So many of you know I'm transgender (for those who didn't, uhh surprise? ) I've known for quite a few years and Briar has known since the 1st day we met. I've been working on my issues and the whole divorce is coming to a end (just more paperwork and hopefully closes out in the next 2-3 months) I've tried to come to terms with everything and he's been nothing but amazing.

I've had a few meltdowns over the last couple days thanks to supposed friend telling me I should get shock therapy to fix me. It made me realize that this is who I am. I've known i was differant since I had my 1st girlfriend in middle school. I've only been holding back because of the social obligation to be someone I'm very clearly not. Society (some therapists, family , 'friends' , religious folks) have tried to force me into this box of, you were born female-ish so you need to act/be like a female.

1. I was born intersex. I didn't GET to choose to be female
2. I would have never developed as I did without my 'mom' choosing to feed me hormones
3 When the hell do I get to have a say on how i live?

I was happy growing up as a boy and i was damned happy with my girlfriend. Everyone else chose to force us a apart.There was nothing wrong with me then and theres nothing wrong with me now. I'm just not happy in the body that was somewhat forced on me.

But this all makes me nervous.. it makes me scared and terrified to move forward. I have a family for once and hell... I wish for everythin in the world, i could just wake up and feel ok in my skin but it isn't like that.

I know essentially , it would be the end of great relationship, but as he's said, we will still be friends and he will support me as best he can through everything. It is a bit nerve wracking that it would also mean I would have to pretty much 'out' myself to those I consider family and thats scary as fuck knowing they could turn on a dime and just hate me.

I know it isn't the end of the world, but it makes me nervous to figure out what will happen over the next year.... I pretty much have to the end of this year to figure out what I want to do. Moving forward with transistion and possibly losing just about all the folks I have as a family or try to get on medication /hope that i can just push everything to the back of my mind and truck on as i have for years.

So , Most know I dont get out often nor do i hang out with friends much cause of distance. Well next week , our buddy is coming out ! -squees- The plan is if its nice to grill out , have burgers and stuffs =D Cuddles , foams , and fuzzy glomps all around ^__^

MY stb-ex husband is making life difficult again =( They claim I'm making 15k a yr when i made a grand total of -drum roll- $630 just last yr. If i could afford a lawyer I would. I spent all that money on gas, food, and my sons things =/ It's not that I'm not trying to find a job , Ive got to work around my partners schedule, work around visits, dr appts ... by the time thats all said and done i have 3-4 days a month i can work without hiring a sitter and briar being here ... Then thinking about the days i COULD work with hiring a sitter, it almost not be worth it as the money i would make would go nearly 70% to a sitter and the rest into needed expenses (dr, food,diapers)

I have no problem helping with expense for my kids (thats not the issue) I love my kids and they deserve the best. I Just can't afford it =( I cant afford $300+ in child support. I cant afford the gas to see my girls, I cant afford to go to school or even have a way to go back to school. Not to mention i shouldn't stop going to therapy with the issues standing with my ex =(

AND to make things a tad worse... In less then 2 days I will be going to court , my abuser in the same room, with my support system miles away during the time ill need them most. I just can't do this right now. I need to get my head straight and calm this panic

So those that personally know me, know that ive been going through a nasty battle with my ex. MFF 2013 while fun, was slightly traumatic afterwords with the 'loss' of my 2 girls. Ive had alot of pent up fear leading to this mff and after a small battle with guilt, a lil bit of ptsd, constant reassurance from my sons father and alot of trust in my 'in-laws' , Im starting to look forward to MFF 2015.

Logically... i should have nothing to fear ... but im now looking forward to being able to 'adult' a bit with others, talk to other trans and pagan folk, and well get hugs!

If you see me around... I would love a hug!

Some days I really hate being trans =( The realization that I really like (love) someone and he may not actually feel the same way about me... Even more so.. if i fully transition I'd lose him. Yeah... there are other fish in the sea, but I really care for him and my little family. Ive already lost my biological family to trans-phobia , racism and BS. He's stood by me for alot.. and is a great guy and father.

I really wish I could just wake up and not feel guilty for wanting to be male =( To wake up and just be the female he wants. I know this might not end well, and the thought of losing him kills my heart a bit. Why cant i just be normal? Why do i have these feelings? Why cant i just love being female?

I just want to curl up in a ball..