...well. Not just a normal birthday. First birthday in my life I didn't feel like celebrating.

And still it turned out horribly.

Happy goddamn birthday to me...

Anyone want a birdy breakfast? Or to be my breakfast, perhaps?

Aaaand kinda peckish. Anyone want in on this birdy belly, shoot me a note~!

Offer ends when I finally pass out in an hour or three. <@3@>

Yeah, I know, I haven't journaled in... fuck, only six months? It feels like years ago, what the hell. But yeah, I know, been ages, but this is kind of important.

One of my dearest friends  staticthepikachu is in trouble. Has been for two years; constantly struggling with poverty thanks to the dead-end town he's stuck in. If you know Possum Springs from Night in the Woods, his town is Exactly That. A town that time forgot, devoid of future prospects and full of suffocating desperation.

Thanks to his state's laws letting employers fire whoever they want, whenever they want, for any reason without any legal responsibility, what few jobs exist are a constant precipice between you and homelessness. And after two years of struggling to stay sane and making ends meet, he's lost the last job available to him in town. If he were to stay, the only option would be to move back in with his family, who would sell his car and leave him stranded.

So it's now or never. I'm throwing all my money, time, and effort into moving him into an apartment near me, in a town that isn't so crushingly hopeless. I can handle the logistics, but paying for this entire thing all by myself may not be possible. So please, please, can you spare some cash for him? His Paypal is amparan.marco@gmail.com, in case you're too shy to talk to me or to him.

Anyone who does end up contributing: I could fucking kiss you, you wonderful motherfucker.

If ya don't have someone snug in your bowels yet, hope ya do by bedtime~

Got my boyfriend here with me - physically, in the same room. My birthday happened near the start of the month, and now he's visiting for the week. Been a very chill time so far, cuddles heal the soul, love it. |3

And of course tummy cuddles from yours truly are always on the table~! Or, well, under the table. ;D

Welp. Moving day's tomorrow, starting at 8:00 in the morning. This is gonna be the last night I spend in this house. Been here for over 11 years, since soon after I turned 13. Couldn't even begin to list everything that's happened here. Every real friend I've ever had, every real crisis I've ever had, every real romance, every real breakdown, every real epiphany... all in this house. Hell, almost all in this room, in front of this computer desk. This is where I became me.

So. Gonna be listening to Die Anywhere Else on repeat for the rest of the night, might be a little crying. Okay, probably a notable amount of crying. Hope to be back online in my digital home by the end of the coming week, friends.

An emotional roller coaster hell of a week. <@ @> Ending last Thursday, starting on the Thursday before that, had my older sister and her family visiting. Young kids, lost of energy, lots of noise, plus a sibling who I don't have the greatest relationship with. Thankfully I think we're much better friends now thanks to this visit, but it all had incredibly high ups and downs. Doors were slammed, is all I'll say.

So, that's why I've been quiet, and will be quiet for a bit longer. Gonna need time to recover from what was supposed to be a vacation. Fuuuuuuck.

Been getting a lot of watchers since I started properly drawing, and I'm wondering what sort of folks would watch me. So tell me a bit about who y'all are, maybe some things about you. I'm curious, and I swear I'll give at least one response for all of you! ^.^

Arranging yourselves on my dinner table while you tell me is optional, but encouraged.

An expected death, but death nonetheless. One of my grandparents. My last grandparent, actually. They're all gone now, as of a few nights ago. Didn't exactly make for a sunny Mother's Day.

Not gonna make a big fuss about it. Just, if I haven't been talkative for the past week, that'd be why. Starting to feel better though, but it'll take some time.

Yeah, you heard me, Valintestines Day. I will be calling it that from now into forever, hope you find it funny. |/P

Probably is, not gonna have a drawing for it in time today because I can't think of what to draw to go with the theme. So! Any of ya got ideas? I'm taking suggestions!

