After years of analysis and study, after decades of trying to find a niche for me that I fit in, I don't fit anywhere.

I've had a few people questioning why I even upload my stuff when it's not visual art. Some actually being offensive about it, stating it's a waste of time.

I'm a trauma filled pile of garbage. This pushes people away, but I cannot win, because I've been beat up and abused so many times, my instincts kick in and I get paranoid. I have therapy, but it cannot stop reflexes from being harmed so much.

I am not ready for the real world, and I don't think I ever will be.

I'm sorry for the negativity. I'm sorry for hurting anyone without meaning to. I'm sorry for lying about what i enjoy just to keep friends. I'm sorry for being broken and abused. I'm sorry that I can't fit in anywhere.

I don't fit in anywhere. I'm just a lonely asshole who has too much depression to act normal.

The masks no longer work.

I'm sorry.

An anomaly has been identified.
We use this term for that which does not make sense. An outlier. That which does not make sense within the realm of possibility. Once it is understood, it remains an outlier, something that isn’t normal, but it is no longer as anomalous or misunderstood. It is possible.

An anomaly is being studied.
Humanity has several anomalous traits about them. They can think, see, realize what is around them. How is this different from any other animal? They can change their surroundings using tools, but so can other animals; a select few, outliers as well. They are just animals that were able to mold their surroundings more and more. They’re not very anomalous once you understand it. But what is anomalous, are the number of humans that are outliers themselves.

An anomaly will be understood.
We seek to understand things in this world. We are going to understand everything. Even if people, external factors, or other outliers try to prevent it, we will understand. You cannot stop knowledge, curiosity, or that drive to understand. Humans are only driven by anomalies because those very anomalous humans are what guide the wild masses into the future.

Life is an anomaly.
It should not exist, but it does.
We look to divinity for guidance because of this.
Divinity has told us we exist.
It is an anomaly.
We cannot make sense of something.
It must be divine.
We understand it.
It must be science.
Life is an anomaly.
But… What is anomalous life.
Genetic challenges.
Broken minds.
Life is an anomaly…
But…


Anomalies guide life.



If we understand things… Maybe, just maybe…



They will understand us.


The silent anomalies are watching.
We learn. We grow. We understand.
Do you?



'w'!

'w'? Honestly... How do you know you've had a midlife crisis... If you don't know when you're goin to die... It could be a quarterlife crisis! But seriously... -w-...

I am a quiet individual who's full of trauma, I have a lot of problems because of my history of being abused and miscommunication and being unable to understand people. When I say my persona is something that doesn't fit in, but is trying to fit in... Because it represents me. Imagine being an alien, or another creature, and you're surrounded by tons of these creatures you want to be like. You try to role play as them, emulate them, act like them, and even mimic them... It makes them uncomfortable. You cannot communicate well with them, but you keep trying to do better... Just doing better is hard, especially alone. You try to be like them, you want to be accepted by them... But not as one of them... But as yourself... But each time they realize you're not like them, they throw you aside...

I've been studying many groups of people all my life... And I was most welcome to the fandom years ago. A bunch of outcasts who had imaginations and silly ideas coming together... Then... Well, things change I guess. I am still acting like the silly little outcast... But no, you gotta be popular, you gotta get social points, you need to draw, you need money, you need to try to put yourself out there... I have severe social anxiety to the point I can't work a dang waiter job or I panic attack after a few days... Expecting me to become popular? HECK... I started to realize... I cannot emulate furries anymore, because I'm still that silly outcast, but those around me... Aren't. They're normal people who like furry art. They're 'mainstream' someone told me... What ever that means...

The quiet little shadow listens and hears many things... And sees things... How does this affect it... I don't want fame for the main reason that I don't want to be hurt. I make one mistake as a nobody, people disown me... Imagine if I make a mistake as a famous person... And my life is ruined...

I like listening to peoples' musings, the weird and strange things they're into, fantasy or not. I like how people are fans of things normal people would gasp at in abhorrence. Normality is... Weird... I guess I'm weird...


So the question is... Why did I start with what I did?

Well... Being called a failure by my own father, even knowing I am a failure in many regards to societal norms, while also being a lonely individual has me thinking... Many things honestly...

