk, immigrants, queer and trans, as well as others will be hurt by this. You don't celebrate pain. You don't celebrate harming others. You don't celebrate hate.
I traumatized a political pamphlet person?
Posted 10 months ago>w>... Huhu... You know some places have people throwing pamphlets of who you should vote for and whatnot? The republican one was first in line. I told her "No." firmly and she was taken aback... I saw the democrat one behind her giggling. Then after that we had one who said "Here's who you should vote for in the school chair race." He didn't say the affiliation, the affiliation was not on the pamphlet, so I said "Republican?" and the first words that came out "He's conservat-" I said firmly "No." and walked away. He was gasping at how I must have 'disrespected' him. When I came out, my father came after me and asked 'what'd you do to that guy?' When my dad said 'no thanks' the guy muttered 'not another one... oh no...'
Good news... There was a single sign for the orange menace, and dozens of blue signs... Bad news, I saw a lot of red idiots going about. One did get kicked out for not removing his hat, but he came back in after taking his hat off. Gotta follow the rules for everyone. At least he didn't assault the poll worker like a few others have...
Good news... There was a single sign for the orange menace, and dozens of blue signs... Bad news, I saw a lot of red idiots going about. One did get kicked out for not removing his hat, but he came back in after taking his hat off. Gotta follow the rules for everyone. At least he didn't assault the poll worker like a few others have...
When The Veil Weakens
Posted 10 months agoEvery year, the veil weakens for just one hour. As soon as it click midnight... It won't be one AM for another two hours...
The veil weakens and we think we can hear that which normally we cannot. We think we see ghosts, spirits, goblins, and tricksters abound...
Every year, the ribbon that binds all together splits... And we start to understand that which shouldn't be understood...
Ding... Ding... Ding... Ding... Ding... Ding... Ding... Ding... Ding... Ding... Ding... Ding... Ding...
Who will return when the veil weakens? And who will go missing..?
... I hope everyone has a lovely hallowed evening... Come back safely.
The veil weakens and we think we can hear that which normally we cannot. We think we see ghosts, spirits, goblins, and tricksters abound...
Every year, the ribbon that binds all together splits... And we start to understand that which shouldn't be understood...
Ding... Ding... Ding... Ding... Ding... Ding... Ding... Ding... Ding... Ding... Ding... Ding... Ding...
Who will return when the veil weakens? And who will go missing..?
... I hope everyone has a lovely hallowed evening... Come back safely.
The state of society (and me)
Posted 11 months agoWith recent events in the world and in the communities I'm in, I'm going to be a little more quiet.
I don't know what I will do in regards to writing, I don't want people to take my musings or venting as some form of complication that results in the removal of me... Nor the hatred of me... I've already had to remove some of my work out of fear that it would be taken wrong. I've also removed the recent cerberus eeveelution because someone showed me that -exact- combination, right down to their positioning and gender and whatnot, had not only already been done... But it had artwork. People don't realize, us writers in this fandom tend to get spat on when we write something and someone else has art of a similar thing.
Writers gain way less respect in a visual medium-centric fandom like this, and we frequently have way less followers than people who do draw. No one has time to read, and it's faster to just look at art for most. Know what that means? I REALLY hecken appreciate all of you who DO appreciate my writings, who do read my dumb little character concepts, who do like my horror ideas and world building. I appreciate and love all of the kindness you offer me, a thousand times more than I can actually express. But this comes at a drawback... I am extraordinarily self conscious about my work, because I have an inferiority complex to begin with.
I can deal with people going 'ew' or 'what the fuck' at my villains or horror, but when people tell me I lack originality, or that I'm uninspired, or otherwise... That criticism is incredibly demotivating and hurts.
Some of you have noticed I've had a slight political side lately... Lets just say, where I live is making me concerned about my very existence... It's infuriating me.
Not everyone who disagrees with you is an enemy. Not everyone considers you an enemy. But in a world of misinformation, lies, and manipulators, people need to learn to stop sticking their head in the ground and being ignorant, as well as open their mind to researching things. They demand people to 'research' things they think is right, but when you give them evidence it is wrong, they scream and flail and insult you... Or worse, state their information is 'an opinion lol'... ... Then stop trying to state it like its fact, and let others have their own 'opinions' too.