Clock just turned midnight (well, "just"... 50 minutes ago), and is my birthday~! It's find if you didn't get me anything, just climb in my cake and we'll call it even. ;3

As a status update, I've been doing fantastic! Several medical problems of mine have been discovered and are now being treated, and I haven't felt this good in... lots of years. Feel motivated, feel aware, have dedicated myself to a work schedule and have been sticking to it! Again, that ain't happened in a looong ass time for me. Here's hoping it lasts until my next birthday, and hope you're all doing well! ^.^

Okay, I'm so late to the party coming across this clip, but this sort of thing gets me giggly every time,



This is just... it's not the most shameless bullshit, not even in the top ten, but it makes me smile like the giggly bitch I am. By "this sort of thing," I mean when shows clearly meant for younger audiences get into deeply fetishy stuff. Both when the creators are clueless, and when you can tell they fucking knew what they were doing and had the balls to get it past the censors. Never fails to get a grin out of me!

My friends and I feel like there needs to be a name for this. Like how there's the Wookie Rule: if the creature is covered in fur (or scales), it doesn't count as nudity. Best we can come up with is the Yoshi Rule, where major fetishes are suddenly okay in kid's cartoon form. I mean, Yoshi does vore, ovi, and crushes people with his fat ass. Nobody bats a fuckin eyelash.

You have any suggestions for a better character for this rule to be named after?

I know you're out there somewhere, and absolutely despise the holiday, whatever the cause. Some of you are outright terrified of it, for good reason: impossibly awful family that you're forced to be around. Abusers, fascists, sociopaths, rapists, people who abandoned you, people who neglect you, people who would disown you the second you came out of the closet... some families have nothing else.

A toast to you, from me. You ain't alone. Hang in there; it's just a few more days.

More accurately, realized I never posted anything since then. Time got away from me, I suppose, because I'm feeling better now. Well, "better" in a literal sense. Not great, but I'm getting by, with some fun and happy moments now and then. No talking politics though, please. Not even in a supportive way, it's not something I want to think about. -_-

Past month has been really quiet, which I think I needed. We all need some time relatively alone. I've done lots of story thinking and considered writing some more vore smut, but that's really not worth talking about until I have actual results. ^.^;

Biggest thing I've done this past month is finally plow through the entire Mass Effect series. I basically grew up with the first game, never beat the second, and never started the third. I've always had this nasty habit of starting games, playing them religiously, and then getting bored right before the end. And the dumb idea to play the previous games every time a new installment comes out, which burns me out even faster. But I recently got infuriated with doing that my entire life, and knocked out the Mass Effect franchise that kept haunting me (I did the Dragon Age series a few months ago). I mean, recently I also finally finished the nightmarishly long Pillars of Eternity, but who else besides me even owns that game? >.>;

Also saw Rogue One tonight! I thought it was pretty good. Definitely more of a war movie than the epic adventure of the main Star Wars series. Plus it's making the fascists go berserk, so I'm happy to give it my money. =D

Hope you're all doing well, too! =3

I knew it. Tried to deny it, stay positive, but I knew better. I knew it'd come to this. You'll rarely lose a bet when it comes to the American masses choosing oppression, nationalism, and xenophobia. First day isn't even over, and markets are crashing and Canadian immigration is getting swamped with calls from panicked soon-to-be refugees.

If you're looking for positivity, look somewhere else. There's nothing positive about today. All is not lost, yes. There's still hope. But whatever happiness might be on the horizon, it is not here, not today. Perhaps not for a long time. Only dread and rage and terror.

Stay safe out there, sweetlings. I will not judge you, no matter what you do to cope.

I've been streaming for my closest friends for a long,looong time, but never really had the courage to try anything open to you all. Right now, I have a case of the fuck-its, so what the hell, who'd wanna come? ^_^

I don't normally stream just games, movies and videos and music too, but I think that public game streams would be more fun for a bigger, more casual audience. The sort of games I enjoy are action, RPGs, strategy, visual novels, text adventures and so forth, but I've got a lot of unwise purchases in my Steam library I could dig up for a laugh or a groan. Don't wanna make a big production of any of it or anything, I'm no Markiplier or Game Grump, but just something to hang out with folks and shoot the breeze to my amazing voice! =D

Just throwing the idea out there, drop a comment if you'd want to attend.

Last night, that is. I think this is like theeee third or fourth time? My forever buttbuddy danto2 never got to see it when it was in theaters, so I figured, "this is a perfect excuse to ogle some bunny buns and fox tail again!" And lo it was so! I streamed it with my closest friends and Senbiku_Mew in attendance, was a hell of a furry time.