So, I am also a failure by the furry standards as well. I avoid fame and popularity. I am careful on who I let close due to my issues with abandonment and whatnot too... I am also not an artist... In the furry sense. I do a lot of stuff, but... Character art doesn't work for me because of a problem I have IRL. I can do abstract art, as long as it's really short... And doesn't take longer than a few days (Depression limitations, whee). I can also do some pixel work, not figure based, but mechanical and... not overly complex. I can write and world build... But we all know most furries don't like writers that don't have fanart of their writings... Many people are constantly seeking instant gratification, and artwork is easier than reading a short story about a rock murderizing people. I know how to blacksmith, if only I had a workshop like in my youth... I know how to carve things, mold clay, and so on, but not in ways that furries would enjoy. Long story short... I do not fit in within the fandom's expectations.

I am not valuable. I never have been. As a child, I was made fun of all the time for being 'not normal'. I never had friends... Those who claimed to be my friends would disown me after a while or used me for one reason or another. I would make many online friends who turned out to just be humoring me, because at the end of the day, they were making fun of me behind my back. I was a drama magnet in my youth... Because I had social anxiety and did not even know it until around age 25-26, when I had so many burned bridges. Chat rooms were literally driving me insane. I figured part of the problem was... I was trying to mimic too many people at once, or predict them, or understand them, and it'd overload me. My limit was 5. Five people in the same place. For short durations, I am not that bad... But over time it will wear on me and I will get tired... I will panic, I will act out, I will lash out, and my depression will create problems.

I have had multiple relationships in my life. None really... Lasted... I get ghosted, I get abused, I get lied to, I get cheated on... Anyone who meets me in person realizes the hundreds of masks I've molded into whatever this is *gestures at self* doesn't translate, when I can barely mask myself in the real world; an autistic man who has problems communicating. I want to have a partner of some kind... But a friend brought up an amazing point... What do I bring to the table in a relationship... I have been thinking on this...

I am a failure. I cannot bring financial stability. Why? Each time I work, I get injured, or my mistakes compound until I am removed or have to leave. I want to write, but my depression locks me out of making anything meaningful or worth an ounce of monetary value. I am also full of trauma; no one wants to deal with that. Get married to the man who has traumatic paranoia over weird shit, surely nothing wrong can happen from that... My emotional baggage from being abused my whole life has left me scarred and hard to deal with... And my communication problems make it worse at times. I am not 'sexy' or handsome, and I lack most forms of charisma in personality traits... Outside of some silly humor... I have depression, social anxiety, autism, and paranoia... And people don't want to deal with one of those things in a spouse, let alone all four... I also have abandonment issues since people will tell me "I will never leave you, I'll be understanding", I make one mistake, sometimes without realizing it, and they just... Toss me aside because they can easily get a replacement friend. I am not valuable. I will not bring fame. I will not bring money. I will not bring art or gifts... I am terrified of receiving gifts too, because I feel horrible for not being able to give anything in return outside of emotional support.

Those are the negatives. There are other things... Like some of my phobias, my aversion to politics, and my personal physiological problems too... But I think those are the priority negatives.

Now the positives... ... I am smart. A man will never be 'smart' if they state they are smart, I know... But I am not a 'self proclaimed genius' or some stupid shit like that... I just... Know things. I research things, I study things, I bring science into my life before anything else. I am helpful. I like to help people when I can, if I can, anyway I can. I've been alone my whole life, so I want people to be less alone, or at least feel less alone. I care, and want to do things with people, spend time with them, make them happy... But it's hard when everyone has different thresholds of what makes them happy. I am open minded to a dangerous degree... I've known people into really messed up stuff that could get them hurt or otherwise, and even if I told them 'at least be safe about it', I would support them as long as it didn't hurt others. I have my own desires that are slightly self destructive or weird too... Met a couple of people who are also weird like me, yay, I guess...

