Welp, been a good... 4 years since I really did much around here. Whoops. Got a backlog of art to upload followed by a redesign for my character!

Then I need to actually update my info. God it's out of date.

It is now officially my 30th birthday. I can't believe I've crossed that threshold and begin a new decade of my life. Here's hoping they're better than my 20's!

So September 18th I'll be moving again. Still staying here in Ohio for the time being. Got a place all to myself a little south of my current living spot but I'll be closer to Cinci now.

However, due to the roommates moving out a lot sooner, I actually lose internet starting tomorrow. So from the 18th of August to the 18th of September I will be only available on mobile. Gonna have some major gaming withdrawals unable to play anything with friends lmao.

So yesterday I went into the ER under doctor recommendation due to a bunch of health issues happening to me over the last month. We had thought it was my heart failing due to my history of heart disease, but thankfully it turns out I've just gone diabetic. Going to the ER was definitely the right choice though as my blood glucose was 364 and the doctor told me anything over 300 is considered critical, which is why my body was shutting down more and more. So, that was an adventure, but the good news is he doesn't think I'm insulin dependent yet so I can still reverse this if I fix my diet. So time for a major life change in that department!

As for life, well I've gotta move again. Current roommates are moving somewhere I can't follow, but this time I really don't have anywhere to go. So, got that stress on my plate I'm trying to figure out.

You guys know the drill by now. This is my 12th AC now I think? Kinda lost count. Looking forward to seeing everyone!

Okay, so just got home from the con. Had to leave a little earlier than normal this year but such is what happens with last minute cons!

Despite my rant on Friday in frustration at unable to find anything to do, Saturday night made up for a lot of it hanging with some friends. Drunk until 7 am is what this fox loves to do haha. Definitely not my best con given the circumstances surrounding it as we were all in a rough mindset with our cat passing away on my birthday, but it was nice to get out of the apartment for a bit.

As for MFF 2019, I'm not sure if we're going to go. There's only three things that would make me consider it at this point.

1. I get a fursuit which I'm strongly looking into soon. Even if just a partial for now.
2. We get a room in the main hotel
3. I know for a fact there are people who want to spend time hanging out with me. Just showing up did not work out well this year on this.

Sorry to rant at 3 am but I'm seriously done with cons right now. I can't find a damn thing to do anymore and trying to get anyone to hang out or even read messages anymore is nigh impossible. Why do I attend these anymore if it's a waste of money because all I do is sit here trying to find folks. Like if I'm not wanted around just tell me and I'll stop showing up.

Well today is my birthday. Greeted by waking up to discover our cat Rocket passed away this morning. He had been having some health issues over the last two months but none of us were ready to wake up to him being gone. He was a young cat too, only 4 years old. I'm hurting, but I know  artica is hurting even more.

Well thanks to a last minute room offer from  photonman2 it looks like  Artica and myself will be able to go after all! Glad to get to spend my birthday week at the con again this year, so let me know if you're there and wanna hang out! Up to my usual shenanigans of drinking and goofing off.

I have returned from Anthrocon a day earlier than normal but such is life! This was definitely a unique con for me compared to AC's of old. Met some new folks and only further invigorated my desire to get a new fursuit once more. Plenty of eventful stuff happened, though none of which is exactly appropriate to go into on a public journal :P

Heyo!

Heading out in a few minutes for AC with  Artica and  suntattoowolf

I'll be there Thursday to Sunday night so if you want to meet up shoot me a note or poke me on Discord (Kalkaph#6904), Telegram (Kalkaph), Twitter (Kalkaph) or even just shoot me a note here and I'll eventually see it!

As is usual the past few years I don't currently have any plans for the con so I'm an open schedule to hang with (or ya know, invite to a party mayhaps?)

So, I'm more making this as a vent than anything. I'll probably delete it at some point when I'm feeling better.

Today I'm struggling hard with my depression. It's been a very rough last few months. I've been in a very dark place because of one thing. I'm lonely. That feeling has translated into me feeling like it's because I'm boring, I'm not good enough, I have nothing to offer, so I can't have friends. Too often I sit here for days on end without any interaction with folks. No one checks on me, and I never feel like anyone wants me to approach them when they never return the effort. I genuinely feel like if I ever did something stupid, the only people who would know are my roommates. No one else would even notice because no one ever pays attention to me.

This has also translated into some physical problems as well. I've been incredibly irresponsible with my money. In an attempt to be the best just to get folks talking about me/to me, I've spend a crazy amount of funds on a god damn pay 2 win game of all things. Like, It's going to take me 2-3 years to pay off all the debt I've wracked up now from the last two months. That's not helping my stress situation at all.

I just feel so lost and worthless. A failure. I don't really know what to do anymore to fix this situation. I just want friends again. I didn't appreciate what I had when I was younger. Now everyone has grown distant, and I just want to give up.

So got my new computer all set up and good to go! Still kinda mad at myself for the situation, but thankfully I was able to take out a 12 month payment plan so I didn't have to shell out the money all at once, which is good because...

I gotta head back up to New Hampshire on the 16th and long story short car is in my mom's name so I have to keep it NH legal and thus it's due for yearly inspection. However, it's probably not going to pass so that's what my money needs to go to and why I panicked over the computer situation. Bad timing!

