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Posted 10 years agohttps://www.kickstarter.com/project.....ew-renaissance
It is a kickstarter that is amazing. Picture a musical album that is as much visual as it is audio. Trust me, the idea is awesome! And a main player apart of this project is none other than Jake Kaufman! As in the guy who made most of the tunes in Shovel Knight, the Shantae series of games and others.
Go to this link,
https://virt.bandcamp.com/album/nur.....ingle-w-b-side
To hear and download for free two songs from it. They are awesome! Please spread the word about this! FA, Facebook, Twitter, whatever your social media. Everyone who watches me, this is an actual call to arms to share these links and get people nodding their heads at this shite!
It is a kickstarter that is amazing. Picture a musical album that is as much visual as it is audio. Trust me, the idea is awesome! And a main player apart of this project is none other than Jake Kaufman! As in the guy who made most of the tunes in Shovel Knight, the Shantae series of games and others.
Go to this link,
https://virt.bandcamp.com/album/nur.....ingle-w-b-side
To hear and download for free two songs from it. They are awesome! Please spread the word about this! FA, Facebook, Twitter, whatever your social media. Everyone who watches me, this is an actual call to arms to share these links and get people nodding their heads at this shite!
Brainstorming; it's what's for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Posted 12 years agoSo yeah, trying to think of small scale projects for publishing, as my main project is nowhere near ready to be written (too many details not hammered down, too much to finalize)
So yeah, brainstorming short story ideas, or at least trying to. As usual trying to beat the stress so I can focus, mind is a blur right now.
Thankfully a dear friend shall be loaning me some research materials so I can get a better understanding for what passes for par along such lines.
Gonna try to do something either tonight or tomorrow to keep myself sharp.
Hoping for the best, as things don't seem all roses and sunshine for me at this moment. A lot of frustration all at once, and an equal amount of fear to work through. Now that I no longer have good old reliable income, I have to make it happen as swiftly as humanly possible.
So yeah, brainstorming short story ideas, or at least trying to. As usual trying to beat the stress so I can focus, mind is a blur right now.
Thankfully a dear friend shall be loaning me some research materials so I can get a better understanding for what passes for par along such lines.
Gonna try to do something either tonight or tomorrow to keep myself sharp.
Hoping for the best, as things don't seem all roses and sunshine for me at this moment. A lot of frustration all at once, and an equal amount of fear to work through. Now that I no longer have good old reliable income, I have to make it happen as swiftly as humanly possible.
The end...
Posted 12 years agoThe end of one chapter, oft leads to the beginning of the next.
Well, I have lost my sole source of income, and am attempting to wrangle my brain to get into full gear and write something. Been a stressful year thus far, so far still stumbling, but am keeping an optimistic attitude, well...sorta ^^;
Been making progress with my brainstorming, but have had next to zero energy. Household is settling nicely, though times are still sorta lean.
Hoping that I can finally accomplish what I've been striving for all of these years. Trying to keep my mind on pleasant things, and keeping it out of territory that causes discomfort.
Accidentally got myself off of caffeine though. >.> But ceylon tea is so damned good, that it made me no longer want coffee, and too poor for soda. So, tea it is XD, at least I am consuming way less sugar these days.
Unfortunately, my smoking is way up these days. I try to control it, but with the stress, it becomes nearly impossible to do so effectively.
Trying to keep from lashing out over stresses of an honestly small nature. Instability is something I can ill afford at this point.
Now back to work thinking of things, and making ideas that work and weeding out ones that fail.
Edit: Working on the pantheon I've had in mind for a while now. Good to finally strive to put such out and finalize it at last.
Well, I have lost my sole source of income, and am attempting to wrangle my brain to get into full gear and write something. Been a stressful year thus far, so far still stumbling, but am keeping an optimistic attitude, well...sorta ^^;
Been making progress with my brainstorming, but have had next to zero energy. Household is settling nicely, though times are still sorta lean.
Hoping that I can finally accomplish what I've been striving for all of these years. Trying to keep my mind on pleasant things, and keeping it out of territory that causes discomfort.
Accidentally got myself off of caffeine though. >.> But ceylon tea is so damned good, that it made me no longer want coffee, and too poor for soda. So, tea it is XD, at least I am consuming way less sugar these days.
Unfortunately, my smoking is way up these days. I try to control it, but with the stress, it becomes nearly impossible to do so effectively.
Trying to keep from lashing out over stresses of an honestly small nature. Instability is something I can ill afford at this point.
Now back to work thinking of things, and making ideas that work and weeding out ones that fail.
Edit: Working on the pantheon I've had in mind for a while now. Good to finally strive to put such out and finalize it at last.
Well...
Posted 12 years agoIt is looking like we shall be losing power on the 24th. It shall become quite the interesting situation from here on.
To hope, to fathom, dare to dream or dream to dare?
Posted 12 years agoTo watch laid still the motions of highest skies, of lowest oceans. In the middle the motion invisible, a query on what such should align the clouds they soar, the fish they swim. But how does the rock move? When the earth does tremble and makes vehemence incontrovertible known, the rock is carried by such, but moves not on it's own. The clouds so finite and brittle, they do not last, the fish can move to and fro, but if they stop do they not cease? The rock considers nothing in it's stillness, or does it? To take a rock and toss it high, so that a kiss at last is met with sky, does this grant the wielder in a sense the designation of granter of miracles? So to when one bids rock may swim, even if it last until floor beneath water struck.
The fish asks of the rock, "Friend of mine how is it that you lay still, yet sense you still can I?" The rock contemplated before speaking, "I know this not, akin to my lack of heft nor lift, nor an appendage that would oblige me such." The fish being a caring sort, carried the rock in it's mouth to shore. "Thank you kindly," Said rock to fish, "If not for you, than surely I would never have seen the sun again. Come, sit with me and let us speak of much."
"Alas, friend, I cannot, for I would surely perish were I to leave my home and sit anywhere for very long at all."
The rock sat still watching the clouds dance and shift in the sky. Tried as he might to speak to them, the clouds could not respond for very long before shifting into something else entirely.