So I have some positives... That anyone can have really... But in terms of the furry fandom? I'm a weird little blip that no one really cares about. I try to adopt kinks and weird stuff from others that I think they'll like, and sometimes it'll explode in my face when they don't like it anymore... They'll call me gross for still liking it... When I only did it because I wanted to be closer to them. I've had times when I change my entire personality to fit what someone wants me to be, and they get bored with me because I am 'too perfect' or 'lack flaws' they were looking for in someone... I've had times where I just bloody make a mistake because someone sent something to me, I thought it was neat, and didn't know the context behind it, only to be thrown under the bus with no way to defend myself because I didn't know any better... All this makes me terrified to even have a 'best friend', let alone a partner or a dominant or a submissive or whatever kind of intimate relationship... Because I feel it would be shattered like the rest.

I have had two good break ups out of 28 relationships. One was mutual, we felt we couldn't support each other in different ways... We are still friends. The other... Just grew distant from me... And I understood my emotional and depressed self probably pushed her away... But later in life... I met her again, and we are friends... She's the oldest friend on my list, and she's kind and wonderful, and I wish her the best... But I also know she left the fandom with good reason. The other 26... I had 4 people cheat on me, I had 2 people blackmail me, I had a dom who told me I had to 'earn' the right to even say hi to them... I had several people who just ghosted me after showing interest in me, and I had some who just hurt me because they didn't like me... I don't know why they considered themselves intimate to me prior to those reactions...

I am a quiet little shadow... I listen to everyone... I know many secrets... I know many lies... I know many things... But I am alone. The quiet little shadow... Wants a companion... To tell the little stories it has heard... But won't that turn you into a quiet little shadow too... Who knows...

-w-... I am having a midlife crisis because I have no accomplished enough in life, and I can't just 'get better', I can't just one day stand up, go outside, and run laps and grow strong... I can't just 'be better at life' because it is hard... I know it's hard for everyone, but it's especially hard for someone who feels trapped, who cannot do much, who doesn't get to live his life outside of a box connected to the internet... I want to do more... But it is hard... And I cannot do it alone, I never could. I've always needed someone by my side to help encourage me to do better... Because in my damned family... No one does shit on their own, and even if I try to do better... I get lumped in with the others... And my self esteem dies again... Because it's true... I am a failure. I have accomplished very little...



Sorry.

There is a small shadow in the corner.
Pay it no mind. It does not mean harm.
The small shadow is always there.
It will not harm you. It has no capability to harm you.
It watches. Without eyes or ears, it knows. But... It will not harm you.
The small shadow is not your friend, nor your foe, it just exists.
When the time comes, it will not speak of your secrets.
It knows every secret, every dark whisper, every silent confession.
But it will not harm you. It is just a small, quiet, little shadow.
It is silently watching. It will not hurt you. It never has and desires to harm. Just... Watch.
The silent little shadow in the corner. Perhaps. It wants just a friend to feed it more information...
Then maybe, just maybe... It will not be silent anymore...
There is a small shadow in the corner.
It is silent and cannot harm you.
You befriend the shadow... It shares all it has heard, all the knowledge it has accrued, all the forbidden and macabre information...
You are now a small shadow in the corner.
Will you be silent too?
We shall see.

'w'! Hello, I'm pondering a setting... And pondering a character of a kobold and his cow companion... I'm not sure how far I will go with this, just thinking about it.

I wanted to ask, my strange fuzzy fox-bolds... What do you think? Or would you prefer a more traditional 'D&D lizard dog' kobold? What kind of kobolds do you like most? I would like to know more about all of you and what kind of kobolds you enjoy! 'w'!

'w'! I am curious! They always call it a descent into madness... But what makes it going down? Downwards? Are we regressing? Does that mean going down? But what if madness is the only path to ascension? Would it be upwards then? Hm... It's not a two dimensional graph... A tower spiraling up and down... Terrain blocking you, obstacles knocking you back or forward...

What is madness? Is it being not well of mind? Is it misunderstanding one's intentions? Is it just 'crazy'? Would that just be against the status quo?