Still love the movie just as much as when I first saw it. Hell, it's the one big bright spot of all 2016. It of course handles its themes intelligently, and the visuals are amazing, and its pandering to furries was a thing of glory. But for me, the best part will always be Judy and Nick.

There are the pervy reasons of course, that bun butt is a 10 outta 10 and Nick's loose pants will forever frustrate me, but in all honesty they just make me so happy. The clouds part, I walk on sunshine, the rain is gone, it's like those two and their relationship is a font of pure joy. Even when I wrote fanfiction years ago I was never a rabid shipper, but there's just... something, somewhere in their charm and bravery and tragedy, that makes a wave of glee and bliss and hope wash over me. It's wonderful. ^///^

Feeling such a vivid attachment to fictional characters isn't uncommon out here in the wild weird west of the internet, but we all need a happy place. I guess Undertale and Zootopia are mine, heh. >//>

Some personal emotional stuff, don't wanna read, kiss my feathery ass on the way out (I know you want to). ;P

Joking aside, been in one of my downswings lately. This weekend and since then have been an emotional hell with little provocation, one of those deals. Gotta love mental illness, no? Sleeping machine turned my life around, but should've guessed that it wouldn't fix me completely. Eh, c'est la vie, I'll roll with it somehow.

Last night though, was really different. Was having an intense bout of dissociation. For those that don't know, dissociation is basically when your consciousness feels disconnected from your senses, including your sense of identity. Your emotions are dampened and muffled, sounds feel like a distant echo, the feelings under your own fingertips feel alien and numb, all that good stuff. Might not even feel like you exist, it's great. /sarcasm

So, I was dissociating really bad, it was deep in the middle of the night, it was storming like hell outside. Spent some time with my dogs to try to get some feeling back, didn't work. But after I turned out the lights, I noticed how pretty everything was in the dark and the storm. Not just pretty, but soothingly beautiful. I've seen my own streets at night before, gone through my house with little or no light, but it felt like I was really seeing it, noticing it, for the first time.

Was a nice experience. The dissociation didn't go away, but maybe that was part of it, like all my other sense getting muffled helped me appreciate the dark. Hope it happens again.

-rolls around and flails- Gawwwd I'm so bored!

Been doing lots of chores and repairs and such for the past couple weeks, now that I've got energy and shit. Just last night spent 3-4 hours taking apart my keyboard for the first time in a year (keyboards are fucking rancid, don't put off cleaning it). In downtime, been plowing through Bioware games that I never finished, Because I'm always, like, five years behind everyone else. Knocked out Mass Effect, Mass Effect 2, then Dragon Age: Origins (and its goddamn boatload of DLC), then Dragon Age 2.

Buuut now I'm extremely burnt out on Bioware games, Inquisition don't work anyway, need a break, aaand... don't feel like playing games in general.

So I'm bored as hell, consider my door open for chatting. I'm mainly on Discord these days, but I have Skype open for anyone who still uses it. For people that I've already trusted with my contact details, anyway. Always wanted to meet me and never felt like it was a good time to contact me? Now's your chance. Shoot me an FA note, don't be shy, I only bite a little.

Was tempted to title this "On the Road to Viridian Recovery City," but that pun's bad for even me and I don't even know who remembers that song. XD;

Last month, was awful. Absolutely wretched. Got bit by a dog, then got an ear infection, then got sores in my mouth, one round of misery after another.

However!

I also got my CPAP machine a week or two ago. Finally, finally, finally some real treatment for my sleep apnea, which if you haven't heard, fucks you up completely by never letting you have a good night's sleep for your entire life. Gives you deep depression, painful headaches, potentially lethal heart complications at a later age, the works.

The machine wasn't the instant cure that I'd hoped, but I think it's coming through for me. Tonight I did a straight twenty minutes of intense cleaning of my room. Doesn't sound like much, but for years and years I've never had the motivation or the energy to do even basic tasks, like taking care of myself. This is the first time I've had the gumption to just get up and do something in forever! 8D

Really, really hoping this is a sign of better things coming. I've had the ingredients for a nice life for a while, and I can't wait to finally start living it. ^.^

Gonna share my thoughts here, since it's a controversy that I'm actually qualified to gab about.