Rain cascaded into the ocean, islands of loam became covered in foam, as the rock sat still and watched. Before he'd known it, the island had ported upon a newly formed deserted subcontinent, sands they twisted as serpents now hissed, and now were kindred of his at hand.
"What corner of the mother did you fall far from indeed?" Asked the pumice to the rock. "I've come from a shore with white sands and flora, beaches of fronds and cities of frauds. To what land do I find myself sit?"
"To bask under the same sun of Dumuzid's dream of flora dora and death. No blood to shed, none such as we must fear demise, such becomes paradise without threat of any kind."
Here and no further did our friend the rock sit, to discourse and thought with kin of such kind. To yearn no more for kindred, and to express so sublime, as contentment is the state that the rock is within.
The fish asks of the rock, "Friend of mine how is it that you lay still, yet sense you still can I?" The rock contemplated before speaking, "I know this not, akin to my lack of heft nor lift, nor an appendage that would oblige me such." The fish being a caring sort, carried the rock in it's mouth to shore. "Thank you kindly," Said rock to fish, "If not for you, than surely I would never have seen the sun again. Come, sit with me and let us speak of much."
"Alas, friend, I cannot, for I would surely perish were I to leave my home and sit anywhere for very long at all."
The rock sat still watching the clouds dance and shift in the sky. Tried as he might to speak to them, the clouds could not respond for very long before shifting into something else entirely.
Rain cascaded into the ocean, islands of loam became covered in foam, as the rock sat still and watched. Before he'd known it, the island had ported upon a newly formed deserted subcontinent, sands they twisted as serpents now hissed, and now were kindred of his at hand.
"What corner of the mother did you fall far from indeed?" Asked the pumice to the rock. "I've come from a shore with white sands and flora, beaches of fronds and cities of frauds. To what land do I find myself sit?"
"To bask under the same sun of Dumuzid's dream of flora dora and death. No blood to shed, none such as we must fear demise, such becomes paradise without threat of any kind."
Here and no further did our friend the rock sit, to discourse and thought with kin of such kind. To yearn no more for kindred, and to express so sublime, as contentment is the state that the rock is within.
Sometimes you just need to take a deep breath and...
Posted 12 years ago...let go. So yeah, because I am shit at being calm, I am trying to use strategic little moves to help myself achieve that state of mind ever so far away. Like acquiring some William Gibson novels on my kindle. Been meaning to dabble and immerse myself in some cyberpunk genre shite these days.
My insomnia has been doing way worse. And sleep has been rather tricky to acquire in my own bed, though it seems it has a weakness for Mythbusters when I'm laying on the couch XD Those guys are relaxing as fuck to watch when stressed.
Would kill for a bottle of coke that I owned >>; Scorp seriously, you're killing me with that unopened little bottle of goodness in the fridge XD
Anyway, trying to maintain a shite bit of sanity and mental stability trying not to think of the fact that I just haven't been able to write a damned thing of late due to, you guessed it, stress ^^;
Yeah, I have this mental image when I visualize myself trying to relax. You ever see someone make a really awkward and disturbing "strained" kind of face? I keep imagining that being the look upon my countenance when I am trying to relax, it takes so much goddamn effort ^^; can't I just write freely even if I feel like total shite? And why must my limbs feel like lead and not only prevent me from doing anything worth noting, but doing basic aspects of survival as well?
*sighs* So yeah, I am gonna smoke a cigarette (or twelve) and read Neuromancer while listening to Mythbusters on netflix. >>; 8:14 am, haven't slept yet, this journal has taken almost an hour to write...
Insomnia O_O
Posted 12 years agoSo yeah, hello folks. Today food shall finally be acquired...and I will not have slept by the time it occurs >>; Goddamn insomnia. *shrugs* Oh well, time to counter depression with caffeine and cigarettes.
Relationship Meme
Posted 12 years agoThis was taken from a journal by 
1. Who is your boyfriend/girlfriend?
My wife is
^^
2. How did you two meet?
In a message board started by my now ex-girlfriend.
3. When did y'all officially start dating?
We became a couple a few years after we had met online. To be precise she proposed to me.
4. Did you meet online?
>.> This question needs to be earlier on this list. But to answer, yes we met online as previously stated.
5. What attracted you the most to him/her?
Her attitude actually. She was the nicest person I'd ever met, she was also the happiest. I didn't see what she looked like for a while into knowing her, but I remember when i saw her face on webcam, she is very pretty ^^
6. Is he/she what you expected?
To be honest I never expected to find a woman who would be so warm and loving as well as caring. I'd just expected more of what I'd experienced through my ex. Being cheated on continuously and lied to. So, technically no, she isn't what I expected, because she is much better than that.
7. Did you have sex on your first date?
No. And to be specific, we became engaged without dating. We had been close friends for years however, and already knew the other quite well. But we did not have sex until much later in our relationship.
8. Are you two freaks in bed?
>w> Wouldn't YOU like to know?
9. Do you live with them?
Yes.
10. Are they snugglers?
Yes, and also a hugger.
11. What was the last compliment they gave you?
My wife likes to overwhelm me with compliments as she knows I have a very bad mental view of myself. She says them in very silly ways, but she means the compliments even if it sounds like she is just joking.
12. How long have you been dating?
Seven years we've been together ^^
13. Would you spend the rest of your life with them?
Yes. Easily.
14. When will you see them next?
*turns head to left* Just did. XD
15. What interests do you share?
We love art, philosophy, video games, cultures outside of America, foreign music, books, reading and writing, foreign languages, comedy, old movies, anime as well as domestic cartoons, food (cooking and eating XD ), swimming, walking, My Wife loves Tarkan and it is all my fault XD but I also love his music.
16. Is there something you regret?
I've no regrets, but I also still have plenty of opportunities ^^
17. What was the last thing he/she gave you?
A hug XD
18. What was the last thing you gave them?
XD A hug in return.
19. Are they willing to sacrifice for you?
She has many times over, as have I for her.
20. Have they given you a ring?
We have given each other one, yes. Though mine no longer fits on my ring finger, so I have to wear it on my middle finger ^^;
And here is the Tarkan song I was listening to much to my wife's enjoyment XD
1. Who is your boyfriend/girlfriend?
My wife is
^^2. How did you two meet?