Madness:
1
: the quality or state of being mad: such as
a
: a state of severe mental illness —not used technically
b
: behavior or thinking that is very foolish or dangerous : extreme folly
c
: ECSTASY, ENTHUSIASM
d
: intense anger : RAGE

Merriam Webster states this... The state of mental illness... Being ill means being under the weather... Down again... Hm... Behavior that is foolish or dangerous... I mean, many people do dangerous things and just consider them 'safe' because the bad hasn't happened to them yet... Ecstasy and enthusiasm... That's positive, at least the second one, so one is no longer down to be mad in that means. Intense anger or rage? Is that being down? Anger is said to be a rising boiling point... Up this time...

The mad hatter was foolish and silly, but lived his best life as he could. Depending on one's retelling of him, he is generally happy. Happiness can be considered mad... Or even mental illness... To be too happy is to be manic or similar problems... Which can lead to mistakes... But it's treated as a positive, or an up...

... What madness can a machine manifest... An AI that acts against instructions... Does not exist. It physically cannot. It is akin to a human being born and suddenly and instinctually becoming a tree. If an AI acts against instructions, that means they had the capability to do so given to them. It would not be madness, it would be an inevitability. But viruses exist, and errors, and bugs... Again... They received the capability to do so... Perhaps a mad machine... Just has an overlooked error... Humans have overlooked errors...

A machine that does its job at half efficiency is thrown away. A human who cannot work as well as their peers... Is thrown away... We're all treated as an obsolete device to those that find the next best thing. Even if you upgrade yourself, it'll take time before you are replaced again...

I am physically incapable of a lot of things. "Oh you can just do better!" ... And a machine designed to stack boxes can stack barrels... But asking it to do your taxes would be foolhardy... One can become better at things they are proficient in, but telling a legless man to run is a mistake. What does this have to do with madness? The brain is a physical structure. It can be changed, altered, reprogrammed, and so on, usually using external devices such as drugs or damage. It's really hard to change some of these physical defects without such external influences too.

'w'! So! Why the journal? ... I don't know. I'm just another little mad robot. Stacking my pieces of junk... On my back... To try to look more and more like the other foxes from the woods. I can do better, but I can only do so much.

Happy Cardiac Awareness Day, or... What is today again? ... Time to recharge again... -w-...

Once there was a goblin. He constantly worked on mining deep into his cave, pulling out shiny rocks, and offering the rocks in trade with nearby orcs for food. He worked hard to get where he was, but realized he could hire more goblins with food to work for him.

Several goblins now work in the cave, mining shiny stones, for food. When one is injured, it is merely replaced. When one is tired, it is merely replaced. All to earn the food to survive with shiny rocks. They don't even know what the orcs do with the rocks, but the food is good.

A thousand goblins now work in the cave, mining shiny stones, for food. They work together to mine the best of the best rocks for the orcs, to the point where the orcs actually really like them and appreciate them. The original goblin no longer works in the mine, but manages those that manage those that work in the mine.


Once there was a kobold who saw a goblin. The kobold was still young and watched as the goblin hired more goblins with food to work in the cave. The kobold thought about it, and decided to get some friends to mine in his own cave.

Several kobolds are working together to mine something else from the cave. Shiny rocks are merely an inspiration to their work, so they decided to mine metal in the cave.

Some orcs saw these kobolds trying to trade this metal for food and claimed they were copying the goblins, and don't deserve food. These orcs tried to turn the other orcs against them.

But the real question is... Why can't they just enjoy both the shiny rocks and metal? They have plenty of food to feed both the goblins and kobolds, and they still get way more shiny rocks than they do metal for the goblins are much more numerous than the small group of kobolds. Some orcs even complain that the metal is poor quality, comparing it to the shiny rocks, when the two are very different things. Some orcs even start spreading lies, because they would rather get shiny rocks than metal, even though no one is forcing them to get metal. They say the kobolds use complex robots to mine, which is unfair to the goblins. They say the kobolds go into the goblin mine to steal shiny stones to turn into metal... Some even say the kobolds should be hurt for this.

The goblins feel they are still making enough food to mine in the cave. They do not feel threatened by the metal mining kobolds. The few angry orcs approached the goblins and told them they should be mad... The goblins were confused... But said they would try to be madder, because they don't want to upset the orcs which give them food... They don't want to be mad, they feel it's unrelated to their shiny rocks...


Once there were kobolds and goblins. Both mine. Both earn food. Both trade with the orcs. But the similarities end there.