I've been blocking people who would be problematic to communicate with. If you feel I've blocked you, you likely deserve it for your behavior. I don't block people for political affiliation, I block them for harassing others or spreading misinformation/lies. This is the consequence of your behavior, nothing to do with freedom of speech (which if you understood how that fucking worked, you wouldn't be trying to invoke it on a private place unaffiliated with the US government.)
At the end of the day... I'm an old fool who suffers from trauma from being abused a lot in the past. Emotionally and physically... Only recently, I have found friends who want me to be their friend unconditionally... And they're not even furries. A lot of furries I've met have toxic friendships that rely on others having some form of popularity, wealth, talent, or are used just for role playing purposes. I am wary to make new furry friends because of this. When I was younger, I'd ask hundreds to be friends, and ended up abused by many who I thought was close. Now I barely ask maybe one or two... And even then, I have a bad habit of wearing masks that I think the person would appreciate instead of me being myself... To specify... I am actually asexual IRL. I am not interested in any actual sexual interactions in reality... Role playing is just my way of connecting to people, same for sharing kinks or interests I'm not actually into...
I am tired. I do not sleep well. My lungs are likely permanently fucked. My heart hurts frequently with arm pain, and the doctor just says 'that is normal'. I sometimes bleed from either my rear or the region around it when I walk sometimes... But the doctor says nothing can be done about that. I am tired of being told 'this is normal' when it most certainly is not.
I am tired. Sorry.
I don't know what I will do in regards to writing, I don't want people to take my musings or venting as some form of complication that results in the removal of me... Nor the hatred of me... I've already had to remove some of my work out of fear that it would be taken wrong. I've also removed the recent cerberus eeveelution because someone showed me that -exact- combination, right down to their positioning and gender and whatnot, had not only already been done... But it had artwork. People don't realize, us writers in this fandom tend to get spat on when we write something and someone else has art of a similar thing.
Writers gain way less respect in a visual medium-centric fandom like this, and we frequently have way less followers than people who do draw. No one has time to read, and it's faster to just look at art for most. Know what that means? I REALLY hecken appreciate all of you who DO appreciate my writings, who do read my dumb little character concepts, who do like my horror ideas and world building. I appreciate and love all of the kindness you offer me, a thousand times more than I can actually express. But this comes at a drawback... I am extraordinarily self conscious about my work, because I have an inferiority complex to begin with.
I can deal with people going 'ew' or 'what the fuck' at my villains or horror, but when people tell me I lack originality, or that I'm uninspired, or otherwise... That criticism is incredibly demotivating and hurts.
Some of you have noticed I've had a slight political side lately... Lets just say, where I live is making me concerned about my very existence... It's infuriating me.
Not everyone who disagrees with you is an enemy. Not everyone considers you an enemy. But in a world of misinformation, lies, and manipulators, people need to learn to stop sticking their head in the ground and being ignorant, as well as open their mind to researching things. They demand people to 'research' things they think is right, but when you give them evidence it is wrong, they scream and flail and insult you... Or worse, state their information is 'an opinion lol'... ... Then stop trying to state it like its fact, and let others have their own 'opinions' too.
I've been blocking people who would be problematic to communicate with. If you feel I've blocked you, you likely deserve it for your behavior. I don't block people for political affiliation, I block them for harassing others or spreading misinformation/lies. This is the consequence of your behavior, nothing to do with freedom of speech (which if you understood how that fucking worked, you wouldn't be trying to invoke it on a private place unaffiliated with the US government.)
At the end of the day... I'm an old fool who suffers from trauma from being abused a lot in the past. Emotionally and physically... Only recently, I have found friends who want me to be their friend unconditionally... And they're not even furries. A lot of furries I've met have toxic friendships that rely on others having some form of popularity, wealth, talent, or are used just for role playing purposes. I am wary to make new furry friends because of this. When I was younger, I'd ask hundreds to be friends, and ended up abused by many who I thought was close. Now I barely ask maybe one or two... And even then, I have a bad habit of wearing masks that I think the person would appreciate instead of me being myself... To specify... I am actually asexual IRL. I am not interested in any actual sexual interactions in reality... Role playing is just my way of connecting to people, same for sharing kinks or interests I'm not actually into...
I am tired. I do not sleep well. My lungs are likely permanently fucked. My heart hurts frequently with arm pain, and the doctor just says 'that is normal'. I sometimes bleed from either my rear or the region around it when I walk sometimes... But the doctor says nothing can be done about that. I am tired of being told 'this is normal' when it most certainly is not.
I am tired. Sorry.
Bleghrghle! xwx!