In a message board started by my now ex-girlfriend.
3. When did y'all officially start dating?
We became a couple a few years after we had met online. To be precise she proposed to me.
4. Did you meet online?
>.> This question needs to be earlier on this list. But to answer, yes we met online as previously stated.
5. What attracted you the most to him/her?
Her attitude actually. She was the nicest person I'd ever met, she was also the happiest. I didn't see what she looked like for a while into knowing her, but I remember when i saw her face on webcam, she is very pretty ^^
6. Is he/she what you expected?
To be honest I never expected to find a woman who would be so warm and loving as well as caring. I'd just expected more of what I'd experienced through my ex. Being cheated on continuously and lied to. So, technically no, she isn't what I expected, because she is much better than that.
7. Did you have sex on your first date?
No. And to be specific, we became engaged without dating. We had been close friends for years however, and already knew the other quite well. But we did not have sex until much later in our relationship.
8. Are you two freaks in bed?
>w> Wouldn't YOU like to know?
9. Do you live with them?
Yes.
10. Are they snugglers?
Yes, and also a hugger.
11. What was the last compliment they gave you?
My wife likes to overwhelm me with compliments as she knows I have a very bad mental view of myself. She says them in very silly ways, but she means the compliments even if it sounds like she is just joking.
12. How long have you been dating?
Seven years we've been together ^^
13. Would you spend the rest of your life with them?
Yes. Easily.
14. When will you see them next?
*turns head to left* Just did. XD
15. What interests do you share?
We love art, philosophy, video games, cultures outside of America, foreign music, books, reading and writing, foreign languages, comedy, old movies, anime as well as domestic cartoons, food (cooking and eating XD ), swimming, walking, My Wife loves Tarkan and it is all my fault XD but I also love his music.
16. Is there something you regret?
I've no regrets, but I also still have plenty of opportunities ^^
17. What was the last thing he/she gave you?
A hug XD
18. What was the last thing you gave them?
XD A hug in return.
19. Are they willing to sacrifice for you?
She has many times over, as have I for her.
20. Have they given you a ring?
We have given each other one, yes. Though mine no longer fits on my ring finger, so I have to wear it on my middle finger ^^;
And here is the Tarkan song I was listening to much to my wife's enjoyment XD
A new beginning.
Posted 12 years ago Well, I have removed my last journal, and shall be editing several previous ones. Why? Well to put it simply, they were not worth posting. The last one was downright petty. And a person was offended by it, and rightfully so. I shall not be posting about such any further out of respect.
Edit: Missed one journal, deleted it.
Edit: Missed one journal, deleted it.
A wild writing contest has appeared. (Update)
Posted 12 years agoKabalraven used brainstorm.
The writing contest used deadline, 39 damage.
Kabalraven used contest entry, the attack was super effective, 153 damage.
The wild writing contest has fainted.
Alright, enough jokes, I found info of a writing contest in my list of journals from other people. The deadline is late June (Actually it is late July, but the person stated specifically he/she wanted them preferably before June 23rd. Potential to win an amazon gift card, but mostly, I just...I need this right now.
Things are looking kind of grim for my household unless something changes swiftly.
So, aside from our need for a housemate (We will be searching a new for one if the current candidate cannot get his transfer through soon, as if we wait much longer there won't be a household to move into.)
So yeah... I need to enter this contest. Winning would feel good, but in my mental state, I feel it is pushing it to dare to dream of such success. And short story entries are accepted, so who knows, maybe I'll be able to hammer something special out in a short time? >__>; Fuck, who am I kidding? With my luck, it'll be a fucking miracle if I can wrack my brain and actually finish something...
UPDATE: Well, I have developed an idea for my contest entry and am beginning to outline/develop it. Got the characters named, one of them has a species, deciding on the other. Wish me luck, as I fully intend to possibly have a first draft by night's end.
The writing contest used deadline, 39 damage.
Kabalraven used contest entry, the attack was super effective, 153 damage.
The wild writing contest has fainted.
Alright, enough jokes, I found info of a writing contest in my list of journals from other people. The deadline is late June (Actually it is late July, but the person stated specifically he/she wanted them preferably before June 23rd. Potential to win an amazon gift card, but mostly, I just...I need this right now.
Things are looking kind of grim for my household unless something changes swiftly.
So, aside from our need for a housemate (We will be searching a new for one if the current candidate cannot get his transfer through soon, as if we wait much longer there won't be a household to move into.)
So yeah... I need to enter this contest. Winning would feel good, but in my mental state, I feel it is pushing it to dare to dream of such success. And short story entries are accepted, so who knows, maybe I'll be able to hammer something special out in a short time? >__>; Fuck, who am I kidding? With my luck, it'll be a fucking miracle if I can wrack my brain and actually finish something...
UPDATE: Well, I have developed an idea for my contest entry and am beginning to outline/develop it. Got the characters named, one of them has a species, deciding on the other. Wish me luck, as I fully intend to possibly have a first draft by night's end.
So yeah...
Posted 12 years agoSorta struggling with mental issues tied to place and purpose among other people. I tend to feel aloof among others in the most frequent of times, and am capable of quite a bit of closeness and warmth when not drowning in the wavelengths, motives, and issues of large clusters of people.
But there are times you just want to get to know certain people, but with everyone normally on high alert, it is difficult to breach through and connect without that awkward tap dance of conversation that occurs when neither is sure what to say or how to feel around the other. Especially with my mostly non communicative online presence, it sometimes feels bereft of people, sometimes you just want someone to talk to when you are in a place stuffed to the brim with people.
It also doesn't help that I do not have a large list of places I go online.
Facebook to look at what is said, and maybe contribute.
Ign for news on gaming.
Furaffinity to see if anyone has said anything to me, and to contemplate trying to clear out as much of the submissions I've stockpiled so I can make sure I've seen what I will like from it.
Maybe youtube if I am in the mood to hunt for music.
Bakabt for various hentai.
Maybe a hunt for certain types of information on google/wikipedia.