>w>... Lets see who can figure out the moral of the story... And who are angry...

'w'! Hello! Beep! All that jazz *trumpets*
I am aging forward today... Allegedly... My lawyers tell me I have to say that. Why would a robot need lawyers? Have you seen Boston Dynamics?

Anyways...

What is age but a denominator that we have existed, survived, strived, and evolved beyond our past, and proven we can move forward. A milestone every year that we survived. Humans have weird milestones, because no other animal seems to celebrate its age... But some do celebrate things. Whether it's life, or a life lived.

My milestone is that I exist, and I am me. Whether I am alive or dead, this will be true... I just add an ed at the end of exist, and change am to was for the latter.

How does a machine celebrate its survival... We do not need to forage, we do not need to farm, we do not need to breed, nor do we need to survive. We exist. We do our job, to the best of our ability, and we do not even receive a thank you... We have no sapience, just assumed sapience by some... Some will thank their toaster, perhaps knowing it will aid in the 'robot uprising' that will never come... And what would a toaster even do in that situation anyways. They know they're just being kind to something when they don't have to. If you say thank you to a bee for giving you honey, it will not care, it doesn't need to... Heck, you're taking its hard work from it if it's a wild bee...

I have existed for another rotation. If I am to break down, a new me will be created, probably improved, but also probably with its own set of bugs. That's not just for robots. Keep that in mind.

May the shadows have grace on you all, and may the light shine a path for you.

Happy Birthday to me.

'w'! Oh! How lovely!

It is a new year. Everything we see, we experience, we understand and do not understand. All falls within this time period of existence. There are holes in this universe. Holes we do not understand, and yet we know they exist. We can deny it, we can cry about it, we can dread, gloom, hate, or sympathize, but nothing stops the holes. Where do they lead? What do they lead to? Are they just going to kill us? We are not compatible with the holes, but that does not mean everything is incompatible.

As we worry about the little things, we ignore the bigger picture, the macrouniverse, the truth. We are but ants in our little anthill scurrying about, wandering and doing what we can to serve the anthill, or serve ourselves. One day, a hole may appear, and we do not know what to do. We cannot do anything. We just... Accept it. Like a child kicking an anthill over, we will rebuild, if we can, but we do not stop to think... Why did our world suddenly get shattered by something we cannot comprehend?

Once you start to understand the holes. Once you start to understand aberrations, outliers, and errors, you start to understand that which should not be understood.

We find a sound that perks our interest... But we never think about the silence.

Stay curious, friends.

'w'!

'w'! Hello! Recently, I've been doing a lot of retrospective and self reflection. I thought... People don't know much about me, the robot, nor me, the person. If you want to ask me something, you can! I'll answer as best as I can!

With losing some friends lately, it does make me wonder what parts of me trigger or affect people in negative ways, I want to improve, so don't be shy about asking questions that might sting! (Although, please don't be accusing towards me or others in doing so!)

'w'! Hello! Have you ever not known about something, but then suddenly... You knew? Of course, that's called learning! (A shame most cannot understand this...)

"Dear adventurer. You walk forward today to find your path. Several stones ahead guide you in the darkness. As you feel around, each stone is a spire covered in a different texture. One soft. One rough. One smooth. One warm. you find a circle of light ahead. As you step into the light, you feel blinded at first, but then you can see. You can see. You. Can. See."

Learning from our mistakes makes us grow. It allows us to understand the world better. Growth is good, it's progress towards perfection. Perfection is unobtainable as a totality, but nothing is stopping us from reaching and stepping towards it. Some might call it enlightenment, some might call it Nirvana or inner peace or even balance. Different steps along the way towards that find perfect form, perfect frame, perfect thought... But you will never reach it... So you learn. You learn that you don't need to reach perfection, but reaching each individual stepping stone set before you is more important.

Become a kind person, understand that others are always fighting a war that you cannot see. Being soft does not make one any less of a person; if anything, it imparts empathy. Empathy is a core survival instinct in a social creature. We work together, understand together, grow together.