Posted a year agoxwx! I'm still going through chest pains from recovery... And feel blegh at times...
I've started a Fabula Ultima campaign with a few friends, it's modern era and like SCP/Control in its theming.
My kobolds have been chaotic too. xwx! But I won't be doing much because I'll be visiting friends for a week soon.
Potential to move out with them, and my father doesn't know about it... And he was asking if I would be moving out since I'm spending a week. It's mainly to get away from family and get some sleep... *blargh* xwx!
I am tired, unable to sleep, and body is stressing out... I worry about my physical health more these days...
I had people comment they liked my reveal of the symbiosis of Junkpaw, but also had people try to compare it to other 'fungal infested machine' things too, a lot of people did this... It's a little discouraging when this happens. I wasn't trying to be unique... I just liked the idea of the 'next sapient creature' being something other than an animal, and fungi is plausible... Especially if interlinking and 'learning' from existing creatures...
Anyways... xwx... I am surviving... Or trying to...
I've started a Fabula Ultima campaign with a few friends, it's modern era and like SCP/Control in its theming.
My kobolds have been chaotic too. xwx! But I won't be doing much because I'll be visiting friends for a week soon.
Potential to move out with them, and my father doesn't know about it... And he was asking if I would be moving out since I'm spending a week. It's mainly to get away from family and get some sleep... *blargh* xwx!
I am tired, unable to sleep, and body is stressing out... I worry about my physical health more these days...
I had people comment they liked my reveal of the symbiosis of Junkpaw, but also had people try to compare it to other 'fungal infested machine' things too, a lot of people did this... It's a little discouraging when this happens. I wasn't trying to be unique... I just liked the idea of the 'next sapient creature' being something other than an animal, and fungi is plausible... Especially if interlinking and 'learning' from existing creatures...
Anyways... xwx... I am surviving... Or trying to...
Status Condititon Identified
Posted a year agoI'm not dying. 'w'! Hurray! ... Well, not dying as quickly... My pneumonia recovery symptoms were manifesting -VERY- close to heart failure symptoms, combined with my own aches and pains in the wrong places at the wrong time... And for the feet swelling... Turns out I'm just getting older... And have long legs... They told me to get compression socks... -w-...
*sigh!* More good news, my therapist has returned. She lives! I will be talking to her tomorrow! 'w'!
*sigh!* More good news, my therapist has returned. She lives! I will be talking to her tomorrow! 'w'!
Unknown Status Condition
Posted a year agoYou ever play a game where your status conditions are hidden and you have to figure out which is affecting you? Moving slower... Broken leg? Poison? A disease? Interesting concept... But I can one up that... That's just reality! Whee! ...
I have all the symptoms except two for chronic heart failure. The fact that the sepsis had reached my heart when I had it is a sign I might be... Well, dying. They claimed my heart was clear, but that doesn't mean complications can arise after the antibiotics come off. I'll be talking to my doctor soon about this, and if I am in constant pain, I will go to the ER. It is not confirmed, it could all be coincidental... I will find out when I get checked out soon.
'Why are you posting this journal? You're going to make us worry!'
... I am scared. Not of dying... But of being forgotten. I'm unremarkable, and no one telling me in reassurance that they'll remember me will help. People lie all the time to make others feel better. I left no mark on the fandom, the world, and those individuals whom I have left a mark... It's usually traumatic or negative. Negativity is easily remembered, it's how we survive, it's how we learn from mistakes and learn to avoid toxins or dangers. Positivity are just highs we chase for rewards, but they never last... The human brain is really interesting... Still animals under the surface.
Even if I am not dying... I wanted to air out my fears, my trauma, and my worries. I know I shouldn't vent to people, let alone strangers on the internet... But I have no one to do so to right now...
I am in different types of pain. I am scared. I am sorry for all those I may harm, it is never my intent... I am a golem trying to live amongst people... But I don't know my own strength, as I crush a flower offered to me. I don't know my own size, as I accidentally crush pottery below my feet. I do not know how to understand... I do not actually fit in, nor will I ever. And I am sorry for that...
Those of you who are different, neurodivergent... You are not different from normal people. You cannot be compared to them. You are something else, and it is beautiful. The flaws in our brains... Are not flaws. They're different... And that which is different... Well, society fears it. Change is good... Evolution is good... Do not genetically stagnate... Less you reach the dead end sooner than later...
Grow. Understand. Change. And become great. For those of us who can't.