And if I am masochistic, I'll look up various news articles starting from yahoo news and working my way outward. (Hearing of the state of the world tends to just put me in a shitty mood anyway)
That is about all I do on the net. I tend to not watch videos online because my computer sucks ass and won't play them in a fluid manner so it all looks like bad stop motion animation. There is not much room for social shite because I am normally not feeling all that well, and normally feel discouraged by the fact that I just can't bring myself to sit down and write. Learning more about my craft brings me to bear by making me ask questions that I often cannot answer, and therefore I feel like I am trying to adapt my ideas which have mostly stewed for long tracks of time in my head into workable materials for story. Adapting is really difficult and hard to get passed when you feel as though you've walked a thousand paces in the wrong direction. I am thirty, and have nothing to show for what I consider my occupation, that combined with no longer having a viable opportunity to let go of my SSI and take flight (or crash hard and burn) on my work's earnings is really compounding and becoming MUCH more frustrating by the day.
So yeah... not sure how to alleviate any of these XD
My Wife is doing commissions.
Posted 12 years ago Well, is wanting to take on commissions and even has a shiny new price guide for them.
Click on the link above to see it. I can vouch that she works hard to make art that her customers will always enjoy, is personable and will always strive to make her customers feel glad they have commissioned her. She always looks forward to working hard to make excellent art, so spread the word, if you can. Please post a link to her journal so that the potential for customers is as wide as possible, and Dizzy has stated that if you advertise her journal, you are welcome to request a free chibi from her. She has recently posted an example of what's on offer here and here. So remember, share her journal and you can note her asking for a free flat colored chibi. ^^ Thank you for reading.
is wanting to take on commissions and even has a shiny new price guide for them.Click on the link above to see it. I can vouch that she works hard to make art that her customers will always enjoy, is personable and will always strive to make her customers feel glad they have commissioned her. She always looks forward to working hard to make excellent art, so spread the word, if you can. Please post a link to her journal so that the potential for customers is as wide as possible, and Dizzy has stated that if you advertise her journal, you are welcome to request a free chibi from her. She has recently posted an example of what's on offer here and here. So remember, share her journal and you can note her asking for a free flat colored chibi. ^^ Thank you for reading.
Well, I turned thirty ^^
Posted 12 years ago On Friday, I turned thirty years old. And I got a pair of gifts, a very nice wooden backgammon set from my folks, and a resource book for sci-fi and fantasy writing from my brother. Meaningful gifts are awesome XP
But I just want everyone to know (As some of you have given me birthday wishes already) I am not one to get filled with angst about protocol or giving a fuss. If you are my friend, and have treated me well, then there is no problem.
I thoroughly enjoyed my birthday. Ate with the housemates at Panda Garden (And had a great time) Before that, we attended the funeral of Nicolas Scott McCabe (the eight year old whose funeral was under threat of protest from Westboro Backward Cunts as Scorp referred to them XD )
And then after eating a nap was had, and then spending time with my parents and brother.
Anyway, I am still learning (And now practicing) outlining for my writing. I am finding that I am taking to it pretty quickly, but am keeping my pace a bit slow so as to not stress out.
I am working on a few things at this moment, still developing the spot of furry sci-fi, as well as working on something fandom related that only other fans are going to get to read potentially (if it doesn't crash and burn in execution) As I've already got it 89% outlined. And, as always working and toiling in the project world XP
Well, here is hoping you lot are well ^-^
But I just want everyone to know (As some of you have given me birthday wishes already) I am not one to get filled with angst about protocol or giving a fuss. If you are my friend, and have treated me well, then there is no problem.
I thoroughly enjoyed my birthday. Ate with the housemates at Panda Garden (And had a great time) Before that, we attended the funeral of Nicolas Scott McCabe (the eight year old whose funeral was under threat of protest from Westboro Backward Cunts as Scorp referred to them XD )
And then after eating a nap was had, and then spending time with my parents and brother.
Anyway, I am still learning (And now practicing) outlining for my writing. I am finding that I am taking to it pretty quickly, but am keeping my pace a bit slow so as to not stress out.
I am working on a few things at this moment, still developing the spot of furry sci-fi, as well as working on something fandom related that only other fans are going to get to read potentially (if it doesn't crash and burn in execution) As I've already got it 89% outlined. And, as always working and toiling in the project world XP
Well, here is hoping you lot are well ^-^
By all that is within and without me O___O
Posted 12 years agoBy God I think I've done it! ^______^ *is dancing along with an Albanian folk song I found* I daresay I have FINALLY found where I shall begin telling the story of my project world at last! Ten long years have not gone to waste! Happiness does not even come close to describing how I feel in this moment. With effort I am finally finding my way through the legion of things I have made and am also (as a double whammy) figuring out the logistics and geography once and for all as well!
And if anyone is curious to the Albanian folk song I am listening to, I am embedding it in this journal for easy access, do give it a listen to hear the soundtrack of my bliss.
And yes, the folk song just happens to be shota, I am sure it doesn't mean that in Albanian however XP
And now here is an amazing rendition of that same song in techno format, trust me it is well done.
Almost done being sick.
Posted 12 years agoWell I am almost over what had blindsided me Monday. Being sick sucks, but at least I am getting through it really quickly.
I don't really have much to say, so here's a turkish music video XD
I don't really have much to say, so here's a turkish music video XD
Doing Better.
Posted 12 years agoReading and preparing activities for myself has definitely been improving my mood of late. After all, I'm much happier in the midst of research and work.
Reading a book on outlining that might aid me in keeping my many thoughts uncluttered in regards to my work. Also reading some novels recommended by my father and brother. Namely, Frank Herbert's "Dune"
Trying to get back into the genre of science fiction, took a near decade hiatus from 90% of the stuff, and now my mind seems clear and my thoughts feel fresh.
Feeling optimistic about the household, and about things in general.
Back on track.
Posted 12 years agoAlright, feeling a bit better tonight. Going to begin writing what I intend to post when at a decent amount of text.
How does one maintain sanity in hell?
