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My Mental State
Posted 9 years agoI don't even think anyone is going to see this. Nobody watches me, and I don't think anyone even visits my page except to say thanks for a watch. Despite that, here I go.
(Warning, some bad language ahead, among things that you should expect from this journals name.)
I fucking hate so many things about me! I can't change most of them either!
First off, I have a great memory. Problem with that is, that it remembers everything I don't want stuck in my fucking head, and leaves half the stuff I do want in there. I remember most of the little mistakes I've made and I silently kick myself almost every day for them. I also remember all the stuff I didn't say, and that plagues me.
Secondly, I have 2 fucking sides. The side that shows most of the time is the hard side that loves to put everyone down and be superior. I just want to turn it the fuck off! The other side used to appear more, but now it just appears in little bursts, normally for just a few seconds every few months. I want to make that side appear more, but I don't know how. They might be slightly merging, but if they are, the first side still dominates.
Third and last, I don't feel anything. I'm not kidding. Emotionally, I feel fucking nothing. Mentally, I do, (if that makes sense) but emotionally, not at all. Most of the time I only feel anger, annoyance, or disgust. I feel happy from time to time, but it's almost like it's subdued. I don't feel sadness at all. I was in Normandy and I had a tour guide showing me everything. I felt nothing for the men who died there. I went to the German cemetary. I went to the American cemetary. I went to the beaches. I saw the pictures. I read the stories. I went to a concentration camp. Through all of that, I felt nothing emotionally. In addition, apparently I'm slightly sadistic when I put someone down! Maybe a third side is responsible for all of that shit...
Most of this is hidden by a facade. Sometimes my anger slips out and I burst. I can't control the sadistic side of me since it's only appeared twice. The hard side is essentially the facade.
Well, I'm fucked up and I know it.
(Warning, some bad language ahead, among things that you should expect from this journals name.)
I fucking hate so many things about me! I can't change most of them either!
First off, I have a great memory. Problem with that is, that it remembers everything I don't want stuck in my fucking head, and leaves half the stuff I do want in there. I remember most of the little mistakes I've made and I silently kick myself almost every day for them. I also remember all the stuff I didn't say, and that plagues me.
Secondly, I have 2 fucking sides. The side that shows most of the time is the hard side that loves to put everyone down and be superior. I just want to turn it the fuck off! The other side used to appear more, but now it just appears in little bursts, normally for just a few seconds every few months. I want to make that side appear more, but I don't know how. They might be slightly merging, but if they are, the first side still dominates.
Third and last, I don't feel anything. I'm not kidding. Emotionally, I feel fucking nothing. Mentally, I do, (if that makes sense) but emotionally, not at all. Most of the time I only feel anger, annoyance, or disgust. I feel happy from time to time, but it's almost like it's subdued. I don't feel sadness at all. I was in Normandy and I had a tour guide showing me everything. I felt nothing for the men who died there. I went to the German cemetary. I went to the American cemetary. I went to the beaches. I saw the pictures. I read the stories. I went to a concentration camp. Through all of that, I felt nothing emotionally. In addition, apparently I'm slightly sadistic when I put someone down! Maybe a third side is responsible for all of that shit...
Most of this is hidden by a facade. Sometimes my anger slips out and I burst. I can't control the sadistic side of me since it's only appeared twice. The hard side is essentially the facade.
Well, I'm fucked up and I know it.