I have all the symptoms except two for chronic heart failure. The fact that the sepsis had reached my heart when I had it is a sign I might be... Well, dying. They claimed my heart was clear, but that doesn't mean complications can arise after the antibiotics come off. I'll be talking to my doctor soon about this, and if I am in constant pain, I will go to the ER. It is not confirmed, it could all be coincidental... I will find out when I get checked out soon.
'Why are you posting this journal? You're going to make us worry!'
... I am scared. Not of dying... But of being forgotten. I'm unremarkable, and no one telling me in reassurance that they'll remember me will help. People lie all the time to make others feel better. I left no mark on the fandom, the world, and those individuals whom I have left a mark... It's usually traumatic or negative. Negativity is easily remembered, it's how we survive, it's how we learn from mistakes and learn to avoid toxins or dangers. Positivity are just highs we chase for rewards, but they never last... The human brain is really interesting... Still animals under the surface.
Even if I am not dying... I wanted to air out my fears, my trauma, and my worries. I know I shouldn't vent to people, let alone strangers on the internet... But I have no one to do so to right now...
I am in different types of pain. I am scared. I am sorry for all those I may harm, it is never my intent... I am a golem trying to live amongst people... But I don't know my own strength, as I crush a flower offered to me. I don't know my own size, as I accidentally crush pottery below my feet. I do not know how to understand... I do not actually fit in, nor will I ever. And I am sorry for that...
Those of you who are different, neurodivergent... You are not different from normal people. You cannot be compared to them. You are something else, and it is beautiful. The flaws in our brains... Are not flaws. They're different... And that which is different... Well, society fears it. Change is good... Evolution is good... Do not genetically stagnate... Less you reach the dead end sooner than later...
Grow. Understand. Change. And become great. For those of us who can't.
Status Update
Posted a year agoMy therapist has a tumor on her pituitary gland... I haven't seen her since before my hospitalization. I haven't had much of a way to vent. Family are being... A pain...
I have a cough still, and lightheadedness... But that latter symptom might be from something unrelated to my sepsis. Chest pains remain, and will for the next 1 to 6 months.
My lab results returned. Other than elevated blood sugar (my bad... I ate a lot of sugar the other day...) It's all... Normal... Abnormally normal. By that I mean... For someone recovering from pneumonia and a septic infection that likely reached their heart... How the fuck am I perfectly stable in all those regards... It... Confounds me...
I have also studied what happened to me. I studied why they hospitalized me. I was going through severe sepsis, and it had reached my heart... That is why my heart had enzyme issues, it was fighting the infection. If I hadn't gone that night, I would've die within the next two days tops.
I had gotten pneumonia, which gave me sepsis. My brother contracted my pneumonia and was treated before it got bad. My mother contracted the same ailment, but only got bronchitis because she was vaccinated for pneumonia...
I feel... Awful... I got my treatment immediately, quickly, and hastily. I am on medicaid. They tried to not cover my stay because I wasn't on 'life saving equipment'... I have not heard back, nor been billed, since I got the letter. I assume the hospital fought to get paid (or is actively doing so.)
Seeing the recent news about Dragoneer... Seeing his symptoms... He had exactly what I did, but instead of sepsis, he developed something else... He likely had other complications to compound the problem. I feel so awful because he could've survived if the system wasn't weighted towards profits and greed and awful hoops you have to jump through just to get treatment! I'm... Angry... I don't get angry... I get sad, I get depressed, I get anxious, but I... Rarely get angry... I am frustrated... He was a good person who was doing better, he was learning, he was growing, at his own pace, but growing... I knew him in the furnet days... He was immature, he was dumb, he was silly, but he grew, he learned, and he made mistakes, but he tried to learn from them too. He didn't deserve this. If I could've given up my life for his... I would have, he has more importance than me to many more people... But... I don't know. I don't have all the facts. People spread misinformation... People lie to garner attention, people will actively and unknowingly cause complications to stories... But what I do know is... He still never deserved this... Fuck all the assholes who would spit upon this man, for I have always advocated that he has grown, he has become better, and he was a good person... Mistakes don't make a person... Their growth does. I know that more than anyone else... I hope he's found peace...
I am sorry. I am emotional... I accept death easily... If someone close to me passes, I just... Accept it... Dragoneer was not close to me, he wasn't even a friend... One time he made fun of me multiple times those many years ago... But yet... I feel anger... I feel sad... I am mourning for the first time in 23 years, since someone else close to me died... And I said I would accept fate as is...