Posted 12 years agoA bout of agony hits me earlier today. A voice in my head reminds me that a friend of mine owns a pistol, I see the first person imagery of fetching it, loading it, pulling the slide back and cocking it, and aiming it to my temple, and firing. It goads and goads to no avail.
I think of the people I have known and known of that imbibe. They take whatever substances they want to ease their boredom, to excite themselves. They take them to laugh or to feel ecstatic, or to escape.
For my life I have imbibed very little, even though I have been in such need of relief. I have denied myself greatly, in the name of the greater good. "For integrity and respectability!"
Society tells us to rely on what doctors are willing to give, but what they gave me was every bit as poisonous as the drugs society condemns, and so I ceased to take them any longer.
I am dissolving and cracking. For integrity and respectability.
Desperation is no longer apt, as my need for relief is becoming nearly feral.
I was rendered stupefied today. I could not move, fear and pain having me completely trapped. There were no thoughts, only a groan within myself that I am not sure whether it was audible or no. My eyes were open, but I was not seeing. I was afraid to see just one more mote of existence.
I felt utterly devoid of hope. A voice persistently spoke to me, the voice of God? Some entity? No. Dizzy, my wife.
"What's wrong?" She asks me. I try to speak aloud, it comes out in gurgles. She asks again, I try again, and again to speak to her. I can hear myself gurgling, gibbering, the occasional soft sob of pain and frustration from being unable to articulate. I become more rapid with it, until I am able to get a half articulated word out.
a half choked out "I'm" followed by a garbled "okay..." My body begins to ache, a message I know so well. I need a cigarette. I can barely move, let alone stand and walk. Dizzy helps me to stand and steady, and when I sit outside, she hands me a cigarette, and helps me light it.
For integrity and respectability. If I were in a better world or society, then perhaps I could at least acquire some form of pain relief. If I was to be born and exist with such tides of free flowing ethereal anguish and pain, then why can I not have one of two outcomes...why can I not have relief of it? And if not relief, then why can I not use it against those who take life for granted, calm and comfort for granted and wrestle boredom as their opponent? I imagine a luminescent flame of blues and purples, oh how I would use these flames. Imagine if you could force people to feel what you feel.
I am growing weaker. I dream of a soft place to lay, and an acrid smoke that obfuscates the pain that makes every moment of every single day a hellish unceasing war. I dream of a substance that can alter my perceptions so that I can comprehend myself, and light the way to finding the answer of relief from within. To tired to write. Hurt too much to create. I just want relief, and I've no idea what on this world can possibly save me. At best, I am unintelligible in this moment, at worst, I shall be regarded with disdain or contempt. I write these things so that they don't weigh on my mind as much.
I think of the people I have known and known of that imbibe. They take whatever substances they want to ease their boredom, to excite themselves. They take them to laugh or to feel ecstatic, or to escape.
For my life I have imbibed very little, even though I have been in such need of relief. I have denied myself greatly, in the name of the greater good. "For integrity and respectability!"
Society tells us to rely on what doctors are willing to give, but what they gave me was every bit as poisonous as the drugs society condemns, and so I ceased to take them any longer.
I am dissolving and cracking. For integrity and respectability.
Desperation is no longer apt, as my need for relief is becoming nearly feral.
I was rendered stupefied today. I could not move, fear and pain having me completely trapped. There were no thoughts, only a groan within myself that I am not sure whether it was audible or no. My eyes were open, but I was not seeing. I was afraid to see just one more mote of existence.
I felt utterly devoid of hope. A voice persistently spoke to me, the voice of God? Some entity? No. Dizzy, my wife.
"What's wrong?" She asks me. I try to speak aloud, it comes out in gurgles. She asks again, I try again, and again to speak to her. I can hear myself gurgling, gibbering, the occasional soft sob of pain and frustration from being unable to articulate. I become more rapid with it, until I am able to get a half articulated word out.
a half choked out "I'm" followed by a garbled "okay..." My body begins to ache, a message I know so well. I need a cigarette. I can barely move, let alone stand and walk. Dizzy helps me to stand and steady, and when I sit outside, she hands me a cigarette, and helps me light it.
For integrity and respectability. If I were in a better world or society, then perhaps I could at least acquire some form of pain relief. If I was to be born and exist with such tides of free flowing ethereal anguish and pain, then why can I not have one of two outcomes...why can I not have relief of it? And if not relief, then why can I not use it against those who take life for granted, calm and comfort for granted and wrestle boredom as their opponent? I imagine a luminescent flame of blues and purples, oh how I would use these flames. Imagine if you could force people to feel what you feel.
I am growing weaker. I dream of a soft place to lay, and an acrid smoke that obfuscates the pain that makes every moment of every single day a hellish unceasing war. I dream of a substance that can alter my perceptions so that I can comprehend myself, and light the way to finding the answer of relief from within. To tired to write. Hurt too much to create. I just want relief, and I've no idea what on this world can possibly save me. At best, I am unintelligible in this moment, at worst, I shall be regarded with disdain or contempt. I write these things so that they don't weigh on my mind as much.
It's been a while.
Posted 12 years agoSo yeah... been a long damn time since I have said diddly shit on FA.
Why? >.> Because I have been putting off getting caught up on the submissions from the people I watch. Worked it down from 10000+ to 6000+ in a few hours.
I am also considering writing something to post on here. >.> I am tired of not having anything to show the people who watch me, so, why the fuck not? Any one who for sure wants to read it, let me know there is interest, as I am much more motivated when I know people actually want to read what I write. (hence why I've been mainly keeping my writing audience at Mintbear alone. That and these works were of a personal nature XP )
But yeah, let me know what you think of finally having a chance to see what I can do.
6 year old shits out half assed hand turkey.
Posted 13 years ago*sighs*
Posted 13 years agoNothing makes me feel better than reading a journal about someone you care about struggling. Especially when not only am I powerless to help it, but I feel like I am directly apart of the problem.
Albeit not intentionally am I apart of the problem, but really, in the grand scheme of things, intent matters not. I am not good at this. I have 466 journals, 3806 submissions, and 13 notes that I have not had the energy to even look at. I am not good at keeping up with ambient people, those who want me to initiate contact. And I am not much better with those who initiate contact. So, if I have offended you, I have not done so with that intent.