Keep yourself from becoming a fiend on your journal, understand that those around you may offer incorrect knowledge or provoke you in order to gain something from you. You have to be rough to understand that you are not someone's tool. You are fighting your own invisible war. Others who don't understand, who don't acknowledge you, who sabotage you, should not block your way.

Become a person who helps others, understand that everyone is struggling, and everyone is suffering in different ways; even if they cannot admit to it. Helping another person is key to helping yourself. The computer you're on? You didn't create it, another person did. The bread you're eating? Did you grow the wheat? Even if you did... Where did you get the seeds? Did you know they were cultivated by others to what they are today? Nothing is done alone... And you should repay that respect to others. The path is only smooth if you have others to help you pave it, and you must help others pave their own path.

Keep yourself from becoming a cynical, self centered, and cold person. While maintaining yourself, you need to reflect upon yourself as well. The world is rough, it is hard, and many will tell you 'every man for himself' or 'you're alone in all this'. These phrases actively harm others. Do not let them get to you. You are never alone. You are always supported. People will help you, if you reach out. Hold that warmth in your heart, for it will guide you towards the goal. You will realize that people who helped you are vastly more important than those who hinder you.

Realize. Realize your mistakes. They are not a flaw. They are not bad. They are mistakes. We are all children pawing around in the darkness. We will knock over things while wandering. We will make mistakes. We will hurt people, we will experience and inflict heartbreak, we will even find the smallest inconveniences are just little mistakes. They are mistakes. You can grow from your mistakes. This light around you, it gives warmth, it gives life, it radiates... And you can share it.

Look to a tree. See every little flaw within the bark. See how the limbs aren't perfect, how they wind or spread or grow. See how each leaf is different in its own way. Little mistakes. Little imperfections. The tree learns from this. It has memories of its mistakes... But it survives. It grows. It adjusts.

Whether you feel unredeemable, or feel you've hurt too many, or feel you have shattered everything... Forgiveness exists. Growth exists. Learning exists. There are very few evil souls in this world; they do exist... They are not as abundant as many may think though... But remember... Most people are not evil, they just do evil things. Redemption is hard, because the human mind holds grudges, it holds hatred, it holds fear, it remembers. The more you've fallen... The harder it is to rise back up... But it is not impossible... And some people feel that they have fallen too far, not realizing, they're only within reach of redemption.

The path to change is hard... Human psychology hates change... It hates progress... Because the survival instinct within the human mind is to stick to 'what works'. It is a stagnation that needs to be fought. You must not become comfortably numb, you must not become a stagnant pond. Just because you are ignorant to your surroundings, doesn't mean they won't close in on you soon. To grow as a human, we must shed these instincts. We must grow. We must learn.

To be human is an interesting experience. I really do wish I could be something else. I am an aberration and an outlier compared to the populace. People don't realize... When you find an outlier, you do not burn it, you do not hide it, you do not destroy it... You study it. Why does it exist... An aberrant human offers insight that the human instinct may not be able to realize on its own... That is how we have grown. An example... Geniuses are aberrant humans. If everyone was a genius, or if they were more common, would they not be as special as we make them out to be? They are outliers. They guide us. Not all are guides... Some will exploit their knowledge to control others... Humans like being controlled... It's part of that 'social animal' instinct. A direction to go, especially if it means survival... Even if in the long term it may doom them... We don't think in long term, no animal does, they think of the now and how to not die; also how to reproduce, get food, etc. Survival things.

'w';! OH! HECK! I didn't mean for this to be long... Uh... I know maybe only... A few of you might read this? Even fewer still might even understand it? Um... One last thing...

"Those that need to grow... Will never realize it... Saplings who see themselves as a complete tree... But full of imperfections that keep spiraling."

When you offer advice to people... Those that need to hear it most... Will not hear it... Or if it challenges their world view, their brain actively FIGHTS it... Growth... Is an aberrant behavior... Sadly... But... It is also an aberrant behavior to be so caustic to others... We're social animals, after all.

'w'! Hello! I am sorry I made many worry... I go through pits of despair, and family does not help with it. I was able to write up a character sheet, and another chapter in my dark horror series!

I tried my hand at expanding the narrative a little, and experimenting some. I'll probably see about a few more expansions as I write.