... I want to fight against the world. It isn't fair. It could be fair, but selfish greedy people are destroying those they disagree with, those that are 'less than them'... ... *sigh*
...
...
I was told I am more of an eldritch horror or aberrant entity than a robot... ... Maybe I'll work with that... When I can think again...
I have a cough still, and lightheadedness... But that latter symptom might be from something unrelated to my sepsis. Chest pains remain, and will for the next 1 to 6 months.
My lab results returned. Other than elevated blood sugar (my bad... I ate a lot of sugar the other day...) It's all... Normal... Abnormally normal. By that I mean... For someone recovering from pneumonia and a septic infection that likely reached their heart... How the fuck am I perfectly stable in all those regards... It... Confounds me...
I have also studied what happened to me. I studied why they hospitalized me. I was going through severe sepsis, and it had reached my heart... That is why my heart had enzyme issues, it was fighting the infection. If I hadn't gone that night, I would've die within the next two days tops.
I had gotten pneumonia, which gave me sepsis. My brother contracted my pneumonia and was treated before it got bad. My mother contracted the same ailment, but only got bronchitis because she was vaccinated for pneumonia...
I feel... Awful... I got my treatment immediately, quickly, and hastily. I am on medicaid. They tried to not cover my stay because I wasn't on 'life saving equipment'... I have not heard back, nor been billed, since I got the letter. I assume the hospital fought to get paid (or is actively doing so.)
Seeing the recent news about Dragoneer... Seeing his symptoms... He had exactly what I did, but instead of sepsis, he developed something else... He likely had other complications to compound the problem. I feel so awful because he could've survived if the system wasn't weighted towards profits and greed and awful hoops you have to jump through just to get treatment! I'm... Angry... I don't get angry... I get sad, I get depressed, I get anxious, but I... Rarely get angry... I am frustrated... He was a good person who was doing better, he was learning, he was growing, at his own pace, but growing... I knew him in the furnet days... He was immature, he was dumb, he was silly, but he grew, he learned, and he made mistakes, but he tried to learn from them too. He didn't deserve this. If I could've given up my life for his... I would have, he has more importance than me to many more people... But... I don't know. I don't have all the facts. People spread misinformation... People lie to garner attention, people will actively and unknowingly cause complications to stories... But what I do know is... He still never deserved this... Fuck all the assholes who would spit upon this man, for I have always advocated that he has grown, he has become better, and he was a good person... Mistakes don't make a person... Their growth does. I know that more than anyone else... I hope he's found peace...
I am sorry. I am emotional... I accept death easily... If someone close to me passes, I just... Accept it... Dragoneer was not close to me, he wasn't even a friend... One time he made fun of me multiple times those many years ago... But yet... I feel anger... I feel sad... I am mourning for the first time in 23 years, since someone else close to me died... And I said I would accept fate as is...
... I want to fight against the world. It isn't fair. It could be fair, but selfish greedy people are destroying those they disagree with, those that are 'less than them'... ... *sigh*
...
...
I was told I am more of an eldritch horror or aberrant entity than a robot... ... Maybe I'll work with that... When I can think again...
I almost died
Posted a year agoI was just discharged from the hospital. I was sick for 8 days with less than 7 hours of sleep in that period, and barely any food. I went into the hospital to figure out why my cough wouldn't stop. If I hadn't gone in, I would've died after 2-ish more days. I had moderate pneumonia that would've become much worse... I am currently on antibiotics. I am tired. I am sad. Sorry.
The Day They Came
Posted a year agoYou may not have noticed. You may not have seen. You may not have heard. It is very likely, you never will... But they've arrived. Something is here... And people don't seem to understand what it means. I don't even understand what it means... But they are here...
I saw something in the corner of my eyes... Movement? No, something more abstract... Family say it's floaters, but those are certainly not floaters... They move with intent... Little dancing shapes that vanish when you turn to see them...
I saw something near the alley in the city... It moved faster than any cat or dog I can think of... But people think I thought I saw a raccoon... No raccoon moves like that, no animal moves like that... It is hunting for something...
I saw something underneath a car while shopping... It blinked at me, but I couldn't see it... I know it blinked, but had no physicality. It blinked... I know it did... I am being told to seek therapy...
I saw something in the woods... A wounded deer... Gentle and crying out... But it was off... Something was wrong... Then I saw... It fell dead... Beckoning me to investigate... But I know, I know I shouldn't... I didn't. I was a coward. I ran.