I will not shirk any failure or error I have made, but neither will I deny several ineffable truths. I am not exactly a man of advantageous existence. Every day is difficult to get through. Will it be agony that awaits me when I awaken from the precious little sleep I acquire? Will it be fear this time? Potent enough to have me fearing hatred from the most unlikely sources... Will it be doubt subtle and cunning enough to have me undone and babbling incoherently? Shall I be bombarded with blood curdling rage, thick and noxious enough to render my senses completely unusable? Or will it be hopelessness, that icy tundra that shall extinguish the very will to move, live or love?
It doesn't matter what I go through, it all hurts, and I must turn as blind an eye to it as possible. There are times I should be happy, but I feel only an icy numbness. But with everything, I stay the course as best as able. I know my path with my eyes closed. I know how I will react to most things, even if I cannot feel it.
But I also do my best to protect myself from the toxicity that other people can offer. I avoid conflict like the plague, the very same with those who rely too heavily on sarcasm and abrasive demeanor. Those who posture and rely on so-called 'dick measuring contests' I find repellant. And those who rely on tactics of belittling others to feel better, I truly strive to avoid. And those who feel compelled to be "Right" 100% of the time I will feel compelled to sabotage (Compelled, not necessarily acted upon). The spoiled, the entitled, the ungrateful vex me highly.
Mind you I am not likening any of my friends to such. These are examples of humanity I loathe on a general basis.
I am well aware of my imperfections. I can be quite the cantankerous son of a shite. I am high strung and low on capability. Creating and transliterating it are the only talents I possess in an applicable manner. but even then, for the past six or seven months I have been rendered unable to write a single thing.
Well, I lost my point. I am tired and sleep doesn't look likely. I don't feel good and haven't most of the day. I will be sitting quietly on a couch, reading quietly as others sleep. Harlan Ellison's voice in my mind as I read his work.
Albeit not intentionally am I apart of the problem, but really, in the grand scheme of things, intent matters not. I am not good at this. I have 466 journals, 3806 submissions, and 13 notes that I have not had the energy to even look at. I am not good at keeping up with ambient people, those who want me to initiate contact. And I am not much better with those who initiate contact. So, if I have offended you, I have not done so with that intent.
I will not shirk any failure or error I have made, but neither will I deny several ineffable truths. I am not exactly a man of advantageous existence. Every day is difficult to get through. Will it be agony that awaits me when I awaken from the precious little sleep I acquire? Will it be fear this time? Potent enough to have me fearing hatred from the most unlikely sources... Will it be doubt subtle and cunning enough to have me undone and babbling incoherently? Shall I be bombarded with blood curdling rage, thick and noxious enough to render my senses completely unusable? Or will it be hopelessness, that icy tundra that shall extinguish the very will to move, live or love?
It doesn't matter what I go through, it all hurts, and I must turn as blind an eye to it as possible. There are times I should be happy, but I feel only an icy numbness. But with everything, I stay the course as best as able. I know my path with my eyes closed. I know how I will react to most things, even if I cannot feel it.
But I also do my best to protect myself from the toxicity that other people can offer. I avoid conflict like the plague, the very same with those who rely too heavily on sarcasm and abrasive demeanor. Those who posture and rely on so-called 'dick measuring contests' I find repellant. And those who rely on tactics of belittling others to feel better, I truly strive to avoid. And those who feel compelled to be "Right" 100% of the time I will feel compelled to sabotage (Compelled, not necessarily acted upon). The spoiled, the entitled, the ungrateful vex me highly.
Mind you I am not likening any of my friends to such. These are examples of humanity I loathe on a general basis.
I am well aware of my imperfections. I can be quite the cantankerous son of a shite. I am high strung and low on capability. Creating and transliterating it are the only talents I possess in an applicable manner. but even then, for the past six or seven months I have been rendered unable to write a single thing.
Well, I lost my point. I am tired and sleep doesn't look likely. I don't feel good and haven't most of the day. I will be sitting quietly on a couch, reading quietly as others sleep. Harlan Ellison's voice in my mind as I read his work.
Element quiz that Mint wanted me to take.
Posted 13 years agoLight Elemental
[x] You're proud of who you are
[x] You state your opinion
[x] You think you're intelligent
[x] You enjoy learning
[x] You're raised in a very traditional way
[] You hardly show emotions
[] You're a morning person
[] You don't like people who sleep around a lot
[x] You don't like the dark
[x] You're hard on yourself when you fail
Total: 7
Dark Elemental
[x] You always say what's on your mind.
[x] You're a night person
[x] You like having sex/like the idea of sex
[x] You don't like mornings
[] You don't like happy-go-lucky people
[] You argue with people a lot
[] You laugh at stupid people
[x] You hold on to grudges
[x] You love scary stories
[] You're often found in dark places, like under a shade, beneath a blanket, etc.
Total: 6
Nature Elemental
[x] You love animals and nature
[x] You love being outdoors
[] You're somewhat gullible
[] You're shy around new people
[x] You're very understanding/a good listener
[] You forgive easily
[x] You're not a good fighter (Haven't fought in over a decade, so I've no idea, though I'm decent in Soul Caliber?)
[] You don't like eating meat
[x] You protect what you hold most dear
[x] You love drinking water
Total: 6
Water Elemental
[x] You're a good swimmer
[x] You love fish
[x] You're very curious
[] You like to explore
[x] You day dream a lot
[] You don't usually like to talk
[] You like doing things by yourself
[x] You like to imagine things for your amusement
[x] You're open minded
[x] You like things to stay the same
Total: 7
Fire Elemental
[x] You have a bad temper
[x] You love hearing gossip (Guilty pleasure ^^; I is a nosy Raven)
[] You like to fight
[x] You're kind of slow sometimes
[] You're attracted to the 'bad boy/girl'
[x] You have a strong sense of justice
[x] You'd beat up someone if they hurt your friends
[] You're also gullible
[x] You like to see things burn
[] You hate swimming/water
Total: 6
Wind Elemental
[] You're very easy-going
[] You're somewhat lazy (Mint would argue with me if I put a check mark in this. I feel lazy, but am always working on something)
[x] You love to laugh and make jokes
[] People think you're immature
[x] You tend to be a skeptic
[x] You're very competitive (I am, hence why I try to avoid competitions, so that I have no reason to get seriously bent out of shape.)