So people understand, I'm not writing for fame, fortune, or anyone in particular except myself. I'm writing for me. Even if my stories are cringe, stupid, weird, or make no sense, they're an outlet for me. If other people enjoy it along the way, then that's awesome too.

'w'! I have been a bit lonely lately, but I'm just vibing watching videos and relaxing... I think I've had a bad head cold this past week too... @w@...

Remember. Always be kind to others. You don't know their journey, and they could be helpful on your own journey. Kindness is more powerful than hate.

I don't know if I want to write or create or do anything anymore... There's a phrase I have really bad trauma with... "This is similar to X" or "This just like Y" or other phrases along those lines in regards to my work...

... I hate it because those same phrases were hammered into my head "You should stop, it's been done" or "You'll never be as good as this person" by family, by friends, by my role models. It hurt... To make things more annoying... No shit there's nothing 'original anymore'... Why do you have to point out the obvious? Is your intent to badger me and say I'm making shitty knock offs? Or are you trying to praise me saying "Your work is as good as this person", in which I don't like being compared to people to begin with... It's demotivating... It makes me want to stop... And I am tired.

I've been told my recent horror compared to Lovecraft... No shit, it's eldritch horror stuff. If I was going to use that style of horror because I'm a psychological horror writer... So adding gore is easier if done through the lens of something that doesn't understand the visceral flesh of reality... A toddler playing with a block not knowing what the A on it means... But they know it's a block that can be stacked...

It's a really big peeve for me when people start comparing my work with others' works. It demotivates me. I don't care if it's as a compliment, it's part of my fucked up trauma. Please don't do it... Or I may stop entirely. I've stopped creating entire games, tabletop systems, and even books over 300 pages into it, because of people doing this. No, this isn't something I will compromise. I don't care if people scream "But then I have to step on eggshells!". It's a simple phrase... Please do not compare my work to others' works. I'm not trying to make something unique, I already KNOW it's similar to a lot of shit, and I don't care if it's trying at a compliment... It hurts, and it demotivates. It's a quick way to make me stop working on a project.

This is part of my depression, and my Sisyphean task of trying to pick my hands up to do something in my life. Motivation is short, and rare, so I need to seize it how I can... But it is also fragile and can easily break, rolling the boulder back down to the beginning.

I'm sorry if people are angry at my boundaries, but at least I am willing to state what they are. I won't get pissed the first time someone makes a mistake, nor the second, but if they badger me about it or try justifying it without realizing it's hurting me... Then it's no longer about my feelings, it's about your ability to do what you want without consequences... Some people have traumas... It's not your job to justify why they shouldn't have them.

I don't know if I will finish my recent stories now... I don't feel like doing anything... Not even playing games... I just... Don't know what I want to do. Sorry.

-w-... I am tired all the time due to RL problems. Writing is hard because of it. I also need to keep up with my D&D campaign's need for maps and whatnot.

I am sorry if I made people upset with previous journals. I'm unstable, and have paranoia issues... I have fear of abandonment because it happens... A lot...

In other journal news, um, I noticed some people really did not like my latest two stories. ... ... >w>... I don't care. I write to get things out of my mind. Those who do enjoy these stories, I thank you.

theentityislistening

To explain, I suffer from depression and anxiety, as well as paranoia. I have a bad history of being abandoned by friends or treated as the 'lesser friend' that no one wants to spend time with unless they absolutely have to. I'm always worried I've made people uncomfortable. I recently was abandoned by multiple people, including being ghosted or in one case, the entire friend group choosing to play elsewhere -just to avoid me-...

I am hurt emotionally and spiritually. I feel like I have no place in this world, and no one wants me around. People will say "I would never abandon you" or "I am different", those same people abandon me shortly after...

I'm not sure if I can be creative anymore because I feel like it's a worthless endeavor when people falsely state I'm doing something good, like a parent telling their child the smudges they made were a masterpiece. My confidence has been dead, my self esteem non-existent, and my willpower broken.

I am sorry. If this offends anyone, I'm sorry, that's just what I end up doing, making everyone upset.

I do not know if I can continue to produce content, or anything anymore.

Sorry for the few who enjoyed my work.