So today I fucked up pretty bad. Spilled coffee in my computer and fried it. Unfortunately I've been a fucking idiot with my money lately thanks to depression. Stay away from pay to win games if you have low self esteem. It's going to be a month or two until I can afford a new computer so my phone is all I have right now.

Heading out early in the morning, so be there tomorrow!

Just turned 27. Welp. I'm old.

So just an update cause I wanna get the ball rolling on figuring out who I'll see and where. I'm planning on attending 2 conventions this year: AC and MFF.

AC is normal, though a large number of my friends don't attend it anymore so I'm absolutely open to meeting up with new people!

MFF however is a brand new experience for me. This will be my first time attending and I haven't got a clue what it's like or who will be there!

So I got bored and decided to host a new Ark server. Still tweaking the settings but note me if you'd be interested in joining it!

So with 2017 being here, I've been doing some thinking. I'm 26 years old now with a decent job but my social life has gone to shit. I miss the folks I used to hang out with, but shitty teenager me did a lot of damage and now I've been paying the price. Ended up withdrawing pretty hard and forgot how to make friends over the past few years.

So 2017 is gonna be the year I do two things! First, is get healthy. Got some medical issues I gotta get taken care of, including at least one surgery. Second is get my social life back together again. These days I'm primarily using Discord and Skype to chat with folks, though I do have Instagram that I just don't have anyone to talk to on. If you want to get back in touch, or make a new friend, send me a note!

So, for those who don't follow me on twitter or talk to me on skype/discord/etc. On Saturday night my grandfather passed away. He'd been battling cancer since late last year, starting off as esophageal cancer. He successfully beat that one, but then they discovered the cancer had spread to his bones and was already stage 4. He fell apart very quickly after that discovery.

So I'm heading up to NH a bit earlier than planned. Heading out today as soon as I get packed. Though I usually break the trip up into 2 days but the friend's place I crashed at moved so gotta do all 14 hours in one go. Unfortunately I'm getting a late start to the day, it's going to be below 32 tonight, and it's raining. Aka I may have to cave and get a hotel room halfway there. I'm not sure exactly how long I'll be up there. Probably until Wednesday or something so I get a few days of my vacation to myself at the apartment.

My grandfather's services are Friday and the burial is Sunday. Sadly, Sunday is my birthday. So it's gonna be a rough weekend and Thanksgiving for me.

If there's anyone I know between Ohio and NH that would have a last minute spot for me to crash the night let me know, I'll be checking my phone. Haven't really asked around the folks I know are on the way due to Thanksgiving being tomorrow.

So, recently I've become steadily employed at a decent job. Finally got some bills under control, and now I'm able to get back into the swing of commissioning again! Been too long of a dry spell here, so prepare for more fox porn!

However, first comes first, I need a new reference sheet. Kalkaph's patterns are changing, and with feedback it's pretty much a favored improvement! Much of the fox you know is staying the same, just more green on his pallet! Currently attempting to find an artist willing to take a reference sheet commission, but soon the art will flow!

So yeah, guess it's happening after all. Super strapped on cash though so this will be a very low key AC for me. I honestly don't know many people who are going anyway, so it's going to be rather casual to begin with. My circle of friends has been almost reduced to like... 4 or 5 lately, so I'm absolutely open to meeting up with new people this year! I need new people to hang out with at the con since I don't want to be stuck bugging the roommates all con again.

Bored out of my mind over here in NH. So heading back early! Leaving NH on Tuesday as I already have plans to visit a friend, but I'm still free before/after to make a detour on the way to hang out with anyone else that would like me to stop by. If not, I'll be home sometime Wednesday night.

A head's up to all of my friends in New England. I'll be flying home tomorrow and staying until roughly January 16th or so. Getting a new car before driving back to Ohio, so if anyone wants to hang out while I'm home I'll be free! Won't have my desktop so I'll be bored most of the time anyway.

So, been living in Ohio for about two months now. Lot of things have changed for me as a person. Left behind a lot of the issues and I've felt mostly over my depression. My job situation isn't very good since I lack a car, but my parents are helping me with that. Glad they didn't cut me off entirely after moving out since it might have been a bit early since my car died right before.

But this time has got me thinking. I'm changing as a person, and because of that, I don't feel as attached to my character anymore. He's still a part of me, but more a part of my past now. I think it's time to design a new character, from scratch. Anyone who knows me knows video games pretty much consume my life, so I'm thinking it's appropriate to design a character inspired by them.

This must be how other fandoms feel, but the character I have in mind is heavily inspired from Undertale. Just beat the game yesterday, and the emotional impact it had on me was more than I expected. The characters really stood out, but to avoid spoilers I can't go in to deep detail. All I will say is the goat monsters really caused my inspiration. The way they are designed specifically really appealed to me, regardless of emotional attachment to the end of the game.

I will never directly rip off a character, but this new one I think will be heavily inspired by that species. I'm going to embrace the full nerd in me with this character, rather than trying to shy away from it and being "cool" and "normal" like Kalkaph was designed. So, I need to find an artist willing to help me with designing this character, and then commissioning them to do a reference sheet once we come up with a design.