[x] You love getting new things
[] You live everyday fully
[x] You love riding with the window down
[] You enjoy having a large group of friends
Total: 5
Thunder Elemental
[x] You tend to blow up when you're mad (Yes, but thankfully endless ranting keeps things well vented and I don't get too pissed off >>; )
[] You like things to be unpredictable
[] You like to live dangerously
[] You love having competitions, contests etc.
[] You love coming up with impossible scenarios
[] You like being the center of attention
[] You love thunderstorms
[x] You tend to only want a tight knit group
[] You don't trust others easily
[x] You don't forgive easily
Total: 3
Ice Elemental
[] You don't express yourself very well
[x] You like winter better than summer
[] You don't need/wear heavy coats during the winter
[] You tend to be sarcastic sometimes
[] You're sometimes a loner
[] You tend to keep to yourself
[] It's hard for people to get close
[] When someone does though, you tend to stick with them no matter what
[x] You enjoy reading and other "one" person activities
[x] You can be 'cold' when someone's upset
Total: 3
This is what I am: Light/Water
[x] You're proud of who you are
[x] You state your opinion
[x] You think you're intelligent
[x] You enjoy learning
[x] You're raised in a very traditional way
[] You hardly show emotions
[] You're a morning person
[] You don't like people who sleep around a lot
[x] You don't like the dark
[x] You're hard on yourself when you fail
Total: 7
Dark Elemental
[x] You always say what's on your mind.
[x] You're a night person
[x] You like having sex/like the idea of sex
[x] You don't like mornings
[] You don't like happy-go-lucky people
[] You argue with people a lot
[] You laugh at stupid people
[x] You hold on to grudges
[x] You love scary stories
[] You're often found in dark places, like under a shade, beneath a blanket, etc.
Total: 6
Nature Elemental
[x] You love animals and nature
[x] You love being outdoors
[] You're somewhat gullible
[] You're shy around new people
[x] You're very understanding/a good listener
[] You forgive easily
[x] You're not a good fighter (Haven't fought in over a decade, so I've no idea, though I'm decent in Soul Caliber?)
[] You don't like eating meat
[x] You protect what you hold most dear
[x] You love drinking water
Total: 6
Water Elemental
[x] You're a good swimmer
[x] You love fish
[x] You're very curious
[] You like to explore
[x] You day dream a lot
[] You don't usually like to talk
[] You like doing things by yourself
[x] You like to imagine things for your amusement
[x] You're open minded
[x] You like things to stay the same
Total: 7
Fire Elemental
[x] You have a bad temper
[x] You love hearing gossip (Guilty pleasure ^^; I is a nosy Raven)
[] You like to fight
[x] You're kind of slow sometimes
[] You're attracted to the 'bad boy/girl'
[x] You have a strong sense of justice
[x] You'd beat up someone if they hurt your friends
[] You're also gullible
[x] You like to see things burn
[] You hate swimming/water
Total: 6
Wind Elemental
[] You're very easy-going
[] You're somewhat lazy (Mint would argue with me if I put a check mark in this. I feel lazy, but am always working on something)
[x] You love to laugh and make jokes
[] People think you're immature
[x] You tend to be a skeptic
[x] You're very competitive (I am, hence why I try to avoid competitions, so that I have no reason to get seriously bent out of shape.)
[x] You love getting new things
[] You live everyday fully
[x] You love riding with the window down
[] You enjoy having a large group of friends
Total: 5
Thunder Elemental
[x] You tend to blow up when you're mad (Yes, but thankfully endless ranting keeps things well vented and I don't get too pissed off >>; )
[] You like things to be unpredictable
[] You like to live dangerously
[] You love having competitions, contests etc.
[] You love coming up with impossible scenarios
[] You like being the center of attention
[] You love thunderstorms
[x] You tend to only want a tight knit group
[] You don't trust others easily
[x] You don't forgive easily
Total: 3
Ice Elemental
[] You don't express yourself very well
[x] You like winter better than summer
[] You don't need/wear heavy coats during the winter
[] You tend to be sarcastic sometimes
[] You're sometimes a loner
[] You tend to keep to yourself
[] It's hard for people to get close
[] When someone does though, you tend to stick with them no matter what
[x] You enjoy reading and other "one" person activities
[x] You can be 'cold' when someone's upset
Total: 3
This is what I am: Light/Water
Still squawking
Posted 13 years agoSo yeah, getting over a cold, nothing too severe, before that I've been dealing with the usual to and fro of maintaining normalcy. Tonight has been good, A dear friend happened to give me a game I had been hoping to acquire. It was just in his possession, and he found out I had been seeking it. Thank you friend ^^ you know who you are. I just found out that the 1967 version of Dragnet is now on Netflix. This means the world to me, as this show influenced me GREATLY as a child. Joe Friday was my hero growing up, so it is quite a treat to have 98 episodes I can access at anytime.
Going back on topic, the game in question is The Dark Spire, a first person dungeon crawler for the DS. It smacks of old school goodness and is from a more familiar fantasy setting, akin to D&D.
Unfortunately, while I am getting better, my weariness has yet to fully leave. And now my wife seems to be coming down with something (most likely what I had).
Will try to put a more substantial journal in future. But I have become tired as of now.
Insomnia
Posted 13 years agoI find myself thinking of this particular quote from Paul Gauguin.
"I close my eyes in order to see."
While he was speaking about painting what you know about what you see and not painting literally what you see, I find it applies to me in many ways.
When I look upon this world, it is difficult to have hope for anything. Every belief, thought, hope seems utterly pointless when compared to this people whom I find myself struggling to keep from loathing up, down and quite nearly entirely. It is then that I close my eyes, so that I might see better vistas.