Loved the hell out of it. Went in not knowing what to expect, because I have more important things to do than sort out the misogyny from the genuine criticism, and I was happily surprised. When it wanted to be funny, it was funny. When it wanted to be tense, it was tense. When it wanted the girls to kick ass, by god did they. It was in the same spirit of the original movie, but they took it further and had fun with it. Honestly, I think I like it better than both the older ones. I highly recommend going to see it! Well worth the money.

The overflowing wealth of MRA-tears are a nice bonus, too. -flops backward and chugs a fucking gallon-

Naming this journal for just a funny little thing that happened today. Went to the Wendy's down the road from me for lunch, after an appointment with my new, really bad therapist (getting a transfer first chance I get). And the girl behind the cash register basically starts off with "I love your name!" and got really chatty from there. Seemed really interested in me, my life, and our town; she said she'd just moved in, so she was new here. I reciprocated, and she got a bit more chatty with me even after she'd gotten out from behind the cashier's desk. I sat down to eat, and in that whole time no other customer got the same treatment.

I'm by no means certain, but I'm very sure she was flirting with me. Not complaining! I was just, extremely confused, but flattered. Very cute black gal, though couldn't determine her exact age because she was two feet shorter than me, skews my senses a bit. Of course nothing came of it, I'm taken, but the whole thing brightened up my day. X3

As for how I'm doing in general: after my last journal, things got even worse. Dogs attacked each other again. I had to wash a lot of blood off myself. But since then there haven't been any major disasters, and I'm used to trauma. I'm recovering. I always do. Hopefully will be back to semi-normal in another night or two. ^_^

In short: dog's a pitbull, only two years old. Neighbors hate pitbulls, and are a bunch of jumpy suburbanites. Pitbull is friendly but extremely strong for even a pitbull, parents are old and getting frail, they can't control her. In this sort of environment, pitbull gets in one fight, it's over. Been telling my parents for over a year to get the dog a damn trainer, but they have refused. Pitbull gets into a fight with another dog yesterday, pitbull-hating neighbors are all witnesses, lots of threats to call animal control. So I was in fear all day that animal control might arrive and kill our dog, because my parents refused to spend even a tiny bit of money to train her.

Thankfully, that didn't happen. The other dog in the fight has a longer history of starting fights, so blame was deflected off of us as far as Animal Control is concerned. Though my parents did face the real threat of a fine or time in jail, so hopefully that puts the fear of God in them. Maybe they'll actually listen to me now.

Last month, awful. This month, shaping up to be even worse. I need a goddamn drink.

If we were in the middle of something and you're wondering where I went, my internet died without any apparent cause this past Friday. And because Verizon's asshole policies say that only a Verizon employee can fix their shit, I had to wait until today for anyone to even look at it.

I kept myself distracted with KotOR 1 and listening to Welcome to Night Vale, but it was maddening - in the anger and the sanity sense - to be cut off from all my friends. T.T But, I'm back now! And more than a little peckish...~

Was bored, Memorial Day dinner with family, nothing I really wanted to engage in. So I decided to bring my 3DS and Solatorobo to pass the time. Got it this past Christmas, because I'm a huge furry slut, but never got around to trying it. Oops. ^.^;

The gameplay is meeeh. Bare bones really, doesn't even feel like mediocre. There were definitely ways to improve it, even make it great, buuut it's not. Made worse by the fact that the fights are mind-numbingly easy. Most of them I ended in ten seconds flat, didn't even take damage. Those there are some pretty big problems, I can see why this game wasn't made a furry classic. -_-;

The story, so far, is Skies of Arcadia. It's just straight-up Skies of Arcadia. Two young adventurous almost-siblings with an airship find an enigmatic teen their age who knows a ton about an ancient civilization, their titanic WMD beasts, and an evil organization that wants to exploit them. It's the same thing. Though the characters are of course furries and more, ahem, alluringly framed. I affectionately call Chocolat the female jailbait and Elh the male jailbait. They're not explicitly sexualized at all, thank god, but I can tell that the game devs knew exactly what they were doing.

But good god, there was serious time, effort, and love put into the art and visual style of this game. It's seriously above and beyond! Every facial expression and character design has tons of personality and really nice to look at. The damn game even has a fully animated anime opening! On the original DS! That's some real dedication, right there. =D

I'm only like two hours in, mind. And I'm gonna keep playing every now and then. Because hey, we all need new furry spank material every now and then. And the thought of booty and boobs tends to hold my attention. =P