I saw something in the sky... Another person saw it too... Something flowing, something moving... But... We couldn't put it into words. Our heads hurt when we try to talk about it... But I cannot talk about it anymore... That other person... Never existed...
I saw something... They came... They are here... And I am sure others can see them... Hear them... Notice them... But they refuse to acknowledge... Less they end up like me...
There is something out there... And you may not have noticed it... Or maybe you have...
Maybe you have...
I saw something in the corner of my eyes... Movement? No, something more abstract... Family say it's floaters, but those are certainly not floaters... They move with intent... Little dancing shapes that vanish when you turn to see them...
I saw something near the alley in the city... It moved faster than any cat or dog I can think of... But people think I thought I saw a raccoon... No raccoon moves like that, no animal moves like that... It is hunting for something...
I saw something underneath a car while shopping... It blinked at me, but I couldn't see it... I know it blinked, but had no physicality. It blinked... I know it did... I am being told to seek therapy...
I saw something in the woods... A wounded deer... Gentle and crying out... But it was off... Something was wrong... Then I saw... It fell dead... Beckoning me to investigate... But I know, I know I shouldn't... I didn't. I was a coward. I ran.
I saw something in the sky... Another person saw it too... Something flowing, something moving... But... We couldn't put it into words. Our heads hurt when we try to talk about it... But I cannot talk about it anymore... That other person... Never existed...
I saw something... They came... They are here... And I am sure others can see them... Hear them... Notice them... But they refuse to acknowledge... Less they end up like me...
There is something out there... And you may not have noticed it... Or maybe you have...
Maybe you have...
Apologies
Posted a year agoI've been... spiraling a lot in life, at least... the player has been.
I've been distancing myself for my own emotional wellbeing. Sorry if this upset anyone, I sometimes need to take time to myself.
I'll be writing again soon... I think... Therapist says it's a good outlet for venting.
Ideas on the block are a micro (mouse or fox?), a special gal (feline? canine? dog?), and a Kerfuś (Is it already anthro if it's a trashcan shape..? Cat form? Weirdness?).
I've thought of drawing some too, but my art isn't... Arousing... To say the least.
I hope all of you are well. Thank you for your kind words last journal.
I've been distancing myself for my own emotional wellbeing. Sorry if this upset anyone, I sometimes need to take time to myself.
I'll be writing again soon... I think... Therapist says it's a good outlet for venting.
Ideas on the block are a micro (mouse or fox?), a special gal (feline? canine? dog?), and a Kerfuś (Is it already anthro if it's a trashcan shape..? Cat form? Weirdness?).
I've thought of drawing some too, but my art isn't... Arousing... To say the least.
I hope all of you are well. Thank you for your kind words last journal.
I don't really fit in anywhere
Posted a year agoAfter years of analysis and study, after decades of trying to find a niche for me that I fit in, I don't fit anywhere.
I've had a few people questioning why I even upload my stuff when it's not visual art. Some actually being offensive about it, stating it's a waste of time.
I'm a trauma filled pile of garbage. This pushes people away, but I cannot win, because I've been beat up and abused so many times, my instincts kick in and I get paranoid. I have therapy, but it cannot stop reflexes from being harmed so much.
I am not ready for the real world, and I don't think I ever will be.
I'm sorry for the negativity. I'm sorry for hurting anyone without meaning to. I'm sorry for lying about what i enjoy just to keep friends. I'm sorry for being broken and abused. I'm sorry that I can't fit in anywhere.
I don't fit in anywhere. I'm just a lonely asshole who has too much depression to act normal.
The masks no longer work.
I'm sorry.
I've had a few people questioning why I even upload my stuff when it's not visual art. Some actually being offensive about it, stating it's a waste of time.
I'm a trauma filled pile of garbage. This pushes people away, but I cannot win, because I've been beat up and abused so many times, my instincts kick in and I get paranoid. I have therapy, but it cannot stop reflexes from being harmed so much.
I am not ready for the real world, and I don't think I ever will be.
I'm sorry for the negativity. I'm sorry for hurting anyone without meaning to. I'm sorry for lying about what i enjoy just to keep friends. I'm sorry for being broken and abused. I'm sorry that I can't fit in anywhere.
I don't fit in anywhere. I'm just a lonely asshole who has too much depression to act normal.
The masks no longer work.
I'm sorry.