These days, I find that where I go is none too good for me either. I dream of opium. I can imagine it's flavor mixed with the tobacco I have loved for what feels akin to a lifetime. Ever since I was a child, I was mesmerized by the mere thought that something could take the pain and insomnia away. I would imagine my fears shrinking and withering at last, my agony receding slowly, until finally I was no longer aware of it.
I have oft dreamed of such and developed a deep fascination with certain drugs. Lets face it, anyone would be enthralled by that which promises relief that is normally impossible to obtain through normal means. The funny thing is, throughout my life, I have had myriad opportunities to imbibe and partake of much, and all but the barest few substances have I ever partaken.
Suffice it to say that I have not tasted of any that I ever dreamed of. Maybe I am a glutton for punishment. And once again, bereft of relief, I find myself deprived of sleep. No vista I can conjure forth behind my eyelids brings with it any comfort.
It is in times like this, my anger returns in full force. When I hurt the most, it becomes painful to observe all that many can take for granted. Every single moment of calm for example, a single moment where the mind is quiet, nothing on the mind. Maybe you are stirring your coffee, or just sitting and doing nothing. There are moments I would gladly kill for such. Or at least, that is the initial thought, I know better of myself. Eventually I become grateful that such things exist at all, regardless of it's absence in my mind.
Sleep would be good. I imagine it would feel nice to not be conscious for a time. It would be even better to awaken feeling better for once.
I feel lost, with no map nor guide to aid me. I wonder these days whether the world could actually end soon. I find myself struggling not to hope it does indeed come. I don't believe in doom's day prophecies spun from emptiness and bullshit, but it is appealing to imagine the blight of humanity snuffed out in but an instant. But that is my own pettiness. I merely think of my own relief in no longer having to endure this unceasing trial by fire. The world nor humanity deserves neither fire nor brimstone due to a disenfranchised, disenchanted, half crazed man writhing on the tide of his own mentality.
Half crazed and eternally tired, yet still standing. I think therefore I am. I hurt therefore I understand. I cannot escape thus I dream of freedom, but alas mine shall never come in this life. I cannot escape, so instead I walk the long way, through the flames, for a lifetime. Something sure wanted me to survive all that I have, so the least I can do is be appreciative of such and not throw life so precious away.
I am nothing save for what this world has attempted to make me, subtracted from what I chose to be. Erosion takes it's toll as always, on the heart and mind, but while it aches and stings fiercely, perhaps it has made these things within me more intricate. Perhaps it merely makes me more hungry to taste the waters of calm that I have heard spoken of by many, yet it can only be found by those who are born with at least a drop within them.
Perhaps if I close my eyes...I might see even a glimpse of it.
"I close my eyes in order to see."
While he was speaking about painting what you know about what you see and not painting literally what you see, I find it applies to me in many ways.
When I look upon this world, it is difficult to have hope for anything. Every belief, thought, hope seems utterly pointless when compared to this people whom I find myself struggling to keep from loathing up, down and quite nearly entirely. It is then that I close my eyes, so that I might see better vistas.
These days, I find that where I go is none too good for me either. I dream of opium. I can imagine it's flavor mixed with the tobacco I have loved for what feels akin to a lifetime. Ever since I was a child, I was mesmerized by the mere thought that something could take the pain and insomnia away. I would imagine my fears shrinking and withering at last, my agony receding slowly, until finally I was no longer aware of it.
I have oft dreamed of such and developed a deep fascination with certain drugs. Lets face it, anyone would be enthralled by that which promises relief that is normally impossible to obtain through normal means. The funny thing is, throughout my life, I have had myriad opportunities to imbibe and partake of much, and all but the barest few substances have I ever partaken.
Suffice it to say that I have not tasted of any that I ever dreamed of. Maybe I am a glutton for punishment. And once again, bereft of relief, I find myself deprived of sleep. No vista I can conjure forth behind my eyelids brings with it any comfort.
It is in times like this, my anger returns in full force. When I hurt the most, it becomes painful to observe all that many can take for granted. Every single moment of calm for example, a single moment where the mind is quiet, nothing on the mind. Maybe you are stirring your coffee, or just sitting and doing nothing. There are moments I would gladly kill for such. Or at least, that is the initial thought, I know better of myself. Eventually I become grateful that such things exist at all, regardless of it's absence in my mind.
Sleep would be good. I imagine it would feel nice to not be conscious for a time. It would be even better to awaken feeling better for once.
I feel lost, with no map nor guide to aid me. I wonder these days whether the world could actually end soon. I find myself struggling not to hope it does indeed come. I don't believe in doom's day prophecies spun from emptiness and bullshit, but it is appealing to imagine the blight of humanity snuffed out in but an instant. But that is my own pettiness. I merely think of my own relief in no longer having to endure this unceasing trial by fire. The world nor humanity deserves neither fire nor brimstone due to a disenfranchised, disenchanted, half crazed man writhing on the tide of his own mentality.
Half crazed and eternally tired, yet still standing. I think therefore I am. I hurt therefore I understand. I cannot escape thus I dream of freedom, but alas mine shall never come in this life. I cannot escape, so instead I walk the long way, through the flames, for a lifetime. Something sure wanted me to survive all that I have, so the least I can do is be appreciative of such and not throw life so precious away.
I am nothing save for what this world has attempted to make me, subtracted from what I chose to be. Erosion takes it's toll as always, on the heart and mind, but while it aches and stings fiercely, perhaps it has made these things within me more intricate. Perhaps it merely makes me more hungry to taste the waters of calm that I have heard spoken of by many, yet it can only be found by those who are born with at least a drop within them.
Perhaps if I close my eyes...I might see even a glimpse of it.
At last... a commission.
Posted 13 years agoI have been commissioned by my good friend Prime to write a short erotica story. So I shall at last have something for people to read once it is finished. As for price, well, that would only be in the cards if it happened to make some money XD But it is nice to be requisitioned in such a manner, as 90% of the time my talents have nowhere to flex, (Considering my project world is nowhere near done enough to be making fully fledged writings for.) So it is a rare (hopefully not for much longer) treat to have something to work on in my actual craft.
^^ Happy Raven is happy.
